The Prophet (Merckx) and the Apostle (De Vlaeminck) forge the foundation of The Rules.

The Prophet (Merckx) and the Apostle (De Vlaeminck) forge the foundation of The Rules.

The Rules

by / 12108 posts

We are the Keepers of the Cog. In so being, we also maintain the sacred text wherein lie the simple truths of cycling etiquette known as The Rules. It is in our trust to maintain and endorse this list.

The Rules lie at the beginning of The Path to La Vie Velominatus, not at the end; learning to balance them against one another and to welcome them all into your life as a Velominatus is a never-ending struggle waged between form and function as we continue along The Path towards transcension.

See also The Prophet’s Prayer.

For those struggling to understand exactly what it means to be a Rule Holist and embrace all these Rules, please review the following material:

Presenting: Obey The Rules (Welly White Boy Edit) by GangstaPhant featuring BrettOK and Newz.

Download: Obey the Rules

  1. Rule #1 //

    Obey The Rules.
  2. Rule #2 //
    Lead by example.

    It is forbidden for someone familiar with The Rules to knowingly assist another person to breach them.1

  3. Rule #3 //
    Guide the uninitiated.

    No matter how good you think your reason is to knowingly breach The Rules, it is never good enough.

  4. Rule #4 //
    It’s all about the bike.

    It is, absolutely, without question, unequivocally, about the bike. Anyone who says otherwise is obviously a twatwaffle.

  5. Rule #6 //
    Free your mind and your legs will follow.

    Your mind is your worst enemy. Do all your thinking before you start riding your bike.  Once the pedals start to turn, wrap yourself in the sensations of the ride – the smell of the air, the sound of the tires, the feeling of flight as the bicycle rolls over the road.

  6. Rule #7 //
    Tan lines should be cultivated and kept razor sharp.

    Under no circumstances should one be rolling up their sleeves or shorts in an effort to somehow diminish one’s tan lines. Sleeveless jerseys are under no circumstances to be employed.

  7. Rule #8 //
    Saddles, bars, and tires shall be carefully matched.3

    Valid options are:

    • Match the saddle to the bars and the tires to black; or
    • Match the bars to the color of the frame at the top of the head tube and the saddle to the color of the frame at the top of the seat tube and the tires to the color where they come closest to the frame; or
    • Match the saddle and the bars to the frame decals; or
    • Black, black, black
  8. Rule #9 //
    If you are out riding in bad weather, it means you are a badass. Period.

    Fair-weather riding is a luxury reserved for Sunday afternoons and wide boulevards. Those who ride in foul weather – be it cold, wet, or inordinately hot – are members of a special club of riders who, on the morning of a big ride, pull back the curtain to check the weather and, upon seeing rain falling from the skies, allow a wry smile to spread across their face. This is a rider who loves the work.

  9. Rule #10 //
    It never gets easier, you just go faster.

    As this famous quote by Greg LeMan tells us, training, climbing, and racing is hard. It stays hard. To put it another way, per Greg Henderson: “Training is like fighting with a gorilla. You don’t stop when you’re tired. You stop when the gorilla is tired.” Sur la Plaque, fucktards.4

  10. Rule #11 //
    Family does not come first. The bike does.

    Sean Kelly, being interviewed after the ’84 Amstel Gold Race, spots his wife leaning against his Citroën AX. He interrupts the interview to tell her to get off the paintwork, to which she shrugs, “In your life the car comes first, then the bike, then me.” Instinctively, he snaps back, “You got the order wrong. The bike comes first.”21

  11. Rule #12 //
    The correct number of bikes to own is n+1.

    While the minimum number of bikes one should own is three, the correct number is n+1, where n is the number of bikes currently owned. This equation may also be re-written as s-1, where s is the number of bikes owned that would result in separation from your partner.

  12. Rule #
    13

    //

    If you draw race number 13, turn it upside down.

    Paradoxically, the same mind that holds such control over the body is also woefully fragile and prone to superstitious thought. It fills easily with doubt and is distracted by ancillary details. This is why the tape must always be perfect, the machine silent, the kit spotless. And, if you draw the unlucky Number 13, turn it upside down to counter-act its negative energy.

  13. Rule #14 //
    Shorts should be black.

    Team-issue shorts should be black, with the possible exception of side-panels, which may match the rest of the team kit.

  14. Rule #15 //
    Black shorts should also be worn with leader’s jerseys.

    Black shorts, or at least standard team-kit shorts, must be worn with Championship jerseys and race leadership jerseys. Don’t over-match your kit, or accept that you will look like a douche.

  15. Rule #16 //
    Respect the jersey.

    Championship and race leader jerseys must only be worn if you’ve won the championship or led the race.

  16. Rule #17 //
    Team kit is for members of the team.

    Wearing Pro team kit is also questionable if you’re not paid to wear it.  If you must fly the colors of Pro teams, all garments should match perfectly, i.e no Mapei jersey with Kelme shorts and Telekom socks.

  17. Rule #18 //
    Know what to wear. Don’t suffer kit confusion.

    No baggy shorts and jerseys while riding the road bike. No lycra when riding the mountain bike (unless racing XC). Skin suits only for cyclocross.

  18. Rule #19 //
    Introduce Yourself.

    If you deem it appropriate to join a group of riders who are not part of an open group ride and who are not your mates, it is customary and courteous to announce your presence. Introduce yourself and ask if you may join the group. If you have been passed by a group, wait for an invitation, introduce yourself, or let them go. The silent joiner is viewed as ill-mannered and Anti-V. Conversely, the joiner who can’t shut their cakehole is no better and should be dropped from the group at first opportunity.

  19. Rule #20 //
    There are only three remedies for pain.

    These are:

    • If your quads start to burn, shift forward to use your hamstrings and calves, or
    • If your calves or hamstrings start to burn, shift back to use your quads, or
    • If you feel wimpy and weak, meditate on  Rule #5 and train more!
  20. Rule #21 //
    Cold weather gear is for cold weather.

    Knickers, vests, arm warmers, shoe covers, and caps beneath your helmet can all make you look like a hardman, when the weather warrants their use. If it isn’t wet or cold, save your Flandrian Best for Flemish weather.

  21. Rule #22 //
    Cycling caps are for cycling.

    Cycling caps can be worn under helmets, but never when not riding, no matter how hip you think you look. This will render one a douche, and should result in public berating or beating. The only time it is acceptable to wear a cycling cap is while directly engaged in cycling activities and while clad in cycling kit. This includes activities taking place prior to and immediately after the ride such as machine tuning and tire pumping.  Also included are cafe appearances for pre-ride espressi and post-ride pub appearances for body-refueling ales (provided said pub has sunny, outdoor patio – do not stray inside a pub wearing kit or risk being ceremoniously beaten by leather-clad biker chicks).   Under these conditions, having your cap skull-side tipped jauntily at a rakish angle is, one might say, de rigueur. All good things must be taken in measure, however, and as such it is critical that we let sanity and good taste prevail: as long as the first sip of the relevant caffeine or hop-based beverage is taken whilst beads of sweat, snow, or rain are still evident on one’s brow then it is legitimate for the cap to be worn. However, once all that remains in the cranial furrows is salt, it is then time to shower, throw on some suitable aprés-ride attire (a woollen Molteni Arcore training top circa ’73 comes to mind) and return to the bar, folded copy of pastel-coloured news publication in hand, ready for formal fluid replacement. It is also helpful if you are a Giant of the Road, as demonstrated here, rather than a giant douchebag. 5

  22. Rule #23 //
    Tuck only after reaching Escape Velocity.

    You may only employ the aerodynamic tuck after you have spun out your 53 x 11; the tuck is to be engaged only when your legs can no longer keep up. Your legs make you go fast, and trying to keep your fat ass out of the wind only serves to keep you from slowing down once you reach escape velocity. Thus, the tuck is only to be employed to prevent you slowing down when your legs have wrung the top end out of your block. Tucking prematurely while descending is the antithesis of Casually Deliberate. For more on riding fast downhill see Rule #64 and Rule #85.

  23. Rule #24 //
    Speeds and distances shall be referred to and measured in kilometers.

    This includes while discussing cycling in the workplace with your non-cycling coworkers, serving to further mystify our sport in the web of their Neanderthalic cognitive capabilities. As the confused expression spreads across their unibrowed faces, casually mention your shaved legs. All of cycling’s monuments are measured in the metric system and as such the English system is forbidden.

  24. Rule #25 //
    The bikes on top of your car should be worth more than the car.

    Or at least be relatively more expensive.  Basically, if you’re putting your Huffy on your Rolls, you’re in trouble, mister. Remember what Sean said.

  25. Rule #26 //
    Make your bike photogenic.

    When photographing your bike, gussy her up properly for the camera. Some parameters are firm: valve stems at 6 o’clock. Cranks never at 90 or 180 degrees. Others are at your discretion, though the accepted practices include putting the chain on the big dog, and no bidons in the cages.

  26. Rule #27 //
    Shorts and socks should be like Goldilocks.

    Not too long and not too short. (Disclaimer: despite Sean Yates’ horrible choice in shorts length, he is a quintessential hard man of cycling and is deeply admired by the Velominati. Whereas Armstrong’s short and sock lengths are just plain wrong.) No socks is a no-no, as are those ankle-length ones that should only be worn by female tennis players.

  27. Rule #28 //
    Socks can be any damn colour you like.

    White is old school cool. Black is cool too, but were given a bad image by a Texan whose were too long.  If you feel you must go colored, make sure they damn well match your kit. Tip: DeFeet Wool-E-Ators rule.

  28. Saddle bags have no place on a road bike, and are only acceptable on mountain bikes in extreme cases.

  29. Rule #30 //
    No frame-mounted pumps.

    Either Co2 cannisters or mini-pumps should be carried in jersey pockets (See Rule #31). The only exception to this rule is to mount a Silca brand frame pump in the rear triangle of the frame, with the rear wheel skewer as the pump mount nob, as demonstrated by members of the 7-Eleven and Ariostea pro cycling teams. As such, a frame pump mounted upside-down and along the left (skewer lever side) seat stay is both old skool and Euro and thus acceptable. We restate at this time that said pump may under no circumstances be a Zefal and must be made by Silca. Said Silca pump must be fitted with a Campagnolo head. It is acceptable to gaffer-tape a mini-pump to your frame when no C02 cannisters are available and your pockets are full of spare kit and energy gels. However, the rider should expect to be stopped and questioned and may be required to empty pockets to prove there is no room in them for the pump.

  30. Rule #31 //
    Spare tubes, multi-tools and repair kits should be stored in jersey pockets.

    If absolutely necessary, in a converted bidon in a cage on bike. Or, use one of these.

  31. Rule #32 //
    Humps are for camels: no hydration packs.

    Hydration packs are never to be seen on a road rider’s body. No argument will be entered into on this. For MTB, they are cool.

  32. Rule #33 //
    Shave your guns.

    Legs are to be carefully shaved at all times. If, for some reason, your legs are to be left hairy, make sure you can dish out plenty of hurt to shaved riders, or be considered a hippie douche on your way to a Critical Mass. Whether you use a straight razor or a Bowie knife, use Baxter to keep them smooth.

  33. Rule #34 //
    Mountain bike shoes and pedals have their place.

    On a mountain bike.

  34. Rule #35 //
    No visors on the road.

    Road helmets can be worn on mountain bikes, but never the other way around. If you want shade, see Rule #22.

  35. Rule #36 //
    Eyewear shall be cycling specific.

    No Aviator shades, blueblockers, or clip-on covers for eye glasses.

  36. Rule #37 //
    The arms of the eyewear shall always be placed over the helmet straps.

    No exceptions. This is for various reasons that may or may not matter; it’s just the way it is.

  37. Rule #38 //
    Don’t Play Leap Frog.

    Train Properly: if you get passed by someone, it is nothing personal, just accept that on the day/effort/ride they were stronger than you. If you can’t deal, work harder. But don’t go playing leap frog to get in front only to be taken over again (multiple times) because you can’t keep up the pace. Especially don’t do this just because the person overtaking you is a woman. Seriously. Get over it.

  38. Rule #39 //
    Never ride without your eyewear.

    You should not make a habit of riding without eyewear, although approved extenuating circumstances include fog, overheating, and lighting condition. When not worn over the eyes, they should be neatly tucked into the vents of your helmet.  If they don’t fit, buy a new helmet. In the meantime you can wear them backwards on the back of your head or carefully tuck them into your jersey pocket, making sure not to scratch them on your tools (see item 31).

  39. Rule #40 //
    Tires are to be mounted with the label centered over the valve stem.

    Pro mechanics do it because it makes it easier to find the valve. You do this because that’s the way pro mechanics do it. This will save you precious seconds while your fat ass sits on the roadside fumbling with your CO2 after a flat. It also looks better for photo opportunities. Note: This obviously only applies to clinchers as tubulars don’t give you a choice.

  40. Rule #41 //
    Quick-release levers are to be carefully positioned.

    Quick release angle on the front skewer shall be an upward angle which tightens just aft of the fork and the rear quick release shall tighten at an angle that bisects angle between the seat and chain stays. It is acceptable, however, to have the rear quick release tighten upward, just aft of the seat stay, when the construction of the frame or its dropouts will not allow the preferred positioning. For Time Trial bikes only, quick releases may be in the horizontal position facing towards the rear of the bike. This is for maximum aero effect.9

  41. Rule #42 //
    A bike race shall never be preceded with a swim and/or followed by a run.

    If it’s preceded with a swim and/or followed by a run, it is not called a bike race, it is called duathlon or a triathlon. Neither of which is a bike race. Also keep in mind that one should only swim in order to prevent drowning, and should only run if being chased. And even then, one should only run fast enough to prevent capture.

  42. Rule #43 //
    Don’t be a jackass.

    But if you absolutely must be a jackass, be a funny jackass. Always remember, we’re all brothers and sisters on the road.

  43. Rule #44 //
    Position matters.

    In order to find the V-Locus, a rider’s handlebars on their road bike must always be lower than their saddle. The only exception to this is if you’re revolutionizing the sport, in which case you must also be prepared to break the World Hour Record. The minimum allowable tolerance is 4cm; there is no maximum, but people may berate you if they feel you have them too low.

  44. Rule #45 //
    Slam your stem.

    A maximum stack height of 2cm is allowed below the stem and a single 5mm spacer must always – always – be stacked above. A “slammed down” stack height is preferable; meaning that the stem is positioned directly on the top race of the headset.

  45. Rule #46 //
    Keep your bars level.

    Handlebars will be mounted parallel to the ground or angled slightly upward. While they may never be pointed down at all, they may be angled up slightly; allowed handlebar tilt is to be between 180 and 175 degrees with respect to the level road. The brake levers will preferably be mounted such that the end of the brake lever is even with the bottom of the bar.  Modern bars, however, dictate that this may not always be possible, so tolerances are permitted within reason. Brake hoods should not approach anything near 45 degrees, as some riders with poor taste have been insisting on doing.

  46. Rule #47 //
    Drink Tripels, don’t ride triples.

    Cycling and beer are so intertwined we may never understand the full relationship. Beer is a recovery drink, an elixir for post-ride trash talking and a just plain excellent thing to pour down the neck. We train to drink so don’t fool around. Drink quality beer from real breweries. If it is brewed with rice instead of malted barley or requires a lime, you are off the path. Know your bittering units like you know your gear length. Life is short, don’t waste it on piss beer.

  47. Rule #48 //
    Saddles must be level and pushed back.

    The seating area of a saddle is to be visually level, with the base measurement made using a spirit level. Based on subtleties of saddle design and requirements of comfort, the saddle may then be pitched slightly forward or backward to reach a position that offers stability, power, and comfort. If the tilt of the saddle exceeds two degrees, you need to go get one of those saddles with springs and a thick gel pad because you are obviously a big pussy. The midpoint of the saddle as measured from tip to tail shall fall well behind and may not be positioned forward of the line made by extending the seat tube through the top of the saddle. (Also see Rule #44.)

  48. Rule #49 //
    Keep the rubber side down.

    It is completely unacceptable to intentionally turn one’s steed upside down for any reason under any circumstances. Besides the risk of scratching the saddle, levers and stem, it is unprofessional and a disgrace to your loyal steed. The risk of the bike falling over is increased, wheel removal/replacement is made more difficult and your bidons will leak. The only reason a bicycle should ever be in an upside down position is during mid-rotation while crashing. This Rule also applies to upside down saddle-mount roof bars.23

  49. Rule #50 //
    Facial hair is to be carefully regulated.

    No full beards, no moustaches. Goatees are permitted only if your name starts with “Marco” and ends with “Pantani”, or if your head is intentionally or unintentionally bald. One may never shave on the morning of an important race, as it saps your virility, and you need that to kick ass.

  50. Rule #51 //
    Livestrong wristbands are cockrings for your arms.

    While we hate cancer, isn’t it better to just donate some money and not have to advertise the fact for the next five years? You may as well get “tryhard wanker” tattooed on your forehead. Or you may well be a bogan.

  51. Rule #52 //
    Drink in Moderation.

    Bidons are to be small in size. 500-610ml maximum, no extra large vessels are to be seen on one’s machine. Two cages can be mounted, but only one bidon on rides under two hours is to be employed. Said solo bidon must be placed in the downtube cage only. You may only ride with a bidon in the rear cage if you have a front bidon, or you just handed your front bidon to a fan at the roadside and you are too busy crushing everyone to move it forward until you take your next drink. Bidons should match each other and preferably your bike and/or kit. The obvious exception is the classic Coca-Cola bidon which by default matches any bike and/or kit due to its heritage. Coca-Cola should only be consumed flat and near the end of a long ride or all-day solo breakaway on the roads of France.

  52. Rule #53 //
    Keep your kit clean and new.

    As a courtesy to those around you, your kit should always be freshly laundered, and, under no circumstances should the crackal region of your shorts be worn out or see-through.

  53. Rule #54 //
    No aerobars on road bikes.

    Aerobars or other clip-on attachments are under no circumstances to be employed on your road bike. The only exception to this is if you are competing in a mountain timetrial.

  54. Rule #55 //
    Earn your turns.

    If you are riding down a mountain, you must first have ridden up the mountain. It is forbidden to employ powered transportation simply for the cheap thrill of descending. The only exception to this is if you are doing intervals on Alpe d’Huez or the Plan de Corones and you park your car up top before doing 20 repeats of the climb.

  55. Rule #56 //
    Espresso or macchiato only.

    When wearing cycling kit and enjoying a pre or post ride coffee, it is only appropriate to drink espresso or macchiato. If the word soy/skim latte is heard to be used by a member wearing cycling apparel, then that person must be ceremonially beaten with Co2 canisters or mini pumps by others within the community.6

  56. Rule #57 //
    No stickers.

    Nobody gives a shit what causes you support, what war you’re against, what gear you buy, or what year you rode RAGBRAI.  See Rule #5 and ride your bike. Decals, on the other hand, are not only permissible, but extremely Pro.

  57. Rule #58 //
    Support your local bike shop.

    Never buy bikes, parts or accessories online. Going into your local shop, asking myriad inane questions, tying up the staff’s time, then going online to buy is akin to sleeping with your best friend’s wife, then having a beer with him after. If you do purchase parts online, be prepared to mount and maintain them yourself. If you enter a shop with parts you have bought online and expect them to fit them, be prepared to be told to see your online seller for fitting and warranty help.

  58. Rule #59 //
    Hold your line.

    Ride predictably, and don’t make sudden movements. And, under no circumstances, are you to deviate from your line.

  59. Rule #60 //
    Ditch the washer-nut and valve-stem cap.

    You are not, under any circumstances, to employ the use of the washer-nut and valve-stem cap that come with your inner-tubes or tubulars. They are only supplied to meet shipping regulations. They are useless when it comes to tubes and tires.

  60. Rule #61 //
    Like your guns, saddles should be smooth and hard.

    Under no circumstances may your saddle have more than 3mm of padding. Special allowances will be made for stage racing when physical pain caused by subcutaneous cysts and the like (“saddle sores”) are present. Under those conditions, up to 5mm of padding will be allowed – it should be noted that this exception is only temporary until the condition has passed or been excised. A hardman would not change their saddle at all but instead cut a hole in it to relieve pressure on the delicate area. It is noted that if Rule #48 and/or Rule #5 is observed then any “padding” is superfluous.7

  61. Rule #62 //
    You shall not ride with earphones.

    Cycling is about getting outside and into the elements and you don’t need to be listening to Queen or Slayer in order to experience that. Immerse yourself in the rhythm and pain, not in whatever 80’s hair band you call “music”.   See Rule #5 and ride your bike.8

  62. Rule #63 //
    Point in the direction you’re turning.

    Signal a left turn by pointing your left arm to the left. To signal a right turn, simply point with your right arm to the right. This one is, presumably, mostly for Americans: that right-turn signal that Americans are taught to make with your left arm elbow-out and your forearm pointing upwards was developed for motor-vehicles prior to the invention of the electric turn signal since it was rather difficult to reach from the driver-side all the way out the passenger-side window to signal a right turn. On a bicycle, however, we don’t have this limitation and it is actually quite easy to point your right arm in the direction you are turning. The American right-turn signal just makes you look like you’re waving “hello” to traffic.

  63. Rule #64 //
    Cornering confidence increases with time and experience.

    This pattern continues until it falls sharply and suddenly.

  64. Rule #65 //
    Maintain and respect your machine.

    Bicycles must adhere to the Principle of Silence and as such must be meticulously maintained. It must be cherished, and when leaning it against a wall, must be leaned carefully such that only the bars, saddle, or tires come in contact with the wall or post.  This is true even when dismounting prior to collapsing after the World Championship Time Trial. No squeaks, creaks, or chain noise allowed. Only the soothing hum of your tires upon the tarmac and the rhythm of your breathing may be audible when riding. When riding the Pave, the sound of chain slap is acceptable. The Principle of Silence can be extended to say that if you are suffering such that your breathing begins to adversely affect the enjoyment of the other riders in the bunch, you are to summarily sit up and allow yourself to be dropped.10

  65. Rule #66 //
    No  mirrors.

    Mirrors are allowed on your (aptly named) Surly Big Dummy or your Surly Long Haul Trucker. Not on your road steed. Not on your Mountain bike. Not on your helmet. If someone familiar with The Rules has sold you such an abomination, return the mirror and demand a refund, plus interest and damages.

  66. Rule #67 //
    Do your time in the wind.

    Nobody likes a wheel sucker. You might think you’re playing a smart tactical game by letting everyone else do the work while you sit on, but races (even Town Sign Sprints) are won through cooperation and spending time on the rivet, flogging yourself and taking risks. Riding wheels and jumping past at the end is one thing and one thing only: poor sportsmanship.

  67. Rule #68 //
    Rides are to be measured by quality, not quantity.

    Rides are to be measured by the quality of their distance and never by distance alone. For climbing rides, distances should be referred to by the amount of vertical covered; flat and rolling rides should be referred to by their distance and average speed. For example, declaring “We rode 4km” would assert that 4000m were climbed during the ride, with the distance being irrelevant. Conversely, a flat ride of 150km at 23kmh is not something that should be discussed in an open forum and Rule #5 must be reviewed at once.7

  68. Rule #69 //
    Cycling shoes and bicycles are made for riding.

    Any walking conducted while wearing cycling shoes must be strictly limited. When taking a slash or filling bidons during a 200km ride (at 38kmh, see Rule #68) one is to carefully stow one’s bicycle at the nearest point navigable by bike and walk the remaining distance. It is strictly prohibited that under any circumstances a cyclist should walk up a steep incline, with the obvious exception being when said incline is blocked by riders who crashed because you are on the Koppenberg. For clarification, see Rule #5.7

  69. Rule #70 //
    The purpose of competing is to win.

    End of. Any reference to not achieving this should be referred immediately to Rule #5.11

  70. Rule #71 //
    Train Properly.

    Know how to train properly and stick to your training plan. Ignore other cyclists with whom you are not intentionally riding. The time for being competitive is not during your training rides, but during competition.

  71. Rule #72 //
    Legs speak louder than words.

    Unless you routinely demonstrate your riding superiority and the smoothness of your Stroke, refrain from discussing your power meter, heartrate, or any other riding data.  Also see Rule #74.

  72. Rule #73 //
    Gear and brake cables should be cut to optimum length.

    Cables should create a perfect arc around the headtube and, whenever possible, cross under the downtube. Right shifter cable should go to the left cable stop and vice versa.

  73. Rule #74 //
    V Meters or small computers only.

    Forego the data and ride on feel; little compares to the pleasure of riding as hard as your mind will allow. Learn to read your body, meditate on Rule #5, and learn to push yourself to your limit. Power meters, heart rate monitors and GPS are bulky, ugly and superfluous. Any cycle computer, if deemed necessary, should be simple, small, mounted on the stem and wireless.

  74. Rule #75 //
    Race numbers are for races.

    Remove it from your frame before the next training ride because no matter how cool you think it looks, it does not look cool. Unless you are in a race. In which case it looks cool.

  75. Rule #76 //
    Helmets are to be hung from your stem.

    When not worn, helmets are to be clipped to the stem and draped over your handlebars thusly.

  76. Rule #77 //
    Respect the earth; don’t litter.

    Cycling is not an excuse to litter. Do not throw your empty gel packets, energy bar wrappers or punctured tubes on the road or in the bush. Stuff em in your jersey pockets, and repair that tube when you get home.12

  77. Rule #78 //
    Remove unnecessary gear.

    When racing in a criterium of 60 minutes or less the second (unused) water bottle cage must be removed in order to preserve the aesthetic of the racing machine.13

  78. Rule #79 //
    Fight for your town lines.

    Town lines must be contested or at least faked if you’re not in to it or too shagged to do anything but pedal the bike.

  79. Waiting for others pre-ride or at the start line pre-race, you must be tranquilo, resting on your top tube thusly. This may be extended to any time one is aboard the bike, but not riding it, such as at stop lights.15

  80. Rule #81 //
    Don’t talk it up.

    Rides and crashes may only be discussed and recounted in detail when the rider required external assistance in recovery or recuperation. Otherwise refer to Rule #5.

  81. Rule #82 //
    Close the gap.

    Whilst riding in cold and/or  Rule #9 conditions replete with arm warmers, under no circumstances is there to be any exposed skin between the hems of your kit and the hems of your arm warmers. If this occurs, you either need to wear a kit that fits you properly or increase the size of your guns. Arm warmers may, however, be shoved to the wrists in Five and Dime scenarios, particularly those involving Rule #9 conditions. The No-Gap Principle also applies to knee and leg warmers with the variation that these are under no circumstances to be scrunched down around the ankles; Merckx have mercy on whomever is caught in such a sad, sorry state. It is important to note that while one can wear arm warmers without wearing knee or leg warmers, one cannot wear knee or leg warmers without wearing arm warmers (or a long sleeve jersey). It is completely inappropriate to have uncovered arms, while covering the knees, with the exception of brief periods of time when the arm warmers may be shoved to the wrists while going uphill in a Five and Dime situation. If the weather changes and one must remove a layer, the knee/leg coverings must go before the arm coverings. If that means that said rider must take off his knee or leg warmers while racing, then this is a skill he must be accomplished in. The single exception would be before an event in which someone plans on wearing neither arm or leg warmers while racing, but would like to keep the legs warm before the event starts; though wearing a long sleeve jersey over the racing kit at this time is also advised. One must not forget to remove said leg warmers. 16

  82. Rule #83 //
    Be self-sufficient.

    Unless you are followed by a team car, you will repair your own punctures. You will do so expediently, employing your own skills, using your own equipment, and without complaining that your expensive tyres are too tight for your puny thumbs to fit over your expensive rim. The fate of a rider who has failed to equip himself pursuant to Rule #31, or who knows not how to use said equipment, shall be determined at the discretion of any accompanying or approaching rider in accordance with Rule #84.17

  83. Rule #84 //
    Follow the Code.

    Consistently with The Code Of The Domestique, the announcement of a flat tyre in a training ride entitles – but does not oblige – all riders then present in the bunch to cease riding without fear of being labelled Pussies. All stopped riders are thereupon entitled – but not obliged – to lend assistance, instruction and/or stringent criticism of the tyre mender’s technique. The duration of a Rule #84 stop is entirely discretionary, but is generally inversely proportional to the duration of the remaining time available for post-ride espresso.17

  84. Rule #85 //
    Descend like a Pro.

    All descents shall be undertaken at speeds commonly regarded as “ludicrous” or “insane” by those less talented. In addition all corners will be traversed in an outside-inside-outside trajectory, with the outer leg extended and the inner leg canted appropriately (but not too far as to replicate a motorcycle racer, for you are not one), to assist in balance and creation of an appealing aesthetic. Brakes are generally not to be employed, but if absolutely necessary, only just prior to the corner. Also see Rule #64.18

  85. Rule #86 //
    Don’t half-wheel.

    Never half-wheel your riding partners; it’s terrible form – it is always the other guy who sets the pace. Unless, of course, you are on the rivet, in which case it’s an excellent intimidation technique.22

  86. Rule #87 //
    The Ride Starts on Time. No exceptions.

    The upside of always leaving on time is considerable. Others will be late exactly once. You signal that the sanctity of this ride, like all rides, is not something with which you should muck. You demonstrate, not with words but with actions, your commitment. As a bonus, you make more time for post-ride espresso. “On Time”, of course, is taken to mean at V past the hour or half hour.

  87. Rule #88 //
    Don’t surge.

    When rolling onto the front to take your turn in the wind, see Rule #67, do not suddenly lift the pace unless trying to establish a break. The key to maintaining a high average speed is to work with your companions and allow no gaps to form in the line. It is permissible to lift the pace gradually and if this results in people being dropped then they have been ridden off your wheel and are of no use to the bunch anyway. If you are behind someone who jumps on the pedals when they hit the front do not reprimand the offender with cries of ‘Don’t Surge’ unless the offender is a Frenchman named Serge.

  88. Rule #89 //
    Pronounce it Correctly.

    All races shall be referred to by the name given in its country of origin, and care shall be taken to pronounce the name as well as possible. For Belgian Races, it is preferable to choose the name given in its region of origin, though it is at the speaker’s discretion to use either the Flemish or Wallonian pronunciation. This principle shall also be extended to apply to riders’ names, bicycle and component marquees, and cycling accoutrements.

  89. Rule #90 //
    Never Get Out of the Big Ring.

    If it gets steeper, just push harder on the pedals. When pressed on the matter, the Apostle Johan Museeuw simply replied, “Yes, why would you slow down?” It is, of course, acceptable to momentarily shift into the inner ring when scaling the 20% ramps of the Kapelmuur.

  90. Rule #91 //
    No Food On Training Rides Under Four Hours.

    This one also comes from the Apostle, Johan Museeuw, who said to @frank: “Yes, no food on rides under four hours. You need to lose some weight.” Or, as Fignon put it, sometimes, when we train, we simply have to go out to meet the Man with the Hammer. The exception is, of course, hard rides over two hours and races. Also, if you’re planning on being out for more than four hours, start eating before you get hungry. This also applies to energy drink supplements.

  91. Rule #92 //
    No Sprinting From the Hoods

    The only exception is riders whose name starts with Guiseppe and ends with Saronni. See the Goodwood Worlds in 82.24

  92. Rule #93 //
    Descents are not for recovery. Recovery Ales are for Recovery

    Descents are meant to be as hard and demanding as – and much more dangerous than – the climbs. Climb hard, descend to close a gap or open one. Descents should hurt, not be a time for recovery. Recovery is designated only for the pub and for shit-talking.25

  93. Rule #94 //
    Use the correct tool for the job, and use the tool correctly.

    Bicycle maintenance is an art; tools are designed to serve specific purposes, and it is essential that the Velominatus learns to use each tool properly when working on their loyal machine.

  94. Rule #95 //
    Never lift your bike over your head.

    Under no circumstances is it acceptable to raise one’s machine above your head. The only exception is when placing it onto a car’s roof-rack.

Posts related to The Rules may be found here.

Submit your suggestions in the posts, or via email here.
Credits

1 Thanks to Geof for this submission.
2 Stijn Devolder on Rule #5, in defense of staying in Belgium when his teammates went off to train in sunny Spain: “It is not so cold that you freeze on to your bike. You go from a temperature of zero (Celsius) to minus one and you’re not dead; It hardens your character.”
3 It is possible for experts to mix these matching guidelines successfully without breaking The Rules.  This is a very risky undertaking and can yield unpredictable results.  Proceed carefully and, if in doubt, run your configuration by the Keepers for approval.
4 Famous quote by Greg LeMond, hardman and American Cycling legend. Greg Henderson quote courtesy of Neil. (Incidentally, it does not matter how fast you go, but you may never give up.)
5 Thanks to James for his sound input on modifying this submission from it’s original draft which read, “An exception to wearing a cap when not riding is: If you have a soigneur (you don’t) and he places the cap on your head after you’ve just won a mountain top finish or soloed into the velodrome (you haven’t).”
6 Thanks to Rob for this submission.
7 Thanks to Rob (different from Rob in 6) for this submission.
8 Thanks to Saul at Speedy Reedy for this submission.
9 Thanks to BarryRoubaix for the astute observation regarding Time Trial Bikes.
10Thanks to Souleur for the astute observation regarding the Principle of Silence.
11 Thanks to Charlie for this addition.
12 Thanks to Jarvis and Steampunk for their tidy ways.
13 Thanks to Cyclops for this sensibly aesthetic addition.
15 Thanks to SupermanSam via our friends at CyclingTipsBlog.
16 Thanks to Rusty Tool Shed and Reid Beloni for assistance in helping craft the language of this Rule.
17 Thanks to Karim for this most accurate contribution.
18 Thanks to SterlingMatt for this most accurate contribution.
21 There are variants of this story, including one which is more likely to be the actual way this story unfolded, which goes that Sean Kelly is met by his wife after a the ’84 Amstel Gold Race and they get in his Citroen AX: “Ah, Sean” says his beloved wife, “in your life the car comes first, then the bike, then me.” “You got the order wrong,” Kelly scowls, “the bike comes first.” Thanks to Oli Brooke-White for helping sort out the details of the story.
22 Thanks to David Ezzy for this excellent contribution and fantastic ride out to Kaupo and back.
23 Thanks to Donnie Bugno for this most accurate contribution.
24 Thanks to Robert Millar – yes the Robert Millar for filling this most glaring omission.
25 Thanks to @urbanwhitetrash for the submission.

  1. Seriously? You guys don’t like the little baby motor in your crankset idea? I love it. In fact, as soon as Nashbar starts making them with their brand name I’m in. Do you think I’ll need a frame with a bigger BB? Maybe they will make a retrofit kit to accomodate the “old” technology. It’s simply the logical progression of things. Round wheels>carbon fiber>little baby motors in your crank.
    Think of it this way, you’ll be able to start putting beer in your bidon and twinkies in your jersey.

  2. @Souleur
    Thankfully there is a Rule about camelbacks; we all know Boonen wouldn’t break a Rule, even to hide a jetpack.

    That was close.

    I’m with the John Chamois Eating Buffet. It’s very far-fetched. Just like riders transfusing their blood for…oh.

  3. @Marko
    Maybe that’s what the whole BB30 standard is actually for. Bigger BB’s to accomodate motors.

    If there are motors in the bunch, I bet all the batteries are hooked up to the dynamo in Fabien’s bike.

  4. oh….I hadn’t thought of that. Good point fella’s

    That’ll be the new Campy super-duper Record (baby crank-motor included) in direct competition w/Di2

    BB30=BabyBooster 30 wattage

    Next generation will jump up a remarkable 25% to 40 watts boost, which translates into significant reductions in training and lazy-assness.

  5. A video explaining how mechanical doping might work
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8Nd13ARuvVE

  6. Using mechanical doping as a punnish segue, a new rule proposal: It’s the engine, not the wheels; or the indian, not the arrow. Or does that run up against Rule #4?

  7. @Jarvis
    But really, this is Spartacus we are talking about. He has been fucking dropping everybody for quite a while. Milan-San Remo? Drags a motorized bike 270Km then fires it up in the last 500m.
    If Voeckler was riding away from Tommeke I would be wondering but the World Time Trial Champion, I have no doubt.

    If it all goes pear shaped, I would enjoy my chamois sautéed in chamois butter, if you please.

  8. @Geof
    See Ron’s take over at “Cozy Beehive.” http://cozybeehive.blogspot.com/

    He’s a mechanical engineer and he’s not buying it. With graphs and diagrams!
    So it must be right.

  9. @xyxax
    Thanks. Not sure I understand all the technical stuff. But the conclusion seems sound – though there must still now be a prospect that Big Bad Pat tries to introduce a “mechanical passport”…

  10. Man, when you look at the video, it does seem kinda suspect the way he accelerates without any perceptible extra effort… he just, well, motors away! I always thought Spartacus had a big engine, but maybe he really has a small engine?

  11. @brett
    Oh no. Say it ain’t so…

  12. @all
    this is my last post on the motor-doping subject. I apologise for cluttering up the comments for The Rules

    @brett
    is that the Roubaix attack? Scary smooth isn’t it. I tried to work out whether there was any increase in cadence as you’d expect in an attack…I really don’t want this to be true, but sources are fairly strong and rumours are coming from the peloton.

    @xyxax
    I’m reading the cozybeehive as I type this and the first thing is that he only found out about it yesterday. the first mention I heard of it was in the link in comment #289 and that was April 16th. It’s not a new story, just a slow-burner.

    I’m not convinced about the arguement that the motor would need to supply and extra 200-250w. Surely an extra 50w would be more than enough to drop another rider. 50w is a lot of additional power for a cyclist

    As for the noise, there are rumours circulating (how do you think I found them) from the peloton suggest there is a noise – of course, almost impossible to verify.

    As for being able to make it all work, again I’ll argue against cozybeehive. These are pro cycling teams with budgets of millions. They used to have fully-funded doping programs running into the hundreds of thousands, A lot now have wind-testing programs, these run at about $1000 per hour, so for a team of 28 like Garmin, if erach rider only has an hour a year in the wind-tunnel, that’s $28,000. The Gruber assist retails for less than $2,000, for something that will guarantee results (more-so than wind-tunnel testing) $26,000 could go a long way to develop the system. Again, I’m not saying that this is what is happening, and I’m generally re-hashing information I’ve picked up across the internet, but I also think that cozybeehive’s report was lightweight and served only to dismiss the idea and not to investigate.

    Anyway, can we get back to The Rules.

    I think there is one missing (although probably only because I’m a Brit). Brakes must always be “euro-style” ie. front on the left.

  13. Suggestions:

    amend Rule #17

    1) you must never wear full team kit 2) you don’t wear kit from more than one team on the the same ride.

    New Rule:
    If you are a member of a club or a team, then you must never wear any kit other than of the club/team to which you belong. You have chosen to join that club/team for a reason, therefore you must represent them when out on the bike.

    New Rule:
    How kit is worn. It must never clash with another item of kit, it must look good, It must fit correctly: the jersey must never be pulled down to cover the arse. If you have saggy pockets, you must never load them so that they distort the shape of the top – you will have to go hungry and risk a puncture. Either that or get a new top with better pockets.

    New Rule:
    Thou shalt never not wear socks. There is no excuse for ever exposing ankle-bones.

  14. Jarvis
    Brakes must always be “euro-style” ie. front on the left.

    No freakin’ way! Brett would crash. So would I. So would everyone else down here. It’s bad enough trying to reconcile seasons and tights / warmers rules and cycling without a mirror. Can’t cope with changing brake hands, too (as well as having to pay Brett’s shop to change the brakes over, and my wife’s colleagues to patch me up from a thousand crashes). That rule may be OK for Northern Hemisphere, but when you’re on the opposite side of the globe you do things the opposite way. So the rule needs to reflect Hemispheric alleigances – front brakes on left for Northern Hemisphere riders, right in South.

  15. @Geof Not in agreement with that Geof on this one I think we should honor tradition and since the white man in the Antipodes has no traditions it has to be Euro…so HTFU, switch over and man up when you crash.

  16. New Rule

    When given the choice of 2 rides always take the longer/harder.

    Was in this stuation yesterday and my friend Elliot suggested this.

  17. Rob, fuck off! We run brakes the proper way, moto-style. Right front buddy. Man up, you change em…

  18. @rob
    damn right on both the lack of traditions in the colonies and on the choice of rides.

    @brett @geof
    Britain rides brakes the wrong-way around. It’s not hard to change and you feel so much better for it. Besides it makes the cable routing look rubbish, causes cable rub on the headtube and you don’t need brakes anyway.

  19. Brakes are for Pussies….

  20. Rob :New Rule
    When given the choice of 2 rides always take the longer/harder.
    Was in this stuation yesterday and my friend Elliot suggested this.

    Good candidate for a Rule. And, it’s an instantiation of Rule #5, for sure.

  21. @brett
    Shit is getting out of control. The video of Cancellara’s attack at Paris-Roubaix is on the verge of becoming the new Zapruder film. Consider the following Youtube comments.

    Jeuke86: Look at cancelarra’s right hand at 2:05, is he boosting up his motor???

    Prometheus4068: Lol at 2:10 he’s just cycling and then suddenly he accelerates hugely without even increasing pace. WTF Are the others breaking or something?

    Nevermind the fact that Hoste, on FC’s right stops pedaling as FC starts accelerating, and also the fact that the guy in front of Hoste starts soft pedaling a moment later. Nevermind the fact that one can accelerate without changing candence by shifting and increasing effort. No, the underdetermination of theory by the video data will lead the sport’s legion of cynics to indulge themselves to no end.

    The Missing Shift Theory. We should have seen a shift with the right hand when Cancellara accelerates. But we don’t. So, his accelerations can only be explained by the motor finally kicking in gear.

    The Clever Landscaper Theory: Bjarne Riis new that that spot would be a perfect place for Cancellara to attack. That’s why he urgently told him to attack right then. That’s a fact you can’t deny. He told him to attack. Why did he tell him to attack? It’s not because Boonen is at the back. Don’t be naive. No, Riis was spotted in a Belgian nursery the week before. That’s fact. He’s on video tape. What on earth would a Director be doing in Belgian nursery? There’s no way to explain it, unless he’s buying shrubs to plant alongside the road at the place he wants Cancellara to turn the motor on. The shrubs hide Cancellara’s hands at the time of the attack from the helicopter camera. You can’t deny it.

    the fact that the video provides insufficient data to show that FC shifted, will provide the basis for the “missing shift” theory. “If Cancellara had shifted, we would should see him shifting. But we can’t.” And, even if it did, the data would be reinterpreted. “No, that’s not a shift. He’s powering up his motor right there. Don’t be so naive.”

  22. brett :Rob, fuck off! We run brakes the proper way, moto-style. Right front buddy. Man up, you change em…

    Brett whilst I am honored no humbled to be told fuck off (and I can hear the accent in my head) by you but I stand firm on this one. My BMW is front right but bikes need to be front left – no exceptions. And if ole dycklexic me can do it you lefties can too. Oh and if the “white” thing bothered you I apply the same standard to the states because of what we did to the real Americans is just as disgusting (I know this is slightly off track but shite it’s a rant – low blood sugar after 300k+ long weekend).

  23. @GeofOk, had a few ales and feeling better, reread Geofs plaintive reasoning “So the rule needs to reflect Hemispheric alleigances – front brakes on left for Northern Hemisphere riders, right in South.” If that is what you guys do down under then you better stay with it.

    But the Rule sounds much better left as Jarvis wrote it:

    Brakes must always be “euro-style” ie. front on the left.

  24. @Rob
    Given that I am an unrepentant offender in respect of The Mirror Rule, and Brett knowingly assisted in the original commission of that offence (albeit having subsequently tried to distance himself from its repetition), it would be entirely understandable if the Rules Committee were to disregard our views on any proposed new rule in respect of which the only counterargument we can muster is “we’ll breach it”. At least you have the consolation of living a long, long way away from us.

  25. @Geof You raise an interesting point I have been trying to come to grips with. You have given me the inspiration to name it: The “we’ll breach it” Rule.

    I think we need a way to get out from under the Rules for certain situations. Honestly I have never been a big rule follower and I sense others too (OK mainly SGW and I’m sure John would step up to the charges, maybe Brett???) are also uninterested in helping the Man. So when, unlike in life, you come across a set of rules that make perfect sense and you want to be a true follower for the first time ever – you feel a little fucked… I mean in a, I do and I don’t sort of way.

    What this means is there needs to be a rule in the Rules that allows for things exactly like this North/South divide. That way I won’t be sitting up here so far, far away thinking there is some guys looking unvelominatus when they are braking through the sheep herds strewn across the sheep paths.

    As to the mirror thing lets let that go, I mean my understanding is that it is not a helmet mounted one so there is hope? And I kind of give no blame to Brett on that one I mean a buck is a buck or is it a kiwi??

  26. @Rob
    Sheee-it – you’re seriously risking the wrath of the Cognoscenti there, fella.

    We Rule Holists would have no issue positing / supporting a Meta Rule along those lines. It would have to require unwavering loyalty to the spirit which animates the Rules – “the vibe”, as the hapless lawyer Denis DeNuto puts it (in respect of the Australian constitution) in “The Castle”, Australia’s second-greatest export (Brett being Australia’s greatest, of course). But, within those parameters, it might then permit a little latitude – maybe overlooking minor infractions if one generally made reasonable endeavours to observe to the extent practicable as many of the other Rules as much of the time as is feasible. My only concern is whether such a Meta-Rule would also have to respect the primacy of Rule #5. On the one hand, I think it should. On the other, that might result in something which is indistinguishable from the Creed of the Cognoscenti, and I am not sure that would be A Good Thing. So am quite conflicted on the issue, really. Probably need more beer.

  27. @Geof
    Rob’s reflectiveness is encouraged amongst the Cognescenti. After all, we are the one’s who COGnize scientia. And, from another perspective, Rob is abiding by Rule #5 Fundamentalism. If we are all governed by the Rules, and many of the Rules are inconsistent with Rule #5, then the Cognescenti need a morally permissible way to violate those Rules. For example, I will never drink an espresso or a macchiato before or after a ride, as Rule #56 demands. (What the fuck is a macchiato?!?) (Rob, did you really propose this rule??) If there is a meta-rule that permissibly allows me to drink plain fucking house coffee, then we’re not in principle opposed to it.

  28. @Geof

    I have no doubt that your writing “SWG” rather than “SGW” was perfectly honest. But, what’s with “Cognoscenti”? As a lawyer, likely familiar with at least a bit of Latin, the difference might not escape you. It’s “Cognescenti”. Are you mocking us Geof?? Are you saying the Rule #5 Fundamentalists cognize no scientia? Oh, you re a snake.

  29. @david I wondered whether anyone would notice that. Didn’t want to actually raise it, as this site is about cycling not grammar and etymology. But, as you’ve raised it … I think the more usual spelling is “cognoscenti” with an “o” (after “cognos”, which I dimly recall from school days is Latin for knowledge, and from which “cognize” is also, I think, a derivation). This, of itself, would not be sufficient to put me off use of the “e”, if that is the name by which you wish to be referred. (Correcting another chap’s name would be a bit rich coming from a man who chooses not to spell “Geoff” properly.) But then I Googled “cognescenti” (with the “e”), and found that it appears to be a type of Nike footwear. So then I had a problem. I figured that you fellas wished to be known more for your “knowledge” (i.e. the sort of deep knowledge which can only come from intimate familiarity with a fundamental truth and rigid adherence to the associated principles) than for your footwear. On the other hand, calling you out on it would (i) be difficult to do without coming across as a wanker, and (ii) might make you feel that, in light of Rule #5, you had no choice but to run with the “e” rather than quietly shift to the “o”. So I steered a middle course – paid you the respect I felt you deserved (in much the same way as I respect many ascetics even though I do not wish to join them) but did not make an issue out of it. Unusually, therefore, for a man in my profession, on this occasion I was not trying to be a snake. Or to mock. And, if you wish to be referred to as a shoe rather than a shaman, in future I shall do so. (OK, that last bit was a touch mocking. But the rest wasn’t.)

  30. @Geof Just re-read my last post. I was right. It is difficult to discuss the point and not come across as a wanker. Apologies, all. Sigh …

  31. “On the other hand, calling you out on it would (i) be difficult to do without coming across as a wanker, and (ii) might make you feel that, in light of Rule #5, you had no choice but to run with the “e” rather than quietly shift to the “o”.”

    Nice.

    But, calling us out on it would (i) reveal that frank was choosing the name out of ignorance for the niceties of Latin, or (ii) reveal that he was purposefully labeling us as shoes, since we did not choose the name, and I, for one, profess no expertise in Latin.

  32. @david Yeah, boy. Not only did you sound like a wanker, but after reading my post, I sound like a wanker, too. Let’s stipulate that this conversation is over.

    The Lexicon says, “Cognescenti”. So be it.

  33. @david Done. Cognescenti it is. Could someone post something about cycling, now?

  34. @Geof

    @david

    Actually, I coined the term ‘cognoscenti’.

    As the grammatist around here, I’m calling it; use an ‘o’ not an ‘e’. It’s akin to spelling peloton with an extra ‘e’ instead of an ‘o’. It’s not fucking on.

    Lexicon changed. Cognoscenti activated.

    Obey the Lexicon.

  35. Right, I can now say I am with the fundamentalists and embrace the cognoscenti!

    But David – Oh man you are pushing buttons here! You have bad, bad issues with liquids and if you want to be the racer that we all are hoping you will be you must get in line. I cringe at what you might say next about liquid during a race because your attitude and complete disregard for the REAL drinks of the world, especially as a brilliant leader of the cognoscenti movement, frankly makes me worried.

    We are done with the beer thing but now this:

    “For example, I will never drink an espresso or a macchiato before or after a ride, as Rule #56 demands. (What the fuck is a macchiato?!?) (Rob, did you really propose this rule??) If there is a meta-rule that permissibly allows me to drink plain fucking house coffee, then we’re not in principle opposed to it.”

    I do not know where to start, ok an espresso before might by some be considered to much but after?? And I am with you on the macchiato (I do not know Italian), not knowing what it is, but I know I like it and I know why! I avoid starfucks like the plague and find small local coffee houses that know how to roast and brew.

    So again you go for the dishwater US sad little imitation of the real thing. This must be because you have never left our great shores or if you did, you spent all the time away in England (sorry Joe). The only other possibility is that you never saw Breaking Away and did not get IT.

    IT being that there are certain things in the world that the US has completely trashed that in their original form that were things of beauty. Some being; Italian bicycles, Italian women, Italian design, Italian food (do you see a theme and order here?) AND Italian Coffee!!!

    Just for the record the other Rob was responsible for this PERFECT Rule and I bow down to him.

  36. @Geof

    @david
    Ok now that thats off my chest… Does this mean that both sides agree and The “we’ll breach it” Rule can go ahead?

  37. “IT being that there are certain things in the world that the US has completely trashed that in their original form that were things of beauty. Some being; Italian bicycles, Italian women, Italian design, Italian food (do you see a theme and order here?) AND Italian Coffee!!!” – Rob

    Jeez-o-boy! I get up and read this post in the morning drinking my Italian roast coffee made the proper way, kiss my Italian girlfriend goodbye on her way to work, and look at my Italian bicycle leaning against the wall that I will ride later. Sometimes it takes someone else’s perspective to have me realize how lucky (and compliant)I am. Perhaps I should convert to a cognoscenti.

  38. My Man! I am so completely jealous! I will even forgive the breaking of Rule #11.

    Perhaps your reaction about considering joining is the crux of the matter? I mean if you are here involved in any conversation, no matter what beer/coffee you drink you are Cognoscenti. Or rather we are all of one mind and it is just details that threaten to make a needless schism. That is why the Meta Rule “we’ll breach it” sounds good to me.

    Ok, Brett?

  39. @Marko

    The rule about Italian bike only works if it means ” handmade steel Italian bike”, not the Chinese made carbon fiber stuff with an Italian brand name printed on ( I confess I am guilty of breaking this particular rule with one of my rigs).

  40. @John

    Hmmm, point taken but I’m fairly certain my carbon ALAN cyclo-cross bike was actually made in Italy. Sure, it’s not steel, but as far as I’ve been able to discern, it was handbuilt by goombah artisans in the motherland.
    My girlfriend, Sheri, on the other hand was made in the USA but undoubtedly retains strong Italian traits and pedigree. Mostly fun but can be juxtaposed by my Scandinavian disposition and upbringing.

  41. @ John: Right on, hand made steel from Italy is just that. Tiawan is just that, Tiawan. BTW…its killing Colnago

    @ Marko: I must admit, I am a fairly rigid ole bastard when it comes to the Rules. I love them, I follow them, afterall I have been riding 20 years now and find myself wondering in a peloton of likeminded cyclists of ‘if it is right’. Thank God for Cognoscenti putting this in a divinely inspired written format for us to use. Anyway, I love these Rules, but can seen not an exception but rather the Cognoscenti turning a blind eye to certain elements like your Alan cx rig because indeed there are some artisans outside of Italy building some really great stuff, like Sachs? Indy Fab? and a host of others too numerous to mention here, so kudo’s to you.

    That said, my bianchi’s and Pinarello will stand as is, and my next ride will be Pinarello. They are really speciale’.

    And back to Rules: Rule #29-thou shalt not use saddlebags. I have a terrible thing. What about if one runs tubulars. Can one properly have a tubular folded, bound by a toestrap (campy) and have it stored under the saddle as spare??

    Gratie Cognoscenti….(bow)….

  42. Rob :@Geof
    @david
    Ok now that thats off my chest… Does this mean that both sides agree and The “we’ll breach it” Rule can go ahead?

    The Rule breaking meta-rule is dangerous. Even Opus Dei does not stick its finger in the eye of the Vatican.

  43. @david

    Couldn’t agree more. These are rules, not guidelines. Moreover, you can never, ever decide that it’s okay to breach Rule #5.

  44. Souleur
    And back to Rules: Rule #29-thou shalt not use saddlebags. I have a terrible thing. What about if one runs tubulars. Can one properly have a tubular folded, bound by a toestrap (campy) and have it stored under the saddle as spare??
    Gratie Cognoscenti….(bow)….

    Tubular? Properly folded? Campy toe strap? Thats what the rails under the seat are for! You did not need to ask.

    david :

    The Rule breaking meta-rule is dangerous. Even Opus Dei does not stick its finger in the eye of the Vatican.

    But somebody should.

  45. @Rob
    Right on.

    @Souleur
    I would say that not only is it acceptable, it is de rigeur.

  46. @all
    No Rule-Breaking Meta-Rule! Are you guys crazy? That’s like adding an Amendment to the Constitution that says the Constitution doesn’t count.

    There is, however, a Meta Principle that binds The Rules together, as David pointed out earlier. This Principle is based on the notion that The Rules are meant to capture the spirit of the rich history, tradition, and culture of our sport.

    There is some room for interpretation, which is where the Cognoscenti come in. They argue that some Rules weaken the purity of the Principle whereas Rule Holists claim that embracing them all is what the Gods of our sport who writ The Rules truly meant.

    You can only break a Rule if you can justify how the Rule breaks with the Meta Principle of The Rules.

    Affixing mirrors to your bike or helmet shrouded in the arrogant notion that your family would be “better off” if you lived through your bike ride clearly breaks with this Principle. See Rule #4 and Rule #11. As does placing your front break on the right. The claim that motor bikes are set up this way is rubbish. Fuck me, but aren’t we riding bicyles? No motors, right (right?)? Are you also planning to afix a clutch to the left and put the rear brake in your crankset?

    Come the fuck on.

    The Rules Meta Principle: The purpose behind each Rule is to capture the embodiment of cycling’s rich History, Tradition, and Culture.

  47. @John. My C50 is hand rolled, glued and tested between the soft, downy thighs of Italian virgins. Besides that, when suitably battle scarred, I’m beginning to think they have a distinctly cool character that’s all their own. Mine was positively glowing with pride when I took it back to the motherland recently – I damn near bought the fucker it’s own espresso….

    Most winning-est Carbon in the Queen of the Classics too, or was until recently methinks???

    I think it’s less about material, more about encapsulating the spirit of a thousand Pasquales who realised the dreams of a generation of rouleurs with a hot welding torch and half smoked roll up.

  48. @david My remarks on the meta-rule are probably confusing. Any discussion of a meta-rule for violating the Rules should be held secretly behind closed doors amongst the Cognoscenti and then only in very quiet whispers. The public assertion or contemplation of such a rule would be, as I mentioned, like Opus Dei publicly jabbing it’s finger into the eye of the Vatican.

  49. @all
    fuck me, you all got a bit busy today.

    @geof @rob @brett
    You’re all fucking wrong about the mirrors. You can have one, but you’ll be wrong.

    About them brakes. Swapping the brakes from “British” to “Euro” was the first Velominati thing I did ever at the age of 16. That is how important I hold this proposed rule.

    @rob @david
    rob +1 on David’s issue with drinks. Rule #56 is essential. Just imagine, sitting at a small, wobbly metal table in the leafy-shade of a rustic European town square, your kit and body is velominati perfect and your photographer has been briefed about pedal angles and that it can only be black & white. You get the photos a few days later and fuck me, don’t you look a total twat trying not to spill your oversized mug of coffee while trying to wipe the frothy coffee from your nose.

    I didn’t realise there was an Italian rule. Personally I prefer French things over Italian. I’ll take your Colnago’s, Pinarello’s and Gios’ and raise you Lapierre, Gitane and LOOK.

    @all
    The Cognoscenti argue that some Rules weaken the purity of the Principle, yet they like weak drinks.

  50. Hey, get me. I’m a fist cat Velominati.

Leave a Reply

Skip to toolbar