New Rule: 52 (Plus a Guest Reverence)

New Rule: 52 (Plus a Guest Reverence)

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With the writing of our first book supposedly well underway (but in reality being discussed ad-nauseum in the Boardroom rather than actually committed to text), The Rules have at least been getting some form of attention from The Keepers. When deciding which Rules each of us were to curate, no-one really had much idea what exactly was in there; ask me what Rule #64 is, and I’m giving you a blank stare.

So a list was drawn up, and we found some deadwood hiding away, dry and rotten and ready to be tossed into the fiery cauldron atop Mt Velomis. Yep, time for a burnin’. We get a good number of suggestions for new Rules weekly, some are pure gold, some warrant a sternly-worded rebuttal, but all are usually forgotten quickly as we are just too damned useless to actually commit them to the Canon Of Cycling Etiquette. Which is why this one comes from within our ranks; it’s easier than looking back through dozens of old emails.

Without further ado, we present the newest Rule, slotting in at #52, replacing one that if any of you can recall what it was, then you deserve accolades (or sympathy) for committing such nonsense to memory.

Rule #52 // Drink in Moderation.

Bidons are to be small in size. 500ml maximum, no extra large vessels are to be seen on one’s machine. Two cages can be mounted, but only one bidon on rides under two hours is to be employed. Said solo bidon must be placed in the downtube cage only. You may only ride with a bidon in the rear cage if you have a front bidon, or you just handed your front bidon to a fan at the roadside and you are too busy crushing everyone to move it forward until you take your next drink. Bidons should match each other and preferably your bike and/or kit. The obvious exception is the classic Coca-Cola bidon which by default matches any bike and/or kit due to its heritage. Coca-Cola should only be consumed flat and near the end of a long ride or all-day solo breakaway on the roads of France.

There you have it. Let the discussions/arguments/bitching begin.

In the meantime, nutcase Aussie/esteemed community member @harminator gives us his take on the humble (and definitely small) bidon.

Yours in Cycling,

Brett

REVERENCE: THE BIDON.

The history of cycling is punctuated by technological advancement. Some developments come in giant leaps while others evolve more slowly. Either way, the march of progress is well resourced and never tires. It seems like every second week there’s a new gadget, composite material or design innovation which is absolutely necessary. I mean who could possibly continue to exist without a laser-etched, co2-filled tyre lever forged from West Flandrian unobtanium. Right?

The bidon is the forgotten cousin in the technology family. Back in the day, transporting water away from its source was pure genius. We take it for granted now, but it’s the bidon that makes endurance bike riding possible. Without it we’d be limited to riding around tracks, beside streams or from the billabong to the waterhole. Just imagine the indignity of Moser slurping from a puddle Bear Grylls-style, or a Grand Tour with Evian mountain-top drinks breaks?

But for me, the real fascination of the bidon lies with two paradoxes. Regardez-vous:

The first relates to value. On the surface they seem absolutely critical. The team necessarily commits a couple of riders to work all day on the bottles: Drop back to the car, cram one in every available jersey space, toil back up to the bunch, distribute, repeat. But the bidon itself is worthless in comparison to its contents. To the Pro, it’s a glorified bar wrapper. Drink then discard. For the average Velominatus Budgetatus, the decadence is exhilarating. I can only imagine the moment in a young Pro’s life when he first gets to fling an empty to the side of the road. There must be no clearer sign that you’ve hit the big time.

Further, when the bidon gets tossed aside, it becomes infinitely valuable again. Spectators who go nuts for all the crap thrown out by the caravan have been known to trample their own ailing Grandmothers for the things. They salute as if they’ve won the fucking Stage when they souvenir a grotty piece of cheap plastic dripping with Belgian Toothpaste. In the world of the bike race spectator, the bidon is the ducks nuts.

The second paradox centres on its use. The bidon has become part of the glorious realm of cycling gamesmanship. A rider’s use of the bidon should not give anything away about his or her level of suffering. Many of us have felt the total demoralisation of inhaling wasps, trying to hold on to the group, when the rider in front takes a drink as if they’re sipping a Mojito by the pool. Don’t get played. It’s a standard show of strength and often all bluff. The bottle is probably empty. Conversely, if you’re about to expire from dehydration, it’s critical not to show it by guzzling lustily. You might as well announce that you’re suffering badly and that now would be a good time to attack.

In the world of the amateur group ride, the bidon can be a measuring stick for rider competency. You can tell a lot about a rider by the way they take a drink. When the new guy in the group keeps his eyes ahead, makes a clean pickup, drinks modestly, and re-cages surely, all the while observing Rule #59, you know they’ve got their shit together. But if they throw an empty to the side of the road, prepare to hang tough – things are be about to get very messy.

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// Guest Article // Reverence // The Rules

  1. @Ken Ho What?

  2. @Ken Ho

    Dunno what part of Oz you blokes come form, but even the franchise bakeries use a proper machine to grind and make their own coffee. I don’t think I’ve seen a cafe that serves anything but fresh coffee out of a proper machine in at least 10 years. Most of the hillbilly towns have had their teeth fixed.

    Also, I suspect that most people bagging out Starbucks have not actually been inside one. They have proper espresso (see how quick I learn) too. Of course, they employ hipsters, so anything they do has to be bad.

    I have a soft spot for the Pacific North-West too, sasquatch not-withstanding. I have not been to Seattle, but between Pearl Jam and Soundgarden, you can’t complain about the music. I have been to Vancouver a number of times on my way to Whistler and I had tej finest breakfast I have ever eaten served to me there.

    Maybe, but authentic machines does not necessarily mean good coffee. It’s an art to make good caffe.

  3. @Ken Ho thought you said you only drank instant?

  4. Yes, I mostly do drink instant Moccona Rich, but I do get out and sit in cafes to eat and socialise and a bloody great steaming hissing monstrosity is a bit hard to miss.  I’ll occasionally buy a coffee too, but buggered if I’m coughing up $4 every time I want  drink.  I’d be broke.  I don’t mind the odd espresso while out ski-ing either.  Goes down a treat and not to hard on the bladder.  On a long winter ride, I’ll stop and refill with a long black too.

    My missus has been a slave to her favourite coffee shop for a few years, and a coffee for her means a 20min drive each way.  Funny though, she’s gone off it recently.  Maybe she is dead.

    A proper machine may not automatically mean good coffee, but it’s a good place to start. The original assertion was that a request for a cappucino would produce a blank stare if more than 2 hr from the Centre of the Universe.  I wonder how Picard got on ?  Maybe that’s what the famous face-palm is all about.  Searching the Universe for a decent coffee.  It may also explain why teh Vucans were such a miserable lot and why the Klingons had permanent PMT.

  5. @TommyTubolare not sure, the bike was set up by the guy who ran the shop I bought it from & he carries a pretty decent reputation here so I trust he knows what it can handle.

    @Deakus you were correct only on the quality of the photo, I don’t think my phone adjusted well to the light coming through the blinds. It’s definitely red on the colour scheme.

  6. @Daccordi Rider yeah I thought that might be you, unfortunately the two lanes worth of traffic between us made it a little tough to wander over & carry out introductions.

    btw the Cogal article is up on the site, we’ve even had some interest!

  7. @Ron Don’t be ridiculous! I could quit drinking coffee anytime, I just choose not to…

  8. @Marcus

    @G’rilla

    @Marcus

    Minion – that was fucking pathetic

    Of course it was, I was talking about you, It had t be.

  9. @minion

    @Marcus

    @G’rilla

    @Marcus

    Minion – that was fucking pathetic

    Of course it was, I was talking about you, It had t be.

    And all is right with the world once again.

  10. @Ron Oh no you poor, poor mild mannered, even tempered lad. You’ve obviously never been in the depths of a semi psychotic caffeine – charged manic episode. They are a truly transcendent experience and a way for mere mortals to experience the greatness of the universe.

    Except from instant coffee, f**k that sh*t

  11. @Ron

    This Rule seemingly goes without saying. Seems obvious enough.

    And all this talk of coffee and espresso. I gotta go the other way. Caffeine is for pussies. If you like the taste or the ritual, okay. But if you need it to get up and stay up, see Rule V. I don’t feel awesome when I wake up. I also don’t feel awesome mid-afternoon. Guess what i do? See Rule V.

    Go on all you want, but it’s a crutch for most folks. The compact crankset of liquid enabling.

    +1…if you love coffee so much chuck fist full of bean in your jersey and munch them as you go round.  Don’t forget to save 2 though to stuff up your nostrils and stop the bleeding when you move from V threshold to suicidal gun crushing go for the line mode…

  12. @Mikael Liddy

    @TommyTubolare not sure, the bike was set up by the guy who ran the shop I bought it from & he carries a pretty decent reputation here so I trust he knows what it can handle.

    @Deakus you were correct only on the quality of the photo, I don’t think my phone adjusted well to the light coming through the blinds. It’s definitely red on the colour scheme.

    My soul rests at peace…my apologies for casting aspersions on your colour matching abilities!…move on everyone..there is nothing to see here..all is right with the world once more.

  13. @Deakus That’s just silly, if you like water do I tell you to drink the separate molecules?

  14. @Oli

    @Deakus That’s just silly, if you like water do I tell you to drink the separate molecules?

    Aha…but silly is the world I live in…if you thought I was being serious…then we have all got issues!

  15. @Deakus We have all got issues…

  16. @Oli

    @Deakus We have all got issues…

    I don’t.

  17. …sorry, apart from Harminator.

  18. @ frank

    Rather good??

  19. @niksch
    Badger Jersey-A sign that she has style and class. On Wisconsin!

     

  20. Don’t know where to post this, but today was the day when I executed my first chase-down. I was riding in a line of three round my local park, we were going at a pretty good pace, guy shoots past us real quick on one of those funny TT bikes which make a murmuring sound.

    Usually I would let it go, but today was different. One word came to mind, and that word was “NO.”

    Before I knew it, I had switched to guns, turned the V-burners to ‘immolate’, swung out, chased the guy down, passed him, and kept power at 90%+ until my V-meter read ‘critical’.

    Felt good.

  21. @itburns

    Nothing to do with anything else, but I don’t think they are targeting the cycling community:

    This stuff is made in Tennessee and is basically like Mountain Dew with extra sugar and caffeine.  In the early 90’s they actually had an amateur cycling team.  I had a friend who rode for them.  But the slogan wasn’t around yet.

  22. @Winelli

    Don’t know where to post this, but today was the day when I executed my first chase-down. I was riding in a line of three round my local park, we were going at a pretty good pace, guy shoots past us real quick on one of those funny TT bikes which make a murmuring sound.

    Usually I would let it go, but today was different. One word came to mind, and that word was “NO.”

    Before I knew it, I had switched to guns, turned The V-burners to ‘immolate’, swung out, chased the guy down, passed him, and kept power at 90%+ until my V-Meter read ‘critical’.

    Felt good.

    Nice one!…these are the moments that matter…I hope you are now quenching the steaming V-burners with a suitable hop related beverage…it’s the only way to cool them down without cracking the seals on them!

  23. okay, admit it, who amongst you found themselves consciously trying to replace the bidon in the cage while keeping up a good cadence and eyes firmly on the road ahead when out for a ride after reading this ?

  24. Rule #52

    Pfft!  A ride less than two hours?!?!?  Why even get the carbon steed off the rack?  As much respect should be paid to oneself as it should, to the water bottles!

  25. @Hebrew Hammer This post used spittle (weird). Most all of your races must have a duration of more than 2 hours then if you aren’t willing to train for any duration less than.

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