Not European, Not a Satchel.

Rule #29: When is an EPMS not an EPMS?

Rule #29: When is an EPMS not an EPMS?

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Saddle bags have no place on a road bike, and are only acceptable on mountain bikes in extreme cases.

Saddle bags: how do we define them? Is it a saddle bag if it attaches to the seat post and the saddle, if it has a zipper, if it is leather, has two natty straps with buckles, if it swings below the saddle like bumper bollocks?

I weaned myself off a discreet EPMS after twenty-five years of use. I was not happy about transferring the contents to a rear pocket but I’m a team player so I conformed. Previous to that was the ‘core sew-up tire held under the saddle with spare toe clip strap. Back then bikes only had one bidon cage, held on with paint ruining metal clamps. The position forward of the seat tube was reserved for a silca frame pump. Some ride with a tire in a jersey pocket, but with no second bidon to bastardize, it usually had to go under the seat. At least we weren’t wearing tires around the shoulders. I’m not that old, FFS.

When I see professional cyclists out training here, they rock the EPMS. Am I going to correct Ryder, not in this life. I couldn’t catch him to start with, if I did I would be too winded to explain myself and really, why? If you ride clincher tires, with inner-tubes or sealant, one has to carry some tire levers and a spare tube, at a minimum. My custom waterproof phone/money/drivers license/inner-tube/levers/5mm allen wrench bag was a fat bastard. Getting things out of it quickly or elegantly was near impossible.

Then Lezyne came to the rescue with the waterproof mobile phone/money/card /fits in cycling jersey pocket, wallet. They actually didn’t come to the rescue, I paid retail for it but the design rescued me with its brilliance. The phone is in a safe waterproof compartment yet one can access and operate it through the clear plastic window. So all that went into my center rear pocket, but left me with a tube/levers/5mm allen key to stow, in another pocket? Nay, it’s the Lezyne caddy sack, I’m thinking this tucks under the seat, held with old toe clip strap; the clincher rider’s spare tire, without the tire. It’s a sew-up without the outer casing. It’s a nod to the old school in a nice waterproof pvc dry sack, and yes, that is crap.

What does Frank say? I believe his words will be something like “What you have here is a crude looking EPMS held under you saddle with a nasty looking old strap.” Where does he store his spare sew-up tire? I’m already abusing Rule #1, Rule #30 and now Rule #31 too. Luckily or sadly, he is many miles away probably won’t get wind of this.

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// The Rules

  1. @The Pressure I’m guessing a well-groomed bush and the usual female genitalia. But I like a fit, strong woman who’ll keep up when it’s time to ride hard and lay waste to zombie hordes.

  2. @The Pressure Her name is Nicole and that indeed is my Merckx.  I was lucky enough to catch Fxyo and Nicole doing a photoshoot for his new kit about 6 weeks ago where she was doing hill repeats up a notorious little hill off Yarra boulevard in Melbourne that some here will know called Yarra St.

    She is not only a stunner but a very nice person who could smash most of us on the bike (was going to say “ride the pants off most of us” but given your dirty little minds I refrained).

    kiwicyclist

  3. I’ve seen the light, my EPMS is history. And the blinkie. On to Rule #33.

  4. @marcus you would not have seen her because that would require swinging your leg over a bike instead of your current training regime bending your elbow at our local hostelry.

  5. @Kiwicyclist

    (was going to say “ride the pants off most of us” but given your dirty little minds I refrained).

    That might be enough to get @Marcus to start riding again.

  6. @Kiwicyclist Pardonne moi…

  7. @PeakInTwoYears

    @The Pressure I’m guessing a well-groomed bush and the usual female genitalia. But I like a fit, strong woman who’ll keep up when it’s time to ride hard and lay waste to zombie hordes.

    Not sure what picture @The Pressure is looking at, she looks like a mighty fine, healthy young woman, Im liking the whole picture, alot !!

  8. @Barracuda Yeah, for sure. The zombie hordes thing was just me.

  9. @Kiwicyclist

    1. I’ts Kew blvd, Yarra blvd is on Richmond you sheep fucker.

    2. I shall have you know that i sat on the rollers for a good 40 minutes earlier in the week. And I may even ride tomorrow.

  10. What’s with the fi'zi:k seatpost ring. I see no Fizik.

  11. @Steve-o

    I’ve seen the light, my EPMS is history. And the blinkie. On to Rule #33.

    Good man.

  12. Here you go – even comes colour conformant.

    http://www.wiggle.co.uk/timbuk2-mission-cycling-wallet/

  13. @Kiwicyclist

    @The Pressure Her name is Nicole and that indeed is my Merckx. I was lucky enough to catch Fxyo and Nicole doing a photoshoot for his new kit about 6 weeks ago where she was doing hill repeats up a notorious little hill off Yarra boulevard in Melbourne that some here will know called Yarra St.

    She is not only a stunner but a very nice person who could smash most of us on the bike (was going to say “ride the pants off most of us” but given your dirty little minds I refrained).

    kiwicyclist

    So what year is the bike???  I have a 1992 and a 2007 Merckx.  Just love them.  One is old steel the other stiff Scandium.  Is yours a 1995 or there abouts?  Just a beauty!

  14. @frank

    @tessar

    @Deakus

    5. Who is better than the ASSOS girl!

    A girl with real legs!

    And aside from those socks, 100% Rule Compliant.

    What, everyone’s too gobsmacked to notice the Rule #41 violation?

  15. I tried to stay out of this, but here is my take on this subject.

    1.) When I race, of course there is no EPMS

    2.) When I train, like many PROs, I use an EPMS.

    If you don’t like the look of my small EPMS, then rule V and drop me.  If you have to suck my wheel to keep up, no complaining.

  16. @pistard

    @frank

    @tessar

    @Deakus

    5. Who is better than the ASSOS girl!

    A girl with real legs!

    And aside from those socks, 100% Rule Compliant.

    What, everyone’s too gobsmacked to notice the Rule #41 violation?

    +1 not to mention Campagnolo equipped EM with shimano pedals.

  17. this is mine, and i have a spare one for sale… ;-D

  18. @TommyTubolare

    @pistard

    @frank

    @tessar

    @Deakus

    5. Who is better than the ASSOS girl!

    A girl with real legs!

    And aside from those socks, 100% Rule Compliant.

    What, everyone’s too gobsmacked to notice the Rule #41 violation?

    +1 not to mention Campagnolo equipped EM with shimano pedals.

    That’s a feature, not a fault.

  19. @Nate

    A wrong feature.

    Modern carbon EM, maybe? Not from that period and not with Campagnolo.

  20. @frank

    Nice puncture kit presentation. All you need to do now is to remember to take it with you on your rides.

  21. @TommyTubolare

    @Nate

    A wrong feature.

    Modern carbon EM, maybe? Not from that period and not with Campagnolo.

    You’ll need to take this up with our resident authority on Italian style, @PedaleForchetta. Word of warning though, he’s gonna disagree with you…

  22. @TommyTubolare

    @frank

    Nice puncture kit presentation. All you need to do now is to remember to take it with you on your rides.

    That was a point I should have presented. It’s nice having the repair kit stay with the bike, always.

  23. @pistard

    @frank

    @tessar

    @Deakus

    5. Who is better than the ASSOS girl!

    A girl with real legs!

    And aside from those socks, 100% Rule Compliant.

    What, everyone’s too gobsmacked to notice the Rule #41 violation?

    Alas, we are weak Velomanati and were distracted by temptations of the flesh.

    @pistard

  24. @TommyTubolare

    The pedals are a flagerant breach, but what’s wrong with a Campa-equipped Merckx?

    Not to mention this (although technically it was a Colnago, I know I know)

  25. @frank

    I think you misunderstood my post.EM with Campagnolo all the way, especially older models hence my post about the pedals.Modern, carbon frames I wouldn’t care so much.

  26. @Lolito

    http://imageshack.us/photo/my-images/6/apqw.jpg/

    I didn’t realize it was even possible to have an even uglier EPMS! My poor eyes…

  27. @Balexander

    @Lolito

    http://imageshack.us/photo/my-images/6/apqw.jpg/

    I didn’t realize it was even possible to have an even uglier EPMS! My poor eyes…

    But wait… that cluster is hanging on a Giant mountain bike. Scroll through some of the other pictures on the page.

    It’s not on a road bike, so I’m wondering – Do we care?

  28. @JACD214 Good catch.  Inattention to detail is what happens when I’m only caring to procrastinate.

  29. @frank

    The pedals are a flagerant breach

    Remind me of your qualifications to express opinions on what is a good pedal?

  30. @eightzero

    A truism that all Velominati must embrace is that the aesthetics of the bike are not to be detracted from. Indeed, the rider on a bike is much like a guy in a porn movie: no one looks at that, but it is equipment that has to be there

    +1000. this is the most important point made. i can’t stand anything extra being on my bike; i make a concession to lights only when they’re absolutely necessary for survival.  and even then, i try to keep them in my pockets until they’re needed (unless they’re too damn bulky for that; looking at you Lezyne mega drive).

    did anyone notice the pump strapped to his down tube bidon cage?  seriously?!?  wtf is the world coming to?

    personally, after not using one for long enough, i can’t stand the EPMS any more.  even with the tightest, smallest one possible i can still somehow feel it with my legs and it drives me NUTS.  my only issue is, much like the sentiment quoted above, i hate having a pump sticking out of my jersey pocket.  but the Lezyne road drive is the only pump worth using.  so i’m stuck…

  31. @Kiwicyclist

    @The Pressure Her name is Nicole and that indeed is my Merckx. I was lucky enough to catch Fxyo and Nicole doing a photoshoot for his new kit about 6 weeks ago where she was doing hill repeats up a notorious little hill off Yarra boulevard in Melbourne that some here will know called Yarra St.

    She is not only a stunner but a very nice person who could smash most of us on the bike (was going to say “ride the pants off most of us” but given your dirty little minds I refrained).

    kiwicyclist

    That’s not actually her bike?  Damn, another fantasy comes crashing to the ground like the Hindenburg…

  32. I’m sorry, but when you start to look like a camel (@ the engine) then maybe the time has come to get a small EPMS.

  33. @mrs engine

    I’m sorry, but when you start to look like a camel (@ the engine) then maybe the time has come to get a small EPMS.

    Or carry less shit…

  34. I carry a mini pump, three tyre levers, an inner tube and maybe a piece of old tyre (in case something unexpected manages to cause damage to my tyre wall) all in a single elastic band. This could all fit in the same pocket as my phone should I desire. I have been known to carry a multitool, but that’s tiny…

    Seriously @Gianni… what’s going on in your head?

  35. @the Engine  Thats always been your problem though.  Just look at the bag you took on holiday JUST for your cycling kit! Jaysus……

  36. @mrs engine

    @the Engine Thats always been your problem though. Just look at the bag you took on holiday. Jaysus……

    Fixed your post

  37. @the Engine

    @mrs engine

    @the Engine Thats always been your problem though. Just look at the bag you took on holiday. Jaysus……

    Fixed your post

    You wish!

  38. @Lukas

    I tried to stay out of this, but here is my take on this subject.

    1.) When I race, of course there is no EPMS

    2.) When I train, like many PROs, I use an EPMS.

    If you don’t like the look of my small EPMS, then Rule V and drop me. If you have to suck my wheel to keep up, no complaining.

    Spot on, old cock.   I don’t understand why you all carry pumps either.  CO2 is the only solutIon.  I don’t need to prove I’m not lazy by hand pumping tyres. Lazy people do not go on 100 km rides.

  39. @Ken Ho But is it a lazy 100 km ??

  40. An EPMS is considered always a not — or a no.

  41. For the record. Recent Maui EPMS amputations.

    Forgive rotation…smart phone indeed.

  42. So I just got my new edition of Peloton magazine and there, about two pages in, across a double-page ad for Castelli is none other than David Millar;  out training somewhere near Villamari, Spain with not only a pump clipped to his down-tube but also a saddle-bag discretely hanging from his saddle. When I can out-ride David Millar, I will adhere to this aspect of The Rules. Until then, I remain unrepentant.

  43. @PT just because they make shit so people buy it doesn’t mean we have to.

  44. That is true Piwakawaka, but I don’t think Castelli make either pumps or other accessories. They just make clothes and the ad is for clothes.  The accouterments on his bike are incidental to the ad.

  45. @PT there is nothing incidental in any advertising.

  46. @Dan   Looks like a recipe for suddenly finding a sharp object up your jacksie.

  47. Hi friends, how is the whole thing, and what you want to say about this article, in my
    view itss actually remarkable designed for me.

  48. Much like the Lezyne phone pouch, I have the Rapha essentials case, which is big enough to hole a small multi tool, 2 CO2s and the inflater, some cash and bank card, tyre levers and a patch kit because I’m too cheap and don’t know enough about tubulars to be using them. If I had a smaller phone, it would fit in there too. I keep a spare tube either in a jersey pocket or taped under my saddle.

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