Rule #29: When is an EPMS not an EPMS?

Not European, Not a Satchel.
Not European, Not a Satchel.

Saddle bags have no place on a road bike, and are only acceptable on mountain bikes in extreme cases.

Saddle bags: how do we define them? Is it a saddle bag if it attaches to the seat post and the saddle, if it has a zipper, if it is leather, has two natty straps with buckles, if it swings below the saddle like bumper bollocks?

I weaned myself off a discreet EPMS after twenty-five years of use. I was not happy about transferring the contents to a rear pocket but I’m a team player so I conformed. Previous to that was the ‘core sew-up tire held under the saddle with spare toe clip strap. Back then bikes only had one bidon cage, held on with paint ruining metal clamps. The position forward of the seat tube was reserved for a silca frame pump. Some ride with a tire in a jersey pocket, but with no second bidon to bastardize, it usually had to go under the seat. At least we weren’t wearing tires around the shoulders. I’m not that old, FFS.

When I see professional cyclists out training here, they rock the EPMS. Am I going to correct Ryder, not in this life. I couldn’t catch him to start with, if I did I would be too winded to explain myself and really, why? If you ride clincher tires, with inner-tubes or sealant, one has to carry some tire levers and a spare tube, at a minimum. My custom waterproof phone/money/drivers license/inner-tube/levers/5mm allen wrench bag was a fat bastard. Getting things out of it quickly or elegantly was near impossible.

Then Lezyne came to the rescue with the waterproof mobile phone/money/card /fits in cycling jersey pocket, wallet. They actually didn’t come to the rescue, I paid retail for it but the design rescued me with its brilliance. The phone is in a safe waterproof compartment yet one can access and operate it through the clear plastic window. So all that went into my center rear pocket, but left me with a tube/levers/5mm allen key to stow, in another pocket? Nay, it’s the Lezyne caddy sack, I’m thinking this tucks under the seat, held with old toe clip strap; the clincher rider’s spare tire, without the tire. It’s a sew-up without the outer casing. It’s a nod to the old school in a nice waterproof pvc dry sack, and yes, that is crap.

What does Frank say? I believe his words will be something like “What you have here is a crude looking EPMS held under you saddle with a nasty looking old strap.” Where does he store his spare sew-up tire? I’m already abusing Rule #1, Rule #30 and now Rule #31 too. Luckily or sadly, he is many miles away probably won’t get wind of this.

[dmalbum path=”/velominati.com/content/Photo Galleries/j.andrews3[email protected]/EPMS/”/]

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234 Replies to “Rule #29: When is an EPMS not an EPMS?”

  1. @Buck Rogers

    @Gianni

    @scaler911

    Here’s Keeper Gianni photoed just before this article was written:

    I wrote this shit while I was in the damn van! This stuffs kicks like a mule.

    All right, that was fun. As exciting as yelling fire in a theater. The general consensus seems to be:

    That Lezyne caddy sack in an abomination.

    Anything under the seat is an abomination.

    Nobody is buying the “nod to sew-ups, old school” thing (fair enough, it was rubbish)

    The SMP saddle is also an abomination (yeah, fuck off, it stays).

    I should get my shit sorted in my pockets and HTFU.

    Anything else?

    Yes. Get your ass to West Point on the 20th of October for the Cogal with your bike sans the saddle scrotum!

    For god sake don’t try to bring that vehicle on base though.

  2. @frank

    @EricW

    @Gianni I’m with you, even if everyone thinks you’ve lost your mind like @Brett. That said, I contend mine isn’t a “satchel” since it isn’t enclosed.

    That thing is just as fucked now as it was when you first posted it.

    Second try, second swift shut down. NICE!

    I agree. It’s like your fucking bib shorts got caught when you tried to cyclocross mount yer road bike for a laugh and now they’re stuck under your saddle.

    Take off.

  3. @Nate

    @Buck Rogers

    @Gianni

    @scaler911

    Here’s Keeper Gianni photoed just before this article was written:

     

     

    I wrote this shit while I was in the damn van! This stuffs kicks like a mule.

    All right, that was fun. As exciting as yelling fire in a theater. The general consensus seems to be:

    That Lezyne caddy sack in an abomination.

    Anything under the seat is an abomination.

    Nobody is buying the “nod to sew-ups, old school” thing (fair enough, it was rubbish)

    The SMP saddle is also an abomination (yeah, fuck off, it stays).

    I should get my shit sorted in my pockets and HTFU.

    Anything else?

    Yes. Get your ass to West Point on the 20th of October for the Cogal with your bike sans the saddle scrotum!

    For god sake don’t try to bring that vehicle on base though.

    Ha!  Damn!  Alarms would be going off all over the place!  I’m sure that West Point must have some law against all things “Hippy” and that would definitely fit the description.

  4. @tessar

    @Deakus

    5. Who is better than the ASSOS girl!

    A girl with real legs!

    Wow, wow, wow, what a BEAUTY!  And the woman isn’t too shabby, either!

  5. @frank

    @tessar

    @Deakus

    5. Who is better than the ASSOS girl!

    A girl with real legs!

    And aside from those socks, 100% Rule Compliant.

    I’m not sure what’s sexier the girl or the bike or does the bike increase the sexiness of the girl or vice verse… excellent picture of why some girls just plain rule.

  6. @frank Damn!  What a bike.  What year is that Merckx Frame?  I have a 1992 steel frame that looks very close.  1995?

  7. Ill admit I ride my MTB with a EPMS. the nature of the sport means that I need to be 100% self sufficient(cant be stranded in the desert 10 miles from the nearest paved road) not to mention that 29er tubes are fucking huge. But I would never put one on my Road bike.

    Compare:

  8. @Brian

    @frank

    @tessar

    @Deakus

    5. Who is better than the ASSOS girl!

    A girl with real legs!

    And aside from those socks, 100% Rule Compliant.

    I’m not sure what’s sexier the girl or the bike or does the bike increase the sexiness of the girl or vice verse… excellent picture of why some girls just plain rule.

    Oh my Merckx, I want that between my legs. Now.

  9. @Gianni

    @scaler911

    Here’s Keeper Gianni photoed just before this article was written:

    I wrote this shit while I was in the damn van! This stuffs kicks like a mule.

    All right, that was fun. As exciting as yelling fire in a theater. The general consensus seems to be:

    That Lezyne caddy sack in an abomination.

    Anything under the seat is an abomination.

    Nobody is buying the “nod to sew-ups, old school” thing (fair enough, it was rubbish)

    The SMP saddle is also an abomination (yeah, fuck off, it stays).

    I should get my shit sorted in my pockets and HTFU.

    Anything else?

    Okay, piss taken, faith restored.

  10. @Ron I must really like all you imaginary people in my computer to change my behavior because of you.  Repacked stuff into two slim zipper packs in left and right pockets.  Ditched the large multitool for a small lighter one.  Seems to work ok with a second bidon in the center pocket.  I feel like I’m tempting fate by not carrying a chainbreaker though, so I have a couple of master links.

    If I hurt myself carrying all this crap, I swear I’ll going to find you and superglue the biggest damn EPMS I can find to your seat.  Same goes for @Frank.

  11. @unversio

    @Cyclops

    I’ve ofter been asked why I don’t carry tools and pumps and tubes and such* and my reply is always “Because you do.”

    *I actually do, I carry one tire lever, one CO2 cartridge and head, and one tube neatly nestled in a plastic baggie in the center jersey pocket

    (Nacho voice) “All those things you just said. Are all my favorite things (to carry in a jersey pocket) too!”

    Nacho Libre makes his appearance – excellent.

    “When you are a man, sometimes you wear stretchy pants in your room. It’s for fun.”

  12. @captainsideburns

    I have my inner tube (Continental Race Supersonic) fitted into a section of MTB tube, it weighs 50g so folds up very small. It fits wedged under the saddle. Then Crankbrothers Tyre lever and mini pump. Never needed anything else, bar food and appropriate outerwear.

    1 / 2
    Slideshow:
    Fullscreen:
    Download:

    T

    That’s the thinking that eventually made Eddy cry. I was trying to figure out where I could install my wee led red flasher on this SPM saddle and noticed there was an inner-tubed size space up there between the rails. But then I got greedy and wanted it protected from the elements and why not throw in the levers too. And now I’m fucked. Doomed. Living in a van down by the river.

  13. @EricW

    @Ron I must really like all you imaginary people in my computer to change my behavior because of you. Repacked stuff into two slim zipper packs in left and right pockets. Ditched the large multitool for a small lighter one. Seems to work ok with a second bidon in the center pocket. I feel like I’m tempting fate by not carrying a chainbreaker though, so I have a couple of master links.

    If I hurt myself carrying all this crap, I swear I’ll going to find you and superglue the biggest damn EPMS I can find to your seat. Same goes for @Frank.

    Eric, thanks for standing tall, for a bit. Yeah, who are these people that shame us so easily? I’m going to become the sock nazi. Bastards.

  14. @Gianni

    @EricW

    I must really like all you imaginary people in my computer […]

    Yeah, who are these people that shame us so easily?

    Heh, heh. You have to get to know someone pretty fucking well before they stop being imaginary. Even if you’re sleeping with them.

  15. @Marcus

    @Beers

    @Marcus

    @Beers

    Can’t quite believe it. Surely there is some way to better strap that shit up underneath the seat? It is just dangling there…

    Nothing compared to all of you trainspotters out there, but if I can fit 2 tubes snaked tightly then held with electrical tape, and a pouch that holds CO2, multitool that has levers, cash/cc, key, and a fucking inhaler in ONE POCKET, you muppets can fit this shit in your back pockets too!

    You kind of lost me at the inhaler part Spalding.

    Uh, asthmatic? Point being it is as large as another CO2. WTF is the Spalding reference, Poindexter?

    Spalding: “what about my asthma”
    Judge Smells: “I’ll give you asthma”

    If that doesnt make sense to you, what you put in your pockets is the least of your problems.

    Caddy s(h)ack and asthma, I see what you did there…

  16. @Gianni

    @Buck Rogers

    @Gianni Yes, but at least it seems to be a smoke filled van. Could be worse.

    Love the Van. Love that movie. And no, I don’t think I’d be allowed on West Point.

    Well you could, but you’d need this:

  17. @frank

    @tessar

    @Deakus

    5. Who is better than the ASSOS girl!

    A girl with real legs!

    And aside from those socks, 100% Rule Compliant.

    @Buck Rogers

    The upsetting bit is that the bike she is on is Kiwicyclist’s (he posts here from time to time), she is in Melbourne and I have never seen her. Go to Fyxo for a full gallery.

  18. @frank

    And a general note: stop carrying so much shit, people. Minimize, everything goes in the middle pocket – phone, id, cash, tube, levers, patches, mini tool. If it doesn’t fit, get smaller tools, don’t buy bigger bags.

    Merckxdamnit.

    This. For the love of Merckx, this.

    Look after your things and they will look after you. Until they don’t, that’s where the best stories begin. Kinda like this http://dirtbagdiaries.com/benighted

  19. Looks like the bait has well and truly been taken since i first looked at this post.

    Have to say though :

    I can’t prove that its an EPMS. But when I see a bird that quacks like a duck, walks like a duck, has feathers and webbed feet and associates with ducks””I’m certainly going to assume that it is a duck

    Mmmmm,

  20. @EricW

    @Ron I must really like all you imaginary people in my computer to change my behavior because of you. Repacked stuff into two slim zipper packs in left and right pockets. Ditched the large multitool for a small lighter one. Seems to work ok with a second bidon in the center pocket. I feel like I’m tempting fate by not carrying a chainbreaker though, so I have a couple of master links.

    If I hurt myself carrying all this crap, I swear I’ll going to find you and superglue the biggest damn EPMS I can find to your seat. Same goes for @Frank.

    A chain breaker? FFS, if you need to carry a chain breaker you have some serious maintenance problems.

  21. @Gianni

     I’m going to become the sock nazi. Bastards.

    In that case, care to weigh in on the example a little up the page?

  22. @eightzero

    @Brian

    @frank

    @tessar

    @Deakus

    5. Who is better than the ASSOS girl!

    A girl with real legs!

    And aside from those socks, 100% Rule Compliant.

    I’m not sure what’s sexier the girl or the bike or does the bike increase the sexiness of the girl or vice verse… excellent picture of why some girls just plain rule.

    Oh my Merckx, I want that between my legs. Now.

    I shudder to think what’s between ‘her’ legs…

  23. @The Pressure I’m guessing a well-groomed bush and the usual female genitalia. But I like a fit, strong woman who’ll keep up when it’s time to ride hard and lay waste to zombie hordes.

  24. @The Pressure Her name is Nicole and that indeed is my Merckx.  I was lucky enough to catch Fxyo and Nicole doing a photoshoot for his new kit about 6 weeks ago where she was doing hill repeats up a notorious little hill off Yarra boulevard in Melbourne that some here will know called Yarra St.

    She is not only a stunner but a very nice person who could smash most of us on the bike (was going to say “ride the pants off most of us” but given your dirty little minds I refrained).

    kiwicyclist

  25. @marcus you would not have seen her because that would require swinging your leg over a bike instead of your current training regime bending your elbow at our local hostelry.

  26. @Kiwicyclist

    (was going to say “ride the pants off most of us” but given your dirty little minds I refrained).

    That might be enough to get @Marcus to start riding again.

  27. @PeakInTwoYears

    @The Pressure I’m guessing a well-groomed bush and the usual female genitalia. But I like a fit, strong woman who’ll keep up when it’s time to ride hard and lay waste to zombie hordes.

    Not sure what picture @The Pressure is looking at, she looks like a mighty fine, healthy young woman, Im liking the whole picture, alot !!

  28. @Kiwicyclist

    1. I’ts Kew blvd, Yarra blvd is on Richmond you sheep fucker.

    2. I shall have you know that i sat on the rollers for a good 40 minutes earlier in the week. And I may even ride tomorrow.

  29. @Kiwicyclist

    @The Pressure Her name is Nicole and that indeed is my Merckx. I was lucky enough to catch Fxyo and Nicole doing a photoshoot for his new kit about 6 weeks ago where she was doing hill repeats up a notorious little hill off Yarra boulevard in Melbourne that some here will know called Yarra St.

    She is not only a stunner but a very nice person who could smash most of us on the bike (was going to say “ride the pants off most of us” but given your dirty little minds I refrained).

    kiwicyclist

    So what year is the bike???  I have a 1992 and a 2007 Merckx.  Just love them.  One is old steel the other stiff Scandium.  Is yours a 1995 or there abouts?  Just a beauty!

  30. I tried to stay out of this, but here is my take on this subject.

    1.) When I race, of course there is no EPMS

    2.) When I train, like many PROs, I use an EPMS.

    If you don’t like the look of my small EPMS, then rule V and drop me.  If you have to suck my wheel to keep up, no complaining.

  31. @pistard

    @frank

    @tessar

    @Deakus

    5. Who is better than the ASSOS girl!

    A girl with real legs!

    And aside from those socks, 100% Rule Compliant.

    What, everyone’s too gobsmacked to notice the Rule #41 violation?

    +1 not to mention Campagnolo equipped EM with shimano pedals.

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