The Rules endpapers

The Rules: Coming to the US May 5

The Rules: Coming to the US May 5

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We recently lost our beloved Great Dane, Kirki, who we nicknamed Beene for reasons that elude logic. She was a good dog, more sweet than clever. A sad side effect of big dog breeds and their short lives is that it wasn’t until nearly the end of her life that she made certain key discoveries about the world. Such as that weighing nearly 65 kilos meant she didn’t necessarily need to be terrified of things like shadows and doorways. Nevertheless, throughout her life she somehow managed to skirt through challenges completely unscathed, utterly oblivious to her shortcomings. In an effort to immortalize her spirit, the VMH and I have taken to referring to situations where we succeed despite our breathtaking incompetence as being “All Beene”. For example, on the occasion that I skied over a cliff I had failed to notice, subsequently rode my tails through a stand of pine trees at unprecedented speed, and emerged the other end without so much as a hair out of place – that was All Beene.

You might say that Velominati itself is All Beene. We Keepers didn’t intend to become the stewards of class, style, and etiquette on the bike; we just mainlined the Word of the Prophet and the Apostles and jotted it all down. The rest just happened because of the Community who caught on to the fun we were having and joined in. Same goes for our writing; we’re just passionate about this stuff; we obsess about it all the time and want to share our love for the sport with others in the hopes they might identify or – better yet – catch the bug themselves. All the while, the truth is that we have no idea what we’re doing. English isn’t even my first language, for Merckx’s sake.

But the journey continues. The Rules: The Way of the Cycling Disciple was originally released in the Commonwealth on June 20, and surprised us with how well it was received despite various mistakes and errors throughout. In fact, it did well enough that some bright spark got the idea to release the book in our home US market as well, and we subsequently duped WW Norton into bearing that cross.

The Rules will be officially released in the United States on May 5th, 2014. We’ve put quite a lot of work into the US Edition with the following results:

  1. Greg LeMond, the only American Tour de France winner, graciously wrote the Foreword.
  2. We added four new Rules and supporting content, bringing the tally to 95.
  3. We revised some sections like the Prologue because we do what we want.
  4. We stayed sober during the editing process.
  5. We actually proofread it this time (also sober), so we are reasonably sure we got the mistakes out. (Many thanks to the scathing review on Amazon and its comprehensive listing of the errors in the book, it was a great convenience having all that work done for us and neatly catalogued in one place.)

There will also be several book events across the country which is part of the reason we are not doing a Keepers Tour this year due to the time constraints the book tour imposes. Each event will start with a group ride and conclude with a signing at a local bike shop. Events are planned for the Rapha stores in New York City and San Francisco, as well as one in Minneapolis, Boulder, Seattle, and Portland. Details forthcoming as the event schedules are confirmed.

From the bottom of our hearts, we’d like to thank everyone in our Community, those who bought (and didn’t burn) the book in the UK and Commonwealth, and everyone who comes by here every day to read our musings. This is all a lot of work, but it is work we gladly do because of each and every one of you and the fun you bring to what is Velominati.

Tune in during April as we’ll be publishing one new Rule per week in the lead-up to the book’s release. We have also added a landing page for both the US and UK editions of the book including information on where to buy; post insults and corrections on there.

All Beene.

// The Rules // The Works // V-Announcements

  1. @ChrissyOne Genius put-down. I am going to remember that one and use it in meetings.

  2. I don’t often read book reviews, that would require me to read a book review, I got in on the early edition and love it! Warts and all! After all, even though the 5 keepers collectively had a hand in it, it’s us, the viewers , that keep it ticking! Good luck with the US release @frank… Knock em dead

  3. Flitted down to Portland and back this weekend and just saw this. So fucking cool that LeMan wrote the forward! Cred doesn’t get any more credible than that. I’d have pissed myself on hearing the news. Congratulations.

    Again, so sorry for your loss.

  4. Sorry to hear about the passing of your hound, it’s never a good thing to deal with, an it comes round way quicker than you’d want with the big dogs. :(

    As soon as I saw the hyperlink on “do what we want” I was hoping it would be the Cartman clip – I wasn’t disappointed. It does worry me that I’m tuned into the V-wavelength quite so strongly though.

  5. Thanks for the kind words and sentiments about Kirki. All our pets are under contract never to die, and she’s the first one to break that contract; it was harder than I even guessed it would be.

    We bought a Douglas fir in her memory, which we planned to plant this past weekend. It is ironic that perhaps the hardiest fir known was bought in memory of a dog who needed medical attention any time she drank water from a dodgey creek, but the idea was to spread her ashes near our favorite place to hang out in the cascades and plant the fir there.

    We drove out there and were stunned to find the road to be covered in a meter of show and completely impassable.

    That was totally, 100%, None Beene. So we’ll plant the pine in a pot until April and try again. Fuck, we’re stupid sometimes.

    @fenlander

    First post here and firstly condolences to you with your dog,we lost our 14 year old cat last year and we still(and always will) miss her.

    Oh and I bought my copy in the UK in an actual independent book shop.

    Welcome mate, and thanks. Independent bookstores keep getting scarcer but also cooler.

  6. @ChrisO

    @Frank I am confused. There will be one new rule per week in April. and the new total of Rules will be 95. But there are currently 93 Rules. How does that work then ?

    Speaking of rules, I spent all day working on a triathlon yesterday so I have a year’s supply of things which have been seen and cannot be unseen… generally involving skinsuits.

    I regard it as a contribution to the less fortunate members of society.

    Well look at the big brain on @ChrisO; you’re overthinking this, as usual. And fuck I forgot we posted a few of the new ones. Anyway, we’ll give some justification and discussion every week to each one that isn’t in the UK edition starting in April.

  7. @piers.fraser

    Any thoughts about the handy app version of the rules for those quick consultations out on the road? You know, when phone reception is shit but you really need to check that rule that’s playing over and over in your head beating a cadence grinding up a hill.

    Yes, time is in short supply, but absolutely. I have more ideas for Velominati than I can possibly make happen given the limitations in time and technical skills amongst other Keepers, but a mobile app is high on the list.

    @revchuck

    Any plans for doing this in a non-hipster location, AKA fly-over country? Baton Rouge is only 40 kms from the Rouge-Roubaix route…

    Budget remain unrelentingly restrained in these matters; also the last I checked Minneapolis was fly-over territory? At least that is what I was told while I was being raised there.

  8. @harminator

    I check in here daily. It’s the vibe. It’s Mabo. Its everything like that. Its just the vibe.

    Now there’s a quote not many (outside Aus) will get, but I feel ya! Double thumbs up from me.

  9. @Puffy

    @harminator

    I check in here daily. It’s the vibe. It’s Mabo. Its everything like that. Its just the vibe.

    Now there’s a quote not many (outside Aus) will get, but I feel ya! Double thumbs up from me.

    Whats a pair of jousting sticks worth anyway ?

  10. @harminator  Vale Kirki, its always good to see pets mourned and  remembered as one of the family.

    Harminator, where abouts in Oz are you? – and don’t say Bonnie Doon

  11. @Brianold55

    @harminator Vale Kirki, its always good to see pets mourned and remembered as one of the family.

    Harminator, where abouts in Oz are you? – and don’t say Bonnie Doon

    He lives conveniently next to a major airport, got the land real cheap !  Cool eh !

  12. @frank

    Yes, time is in short supply, but absolutely. I have more ideas for Velominati than I can possibly make happen given the limitations in time and technical skills amongst other Keepers, but a mobile app is high on the list.

    If you are implying we are morons, you would be correct. 

  13. @harminator

    In my personal book, you get the badge for best reference to contemporary fiction.

  14. @Barracuda Expect a cumpulsory acquisition order. This must be lost on non-Oz types.

  15. @Brianold55

    @Barracuda Expect a cumpulsory acquisition order. This must be lost on non-Oz types.

    http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0118826/

    Fixed that !

  16. @frank

    @ChrisO

    @Frank I am confused. There will be one new rule per week in April. and the new total of Rules will be 95. But there are currently 93 Rules. How does that work then ?

    Well look at the big brain on @ChrisO; you’re overthinking this, as usual. And fuck I forgot we posted a few of the new ones. Anyway, we’ll give some justification and discussion every week to each one that isn’t in the UK edition starting in April.

    It’s my inner project manager…

    Actually I was thinking it would be cool to have 99 Rules, and if you were going to be at 97 then it was just a short leap.

    Not 100 Rules though – that would be wrong.

  17. @Brianold55

    @harminator where abouts in Oz are you? – and don’t say Bonnie Doon

    at last report he was a living in the outer north-western Sydney suburb of Cairo

  18. @Mikael Liddy Aaah… the serenity!

  19. @asyax

    @Mikael Liddy Aaah… the serenity!

    If there’s one thing I like more than serenity, its a two-stroke motor at full throttle.

    @Brianold55. Cairo it is, Mate. Last week one of these trotted through a small gap in the bunch at an intersection. Barely raised an eyebrow.

  20. The Cairo Cyclists Club is all V. I have only just joined but its obvious that you don’t ride here for the scenery, or the fresh air, or the road quality or the friendly motorists. Its all about the ride.

  21. @frank

    @fenlander

    First post here and firstly condolences to you with your dog,we lost our 14 year old cat last year and we still(and always will) miss her.

    Oh and I bought my copy in the UK in an actual independent book shop.

    Welcome mate, and thanks. Independent bookstores keep getting scarcer but also cooler.

    That’s because nobody in their right minds, let alone a commercially astute chain, would go anywhere the fens. It’s a bleak windy place without hedges to hide behind and populated by web footed inbreds.

    Only a really stupid twat would think that a 100km straightline point to point ride across the fens with the wind somewhere between a head wind and a crosswind would be a good idea after six weeks of no riding and only a complete dickhead would find out, mid route, that his energy bars were in fact protein bars. The Man with the Hammer is no stranger to the fens.

    @fenlander Good to see someone else relatively local to me (near Warboys). We may have to organise a Cogal.

  22. @Harminator

    The Cairo Cyclists Club is all V. I have only just joined but its obvious that you don’t ride here for the scenery, or the fresh air, or the road quality or the friendly motorists. Its all about the ride.

    Errr, what motorists? Those surfaces look pretty sweet too . . .

  23. B+1 for sure. Having imported the first edition from the UK, I will also be the proud owner of the US edition. As cool as it would be to see the book in a book store, I think it would be rad to walk into a bike shop and see a few copies on the counter.

  24. @wiscot Its a fair point you make there @wiscot. Their are some good stretches of road. Usually out of town leading to obscure locations of no significance. The main roads are hairy enough that taking rolling pics is not recommended. Its difficult to explain the contradictions here. The donkey cart may well be followed by a Range Rover. Good roads get trenches across them or makeshift speed bumps or dug up week to week with no backfill or repair. Potholes get swerved around for months with no regard. Last ride we passed a hole from a missing road hatch that had been “repaired” by putting a lounge chair in it. Short cutting roundabouts or driving on the wrong side of the road now and again is considered normal. I stuck to the MTB or rollers for 6 months before trusting that Friday before prayers was inside acceptable limits of risk. It is – just.

    This trench got cut 4 months ago. Apparently the dentist is helping to backfill it.

  25. @Harminator

    @wiscot Its a fair point you make there @wiscot. Their are some good stretches of road. Usually out of town leading to obscure locations of no significance. The main roads are hairy enough that taking rolling pics is not recommended. Its difficult to explain the contradictions here. The donkey cart may well be followed by a Range Rover. Good roads get trenches across them or makeshift speed bumps or dug up week to week with no backfill or repair. Potholes get swerved around for months with no regard. Last ride we passed a hole from a missing road hatch that had been “repaired” by putting a lounge chair in it. Short cutting roundabouts or driving on the wrong side of the road now and again is considered normal. I stuck to the MTB or rollers for 6 months before trusting that Friday before prayers was inside acceptable limits of risk. It is – just.

    This trench got cut 4 months ago. Apparently the dentist is helping to backfill it.

    Wow! And I thought Milwaukee roads were bad! (Hundreds of millions being spent upgrading interchanges while regular roads fall apart and road marking fade into invisibility.) My cousin lives in Alexandria and I hear the traffic (and pollution) is awful.

  26. @Harminator Respect for riding in Cairo traffic. Makes our lot look easy.

    For anyone trying to imagine it… you know how there was a fashion a few years ago for town planners to remove all traffic controls. The theory being that if you tell motorists they have right of way and can drive at 60km/h then they will, but take that away and they are more cautious and make their own judgements.

    The few times I’ve been to Cairo it’s always struck me like that, but in a city of 8 million people not some little Dutch village. It’s anarchy but not chaos and somehow it seems to work. Nobody follows any

  27. Condolences on the loss of your family member Frank. I recently moved from my then new family’s first home where our first dog is buried. Not seeing that small stone monument in the back yard has left an empty place inside. My VMH bought  a copy of the UK edition, looking forward to the latest US edition. I’ll keep an eye out for the NYC signing. I’ll have to get my V kit order in.

  28. @Harminator

    @wiscot Its a fair point you make there @wiscot. Their are some good stretches of road. Usually out of town leading to obscure locations of no significance. The main roads are hairy enough that taking rolling pics is not recommended. Its difficult to explain the contradictions here. The donkey cart may well be followed by a Range Rover. Good roads get trenches across them or makeshift speed bumps or dug up week to week with no backfill or repair. Potholes get swerved around for months with no regard. Last ride we passed a hole from a missing road hatch that had been “repaired” by putting a lounge chair in it. Short cutting roundabouts or driving on the wrong side of the road now and again is considered normal. I stuck to the MTB or rollers for 6 months before trusting that Friday before prayers was inside acceptable limits of risk. It is – just.

     

    This trench got cut 4 months ago. Apparently the dentist is helping to backfill it.

    That picture is oddly disturbing in a way that I can’t fully explain.

    Anyway, @Keepers, I’m looking forward to purchasing the sacred tome for the benefit of our household.  I knew I laid off procuring the UK version for a reason (it certainly was NOT because I’m a lazy fuck.  Nope.  Not me).

  29. NA Bike Show report from Charlotte, NC on Saturday.

    A very fun day, a nice mix of folks, from cyclists to people who just seemed to drop in. Pretty cool to be able to talk to a guy making five bikes a year in his basement as well as…Gianni Casati’s son. They were excited to know I owned a Casati Laser, nice to speak with, and even offered to mail me some rubber ferrules I saw on one of their display bikes. They also had two bikes lost/missing on the flight from Milan. Ouch.

    Very cool to turn around and say, “Oh, there’s Tom Ritchey.” Then a few minutes later, “Hey, there’s Craig Calfee.” Also saw Chris King, Dario P., some other great builders, and I’m sure some I didn’t even recognize.

    Pegoretti had, let’s see, the coolest booth, the coolest paint jobs, the best shirt (he was in a tie-dyed t-shirt that looked homemade) and every time we meandered by he was posing for photos. He was one of the very few builders to have just frames on display. Saw a guy buy one, then get a photo with Dario.

    This was my second one. A fun day. Incredible how even for a cycling enthusiast, those dudes are coming up with new innovations, new frame designs, new ideas all the time.

    The only shortcoming, for me, was that I left and realized I didn’t see very many raceable cross bikes. Lots of crazy frames, lots of discs, but I really don’t recall seeing enough bikes that I’d have raced – most were so nice I’d never want to risk crashing them. I know it is a showcase for builders and their skills, but it would have been nice to see more race-ready cross bikes.

    Also, I think fi'zi:k saddles were on 95% of the bikes, with the new Brooks saddle (which looks just like a Regal) on the other 5%. It was pretty crazy how many builders went with them.

    One of the coolest bikes I saw was called the “Old Potato.” It was a Ti road bike with an 80th anniversary Campa gruppo, low profile Campa wheels, and an old Flite saddle. A simple looking, but very classy build. I think it was a Moots.

  30. Also spoke with this fella. He’s an electrical engineer with a full-time job who decided to start making bicycles…in his basement. Some really nice work for a guy who is pretty new to it:

    http://lundbeckcycles.com/

    And this company was founded by a former Czech roadie. Some pretty impressive bikes in a few different disciplines and some nice paint jobs too.

    http://festka.com/en/

  31. @frank

    Sorry for the loss of your beloved pet – never easy. But I’m sure you gave her a great life and home. Our cats are also under a strict contact not to die…and just think: I used to be a dog person. Again, sorry.

  32. Condolences on your loss Frank.  I echo @Ped’s comment above.  Though not a veterinarian (though I am a son of one), there was a lot of that kind of loss when I worked for my dad.  There is no easy transition to losing a family member, regardless of species.  The memories remain and therein lies the real value in their lives and your relationship to them.  You are not the same person you would otherwise have been without them, instead, you are undoubtedly better.

    Regarding the new book, I must say it will be b+1 for me (I’ll probably try to head south of the 49th next time I head that way).  Congrats on getting a foreword by LeMan.  Super cool.

    I have to wonder though, having not really paid attention enough to the Commonwealth version.  Does the current version use ‘u’s in proper places such as colour and honour, etc?  And does the US version follow their convention by dropping the ‘u’?

  33. @Harminator

    @wiscot Its a fair point you make there @wiscot. Their are some good stretches of road. Usually out of town leading to obscure locations of no significance. The main roads are hairy enough that taking rolling pics is not recommended. Its difficult to explain the contradictions here. The donkey cart may well be followed by a Range Rover. Good roads get trenches across them or makeshift speed bumps or dug up week to week with no backfill or repair. Potholes get swerved around for months with no regard. Last ride we passed a hole from a missing road hatch that had been “repaired” by putting a lounge chair in it. Short cutting roundabouts or driving on the wrong side of the road now and again is considered normal. I stuck to the MTB or rollers for 6 months before trusting that Friday before prayers was inside acceptable limits of risk. It is – just.

    This trench got cut 4 months ago. Apparently the dentist is helping to backfill it.

    Wow, looks like India. Amazing. India’s traffic amazed me; the cars driving just every which way, no concept of lanes – even the direction of traffic was a just loosely-observed concept.

    And crossing the street…its not that the cars try to hit you. Its just that they don’t try that hard to avoid you. Just keep a steady pace and they’ll navigate around you.

    I love India; I miss going there.

  34. @TheVid

    Condolences on your loss Frank. I echo @Ped’s comment above. Though not a veterinarian (though I am a son of one), there was a lot of that kind of loss when I worked for my dad. There is no easy transition to losing a family member, regardless of species. The memories remain and therein lies the real value in their lives and your relationship to them. You are not the same person you would otherwise have been without them, instead, you are undoubtedly better.

    Well said. Or, as the t-shirt says, I hope to be the person my dog believes I am.

    I have to wonder though, having not really paid attention enough to the Commonwealth version. Does the current version use ‘u’s in proper places such as colour and honour, etc? And does the US version follow their convention by dropping the ‘u’?

    Yup, the Commonwealth Ed uses proper English spelling like tyre and colour; the US Ed uses the ‘murcan (correct) spelling of such things. It involves little more than a search-replace when you get down to it, which is how I believe the copy editors handle it.

  35. Published on 5/5. Ace!

  36. @frank

    @fenlander

    First post here and firstly condolences to you with your dog,we lost our 14 year old cat last year and we still(and always will) miss her.

    Welcome mate, and thanks. Independent bookstores keep getting scarcer but also cooler.

    Thanks for the welcome.

    This shop is doing really well(it has another branch in Bath) and has regular events with some well known authors,writers etc at local venues (including the Cathedral here).I just popped in for a look and they had it in stock.

  37. @Chris

    @frank

    @fenlander

    First post here and firstly condolences to you with your dog,we lost our 14 year old cat last year and we still(and always will) miss her.

    Oh and I bought my copy in the UK in an actual independent book shop.

    Welcome mate, and thanks. Independent bookstores keep getting scarcer but also cooler.

    That’s because nobody in their right minds, let alone a commercially astute chain, would go anywhere the fens. It’s a bleak windy place without hedges to hide behind and populated by web footed inbreds.

    Only a really stupid twat would think that a 100km straightline point to point ride across the fens with the wind somewhere between a head wind and a crosswind would be a good idea after six weeks of no riding and only a complete dickhead would find out, mid route, that his energy bars were in fact protein bars. The Man with the Hammer is no stranger to the fens.

    @fenlander Good to see someone else relatively local to me (near Warboys). We may have to organise a Cogal.

    Hey nothing wrong with the fens!Certainly gives plenty of instances of Rule #5 to come in to effect.

    I’d take you up on a cogal but I think you’d be on your own for most of the ride as I’ve only been back to this since last year so you’d probably drop me like a sprinter on a climb.

  38. @fenlander

    @Chris

    I’d take you up on a cogal but I think you’d be on your own for most of the ride as I’ve only been back to this since last year so you’d probably drop me like a sprinter on a climb.

    I just don’t know where to even start with that one… whose bubble should be the first to pop ?

  39. @ChrisO Are you suggesting that I’m not capable of dropping someone without even having any idea of the strength of their guns or their ability to dish out the V?

    Thanks.

  40. @fenlander For @ChrisO it starts and ends at going very quickly. The more enlightened amongst us have come to understand that whilst speed is important, sacrificing style to achieve it is, for the Velominati, a Faustian Pact.

    One day I will be fast, but I won’t resort to wearing my granny’s tights to do it. In the meantime, you don’t have to worry about being dropped by me.

  41. @Chris

    @fenlander For @ChrisO it starts and ends at going very quickly. The more enlightened amongst us have come to understand that whilst speed is important, sacrificing style to achieve it is, for the Velominati, a Faustian Pact.

    One day I will be fast, but I won’t resort to wearing my granny’s tights to do it. In the meantime, you don’t have to worry about being dropped by me.

    Ha Ha – What timing! Classic off the bike example that should be moved over to The Dig article just posted.

  42. @Chris

    @ChrisO Are you suggesting that I’m not capable of dropping someone without even having any idea of the strength of their guns or their ability to dish out The V?

    Thanks.

    He can think you’re Alberto Contador and you can think he’s Mario Cipollini.

    It’s like online dating. I hope you both keep the romance alive.

  43. @ChrisO

    @Chris

    @ChrisO Are you suggesting that I’m not capable of dropping someone without even having any idea of the strength of their guns or their ability to dish out The V?

    Thanks.

    He can think you’re Alberto Contador and you can think he’s Mario Cipollini.

    It’s like online dating. I hope you both keep the romance alive.

    Should you move this thread over to The Dig article?

  44. @Teocalli

    @ChrisO

    @Chris

    @ChrisO Are you suggesting that I’m not capable of dropping someone without even having any idea of the strength of their guns or their ability to dish out The V?

    Thanks.

    He can think you’re Alberto Contador and you can think he’s Mario Cipollini.

    It’s like online dating. I hope you both keep the romance alive.

    Should you move this thread over to The Dig article?

    Good call… at least of all the Keepers Brett should understand the gentle art of sledging.

  45. First time poster, long time browser of the site.  I too will purchase the US version of The Rules having bought the UK version last summer.   It will be a birthday present to myself being born on May 5 or V V.

  46. @Kevin

    First time poster, long time browser of the site. I too will purchase the US version of The Rules having bought the UK version last summer. It will be a birthday present to myself being born on May 5 or V V.

    First one to recognize the significance of the release date. Plus One badge to you, mate!

  47. @frank

    @Kevin

    First time poster, long time browser of the site. I too will purchase the US version of The Rules having bought the UK version last summer. It will be a birthday present to myself being born on May 5 or V V.

    First one to recognize the significance of the release date. Plus One badge to you, mate!

    5/2/14 would have been appropriate as well.  Nice one.

  48. @G’rilla

    Published on 5/5. Ace!

    @frank

    @Kevin

    First time poster, long time browser of the site. I too will purchase the US version of The Rules having bought the UK version last summer. It will be a birthday present to myself being born on May 5 or VV.

    First one to recognize the significance of the release date. Plus One badge to you, mate!

    My attention to detail is usually pretty good, but not when it comes to actually reading things. Or writing.

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