Heeeere's Danny!

Heeeere's Danny!

The Shaving

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  1. Rule #50 //
    Facial hair is to be carefully regulated.

    No full beards, no moustaches. Goatees are permitted only if your name starts with "Marco" and ends with "Pantani", or if your head is intentionally or unintentionally bald. One may never shave on the morning of an important race, as it saps your virility, and you need that to kick ass.

Back when this Rule was coined, it seemed to have little meaning or relevance at all to Cycling. The only beard we’d ever witnessed on a Cyclist was that of the nasty Russian guy in American Flyers, and we all knew he, like Kevin Costner’s acting ability, didn’t actually exist.

Then along came Pantani, plus a slew of mountain bikers in the early 90s sporting goatees and variations of pointy sideburns, not the cool kind like the true stylemeisters De Vlaeminck and The Prophet wore. The goatee quickly became a partody of itself, especially when paired with dyed flouro-coloured hair, or worse, dyed as well as the hair. Sadly, I was guilty on all counts, culminating in an embarrassing situation when my best friend’s father died a couple of days after I turned my head a retina-scorching shade of Slazenger Yellow. It made for some welcome lightening of the mood at the funeral and wake though. It’s how he would’ve wanted it, so his widow told me, without a hint of irony or sarcasm. When Il Pirata did it on the Champs Elysees a few years later, I felt somewhat vindicated for my funeral faux pas. The crux of it though was both The Pirate and I looked ridiculous, even if we felt like rebels, but it did predicate the Pantani Clause in Rule #51.

That’s the whole trouble with the beard epidemic of the last year or so. When one person does something that goes against the grain of society, they’re a rebel by default. If the whole of the population, or close to it, is doing it, then it’s just a flock of sheep situation. And you know who stands out then? The sheep who’s been shorn. Maybe he’s covered in bloody cuts and nicks and has a few dags hanging off his arse, but he’s still the one that everyone is looking at. When Luca Paolini showed up with the makings of a full ginger bushranger face a couple of seasons ago, he garnered attention because it was individualistic. “The guy with the beard” stood out like dog’s balls. Then one or two others started sprouting some stubble here, a moustache there. It worked a treat for my mate Alex when he turned up at the World Cup cyclocross races in 2012 with his full handlebar upper lip warmer, because he stood out. Now there’re other imitators playing the same card with not as much success, because it’s been done. Originality is key.

I say it’s time for the beard to be banished from the peloton, and the bunches of the world. It’s time we took the razor to our faces as well as our legs; another mate Josh has even gone the extra step and has started using a cutthroat blade. If hipsters have taught us one thing, it’s that anything cool will soon be tarnished, besmirched and ruined by their appropriation of it. They did it to the Cycling Cap, and we’re only just reclaiming its rightful position as For Cycling Only. The beard, well we can let them have it, because it is soiling good reputations of fit men with smooth guns, smooth faces and smooth pates that are a hallmark of our sport. Shit, when even Tommeke has more hair on his chin than on his head, things have gone too far.

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// Rantings from the V-Bunker // Riding Ugly // The Rules

  1. @wiscot

    Boonen is trimming close to the head because he is seriously thinning.

    I wonder…, …, … if he gets a proper haircut for the helmet fit and to maintain his slim constitution. I go for a bi-weekly cut and is now referred by my stylist as the race cut. And there’s usually no helmet hair effect. And less so if you wear a cycling cap under the helmet! [ Voila !! ]

  2. @unversio

    Stylist??????? Whatever happened to the “short back and sides” down at the local Barber?

  3. @Teocalli

    She does use a clipper in 5 minutes, but she calls herself a stylist. Been going to her for 16 years now. We have developed the micro-sides together.

  4. @Chris

    I’m getting a real mixed message from the Keepers on this. On the one hand, @brett reminds us that Rule #50 is explicit in it’s condemnation of facial hair and on the other, there’s a Keeper wandering around looking like this:

    WTF, I’m confused and disturbed.

    I know it’s a bit chilly in Markoland but surely a Keeper should at least adhere to the Masturbation Principle?

    I would have thought the lack of beard would 1) prevent chinsicles and nosesicles forming and 2) confirm your adherence to Rule #5 & #9.

  5. @Nate

    not quite, it was his countryman – http://www.velominati.com/the-rules/tour-de-france-rule-5-award-johnny-hoogerland/

    That being said, I believe Larry has had his surname re-written thusly: VV Dam

  6. I’m sick of the beard in general let alone for a cyclist. Spech “Win Tunnel” findingd be damned WTF would you spend countless hours/$$$$$ looking fantasic, buying slippery kit & bikes, training for that little bit extra speed and then hang a great mop in the air?! You are right… I am now considered revolutionary around these parts because I don’t have a beard! Same with Tatoo’s… it’s cooler not to have them now since all the sheeple have gone and inked.

  7. @brypeter

    This is too funny. EVERY man should grow a beard at least once in their lifetime! We’re MEN before cyclists (for those of us who are men). For me, I grow a beard from September through March, and then go clean for spring and summer. Both looks and styles are great! Bon velo!

    Well that depends on when you started cycling doesn’t it? I for one was a mere boy when I became a cyclist and dedicated to the sport. It wasn’t for something like 1 1/2 decades after that I “became a man” and growing a beard was an option.

  8. I haven’t visited V for a long, long time, but a link to this popped up in a feed somewhere.

    What a timely reminder of how fucking ridiculous trying to regulate how people do what they enjoy, and how so many people seem so spineless they need something just to know they’re conforming.

  9. @Puffy

    @Chris

    I’m getting a real mixed message from the Keepers on this. On the one hand, @brett reminds us that Rule #50 is explicit in it’s condemnation of facial hair and on the other, there’s a Keeper wandering around looking like this:

    WTF, I’m confused and disturbed.

    I know it’s a bit chilly in Markoland but surely a Keeper should at least adhere to the Masturbation Principle?

    I would have thought the lack of beard would 1) prevent chinsicles and nosesicles forming and 2) confirm your adherence to Rule #5 & #9.

    RE: mixed messages: without being too explicit and trampling all over the joke, please remember that one best laughs when laughing at oneself, and oftimes tongues are firmly in-cheek.

  10. @Paul

    [ Perry Mason voice ] “Let the record show that the witness (Paul) testimony has been recorded.”

  11. @Paul

    Quit trying to regulate our enjoyment of rules.

  12. @Paul

  13. @markb

    @ChrisO

    Any Wifely ridicule is deserved. How’s the recuperation going?

    Good thanks.

    It’s quite challenging – compared to ‘normal” it’s an extremely slow and literally painful process.

    But compared to where I started from it’s going like a Saeco lead out train.

    For example the physio last Thursday gave me a set of exercises including some straight leg lifts lying on the floor.

    On Friday I tried but couldn’t do them.

    Saturday – maximum concentration and effort, leaving me exhausted.

    Sunday – slowly but it was still hard.

    Monday – no problem.

    So from that point of view (and that two weeks ago I couldn’t get out of bed without help) it’s rapid progress and the physio was very impressed when I went back yesterday.

    But from the point of view that they’re only leg raises it is frustrating and slow.

    I’m just walking with one crutch now to encourage a more normal action, not the hopping motion of the double crutch. My aim is to be able to get around the house without it by the end of the week.

    Maybe get the bike on the trainer the following week. The problem there is just the range of movement – I can’t get less than about 120 degree angle of thigh to body so I’m just trying to work on loosening that up as much as possible. It’s still too painful to use a foam roller down the outside of the thigh but I’m stretching and working everywhere I can.

  14. I’ve been tempted to get rid of my year-old beard because coincidentally they seem to have become ‘cool’. However, I can see diminishing returns on the hair I try to grow on my head so keeping an extra bit on my chin seems a good idea.

    Also, and surprisingly, Mrs Sandy talked me out of going back to smooth chin-ness.

  15. @ChrisO

    good progress. No comparision really, but after my first crash I found it very hard to bend my knee to 90 degrees, but once on the turbo trainer it wasn’t too bad. Maybe give it a quick whirl with someone on hand to help you on/off?

    I hope you will remember to shave all the correct places first though, don’t want to break any rules, do you?

  16. @markb

    @ChrisO

    I hope you will remember to shave all the correct places first though, don’t want to break any rules, do you?

    Ah yes, Rule #33 has weighed heavily on my mind.

    Is there an obligation for a Velominati to shave while undergoing a lengthy non-cycling recovery.

    My instinct tells me the answer should be yes.

    However my head and other parts tell me that while recovering from a hip fracture, balancing on one leg in the shower while contorting painfully to reach my lower calf is probably getting into Darwin Award territory.

  17. “That Vuelta a España was the only time in my career that another rider made me lose the will to race my bike. I’m talking about Frank Vandenbroucke,” Miceli says, for the avoidance of any ambiguity. “He’d be coming back to the hotel in the small hours, with a girl, possibly drunk, and then going and killing us all on the road the next day. You know, you train hard, you go a month without sex before a grand tour – because you tell yourself that’s what it takes – then you see that. It makes you think, ‘What am I even doing here?'”

    It was the beard that powered 90’s cycling

  18. @wiscot

    @Oli

    @Ron

    Here here! I’m so fucking tired of seeing hobo beards on professional athletes. It’s a disgrace. And yes, nothing worse than something thinking they’re original but just being a fucking bored sheep.

    I’ve been seeing lots of fat guys with carefully groomed beards. Is being fat now hip? I’ve even seen a lot of fat guys jogging, which really confuses the shit out of me.

    Don’t let the PRO peloton become the NBA or MLB. And, I did notice the Boonen enters 2015 with an increasingly bald head.

    On behalf of fat people everywhere I denounce this whole post.

    Oli, I doubt you’re of the “fat” variety being discussed here. For a lot of “fat” guys, the beard is an unconvincing way to hide double and triple chins.

    I blimmin’ well AM that variety – my double chin has a double chin! I can’t grow a beard to save my life, however. I just don’t like to see Ron (or anybody) being so judgemental about people’s weight, even though I’m well aware cycling is a weightist sport.

    We all have our road to ride and no one is perfect, but at the end of the day no matter how big they are they are out there cycling or jogging and doing their best to not be fat – I think that makes them worthy of some respect.

    But then I would say that, I’m a big fatty.

  19. @ChrisO

    But compared to where I started from it’s going like a Saeco lead out train.

    Doped to the gills?

    Glad to hear you’re doing better. As the son to a family of doctors, I’ve heard it said many times that athletes make the best patients. They start out with more muscles, so atrophy hits them less severely. They have high pain thresholds, and they’re willing to work hard to recover.

    As for Rule #33 adherence, I don’t think there’s a requirement to shave, but I’ve found that it made forced periods off the bike a little easier to bear. Reminds us that although the tan lines are fading and the muscle definition disappears, we’re still cyclists.

  20. @tessar

    @ChrisO

    But compared to where I started from it’s going like a Saeco lead out train.

    Doped to the gills?

    Glad to hear you’re doing better. As the son to a family of doctors, I’ve heard it said many times that athletes make the best patients. They start out with more muscles, so atrophy hits them less severely. They have high pain thresholds, and they’re willing to work hard to recover.

    As for Rule #33 adherence, I don’t think there’s a requirement to shave, but I’ve found that it made forced periods off the bike a little easier to bear. Reminds us that although the tan lines are fading and the muscle definition disappears, we’re still cyclists.

    Haha, yes Cipo’s squadra may have been on a bit more than paracetamol.

    I think the athlete-patient thing is also because we regard it as training.

    There’s a goal but you know you have to build up and the physiotherapist is like a coach – as soon as you nail what you’ve been given you’re expecting a new and slightly harder set.

  21. @Oli

    @wiscot

    @Oli

    @Ron

    Here here! I’m so fucking tired of seeing hobo beards on professional athletes. It’s a disgrace. And yes, nothing worse than something thinking they’re original but just being a fucking bored sheep.

    I’ve been seeing lots of fat guys with carefully groomed beards. Is being fat now hip? I’ve even seen a lot of fat guys jogging, which really confuses the shit out of me.

    Don’t let the PRO peloton become the NBA or MLB. And, I did notice the Boonen enters 2015 with an increasingly bald head.

    On behalf of fat people everywhere I denounce this whole post.

    Oli, I doubt you’re of the “fat” variety being discussed here. For a lot of “fat” guys, the beard is an unconvincing way to hide double and triple chins.

    I blimmin’ well AM that variety – my double chin has a double chin! I can’t grow a beard to save my life, however. I just don’t like to see Ron (or anybody) being so judgemental about people’s weight, even though I’m well aware cycling is a weightist sport.

    We all have our road to ride and no one is perfect, but at the end of the day no matter how big they are they are out there cycling or jogging and doing their best to not be fat – I think that makes them worthy of some respect.

    But then I would say that, I’m a big fatty.

    At least we are really fast downhill, right? That’s what I tell myself.

    I don’t like seeing anyone mocked for exercising regardless of what they look like. They should be encouraged. I haven’t reached (and never will, damn goalposts seem to be mobile) my fitness goals and neither has the big fella puffin’ along at a slow jog, and the fact that I’ve been working at it longer doesn’t make me better than him. We’re both out there trying to improve ourselves.

  22. @ChrisO

    @tessar

    @ChrisO

    But compared to where I started from it’s going like a Saeco lead out train.

    Doped to the gills?

    Glad to hear you’re doing better. As the son to a family of doctors, I’ve heard it said many times that athletes make the best patients. They start out with more muscles, so atrophy hits them less severely. They have high pain thresholds, and they’re willing to work hard to recover.

    As for Rule #33 adherence, I don’t think there’s a requirement to shave, but I’ve found that it made forced periods off the bike a little easier to bear. Reminds us that although the tan lines are fading and the muscle definition disappears, we’re still cyclists.

    Haha, yes Cipo’s squadra may have been on a bit more than paracetamol.

    I think the athlete-patient thing is also because we regard it as training.

    There’s a goal but you know you have to build up and the physiotherapist is like a coach – as soon as you nail what you’ve been given you’re expecting a new and slightly harder set.

    Glad to hear your recovery is going well! In my experience most physical rehabilitation people are always pleasantly surprised when they get to deal with a determined athlete such as yourself – they spend much of their career helping the elderly or unmotivated.

  23. @ChrisO

    “It was the beard thatpowered 90’s cycling” and EPO…lots ands lots of EPO.

  24. @unversio

    @wiscot

    Boonen is trimming close to the head because he is seriously thinning.

    I wonder…, …, … if he gets a proper haircut for the helmet fit and to maintain his slim constitution. I go for a bi-weekly cut and is now referred by my stylist as the race cut. And there’s usually no helmet hair effect. And less so if you wear a cycling cap under the helmet! [ Voila !! ]

    Bi-weekly? I go in around three times a year and that is always painful. I’ve found a stylist I like (yep, I don’t like barbers after years of horrendous cuts as a kid) but the place has no one at the front desk, no reservation system. I actually gave up on Saturday after being mystery bumped twice when I thought it was my turn and someone showed up and had been there before me. I walked out. Going to let the VMH give it a try this weekend.

    If it fails big time, I’ll be sporting a Boonen-buzz.

  25. ChrisO – Glad to read that you are up and on the mend. Apropos of crashing, though yours was black ice…

    An interesting story for all of us who ride on open roads. In my city three cyclists have been hit and killed in the past few months. One driver admitted he saw the cyclist and still pulled out in front of him. Dead 52 year old who was an experienced roadie. DA refusing to prosecute. Experience female cyclist hit and killed while exiting a bike path and entering the road. She was on the sidewalk, crossing in front of a gas station. How fast do you drive away from the pump?! Third guy hit and killed on a road that SHOULD have a bike lane, as it was repaved recently and since 2006 all newly paved roads MUST have a bike lane. Hit and run, still no one arrested. Heard the husband of the bike path-to-road cyclist speak and he said the cops immediately told him, as his dead wife was put into the ambulance that it must have been here fault.

    Beaudin got a ticket for falling to move over! Insanity. And it was in a “cycling friendly” area. Damnit.

    http://velonews.competitor.com/2015/01/news/road/notes-scrum-thing-love-can-kill_358177

  26. Not mocking fat guys, I was honestly wondering if being big is now in style. I’ve seen a lot of full figured hip dudes out and about, as well as jogging. These are the Lumbersexual type. I’m baffled by their appearance and aggregation, as well as their prevalence on the MUP when I’m commuting to work.

  27. @Paul

    amen! but you can buy stickers and bar tape to prove you’re really cool

  28. @american psycho

    Cinelli right ?? Stickers. Bar tape. Kinda cool, but seems a bit too much though. Very few have any meaning either. Note this: Waiting for your cogal plan once all this peskiness is out of your system.

  29. Paul and the American Psychos are encouraged to share their path with all of us once they choose a path — and are then on the path.

  30. @ChrisO

    Good to know, hopefully the turbo will help you use your left leg to work flexibility back into the right. Continued best wishes.

  31. @antihero

    @Puffy

    @Chris

    I’m getting a real mixed message from the Keepers on this. On the one hand, @brett reminds us that Rule #50 is explicit in it’s condemnation of facial hair and on the other, there’s a Keeper wandering around looking like this:

    WTF, I’m confused and disturbed.

    I know it’s a bit chilly in Markoland but surely a Keeper should at least adhere to the Masturbation Principle?

    I would have thought the lack of beard would 1) prevent chinsicles and nosesicles forming and 2) confirm your adherence to Rule #5 & #9.

    RE: mixed messages: without being too explicit and trampling all over the joke, please remember that one best laughs when laughing at oneself, and oftimes tongues are firmly in-cheek.

    You’ve got me there, I’m just jealous because I can’t grow a beard worth shit but ease off on the fun police thing, @Paul and @american psycho have that covered.

  32. @ChrisO

    Glad to hear it’s going well. I think your right about athletes seeing it as training. There’s more incentive from the higher goal of getting back to the sport than there is for someone merely wanting to get better.

    How long is going to be before you get back to Dubai and work?

  33. @Ron

    Not mocking fat guys, I was honestly wondering if being big is now in style. I’ve seen a lot of full figured hip dudes out and about, as well as jogging. These are the Lumbersexual type. I’m baffled by their appearance and aggregation, as well as their prevalence on the MUP when I’m commuting to work.

    Bigs in style? Awesome. Maybe I will finally ‘fit’ in! Lumbersexual might not be my thing though…

  34. @unversio

    uh oh! Has all that time living in paradise finally turned @Gianni off the path?

  35. My motto is ‘shave legs not faces’. I have also been known to grow my ‘race beard’ longer for particularly long or hard races. I also have over 200 pink tiny dinosaur heads all over my team kit and legs that a super model would be jealous of.

    It seems that confusing competitors into second place can be achieved.

  36. I have had a beard for a few years now, since before I discovered the Joys of the Bike. I keep it a) because I both work and socialise in the ‘indie’ scene (I am not a hipster; I’m just not cool enough), and b) because it stops me looking ten years younger than I am. Some of the older Velominati may ask “why would you pass up an opportunity to look ten years younger?!” but at the age of 24, with a degree, a wife, and a career (not to mention a Stable to fund the filling of), the beard stays. I feel I should clarify, by ‘beard’ I mean ‘facial hear between 5 and 7mm in length’. Not this Paolini nonsense; I tried it longer, it just got annoying.

    However, in line with my compulsive nature, which compel me to adhere to The Rules, I have taken it upon myself to shave it off periodically to see if I look roughly my actual age, and not pre-pubescent. The most recent Shaving has lasted a while due to several job interviews (I daren’t turn up with 3-day stubble), but I’m currently undecided. I’m rocking some Merckxian sideburns though, and that’s amusing me.

    Shit, I meant this to be a twopenny sort of post…I’ve kind of waffled out a good guinea or so…

  37. I’m shocked and appalled that thread this has become a love-in for beard apologists.

    You leave me no choice. I’m not having sex with any of you until you shave those disgusting things off.

  38. @Mikael Liddy

    @unversio

    uh oh! Has all that time living in paradise finally turned @Gianni off the path?

    I hear he now ends every sentence with “in accordance with the prophecy”.

  39. @Harminator

    You leave me no choice. I’m not having sex with any of you until you shave those disgusting things off.

    *Rushes off to shave immediately…*

  40. *tries desperately to grow a beard…*

  41. beards for sale:

  42. @markb

    beards for sale:

    I look like the one on the far right.

  43. @ChrisO

    @markb

    @ChrisO

    I hope you will remember to shave all the correct places first though, don’t want to break any rules, do you?

    Ah yes, Rule #33 has weighed heavily on my mind.

    Is there an obligation for a Velominati to shave while undergoing a lengthy non-cycling recovery.

    My instinct tells me the answer should be yes.

    However my head and other parts tell me that while recovering from a hip fracture, balancing on one leg in the shower while contorting painfully to reach my lower calf is probably getting into Darwin Award territory.

    I think that you should get a bye on Rule #33 for major trauma.

  44. @antihero


    I think that you should get a bye on Rule #33 for major trauma.

    I trump your bye with Rule #5.

  45. I hope no one has shown the poor judgement to post this video as part of this discussion.

  46. @frank

    Restraint.

  47. wow.. I have yet to see an article on a rule so devided in responses. Then again I have not been a velominati for long.

  48. Per the request of @VeloVita, a reprise of sorts from a post on this thread (with some editing for context). I’ve been blessed with the desire to generally go in the opposite direction of my age group, but style is one of those things where I like what I like and I indulge it to assuage various insecurities picked up as a result of going in the opposite direction of my age group. Also, the hair on my head is far more enthusiastic about leaving than I’d really prefer it to be. I might still have a few years left, and I’ve been blessed with a good jawline, but when it’s gone, a year-round beard may arrive to provide a bit of definition. Anyway…

    The juxtaposition of waxing nostalgic there vs. the hipster bashing in this thread is amusing to me – especially all the Moleskine love over there. I’m a center-stager here (28) (read the other article and it’ll make sense) and I think much of my generation (the core segment of aforementioned hipsters) wrestles with essentially growing up half-digital, as opposed to (damn) kids these days who are digital native and the (old) people who are older than us who have adopted and adapted to digital living.

    A big part of ‘hipsterism’ is nostalgia/minimalism: farm-to-table, vinyl, Moleskines. When I don’t have a (well-kept) seasonal beard, I shave using a brush and razor (4-blades. No safety razor for me) because it simply does a better job. Same thing with quality of sound from vinyl. But it’s also this kind of shit that people hate hipsters for. With a beard, I well fit in to that Lumbersexual category. I own a lot of plaid (I’ve always loved it), wear skinny jeans (but with my guns, all jeans are skinny…yeah…) and even have some nice boots that I wear often. I also love the shit out of my iPhone. It makes my life easier. And I haven’t written in cursive in years.

    As for the younger generation. A lot of that is training/upbringing. I was taught to take my hat off when coming inside (any building. Restaurant, house, mall, whatever). When I have kids, they’ll be taught the same thing. Pay attention to the people your with, not those elsewhere. It’s just fucking manners and it can still be taught.

  49. Bretto, in the nicest possible way, get fucked. My beard has taken three generations of male pattern baldness and its staying.

    Additionally, you’re not the poster boy for being clean shaven. There is a very high degree of hypocrisy here.

  50. Advantage of being female, this is not a rule we have to worry about. Sucks to be a guy, doesn’t it?

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