Inanimate Objects
I have a love-hate relationship with inanimate objects. I appreciate them for their utility, but I genuinely have no patience for their insubordination. Take, for…
Velominati Super Prestige
Browse the VSP archives →
Browse the VSP archives →
Non-Grimpeur’s Revenge
It’s a little late to be writing about the road races in Rio…but gawd damn, they were both so good that I can’t help it.…
On Rule #42: Running is Balls, Even for the Maillot Jaune
Alright people, we heard you. Chris Froome ran. But he was going to lose the Tour de France. I’ve got news for you: Cyclocrossers run,…
Of Mother or Limb: First Week Wrap-Up
As I sit here watching the Tour de France while resting comfortably in my armchair, I find myself ruminating on the risks of the modern professional Cyclist. Even…
Festum Prophetae: Waiting for the Hour
Everyone has a plan until they get punched in the mouth. – Mike Tyson The one thing everyone should always plan for is that however…
Anatomy Of A Photo: The Battle Of The 13th Bunker
Sylvester wasn’t happy with his second shot at the 13th. “I say, I’ve blimmin well hooked that one tewwibly to the left, old chap.” “Oh…
Velominati’s Sock Height Calculator: Refining the Goldilocks Principle
Firstly, all you kids, kindly get off my lawn. Especially you kids who wear too tall black socks with white cycling shoes. Get off my…
Goldilocks Principle: The Golden Ratio
There is a disturbance in the V. I have felt it for some time, and I suspect many of you have as well. The matter…
Fendangelism
Mudguards (fenders) and saddlebags are two subjects that are sure to get our collective ire up as Cyclists. When I wrote in one of my columns for…
Motorhead
Motherfucker. I honestly don’t like swearing in an Article, much less using such a word to open an article, but seriously. Motherfucker. A motor discovered in an…
To Bidon Or Not To Bidon
This is serious, people. I hope you’re sitting down. Really. Sit down. Not a half sit. A real sit. Both cheeks. If you’re reading this…
Single Gun Theory
Kids are assholes. Kids are also sensitive and vulnerable, and the two extremes are usually not found together in the one vessel. When you’re a…
Freedom
Modern society is pretty much fucked. The world is made up of vacuous, self-centered morons brainwashed by the internet and mainstream media, who in turn are…
The Pain of Adolescence
There are three subjects you should not bring up in new company: Politics, Saddle Bags, and Helmets. In my experience, in fact, politics are a…
Just Add X
Belgium has a host of great names, and not just for Cyclists. Riding past a farm equipment outlet or workshop after Keepers Tour 15 had been…
Team USA: Doomed From The Start
The Road Cycling World Championships are on our doorstep. The USA is hosting, which makes me nervous immediately. How can we fuck this up? Ask…
In Memoriam: The Straight Block
Disc brakes and 1x drivetrains. These are the sort of things that belong on mountainbikes, are questionable on cross bikes, and should make an immediate trip…
On Rule #41: Garbage Collectors
Look, people. We’re not making this up; we’re mainlining this shit straight from the rivers of Truth flowing down the slopes of Mount Velomis. They…
Rest Day Swaps
“Like one who after a night of drunken revelry (and VSP picking) hies to his bed, still reeling, but with conscience yet pricking him (Voeckler,…
The First Weak
Three days in, and it’s already been a brutal opening week of the Tour. I’ve never heard of the Tour neutralizing part of the stage…