Guest Article: Cyclops VSP

Guest Article: Cyclops VSP

by / / 158 posts

The Velominati Super Prestige has historically been the work of professional bike races. We focus on the Pro races for a simple reason: we know the races and riders, so Schleculating on where our favorite riders will finish becomes a left-brain/right-brain kind of confused mess that ends with our picks looking more Picasso than they do Rembrandt.

With that, we have our first VSP event for a community member’s race as Cyclops subjects himself to your predictions for where he will finish in Saturday’s race. Assuming you don’t know any of the other racers riding in the Allan Butler Memorial Critierium, we’re focussed on only one rider: Cyclops; enter his name into whichever place in the top five you think he’ll finish. Points are awarded as usual, with 5 for first, 4 for second, 3 for third, 2 for fourth, and 1 for fifth, with a point going to anyone who gets him in the top five but not in the right place.  

As for any other community members who have a race coming up and are willing to add the pressure of meeting the expectations of our community to that you already have of validating your family’s love by meeting their expectations; send us the details about your event and, depending on the timing, we’ll run a VSP for you as well.

Yours in Cycling,

Frank

I guess since I’m the most masochistic (actually I think narcissistic is probably closer to the truth) of the Velominati and enjoy putting myself out there for public berating, Frank thought a Super Prestige with a twist might be in order.  This coming July 9th is our local downtown criterium.  The Allan Butler Memorial Criterium was started after a local racer was struck and killed by a taxi while crossing the street in Las Vegas at the Interbike show a few years ago.

The Cyclops VSP will consist of merely trying to guess what place I will finish in the event.  To help you make a semi-informed guess I’ll give you a little background on me and my racing.

  • I’ll be turning 50 years old in early August.
  • I started road racing two seasons ago.
  • I’m a Cat 5.
  • I was really into BMX racing and won the ’96 Idaho State Championship for 31-35 Year Old Cruiser.
  • Southeast Idaho is not a huge hotbed for road racing but since I began racing I have always placed at least equal to or higher than the previous race*
  • I finished 5th in the last race I entered.
  • Last year I finished 13th in my class in the Allan Butler Crit.
  • I have been told by a lot of people that I am riding much stronger than I was last year.
  • I plan on going off the front right at the beginning of the race.

So there you have it.  Good Luck!

*Not counting a DNF at last year’s Boise Twilight Criterium when my rear wheel was hit from behind and had half its spokes ripped out.

// Guest Article // Velominati Super Prestige

  1. @Cyclops

    Flying the colors!!!

    A. FUCKING. PLUS. FUCKING. ONE.

  2. @frank

    @Cyclops

    is that a fucking bandana on your head?

  3. @mcsqueak
    I think it was taken by Leonard Johnson @ Hotfootphoto. Bad crash.
    so back from vacation and got to ride McKenzie Pass which is currently closed to cars, only open to peds and bikes. 112K with 1525 meters of climbing. Single best ride I’ve ever done. Period. Thing is I broke the rear shifter the day before, and couldn’t fix it, being in the woods and and the 4th of July and all. Set the rear @ 17 and did it on a single speed. In 20+ years of riding, I’ve never broken one even after crashing. Anyone else? It’s a SRAM.

  4. Nice job Cyclops, Btw. Podium is always awesome.

  5. @scaler911

    @mcsqueak
    It’s a SRAM.

    indeed

  6. @RedRanger
    SRAM has been very cool about getting it fixed (replaced), and claim it’s never happened before. You’ve heard of it? My 15ish y/o Dura Ace, on my we weather bike, still works like the day I bought it. And to be quite frank, I abuse the shit out of it.

  7. @scaler911
    never heard of the problem but everything I have read leads me to believe that SRAM products are not the best made but they indeed have awesome service and will bend over backwards to fix your stuff. take that for what it is. I hate to say it around here but I really dig Shimano. The old Dura Ace 9 speed shifters I mounted a couple of weeks ago are the tits(as Frank would say) and the look good to!

  8. @RedRanger
    I kinda feel the same way (tho my old C-record Campa was very bomb). My new plastic bike came outfitted with SRAM, and I liked how it worked when I first got it. Usually I dig utilitarian bikes and drivetrains (I used to take all the manufactures decals off my bikes), and SRAM is that way. But this is the second problem I’ve had with it. Might have to ‘sell and buy’. Probably do it in the winter, when shit’s less bank account draining.

  9. @scaler911
    I had my rear shifter break over the winter. Went to double click to downshift and went, “click, cli-thunk”, a little plastic piece inside had snapped off. Took it to the LBS, they warrantied it, no questions asked. All the pieces inside are supposed to be replaceable, but apparently, SRAM is having trouble keeping up with manufacturing, so the replacement parts aren’t available. As such, they just warranty everything that breaks.

  10. @Marcus

    Umm, yes?

  11. @Jeff in PetroMetro
    Yeah, the dude in the Yellow Princesses said “You’re smiling and I’m at the limit, what’s up with that?” Usually when I’m climbing I put the Ullrich look on but as I’ve told Frank in the past the faster the pace the bigger the smile.

  12. Oh man! I just noticed I’ve been upgraded to a bitchin’ Velominati jersey. Nice. Thonks, Fronk.

  13. @scaler911

    @RedRanger
    SRAM has been very cool about getting it fixed (replaced), and claim it’s never happened before. You’ve heard of it? My 15ish y/o Dura Ace, on my we weather bike, still works like the day I bought it. And to be quite frank, I abuse the shit out of it.

    Not sure about that, but I’ve heard loads of complaints about SRAM bits breaking. Not sure about your specific breakage.

  14. @Cyclops

    @Jeff in PetroMetroYeah, the dude in The Yellow Princesses said “You’re smiling and I’m at the limit, what’s up with that?” Usually when I’m climbing I put the Ullrich look on but as I’ve told Frank in the past the faster the pace the bigger the smile.

    +++eleventy-bazillion
    That has got to be the most discouraging thing you can do to another racer. YOU.ROCK.

  15. @frank

    @Cyclops
    I coulda sworn there was a rule prohibiting bandanas – unless of course your name begins with “il” and finishes with “elephantino

  16. @Marcus

    You’re thinking goatee not bandana…

    Rule #50
    Facial hair is to be carefully regulated.

    No full beards, no moustaches. Goatees are permitted only if your name starts with “Marco” and ends with “Pantani”, or if your head is intentionally or unintentionally bald. One may never shave on the morning of an important race, as it saps your virility, and you need that to kick ass.

    That is why I am clean shaven now.

  17. @Cyclops
    Isn’t that dude your teammate?

  18. Addition to the Lexicon? The verb TO CYCLOPS

    To Cyclops: To smile while laying down the V. (This, of course, confuses and ultimately crushes the will of all the other members of the peloton and leads to a podium finish.)

    Example: Horner cycloped throughout the entire Tour of California.

  19. @Nate

    Kind of, but not really. We just have a cycling club in our town. We’re not a team per se. In fact I’ve only been able to get them to ride as a team in one race. I would like to say that the guy in the Yellow Princesses is the nicest guy you would ever want to meet. He usually hands my ass to me but he’s pretty humble and always has nothing but good things to say about me and my riding. The really cool thing he used to be the county prosecutor and now he’s a district judge. That’ll be my ace in the hole when I get brought up on murder charges for taking care of the sandbagger. He also just got back from doing an Iron Man Triathlon in France. He said that riding in France was awesome.

  20. @Cyclops
    Then i respectfully suggest there should be a new rule. Bandanas are for pirates and biker gangs

  21. @Marcus

    Cyclops’ club is a pirate biker gang. On bicycles.

  22. @Marcus, @Cyclops

    @Cyclops
    Then i respectfully suggest there should be a new rule. Bandanas are for pirates and biker gangs

    I’m inclined to side with @Marcus on this one. Bandanas are cool when you’re climbing like an angel in the alps with an unhelmeted head. If you need to keep something over your skull to keep your bald head from burning, that’s what Merckx invented cycling caps for.

    Not sure if it merrits a Rule, but it very well could. Might also be an addendum to Rule #22.

  23. @frank @Marcus

    It’s not a bandana, it’s a V-Juice recycling accoutrement. It collects all the V that squeezes out of me head when I’m Cyclopsing. Then I ship the squeezin’s to France and they water the flower along the Tour routes with it.

    With Cyclops V-Squeezin’s

    Without

  24. @Cyclops

    @frank @Marcus
    It’s not a bandana, it’s a V-Juice recycling accoutrement.

    Doing your new jersey proud. No curse of the +1 jersey here.

  25. @Jeff in PetroMetro
    I think it would have to be To Horner. Cyclops is looking PRO, but Horner *is* PRO.

  26. @Cyclops

    Those flowers sure are nice, but what happens if you just wring it back out into your mouth?

  27. @scaler911

    @mcsqueak
    I think it was taken by Leonard Johnson @ Hotfootphoto. Bad crash.
    so back from vacation and got to ride McKenzie Pass which is currently closed to cars, only open to peds and bikes. 112K with 1525 meters of climbing. Single best ride I’ve ever done. Period. Thing is I broke the rear shifter the day before, and couldn’t fix it, being in the woods and and the 4th of July and all. Set the rear @ 17 and did it on a single speed. In 20+ years of riding, I’ve never broken one even after crashing. Anyone else? It’s a SRAM.

    Hah, thanks for the photog’s name. Yeah there were some bad ones at that crit, for sure.

    Why is McKenzie pass closed to cars right now? Do they do that every year?

  28. @Collin
    To Horner: To suffer a debilitating concussion, then ride the final 25 kilometers of a stage in the Tour de France without the slightest awareness of what you are doing or where you are.

  29. @Jeff in PetroMetro

    Addition to the Lexicon? The verb TO CYCLOPS
    To Cyclops: To smile while laying down The V. (This, of course, confuses and ultimately crushes the will of all the other members of the peloton and leads to a podium finish.)
    Example: Horner cycloped throughout the entire Tour of California.

    hehe fun with tenses:
    Cyclopsed: the greater demoralisation that occurs asCyclops spins away from you grinning,
    Cyclobbered – being lapped in a crip by the cyclopsee.

  30. Oops I meant Cyclopser

  31. @mcsqueak
    Only in the middle of winter actually. This year tho (as evidenced by the shit rain outside right now (it is the middle of July right?)) they had over 20ft of snow (sorry, 6.1m) at the top. By the time ODOT could even get up there, it was ‘spring heavy’ and they could only get one lane through for their use. They kept the gates shut to cars, open to bikes and peds. Absolutely fantastic. They had freshly paved it a couple years ago. Bliss, even with only one gear working.

  32. I had a question: I ran across “Sabotaging the Saboteur’ (frackin’ crazy Frank!!), and someones GOT to point me towards more stuff where I can read comments from adrian? Jezzus, comedy gold right there.

  33. @Cyclops
    @Jeff in PetroMetro

    What about Cyclopphilia (double P intended): when an post about a club race generates over 140 comments!

  34. @Marcus
    Cycloprolixity?

  35. @G’phant
    cycloprofundity – wise words from a Cyclops.
    cycloprofanity – Cyclops’ invective towards Cat 1 Sandbaggers.
    cyclopro bono – when Cyclops spends too long on the front of a breakaway being “all pro and shit”.
    cycloprolapse – the inevitable fall that will occur from Cyclops losing control of his bike after getting fatigued from spending too much time on the front looking “all pro and shit”.
    CycloPro – an impossible oxymoron (yes, that is a tautology)

  36. @Marcus
    Very good.
    Cycloperplexity – the confusion of an Adrian or Ernesto puzzling their way through these posts
    Cycloperspective – the attitude which, if adopted, would alleviate the Adrinesto’s cycloperplexity

  37. Cyclopedia/n – Big brain on a bike.

  38. Cyclopriapity: persistent state of Carbone subsequent to Cyclops victory next year on the LOOK.

  39. @scaler911

    I had a question: I ran across “Sabotaging the Saboteur’ (frackin’ crazy Frank!!), and someones GOT to point me towards more stuff where I can read comments from Adrian? Jezzus, comedy gold right there.

    I think that’s Adrian best and only work, although there might be something in The Rules…if you dare sift through all those posts!

  40. We just had a mention on Eurosport

  41. Cyclogasm – what will happen when I get my first win.

  42. Cycloserverdown: what happens to a private cycling blog when mentioned on a Eurosport world-wide broadcast of the TdF.

  43. @earnest

    Cycloserverdown: what happens to a private cycling blog when mentioned on a Eurosport world-wide broadcast of the TdF.

    Cyclohaze: The combination of sleepiness, excitement, and panic as tweets, sms messages, and emails pour in saying the site’s down but it’s because a couple of your heros just mentioned your site.

  44. Crap. I don’t have speaker on my computer at work, what’d they say?

  45. @mcsqueak

    @Cyclops
    Those flowers sure are nice, but what happens if you just wring it back out into your mouth?

    Is that “recyclopsing”?

  46. Alright bitches. I rode tonight sans bandana. Sweat rolling down the sunglasses and dripping off my nose.

    “Hey, Dr. Joyce Brothers! Flick that sweatball off your nose!” -

    So what’s a boy to do?

  47. @Cyclops
    Cycling cap. it has so many uses.

  48. I’ve just discovered that there has been a good mouse and an evil mouse operating on the site. My mistake from putting in two separate email addresses at various times.
    Good mouse sits at about P58 on the VSP, evil mouse was the lanterne rouge.
    Evil mouse was responsible for the performance enhancing picks in the Cyclops VSP (not true, but it’s a convenient lie)and as such will be banished to obscurity.

  49. @Cyclops

    Alright bitches. I rode tonight sans bandana. Sweat rolling down the sunglasses and dripping off my nose.

    “Hey, Dr. Joyce Brothers! Flick that sweatball off your nose!” -

    So what’s a boy to do?

    Halo headbands and skull caps. They have a nice little silicon strip aboves the eyes that directs the sweat away, works for me.

  50. @scaler911
    Yup its sweet, I rode McKenzie pass with the missus a few weeks ago in the pouring rain, it was her 2nd introduction to Rule #9 in a week, we did Larch Mtn in similar conditions 2 days before. Its a great ride – and WHERE the hell is summer!

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