Categories: Accessories and GearRantings from the V-Bunker

To Bidon Or Not To Bidon

This is a gordon, not a bidon.

This is serious, people. I hope you’re sitting down. Really. Sit down. Not a half sit. A real sit. Both cheeks. If you’re reading this on your phone, put the phone away and wait until you are sitting behind a computer like a civilized person.

Ready? Deep breath.

I have it on the excellent authority of my French friend Anne that that this is what a bidon looks like, not this.

I told you to sit down. My initial reaction was one of defiance and disbelief. I even suggested that I understood Le Langue du Peloton better than she does. In her infinite grace and my infinite obtuseness and ever-increasing volume, she almost conceded this as a possible explanation to this ground-rattling revelation.

There is something seriously fishy going on in this here petri dishy if what we as a collective of Cyclists – even those in France – have referred to as bidons are actually giant plastic jugs that are more commonly strapped to backs of Jeeps and motos than bicycles. Maybe we would take a bidon in the car to the start of a big ride, to fill up what we should probably be calling une gourde. Madness.

Cornered, I sought the advice of my good friend William, who represents one half of both Pavé Cycling Classics and Malteni Beer. He replied with his usual delicacy and the natural charm that I assume made him a good sprinter:

Tell her to fuck off. Was she born in the 50’s? For fuck’s sake. We haven’t called them gourdes since before the war when they were metal and were stopped up with corks. For fuck’s sake.

The only conclusion I can come to is that when the plastic bottle was introduced, some bright spark called it a bidon half as a pisstake and half as a way to distinguish this novelty from the traditional bar-mounted bottle. And we’ve been confusing the non-Cycling French population ever since.

frank

The founder of Velominati and curator of The Rules, Frank was born in the Dutch colonies of Minnesota. His boundless physical talents are carefully canceled out by his equally boundless enthusiasm for drinking. Coffee, beer, wine, if it’s in a container, he will enjoy it, a lot of it. He currently lives in Seattle. He loves riding in the rain and scheduling visits with the Man with the Hammer just to be reminded of the privilege it is to feel completely depleted. He holds down a technology job the description of which no-one really understands and his interests outside of Cycling and drinking are Cycling and drinking. As devoted aesthete, the only thing more important to him than riding a bike well is looking good doing it. Frank is co-author along with the other Keepers of the Cog of the popular book, The Rules, The Way of the Cycling Disciple and also writes a monthly column for the magazine, Cyclist. He is also currently working on the first follow-up to The Rules, tentatively entitled The Hardmen. Email him directly at rouleur@velominati.com.

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View Comments

LawnCzar says:

Jan 19 2016 at 6:38 am

@PeakInTwoYears

Yup -- the word itself has no meaning; it just points to something else.

I love the line that language is a virus, though I prefer the more specific designation that William S. Burroughs applies: "Language is a virus from outer space."
LawnCzar says:

Jan 19 2016 at 6:46 am

I like that "bidon" effectively means, "jerry can." You wage war on the mountains, attack the roads... May as well equip yourself appropriately.

I enjoy joy using terms like bidon, casquette, and gillet, but usually avoid the them unless I know the person I'm speaking with will understand me. If they do, we get to enjoy saying them together. If they don't, I'd just confuse them. Words are better used as markers of affinity than of exclusion in my experience.
scaler911 says:

Jan 19 2016 at 7:03 am

Well, fuck. There goes my Tuesday.
Ccos says:

Jan 19 2016 at 7:12 am

It's ok to say "bidon" and "gillet" but order a "medium" at Starbucks, right?

I thought so.
wiscot says:

Jan 19 2016 at 7:18 am

Arghh. That lead pic makes me feel old. In the late 70s I got a "bike water bottle" contraption for Christmas. Most frames back in those days didn't even have one set of cage bosses, let alone two. The "cage" mounted on the handlebars with some kind of sprung quick-release thing to "hold" it "securely." Needless to say, it was a POS and upon hitting any kind of serious bump with the front wheel meant the bottle went into orbit. Admittedly, the bottles weren't aluminium with cork stoppers, but the spout had a wee cover attached by a plastic strap. None of your teeth-pulling stopper like we enjoy today.

I've never called a bike bottle a bidon, but a musette is always a musette. A derailleur is always a derailleur.

There's lots of reverence around these parts for days of yore, but I tell ya, some shit needs to stay in the past.
Krise says:

Jan 19 2016 at 7:51 am

@wilburrox

Shouldn't one always strive to be better than autocorrect?
RobSandy says:

Jan 19 2016 at 7:58 am

@wiscot

There’s lots of reverence around these parts for days of yore, but I tell ya, some shit needs to stay in the past.

Cork brake blocks.
PantaniForever says:

Jan 19 2016 at 8:03 am

@Ccos

It’s ok to say “bidon” and “gillet” but order a “medium” at Starbucks, right?

I thought so.

I refuse to order coffee by the stupid names they have for small, medium, or large much to my spouse's chagrin. It causes the robotic like person on the register all sorts of consternation. I hate getting coffee there anyways.
Ron says:

Jan 19 2016 at 8:09 am

I've asked a French friend from Brittany about a few words/phrases in cycling that are of French origin. A few of them have been complete mysteries to him, and he's a linguist.

Pedale. - EASILY the most understated Pegoretti I've ever seen! (not a jab, just saying)
Bruce Lee says:

Jan 19 2016 at 8:30 am

I always thought Steve Martin was right on target about the french language:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q_8amMzGAx4