Cycling is a complex sport, one whose fabric is densely woven from the fibers of a Hundred Years War between evolution and tradition. The Rules were laid out in part to provide a path through the chaos, helping lead the disciple towards transcendence. In the words of Pablo Picasso, “Learn the rules like a pro, so you can break them like an artist.”
This simple idea tugs at the underlying fact that the human mind tends to process ideas from the most obvious or easy to understand inward towards the most complex and difficult to understand. In other words, we start with What, then move to How, before finally arriving at Why. But because only 1/3 of the human mind is capable of rational thought while 2/3 of it operates on emotional or instinctual levels, the implication is that the How and the Why tend to be more instinctual or emotional than they are rational. Which is why we often know “Wrong” when we see it without necessarily being able to articulate the reasons behind it.
The Rules codify many aspects of Cycling; we can follow this code and understand fairly well when someone is in contravention of them; in essence, they provide the framework to elevate the “wrong” out of our instinctual mind and into the rational. At least when it comes to looking good on a bike or at the café.
Once in motion, the Velominatus sets themselves apart from other Cyclists by not only their outwardly aesthetic mastery, but by their comfort with how the bicycle moves beneath them; while in motion they handle themselves as if the machine is an extension of their body if not their very soul. Today’s objective is to begin to lay out a foundation for a framework on how to recognize when the actual act of riding the bicycle may be performed incorrectly. Keep in mind, as you coinsider this weighty subject, that Cycling is a sport which flaunts the Laws of Physics with not an inconsiderable sense of entitlement.
- If at any point you find yourself awakening from your ride in a hospital bed, there is a strong possibility that you have done something wrong.
- If at any point you find yourself in the dentist’s office having your jaw and/or teeth reconfigured as a result of launching face-first into an immovable and impermeable barrier of any kind, you probably demonstrated an overconfidence in either the mobility of permeability of said object, thereby doing it wrong.
- If at any point you find yourself surprised at how briskly the human body slides over tarmac before collecting yourself and riding to the emergency room where a curmudgeonly doctor briskly removes road debris from your wounds using a steel brush while muttering to himself about people’s “sense of invulnerability”, you probably overestimated your ability to hang ten in that one corner.
- If at any point you decide that the best way to learn to bunnyhop barriers in Cyclocross at full speed is to “commit” without first practicing this dark art, you are definitely doing it wrong.
- If you see an object in the road such as a pothole, log, or broken glass and ride through it before being astounded by the fact that this action resulted in a flat tire, you are doing it wrong.
- If you are riding in a group and touch another rider’s wheel with your wheel, you are doing it wrong. If you also thereby cause a crash, then you are doing it wrong to the point that you need to reconsider how well you concentrate while riding. If you react to said crash in any way other than assuming full responsibility and apologizing to the poor wretch(es) who are now possibly facing variations of points 1, 2, and 3 above, you are quite possibly an asshole which is one of the worst ways of Doing It Wrong (and a Rule #43 violation).
- If you arrive at a stoplight and fail to unclip from your pedals before falling over, you are doing it wrong. If this fall results in you breaking both your hand and elbow then you did it extra wrong. (I’m looking at you, @blackpooltower.)
- If you jovially parked your car in a garage while simultaneously and unintentionally removing your bicycles from your roof rack, you did it extra special wrong.
- If at any point during the climb you get off and walk, you are doing it extra special wrong times infinity.
- If at any point during your Cycling life you did any of the above without later laughing about it and spinning it into a wildly amusing tale of hubris and hyperbole then you are doing it extra special wrong times infinity with no backs.
frankThe founder of Velominati and curator of The Rules, Frank was born in the Dutch colonies of Minnesota. His boundless physical talents are carefully canceled out by his equally boundless enthusiasm for drinking. Coffee, beer, wine, if it’s in a container, he will enjoy it, a lot of it. He currently lives in Seattle. He loves riding in the rain and scheduling visits with the Man with the Hammer just to be reminded of the privilege it is to feel completely depleted. He holds down a technology job the description of which no-one really understands and his interests outside of Cycling and drinking are Cycling and drinking.
As devoted aesthete, the only thing more important to him than riding a bike well is looking good doing it.
Frank is co-author along with the other Keepers of the Cog of the popular book, The Rules, The Way of the Cycling Disciple and also writes a monthly column for the magazine, Cyclist. He is also currently working on the first follow-up to The Rules, tentatively entitled The Hardmen.
Email him directly at rouleur@velominati.com.
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Do we allow budding young Velominati a single pass on #7 above? Technically speaking yes falling off means doing it wrong but so long as you're in a group of guys (or girls) who are all laughing at you because they've done it before, the first one should probably be free.
Doing it right:
Doing it wrong:
(though, admittedly, this buddy of mine also happens to play hockey- so I'll just let it be.)
@Owen
I completely agree!! I think falling over at a red light is an important initiation, and no beginner can truly consider themselves worthy of their spandex if they haven't had to pick themselves off the tarmac.
Does this bring me back!
Concerned about the risk of driving into garage with bike on top, I ordered a large traffic cone to use as a reminder. Several days later, distracted by a large box in front of the door, was when Bike Wipe #1 happened. Yea, the distracting box was the cone just delivered.
The cone worked well after that, and I gained confidence. Too bad my riding friend Jeff did not have one when I drove into his garage a couple years later for Bike Wipe #2.
I now use a hitch rack.
Back in the USCF days before USAC, your license got you 5 grand in dental insurance but no health insurance (a telling fact). However, they never fell for the "I swear my teeth were totally straight prior to that crash" excuse to cover orthodontia.
I once suggested an impromptu and unplanned town sign sprint in an attempt to catch out my dawdling riding companions.
As I stamped rashly on the pedals my chain became unhitched, sending me chest first across the handlebars and into a parked car.
The buckled wheel and groin rip in my winter tights suggests I was doing it wrong.
Laughter was heard...
Corrolary to point 5. If after riding through said glass, you extract your specially prepared sawn off toothbrush to clean your tyres because you haven't learned to clean them with gloved hands, you're doing it extra special double Dutch WTF wrong.
The act of falling over before clipping out is indeed a rite of passage in the way of the VM for a reason I've not yet seen discussed in these here pages. Clipping out 50 meters before planned stopping point other than when there maybe danger ahead is doing it wrong. Taking your foot off the pedal and dangling it just above the tarmac until stopped is wrong and ugly. Learning to unclip just as V = 0 is our duty and may lead to a fall or two. May seem obvious but I've been with cyclist way better than me who still foot dangle.
And when I say "wrong" I mean it really doesn't matter because no one likes a sanctimonious asshole.
@scaler911
That reminded me of a tweet from UCI the other day. Seems like even the best can do it wrong sometimes.
If you ever draft a car's bumper going downhill (at ~30mph) so as not to see the huge pothole, but somehow manage to bunnyhop but not enough to clear your rear wheel thereby completely destroying it, you have done something a little wrong. Everyone behind you (who kept their distance because they thought you were f**king nuts) aghast in your wrongness. But if you're riding tubulars so that the tire/glue essentially holds said destroyed wheel somewhat together, then you have done something a little right. And if you then if you stay upright, riding your bike until you can safely and gracefully come to a full stop at the bottom and unclip as though this is an every day occurrence, then you are totally casually deliberate.