Team USA: Doomed From The Start

The Road Cycling World Championships are on our doorstep. The USA is hosting, which makes me nervous immediately. How can we fuck this up? Ask Taylor Phinney for starters. This event has not been hosted by the USA since Moreno Argentin won in Colorado almost thirty years ago. We just don’t have the experience to pull off cycling events of this importance. The police are used to impeding cyclists, not protecting them.

But the Americans can’t win either the women’s or men’s road races simply because of the awful kit they have to wear. All V will be drained by the lameness of the jersey. The Rainbow Jersey would refuse to even slip on over such an abomination. Back in the day, Greg LeMan wore the Captain America jersey and won the World Championship at age 22. Going into the worlds as Captain America is a lot more powerful than whatever the hell this new design is. FFS, give these riders a chance. Representing your country in the World Championship should be a highlight of any cyclist’s career.

The Belgians, the Aussies, the Italians, The French: they all have jerseys that say we are here as a select, badass team and we are going to fuck you up. The American’s look like a trade team for a car dealership. It hurts. The Spanish might be in trouble too by the look of last year’s design and the fact they generally refuse to work at crunch time.

Gianni

Gianni has left the building.

View Comments

  • @Harminator

    The USA is stuck in the “more is better” mindset. Two year election campaigns, big coffees, bigger meal servings, more guns, money and cars. Their jersey designs celebrate this excess. All the colours, all the stars, all the words.

    – = +    (less is more) ssshhhhh.

    Let's make no mistake: big coffees, meal servings, more guns, money and cars are in fact all better. More bikes and guitars too.

    When it comes to kits and jersey's only one question needs to be asked, Does the jersey look good with black shorts? If yes, then in all likelihood, the kit is fine. In the case of the USA jersey, uhhhh, no, it would not. I'm with @Gianni in this instance. Yuck.

  • @Gianni

    @Harminator

    The designer of the USA kit can’t be a cyclist. It must be some fucking advertising person who is worried about the USA brand. Grrrrrr. Where are my pills?

    That's it! You're right about that. An advert person worrying about branding. It's the same fugly sh** with recent Olympic kits yes? Seriously? WTF?

  • So why exactly can't we keep the "Captain America" kit from year to year? At the very least perhaps let the La Vie Claire lady design it. She has some good sense.

  • USA kit looks like one of those travelling American freestyle basket team set to tour across the country this summer to a shopping centre carpark near you. Spain, like a cross between a Jelly Belly and Kool Aid Jug dude.. "Oh yeah!!"

  • This is a true low point for us Americans, even the Canadians are making fun of our kit.

  • The British kit is OK-ish. Certainly heaps better than it used to be, but then again

    seems that having a crappy kit isn't always a barrier to success.

    (noting that he's out this year after doing something I did earlier this year. Bruised rib cage sucks badly. Literally. You go to breathe in hard and can't, because some arse is stabbing you with much pain. Dropped by club rides thanks to that)

  • Eh, to look good is to already go faster, but to look terrible is to already work harder. Maybe we'll pull this one out.

  • Nice wrap up @gianni, Gerrans looking like an Australian gorilla, be nice to see him get a win, but had a crap year......  I think the Spanish armada kit is the worst of the crop..maybe its part of the strategy to freak out the other teams and make them throw up?

Share
Published by
Gianni

Recent Posts

Anatomy of a Photo: Sock & Shoe Game

I know as well as any of you that I've been checked out lately, kind…

6 years ago

Velominati Super Prestige: Men’s World Championship Road Race 2017

Peter Sagan has undergone quite the transformation over the years; starting as a brash and…

7 years ago

Velominati Super Prestige: Women’s World Championship Road Race 2017

The Women's road race has to be my favorite one-day road race after Paris-Roubaix and…

7 years ago

Velominati Super Prestige: Vuelta a España 2017

Holy fuckballs. I've never been this late ever on a VSP. I mean, I've missed…

7 years ago

Velominati Super Prestige: Clasica Ciclista San Sebastian 2017

This week we are currently in is the most boring week of the year. After…

7 years ago

Route Finding

I have memories of my life before Cycling, but as the years wear slowly on…

7 years ago