Categories: General

Canon of Cycling’s Etiquette: The Rules

In the roughly six months since launching the Velominati, we have gradually moved from covering races, rumors, and doping to pouring over the very essence of what makes ours such a special sport – its history, culture, legends, traditions, races, and its physical and cultural challenges – and how those threads fit into cycling’s colorful fabric. It binds us and penetrates us, much like the Force, but for bike weenies.

This is what has, over time, become the Velominati’s raison d’Ãªtre. Brett gave it a name in September when he wrote about the dilemma of handlebar/saddle color selection in a post entitled with the phrase that would become the most important term in the Velominati lexicon. Since then, we have been informally maintaining the canon of cycling’s sacred text: The Rules.

This document has finally reached a stage where it presents a foundation upon which to build and we, the Keepers, have decided the time has come to make it public. This is a living document and will grow and evolve as our sport does. Read it often. Consult it often. Consume it. Worship it. We are the Velominati, the Keepers of the Cog, and it is within our trust that we keep this sacred text. And also to be awesome.

frank

The founder of Velominati and curator of The Rules, Frank was born in the Dutch colonies of Minnesota. His boundless physical talents are carefully canceled out by his equally boundless enthusiasm for drinking. Coffee, beer, wine, if it’s in a container, he will enjoy it, a lot of it. He currently lives in Seattle. He loves riding in the rain and scheduling visits with the Man with the Hammer just to be reminded of the privilege it is to feel completely depleted. He holds down a technology job the description of which no-one really understands and his interests outside of Cycling and drinking are Cycling and drinking. As devoted aesthete, the only thing more important to him than riding a bike well is looking good doing it. Frank is co-author along with the other Keepers of the Cog of the popular book, The Rules, The Way of the Cycling Disciple and also writes a monthly column for the magazine, Cyclist. He is also currently working on the first follow-up to The Rules, tentatively entitled The Hardmen. Email him directly at rouleur@velominati.com.

Next The Wearing-o-the Kit »

Previous « Nokon No More

View Comments

Marko says:

Jan 5 2010 at 12:09 pm

#22. If your legs are to be left hairy, make sure you can dish out plenty of hurt to shaved riders, or be considered a hippy douche."

Uh oh.

@Marko
Don't tell me you don't shave. Once you go for it, you'll never go back. I even shave when I'm wearing tights. I shave more often (and do a better job) than most women I know. It also means I don't have to ride as hard or as well. And it's also very effective as a conversation starter. Provided you don't enjoy making conversation.

Random Stranger:	Hello, I'm Pat. I like horses and motorcyles. How are you doing?
Frank:	I'm doing fine, thank you. My name is Frank. It's spelled like "Frank" but pronounced like "Frahnk" because I'm a hippie quasi-Euro douche. I'm also rather pleased with this morning's leg-shaving performance. Rather pleased indeed.
Random Stranger:	I think that's my dog calling my name. [wanders off]
Frank:	[to self] Nice chat.

Marko says:

Jan 5 2010 at 1:07 pm

@frank

That's a lot of manscaping for me to keep up with dude. If you remember, I live without running water and a shower. It's enough for me to keep up with my face and sack in the thrice weekly sauna, let alone my gangly hairy ass legs. Guess I'll have to train harder and put the hippy douche hurt on some muthafuckas. Either that or get a norelco for the daily treatment.
frank says:

Jan 5 2010 at 1:42 pm

@Marko
I guess that's your only option, man! Put that hippie hammer down!
frank says:

Jan 5 2010 at 4:04 pm

@Marko
By the way, did you say "sack"? I hope you're not using the same razor. Or, if you are, that you're going in the right order.
brett says:

Jan 6 2010 at 12:37 am

Marko, sounds like you are a candidate for a 'sack, back and crack wax'. Oh, and your legs too...
Marko says:

Jan 6 2010 at 8:06 am

@brett

sounds painful ala Steve Corell in 40 yr old virgin. but much much worse.
Marko says:

Jan 6 2010 at 10:05 am

By the by: the link below definately violates rules 11 and 24 in some way but is dooshy enough to probably warrant its own rule. Now where are my tight pants...

http://www.ecouterre.com/8575/finally-bike-helmets-that-dont-make-you-look-like-a-dork/
frank says:

Jan 6 2010 at 11:22 am

Oh Christ, that is awful. While that link provides countless reasons to run, screaming, from that site, I think the highlight is the following comment, left by "dennis" who is aparently a "bike shop owner". I have a suspicion that he exagerating his role and is in fact just the manager of the sports section at the village Walmart:

Interesting that "approved" bike helmets (Giro, Bell, Specialized, etc) offer no front or temple protection and that the majority of these helmets (even among serious road and mountain bike racers) are hardly ever worn with a chin strap tight enough to keep the helmet in place, yet designs such as Bern and these are non-approved.

WTF?? The Rules aside, I don't even know where to start with this. It would be like arguing with someone over whether or not the Sun exists.
Marko says:

Jan 6 2010 at 12:31 pm

bluesdawg (whoever that is) put it best in his remarks:

"Those are the dorkiest looking helmets I've ever seen."