Author Archive | Brett

Hey not fair, someone's racing up there!

Le Bouclier Jaune

by / / 190 posts

Geraint Thomas is the rightful winner of the 2017 Tour de France. In a travesty of epic proportions not seen at a Tour since the early 2000s, the yellow jersey he won in the opening time trial proved to be grossly inadequate in its defence of his race lead, in complete contrast to the stellar…

Just... No.

Monumental Disrespect

by / / 88 posts

Now I’ve never won any bike race of any significance, therefore have never had to think about an appropriate finish line salute. If I was a professional bicycle racer with a show of winning a major race however, I think I’d probably sort my shit out just in case I may be bagging a big win.…

The Muur is back to farewell Tommeke

Velominati Super Prestige: Ronde Van Vlaanderen 2017

by / / 187 posts

Some things come, some things go. On Sunday in Flanders, there will be a mix of joy and melancholy as an old favourite returns, and another bids farewell. The famed Muur de Geraardsbergen aka the Kapelmuur finally reappears where it belongs, albeit not with the important role it once played. But at least it’s there.…

Does this make it right?

The Justifier

by / / 86 posts

I kind of like the fact that I still have to look up what number certain Rules are. Some stick in my mind, usually due to their relevance to my everyday riding and living situation. That’s how I could justify hairy legs over a ride-barren winter, loose-fitting (I refuse to call them baggy) shorts for gravé…

Cleanliness is next to the velodrome

The Shower

by / / 47 posts

As far as Cycling and racing iconography goes, Paris-Roubaix sits at the very zenith. It’s the most revered race among fans not only because of the pavé and the punishment it hands out, but there’s also the traditional finish of the race in the old velodrome, and what are possibly the most photographed showers anywhere in…

Hair today, Ronde tomorrow. Photo Cor Vos

On Rule #33: The Sagan Clause

by / / 120 posts

Rule #33 has to be one of the most discussed, deconstructed and divisive of all the Rules. I suppose there’s something about grown men who are non-professional cyclists taking a razor to their pins that brings out some strong emotions and it never fails to generate conversation and opinion. But really, who cares what someone else does…

You light up my legs, you give me hope. Photo JEFF PACHOUD/ GETTY

Lights On Legs

by / / 24 posts

Cycling is made up of hundreds of minute details, forming a larger entity which is generally simplified and viewed as the intrinsically simple act of riding––or racing––a bicycle. Getting on and pedalling, fast, may be the crux of winning the Tour, Roubaix, or the local B grade crit, but if it is held as the most important aspect, then…

The beginning of so many ends

Velominati Super Prestige: Tour de France 2016

by / / 585 posts

A lot has happened in the last ten years of le Tour, and a lot of it stemmed from the race that took place in 2006. At the time it seemed like yet another “Tour of Redemption” as the organisers liked to claim every few years after something had happened to tarnish the race’s image,…

It would be decades before golf and cycling met once again.

Anatomy Of A Photo: The Battle Of The 13th Bunker

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Sylvester wasn’t happy with his second shot at the 13th. “I say, I’ve blimmin well hooked that one tewwibly to the left, old chap.” “Oh yes, made a right hash of it, a real dog’s breakfast” chimed in Roderick, his live-in help, part-time caddy and full-time lover. “Let me get that for you, I don’t…

K.I.S.S meets Soundgarden.

The Quick Zip Salute

by / / 68 posts

Diego Ulissi did us all a service on stage 4 of the Giro. Not only did he win in the best way possible for a rouleur with a sprint – by not having to sprint – he timed his attack so perfectly that he only had time for a split-second salute, and an even quicker…

It's not the Giro. It's way harder (to pick).

Velominati Super Prestige: Tour Of Chongming Island 2016

by / / 106 posts

Ok, so we know you’re all excited about the Giro starting tonight, and poring over your picks and determining who is the best of a pretty weak field. Look, it’s Nibbles then daylight, ok? Good. Now we got a bit lost in it all too, and if it wasn’t for the eagle eye and sharp…

Suit you, Sir?

The Suit Lining

by / / 59 posts

“A fine suit is only as good as its lining” once said someone more versed in the art of the clothier than me. They didn’t actually, I just made that up. But it sounds like it could be something that an Italian tailor would say, but I’ve never met one of those either. The point…

0.02% aero lost, 236% cool gained

Reverence: Straight Round Tubes

by / / 180 posts

Tradition and innovation sit mostly comfortably alongside each other in Cycling. The bicycle itself is inherently a very simple machine, the basic design of which has remained the same for centuries; frame, two wheels, cranks, saddle, handlebars. It’s what has been done to these elements along the way that has shaped what the modern road…

Here comes sickness.

Shit Gets Real

by / / 83 posts

Can you feel that? That itchy, twitchy feeling… that’s anticipation, it’s expectation, it’s Belgian fucking racing fever! You know you’ve got it, and you can’t fight it, you don’t want to fight it, you need it bad because it’s been way too long. Some may call it Spring Fever, Cobblebone, or Kassientitis. It manifests itself deep in…

If loin cloths could speak...

Half Man, Half Couch

by / / 64 posts

I never used to get injured. I could ride all day on hardly any water or food, under the Australian sun with nary a squirt of sunscreen, drink four beers directly after and then go and DJ and dance til the wee hours of the next morning without stretching or any form of ‘warming down’. To me,…

Working legs. Photo: Tim Koln

Single Gun Theory

by / / 78 posts

Kids are assholes. Kids are also sensitive and vulnerable, and the two extremes are usually not found together in the one vessel. When you’re a kid, or more specifically a young teenager, being skinny (or conversely, overweight) can be somewhat testing for a developing brain. Processing jibes and deflecting taunts from meatheads and low-rent bullies…

Gone the way of the frame pump

A Shift In Time

by / / 103 posts

Returning to your roots can be both a rewarding and sobering experience. The nostalgia one feels for the halcyon days of youth, the memories of carefree times in the sun with the only concern to make it home in time for dinner, the hidden alleyways and secret spots where the bike would take you and…

Disregard, or deference?

On Rule #30: In Defence Of The Frame Pump

by / / 106 posts

Going against the grain is something I think I’ve been doing with some degree of success for a good portion of my existence. A lot of people look at my life with a kind of disdain, mixed with a hint of envy and a dash of bemusement; how could I not have a wife/kids/mortgage and…

The real truth lies here.


by / / 139 posts

Modern society is pretty much fucked. The world is made up of vacuous, self-centered morons brainwashed by the internet and mainstream media, who in turn are no more than puppets of .ooo1% of the population who own 99% of the wealth and pull the strings of every major government, bank, business and institution. 1984 is a…

Right there! You see that? Is it?

Anatomy Of A Screen Shot: The Ghost Of Fons Vanacker

by / / 26 posts

Outside of East Flanders, little is known of Bart Vanacker’s elder half-brother Fons. Around the streets of Ronse, however, The Fons was a regular sight, well-dressed, perfect hair with a beaming smile and “hallo!” for everyone whose path he would cross on his daily walk to Fons’ Flandrien Farming outlet, the business he’d established in 1974 in…

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