Velominati’s Sock Height Calculator: Refining the Goldilocks Principle

Start Measuring

Firstly, all you kids, kindly get off my lawn. Especially you kids who wear too tall black socks with white cycling shoes. Get off my lawn and stop racing in my favorite bike races. There’s no call for that. Why should my Milan-Sanremo enjoyment be ruined by this? It’s a sunny day, no snow, no rain, white socks not good enough, eh? Riding along the Ligurian coast from Milan to Sanremo without two seconds consideration about sock selection, eh? Just thinking about Sock Height not good enough, EH?

Winnipegcyclechick’s stellar treatise on sock height should be required reading for everyone, even non-cyclists. People should have this knowledge. Mongols on the Steppes; Тийм ээ, тийм, би энэ оймс өндөр мэднэ.*

While we have lost the battle on sock color the final battles on height continues. We can use the VSP generator between VSP runs to work on other important 1st world problems. To this end, straight outta the Velominati bunker we have this: the sock height calculator.

S = A/π – √B ± (B/A) / (1/CS¹)

Where:

A= Lower leg length measured from inner ankle protuberance to top of the inner tibia in cm.
B= Distance between inner ankle protuberance to bottom of calf in cm.
S= Sock height measured above inner ankle protuberance in cm.
CS¹= Calf Shame factor on a scale of 1 to 10 where 1 equals no shame (some pride) and 10 equals great shame (seppuku or calf implants are fantasized about equally).

The term CS¹ has become most controversial in peer review but most agree a correction factor should be available for individual taste.

*In English: Yes, Yes, I know of this sock height.

Gianni

Gianni has left the building.

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View Comments

universo says:

Mar 28 2016 at 11:48 am

@wiscot

@Ccos

Unfortunely looking like a twat doesn’t keep you from riding fast. The dude that sprinted for second well ahead of me this past Saturday had high socks pulled over his leg warmers and no arm warmers.

But I held the high ground.

It’s the moral victories that count!

BTW, next time I write a historical article, I’m going to leave out all that shite about palmares and personality etc and just concentrate on two things: how his handlebars were wrapped and how long his socks were.

To all those who are making some kind of relationship between penis length and sock length, I give you two names: Anquetil and Cippolini. Short sock wearers both.

Oli has me convinced now to wrap left drop clockwise and right drop counter-clockwise. Socks will also be worn left and right with matching length.
wiscot says:

Mar 28 2016 at 12:13 pm

@universo

@wiscot

@Ccos

Unfortunely looking like a twat doesn’t keep you from riding fast. The dude that sprinted for second well ahead of me this past Saturday had high socks pulled over his leg warmers and no arm warmers.

But I held the high ground.

It’s the moral victories that count!

BTW, next time I write a historical article, I’m going to leave out all that shite about palmares and personality etc and just concentrate on two things: how his handlebars were wrapped and how long his socks were.

To all those who are making some kind of relationship between penis length and sock length, I give you two names: Anquetil and Cippolini. Short sock wearers both.

Oli has me convinced now to wrap left drop clockwise and right drop counter-clockwise. Socks will also be worn left and right with matching length.

My brain just imploded trying to understand that!
Clank says:

Mar 28 2016 at 5:27 pm

@Gianni

Fair point. If we are to have strict standards though, maybe they should be enforceable - like the law about having a bell on your bike and all the other craptastic nanny state BS in New South Wales. Now there's a rant waiting to happen.
Gianni says:

Mar 28 2016 at 10:02 pm

@Clank

@Gianni

Fair point. If we are to have strict standards though, maybe they should be enforceable – like the law about having a bell on your bike and all the other craptastic nanny state BS in New South Wales. Now there’s a rant waiting to happen.

Rant away, @Clank. Guest articles are always welcome. A bell, ffs! That is overkill. That is why we have vocal chords. "Outta my way, pecker-head" works better than a bell.
RobSandy says:

Mar 29 2016 at 2:43 am

I've got some DeFeet Woolie Boolies and they are the wrong height. This is very irritating.

Means I can only wear them with full length leggings/bibtights or under shoe covers.
RobSandy says:

Mar 29 2016 at 2:49 am

@ChrisO

A simple way to be sure… if the socks reach the tattoo, they’re too long.

And if the kirin has bristles it’s time to shave.

Shit me, the famous ChrisO wears the same socks as me! And I must say, I find them exactly the right length/height.
chuckp says:

Mar 29 2016 at 7:46 am

@Joe

That said, I’ve since gone to the darkside, 12-13 cm with a little color. Shoot me.

As someone who wore "traditional" DeFeet Mavic "low cut" white socks back when I raced in the 90s, I have to admit that I've since become a fan of 5-6" (12-15 cm) socks. My newest pair of Sock Guy socks. Probably the least "colorful" pair of socks I have.
ChrisO says:

Mar 29 2016 at 8:04 am

@RobSandy

Excellent choice, and yes they are Goldilocks in knitted form.

They also seem to stay nice and white too.
TheVid says:

Mar 29 2016 at 8:28 am

@RobSandy

I’ve got some DeFeet Woolie Boolies and they are the wrong height. This is very irritating.

Means I can only wear them with full length leggings/bibtights or under shoe covers.

I bought a couple pairs of DeFeet Aereators which fall on the line between zone 1 and 2 (according to Winnipeg Cycle Chick) long before I found my way to the path of the Velominatus. Apart from the lack of height, they are perfect, and easily the best socks I've ever put on my feet. As a thoroughly practical velominatus budgetatus, I can't justify replacing them until they've worn out. Even to the point of accepting Frank's annual Rule 43 compliant comments at the Cogal of the Fallen Leaves.
gilly says:

Mar 30 2016 at 1:16 am

@wilburrox

@Buck Rogers

@fignons barber

@Buck Rogers

White and a bit above the malleolus (2-5 cm). That should be the end of the discussion, esp for Velominati.

Must we also wear terry cloth head bands and sport our cables with at least a 14 inch radius above the bars as well? Evolution of fashion. Socks between 9-12cm. If your legs are longer, pull the socks up. Shorter legs? Calf stretches and drink more milk.

Sock color? GQ states in fundamental dress: socks should always be as dark or DARKER than shoes. The only reason they wore white socks with black shoes is because colored athletic socks had not been invented yet. The dye would run into your feet causing serious injury and/or death. Fact.

Bullshit! When fashion reaches its apex, one should not try to change it. The discussion is socks, not head bands. Stay on target, Mate!

This is genius debate here folks. Me, firmly in the camp of evolution, get knocked back on my heels with that response and thinking dang, why fix perfect after all ? BUT, then I figure seriously, is it the triathletes with their shorty sox that have ultimately co-opted the apex ? No ! Evolution counts for better in the end. Anywho… I was in a new shop jersey today (for which this photo was snapped) feeling particularly fantastic with the new kit on a beautiful spring day before Easter when in retrospect, ultimately it was the subconscious positive mojo being generated by the perfect shorts and sox length! Sure the knees are ugly but they’ve been around for a while. What ya gonna do… Cheers

You've got a screaming baby head trapped in your left knee! Great sock/ shoe combo BTW