Reverence: Malteni

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Cyclists can (and usually do) go on for hours as to why they ride their bikes, and most of their reasons can sound, well, a bit flakey to anyone not enamored with shaved legs and being done up in lycra. “I do it to keep fit”, “It keeps me slim”, “I’m a competitor, I love to race”, “It’s the freedom it gives me, an escape from the day to day”. Ok, maybe a few of those are somewhat justifible, but we all know why we really ride; so we can drink beer. And if you are tutting and pffting at that statement, then you probably don’t belong here. Cycling and beer are kindred spirits, inseperable, like Moore and Cook, Hall and Oates, Fränk and Andy, Gunderson and lying.

You need look no further for proof than Belgium. It’s where both beer and cycling were invented (I don’t know if that’s actually true, but the Belgians do both better than most so I’m running with it). Any Cyclist or beer drinker worth their malt will always look to Belgium for the very best of their craft. We’re talking Merckx, Duvel, Van Looy, Leffe, Boonen, Chimay, Museeuw and Malteni. Try and tell me any of those names don’t conjur up greatness.

Malteni, you ask? Why yes… this has to be one of my favourite Belgian beers, and not only because there is an almost endless supply of it catered for on Keepers Tour. You could offer me all the Budweiser at the ToC or Vic Bitter at the TDU that I could drink, and I’d probably choose to go dry. But at the end of a day of being pummeled by pavé or crushed by kasseien and bergs, a cold Malteni is the proverbial icing on the cobbled cake. Got a long day of spectating ahead on the Oude Kwaremont? A backpack full of the malted goodness will keep you in fine fettle and make the frites even tastier. We tested it on real live Flandrians and all were suitably impressed (then suitably disappointed when we refused a chaser). The kicker? Its gluten-free, which means it will make you live longer the more of it you drink. And there’s no hangover. Believe me, we tried.

As cycling isn’t about just riding, beer isn’t about just drinking (or drinking to get drunk, a concept largely lost on anyone swilling Bud, VB or Tui). It is about the senses; the effects we get from both riding a finely tuned bicycle and imbibing a quality ale are quite similar. Bikes and beer both look good, they smell good, and they provide us a cerebral and physical euphoria that at once relaxes and stimulates us. Enjoying both activities, in tandem, in the motherland is like reaching the cyclists’ nirvana. Yes, I’m looking forward to meeting up with old and new friends and riding the storied roads of the Monuments with The Lion this April, but if there were no Malteni at the end of each day, then the Belgian experience just wouldn’t be completely and genuinely Belgian.

[dmalbum path=”/velominati.com/content/Photo Galleries/[email protected]/Malteni/”/]

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121 Replies to “Reverence: Malteni”

  1. @minion

    Why do you persist living in that country? You need to get out of there, you’re starting to whinge like a typical Aussie; after that, you’ll accept mediocrity and proclaim everything is “the best in the world”, even the VB and XXXX.

    There are some good beers there, but not great beers. Last time I was back me and my mate drank a lot of 8 Wired, which was part of a big section of Kiwi imports at the only good bottlo in town. One of the better local brews was from Lord Nelson, but I don’t really recall any others… I used to think Little Creatures was the most exotic beer ever, until I moved to NZ (it is a good beer though, still drink the occasional one here).

  2. @minion

    @brett

    A kiwi and someone with Dirty Schleck Love for that country talking about How bad Australian beer is. You both just might get me liking it again – although Carlton Draught out of the tap in a cold pot isn’t the worst experience in the world.

    Anyhoo you are all getting hysterical. If you cant have the beer you love then love the one you’re with.

  3. @brett and by the way if you are wondering where that last line came from – remember that song by the Chantoozies?

  4. Spooky! This post remineded me of William and Alex. So I visited cyclingpave.cc and this is the first photo that popped up. It’s me + Malteni + Oude de Kwaremont (+ a lurking @Brett).

    drink and watch

  5. @Marcus

    @minion

    @brett

    Carlton Draught out of the tap in a cold pot isn’t the worst experience in the world.

    See, this is what happens… justifying mediocrity is a (Aus) national pastime that needs to stamped out! Careful, minion…

  6. @Marcus

    @brett and by the way if you are wondering where that last line came from – remember that song by the Chantoozies?

    Well, I’d probably shoved it to the dark part of my brain where the taste of VB lurks, but thanks for bringing it back… was it Kate Ceberano in that band? The horror…

  7. @brett no Kate Ceberano could sing (a bit). The Chantoozies were a bunch of nightclub sluts, the most prominent being Totti Goldsmith – and their cover of that Stills song was an aberration, along with their very existence…

    I would give your anti-Australian comments more weight if I didnt know that you originate from some shithole like Newcastle. That’s like condemning the whole of Great Britain because of how fucked Glasgow is.

  8. @minion

    @G’rilla Little Creatures is about it; nice beer but that’s damning it with faint praise. I was all excited about exploring a new geographical area’s breweries and have been met with a soulcrushing void. I have friends ho make better beer in their bathrooms than most of the stuff you can buy over the bar here. Pale lagers that are served too cold seem to be about it round here.

    BTW Coopers sell home brew kits, the product of which is identical to their bottled on the shelf products. That about says it all.

     

    I normally wouldn’t allow myself to be baited by a half-wit kiwi residing in the worst city in the southern hemisphere and pontificating about Aussie beer,  but the sheer incongruity of that equation leaves me little choice, fucktard.

    First of all, Australians never claimed to be good at beer making, just good at beer drinking. We’re a basic bunch. We don’t sip pints, we sink piss.

    And in case you hadn’t noticed from your air-conditioned gravy train, Australia is fucking hot and fucking dry. The beer here is brewed to quench the thirst of the people. Water is precious and reserved for crops and livestock because it doesn’t fall from the sky constantly like in Belgium or Scotland or your puny god-forsaken outcrop. We don’t sit around demanding a hint of blackberry or a greater concentration of hop oils because we’re thirsty and we’d rather play sport and make jokes about how good we fucked you over with the underarm ball. Who the fuck can afford to drink a heavy, high alcohol pint when we’ve got 6 more hours of fencing and roo shootin to do?

    When we want something different we go the shop. We don’t need to invent it ourselves. It’s called importing. Some of us are clever enough to realise that the glut of “micro brews” taking over the shelves are a marketing con. Didn’t you realise when you saw Speights in with the boutique beer at Dan Murphy’s?

    If you’re too sophisticated for a cold Carlton Draught, can I recommend a crisp Marlborough Sauvignon Blanc with a twist of chopped gorse. Or you can try doing something that earns you a man-sized thirst. Or why don’t you fuck off back to your friend’s bathroom and drink his piss. Whatever floats your boat, cunzor.

  9. @Marcus
    Classics. Better now that they’ve aged a bit. Unlike minion. He’s getting worse. And now it looks like Brett’s losing it.

  10. Nice! Beer drinking has always been a part of the sports I love, from lacrosse, to hockey, to cycling. You train, you watch, you swill. I need one as much as I need the other, which is a bunch!

  11. @Torc

    Scotland has 40% of the wind resource of the EU

    WTF does that even mean?

    They don’t have wind on the French Atlantic coast? All those Spanish windfarms they used as an excuse to build roads up cliffs for the Vuelta don’t exist? The Italians don’t invent winds so Campagnolo can name wheels after them? The German’s don’t have big-ass wind turbines?

    Big Ass Wind Turbine

  12. @The Potato Man

    Ummm, Coopers at the TDU thank you very much. VB is made almost 1000km away.

    1000km is still not far enough away ……   there’s only one good reason to even contemplate purchasing VB and that’s to clean the dog shit out of cleats if you step in any on the way to get a post ride Coopers Pale Ale ………   We in South Australia decline any such request to be involved in any nonsense remotely related to said Victorian Bitter ….

  13. @Harminator Yep. For the what, second or third fattest nation on earth Australians are fucking great at working up a thirst. Decades of beer ads and sitting on your arses watching cricket have effectively brainwashed the lot of you into thinking you’re sunburnt outback he-men when the reality seems to swerve the opposite way.

    It’s also fascinating that most Aussies consider the rest of the country apart from the bit they live in a shithole. Telling.

  14. Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.” — Ben Franklin

  15. @minion

    @Harminator Yep. For the what, second or third fattest nation on earth Australians are fucking great at working up a thirst. Decades of beer ads and sitting on your arses watching cricket have effectively brainwashed the lot of you into thinking you’re sunburnt outback he-men when the reality seems to swerve the opposite way.

    It’s also fascinating that most Aussies consider the rest of the country apart from the bit they live in a shithole. Telling.

    According to the 2012 OECD obesity report Australia comes in 5th in obese adults and a disappointing 12th in the kids’ ranking. Of course the US are #1 and #2 in those categories – and little old NZ comes in at #3 and #5.

    Have the kiwis have gotten fat because they have worked out how to train the sheep not to run away?

  16. I’d like to remind all you antipodeans that B-list celebrity G’rilla will be in Melbourne on the 19th-24th of this month.

    At minimum, I’ll show up to Cafe Racer at 6am on Saturday and hope that Marcus isn’t training for a triathlon that day.

  17. @marcus

    i dont have a dog in this fight, but it does seem they’ve got one over on you if they have you believing they train the sheep to do stuff…

  18. @gaswepass
    I expect the sheep are smarter than the kiwi farmers and have worked out that if they push back it ‘s all over more quickly.

  19. @G’rilla

    I hope that’s Malteni or at least something Belgian or you will incur a horrible curse!

    Maui made IPA (drinkin’ local) so this curse can line up behind all the others hanging over the doomed Gianni family name. What’s one more? 

  20. @Harminator

    @gaswepass
    I expect the sheep are smarter than the kiwi farmers and have worked out that if they push back it ‘s all over more quickly.

    Guffaw ……..   incredibly humerous ……….  stop it, I like it !! ….

  21. Talking to a cyclist at a Super Bowl party in Seattle:

    “If you like cycling and beer, there’s a country you should visit.”

    “Holland?”

    “Umm…no. Cycling AND beer.”

    “Oh, Belgium!”

  22. Further to the Aussie thread here I’m lucky enough to be living in Tassie, so it’s not too hot, our hops, barley and water are excellent and we can brew a beer.

    If it’s not the mainstream Cascade & Boags, try a 2 Metre tall, a Moo Brew (I do like their Belgo) or a Seven Sheds.

    If I was drinking a NZ beer I might grab a Montieths Radler.

    By the way what is the Velominati view on radler beer – a beer for riders has to be a plus, but mixing additives with beer could be seen to be unacceptable?

  23. @markpa

    Further to the Aussie thread here I’m lucky enough to be living in Tassie, so it’s not too hot, our hops, barley and water are excellent and we can brew a beer.

    If it’s not the mainstream Cascade & Boags, try a 2 Metre tall, a Moo Brew (I do like their Belgo) or a Seven Sheds.

    If I was drinking a NZ beer I might grab a Montieths Radler.

    By the way what is the Velominati view on radler beer – a beer for riders has to be a plus, but mixing additives with beer could be seen to be unacceptable?

    I’ve had the Seven Sheds, very nice indeed. (Oops, actually it was a 3 Sheets…)

    But Monteith’s Radler is terrible. I’d rather drink a VB than that, seriously. Just terrible.

  24. @markpa

    Where in Tassie are you?

    If I were to move back to Aus, Hobart would be a city I could live in. Reminds me a lot of Wellington (and not just the big mofo mountain namesake)…

  25. @the Engine

    @eenies

    @Marcus

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zeR4qf3W8qk

    Never mind the beer, this is the finest collection of mullet haircuts I’ve seen since the fall of the Berlin Wall. However, the too short shorts and ‘tache are a little homo-erotic for my tastes.

    Christ on bike – I though the Shake n’Vac adverts were frightening but this raises it to a whole new level.

    But the voiceover copy is poetry, sheer poetry.

  26. @G’rilla

    I’d like to remind all you antipodeans that B-list celebrity G’rilla will be in Melbourne on the 19th-24th of this month.

    At minimum, I’ll show up to Cafe Racer at 6am on Saturday and hope that Marcus isn’t training for a triathlon that day.

    Apparently you’ll need to import your own beer, although @Marcus swears you can get good coffee everywhere.

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