Tour de Blast – 2010

It never fails; the forecast five days out looks good and as the date gets closer the forecast gets less good looking. But since it didn't actually say “near freezing cold continuous rain” we were not to be dissuaded. We wouldn't have been anyway but might have brought more clothes.

This was the first proper ride the U.S. based Velominati Keepers have had together and the first chance to properly fly the Velominati kits. A group ride at a well-subscribed one-day tour seemed like a great idea. 136km and about 2500m of climbing, a chance to blast by our recumbent riding, yellow jacketed brethren and ride with Marko €œBat Wing€ Carlson, I was not going to miss it.

Here are our Rashomon versions of the ride.

John's Take

I can't say we were peaking for this but my wife and I were both confident of not shaming ourselves despite Beth's chronic knee injury, which lately has kept her from attaining her inner Pantani. Lots of slightly nervous laughter as we checked bikes, pinned on numbers and fretted over the seeming lack of clothing. We had been thinking a light rain could happen but we could deal with that. Cold, constant, pelting rain somehow hadn't been part of our projection for the day.

Coming from Hawaii we had borrowed some items but these Seattleites have the experience and wardrobes for such conditions. Except Euro-Pro Frank, who besides looking like he just stepped off the Velominati team bus, was as under-dressed as I was but had nothing jammed in his jersey pockets. Was he was relying on the non-existent team car for support?

Beth meekly asked what were the chances conditions (cold continual rain) would improve. €œNot a chance€ Marko reassured her.

The plan was for us to ride together as long as possible before everyone reached their different climbing speeds. We rolled out and the plan immediately dissolved as Jim stopped to tweak his saddle height, Frank dropped back to ride him back up to the group and I rode away from everyone like an obnoxious Cat 4 over-achiever. Which I'm not, I was so cold from standing around in thin wet lycra my only hope was the 53 x 15 until the grade steepened and my usual over-heating kicked in. There was the short-lived pleasure of speeding by people who were riding a sensible pace. We eventually reformed into a group of wet riders, no drafting(too wet) and not much talking. Beth, who is less adept at hiding her misery than I am, was clearly very wet and cold. I was banking on the steeper grades to warm us and maybe conditions would improve. The temperature dropped as we climbed and the heat balance equation did not tip in our favor as Beth's knee slowed us some and kept us from tearing into the climb and keeping pace with our fellow Velominati. They disappeared into the rain and mist toward summit glory…or so we thought, ride officials turned people around before the official turn-around because conditions were so “poor.”

As an ex-mountaineer, I know the descent is more dangerous than the climb. After 23 miles of climbing I finally told Beth we were turning around. To her credit she thought this was a stupid idea: all these fat old geezers were going to go further than we were? Yes dear, they were. Beth had borrowed a serious fleece-lined waterproof jacket for the descent that I was banking on to save the day, for her anyway. I put on a thin long sleeved shell, which was neither warm nor waterproof. We turned and started streaking down toward the pleasant fantasy of warm showers and dry clothes.

God damn it…Frank should have warned me about his Bianchi's high-speed shimmy. This is dangerous! I've never noticed this before€¦actually, it turned out that I had the uncontrollable shimmy, not the bike.

The High Point

I'm such a prick that I was consoled for much of the ride by the fact I shamed Frank into not wearing any over-boots. If I didn't have any I wasn't going to let him wear any. Two kilometers into the ride my feet could not have been wetter if I had walked knee deep into the Pacific but at least so too were Frank's.

Hours later, when Frank and Michelle strode back into the car park, they were intact and Frank had a huge smile on his face. Frank had the exact same lack of clothes on as when he started. He is a Hardman, she is a Hardwoman.

The Low Point

As soon as we started the descent I couldn't handle my bike, Beth was going hypothermic and I was not sure how this could end well. The descent was a long cruel slog but as we lost altitude we got a little warmer. We kept our heads down as we passed the friendly locals with offers of beer and a fire at the gas station. Getting back to the car was the bittersweet mix of regret and relief.

Marko's Take

Like John and Beth, I had travelled a long way for this ride. I'd left home in Minnesota the previous Monday stopping over to ride Beartooth Pass in Montana (trip report to follow) and see some other old friends in Portland. Portland, by the way, has some spectacular riding as well which I was able to sample while I was there.

I figured I had timed my peak just right. I'd put in many kilometers at home to that point and topped off my training with some solid climbs on my way to the Tour de Blast. The thing is though, we've had a gorgeous start to the summer in Minnesota. In fact, the last time I rode in the rain and temps below 60F was my annual Ronde ride which I do on the same day of that race. I've also lived in the PNW and SE Alaska and am all too familiar with the weather there. Hence, my comment to Beth that John mentioned. This was going to be a Rule #9 day. In fact, when we were designing the Velominati kit, I had advocated for putting Rule #9 on the right thigh along with Rules #1, #5, and #10. I lost that argument and only wish I had some duct tape to add it to my thigh that day.

The High Point(s)

Well, there are two. The first was straight-away unloading and kitting up in the soccer field that served as the ride parking lot. The guy who was parked next to me noticed the sweet kit I had donned and said; “Ahh, Velominati. Harden the Fuck Up.” After hearing this great conversation starter I learned that this chap actually reads this blog with some friends and was appreciating the fact, I think, that we were there. What's more, he said he had friend who had bailed on the day's ride due to the weather. Turns out, his friend may need to practice a little of Rules #5 and #9 but is probably a pretty damn smart dude.

The other High for the day was riding with some darn good friends. It was a good reminder for me of why I think we do this. Which is to say for the community of other riders. Frank and his Velomihottie and I go way back and I hold them responsible for this addiction of mine. It was a tremendous honor to ride with men of Frank's aesthete, John's stroke and Jim's grinta. These are hardmen of the highest order that you can find in a citizen ride that costs $65 and provides a free t-shirt and spaghetti feed.

The Low(s)

Again, there are two. The first is a corroboration of John's lack of bicycle control. This was something I have never experienced in the saddle before to this extent. Descending the 2000 feet or so back to the start of the climb consisted of me thinking primarily two things. 1) I need to control these pilot induced oscillations because if they get any worse I'm going to crash at 55 kph and 2) I'd give anything for a climb or a flat right now to generate some heat.

The second low had a silver lining. Just before the bottom of the descent, while still rolling along at 45 kph or so, this douche bag in a Sasquatch suit, I'm talking about a full head-to-toe Sasquatch suit, jumps out from behind a road barrier that was about 2 feet to my right. He let out a tremendous roar suprising me so much I let out a scream. Through all this, Jim and I had been riding down together and at the time, he was on my wheel. If it weren't for his expert bike handling ability, it's likely we both would have ended up in a pile in the middle of the road looking for the strength to pound the shit out of Big Foot. The silver lining to this was just down the road his friends were serving up free beer and shots to any rider who's brakes still worked well enough to stop. We took them up on the offer and all was good after a free Peeber.

Frank's Take

The Tour de Blast was like Christmas.  I planned and prepared for it, and I looked forward to it.  I had been looking forward to the camaraderie of a hard ride with good friends.  Looking forward to meeting John and Beth, who are old friends of Jim's and whom I'd only ever met briefly over beers, and I couldn't wait to see Marko for the first time in 6 years.  Jim's brother-in-law Josh was also joining the ride, as was another friend we'd been training with over the Spring, Dan.  Josh showed up to the start with bacon in his jersey and beer in his water bottles; what could go wrong with that plan?  Based on how he rode, not much. I knew we were in for a wild ride; the only regret I had as we rolled out onto the road was that Brett wasn't there with us.  And that I'd listened to John about not covering up the White Ladies.

The High(s)

The highlight for me was definitely spending time with friends, and experiencing the community we've been building online as a tangible thing, like Marko's experience in the parking lot with a reader put in sharp relief.  The laughs, jokes, and accusations of looking too fat too climb were in great supply, despite the dreary weather.  Not to mention seeing John's Magnificent Stroke.  Later on, when I heard he loves Stevie Ray Vaughan, I warned him to start locking his bedroom door.  It was also immensely rewarding to see Marko on a bike.  Years ago, Michelle's and my enthusiasm for the sport brought him into the foray, and it's amazing to see how far he's come.  He was by far the best climber on the day and was betttered only by Jim's Arroyoesque wet descending skills.

When we stopped at the Free Beer Barn near the base of the climb, Michelle did a shot of whiskey with a burly bearded dude.  Not only was this a mingling we don't often encounter, but I'd never seen her do a shot of anything.  This was one hell of a ride.

The Low(s)

I spent the first 18 years or so of my athletic life as a Nordic Ski racer in Minnesota.  That means spandex suits which amount to little more than a jersey and shorts and -10F. Cold doesn't bother me; my extremities get cold, but my body really doesn't.  I may be shaking, but don't feel cold.  But I felt terrible that everyone else was cold.  The only real bummer was hitting the breaks and realizing that it was taking 200m to stop.  As we swept by slower descenders, the only real worry I had was knowing that if any of us needed to make a panic stop, there was going to be a hard crash at the end of it.  Aside from that, who can complain about an epic ride with good friends?

The other low was that, like Christmas, I was so disappointed when it was all over.

Jim's Take

Rain comes down, riders go up.  Eventually, everyone goes down.  Not too complicated.


Descending in a “reckless manner” (Frank, shut up), and getting to the beer barn first.  Also, wheel-sucking Marko the rest of the way home after the beer barn.


Should have spent my full load on the 1st climb, regardless of whether they were going to turn us back from the second climb.  A calculated pace is foolish.  There is no “next” climb.  There is the hill you can see in front of you, and you should grind to the top as fast as your skinny legs will take you.

Videos and Photos


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43 Replies to “Tour de Blast – 2010”

  1. Awesome. Someone in the parking lot reads the Velominati blog?!? %#%$! Awesome. I wish I was there. That calf tat on Michelle(?): awesome. But, frankly, hearing all of you whine about the rain and the cold reminds just how necessary constant meditation on Rule #5 is for all cyclists. Sheeit. I didn’t even see any frost out there. And, after your ride, y’all look dry to me. If the water isn’t pouring off of you after a ride, you didn’t really ride in the rain. Harden the fuck up.

  2. Cool! Great report and pics. Looks like a fun ride – in typical Pacific Northwest weather as the added bonus.

  3. You guys fuckin rock! Watching the video brought a huge smile to my face which I still have typing this. Wish I was there.

    I love how Frank didn’t really say much because his mouth seemed to be constantly chewing. I love the fact that Michelle was concerned with making sure I wouldn’t pick up YVA or arm warmer violations. And her accent is hot (“yah”!) I love how Beth asked if the fucking rain would stop. True Velomihotties right there. And I loved Josh’s one leg warmer tribute to Col (even though he wouldn’t have known it at the time).

    Despite the weather, and some displays of softness (I’m looking at you Big John) it seems like you guys had a great time, plenty of laughs and shit talking. Can’t wait to be a part of that. Bring on Belgium, bitches!

  4. @david
    Dude, it took two wash cycles to clean our clothes, and three days for my shoes to dry. You get your “two layers of tights” California ass out there next year, and we’ll talk Rule #9 (and Rule #5).


  5. @brett
    Dude, Brett, we really missed you. Belgium!! We’ll have some serious ground to cover and some seriously bad weather (I hope) to contend with! Can’t wait!

  6. Beautiful, lads & lassies. Some great pics and some good times, it seems, had by all. Every appearance of Frank in the video is screaming Christmas morning. And that’s one sweet-looking kit: where can I snag me one?

  7. @brett
    It’s fun to finally see what all us fuck ups look like, eh? Hawaii has turned me into such a Big Pussy, I’m guilty as charged.
    Be warned, these guys don’t seem fazed by savage drinking, riding in the cold and more savage drinking then more riding then guess what, yeah, more savage drinking.

    @david It actually was dry after the ride. The reason my lame-ass video contains no actual riding footage is it was so wet and nasty I couldn’t get the camera out of my jersey to shoot anything. Still, I did not fully embrace Rule #5 as some(Frank) did.

    Trust me, we did ride in the rain, maybe the descent air-blasted some of the water out of the lycra. Speaking of lycra, jesus it sucks, I would have killed for my wool long-sleeve jersey. Maybe we need a wool Velominati jersey, retro looking. I’ll leave it with Frank for the next time I ride in the Northwest.

  8. @david
    I’ll take frost over 40F/wind/rain any day. I’d happily ride in 10F over that crap as it’s way more reasonable to regulate your heat. It seriously wasn’t the riding that was the issue, it was the descending. Doesn’t matter how hard you think you are man, at some point you begin to lose control of your body. That’s what was happening that day. If you don’t think peeps were wet, look at Josh’s chamois. Spirits couln’t have been warmer though.


    One day guys we’ll all meet up and ride together. You and all these other crazy mother fuckers on this blog. It’d be Christmas, Kwaanza, and Festivus rolled into one epic day.

  9. Thanks all in the TdB- it was like being there – I felt the pain with you and the joy! It was fun to meet the crew through the magic of technology. Lets hope there will be a repeat or an East coast edition? And on the wool thing I am all for that!

  10. @Jim – magnificent sentiment expressed in your regrets. If I reach the summit of a climb without significant breathing through the harris, I feel a distinct sense of underachievement.

    My only cycling this weekend was turning a gently inebriated, post bbq ride home into a chunder-fest, 9 miles of pure TT pain.

    @All – The kit looks magnificent!

  11. @all
    My favorite bit is the corroboration between the photos and the video. Like, for example, that Michelle is constantly trying to get her calf in the picture to show off the HTFU tattoo that a genius reader had sent us prior to the ride.

    And picture 7 of 23? A hammer?

    And in the main pic, what are John and I doing? Singing a nice little aria?

  12. @Marko:

    I’ll take frost over 40F/wind/rain any day. I’d happily ride in 10F over that crap as it’s way more reasonable to regulate your heat.

    Hehe. Why do you think I wear two pairs of tights. I ride in that all winter long.

  13. @frank
    That’s not a faded yellow bracelet on your right wrist in a couple of the shots (including the main pic), is it? Because that would be very disappointing.

  14. I think we need some sort of ruling as to whether Coors qualifies as “free beer” or cruel and unusual punishment.

  15. Josh showed up to the start with bacon in his jersey and beer in his water bottles…

    I want to have Josh’s babies.

  16. Hey Marko,
    I parked next to you at TdB. Your Rule #5 commentary for my video was perfect, I’ll send you a link when I post the video. Apparently part of “Team Issaquah Climbers” needs to HTFU. We are climbers as in “rock climbers”, and are biking newbies but love Velominati’s old school, hard ass take on biking. Sorry about the seat bag, err… saddle bag :)

  17. @frank: so Josh is the anti-Reacher? cool. Great ride. Rule #9 applies to all of you (particularly since you headed off the Rule #23 infringement – It wasn’t that cold or that wet) Love the HTFU calf-tat

  18. @Bob
    I was wondering if you would reveal your identity. I ride Cougar Mountain regularly for a lack of anything longer, so perhaps we’ll cross paths one day.

    Rock climbing is a worthy sport; hard men indeed. But for the record, we are cyclists, not bikers. Bikers wear leather jackets and big beards and discuss soap operas at the bar. Or at least I am guessing that’s what they talk about. I’ve never been in a bar. I only frequent pubs.

    We look forward to seeing the video.

  19. @Bob
    Right on Bob. I too was hoping you’d show up here. You certainly set the tone (well you and Josh’s bacon and beer filled bidon) for the day and were brought up often. I’m looking forward to the video. Hopefully you guys had a decent ride that day, as decent as it could have been at least. See you around.

  20. Yes “cyclist”, my faux pas. I traded a throttle for a DA shifter, but old habits die hard. None of TIC live in Issaquah anymore, but a few of us get out to ZH once in a while, I’ll keep an eye out. Are any of Velominati going to do the Zoo Hill time trial?

  21. @Bob,
    “Biking Newbies”? Sounds like a breakfast cereal or punk rock band. I would gander that we are cyclists Bob and damn proud of it.
    Gentlemen, it was indeed good news to hear Bob parked next to one of you at the start of this ride. Velominati and their rules where good to have on the mountain.
    Rule #5 kept me sane on the decent otherwise I would have been a whimpering house eunuch such as our friends are who bailed on the ride.

  22. @Dave Westby
    “Whimpering house eunuch”?!! Brilliant. I nominate it for entry in the Lexicon – or perhaps as a note to Rule #5 (i.e. as an example of what people will call you if you do not have sufficient regard to Rule #5).

  23. @Bob
    There’s a TT up ZH? As always, I accept the shallange (anyone an Inspector Clouseau fan? The funny, pre-Steve Martin version, I mean?).

    I’m in. It’s on like Donkey-Kong.

  24. Nice, its August 17th:

    A lot of “tweaser butts” with fast times if you check out the results section.

    I believe the complete lexicon is “whimpering, coupon clipping, apron wearing house eunuch”.

    Definitely a IC fan, we’re also big on MP’s The Holy Grail

  25. Hey guys, here’s a link to the TdB video. It picks up after the first few minutes :)

    Tour de Blast is a great ride with superb scenery and lots of climbing to the Johnston Ridge Observatory, it has become a Team Issaquah Climbers classic! The weather didn’t cooperate on the 2010 edition, but riding with your friends is always a great way to spend the day!

  26. @Bob

    A cold, wet, miserable ride, but totally fun!

    Dude, you nailed it. A day on a bike with good mates (and some Velomihotties, from the looks of it), it’s never a bad thing.

    Great vid, and thanks for the shout-out. We’ll see you there next year!

    (Oh, and I registered for the Climb of Death up Zoo Hill, you bastard.)

  27. OK, who’s up for Tour de Blast 2011? I’m in, wx looks a little better than 2010. Gonna make the call on gear at the startline. Merckx willing, the destination is Johnson Ridge and back.

  28. Disappointed in myself. Cold, continuous rain in 2011 as well. Broke the will of the man, and I didn’t take the start. Forgive me Merckx, for I have sinned.

  29. When my wife is taking her Sunday afternoon nap and I’m being too lazy to go ride I like to peruse old V-Articles. I read this one again and I got pretty jealous that I wasn’t there. It seems that wet and cold isn’t nearly as wet and cold as when others, especially good friends, are there too. As they say – misery loves company. Having said that, I must call our lord and master, his Fronkness, onto the carpet. You let an entire riding season go by without some sort of (contiguous United States) cogal happening. I am deeply disturbed by this matter and want to know what you plan on doing to placate my wrath?

    On the note of Velominati riding together I plan on being in Seattle and Portland sometime within the next 30 days so somebody in a V-Kit better be around so I have a wheel to suck. I know Portland rather well since I lived there for about 11-12 years but I need some escorting in the Seattle area.

    By the way, can any PDXers tell me how late into the season they race out at PIR? If they’re still going I wouldn’t mind getting my first Cat 4 race in over there.

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