Rule #29: When is an EPMS not an EPMS?
Saddle bags have no place on a road bike, and are only acceptable on mountain bikes in extreme cases.
Saddle bags: how do we define them? Is it a saddle bag if it attaches to the seat post and the saddle, if it has a zipper, if it is leather, has two natty straps with buckles, if it swings below the saddle like bumper bollocks?
I weaned myself off a discreet EPMS after twenty-five years of use. I was not happy about transferring the contents to a rear pocket but I’m a team player so I conformed. Previous to that was the ‘core sew-up tire held under the saddle with spare toe clip strap. Back then bikes only had one bidon cage, held on with paint ruining metal clamps. The position forward of the seat tube was reserved for a silca frame pump. Some ride with a tire in a jersey pocket, but with no second bidon to bastardize, it usually had to go under the seat. At least we weren’t wearing tires around the shoulders. I’m not that old, FFS.
When I see professional cyclists out training here, they rock the EPMS. Am I going to correct Ryder, not in this life. I couldn’t catch him to start with, if I did I would be too winded to explain myself and really, why? If you ride clincher tires, with inner-tubes or sealant, one has to carry some tire levers and a spare tube, at a minimum. My custom waterproof phone/money/drivers license/inner-tube/levers/5mm allen wrench bag was a fat bastard. Getting things out of it quickly or elegantly was near impossible.
Then Lezyne came to the rescue with the waterproof mobile phone/money/card /fits in cycling jersey pocket, wallet. They actually didn’t come to the rescue, I paid retail for it but the design rescued me with its brilliance. The phone is in a safe waterproof compartment yet one can access and operate it through the clear plastic window. So all that went into my center rear pocket, but left me with a tube/levers/5mm allen key to stow, in another pocket? Nay, it’s the Lezyne caddy sack, I’m thinking this tucks under the seat, held with old toe clip strap; the clincher rider’s spare tire, without the tire. It’s a sew-up without the outer casing. It’s a nod to the old school in a nice waterproof pvc dry sack, and yes, that is crap.
What does Frank say? I believe his words will be something like “What you have here is a crude looking EPMS held under you saddle with a nasty looking old strap.” Where does he store his spare sew-up tire? I’m already abusing Rule #1, Rule #30 and now Rule #31 too. Luckily or sadly, he is many miles away probably won’t get wind of this.
[dmalbum path=”/velominati.com/content/Photo Galleries/[email protected]/EPMS/”/]
Gianni,
Do you wear white shorts as well?
@the Engine
I heard that if you switch to the studded ones then you can enjoy all the benefits of Zipp deep sections…
What is the approved MTB etiquette?
Hydration pack worse than tool-roll under the saddle worse than tool-roll in bottle cage #2?
No way I am carrying all the stuff in my jersey pockets, 29er tube, pump, levers, multi-tool, RD hanger etc… rattling around on the dirt.
MHO
If you carry spare tubes+minipump+levers+allen keys, what’s the use of a f*** mobile phone??? I think a rule is needed on the subject :-) … no phones for hardmen.
Only exception could be for Italians for the ritual Sunday, 13:00 call “Cala la pasta!” (put pasta in the boiling water, I’m coming) It means home in 12/15 min :-)
No. Just no.
Can’t quite believe it. Surely there is some way to better strap that shit up underneath the seat? It is just dangling there…
Nothing compared to all of you trainspotters out there, but if I can fit 2 tubes snaked tightly then held with electrical tape, and a pouch that holds CO2, multitool that has levers, cash/cc, key, and a fucking inhaler in ONE POCKET, you muppets can fit this shit in your back pockets too!
@Alex(K) My understanding is the Rules do not apply when we are engaged in fat tyre follies, only when we’re on a road bike.
I’m certainly inspired to get as Rules-compliant as I can on my MTB but you generally need more fixit gear off-piste than you do on-piste.
I can’t bring myself to carry the EPMS because I have this thing – its called a penis. I’m guessing EPMSers are the ones holding their wives/girlfriends/ purses in Macy’s.
Here’s Keeper Gianni photoed just before this article was written:
I have to say Gianni has some serious balls for posting this, with plenty of extra space to keep ’em in his extra sack, there.
Now then, how’s a Pedalwan supposed to react? I’m so confused. Here’s how I do it as per my interpretation of the rules – Left pocket is for a tiny neoprene pouch containing co2 & nozzle, 2 tire levers (one with a bit of duct tape wrapped around it), a bit of cash and a small multi-tool; and perhaps a snack bar. Center pocket is phone, ID and a credit card in a baggie. Right pocket is a spare tube and a mini pump and on occasion, a camera.
That’s how I do it.
@the Engine
Nah, it’s the lubricated ones that they’re not keen on – makes yer money all slippy-like.
@Gianni, Look I haven’t bothered to read all the comments and discussion on this thread first, but WTF is with that seat and seat post setup ?? Your tire/tube storage problems would seem to be the least of your concerns.
Sort it out.
I absolutely love this community. I’m in fucking tears over hear, tears of joy, pride, laughter, and anguish for my dear friend and fellow keeper, Gianni. Methinks he’s been out back in ‘the patch’ on Maui a little too long.
Frank, Bretto, Jim: What should we do about this? I say hill repeats up Haleakala for the old bugger.
I’m just a simple pedalwan. I don’t know which way is up reading this.
Stuffed pockets make you look like a man on a mission from Merckx.
I’ll just leave this here :
@titirangisi
Yeah. What @titirangisi said.
Sorry but this EPMS thing ain’t gonna fly with me. I used to carry my spare tubular under the seat with a very tidy (and quick releasing!) Zeus spare tire carrier. And yes i had one frame mounted cage so my second bottle was kept in my jersey. My seat tube had the requisite Silca (Impero?) pump (painted to match the frame color – with Campy head of course) and back then that was the way it was done. Fast forward to today – I ride clinchers and carry my tube, irons and CO2 blaster in an EPMS placed in my center jersey pocket. The twin bottle cages carry 2 bottles and under the seat is nothing – just the way God want it. Follow the rules and everything will be better.
@titirangisi
Yes!
Free yourself from the EPMS! its not that hard, I carry two tubes,two CO2’s, two levers,one nozzle, one phone, one card, one Clif bar, which I never eat unless it’s a ride over two hours cos I need to lose some weight! You have THREE pockets FFS!
I am curious about carrying a multitool on the roadie? Have any of you guys who carry one ever used it out on the road? Surely your maintenance program would render this superfluous to requirements?
As for MTB camel bak that is all.
Large caddy sack in the center jersey pocket, medium in the RH pocket…better weight distribution, room for everything.
Merckx have mercy on your soul!
@piwakawaka
Yes, I’m still fiddling with the fit and I might make slight changes while on a ride. I’ve also used it on other’s bikes as well.
Still waiting for Fränk, here, ha ha. When I mentioned considering demo’ing an SMP, he said, “I’d rather have a numb dick.” An SMP + the highly visible abuse of a perfectly good piece of kit in the service of wrecking the aesthetics of a perfectly good bike, yes, this should get an entertaining rise out of a dutch monkey.
Which was, no doubt, this Keeper’s intention all along. No doubt.
Lob a grenade and head out on the bike. Gianni has got to be taking the piss here. Keep in the bathroom mate Nobody needs to see.
@gregorio you can’t unsee stuff people, please think before you post.
@Beers
You kind of lost me at the inhaler part Spalding.
For fucks sake.
What you have there is a shit looking saddle with a shit looking EMPS. What’s worse, it’s on possibly the sexiest bike amoung the Keepers.
I’ll define a fucking saddle bag for you: anything tied to you saddle that isn’t a tubular fucking tire.
I suggest that if you want to pay homage to a tire under a saddle, that you stop fucking around and get tubulars. If you’re too sissy for that, then you don’t deserve the coolness quotient of the toe strap.
And a general note: stop carrying so much shit, people. Minimize, everything goes in the middle pocket – phone, id, cash, tube, levers, patches, mini tool. If it doesn’t fit, get smaller tools, don’t buy bigger bags.
Merckxdamnit.
Aww dammit… I’ve been vehemently defending my none use of a knackersack to my unenlightened cycling buddies and then you go and post this!
Shit the bed, I’m putting my gear in a carrier bag and hanging it from my drops next ride.
@gregorio that is beyond comprehension. why on earth if you are doing rando’s, with a giant bag on the rear of bike, do you still have pockets filled to the tilt making the jersey sag like a wet diaper?!
gianni, i take it you grew a pretty good batch of maui wowie?
@frank
On that point, I actually sized up recently to the very same sack that Gianni has hanging under his limp saddle. It fits beautifully in the back pocket and distributes the clutter of the inevitable bits (mini-tool, tube, levers, etc.) rather nicely across the pocket in order to get a flatter-against-the-back feel. The mini-pump fits nicely on top.
If you’re really paranoid about your phone staying dry and unscratched, these work really well. I put tools and a tube in the Lezyne sack in the middle pocket and phone and credit card and house key in one of these in the left pocket. I could put the phone bag inside the Lezyne, but this arrangement keeps the phone handier for route-finding. Plenty of room left over for warmers, food, etc.
Even doing fairly long rides in the PNW in all weathers I’ve yet to regret my decision to jettison the EPMS. Even on the mtb, I just wear a hydration pack of appropriate (minimal) capacity for the day’s ride.
@JACD214
The day I don’t carry it is the day I need it. It’s insurance, for me and my buddies. Mine is all in one, so good if someone twists or snaps a chain, plus I slow and ask if others on the road need help, which from time to time has come in handy.
BTW, saw your namesake street the other day…
@Marcus
Uh, asthmatic? Point being it is as large as another CO2. WTF is the Spalding reference, Poindexter?
@EricW
@Beers ” Golf courses and cemeteries…the worst wastes of prime real estate there is!!”
I love this shit…84 comments since I was out. Now let’s see the damage.
The velcro EPMS, small as it was, fell off the bike on a rather fast and winding decent years ago, and I copped a bollocking for it from the guy on my wheel, rightly so.
A small piece of knowledge was shared with me that day and it has been thus ever since…..
Cannot honestly remember the last time I’ve needed the multi-tool out on the road anyway. And i fly all over between AU and NZ repairing equipment for a living, so being prepared is kind of my thing.
@San Tonio
about fucking time this made an appearance.
Seriously Gianni, what the fucking fuck?
How much more than what’s below do you need? That zips up & goes in the middle pocket, phone goes in a jersey bin (waterproof) in a side pocket leaving that & the other side pocket free for food/clothes/whatever.
@Magilla
I was out on a longish, solo, and pretty isolated ride a couple of weeks ago, and noticed that my cleat felt funny. Turns out, it was coming off the shoe altogether. Rather pleased I had the multi-tool with me. I’ve also tightened here and there once out on the road and the bike didn’t feel/sound quite right…
What? What is this abomination? A keepers article on how to subverting Rule #29? SHAME! You are correct; what you have there IS a crude EPMS and it violates the rules regardless of definitions simply because the rule exists to ensure respect of the race machine and it’s clean lines.
Have you ever heard of a zip-loc bag? Cheap, repleaceble, water tight, light etc etc. I carry two, which when flat are in the order of 12cm by 8cm. When full they are smaller than a jersey pocket. One carries the phone/cash/card and a second carries a tube, two levers, Co2 canister and inflator and a multitool. Yes it all easily fits in and the second stays sealed up on the shelf in the garage to be slipped into the jersey before I head out.When I ride tubbies, a spare is folded in half twice and slipped into a cotton sock. This keeps it together nicely and keeps it clean and tidy.
There is no need for that ugly arocity you have there. Wake up man.
@James
Agreed. Perhaps the EPMS is to distract from the most hideous saddle ever conceived!!
@piwakawaka
I have used my mutltitool on several occasions to fettle with both my saddle height/angle and cleat position. Besides that, it gets an outting to others bikes from time to time.
I agree, this HAS to be a troll. It’s laughable to suggest that a phone, a credit card, tube, tool and a Co2 leads to “bulging pockets! Pack them properly and it all lays flat in the pocket no more than the thickness of a rolled tube.
@Mikael Liddy Sticky Pod!! I just ordered one of these. Brilliant!
@Beers
My namesake street? Quebec?
@JACD214 Nah sorry, piwakawaka…
Yuck! and BTW the old Caddy Sack was much better. The new Caddy Sacks come in two sizes…Too Small and too Large ugh!
@Rob C
It’s actually an old arm warmer that was crashed and torn up. I just used the piece that was still intact. And God I wish Castelli would sponsor my slow ass.
@frank
This.
@Gianni
Oh, like you couldn’t see this coming. “I’ll make a post about making my bike ugly as shit, and justify it by saying I need to drag a bunch of crap with me. What could possibly go wrong?” Considering the kind of freaks that hang out here…I mean…really dude?
@EricW I thought it was something like that… Now stick it in your pocket……Or get really fast. Classic.