Archive | Etiquette

Van Summerent

Look Pro, Part V: The Power of Hair

by / / 68 posts

The power of hair is not to be underestimated. Especially when it comes to having it carefully disheveled, with little bits poking out of the vents of your helmet. Indeed, hair sticking out of your helmet vents can be thought of as a conduit to The V; the strands reaching into the Ether, channeling its power like…

Katrien Van Looy

Lexicon Edit: Velominata

by / / 71 posts

Without a doubt cycling is dominated by males.  Stop for a second and make two lists.  One list including all the male  pro cyclists you can think of off the top of your head, male riding companions of yours, and other male Velominati.  On the other list, jot down all the female pro cyclists you…

Imagine this, but with white bibs or worn-out Lycra. Not good.

Don’t Be An Ass: Just Say No To Bad Lycra

by / / 86 posts

I didn’t think this article would ever need to become reality. I thought we could safely file this one in the “Obviously Not Allowed, Fucktards” bin alongside the Rules for reflectors, kickstands, and recumbents. But I stand corrected. I’ve been playing around with clever, subtle ways of phrasing this, looking for the right touch to…

tow 5

Spectating 101

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You think the riders in the Tour of Wellington are doing it tough? Spare a thought for us, the poor spectators, forced to sit in a car for hours, sun blazing through sunroof onto bald pates, made to cut Camembaert with a Swiss Army knife, compelled to drink Trappist tripel from a wine glass. It's…


On Rule 2: Cycling Sensei

by / / 62 posts

My buddy Chris wants to buy a road bike.  His primary reason for this is to improve his fitness after splitting his patella in half on a rock while skiing a couple weeks ago.   He believes that riding a bicycle, after his arduous healing process is complete, will be easy on his knees and provide…

Bobet_02 (1)

Look Pro, Part II: Casually Deliberate

by / / 158 posts

Looking Pro is a delicate art rife with paradox and enigma. Aesthetics in a sport as difficult as cycling is itself a contradiction; surely anything wrought with such suffering should be driven by function and function alone. Yet cyclists are both some of the hardest people in sport and the most vain. For a cyclist…

Obree in the initial stages of innovation. Photo via

Breaking the Rules: Graeme Obree

by / / 71 posts

I’m going to let you in on a little secret. Innovation is ugly, inelegant. By it’s very definition, it is carried out with almost a kind of contempt for The Rules. With no regard for aesthetics, it is a domain ventured into by the casually courageous and mentally frail. It comes in fits and starts,…

T-Bone gives the Metal Horns; Photo: Roberto Bettini

Universal Message: Metal Horns = Awesome!

by / / 50 posts

It’s funny how malleable our definition of “local” becomes when emotion gets involved.  Seattle is a fiercely independent town where “local” is meant to imply your immediate neighborhood and we struggle to consider people who inhabit a community less than a kilometer away to be little less than an étranger. On the other hand, I have yet to meet a cyclist in…

Lino Lacedelli and Achille Compagnoni at the summit of K2 in 1954. Photo: K2: Challenging The Sky

Doping: The Acceptability of a Method

by / / 60 posts

Performance-enhancing methods. This is a term we hear so often in cycling; it refers to the practice of using products or processes that elevate your performance beyond what you could naturally do. It is a terribly complicated matter for the fans, and I can only speculate as to how complicated it is for the professionals…

Certified hardman and aesthete, the Swiss rider Hugo Koblet.

The Cycling Aesthete

by / / 35 posts

There are those who are challenged to find the value of aesthetics in a sport which requires eating 11T cogs buttered with chain oil for breakfast and drinking kegs of Rule #5 at dinner. Ye of the Congoscenti, I present you with the following photos of some of the quintessential hardmen of our sport who…

Schleck suffers a dramatic mechanical which results in the loss of his Yellow Jersey

We Are Not Animals

by / / 57 posts

Of all people, a Velominatus knows that our sport is a civilized one; it is steeped in tradition and etiquette and rife with unwritten rules. High on the list of unwritten rules are those that outline acceptable behavior when various hardships befall the leader of a Grand Tour. One of the reasons such rules exist is…

Question: What would Jens Do?  Answer: HTFU.

A Cyclists Companion: Fear of Crashing

by / / 61 posts

I thought I was the only one.  It was a truth I admitted to myself only in the darkest hours of the night, when you lie awake and are faced by those haunting thoughts that are otherwise whisked away before they float to the surface. But now, I can say it: I am afraid of crashing. Especially…

Class 5 Rule Breaker

Being a Good Ambassador: Obey the Rules

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As enthusiasm for The Rules has been growing, we’ve been having a lot of fun watching the conversation take shape and go in directions we didn’t necessarily expect it to. You have the Geof’s and the Jarvis’s who defend them honorably and even compare cycling to a religion. Fittingly, you then also have the Opus…

The Eurotrash Hublot Teammachine SLT01

On Rule 12

by / / 34 posts

If you've been paying close attention to my posts on other Keeper articles lately perhaps you've noticed my stable has been in a state of flux. It all started when Frank texted me a pic of a pair of used demo 404's at his LBS for sale. Well no, that's not true. It really started 10…


Rouleur, Issue 16

by / / 23 posts

Getting each new copy of Rouleur is almost a religious experience. It is printed on heavy paper, and has a particular smell about it; the pages are printed with a mat finish, so the heavy, rough pages feel a certain way in your hands as you turn them. There is no other periodical that I'm…

Hands up, who'd like a white coat?

There’s a couple of ‘roos loose in the top paddock…

by / / 16 posts

What’s going on in Cadel’s head?  Maybe the intense heat of Spain has melted his synapses, which were already near breaking point, or perhaps it’s just the realisation that he is never going to win a Grand Tour of any kind, not even the third-tier race he’s currently gracing with his comedic ramblings. His latest routine…


Can I Nod Snob a Kid?

by / / 85 posts

I am a nod snob.  The fact is, I’m a bit of a cycling snob all-around.  I am not a “biker” and I do not “like to bike”.  I am a cyclist and I like to ride.  What’s more, as I outlined before, there are very loosely defined parameters under which I will bestow a…

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