Haleakala Sufferfest 2007

Haleakala Sufferfest 2007

by / / 26 posts

Maui has the longest and highest continual climb in the world, sea level to 10,000′ in 36 miles with an average gradient of 6%. It’s a wonderful, underused climb because great as the road surface, temperature, and views are, Maui is well off the route for most cyclists. I did this ride 20 years ago on my trusty steel Bella, 42 x 23 gear with no helmet, wearing a wife-beater cotton shirt (to stay cooler) and lycra non-bib shorts. And toe clips!

I felt lucky to pull it off back then, as at 200 pounds I’ve never been, nor will ever be a climber, but stubbornness and an appetite for suffering can conquer all. It was a suffer-fest. I was so dazed at the summit I nearly knocked my wife out cold by closing the car hatch on her head. And I swore I’d never do it again – but in 2007 at age 52 I found myself living on Maui with a Merlin, 39 x 26 gearing-everything upgraded and improved -except the main power plant. The body was not lighter or improved or upgraded in any way. I dared to wonder if this escapade was repeatable, or worth repeating. What follows comes from my notes, rendered immediately afterward, from bed.

To climb I must descend to the coast and spin along the coast towards the town of Paia, the unofficial starting point. The dawn patrol surfers at Ho’okipa are sitting on their boards in the early morning light waiting for the next swell. Early in the morning is a nice time to be cycling on Maui. Too bad I never do it. Paia is where it all starts. This dusty ex-sugar town is just waking up, cars and trucks going all directions. At the single light in the middle of town, a left turn puts me on Baldwin Avenue and the UP begins.

Baldwin Avenue is a curvy climb of a road that departs the coast and works up the lowest flanks of Haleakala. Sugarcane fields eventually give way to pineapple fields; it’s a narrow winding road I’ve ridden up many times over many years. Already the voice in my head is full of doubts, no off switch available. But the legs feel good, it’s not hot yet, and it is a perfect day to be doing something this crazy. It’s unfortunate for me that climbing is a solo activity. I climb at my speed, I can’t keep up with faster people and I hate climbing more slowly than my limit. There is nothing for it.

1000′

The body is on autopilot so the brain freewheels away. “Did Britney really carve 666 on her shaved skull? Oh Britney, what the hell happened to you? Did you get dropped on your dome when you were a baby?” I work on The Unified Field Theory a bit, note the need for gun massage; “Swedish massage, man, I need Swedish massage, not Danish or Finnish, it must be Swedish…” and my hump, my hump, my lovely lady hump song loops around and around. It could be worse- my brain is a sponge early in the morning, easily soaking up the worst radio nonsense and torturing me with it throughout the day.

Makawao is next, a cowboy town, or used to be -but it still works that cowboy thing. Baldwin Road turns into Olinda Road. You don’t really know how the legs are until you do the 18% grade out of Makawao. I take it as easy as possible, saving the guns.

Large horse and cattle pastures replace the cropland. Hawaii is so beautiful that what I am seeing could be one long color saturated hallucination.

The single flat section of the whole ride lasts about two minutes. It also contains one hill that the pods of  “downhill” riders have to walk up. Riding down the volcano is big business on Maui. Scores of vans loaded with tourists and fat-tired bikes trundle to 10,000′ and an experienced leader guides them down to Paia. Said guide keeps everyone safe, slow and alive (ugh, no thanks).

2000′

The pastoral back road dumps me onto the Haleakala Highway, the two-lane ribbon that takes everyone all the way to the summit. The fun truly begins here as the grade increases, rising through more pasture and the first of the shady fragrant eucalyptus groves. Ahhhhh, sweet sweet shade, I love thee. All this has been ridden before so I can turn the volume of the doubting voice way down.

3000′

The route tours through Upper Kula residential neighborhood. Beautiful hedges of Technicolor flowers flash on the right. Every other vehicle heading up is a commercial van loaded with people about to get on rented bikes and coast down 37 miles. Cowards.

I turn left up onto Haleakala Crater Road. More nice homes and a lavender field appears, stunning, purple and out of place. I ride through the last of the eucalyptus groves, the last decent shade, then I’m above tree line into huge open swaths of cattle range above all towns and neighborhoods. The road starts a long series of looping slightly banked switchbacks. Simple numeric calculations have become rife with mistakes: “I passed that 3500′ sign at least 20 minutes ago, that means at 6mph I…was that 3500’or 4000′ ?” The unified field theory is a distant memory.

4000′

The snap is gone from the legs, nothing but mindless slogging upward, 6mph. When I get to 5000′, that’s halfway (jesus, I’m doomed) “Take it mile by mile,” the doubting voice consoles me, could this be the exit strategy?

5000′

Traffic really dropping off, occasional downhillers coasting down, I make no eye contact with them. Severe doubt is entering the mind. “I’m old, maybe I really can’t do this kind of stunt. Bail by 6000′, call it over. Plan beers anyway. Shit, that’s only the 5500′ marker, not 6000′.”  This slog is crawling, barely halfway, not good.

Broom wagon provides more liquid for Mr. Sweats Too Much. I see myself in the car mirror, massive puffy sweaty face, not pretty. OK, this is one reason (of many) I’m no pro- this is killing me. On the razor’s edge of nausea, drinking unholy electrolyte, forcing down 1st gel. Oye, shoot me in the face.

6000′

The road traverses across the flank of the volcano. There is respite from the sun as it climbs into more woods. Clouds form above, barely any wind, ideal conditions for a better rider.

7000′

I stop at the ranger station where I have to pay $5 for this nonsense. Guns still feel useful, surprisingly. This could work. Wrists, feet, back- all starting to complain. Drop into the 23, stand up, ride out of saddle, shift to 26, stay in saddle. Clouds above; I ride into a weird quiet cloud world. Visibility is 30′ just like my brain. Too wasted to taunt downhill riders. Zero math skills. I cannot figure the miles left from the mile marker at the ranger station.

8000′

OK, 8000′, I’m doing this mother, any pussy can do 2000′ of climbing. Truly lost in the fog. Is this steep? No, not bad. Four-plus hours of the slog, 5 mph, up to 7 mph once in while. More evil drink solution is taken on. I’m still on razor’s edge of puking something back up. More fog, arm and leg hair all dewy, ice warning sign on the road- I’m glad that’s not a problem today. Legs are still delivering force to the pedals. Is it getting lighter up there? Have I missed the 9000 feet sign in the fog? Maybe the lazy park service people didn’t put one up? Bastards, I will punish them…

9000′

Sunlight- blue, brown, white; I’m riding up out of the clouds like a diver coming to the surface in turbid water. The colors are stunning.

Above the clouds, the 9000′ sign finally goes by. All righty then. Who can’t do 1000′ of climbing? System showing signs of going to failure. Is that Mauna Loa or Mauna Kea on the Big Island? I’m climbing above the sea of white clouds.

This is killing me.

Brown volcanic tuff everywhere. A few silver sword plants (not flowering) thrive up here, nothing else green, just uniform brown brown.

Let this end. Truly smoked, I have earned my pints and pizza. There is the broom wagon driver-photographer-wife urging me up to parking lot and shooting some photos, oh these should be winners…

Swing into lot, dismount, it’s over, but at what cost? An outrageous panorama, air very dry, I’m finally almost dry and warm but so toasted. And I swear I’ll never do that again.

// Nostalgia // The Rides

  1. Yes! Beautiful post. I remember getting this as an email fresh of the keys in 2007 and thinking: there must be an outlet for such tales of glory. Blessed be the Velominati (and also anyone who buys them pints).

  2. @jim
    Thanks JT. If you want to come out and do this ride on your fixie I’ll hand up bottles and buy the pints. You would kill this climb and it would be a good chance to dry out your cycling gear.

    And yes, this Velominati is a great forum to rant about one’s guns and what a rubbish rider someone is, and past tales of greatness(or not).

  3. A masterpiece. John, you have come far in your few short months amongst the Velominati. You have passed the trials and are ready to take on a learner.

    If Jim climbs this brute on his fixie, well, I don’t even know what I would do, but it would be really, really embarrassing so as to sufficiently show my respect for the accomplishment.

  4. @frank
    I have studied under the Master.
    Luckily I have done other dumb things on two wheels that may be worthy of Velominati. As for JTIII, if he comes over I will keep him in the brewpubs and away from the Crater road. Him doing that ride would be bad for all of us.

  5. Fun post. Bravo! I only wish I had roads like that around me so I could truly see how much I’m not worthy.

  6. @Marko
    So humble! I fully expect you to be John’s Learner by the time you make your pilgrimage to Italia this Spring. Your tales will will carry you into the deepest reaches of the Velominati Archives of Awesomeness.

  7. @Marko
    Oh yes, Like Frank said, the Dolomites could be your playground, a good place to generate some stories of suffering and shame.

    I’m jealous of you. I’d rather see Italy/Giro than France/TdF myself. Italian Awesomeness, yes please.

  8. Humility and hubris are the same in that they both can only be learned from exprience. Experience is what I lack in cycling which is why it’s fun to live vicariously through the velominati. We’ll see how my ego feels after the Gavia. I’d be happy with a sense of accomplishment.

  9. Nice climb – nice read. Cool story.

    Reminds me a bit of climbing Hurricane Ridge here in the Seattle area.

  10. @Marko
    Holy Shiet, the Gavia! That will be a good-un. I’ve seen some of it from some Giro coverage, going up one side is as wide as a golf cart path, a really nasty upward tilting golf cart path. Once again, jealous feelings. I look forward to reports. Always bring a vest. That’s my sage advice for the day.

  11. @Dan O
    Hurricane Ridge, I drove up it. Does that count for anything. I was hungover from a bad halloween party in Port Townsend and I do remember it being steep and unrelenting. Wife had to take a nap in the car at the top instead of hike, bless her.

    I bet it is steeper than Haleakala. No thanks. Sounds like the Gavia. Get Marko out there for practice.

  12. @john

    @Marko

    I second John’s advice: if you do one thing and one thing only – it should be bring a vest. Forget your bike before you forget your vest. Going down always sounds easy and fun (and it is fun) but going down is hard work, and it’s cold as hell. Which, ironically, is not cold. But descending is very cold. Not warm at all.

  13. @Dan O
    I’ve heard people say that Hurricane Ridge is really busy, but I simply have to make that ride. Disgraceful that I haven’t yet.

  14. @frank
    I have learned the vest lesson the hard way and and I always jam a vest in my jersey pocket unless it is hot out. The weight penalty is negligible and the windproofing is fucking magic, lifesaving. Long ago I watched my wife jam a discarded cardboard fruit crate under her jersey before a descent, insane looking yet that’s the desperate lengths people will go to survive a descent. Fashion goes right out the window.

  15. Good advice seeing how I probably won’t have any Tifosi to hand me a newspaper to cram up my jersey.

  16. @Marko
    You never know, you could have some crazy fucking butt-naked Italian running alongside you with a Gazzetta. That would be pretty cool and worthy of note.

    Speaking of newspapers, when I was in France in 2003, my trip spanned the entire Tour and I picked up at least one copy of l’Equipe every day. They’re all in a box now and it was a hassle to bring them all home, but I’m super stoked I have them. Plus I got some extras on the cool days just cuz. I recommend you do the same. And pick me up a copy, too!

  17. @john
    Although I’ve been to the Tour twice, I agree wholeheartedly about the Giro being way cooler. Better race, more exciting, better climbs.

    Italy is a better country to race around than France. 3/4 of France is flat. They always have this huge logistical nightmare to get into interesting terrain. Italy, on the other hand, has bad-ass shit everywhere. Very cool.

  18. @Frank, John….

    Hurricane Ridge is an awesome ride – have done it twice, both times with coworker riding pals. It’s basically a 17 mile climb – hard, but not really a death march. Super climber I’m not and I enjoyed it.

    Last time I rode it, 2 or 3 years ago, hit on a weekday – no crowds at all. Well worth a vacation day off work. I’ve driven up it as well on weekends, more people for sure. First time I rode up it, was at least 15 years ago. It was a Sunday in October. Summer crowds gone, no fee, little traffic – nice fall day.

    It’s in our backyard – well worth the ride.

  19. @Dan O
    That sounds like a great climb. I’m going to make a point to hit that this spring.

  20. What a great post. Wonder how I missed it before now. We just don’t have that kind of ride down this way. Lots and lots and lots of hills, many of which are brutish steep, but nothing that requires 4+ hours of constant suffering. More Ardennes than Gavia. I need to get me to Hawaii – or France – or Italy …

  21. Oh, how I love the “Recent & Random Articles” function! Always a new treat to discover, even after months of sitting in here. Was on Maui in Sept. for my 10th wedding anniversary. No riding, but man, what sweet, sweet roads! I was drooling out the window, dear wife just shaking her head… From what I can tell as a mainlander malihini but frequent visitor to the islands, Maui’s got the others beat by a mile for road riding. No wonder Red Ryder winters there. I’m up for a Cogal on Maui No Ka Oi, just name the date!

    PS awesome article, Gianni.

  22. Aloha Gianni! I have finally read your post. Great read and best describes the climb through 1,000′ gains. If you should ever unswear and decide to do the whole thing again, give me a shout. I haven’t done the whole route in over a decade. Whenever I start to break Rule #5 climbing the switchbacks, I think about the guy from Aspen, who rode the whole thing on a unicycle.http://www.mauinews.com/page/content.detail/id/506856/One-wheel-wonder.html

  23. Well, the numbers are high, but this climb is not the longest or highest.
    If you are looking for a real challenge: Paso Chungará to Tambo Quemado in the Andes is 240 km and 4660 m (15300 ft) to climb. The road is completely paved. I’ve never done this on and probably never will. And there might be even more challenging continuous climbs in the Andes.

    But anyway: Chapeau! Strong performance! My longest climb was the Stelvio with 24.6 km and 1844 m.

  24. Aww man, just saw this on the random articles list & it looks like the article itself has disappeared in to the ether…Merckx-Dammit

  25. @Mikael Liddy

    Thanks for the head’s up. Restored.

  26. @frank Mahalo.

    @Gianni beautifully put together report & from the sounds of things, this is a lot closer to the experience I’d go through if I were ever dumb enough to try such a thing!

Leave a Reply

Skip to toolbar