The Cycle of Style
There are two ways in life to be good at something. The first way is the most obvious, which is to actually be good at something. This is harder than it sounds because you need things like skills, talent, fortitude, and light sabers. The other way doesn’t require those things but it has its own challenges; basically, you have to be holistically awful at the sort of levels that make all the suck turn inside out on itself until it becomes awesome. American Flyers did that, and the fashion industry routinely uses this principle to their advantage, regurgitating fads and styles first as kitschy retro cool and then tricking us into thinking it actually looks good.
Cycling has happily been immune to this because our aesthetics were driven by function first through advances in technology; never in our history have we been so advanced that we felt the inclination to revert a step or two simply for the novelty of going backwards. The Velominatus may well be inclined to look to steel frames and three-cross box-section wheelsets for their durability and ride quality, but that is a luxury that we as amateurs enjoy without the demands of racing at the top level of our sport where events are won by fractions of percents gained through marginal advances in technology.
But apparently we’ve reached the stage now where Cycling style is being influenced by kids helmets and skateboard attire. I went for a ride with a good friend a few weeks back who was riding in Giro’s new baggy line of clothing. It flopped around like a sail in the wind generated by our own speed, and basically sent him backwards in the breeze that was blowing in along the coast. It looked good in the café before the ride, I have to admit, but last time I checked, Cycling clothing was supposed to be designed for Looking Fantastic while riding, not while sipping a doppio macchiato. (But let’s not understate the importance of looking good while sipping an espresso. We are not animals.)
And the helmets. There are accounts supported by doctored photographs floating around the internet of me wearing an ugly helmet, something I categorically deny ever happened. Nevertheless, let the record show that the lids the Pros are wearing these days are an abomination of style, culture, aesthetics, and progress. My Aeon is so light that I had to put on a few extra pounds just to make sure it doesn’t carry me off when I go outside. And guess what? It’s actually well-ventilated which means my sweet shades don’t fog up when I climb like the Evade makes them do. (Theoretically, of course. Because those photos are fakes.) And speaking of shades, I’m wearing a pair of Oakleys with photosensitive lenses that go from completely clear to black anodized depending on the light conditions. Also well-ventilated. That’s progress right there.
Riding a bike wearing an ice bucket on your head in baggy shorts and shirts with aviator sunglasses isn’t fashion forward, it’s Cycling – the most aesthetically independent sport in history – taking its cues from kids who think a long skateboard is an effective way to navigate through traffic. There may well be white space in the market for it, but that doesn’t mean it needs to be filled. We are the Velominati and we have standards, for Merckx’s sake.
Oh, and seriously, enough with the fucking beards. Rule #50, people. Sometimes you’ve just got to stand up and say we look like hell and I’m not gonna take it any more!
Interesting that there is no mention of the rumored POC. I dont have as much of an issue with the Evade as I do with the POC.
I assumed the POC was what he was discussing. I think both of them are pretty ugly. But if people enjoy wearing them, that’s their business.
I got an Aeon a couple of years ago and love it. It’s not going to levitate me, at least not until I drop some weight, but it is super light and ventilatory. And white.
You know who’s wearing a beard these days? Bradley Wiggins that’s who. Because he can fucking grow one, that’s why. Go Brad.
Talking on clashes in style my LBS has the latest big S bikes in near Celeste. That’s just not right. Bianchi should issue them a cease and desist. It might not be exactly Celeste but based on Big S interpretation of “near Allez” it’s close enough by their own standards!
Good one @frank. Imagine how much faster these guys could have gone if they were not wearing blue leisure suits. By they way, this descent is a fucking blast on a sorted road bike.
Long live the beard!
POC – Profoundly Offensive Cycling-wear. And while we are on the topic. Whats the general feeling on the overuse of fluro these days? Entire kit’s designed for seizure inducing among the peleton is the only real benefit I can conjure.
@Teocalli +1
@Nate
Those guys are nuts. We see a group on Maui doing hair-raising descents. They are fast too, no brakes, silent, all of a sudden there is someone right near you on a descent. It is unnerving.
@DCR
I don’t mind the fluro, it goes with the general cyclists as billboard aesthetic. The Sidi fluro and white shoes, sweet.
@Nate That’s just crazy stuff right there. With a bike you have way more control over things and better stability. I’m amazed they bothered to wear helmets as taking a tumble would, at the very least, mean weeks in intensive care.
BTW, the guy in the car must have crapped himself when he saw those two madmen in his rear view mirror.
I get really chapped with the Buddy Holly shades, be it the white or some offensive shade of neon, I despise them.
Wait… Are you a one helmet man then?
I have a question regarding Oakley Frogskins… WTF is with using them for actual riding? I am seeing more and more, and am not sure if Hermione put some kind of time shift spell on my ass to get back for the kilometers versus miles comment in the Seattle cogal.
I have a really nice LG lid which was fantastic until I fell off the MTB one and cracked it. Haven’t managed to a find a fantastic replacement for it.
Was that Kramer in the mop video?
@Gianni, @wiscot
They do two runs. Fast, too, about 3:15 or 55km/h, not a lot slower than I do it on a bike. The average grade is -9%. I guess they can get really low, but having no brakes is batshit.
Last weekend on another favorite descent I started smelling rubber. I shortly came upon an idiot hipster on a fixie, trying to stay slow going down an 8-10% twisty grade with one foot planted atop his front tire.
Frank, he must be a very good friend indeed. I can just imagine the look of horror on your face when you showed in Velominati’s finest, and he was dressed baggy style. That you still rode with him speaks volumes for the strength of your friendship.
http://www.giro.com/ca_en/products/men/apparel/insulated-vest.html
From Back to the Future, when they all though he was coast guard due to that damned vest:
Stella: So tell me, Marty, how long have you been in port?
Marty: Excuse me.
Stella: Yeah, I guessed you’re a sailor, aren’t you, that’s why you wear
that life preserver.
Marty: Uh, coast guard.
I love this shot, yeah helmets both aero and none, are getting pretty bad. I think the Rudy helmet with the spoiler on the back is pretty silly too, but at least it has vents. and that abomination from Poc dear god, I am a little dude and helmets already look funny on me, I can’t imagine what that thing would look like. the beards don’t bother me as long as they stay close to face, i.e. no grizzly adams action. I can’t grow one anyway
I think people sometimes confuse style with class. Style can be good or bad and rather subjective (my VMH and I have an ongoing debate on where exactly my waist is located in reference to pants). Class is eternal. Coppi always looked fucking awesome because he had class which never goes out of style.
Rule #50?!? Ahahah…
Just joking of course.
think I watched American Flyer about a million times. Have to find it on DVD, or will it be awful?
@Wah-Balls I have it on DVD & it is all kinds of awesome. Once you’ve got it up, keep it up!! I regularly rotate that, Breaking Away, & A Sunday in Hell
Back in the mid 80s after a nasty collision with a car door, I wore a helmet while racing. Not training mind, racing. I think it was an IEG or something. It was a white plastic track helmet with some vents (holes) in it and a kind of padded infrastructure. Pretty compact and not too hideous. Way better than the one in the lead photo! In terms of effectiveness, it probably wasn’t that great, but this was before the Giro Air Attack came out. Once those arrived, I got one.
@Pedale.Forchetta
That Giant Shimano kit really is one of the best looking ones I’ve seen in a long time. Not too garish or fussy, not too many logos. Just . . . right.
@Ccos
100 per cent agree with that, class is permanent.
@wiscot I’m with you, and I personally like their bike too.
MASH Transit
@PeakInTwoYears
The jury is out on POC. Their sunglasses, the jury is not out on, although their model this year is better than what Ryder was wearing last year. But their helmet is an example of pushing forward with design and safety. Sure, we think its ugly but I thought Ergo shifters were ugly too at one point. Maybe I’ll keep thinking its ugly and maybe it actually is but I’ll try one first and then let you know.
It’s the step backwards to hollowed-out bowling balls that gets my ire up.
@marko
Did you just use Pippi Longstockings as a justification for a Rule Violation? And you call yourself a Keeper.
@Gianni
I’m with my boy Gianni here, not minding the Flouro and Hardy. Mostly because Cippo is the one who brought it back. And if its done tastefully, then I’m good. Except when Cippo is involved in which case I’d be disappointed if it was done tastefully.
Tried to post this in The Rules last night but it seems relevant to Frank’s rant about baggy gear kit and wrong helmets. Angus hasn’t entirely brought into the rules and is rocking camo baggies along with the full face lid. Ed may not be in cycling specific kit but he cares a lot about looking fantastic. Either way, they’ve both got a bit of pace.
@frank — LOVE the UHF reference/clip.
Nice work, Frank!
I see more and more form over function Bad Ideas out of roadies these days. It’s like all the fixie and bmx folks have gotten tired of cyclocross and road riding is cool to them, but not so cool they’ll wear Lycra and cycling-specific shades. It’s fucking weird.
What is also weird – if I wear a YJA for commuting I suddenly feel as if I’m trying to be cool, not just to avoid getting run over. Neon is fucking everywhere these days.
“Holy fuck, wheredya get that totally awesome neon jacket, I want one!”
“This isn’t an awesome jacket. It’s a YJA.”
Every time I see a beard, I see Belov.
Having one could have some merit;
@unversio very nice kit.
@marko yeah, and he can also win the TdF. That gives him license to have a little facial hair!
Far be it from me to call into question the grooming habits of a TdF winner. I just can’t imagine riding with a beard if it’s not winterish.
Another who can’t take the POC. Find it ironic that the people I know who’ve bought an air attack start to describe it by noting how hot it is if you’re not moving. No thanks.
i can go with the beard for winter only – kept me riding through snow and single digits this year, loved coming in to the season with some miles in the legs. Gone the moment Spring hit…..
@Nate
That is so intensively Northern California it makes me resent my parents for moving us out of the area when I was a kid. I could have grown up [sic] to wear a powder blue suit and ride a longboard at 90km/hr. Or I could have died.
Looks like a big fun on a bike.
Peakin – living fast and dangerously in a blue suit or death. Which is paramount?
@Pedale.Forchetta
He might be a German in which case I’m not telling him what to do because last time we tried they they invaded our country.
@Nate That’s friggen looney tunes. The sky blue suits are perfect. Hootin’ while handing off the camera back and forth. I presume a cyclist could get down the hill quicker (?) but dang these guys were flying.
@PeakInTwoYears
And with all the marginal gains hooey that Sky is always blathering about, I’m sure he’s been told just how many watts it’s costing him.
Some seem to be under the misapprehension that cycling is a form of transport.
A particularly devious form of this heresy is the “coffee ride”, where cycling is a way of getting to and from a cafe. That leads to all kinds of evil like clothes that look good in a cafe but not on a bike, and then, at some point shoes you can actually walk in.
@DCR
Huh. I thought it was Piece Of Crap but I’ll go with your version!
http://youtu.be/KJkLH4uZ73M
Long time reader, first time poster. I felt this was relevant.
The beards I can sort of deal with, but they look weird.
The aero helmets upset, but I have to look at them if I want to watch any bike races, so I am learning to cope.
The stupid sunglasses anger me.
The baggy clothes are completely fucking unacceptable. If anybody ever shows up to ride with me wearing that shit I will ride away without saying a word.
Is #21 Luca Paolini’s dad?
@Cogfather
This is a fact. But when you sell this to other people, you have to be very careful because of the suck-turned-on-itself factor to become awesome. On the surface of it, this is one shitty ass movie. But it is SOOO awesome.
Breaking Away, on the other hand, is a masterpiece and if someone – even a non-cyclist – doesn’t like it, they are probably either a zombie or a vampire.
@chippendale_rider
That is very funny. I recommend it unreservedly.
+1 for -beards.