Lars-Ulrich-bw-630-80

Jan VS Lars

Jan VS Lars

by / / 93 posts

It’s funny what goes through your head at 3am when you’re woken by a cat. Especially if that cat’s name is Lars, and he was named after the Metallica drummer (not by me, he’s my VMH‘s cat). I prefer to call him Jan though, as Jan has always been my favourite Ullrich. So last night Lars woke me up, and unable to get back to sleep I got to thinking: who really is the most awesome Ullrich, and what kind of battles would Jan and Lars have to fight out to win naming rights for a cat? It’s a complex place, my brain at 3am.

wasp

We know that these consumate professionals put maximum effort into their chosen fields of expertise. And that they probably put a lot of substance in, too. Jan was always on the job for much longer than Lars; I’ve never heard of Metallica doing six hour gigs without a break between songs, for three weeks at a time. And how hard can drumming really be? I reckon Lars is faking it. And his shirt’s still buttoned. Inhaling a Wasp: Jan wins.

2.bild copy

Oh, how the mistakes of your past catch up with you. The innocence and exuberance of youth can manifest itself in ways we later look back on and shudder with that sinking feeling of “what was I thinking?” But a good mullet outdoes a bad perm/highlight any day. Lars wins (or loses).

0,,591006_4,00 copy

Who doesn’t love a bit of adulation? It might seem like Lars has a bigger captive audience here, but I bet Jan passed a hundred thousand fans on his way to the line that day alone. None of them had to pay $150 for the privilege either. Do I even need to mention how badass that jersey is? And who gives their fans the middle finger? Jan wins, and wins big.

wives

Fame and fortune can trump ordinary looks in a heartbeat. And when it comes to stepping out on the red carpet, having a beautiful woman on your arm is mandatory. Both our heroes have done exceptionally well for themselves in the wife stakes, though Jan made sure he had the height advantage. I don’t think Lars will be complaining though. Let’s call it a draw.

ullrich-beer12 copy

We like to party, party! Jan doesn’t mind putting away a few pints in the off season, and when he’s sufficiently lubed, well, sometimes things can get out of hand. I mean, who hasn’t been to Oktoberfest, dressed in ridiculous shorts, puffy shirts and flowery braces, downed a dozen Schofferhofers, dropped a couple of tabs then driven the Porsche into a bike rack? Lars, on the other hand, just couldn’t keep up the pace and ended up in rehab on a diet of chocolate milk shakes… and he couldn’t even keep them down. Rock and Roll my arse. Jan wins.

And then there’s this…

madeleine1

// Versus

  1. @frank right you are, I just assumed it was pre-crash because there seemed to be very little marking on his jersey.

  2. @frank

    @Ken Ho

    For those who still think that a comparison between tape trading and Napster is valid, you might want to consider this
    http://thetrichordist.com/2012/11/20/lars-was-first-and-lars-was-right/
    Tape trading was an asset to the industry, Napster and co wiped it out.
    Otherwise, yes, Lars is an arrogant little cocksucker, but since when was that a bad thing ?
    You have to have some shit in you if you want to break the mould and do something different in the world. I’ll bet 4/5 of people putting shit on him are prisoners in a cubiclesomewhere or flipping burgers.
    Lars for the win.

    I wish I’d seen this before I watched Some Kind of Monster. I’d have a couple hours of my life back.

  3. @frank No question Stevie Ray was the best!!!

  4. @Cyclops

    I saw AC/DC with Bon Scott in the ’70s and didn’t even know who they where. They were just some band opening for Aerosmith. They kicked Aerosmith’s arses right off the stage. Then EVERYBODY knew who they were.

    Me too, AC/DC opened for Johnny Winter in Portland in the 70s. Again, no one had heard of them. Jesus they sucked, their sound was rubbish. Fucking hacks, sorry, they were.

  5. Ah yes, very funny, but if you actually bother to read the actual transcript of Lars’ Senate testimony, you might find that he was more concerned about the effect on music industry at large, including the income of large numbers of pele like recording engineers, producers, session guys, retail workers and a whole bunch of others,  than he was about his personal wealth.

    Depicting James, who has written large numbers of deep and socially significant lyrics throughout his long and stellar career, as a Neanderthal, was a clever propaganda tactic, but hardly fair or accurate.

    Whoever posted that link is clearly a sucker for the kind of cheap propaganda war that Napster waged, and still regurgitating the same rubbish a decade later.  Meanwhile, music retail has been wiped out, artists are starving, and Lars has been proved to be dead right in every way. Still selling out, every night they play, stadiums and festival headlines.

    Its sad that we have this tendency to tear down populaR people.  In Australia we call it the “tall poppy syndrome”.   Don’t dare to dream, and if you do, don’t dare to succeed.

  6. @Ken Ho

    Gianni, I’m still alive. I had my plate removed a week ago, but I was back on my cruiser an hour after I gooutcome from day surgery. Working in a mining zone, got elbow shaved by a wide load with a massive machine on the back, that was fun, not. Mirrors really are a good idea. Suck it, Fronk.

    Fitness is a bit spotty, too much work, moved to an acreage on a hill, so lots of work, and lots of hill climbs. Got a bit fat over the last year, trying to trim down.

    Ah Ken, good to see you again. Didn’t know about you trying to kill a truck, good to hear you are on the road to recovery. Good luck with your Jan (1 month pre Tour) problem.

  7. @wiscot Tell me you wouldn’t hate-fuck Man Coulter. (that’s who that is, right?)

    As for the Ulrichs; Metallica died to me at the Black Album and Lars has always been a douche. Jan, mostly a bride’s maid but always fun to watch. Can’t say I miss those days much though in cycling but then again hindsight is 20/20.

    I do get a kick out of the image of Bretto scouring the googles for similar images of the two and then pasting them together at 3 in the morning with a cat on his lap while his VMH was asleep. Soft white glow of computer screen, no shirt, peering over his glasses, ashtray at his side, giggling.That’s funny.

  8. @Ken Ho

    Ah yes, very funny, but if you actually bother to read the actual transcript of Lars’ Senate testimony, you might find that he was more concerned about the effect on music industry at large, including the income of large numbers of pele like recording engineers, producers, session guys, retail workers and a whole bunch of others, than he was about his personal wealth.

    Depicting James, who has written large numbers of deep and socially significant lyrics throughout his long and stellar career, as a Neanderthal, was a clever propaganda tactic, but hardly fair or accurate.

    Whoever posted that link is clearly a sucker for the kind of cheap propaganda war that Napster waged, and still regurgitating the same rubbish a decade later. Meanwhile, music retail has been wiped out, artists are starving, and Lars has been proved to be dead right in every way. Still selling out, every night they play, stadiums and festival headlines.

    Its sad that we have this tendency to tear down populaR people. In Australia we call it the “tall poppy syndrome”. Don’t dare to dream, and if you do, don’t dare to succeed.

    fuck that. Dave Matthews released “Everyday” on Napster before it was released to the public, and they’re still selling out their shows 12 years later (including The Gorge Amphitheater every Labor day, 3 shows), and selling plenty of and making new albums. It was a way for bands with little to no $$ to get heard and tour. The real losers from this were the record companies which took more of the royalties than the bands got. The real money is in touring, which requires the bands to be heard.

    (nothing personal Ken).

  9. @Gianni

    @Cyclops

    I saw AC/DC with Bon Scott in the ’70s and didn’t even know who they where. They were just some band opening for Aerosmith. They kicked Aerosmith’s arses right off the stage. Then EVERYBODY knew who they were.

    Me too, AC/DC opened for Johnny Winter in Portland in the 70s. Again, no one had heard of them. Jesus they sucked, their sound was rubbish. Fucking hacks, sorry, they were.

    Merckx bless you, sir, I’ve always felt the same. A-melodic, harsh yet banal, appealing strongly to the dumbest slice of life, and after their semi-listenable vocalist heroically drank himself to death, he was replaced by a screechy wannabe, slightly more horrendous ‘not’ Bon Scott. Blechhhhh.  ‘Big Balls’ was the only song I ever liked, and only because it was embarrassingly hilarious to hear for the first time at work in mixed company in the early 80’s.

    Oh, and yes, Napster led me to music I was happy to purchase after plundering like-tasted libraries and discovering awesome gems. I’m still more than slightly fucking irritated that my Pandora fix was cut off courtesy of licensing agreements. Oh well, I guess I’ll simply *not* find and recommend great music that my buddies can then purchase on iTunes (and share with me).

  10. Henry Rollins vs. rolling resistance

  11. @TBONE

    @wiscot

    @Mirko

    I’d rather compare the Jans than the Ullrichs.

    Janssen had the rare ability to make non-cycling sunglasses look cool on a bike. Other tried and failed, but he succeeded. Pioneer.

    Yeah, but Anquetil had the rare ability to make that kit look damned sexy. Others tried and failed, but he succeeded.

    Are you saying Janssen didn’t look good in it? I think he looked awesome, like the lovechild of Marcel Kittel and an ice block.

  12. @starclimber

    @Gianni

    @Cyclops

    I saw AC/DC with Bon Scott in the ’70s and didn’t even know who they where. They were just some band opening for Aerosmith. They kicked Aerosmith’s arses right off the stage. Then EVERYBODY knew who they were.

    Me too, AC/DC opened for Johnny Winter in Portland in the 70s. Again, no one had heard of them. Jesus they sucked, their sound was rubbish. Fucking hacks, sorry, they were.

    Merckx bless you, sir, I’ve always felt the same. A-melodic, harsh yet banal, appealing strongly to the dumbest slice of life, and after their semi-listenable vocalist heroically drank himself to death, he was replaced by a screechy wannabe, slightly more horrendous ‘not’ Bon Scott. Blechhhhh. ‘Big Balls’ was the only song I ever liked, and only because it was embarrassingly hilarious to hear for the first time at work in mixed company in the early 80′s.

    Oh, and yes, Napster led me to music I was happy to purchase after plundering like-tasted libraries and discovering awesome gems. I’m still more than slightly fucking irritated that my Pandora fix was cut off courtesy of licensing agreements. Oh well, I guess I’ll simply *not* find and recommend great music that my buddies can then purchase on iTunes (and share with me).

    I’ve never been described as the dumbest slice of life before. I’d guess that you’re probably about the same age as @gianni and also sport a colostomy bag under your saddle.

    If you’d managed to keep up with technology since Napster you’d know you can sample a shit load of music on Spotify and similar without having to hand over any of your cash.

  13. Good to see that “Vive la difference” is alive and well, @starclimber – but apart from that what do you really think of them?  I always assume critics have perfect pitch and compose symphonies for fun each evening.  Isn’t that fair comparison?  I do wonder though how some people think musicians (and take that term how you like) are meant to eat and pay life’s bills.

  14. @snoov

    @RedRanger

    @Angling Saxon

    Rule #93: No crappy-ass music. Metallica? Ugh. This is a total piss-take, right?

    I agree. I cant stand them.

    Me neither, but each to their own. As a skater I tried to get into Metallica but it just didn’t float my boat just like most heavy metal style music. And the photo of Lars with long hair ain’t no mullet. This is a mullet:

    That’s just Lars with long hair up in the article.

    The Mullet: Business at the front. party at the back

  15. @Daccordi Rider

    No, I was not hit by a truck. Gianni was merely referencing my tendency to ride on open highways populated by very large road trains, which are triple trailer trucks, 50m long. For that reason, as well as general sanity, I disdain the injunction banning mirrors, and show Fronk my buttocks, as I sport a discrete Zefal Spy on my handlebar.

    I fell while racing track and broke my sinister clavicle. Happily I was bolted backtogether for a rapid recovery.

  16. @scaler911

    @scaler911

    @Ken Ho

    Ah yes, very funny, but if you actually bother to read the actual transcript of Lars’ Senate testimony, you might find that he was more concerned about the effect on music industry at large, including the income of large numbers of pele like recording engineers, producers, session guys, retail workers and a whole bunch of others, than he was about his personal wealth.

    Depicting James, who has written large numbers of deep and socially significant lyrics throughout his long and stellar career, as a Neanderthal, was a clever propaganda tactic, but hardly fair or accurate.

    Whoever posted that link is clearly a sucker for the kind of cheap propaganda war that Napster waged, and still regurgitating the same rubbish a decade later. Meanwhile, music retail has been wiped out, artists are starving, and Lars has been proved to be dead right in every way. Still selling out, every night they play, stadiums and festival headlines.

    Its sad that we have this tendency to tear down populaR people. In Australia we call it the “tall poppy syndrome”. Don’t dare to dream, and if you do, don’t dare to succeed.

    fuck that. Dave Matthews released “Everyday” on Napster before it was released to the public, and they’re still selling out their shows 12 years later (including The Gorge Amphitheater every Labor day, 3 shows), and selling plenty of and making new albums. It was a way for bands with little to no $$ to get heard and tour. The real losers from this were the record companies which took more of the royalties than the bands got. The real money is in touring, which requires the bands to be heard.

    (nothing personal Ken).

    +1 totally. Fuck the record companies.

    I lost aaaall sympathy for SyCo and his moneygrubbing like the day they decided it’d be a good idea to charge £12.99 for a CD that cost 99p to put on the shelf, above a £7.99 cassette version which cost £1.50 to put on the shelf below.

    Jan would kick Lars’ butt fwiw.

    mrhallorann

  17. if you weren’t feeling old before, last week, …and justice for all was released 25 years ago!

    Like many out there, the whole napster debacle turned me off Metallica for along time, it was Master of Puppets which brought me back, which is still their finest release. (it’s no Reign in Blood, though)

    As for the topic at hand, I’ll Ullrich with two L’s.

    Also, those of you ripping on drummers need to check this guy out (Dave King – The Bad Plus – Flim)

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iECeetxtm0g

  18. @Chris

    I’ve never been described as the dumbest slice of life before. I’d guess that you’re probably about the same age as @gianni and also sport a colostomy bag under your saddle.

    Heheheheee, there is a first time for everything. 

  19. @mrhallorann

    If we’re talking about drummers, the conversation should have started and ended here:

  20. Yeah, Bonzo was the shizzle, but Music is not a competition, and good bands are made up of musicians who fit together, regardless of their technical abilities.
    Supergroups always suck.
    Its probably even more true to say that great music is made when band members react against each other in the right way.
    Look at Fleetwood Mac and Rumours. They were barely speaking, but the album is brillliant as a result.
    Lars does not have to be the worlds best drummer, if there is any such thing. He just happened to be the right one for that band. As well as being a principal song-writer, visionary, and driving force. He’s not bad on the skins though.
    Th only reason that Lars ever tape traded was because he was in the US and he could not actually buy physical copies of the Euro bands he liked. He had a massive collection of music and just had a passion to share that with people.

  21. @frank

    @mrhallorann

    If we’re talking about drummers, the conversation should have started and ended here:

    Who the fuck’s that guy.

  22. @urbanwhitetrash

    if you weren’t feeling old before, last week, …and justice for all was released 25 years ago!

    Like many out there, the whole napster debacle turned me off Metallica for along time, it was Master of Puppets which brought me back, which is still their finest release. (it’s no Reign in Blood, though)

    As for the topic at hand, I’ll Ullrich with two L’s.

    Also, those of you ripping on drummers need to check this guy out (Dave King – The Bad Plus – Flim)

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iECeetxtm0g

    25 years?!?!

    Yeah, that made me feel old…..

  23. @Teocalli

    Good to see that “Vive la difference” is alive and well, @starclimber – but apart from that what do you really think of them? I always assume critics have perfect pitch and compose symphonies for fun each evening. Isn’t that fair comparison? I do wonder though how some people think musicians (and take that term how you like) are meant to eat and pay life’s bills.

    Good call. I actually ‘don’t’ have perfect pitch but I have written pieces of music after work for fun. If people thought they didn’t suck, I guess I’d write them ‘for’ work, but oh well. There’s more than a few creative geniuses who perished in complete obscurity, a category I aspire to. Like this dude:

  24. @starclimber Nice, I used to be in the choir and then my voice broke.  Now I try to avoid being heard trying to sing!

  25. Not much wrong with this drummer, aside from not being named Ullrich or Ulrich:

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