Jan VS Lars

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Jan photo by Kristof Ramon

It’s funny what goes through your head at 3am when you’re woken by a cat. Especially if that cat’s name is Lars, and he was named after the Metallica drummer (not by me, he’s my VMH’s cat). I prefer to call him Jan though, as Jan has always been my favourite Ullrich. So last night Lars woke me up, and unable to get back to sleep I got to thinking: who really is the most awesome Ullrich, and what kind of battles would Jan and Lars have to fight out to win naming rights for a cat? It’s a complex place, my brain at 3am.

wasp

We know that these consumate professionals put maximum effort into their chosen fields of expertise. And that they probably put a lot of substance in, too. Jan was always on the job for much longer than Lars; I’ve never heard of Metallica doing six hour gigs without a break between songs, for three weeks at a time. And how hard can drumming really be? I reckon Lars is faking it. And his shirt’s still buttoned. Inhaling a Wasp: Jan wins.

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Oh, how the mistakes of your past catch up with you. The innocence and exuberance of youth can manifest itself in ways we later look back on and shudder with that sinking feeling of “what was I thinking?” But a good mullet outdoes a bad perm/highlight any day. Lars wins (or loses).

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Who doesn’t love a bit of adulation? It might seem like Lars has a bigger captive audience here, but I bet Jan passed a hundred thousand fans on his way to the line that day alone. None of them had to pay $150 for the privilege either. Do I even need to mention how badass that jersey is? And who gives their fans the middle finger? Jan wins, and wins big.

wives

Fame and fortune can trump ordinary looks in a heartbeat. And when it comes to stepping out on the red carpet, having a beautiful woman on your arm is mandatory. Both our heroes have done exceptionally well for themselves in the wife stakes, though Jan made sure he had the height advantage. I don’t think Lars will be complaining though. Let’s call it a draw.

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We like to party, party! Jan doesn’t mind putting away a few pints in the off season, and when he’s sufficiently lubed, well, sometimes things can get out of hand. I mean, who hasn’t been to Oktoberfest, dressed in ridiculous shorts, puffy shirts and flowery braces, downed a dozen Schofferhofers, dropped a couple of tabs then driven the Porsche into a bike rack? Lars, on the other hand, just couldn’t keep up the pace and ended up in rehab on a diet of chocolate milk shakes… and he couldn’t even keep them down. Rock and Roll my arse. Jan wins.

And then there’s this…

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93 Replies to “Jan VS Lars”

  1. This may serve as good off-season training inspiration. On the rollers, channeling Jan while listening to Lars (and James, and whoever the fuck they’ve got backing them up on whatever song is in the mix at the time)

    Come rolling faster 
    Obey your master 
    Your legs burn faster 
    Obey your master 
    Master 

    Liberties taken with the original lyrics.

  2. ‘is the most awesome Ullrich’

    You realise that Lars Ulrich has a different surname from Jan Ullrich, right?

  3. How hard can drumming be ?

    Thats a bit like when Hammond got to drive an F1 car. It’s just sitting down, he said, how hard can it be ?  You need to get behind a kit for a bit.   I’ve done a little drumming, not a lot, but enough to know its a lot bloody harder than cycling.  Why do you think the buggers are all so skinny ?

    Not so sure about the draw on the wives bit either, though the agae difference needs to be factored.

    Getting fans to pay $150 is harder than letting them in for free too.   Th Black Labum tour ran for over 3 years too. Definitely an Audax effort.

  4. Well, this is a no-brainer. Metallica was dead to me after the Napster bullshit. Then if it couldn’t get any worse, there was the “Some Kind of Monster” documentary that solidified my stance that they had become a bunch of pussies. (that said, Master of Puppets is still my favorite metal album).

    Jan (who Mrs. Scaler is still head over heels in love with) wins by a lot of Km’s.

    @Nate

    Can we get @scaler to provide his comments on Jens’s wife?

    Jen’s who? I only see Jan.

  5. @scaler911

    @Nate

    Can we get @scaler to provide his comments on Jens’s wife?

    Jen’s who? I only see Jan.

    Well I fucked that one up.  But just to make sure you see the right picture:

  6. This article is almost the perfect joining of two things I love in life.  Bikes and Metallica.  I spent every indoor interval session listening to the back catalogue last winter. Training for my target long mountain climbs got quite loud at times.  20 minutes on, 2 minutes off anyone?

    BATTERYYYYY!!

  7. Whatever that line is about genius having madness in it?….Thanks Brett.

    Its no contest but I thought I’d add a Tour bus comparison:

  8. Cycling is metal. Even when it is carbon…\m/

    My wife always assumed Metallica was my favourite band, but alas, UP THE IRONS! Her first metal concert was Maiden in Edmonton 2010, the Final Frontier tour.

    Oh, just hit me, metal band and cyclists…both tour.

  9. Jan vs Lars – I really like the way you think (@ 3am) Brett.

    It’s not that your case is not compelling because it is and you have come to the correct conclusion but I want to add – since I was/am of the speed/thrash/death metal persuasion – that Lars an arrogant little cock sucker that quickly forgot that the reason Metallica is so popular.  I.e. the underground tape trading world of which I was a part back in the ’80s.  It was perfectly fine for us to circulate boot-legged Metallica songs tapes when they were nobodies.  But then they got too big for their britches and started suing Napster users and sold-out crap like that.  Yea, yea, Jan sold his soul too but at least he ain’t suing his fans.

  10. @brett – Your mind works in wondrous ways – actually a bit freakin’ scary, but hey, who doesn’t like metal in the middle of the night.  These things do indeed all go together – cycling, metal, rock star status, beer, hot chicks (VMH) for most of us, insomnia. What strikes me; however – and clearly gives Jan the win -, is the sheer madness of cycling and the individual struggle to kick the road and the competition into submission.  These two guys are badass and very good at what they do, but the cyclist does it for the love of the road, the desire to be the best, all while knowing that it will cause severe pain and suffering.  In that regard, Metallica are indeed pussies. They probably have their cuticles manicured.  Jan wins – hands down.

  11. @TBONE

    ‘is the most awesome Ullrich’

    You realise that Lars Ulrich has a different surname from Jan Ullrich, right?

    Damn, nothing gets past you… guess I’m gonna have to scrap the Jens Voigt vs Jon Voight article now.

    @Ken Ho

    What do you call someone who hangs around musicians?

    A drummer.

    @Harminator

    I was looking for a comparable bus photo too… nice work!

  12. @brett

    Or the Neil Armstrong / Lance Amrstrong piece: One played the lead role in the most fraudulent deceit of the American people and the other was a bike racer?

  13. @Harminator

    @brett

    Or the Neil Armstrong / Lance Amrstrong piece: One played the lead role in the most fraudulent deceit of the American people and the other was a bike racer?

    Mate, you’re reading my mind… but the battle will be a 3 way, with Loius in there too. One was a blowhard, the other was a trumpeter.

  14. @Ken Ho

    Ken Ho Rules! You old Ho, glad you are not a smear on the side of some long haul truck. Every time I hear reference to bro-set I smile.

    @Harminator

    @brett

    Or the Neil Armstrong / Lance Amrstrong piece: One played the lead role in the most fraudulent deceit of the American people and the other was a bike racer?

    Jesus man, are you insane? Don’t hijack this thread with that. Save that for the You tube comment section.

  15. For those who still think that a comparison between tape trading and Napster is valid, you might want to consider this 
    http://thetrichordist.com/2012/11/20/lars-was-first-and-lars-was-right/
    Tape trading was an asset to the industry, Napster and co wiped it out. 
    Otherwise, yes, Lars is an arrogant little cocksucker, but since when was that a bad thing ?
    You have to have some shit in you if you want to break the mould and do something different in the world. I’ll bet 4/5 of people putting shit on him are prisoners in a cubiclesomewhere or flipping burgers. 
    Lars for the win. 

  16. @brett

    @TBONE

    ‘is the most awesome Ullrich’

    You realise that Lars Ulrich has a different surname from Jan Ullrich, right?

    Damn, nothing gets past you… guess I’m gonna have to scrap the Jens Voigt vs Jon Voight article now.

    @Ken Ho

    What do you call someone who hangs around musicians?

    A drummer.

    @Harminator

    I was looking for a comparable bus photo too… nice work!

    What’s the difference between a drummer and a drum machine ?   With a drum machine, you not have to punch the information in once.

  17. Gianni, I’m still alive. I had my plate removed a week ago, but I was back on my cruiser an hour after I gooutcome from day surgery.   Working in a mining zone, got elbow shaved by a wide load with a massive machine on the back, that was fun, not. Mirrors really are a good idea.  Suck it, Fronk.

    Fitness is a bit spotty, too much work, moved to an acreage on a hill, so lots of work, and lots of hill climbs.   Got a bit fat over the last year, trying to trim down.

  18. Lars wins on the ladies front hands down, Jan’s VMH has a chin as big as cuddles.

    However

    Lars had “Enter Sandman” and Jan had “Enter MotoMan

    Jan wins

  19. @TBONE

    ‘is the most awesome Ullrich’

    You realise that Lars Ulrich has a different surname from Jan Ullrich, right?

    I’m hoping this is a new series with the next installment being Frank Strack v. Tony Stark.

    I don’t know who has more space-age technology in his basement.

  20. @Nate

    @scaler911

    @Nate

    Can we get @scaler to provide his comments on Jens’s wife?

    Jen’s who? I only see Jan.

    Well I fucked that one up. But just to make sure you see the right picture:

    Lars has the upper hand here. IMO. Jan’s VMH? looks a little too much like this fucking psycho for my liking:

  21. @scaler911

    @Nate

    @scaler911

    @Nate

    Can we get @scaler to provide his comments on Jens’s wife?

    Jen’s who? I only see Jan.

    Well I fucked that one up. But just to make sure you see the right picture:

    Lars has the upper hand here. IMO. Jan’s VMH? looks a little too much like this fucking psycho for my liking:

    Hmm let me spell it out more clearly:  I don’t suppose you can help me figure out the gender of Jan’s date, can you?

  22. @Nate

    @scaler911

    @Nate

    @scaler911

    @Nate

    Can we get @scaler to provide his comments on Jens’s wife?

    Jen’s who? I only see Jan.

    Well I fucked that one up. But just to make sure you see the right picture:

    Lars has the upper hand here. IMO. Jan’s VMH? looks a little too much like this fucking psycho for my liking:

    Hmm let me spell it out more clearly: I don’t suppose you can help me figure out the gender of Jan’s date, can you?

    It’s Courtney Love — a man.

  23. @Nate No visible laryngeal prominence so probably a girly. And xtc or no, I’m guessing Jan is into the chickas.  I couldn’t push “quote” because I’ve seen enough of AC.

  24. @Dan_R YES The Irons! Can’t get the wife to understand what it is about Bruce and the boys, but like cycling I will never tire of going over the same tracks again and again and again

  25. Great article!….i know sequels are never as good but just how many great pairs could you come up with as variations on a theme?!

  26. As one of the few who are glued to the screen for TT action, this remains my fav. Ullrich moment.

    And just noticed, perhaps a adjunct to Rule #37 “unless you are Jan Ullrich and your helmet is so fuckn badass that you have no straps”.

  27. @Harminator

    translated as: ” …unless you are Jan Ullrich and your Black Forest Gateaux eating exploits are so fuckn badass that you have two chins”.

    -sorry, couldn’t resist ;-)

  28. Am watching some kind of monster right now, I think I love Lars because he’s an angry, unlikable little fucker. If he was a fuzzy little nerd next door, I’d think something was wrong. I remember Pantera scaring an interviewer in NZ so badly he hid behind the couch for part of the interview. Which was ace.

  29. 3 in the morning….. that  will make for a long day. Although i embraced both in my life at seperate times, i give it to Jan hands down for the suffering alone! I’ve never seen a drummer so shelled by the end of his set that he fell off his stool.

  30. @scaler911

    Well, this is a no-brainer. Metallica was dead to me after the Napster bullshit.

    Metallica was dead to me when James Hetfield dropped a “Load” and called it a CD.  Bleh.

  31. @Brett I like the thought process but you could have taken it a little bit further and come up with a proper contest with some real hardmen.

    I never really got the whole Metallica thing.

  32. @brett

    @minion

    I think I love Lars because he’s an angry, unlikable little fucker.

    Same reason you love @Marcus, then…

    Herk! Good one. Now, if Marcus had a talent past turning every scenario into a form of adult entertainment they’d be twins…

  33. @brett

    the Jens Voigt vs Jon Voight article 

    @Harminator

    Or the Neil Armstrong / Lance Amrstrong piece: One played the lead role in the most fraudulent deceit of the American people and the other was a bike racer?

    Sagan: Carl or Peter

    Bobet: Louison or Lorena

    Simpson: Tommy or Homer

    I think this could be a great series that runs the site into even further disrepute and ultimately into the ground (Margaret Cavendish was pretty badass!).

  34. Two weeks ago one of my cats woke me up from the most incredible dream I’ve ever had. I had just seen the director’s cut of Brasil on the big screen in 35mm and had a dream setting straight from the movie. It was a long, detail, fantastic dream…until Hobo kept on rubbing his face against my chin and work me up.

    Chris – YES! Bon Scott and AC/DC are superb (up until Ballbreaker). Never realized the Millar similarity. I too never really liked Metallica much. Maybe because too many meatheads put them on in the locker room and that kinda ruined it for me. Plus, Lars is fucking weird looking and Danny Carey is by far the best classically trained loud drummer out there.

    How ’bout Sagan sitting at the mystical white spaceship consol in Cosmos and ramblin’ on regarding the universe? That is fucking bonkers. And incredibly awesome when he is talking about samurai crabs and states, “Evolution. It is a fact, not a theory.” Take that as a big, double middle finger Giant Flood Creationists.

  35. @Chris

    @Brett I like the thought process but you could have taken it a little bit further and come up with a proper contest with some real hardmen.

    I never really got the whole Metallica thing.

    I saw AC/DC with Bon Scott in the ’70s and didn’t even know who they where.  They were just some band opening for Aerosmith.  They kicked Aerosmith’s arses right off the stage.  Then EVERYBODY knew who they were.

  36. @Cyclops There’s something about the Bon Scott era AC/DC that is untouchable. Pared down and uncluttered. High Voltage still sounds as good now as it did when I was eight or nine.

  37. @scaler911

    @Nate

    @scaler911

    @Nate

    Can we get @scaler to provide his comments on Jens’s wife?

    Jen’s who? I only see Jan.

    Well I fucked that one up. But just to make sure you see the right picture:

    Lars has the upper hand here. IMO. Jan’s VMH? looks a little too much like this fucking psycho for my liking:

    You should be banned for posting that pic FFS! Put me right off my muffin and coffee.

    Anyone else seen Some Kind of Monster, the Metallica movie?. Really fascinating look behind the scene of how a mega band works. A T-Mobile movie of the same name featuring big Jan might be just as intereting if it ever happened – which it won’t,.

  38. I was in 4th grade when my brother got a 4-disc set to play on his new Yamaha 5-disc carousel player. “Back in Black,” “Highway to Hell” (both have 10 songs and I have never been able to decide which is more awesome) “Who Made Who” and “Dirty Deeds.” I still have yet to get over the initial shock of the fear the Dirty Deeds album cover put into me. I can’t imagine being a teen in Australia when that was released.

    Cyclops, ha, I know that feeling well. I scored free tickets to Pearl Jam in Washington, DC around 2006. They put on a lame, rehearsed, boring show. The opener was My Morning Jacket, who I’d already seen, and they kicked arse. (though they seem to have gone pear shaped themselves.)

    I also walked into a small club once and as I opened the doors to the upstairs music room I was totally floored. I couldn’t believe the sheer amount of noise two guys were putting out. It was “Death From Above”  and I still think “You’re a Woman, I’m a Machine” is one of the wildest albums put out in recent years.

  39. @unversio

    @Nate

    @scaler911

    @Nate

    @scaler911

    @Nate

    Can we get @scaler to provide his comments on Jens’s wife?

    Jen’s who? I only see Jan.

    Well I fucked that one up. But just to make sure you see the right picture:

    Lars has the upper hand here. IMO. Jan’s VMH? looks a little too much like this fucking psycho for my liking:

    Hmm let me spell it out more clearly: I don’t suppose you can help me figure out the gender of Jan’s date, can you?

    It’s Courtney Love “” a man.

    If it is Courtney Love then she and Jan can compare track marks on their arms. Who would win? Hard to say . . .

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