As a cycling fan, I find that it is easy to neglect some of the physiological particularities of our sport. In my mind, Faboo and Jens are giants””not merely Giants of the Road, but enormous men with enormous legs and broad shoulders, quite literally ready to carry the weight of the team. Typically, we see cycling’s rouleurs only in comparison to each other, and so deep are my impressions of the imposing directors of the peloton that when I see them standing in all of their glory on the podium looking the picture of a 12-year old boy next to the high-heeled and (thankfully) be-skirted podium models, I am convinced that the organizers of Grand Tours have found and begun to exploit a tribe of beautiful Amazonian ogres somewhere deep in the forests of the Ardennes.
And then, you see photographs like this, and you remember that while these men are men, they are by and large small, freakish men by the standards of most modern athletes.
It’s 2003, and the directors of the Tour de France invite a legend of the Streif to kick off La Grande Boucle. Coming off a nearly year and a half of rehab after a motorcycle accident nearly cost him his leg, a trim Hermann Maier makes a mockery of the of the “harmonious integration of man and machine” that defines our sport. The man sprinkles The V and nails on his Wheaties and motor oil in the morning, but he is a meatstick of a man built for downhill speed. He seems to swallow the rear wheel between his ham-hock thighs, and his saddle has been lost somewhere in the vagaries of muscle and grundle. With every pedal stroke, you can hear the bike scream for mercy, but with three Crystal Globes for the World Cup Overall in his pocket and one looming on the horizon in 2004, Hermann Maier doesn’t make a living as a merciful man. His stroke is smooth enough””it has to be, lest he cleave the bottom bracket in two””but he looks at any moment like he might simply break the bike in half like the wishbone of a strange flightless bird.
I was saying something about the men of the peloton? Hardmen, indeed, but I’m pretty sure Maier’s left forearm just ate Frank Schleck.
And so, in honor of the World Cup Opener in Soelden this weekend, I submit to you the Herminator, en bici. At 1’18 out in a 6.5k time trial, he didn’t exactly light the cycling world on fire, but to be 15% off of the world’s best time trialers when there’s 20% more of you than there is of them, well…chapeau. For his next trick, the Man with the Crystal Globes plans a record-setting ski trip to the South Pole. Which he will probably eat.
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@frank
That last one is not Cuche, Le Frank, it is Dani Albrecht, in the last training run off the last jump on the Streif in Kitzbuhel, about to knock himself the fuck out and spend a year and a half trying to get back to ski racing. He's almost back, but he hurt his knee training in Switzerland last week, so he won't be starting in Soelden.
But that is all ski racing stuff. Mia culpa.
Great, great, great!
Growing up skiing and racing slalom and GS, I was an absolute fanatic for World Cup... Ingemar Stenmark, anyone? The Herminator is a true beast, too bad ski racing gets only slightly better coverage than bike racing in the US. Here's to the hardmen of the piste!
@Joshua
This is a great point you make about rider sizes; We were at the 2003 Tour and were struck by how much smaller all the riders were than the looked on TV. Then we were at the 2004 World Cup Final in Sestrierres, and we were struck by how much bigger all the skiers were than they looked on TV. TV neutralizes everything, and these Alpine racers are monsters.
And, as they say about pro cyclists: they live like monks, eat like birds, and work like horses.
Not to revisit this ad infinitum, but you were struck in 2003, too?? Jeez!
@frank By "eat like birds" do you mean "twice their weight daily" or "barely anything"?
Cycling sends my metabolism into overdrive. I have to eat constantly to keep from losing 1kg every two weeks and withering down to weigh less than my bike.
@Geoffrey Grosenbach
In which case I envy you. I think in the pre-EPO days that's about right; pros watched what they ate, but with the thousands of Kms they put on, it didn't matter so much. You need a little bit of fat to burn on a long ride, you know? But then with EPO it seems they could burn on drugs alone and they can have zero body fat, so you get people like Pharmstrong weighing out their food and then riding for 6 hours.
It doesn't add up using the math that I know how to use. But maybe that's what imaginary numbers are for.
My weight loss saga is exactly that, I've lost about 5 kilos, and it's taken me since late June. I rode 11 hrs the other week, cut my calories almost 3500kcal that week and gained 1 kilo back, WTF! I pretty much weight out my food now and eat pretty much air and dust. I'm looking for some Clenbuterol to drop my last 5 kilos, I'm 2 months from racing weight right now.
I believe it was Riis who started the whole weight loss thing and Lance has taken it to its logical extreme.
Note the arm size to sleeve size ratio.
@michael
Ah, the "arm size to sleeve" ratio. I covet the loose sleeve I see worn on many a pro. My gunshow stretches my sleeves to near bursting.
That last picture really puts in sharp relief the irony of his last name, "Armstrong", doesn't it?
@michael
Where do live that you will peaking in December? Here we are packing the weight on for ski season.
@Geoffrey Grosenbach
Damn! I rode past a bakery the other day and put on 5kg just from inhaling the good smells.