Categories: Awesome Swiss GuysRacingThe Hardmen

WWSD

What will Spartacus do?

When it comes to hardmen, there aren’t many tougher than this guy. That he manages to mix massive amounts of V with similarly massive amounts of Casual Deliberation only serves to heighten the man-crushes of a bunch of older, fatter, balder men who see a visage of Spatacus looking back at us in the mirror every time we don lycra. We wish we could be him.

So I put myself into the mind of Fabs after his huge crash/broken back/ride anyway/forced to retire sequence the other day. The guy has had a lot of bad luck over the last few years, and as he gets to the twilight of his career, decisions need to be made. What Will Spartacus Do? Well, I don’t know, but I do know what Spartacus should do.

The only way for Faboo to go out is thus:

Take a break in the sun, drink rum, heal the injury and ride a scooter without a helmet. Try not to fall off.
Work off the fat from all the Mojitos and get training again.
Target the World Champs road race and win the bloody thing.
Look completely awesome in the rainbow bands (with black shorts) and win Lombardia.
Have a rest over winter, then train for one last Classics campaign.
Win Het Volk, E3, the Ronde and Roubaix while looking awesome in the bands.
Retire on the velodrome with a cobble in hand.
Un-retire. Break the Hour Record.
Replace fucking Jens on whatever commentary team I had to put up with listening to his shit the other night.

Shouldn’t be too big an ask.

Brett

Don't blame me

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View Comments

PeakInTwoYears says:

Jul 8 2015 at 9:57 pm

A brilliant plan for Spartacus.

How surprised was I, when I started Cycling again, after 400 years, to find that Phil was still calling the Tour? A lot surprised. And I love hearing his voice. Listening to him forces me to entertain the thought that while I am certainly a fuck of a lot older, I might not be a lot smarter.
Owen says:

Jul 8 2015 at 10:18 pm

@James

“As wrong as Phil is most of the time” – that’s kinda the point @frank. I’m tired of Bert and Ernie cocking up the basic stuff, let alone being capable of offering some sort insight into the multitude of stories within the race. Hurry up and put Matt Keenan on primetime.

What he said. Also, I realize that they are catering (via NBC Sports) to an American audience that might know fuck all about cycling, but do they have to spend half the entire broadcast explaining how a wheel works, or use a prepared segment to pat me on the head with why it's better to ride in a line?
wrongsideof40 says:

Jul 8 2015 at 10:19 pm

My 9-year old daughter was angling for a day off school with a sore throat - just showed her the pic of Fabian and explained about him riding to the finish with a broken back! - she's going to school now! Thanks Velominati :-)
Owen says:

Jul 8 2015 at 10:19 pm

@James

“As wrong as Phil is most of the time” – that’s kinda the point @frank. I’m tired of Bert and Ernie cocking up the basic stuff, let alone being capable of offering some sort insight into the multitude of stories within the race. Hurry up and put Matt Keenan on primetime.

Also also, let's not forget that up until a couple of years ago Phil was COTHO's biggest cheerleader.
Owen says:

Jul 8 2015 at 10:20 pm

@wrongsideof40

My 9-year old daughter was angling for a day off school with a sore throat – just showed her the pic of Fabian and explained about him riding to the finish with a broken back! – she’s going to school now! Thanks Velominati :-)

Gave her a dose of the old Rule 3, eh :)
ChrisO says:

Jul 8 2015 at 11:24 pm

@Owen

@James

“As wrong as Phil is most of the time” – that’s kinda the point @frank. I’m tired of Bert and Ernie cocking up the basic stuff, let alone being capable of offering some sort insight into the multitude of stories within the race. Hurry up and put Matt Keenan on primetime.

Also also, let’s not forget that up until a couple of years ago Phil was COTHO’s biggest cheerleader.

+1 Even after the USADA report had nailed him Ligget was still sticking up for Armstrong. They should have been tarred and feathered and run out of town back to his Ugandan gold mine or whatever he has his head in for the other 49 weeks of the year.

And he's a shit commentator... did we mention that?
RobSandy says:

Jul 9 2015 at 12:43 am

I tend to either listen to the stage on the radio (although now I have a major dilemma as the Ashes have started and TMS is essential) or catch the highlights on ITV4 later. In the first instance we get the charming Rob Hayles and in the latter we get the double whammy of Chris Boardman and David Millar, inevitably looking cool as fuck. Score.

And re; Spartacus, he still looks the balls but I wonder if he is past his peak now.
piwakawaka says:

Jul 9 2015 at 12:45 am

@ChrisO

@Owen

@James

“As wrong as Phil is most of the time” – that’s kinda the point @frank. I’m tired of Bert and Ernie cocking up the basic stuff, let alone being capable of offering some sort insight into the multitude of stories within the race. Hurry up and put Matt Keenan on primetime.

Also also, let’s not forget that up until a couple of years ago Phil was COTHO’s biggest cheerleader.

+1 Even after the USADA report had nailed him Ligget was still sticking up for Armstrong. They should have been tarred and feathered and run out of town back to his Ugandan gold mine or whatever he has his head in for the other 49 weeks of the year.

And he’s a shit commentator… did we mention that?

beyond shit, gets less right than wrong, it's like he has the dirt on all of cycling and no one has the guts or power to tell him, "it's over, now fuck off", it's weird they put so much into these broadcasts and the guy calling it is watching a different race.
markb says:

Jul 9 2015 at 1:01 am

@RobSandy

I tend to either listen to the stage on the radio (although now I have a major dilemma as the Ashes have started and TMS is essential) or catch the highlights on ITV4 later. In the first instance we get the charming Rob Hayles and in the latter we get the double whammy of Chris Boardman and David Millar, inevitably looking cool as fuck. Score.

As I'm off work, I can watch the Tour live on telly, and listen to TMS on the radio, simultaneously. Who says it's only women who can multi-task, I can even drink a cool beer at the same time.
RobSandy says:

Jul 9 2015 at 1:16 am

@markb

@RobSandy

I tend to either listen to the stage on the radio (although now I have a major dilemma as the Ashes have started and TMS is essential) or catch the highlights on ITV4 later. In the first instance we get the charming Rob Hayles and in the latter we get the double whammy of Chris Boardman and David Millar, inevitably looking cool as fuck. Score.

As I’m off work, I can watch the Tour live on telly, and listen to TMS on the radio, simultaneously. Who says it’s only women who can multi-task, I can even drink a cool beer at the same time.

You bastard. That was uncalled for.

Come on England, by the way.