The Lexicon

This can be used in many conversational instances or when in worship as a concluding word for prayers and hymns to the Great Gods of Cycling.  (This is not to be confused with the first initial and last name of Eddy’ Merckx’s son, Axel.)

An Adrian also exhibits poor spelling and grammar while attempting to make points.

The combination of white and black in a fine Italian patent leather shoe, as perfectly demonstrated  here.

I’m showing you my new bike and you say: bel mezzo!  (Thanks to Pedale Forchetta.)

Thanks to @fignons-barber.

“Look how clean the tape is on that dude’s drops! He must be a Belgian Style specialist.”

Thanks to ZachOlson.

The assertion that one is not sporting a protruding gut but is in fact using a highly sophisticated respiration technique called diaphragmatic breathing.

Thanks to Will Benton.

Preferably made of patent-leather and by an Italian cobbler.

The process of gaining weight after becoming a parent due to a shift in priorities.

The guy who bridges up to you on a ride, usually a climb, wearing items like khaki shorts, a camelback, and clip-ons, breaking any given number of Rules and then proceeds to ride you off his wheel. (Thanks @sgt and @Nate)

Since gruppo is an Italian word, the only gruppo is Campagnolo. Shimano is a Group-San, and SRAM is a Bro-Set. Thanks to Ken Horsnby as nominated by @Daccordi Rider

Derived (read:taken wholesale) from the Dutch word for moped.

Specifically, the increasing in size of one’s gonads to gargantuan proportions when exposed to rainbows, as was the case with Cadel Evans.

This is best emphasized as you hammer on your Old Skule steel. e.g “I dropped a half dozen Carbon Craplets on the River Road sprint.” Thanks to Ray Bransky.

This is true whether they are on the bike, off the bike and is exhibited by a sharp dress sense and air of confidence. Details here.

Its a scientifically proven fact that people are more charismatic when drinking alcohol. Alcohol is also a poison. Thus, drinking makes us charismatically poisoned. Thanks to Mikael Liddy.

We’re all peaking in two months; set your male insecurities aside and train harder, jackhole. (Thanks @Jen)

The assertion that despite your size, you are still a reasonable climber.  See also:related video. (Thanks to Steampunk)

A big, heavy beast of a rider who goes uphill like an angel with wings. Thanks to @urbanwhitetrash

Thanks to Collin

This is most acutely felt in the presence of rough cobblestones. Thanks to @BianchiDenti

There is a pre-determined Coefficient of Difficulty for each Velominatus on each ride. Velominati are capable of registering their training regimen by a CoD being no less than V and working towards an intensity of  VV. The three Coefficients of Difficulty are V, V.V and VV. Thanks to @unversio.

Just as the Illuminati would stage their fabled, and somewhat feared Cabals, the Velominati stage our own modern-day versions, the Cogals.  A meeting of like-minded misfits brought together by the promise of beer, preceded by a bike ride. A Cogal distinguishes itself from other group rides by the following criteria. First, Cogals are organized and supported through Velominati, though not necessarily a Keeper (legally speaking, however, we have no involvement, so if you crash or die, it’s your own problem. Second, a Cogal is a day-long undertaking that focuses 100% on the bike. The rides are categorized (Casually Deliberate, Rule 5, Rule 10, for example) but are long. This is what you’re doing today, nothing else; see Rule 4. Third, Cogals always include a session of Malted Recovery Beverage Consumption after the ride. Whenever possible, it should also include a pre-ride espresso.

We don’t strictly endorse their interpretation, but like the Catholics and Opus Dei, we recognize them as part of our own.

“The last time I climbed it a butterfly flew through my front wheel completely unscathed.” (Thanks to Cyclops)

Only they know where the intermediate sprints, KOM and finish line is, and they are never beaten.

See also Pharmstrong, Veino, Pharmstrong, Contador, Pharmstrong, Piti, Johan Bruyneel, Pharmstrong, Ricco, Hein Verbrugge, and Pat McQuaid – depending on your perspective. (Thanks to Geof)

The commute is seen as a way to prove their manhood by wheel-sucking, or blasting past on their squeaky MTBs whilst wearing a YJA.  Never says ‘hello’. Considers fellow commuters to be their competition and sworn enemies.

This mentor teaches and guides us in the finer ways of our Sport.

Also referred to as the CSS, the Cycling Shit Sandwich is characterized by an event which begins with prolonged near-drowning and ends with trying to outrun the slowest person in your vicinity. May also involve a conclusive demonstration of a lack of motor skills. Thanks to @ralph.

Thanks to Omar for his Batman-inspired dissertation.

Inspired by Pedro Delgado’s 1989 late Tour start (as defending champion.)

The Ancients of Mount Velomis considered the fifth day of the fifth month to be the convergence of the Two Fives and the most sacred day of the year. It is also recognized as the official Velominati New Year, a day for reflection on our weakness and an opportunity to renew our resolve to improve on them.

Particularly one who has yet to make the most of his ability. It is the velomotion that daren’t speak its name. (Thanks to Marcus)

The spotted jersey given in the drug-riddled King of the Mountains competition at the Tour de France.

(Thanks to @Mcsqueek)

This is the critical point at which all speed has been coaxed from your machine and you have wrung the top end out of your block. “I hit escape velocity on that descent and I had to break out my LeMond tuck.”

A rider who insists on pointing out and scolding riders in a group who fail to ride with fenders, pointing out the many reasons they should do so in the future.

The Velominati observe His birthday, June 17, in our own ways. Some stage Cogals, others ride in wool jerseys, others just pour an ounce of Tripel on the ground in his honor. (But seriously, don’t spill beer.)

As kindly demonstrated hmyah.

Evident in individuals whose condition is so fucking awesome that their gun definition makes a gap under their bibshorts. *Thanks to @harminator.

The fashionable “in” look of the Spring season whereby the cyclist’s face is caked with mud in the tradition of the Spring Classics.  Note: any mud will do, not just Flandrian mud.  (Thanks to BIGRINGRIDING.)

While church goers will dress in their Sunday Best for a sermon, when a Cyclist goes to worship in bad weather, they dress in their Flandrian Best.

See also Flanders Facial.

Training in winter on your usual hardman chainset of 53×42 is bad for your knees. Changing to a Flemish Compact during VVinter will help spare them. Or, as Museeuw said, “I don’t like the 50T on compacts. It is not big enough for climbing.”

See also Flanders Facial.

After a Rule 9 ride, the contrast between one’s clean and grit-covered skin is directly proportional to how awesome the ride was.

This refers to the symbiotic relationship between oneself and one’s machine. It is characterised by an immovable torso combined with effortlessly gliding pedal rotations. A revelation of harmony and elegance for you resulting in high doses of Rule 5 pain for your fellow riders. This is a state only obtainable when peaking, and is sometimes referred to as La Volupte. (Thanks to Marcus for twisting Jørgen Leth’s words as narrated in The Impossible Hour.)

Based on a passage from the fantastic book by Paul Fournel’s, Need for the Bike which in spite of its entirely Rule-Breaking cover photo is perhaps the most perfect collection of Cycling essays ever written.

See also, Steel is Real. (Thanks to Rusty Tool Shed)

More specifically, to be so absurdly hard as to ride a Himalayan pass on a modified rickshaw from sea level, thereby transcending all Rules but Rule #5 and presumably Rule #10.

Also applies to any other matter of Good Taste and Sensibility where extremes are unpalatable.

Whether its the white Tuscan roads of the Strade Biancha, the roughly graded clay backroads of Northern Minnesota, or the stone gravel mountain passes of the Rocky Mountains, the Graveur knows some of the best riding is to be had off the beaten path of tarmac. A Graveur’s rig generally resembles a CX bike modified slightly for longer rides higher speeds, but can also be a road bike with extra-wide and durable tires.

Thanks @Beers for this one.

Since gruppo is an Italian word, the only gruppo is Campagnolo. Shimano is a Group-San, and SRAM is a Bro-Set. Thanks to Ken Horsnby as nominated by@Daccordi Rider

Since gruppo is an Italian word, the only gruppo is Campagnolo. Shimano is a Group-San, and SRAM is a Bro-Set. Thanks to Ken Horsnby as nominated by @Daccordi Rider

How much hurt have your legs absorbed, and how much hurt they are capable of dishing out at any given moment. Whatever you’re doing now, can only be sustained for V more minutes. Own your guns.

Every Velominatus knows their guns aren’t their arms (carry those gallons of milk in one at a time, we don’t want to build up too much upper body mass, Hercules) but their legs. And we all know the way to make our bikes go faster is to push harder on the Gun Decks, also known as pedals. Thanks to @Conor via email.

See also Hasidic Handlebars. (Thanks to McSqueak.)

See A Sunday in Hell for clarity.

Often spotted gliding over cobblestones or mashing up the Koppenberg in the Big Ring in all kinds of weather. This one is not ours, but it bears inclusion here since we use it so much.

Commonly made by CyclingNews.com technical editor, James Huang, whose reviews are sometimes nothing but cliche-riddled re-hashs of manufacturers press release. An example of a Huangism is a statement like “laterally stiff, vertically compliant”.

Mouth agape, snarling, dishing out the V. (Thanks to BigRingRiding.com)

A spouse’s assertion that any promise made towards post-ride activity will be superseded by laying on the couch, complaining about your guns. (Thanks to Marcus)

This requires whole body commitment to Sur La Plaque; a profound Knowledge of Rule 85 and Rule 64 are especially important. Thanks to Wilbur. (We wish his name sounded more Rule Fivish for recommending such a cool lexi entry.)

Pedal stroke.

The Keepers understand that from time to time, some riders will violate a Rule or two because of their personal situation. If this is the case, we understand you might do it, but don’t fucking brag about it. Also like masturbation, it is best done where no one can see you and too much of it will make you go blind. Thanks to @Marcus.

Them’s fightin’ words!  A Velominatus’ version of the “Gentleman’s Duel” of the past.

Also may mean to imply that you are in training and approaching form.

In honor of its place as the steed of choice during Rule #9 Conditions.
Thanks to Nik.

Pertaining to Velominati Super Prestige picks, the entirely unawesome scenario where one has selected all the correct picks for the VSP and none of them in the correct position. Thanks to @xyxax.

This could also apply the white R1’s as Onyx technically refers to a spectrum of colors. In any case, these shoes set the standard.

Preferably made of orange patent leather.

“Hincapie was really out of dish blaming the others in the break for not chasing. What a COTHO!”  (Thanks to Cyclops)

A universal acknowledgement that one is out of form and overweight, while at the same time asserting that you are following a strict training plan and diet and that when you do peak – in two months – you will dish out pain in overwhelming proportions. See also: related video. (Thanks to Andrew)

Getting low and aero on standard road bars as if they were riding on aerobar extensions, ala Fabian Cancellara. Thanks to Joe.

A model of punishment wherein a competitor is sanctioned for abusing the system while still technically staying within the specific guidelines.

The rapid (and often debilitating) build-up of lactic acid in the guns when, in the glorious haze of the Five and Dime, you hit a climb in the big ring which is both longer and steeper than your puny guns can feasibly conquer in the 53t.Ӭ Often accompanied by much wimpering, weaving about the road. Thanks to @maxim.

The onset of a sense of hopelessness characterized by irritable and manic behavior as access to cycling coverage decreases suddenly from daily to weekly (or less). Treatments include Rule 5, riding, and Rule 5. Thanks to @Ron.

Consumed after a hard ride to restore carbohydrates, proteins, sugars, and Awesome to the body.

Usually involuntarily and often a result of some action involving That Fucking Bike. This can also be a deliberate, voluntary pre-race preparation technique in the spirit of Sean Kelly. Thanks to Buck Rogers.

Wearing full matching white rainbow jersey with white rainbow bibs, and then being crapped out of the back of the bunch when the road goes uphill, as Mario Cipollini did in the 2002 Giro d’Italia.

One who is always on a recovery ride everytime you go out for a spin because they ‘hit it so hard the previous day’. Of course, no one is ever with them when they actually do a hard ride.  See also Train Properly. (Thanks to Souleur)

Preferably made of patent-leather and by an Italian cobbler. Thanks to @RedRanger for the photo.

This can be either deep dish rims or handbuilt three-cross spoked wheels. (thanks to TexasRouleur).

See also: related video. (Thanks to Steampunk)

The Rules are simultaneously simple and complex. They are consistent yet rife with contradiction. To embrace them all is to walk the path of La Vie Velominatus.

Velominati’s rogue research team which bases its conclusions primarily on malted beverage-assisted “assertive guessing” in favor of “fact” or “science”.

Specifically as it related to predicting if a rider’s less-than-stellar pre-TdF form foretells disaster or represents a ploy to fool rivals. Thanks to Xyxax.

Referring to the erroneous use a ghost go button or of the inner shift lever when transferring between Gruppo, Group-san, or Bro-Set equipped bikes. Thanks to @CarlyJ.

Once you start shaving your legs, can you stop anywhere short of giving yourself a Brazilian, waxing your chest (men only, obviously), and shaving your eyebrows and head?

Thanks to @unversio.

The riding position of a cyclist whose bars are placed absurdly high.  (Thanks to Gillis.)

The Spanish do this to promote sweating to counter the bloating effect caused by taking cortisone. Allegedly. We do it to fight off the bloating effect caused by eating and drinking too much.

When something can be none more black, like the color of your kit, frame, saddle, tires, or your soul.

The monolithic protuberance rising above one’s waist and below one’s rib cage which is a source of explosive power.  Ironically, it is the opposite of a six pack but typically acquired by drinking beer. (Thanks to Minion.)

The inefficient and aesthetically displeasing setup leading to a sit up and beg riding position. This also applies to any unnecessary stack of spacers piled above the stem, like some sort of Rule 45 safety-chute. (Thanks to @VeloVita)

By the time your overshoes are as tall as a stripper’s Go-Go boots, it’s time to reconsider your life.

(Literally, to move sur la plaque means to move onto the plate, or the BIG RING.)

Pronounced Survive on Five.

The localised swelling resulting from looking at pictures of switchback-laden mountain passes like the Stelvio. (Thanks to @Bianchi Denti.)

A Velominatus’ domestic partner’s reference to The Craft, who obviously does not understand The Work we do nor have any appreciation for Rule 11. A sample “That Fucking Bike” conversation may be reviewed here. (Thanks to Roadslave525)

The Anti-V manifests itself in an absence of those things we love most about cycling: a combination of guts, class, and panache. Wheel-sucking, bragging, and poor sportsmanship are examples of the Anti-V. (Thanks to KitCarson.)

These are the simple truths of Cycling, compiled and maintained by the Velominati.

This has evolved to take on the greater meaning it holds within the Velominati. (Pronounced “The Five”.)

But remember this: this is a bank with steep inactivity fees. Thanks to King Clydesdale

The system is a  repeatable and reliable process to ensure you Look Fantastic wearing fundamentally ugly objects on your head: the front should be low to the eyes, sides running close to the ears, and the back no deviating below the nape of the neck. More details here.

The mushroom-like appearance of wearing a bicycle helmet too high upon the head. (Thanks to Collin.)

The assertion that one is overweight and will not be able to climb well. See also:related video. (Thanks to Andrew)

Only those who have experienced the burning pain of a saddle sore will understand where this notion comes from.

This figures heavily into the assertion that you are only being passed on a climb because you are following a strict training regimen.  See also: related video.

The Italians call this la posizione. The Flemish call this “riding your bike.”

No confusing read-out. No buttons to push. No debate as to what you need to do. Just look down, ruminate briefly on the message conveyed to your oxygen-starved brain and lactate-laden legs, and V the fuck outa there. What’s the gradient of the climb? V. How fast are you going?  V. What’s your heart rate doing?  Your V-max? You will instantly and unequivocally know the answer.

A rider’s ability to channel The V is directly proportional to their V-Receptacle count. There are several known ways to increase one’s count, among them continued mediation on The V, Training Properly, consumption of Post-Ride Recovery Ales, and adherence to Rule 2 and Rule 3.

This is typically not due to any reduction in passion, due to outide factors that should be banished, like friends, family, or work.

See also: related video.

This is a wily creature who always figures out a way to satiate the need for expensive kit using low-cost means. (Thanks to Cyclops)

Penance is paid in the form of hill repeats and heavy helpings of The V. (Thanks to Geof)

This individual misinterprets the humor and intent behind The Rules and has likely missed their daily dose of humility and humor. They are also not likely to actually ride a bike very much or very well. See also: Adrian. Thanks to Jonathan via @CyclingTips.

This typically involves them sometimes feeling like they are playing second fiddle to The Bike.

After having failed to shave the guns, now sports a thatch that Chewbacca would be proud of.

Thanks to Roadslave525.

A Velominatus/a who is also a Velominatus/a’s significant other.

This is usually prior to a ride in an effort to stay properly hydrated. Thanks to Jeff in PetroMetro

Preferably made of patent-leather and by an Italian cobbler.

This leaves furry patches above the shorts line that look like Chewbacca got stuck thigh-deep in a pool of Nair.

Made by the only company willing to do such a thing, Mavic.

No explanation needed. (Thanks to Eddy Merckx’s Ears)

Just because he looks and speaks just like Beaker. Thanks to LA Dave.

Who looks nothing like ol’ Boss Hog, but his name is irresistible.

After his positive test for Clenbuterol. (Thanks to Dermot K)

For his bloodlust.

The answer to this question seems to be unclear.

For his off the back-back on again riding style as he gallantly defended his Giro d’Italia lead.

The cobble-eating winner of the 2015 Paris-Roubaix.

Because this is how the commentators on Universal Sports pronounce it.

Because he’s dirty, and we simply couldn’t resist.

Or this?

For his Gandalf-like violation of Rule 59 to keep Cavendish from passing him during the Stage 3 gallop in the 2011 Giro. Thanks to Steampunk.

Sorry – we love you (I Heart Hincrappy) and wish you all the success in the world, but while you ride like a hardman – when you start talking…

For his riding style up the bergs in Vlaanderen in 2012.

Cadel Evans can be good, bad, or almost good enough. This one comes from his comment at the 2010 Amstel Gold Race, “I was good, I was good, I was good and then I was bad.” Other variations of this moniker include, “Almost Good Enough Cadel”, “Not Quite Good Enough Cadel”, and his first name often is exchanged for his last name.

For his “I’m out with an injury and thus will be going on the sauce” coping mechanism.

For his hide until the time trial methods of getting a Tour podium.

For famously surviving a 60km/h introduction to a barbed-wire fence. (Prikkeldraad is the Dutch word for “barbed-wire”.)

For not only refusing to lend a hand to his team leader, Nicolas Roche during the 2010 Tour de France, but going on the attack when he suffered a puncture. Thanks to Marcus.

Because you never know if he’s gonna suck, crash, or crush.

Because we’d hate to ride in the paceline behind one of these guys.   Old El Paso should consider sponsorship.

The young, combative animal Greg LeMond who exuded class on the bike. (Thanks to Dan O)

In 1986 at La Vie Claire, vying not only for team leadership, but for Tour dominance.

Plus the time it takes him to get up a hill is like waiting for an egg to boil.  And like an underdone egg, Levi is soft in the centre and cracks easily.

For his unorthodox leadout style.
(Thanks to Marcus)

For his superb ability to drag Mark Cavendish to the line.

The ‘Where’s Wally?’ of the peloton.

They feed chickens hormones, don’t they?

For his (and his team’s) involvement in doping throughout his career; his organization could easily have doubled as a pharmaceutical business.

For his too-long socks. See also: Goldilocks Principle. Thanks to @VeloVita.

For his code name in Operación Puerto.

A stretch of terribly steep, unpaved road where an uphill time trial takes place in the Giro d’Italia.  You gotta have some stones to send a race up that bit of road.

You say potato, I say Pozzato.

The quiet Pole with a big engine.

The lovechild of Tony Curtis and Dean Martin. (Thanks to Jarvis)

(Thanks to Michael)

Does this really need explanation?

For his love of the party drugs.

First for his tendency to break bones, and then for his tendency to suck.

Makes up for his lack of balls with an inflated sense of self-importance.  Who else could it be?

For his name and the sports the world’s worst haircut.

The new poster child now for the organic, free-range, grass fed beef movement. (Thanks to KitCarson)

For his 7 stints in the dotty jumper.

Because he loves the white line fever.

Do we really need to explain this one?

For his unfortunate proclivity towards falling off his bike and breaking important bits of his body. (Thanks to Geof)

For all the shams he tried to pull…disappearing twin?  Really?

Because he never doped, but now obliquely refers to “the dark years” of his career and insists that he is now honest and wants to prove bike races can be won without the use of the vampire tactics.

The big Dutchman emodies the Five and Dime, and two V’s make Ten. He also posts ‘Rule 5 rides’ on Strava and owns a copy of The Rules. Pronounced “Five and Dime Dam”.

For his sprint from obscurity to a GT stage winner. (Thanks to Dermot K)