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The Lexicon

by / 816 posts

The Velominati have our own set of nicknames and terms which have developed over time through posts and correspondence. Some of these are names of landmarks or terms in cycling; others are nicknames for some of the riders in the pro peloton. While not intended to be offensive or derogatory, the nicknames in the list represent the riders’ personalities or their reputations; usually little more than a play on words, these are intended to be a bit of fun in the sometimes too-serious world of cycling.

*Of course, names such as The Cannibal, The Badger, Mr Roubaix, Der Kaiser and Il Pirata are taken as read, and should be well enough recognised by any Velominatus to warrant their non-inclusion in this list.

Jump to: TermsNicknames



  1. //
  2. 3PS // Velomiskrit for Three-Point System
  3. A Tommy // (v.)When cameramen, photographers and millions of viewers expect something completely different to what they actually see.
  4. A-Merckx // A declaration of affirmation used by a Velominatus

    This can be used in many conversational instances or when in worship as a concluding word for prayers and hymns to the Great Gods of Cycling. (This is not to be confused with the first initial and last name of Eddy’ Merckx’s son, Axel.)

  5. Adrian // Being an annoying, if harmless, twatwaffle.

    An Adrian also exhibits poor spelling and grammar while attempting to make points.

  6. The Anti-V // The forces in life that cause you to not observe The V.

    The Anti-V manifests itself in an absence of those things we love most about cycling: a combination of guts, class, and panache. Wheel-sucking, bragging, and poor sportsmanship are examples of the Anti-V. (Thanks to KitCarson.)

  7. The combination of white and black in a fine Italian patent leather shoe, as perfectly demonstrated here.

  8. Bel Mezzo // Mezzo in Italian vernacular stands for means of transport

    I’m showing you my new bike and you say: bel mezzo! (Thanks to Pedale Forchetta.)

  9. Belgian Gatorade // Beer, whether it be in the bidon or not.

    Thanks to @fignons-barber.

  10. Belgian Style // Riding primarily with hands positioned on the hoods.

    “Look how clean the tape is on that dude’s drops! He must be a Belgian Style specialist.”

  11. Belgian Toothpaste // The thick, sticky spit you get when laying down the V.

    Thanks to ZachOlson.

  12. Belly Breathing // Excusing a gut as a breathing technique.

    The assertion that one is not sporting a protruding gut but is in fact using a highly sophisticated respiration technique called diaphragmatic breathing.

  13. Bidonkadonk // Saddle-mounted bottle cages as used by triathletes.

    Thanks to Will Benton.

  14. Preferably made of patent-leather and by an Italian cobbler.

  15. Breeding and Blimping // Having kids and gaining weight.

    The process of gaining weight after becoming a parent due to a shift in priorities.

  16. Brian // Brian will crush your ego and is of the same sub-species as Adrian

    The guy who bridges up to you on a ride, usually a climb, wearing items like khaki shorts, a camelback, and clip-ons, breaking any given number of Rules and then proceeds to ride you off his wheel. (Thanks @sgt and @Nate)

  17. Bro-Set // SRAM.

    Since gruppo is an Italian word, the only gruppo is Campagnolo. Shimano is a Group-San, and SRAM is a Bro-Set. Thanks to Ken Horsnby as nominated by @Daccordi Rider

  18. Brommer // Motorcus’s bike.

    Derived (read:taken wholesale) from the Dutch word for moped.

  19. Cadelephantiasis // A sudden increase in toughness and aggressive riding.

    Specifically, the increasing in size of one’s gonads to gargantuan proportions when exposed to rainbows, as was the case with Cadel Evans.

  20. Carbon Craplet // The carbon framed bikes that are passed on a climb or sprint

    This is best emphasized as you hammer on your Old Skule steel. e.g “I dropped a half dozen Carbon Craplets on the River Road sprint.” Thanks to Ray Bransky.

  21. Carbone // That feeling you get when you see a beautiful bike.
  22. Casually Deliberate // The easy sense of style and calm exuded by a Velominatus.

    This is true whether they are on the bike, off the bike and is exhibited by a sharp dress sense and air of confidence. Details here.

  23. Charismatically Poisoned // Carrying a good beer buzz.

    Its a scientifically proven fact that people are more charismatic when drinking alcohol. Alcohol is also a poison. Thus, drinking makes us charismatically poisoned. Thanks to Mikael Liddy.

  24. Chicked // Getting your ass dropped by a Velominata.

    We’re all peaking in two months; set your male insecurities aside and train harder, jackhole. (Thanks @Jen)

  25. Climb Well For My Weight // Being a good climber relative to your weight/size.

    The assertion that despite your size, you are still a reasonable climber. See also:related video. (Thanks to Steampunk)

  26. Climber in a Gorilla Suit // A large rider who climbs too well for their weight.

    A big, heavy beast of a rider who goes uphill like an angel with wings. Thanks to @urbanwhitetrash

  27. Climbone // That feeling you get when you see a beautiful climb.

    (Thanks to Collin)

  28. Cobblebone // That feeling you get when you see an roughly paved road

    This is most acutely felt in the presence of rough cobblestones. Thanks to @BianchiDenti

  29. Coefficient of Difficulty // The pre-determined degree of difficulty for each ride.

    There is a pre-determined Coefficient of Difficulty for each Velominatus on each ride. Velominati are capable of registering their training regimen by a CoD being no less than V and working towards an intensity of VV. The three Coefficients of Difficulty are V, V.V and VV. Thanks to @unversio.

  30. Cogal // A meeting of Velominati for a day of cycling and beer.

    Just as the Illuminati would stage their fabled, and somewhat feared Cabals, the Velominati stage our own modern-day versions, the Cogals. A meeting of like-minded misfits brought together by the promise of beer, preceded by a bike ride. A Cogal distinguishes itself from other group rides by the following criteria. First, Cogals are organized and supported through Velominati, though not necessarily a Keeper (legally speaking, however, we have no involvement, so if you crash or die, it’s your own problem. Second, a Cogal is a day-long undertaking that focuses 100% on the bike. The rides are categorized (Casually Deliberate, Rule #5, Rule #10, for example) but are long. This is what you’re doing today, nothing else; see Rule #4. Third, Cogals always include a session of Malted Recovery Beverage Consumption after the ride. Whenever possible, it should also include a pre-ride espresso.

  31. Cognoscenti // The sect of Rule #5 Fundamentalists.

    We don’t strictly endorse their interpretation, but like the Catholics and Opus Dei, we recognize them as part of our own.

  32. Cognoscentrix // A female Rule #5 Fundamentalist.
  33. Cognoscentus // A Rule #5 Fundamentalist.
  34. Communing with Butterflies // Climbing so slowly that butterflies nest in your spokes

    “The last time I climbed it a butterfly flew through my front wheel completely unscathed.” (Thanks to Cyclops)

  35. Commuter Grand Prix // The domain of the Cycleway Hero.

    Only they know where the intermediate sprints, KOM and finish line is, and they are never beaten.

  36. COTHO // C*nt Of The Highest Order.

    See also Pharmstrong, Veino, Pharmstrong, Contador, Pharmstrong, Piti, Johan Bruyneel, Pharmstrong, Ricco, Hein Verbrugge, and Pat McQuaid – depending on your perspective. (Thanks to Geof)

  37. Cycleway Hero // Cyclists who treat their daily commute as races.

    The commute is seen as a way to prove their manhood by wheel-sucking, or blasting past on their squeaky MTBs whilst wearing a YJA. Never says ‘hello’. Considers fellow commuters to be their competition and sworn enemies.

  38. Cycling Sensei // A velominatus’ highly revered mentor

    This mentor teaches and guides us in the finer ways of our Sport.

  39. Cycling Shit Sandwich // A triathlon

    Also referred to as the CSS, the Cycling Shit Sandwich is characterized by an event which begins with prolonged near-drowning and ends with trying to outrun the slowest person in your vicinity. May also involve a conclusive demonstration of a lack of motor skills. Thanks to @ralph.

  40. Dark Knights // An alternative moniker for The Black Widows.

    Thanks to Omar for his Batman-inspired dissertation.

  41. Delgado // Missing the start of the VSP or any other event.

    Inspired by Pedro Delgado‘s 1989 late Tour start (as defending champion.)

  42. Die Congnoscentus // May 5th, the Day of the Five.

    The Ancients of Mount Velomis considered the fifth day of the fifth month to be the convergence of the Two Fives and the most sacred day of the year. It is also recognized as the official Velominati New Year, a day for reflection on our weakness and an opportunity to renew our resolve to improve on them.

  43. Dirty Schleck Love // The illogical hero-worship of any cyclist

    Particularly one who has yet to make the most of his ability. It is the velomotion that daren’t speak its name. (Thanks to Marcus)

  44. Dork Disc // The useless plastic guard that is installed on bicycles

    This part exists for the same reason as blue M&Ms: one we can’t explain.

  45. The spotted jersey given in the drug-riddled King of the Mountains competition at the Tour de France.

  46. Dutch Gel Shot // A packet of mayonnaise.

    (Thanks to @Mcsqueek)

  47. EPMS // Velomiskrit for European Posterior Man Satchel.

    A saddlebag.

  48. Escape Velocity // The speed at which you spin out your top gear.

    This is the critical point at which all speed has been coaxed from your machine and you have wrung the top end out of your block. “I hit escape velocity on that descent and I had to break out my LeMond tuck.”

  49. Fendangelist // Fender (mud guard) evangalist.

    A rider who insists on pointing out and scolding riders in a group who fail to ride with fenders, pointing out the many reasons they should do so in the future.

  50. Festum Prophetae // A celebration of the birth of The Prophet, Eddy Merckx

    The Velominati observe His birthday, June 17, in our own ways. Some stage Cogals, others ride in wool jerseys, others just pour an ounce of Tripel on the ground in his honor. (But seriously, don’t spill beer.)

  51. Five and Dime // Laying down The V in the wholesale commitment to Rule #10.
  52. Five Face // Any facial expression that demonstrates a holistic commitment to Rule #5.

    As kindly demonstrated hmyah.

  53. Five gap // The Cyclist’s answer to thigh gap.

    Evident in individuals whose condition is so fucking awesome that their gun definition makes a gap under their bibshorts. *Thanks to @harminator.

  54. Flanders Facial // Covering your face in mud and grit while riding.

    The fashionable “in” look of the Spring season whereby the cyclist’s face is caked with mud in the tradition of the Spring Classics. Note: any mud will do, not just Flandrian mud. (Thanks to BIGRINGRIDING.)

  55. Flandrian Best // Arm warmers, vests, Belgian booties, and a cap under the helmet.

    While church goers will dress in their Sunday Best for a sermon, when a Cyclist goes to worship in bad weather, they dress in their Flandrian Best.

  56. Flandrian Facial // Covering your face in mud and grit while riding.

    See also Flanders Facial.

  57. Flemish Compact // A 53×39 Chainset.

    Training in winter on your usual hardman chainset of 53×42 is bad for your knees. Changing to a Flemish Compact during VVinter will help spare them. Or, as Museeuw said, “I don’t like the 50T on compacts. It is not big enough for climbing.”

  58. Flemish Facial // Covering your face in mud and grit while riding.

    See also Flanders Facial.

  59. Flemish Tan Lines // Artificial tan lines caused by mud, grit, and cow shit.

    After a Rule #9 ride, the contrast between one’s clean and grit-covered skin is directly proportional to how awesome the ride was.

  60. Flemish Mirror // The reflection of a rider caught in the shiny, rain-soaked tarmac.
  61. Fluidly Harmonic Articulation // Riding in harmony with the bicyle.

    This refers to the symbiotic relationship between oneself and one’s machine. It is characterised by an immovable torso combined with effortlessly gliding pedal rotations. A revelation of harmony and elegance for you resulting in high doses of Rule #5 pain for your fellow riders. This is a state only obtainable when peaking, and is sometimes referred to as La Volupte. (Thanks to Marcus for twisting Jørgen Leth’s words as narrated in The Impossible Hour.)

  62. Fournel’s Theorem // To look good is already to go fast.

    Based on a passage from the fantastic book by Paul Fournel’s, Need for the Bike which in spite of its entirely Rule-Breaking cover photo is perhaps the most perfect collection of Cycling essays ever written.

  63. Fuckness // Any manner of negative physiological effects caused by weather.
  64. Glorious Steel // The exclamation that steel is the finest material for a bicycle.

    See also, Steel is Real. (Thanks to Rusty Tool Shed)

  65. Going Das // To be impossibly hard to as ride a Himalayan Pass.

    More specifically, to be so absurdly hard as to ride a Himalayan pass on a modified rickshaw from sea level, thereby transcending all Rules but Rule #5 and presumably Rule #10.

  66. Goldilocks Principle // Ensuring that bibs and socks are not too long or too short.

    Also applies to any other matter of Good Taste and Sensibility where extremes are unpalatable.

  67. Gravelbone // That feeling you get when you see a beautiful gravel road.
  68. Graveur // A rider who specializes on riding gravel roads.

    Whether its the white Tuscan roads of the Strade Biancha, the roughly graded clay backroads of Northern Minnesota, or the stone gravel mountain passes of the Rocky Mountains, the Graveur knows some of the best riding is to be had off the beaten path of tarmac. A Graveur‘s rig generally resembles a CX bike modified slightly for longer rides higher speeds, but can also be a road bike with extra-wide and durable tires.

  69. G.A.R.T. makes you stronger when you start your training overweight and build strength hauling your fat ass uphill. Thanks @Beers for this one.

  70. Group-san // Shimano.

    Since gruppo is an Italian word, the only gruppo is Campagnolo. Shimano is a Group-San, and SRAM is a Bro-Set. Thanks to Ken Horsnby as nominated by@Daccordi Rider

  71. Gruppo // Campagnolo.

    Since gruppo is an Italian word, the only gruppo is Campagnolo. Shimano is a Group-San, and SRAM is a Bro-Set. Thanks to Ken Horsnby as nominated by @Daccordi Rider

  72. Gun Check // An assessment of the state of your legs.

    How much hurt have your legs absorbed, and how much hurt they are capable of dishing out at any given moment. Whatever you’re doing now, can only be sustained for V more minutes. Own your guns.

  73. Gun Decks // The platforms that absorb the massive force of our guns.

    Every Velominatus knows their guns aren’t their arms (carry those gallons of milk in one at a time, we don’t want to build up too much upper body mass, Hercules) but their legs. And we all know the way to make our bikes go faster is to push harder on the Gun Decks, also known as pedals. Thanks to @Conor via email.

  74. Handlebar Dingleberry // A loose, loopy bit of handlebar tape.

    See also Hasidic Handlebars. (Thanks to McSqueak.)

  75. Happy DeVlaeminck // Being secure in another man massaging your guns.

    See A Sunday in Hell for clarity.

  76. Hardman // The tough-as-nails cyclist.

    Often spotted gliding over cobblestones or mashing up the Koppenberg in the Big Ring in all kinds of weather. This one is not ours, but it bears inclusion here since we use it so much.

  77. Hardmanifesto // The Fundementalist Manifesto followed by the Cognescenti.
  78. Huangism // A trite and/or clichéd remark about a bike

    Commonly made by technical editor, James Huang, whose reviews are sometimes nothing but cliche-riddled re-hashs of manufacturers press release. An example of a Huangism is a statement like “laterally stiff, vertically compliant”.

  79. Inhaling a Wasp // Gasping for air whilst climbing.

    Mouth agape, snarling, dishing out the V. (Thanks to

  80. Like Fuck You Will // A partner’s level of faith in a Cyclist’s follow-through.

    A spouse’s assertion that any promise made towards post-ride activity will be superseded by laying on the couch, complaining about your guns. (Thanks to Marcus)

  81. Luggs // Lugs so sexy they deserve a second “g”.
  82. Mach V // The speed attained by maximum application of Rule #5

    This requires whole body commitment to Sur La Plaque; a profound Knowledge of Rule #85 and Rule #64 are especially important. Thanks to Wilbur. (We wish his name sounded more Rule Fivish for recommending such a cool lexi entry.)

  83. Magnificent Stroke // A rider’s smooth, powerful stroke.

    Pedal stroke.

  84. Masturbation Principle // Rule violations are like masturbation.

    The Keepers understand that from time to time, some riders will violate a Rule or two because of their personal situation. If this is the case, we understand you might do it, but don’t fucking brag about it. Also like masturbation, it is best done where no one can see you and too much of it will make you go blind. Thanks to @Marcus.

  85. Millarcopter // The arcing, spinning motion of a thrown bike.

    This is normally taken on by a bike when ejected over a fence, or the destination of your choice. *Of course, we would never treat our bikes like this, because we pay for ours.

  86. Mini-pumps at Dawn // Challenge to a duel.

    Them’s fightin’ words! A Velominatus’ version of the “Gentleman’s Duel” of the past.

  87. Mount Velomis // The mountain within whose fiery depths were forged The Rules.
  88. Nearly Peaking // Assertion that you are no longer too fat to climb.

    Also may mean to imply that you are in training and approaching form.

  89. Nine Bike // Velomiskrit for Rain Bike

    In honor of its place as the steed of choice during Rule #9 Conditions. Thanks to Nik.

  90. NITRO // None In The Right Order

    Pertaining to Velominati Super Prestige picks, the entirely unawesome scenario where one has selected all the correct picks for the VSP and none of them in the correct position. Thanks to @xyxax.

  91. Onyx Blahniks // Black fi’zi:k R1’s.

    This could also apply the white R1’s as Onyx technically refers to a spectrum of colors. In any case, these shoes set the standard.

  92. Preferably made of orange patent leather.

  93. Oscarito Principle // Gaffer-taping a mini-pump to your frame.
  94. Out of Dish // When someone is acting out of order

    “Hincapie was really out of dish blaming the others in the break for not chasing. What a COTHO!” (Thanks to Cyclops)

  95. Peaking in Two Months // Being out of form and overweight.

    A universal acknowledgement that one is out of form and overweight, while at the same time asserting that you are following a strict training plan and diet and that when you do peak – in two months – you will dish out pain in overwhelming proportions. See also: related video. (Thanks to Andrew)

  96. Pedalwan // A Cycling Sensei‘s protege.
  97. Phantom Aerobars // Resting the forearms on the tops of the bars

    Getting low and aero on standard road bars as if they were riding on aerobar extensions, ala Fabian Cancellara. Thanks to Joe.

  98. Piti Principle // Punishment for violating the spirit of the law.

    A model of punishment wherein a competitor is sanctioned for abusing the system while still technically staying within the specific guidelines.

  99. Plaquetic Acid // Lactic acid building caused by climbing Sur la Plaque.

    The rapid (and often debilitating) build-up of lactic acid in the guns when, in the glorious haze of the Five and Dime, you hit a climb in the big ring which is both longer and steeper than your puny guns can feasibly conquer in the 53t.Ӭ Often accompanied by much wimpering, weaving about the road. Thanks to @maxim.

  100. Post GT Depression // Depression suffered at the conclusion of a Grand Tour.

    The onset of a sense of hopelessness characterized by irritable and manic behavior as access to cycling coverage decreases suddenly from daily to weekly (or less). Treatments include Rule #5, riding, and Rule #5. Thanks to @Ron.

  101. Post-Ride Recovery Drink // A nice, cold, hoppy ale.

    Consumed after a hard ride to restore carbohydrates, proteins, sugars, and Awesome to the body.

  102. Pre-Race Kelly // Going without sex

    Usually involuntarily and often a result of some action involving That Fucking Bike. This can also be a deliberate, voluntary pre-race preparation technique in the spirit of Sean Kelly. Thanks to Buck Rogers.

  103. Principle of Silence // The notion that your bicycle must always be quiet.
  104. Rainbow Turd // Wearing over-matched rainbow kit.

    Wearing full matching white rainbow jersey with white rainbow bibs, and then being crapped out of the back of the bunch when the road goes uphill, as Mario Cipollini did in the 2002 Giro d’Italia.

  105. Recovery Ride Specialist // A rider who never participates in hard rides.

    One who is always on a recovery ride everytime you go out for a spin because they ‘hit it so hard the previous day’. Of course, no one is ever with them when they actually do a hard ride. See also Train Properly. (Thanks to Souleur)

  106. Preferably made of patent-leather and by an Italian cobbler. Thanks to @RedRanger for the photo.

  107. Rimbone // That feeling you get when you see a beautiful set of rims

    This can be either deep dish rims or handbuilt three-cross spoked wheels. (thanks to TexasRouleur).

  108. Rode Like a Lion // The assertion that you rode like a hardman.

    See also: related video. (Thanks to Steampunk)

  109. Rule Holism // The notion of embracing The Rules in their entirety.

    The Rules are simultaneously simple and complex. They are consistent yet rife with contradiction. To embrace them all is to walk the path of La Vie Velominatus.

  110. These are the simple truths of Cycling, compiled and maintained by the Velominati.

  111. RULEV // Research Unit for Logical Explanations of the Velominati

    Velominati’s rogue research team which bases its conclusions primarily on malted beverage-assisted “assertive guessing” in favor of “fact” or “science”.

  112. Schleckanical // Suffering an ill-timed mechanical during the height of competition.

    Extra points if the mechanical could possibly be the rider’s own fault. (Thanks to Xponti.)

  113. Schleckulation // Speculation on how a rider will perform.

    Specifically as it related to predicting if a rider’s less-than-stellar pre-TdF form foretells disaster or represents a ploy to fool rivals. Thanks to Xyxax.

  114. Shampag Moment // A misshift caused by swtiching between Campa and Shimano.

    Referring to the erroneous use a ghost go button or of the inner shift lever when transferring between Gruppo, Group-san, or Bro-Set equipped bikes. Thanks to @CarlyJ.

  115. Shave Horizons // The boundary between smooth gun and hairy limb.

    Once you start shaving your legs, can you stop anywhere short of giving yourself a Brazilian, waxing your chest (men only, obviously), and shaving your eyebrows and head?

  116. Shimanguish // The feeling a Campa rider gets when forced to use Shimano-equipped machine.

    Thanks to @unversio.

  117. Sit Up and Beg // A high, upright riding position.

    The riding position of a cyclist whose bars are placed absurdly high. (Thanks to Gillis.)

  118. Spanish Turbo Session // Riding the turbo in full leggings, long sleeve jersey, and wooly hat.

    The Spanish do this to promote sweating to counter the bloating effect caused by taking cortisone. Allegedly. We do it to fight off the bloating effect caused by eating and drinking too much.

  119. Spinal Tap Black // All black, all the time.

    When something can be none more black, like the color of your kit, frame, saddle, tires, or your soul.

  120. Sprinters Muscle // The middle-aged male gut.

    The monolithic protuberance rising above one’s waist and below one’s rib cage which is a source of explosive power. Ironically, it is the opposite of a six pack but typically acquired by drinking beer. (Thanks to Minion.)

  121. Starter Pistols // The Guns of Navaronne in their primordial state.

    Thanks to mcqueek.

  122. Steerectile Dysfunction // A large stack of spacers or a steep-angle stem.

    The inefficient and aesthetically displeasing setup leading to a sit up and beg riding position. This also applies to any unnecessary stack of spacers piled above the stem, like some sort of Rule #45 safety-chute. (Thanks to @VeloVita)

  123. By the time your overshoes are as tall as a stripper’s Go-Go boots, it’s time to reconsider your life.

  124. Sur La Plaque // French for “Put that thing in the big ring, fucktard.”

    (Literally, to move sur la plaque means to move onto the plate, or the BIG RING.)

  125. Survive on V // The ability to ride well on little training by drawing directly from The V.

    Pronounced Survive on Five.

  126. Switchbone // That feeling you get when you see a beautiful climb.

    The localised swelling resulting from looking at pictures of switchback-laden mountain passes like the Stelvio. (Thanks to @Bianchi Denti.)

  127. Tapering // Not riding in preparation for a big ride.

    Refusing to do any ride of substance because one is tapering to time one’s peak. See also Train Properly and I Am Nearly Peaking.

  128. That Fucking Bike // A derogatory sleight to the Velominatus’ tool, the bike.

    A Velominatus’ domestic partner’s reference to The Craft, who obviously does not understand The Work we do nor have any appreciation for Rule #11. A sample “That Fucking Bike” conversation may be reviewed here. (Thanks to Roadslave525)

  129. The V // Old Velomiskrit for Rule #5

    This has evolved to take on the greater meaning it holds within the Velominati. (Pronounced “The Five”.)

  130. The V Bank // Some days you make deposits, other days you make withdrawals.

    But remember this: this is a bank with steep inactivity fees. Thanks to King Clydesdale

  131. Three-Point System // The proper way to wear a hat.

    The system is a repeatable and reliable process to ensure you Look Fantastic wearing fundamentally ugly objects on your head: the front should be low to the eyes, sides running close to the ears, and the back no deviating below the nape of the neck. More details here.

  132. Toad Head // Wearing the helmet too high upon the head.

    The mushroom-like appearance of wearing a bicycle helmet too high upon the head. (Thanks to Collin.)

  133. Too Fat To Climb // Being too heavy to climb well.

    The assertion that one is overweight and will not be able to climb well. See also:related video. (Thanks to Andrew)

  134. Torchman’s Taint // A saddle sore.

    Only those who have experienced the burning pain of a saddle sore will understand where this notion comes from.

  135. Train Properly // Controlling your pace when riding.

    This figures heavily into the assertion that you are only being passed on a climb because you are following a strict training regimen. See also: related video.

  136. V and VV // Velomiskrit shorthand for Five and Dime.
  137. V-Locus // The sacred point where rider and machine maximally channel The V.

    The Italians call this la posizione. The Flemish call this “riding your bike.”

  138. V-Meter // The fictitious cylcometer which only reports on the V.

    No confusing read-out. No buttons to push. No debate as to what you need to do. Just look down, ruminate briefly on the message conveyed to your oxygen-starved brain and lactate-laden legs, and V the fuck outa there. What’s the gradient of the climb? V. How fast are you going? V. What’s your heart rate doing? Your V-max? You will instantly and unequivocally know the answer.

  139. V-Receptacles // The microscopic organisms that allow us to channel The V.

    A rider’s ability to channel The V is directly proportional to their V-Receptacle count. There are several known ways to increase one’s count, among them continued mediation on The V, Training Properly, consumption of Post-Ride Recovery Ales, and adherence to Rule #2 and Rule #3.

  140. Vampire Tactics // Using a blood-doping ring to win bike races.
  141. Velomihottie // A Velominatus/a who is also a Velominatus/a’s significant other.
  142. Velominada // A Velominatus who has temporarily stopped riding.

    This is typically not due to any reduction in passion, due to outide factors that should be banished, like friends, family, or work.

  143. Velominata // Female cycling disciple of the highest order.

    See also: related video.

  144. Velominati // Plural form of Velominatus.
  145. Velominatus // A cycling disciple of the highest order.
  146. Velominatus Budgetatus // A Velominatus who finds great deals on expensive kit.

    This is a wily creature who always figures out a way to satiate the need for expensive kit using low-cost means. (Thanks to Cyclops)

  147. Velominatus Violatus // A Velominatus who contravenes the Rules.

    Penance is paid in the form of hill repeats and heavy helpings of The V. (Thanks to Geof)

  148. Velominazi // A dogmatic enforcer of The Rules.

    This individual misinterprets the humor and intent behind The Rules and has likely missed their daily dose of humility and humor. They are also not likely to actually ride a bike very much or very well. See also: Adrian. Thanks to Jonathan via @CyclingTips.

  149. Velomiwidow // A Velominatus’ significant other who is not a Cyclist.

    This typically involves them sometimes feeling like they are playing second fiddle to The Bike.

  150. Velomiwookie // An unshaven Velominatus.

    After having failed to shave the guns, now sports a thatch that Chewbacca would be proud of.

  151. VLVV // Velomiskrit shorthand for “Vive la Vie Velominatus”.

    Thanks to Roadslave525.

  152. VMH // Velomiskrit shorthand for Velomihottie.

    A Velominatus/a who is also a Velominatus/a’s significant other.

  153. VMW // Velomiskrit shorthand for Velomiwidow.
  154. Vonk // Failure to find your Rule #91 happy place.
  155. Well Hydrated // Consuming large quantities of alcohol (beer)

    This is usually prior to a ride in an effort to stay properly hydrated. Thanks to Jeff in PetroMetro

  156. Preferably made of patent-leather and by an Italian cobbler.

  157. Wookie Shorts // Shaving your guns to just above the tan line.

    This leaves furry patches above the shorts line that look like Chewbacca got stuck thigh-deep in a pool of Nair.

  158. Yellow Jacket of Authority // A fluoro yellow wind/shower jacket

    In the wild, this is sported by many commuting cyclists and gets its moniker from the smugness and perceived aura of invincibility that seems to emanate from wearers of this garish garment. Also comes in sleeveless version the YVA.

  159. Made by the only company willing to do such a thing, Mavic.



  1. Albutero Clentador // Alberto Contador

    No explanation needed. (Thanks to Eddy Merckx’s Ears)

  2. Bad Cadel // Good Cadel’s alter-ego.
  3. Beaker // Bradley Wiggins

    Just because he looks and speaks just like Beaker. Thanks to LA Dave.

  4. Billions and Billions // Peter Sagan, not to be confused with Carl Sagan.
  5. Boss Hog // Edvald Boasson Hagen

    Who looks nothing like ol’ Boss Hog, but his name is irresitable.

  6. Brothers Grimpeur // Frank and Andy Schleck

    Like the Brothers Grimm, except instead of writing scary tales, these brothers are scary grimpeurs.

  7. Cadelephant // The result of a mixture of Rule #5 and rainbows.
  8. Carlo’s Ashtray // Carlos Sastre

    Like a cigarette, one minute on fire, smokin’, then extinguished and dropped like a bad habit. Not cool anymore.

  9. Carlos Disaster // Carlos Sastre

    Because since winning the Tour in ’08, that’s what he’s been. (Thanks to Vaughn)

  10. Cavendouche // Mark Canvendish

    Because despite his formidible sprinting prowess, the kid is a bit of douchebag.

  11. Clenbutador // Alberto Contador

    After his positive test for Clenbuterol. (Thanks to Dermot K)

  12. Count Dracula // Alexandre Vinokourov

    For his bloodlust.

  13. Cuddles // A soft, stuffed Cadelephant.
  14. Damiano Can-he-go // For Damiano Cunego

    The answer to this question seems to be unclear.

  15. David A-Yo-Yo // David Arroyo

    For his off the back-back on again riding style as he gallantly defended his Giro d’Italia lead.

  16. Degencobble // John Degenkolb

    The cobble-eating winner of the 2015 Paris-Roubaix.

  17. Dickweed Giovanni // Team Diquigiovanni

    Because this is how the commentators on Universal Sports pronounce it.

  18. Dirty Sanchez // Samuel Sanchez

    Because he’s dirty, and we simply couldn’t resist.

  19. Dumpoulin // Tom Dumoulin

    For his emergency rest stop during stage 16 of the 2017 Giro d’Italia.

  20. The Ego-testicle // Lance Armstrong

    Makes up for his lack of balls with an inflated sense of self-importance. Who else could it be?

  21. Faboo // A homo-erotic reference to Spartacus and his “dreamy eyes”.
  22. Floyd Slanders // Floyd Landis

    Or any combination of the above…

  23. Frandy // The collective Schlecks.
  24. Fraud Landis // Floyd Landis

    Or this?

  25. GaGa // Phil Gibert

    The Belgian JaJa.

  26. Gandalf // Alessandro Petacchi

    For his Gandalf-like violation of Rule #59 to keep Cavendish from passing him during the Stage 3 gallop in the 2011 Giro. Thanks to Steampunk.

  27. George Hincrappy // George Hincapie.

    Sorry – we love you (I Heart Hincrappy) and wish you all the success in the world, but while you ride like a hardman – when you start talking…

  28. Gilbackwards // Philippe Gilbert

    For his riding style up the bergs in Vlaanderen in 2012.

  29. Good Cadel // Cadel Evans

    Depending on the results he produces, Cadel Evans can be good, bad, or almost good enough. This one comes from his comment at the 2010 Amstel Gold Race, “I was good, I was good, I was good and then I was bad.” Other variations of this moniker include, “Almost Good Enough Cadel”, “Not Quite Good Enough Cadel”, and his first name often is exchanged for his last name.

  30. Grimpelder // Frank Schleck, the older of the Brothers Grimpeur.
  31. Grimpito // Andy Schleck, the younger of the Brothers Grimpeur.
  32. Grimplette // Andy Schleck, the younger of the Brothers Grimpeur.
  33. Heinrich Sauceler // Heinrich Haussler

    For his “I’m out with an injury and thus will be going on the sauce” coping mechanism.

  34. Huevo Lancheros // Lance Armstrong

    … do we really have to explain it?

  35. Invisible Denis // Denis MenchovRobert Gesink.

    For his hide until the time trial methods of getting a Tour podium.

  36. Jacky Bobby // Jack Bobridge

    Young Aussie upstart gonna come at the peloton like a spider monkey.

  37. Johnny Prikkeldraad // Johnny Hoogerland

    For famously surviving a 60km/h introduction to a barbed-wire fence. (Prikkeldraad is the Dutch word for “barbed-wire”.)

  38. Judas Gadret // John Gadret

    For not only refusing to lend a hand to his team leader, Nicolas Roche during the 2010 Tour de France, but going on the attack when he suffered a puncture. Thanks to Marcus.

  39. Keep’em Gesink // Robert Gesink.

    Because you never know if he’s gonna suck, crash, or crush.

  40. LeakyGas // Team Liquigas

    Because we’d hate to ride in the paceline behind one of these guys. Old El Paso should consider sponsorship.

  41. LeMan // Greg Lemond

    He won three Tours, laid down the fastest ITT in tour history, and is responsible for probably the most exciting (surely the closest) Tour of all time. He is The Man.

  42. LeMonster // Greg LeMond

    The young, combative animal Greg LeMond who exuded class on the bike. (Thanks to Dan O)

  43. Lenault // Lemond-Hinault

    In 1986 at La Vie Claire, vying not only for team leadership, but for Tour dominance.

  44. Levi Eggtimer // Levi Leipheimer

    For his egg-shaped noggin.Plus the time it takes him to get up a hill is like waiting for an egg to boil. And like an underdone egg, Levi is soft in the centre and cracks easily.

  45. LL ‘Cool J’ Sanchez // Luis Leon Sanchez.
  46. The Manx Mouth // Mark Canvendish

    I think we were the first on this one, but in any case, this one also refers to Markie Mark.

  47. Mark Reckshaw // Mark Renshaw

    For his unorthodox leadout style.(Thanks to Marcus)

  48. Mark Rickshaw // Mark Renshaw

    For his superb ability to drag Mark Cavendish to the line.

  49. Michael Ras-missin’ // Michael Rasmussen

    The ‘Where’s Wally?’ of the peloton.

  50. Michael Rasjuicin // Michael Rasmussen

    They feed chickens hormones, don’t they?

  51. Motorcus // A power-assisted Spartacus.
  52. Pharmstrong // Lance Armstrong

    For his (and his team’s) involvement in doping throughout his career; his organization could easily have doubled as a pharmaceutical business.

  53. Pippi Longstockings // Bradley Wiggins

    For his too-long socks. See also: Goldilocks Principle. Thanks to @VeloVita.

  54. Piti // Alejandro Valverde

    For his code name in Operación Puerto.

  55. A stretch of terribly steep, unpaved road where an uphill time trial takes place in the Giro d’Italia. You gotta have some stones to send a race up that bit of road.

  56. Potato // Filippo Pozzato

    You say potato, I say Pozzato.

  57. The Prophet // Eddy Merckx

    The Chosen one, the Hardest Man of Them All, the man who, by the very sweat from his mighty guns, etched into stone The Rules.

  58. QuietKowski // Michał Kwiatkowski

    The quiet Pole with a big engine.

  59. RatPack // Tony Martin.

    The lovechild of Tony Curtis and Dean Martin. (Thanks to Jarvis)

  60. Reeeshard Virenque // Richard Virenque

    (Thanks to Michael)

  61. Retirement Shack // Where old egos go to die.
  62. Rob-a-bank // Too easy, but given the economic climate, it’s rather fitting.
  63. Roid Landis // Floyd Landis

    Does this really need explanation?

  64. The Russian Rug Salesman // Vladimir Karpets

    For his name and the sports the world’s worst haircut.

  65. For his love of the party drugs.

  66. The Spanish Steak // Alberto Contador

    The new poster child now for the organic, free-range, grass fed beef movement. (Thanks to KitCarson)

  67. The Spotted Dick // Richard Virenque

    For his 7 stints in the dotty jumper.

  68. T-Bone Hamilton // Tyler Hamilton

    First for his tendency to break bones, and then for his tendency to suck.

  69. Teeny Bettini // Paolo Bettini

    For the pint-sized Italian star.

  70. Tom Blownen // Tom Boonen

    Because he loves the white line fever.

  71. Tricky Dickie // Richard Virenque
  72. Do we really need to explain this one?

  73. Twistin Banged and Felled // Christian Vande Velde

    For his unfortunate proclivity towards falling off his bike and breaking important bits of his body. (Thanks to Geof)

  74. Tyler Shamilton // Tyler Hamilton

    For all the shams he tried to pull…disappearing twin? Really?

  75. Veino // Alexandre Vinokourov

    Because he never doped, but now obliquely refers to “the dark years” of his career and insists that he is now honest and wants to prove bike races can be won without the use of the vampire tactics.

  76. VV Dam // Laurens Ten Dam

    The big Dutchman emodies the Five and Dime, and two V’s make Ten. He also posts ‘ Rule #5 rides’ on Strava and owns a copy of The Rules. Pronounced “Five and Dime Dam”.

  77. Who-tarovich // Yauheni Hutarovich

    For his sprint from obscurity to a GT stage winner. (Thanks to Dermot K)

The majority of these terms were coined by the Velominati or one of our readers, but for those terms which we have borrowed, we endeavored to give credit where credit is due.  If we missed you, please let us know and we’ll give you your well-deserved props.

  1. @ChrisO, @wiscot

    Dumpoulin has to be his nickname, ala Deggencobble, albeit less flattering. But @wiscot‘s “Taking a Tommy” is perfect. So, @ChrisO, I’ll use your defintion and @wiscot‘s label.

  2. @wiscot


    A new one for the Lexicon I think… Dumpoulin .

    When cameramen, photographers and millions of viewers expect something completely different to what they actually see.

    To be used as a verb.

    “When he grabbed my cap I thought he needed some shade, but then he started Dumpoulin all over the place… I just wish he hadn’t given it back as well.”

    Or, “hey guys, can we stop a minute, I really gotta take a Tommy.”


    Byciclautist: a rider who always finishes his training rides on a round number.

  3. Sandbragging: when you struggle to bridge up to a stranger on a training ride, say hello, and they offhandedly comment that they’re out of shape and their spin is shot.

  4. The internet claims that “Belgian toothpaste” is facial mud and grime from riding in harsh (probably cobbly) conditions. Can we sort this out?

  5. CRABON, that material they make ultra expensive bikes out that only rookie Amazon employees can afford #youaintearnedthatpinarellodude

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