The Lexicon

The Velominati have our own set of nicknames and terms which have developed over time through posts and correspondence. Some of these are names of landmarks or terms in cycling; others are nicknames for some of the riders in the pro peloton. While not intended to be offensive or derogatory, the nicknames in the list represent the riders’ personalities or their reputations; usually little more than a play on words, these are intended to be a bit of fun in the sometimes too-serious world of cycling.

*Of course, names such as The Cannibal, The Badger, Mr Roubaix, Der Kaiser and Il Pirata are taken as read, and should be well enough recognised by any Velominatus to warrant their non-inclusion in this list.

Jump to: TermsNicknames

Terms

  1. A Tommy // (v.)When cameramen, photographers and millions of viewers expect something completely different to what they actually see.
  2. Orange Damsels // Orange cycling shoes.Preferably made of orange patent leather.
  3. Climber in a Gorilla Suit // A large rider who climbs too well for their weight.A big, heavy beast of a rider who goes uphill like an angel with wings. Thanks to @urbanwhitetrash
  4. NITRO // None In The Right OrderPertaining to Velominati Super Prestige picks, the entirely unawesome scenario where one has selected all the correct picks for the VSP and none of them in the correct position. Thanks to @xyxax.
  5. Belgian Gatorade // Beer, whether it be in the bidon or not.Thanks to @fignons-barber.
  6. Spanish Turbo Session // Riding the turbo in full leggings, long sleeve jersey, and wooly hat.The Spanish do this to promote sweating to counter the bloating effect caused by taking cortisone. Allegedly. We do it to fight off the bloating effect caused by eating and drinking too much.
  7. Spanish Turbo Sessions // Plural of Spanish Turbo Session.
  8. Velominatus // A cycling disciple of the highest order.
  9. Velominati // Plural form of Velominatus.
  10. Velominata // Female cycling disciple of the highest order.See also: related video.
  11. Velomihottie // A Velominatus/a who is also a Velominatus/a’s significant other.
  12. VMH // Velomiskrit shorthand for Velomihottie.A Velominatus/a who is also a Velominatus/a’s significant other.
  13. VMW // Velomiskrit shorthand for Velomiwidow.
  14. Velominada // A Velominatus who has temporarily stopped riding.This is typically not due to any reduction in passion, due to outide factors that should be banished, like friends, family, or work.
  15. Velomiwidow // A Velominatus’ significant other who is not a Cyclist.This typically involves them sometimes feeling like they are playing second fiddle to The Bike.
  16. Velomiwookie // An unshaven Velominatus.After having failed to shave the guns, now sports a thatch that Chewbacca would be proud of.
  17. Mount Velomis // The mountain within whose fiery depths were forged The Rules.
  18. V-Receptacles // The microscopic organisms that allow us to channel The V.A rider’s ability to channel The V is directly proportional to their V-Receptacle count. There are several known ways to increase one’s count, among them continued mediation on The V, Training Properly, consumption of Post-Ride Recovery Ales, and adherence to Rule 2 and Rule 3.
  19. The Rules // The canon of cycling’s etiquetteThese are the simple truths of Cycling, compiled and maintained by the Velominati.
  20. Hardman // The tough-as-nails cyclist.Often spotted gliding over cobblestones or mashing up the Koppenberg in the Big Ring in all kinds of weather. This one is not ours, but it bears inclusion here since we use it so much.
  21. Cogal // A meeting of Velominati for a day of cycling and beer.Just as the Illuminati would stage their fabled, and somewhat feared Cabals, the Velominati stage our own modern-day versions, the Cogals.  A meeting of like-minded misfits brought together by the promise of beer, preceded by a bike ride. A Cogal distinguishes itself from other group rides by the following criteria. First, Cogals are organized and supported through Velominati, though not necessarily a Keeper (legally speaking, however, we have no involvement, so if you crash or die, it’s your own problem. Second, a Cogal is a day-long undertaking that focuses 100% on the bike. The rides are categorized (Casually Deliberate, Rule 5, Rule 10, for example) but are long. This is what you’re doing today, nothing else; see Rule 4. Third, Cogals always include a session of Malted Recovery Beverage Consumption after the ride. Whenever possible, it should also include a pre-ride espresso.
  22. Cognoscenti // The sect of Rule 5 Fundamentalists.We don’t strictly endorse their interpretation, but like the Catholics and Opus Dei, we recognize them as part of our own.
  23. Cognoscentus // A Rule 5 Fundamentalist.
  24. Cognoscentrix // A female Rule 5 Fundamentalist.
  25. Coefficient of Difficulty // The pre-determined degree of difficulty for each ride.There is a pre-determined Coefficient of Difficulty for each Velominatus on each ride. Velominati are capable of registering their training regimen by a CoD being no less than V and working towards an intensity of  VV. The three Coefficients of Difficulty are V, V.V and VV. Thanks to @unversio.
  26. Hardmanifesto // The Fundementalist Manifesto followed by the Cognescenti.
  27. Rule Holism // The notion of embracing The Rules in their entirety.The Rules are simultaneously simple and complex. They are consistent yet rife with contradiction. To embrace them all is to walk the path of La Vie Velominatus.
  28. A-Merckx // A declaration of affirmation used by a VelominatusThis can be used in many conversational instances or when in worship as a concluding word for prayers and hymns to the Great Gods of Cycling.  (This is not to be confused with the first initial and last name of Eddy’ Merckx’s son, Axel.)
  29. V-Meter // The fictitious cylcometer which only reports on the V.No confusing read-out. No buttons to push. No debate as to what you need to do. Just look down, ruminate briefly on the message conveyed to your oxygen-starved brain and lactate-laden legs, and V the fuck outa there. What’s the gradient of the climb? V. How fast are you going?  V. What’s your heart rate doing?  Your V-max? You will instantly and unequivocally know the answer.
  30. V-Locus // The sacred point where rider and machine maximally channel The V.The Italians call this la posizione. The Flemish call this “riding your bike.”
  31. The V // Old Velomiskrit for Rule 5This has evolved to take on the greater meaning it holds within the Velominati. (Pronounced “The Five”.)
  32. The Anti-V // The forces in life that cause you to not observe The V.The Anti-V manifests itself in an absence of those things we love most about cycling: a combination of guts, class, and panache. Wheel-sucking, bragging, and poor sportsmanship are examples of the Anti-V. (Thanks to KitCarson.)
  33. Five and Dime // Laying down The V in the wholesale commitment to Rule 10.
  34. Rule V // Rule #5
  35. Rule VV // Rule #10
  36. V and VV // Velomiskrit shorthand for Five and Dime.
  37. Five Face // Any facial expression that demonstrates a holistic commitment to Rule #5.As kindly demonstrated hmyah.
  38. VLVV // Velomiskrit shorthand for “Vive la Vie Velominatus”.Thanks to Roadslave525.
  39. The V Bank // Some days you make deposits, other days you make withdrawals.But remember this: this is a bank with steep inactivity fees. Thanks to King Clydesdale
  40. Velominazi // A dogmatic enforcer of The Rules.This individual misinterprets the humor and intent behind The Rules and has likely missed their daily dose of humility and humor. They are also not likely to actually ride a bike very much or very well. See also: Adrian. Thanks to Jonathan via @CyclingTips.
  41. Flemish Mirror // The reflection of a rider caught in the shiny, rain-soaked tarmac.
  42. Flandrian Best // Arm warmers, vests, Belgian booties, and a cap under the helmet.While church goers will dress in their Sunday Best for a sermon, when a Cyclist goes to worship in bad weather, they dress in their Flandrian Best.
  43. Flemish Tan Lines // Artificial tan lines caused by mud, grit, and cow shit.After a Rule 9 ride, the contrast between one’s clean and grit-covered skin is directly proportional to how awesome the ride was.
  44. Principle of Silence // The notion that your bicycle must always be quiet.
  45. Goldilocks Principle // Ensuring that bibs and socks are not too long or too short.Also applies to any other matter of Good Taste and Sensibility where extremes are unpalatable.
  46. Graveur // A rider who specializes on riding gravel roads.Whether its the white Tuscan roads of the Strade Biancha, the roughly graded clay backroads of Northern Minnesota, or the stone gravel mountain passes of the Rocky Mountains, the Graveur knows some of the best riding is to be had off the beaten path of tarmac. A Graveur’s rig generally resembles a CX bike modified slightly for longer rides higher speeds, but can also be a road bike with extra-wide and durable tires.
  47. Gun Check // An assessment of the state of your legs.How much hurt have your legs absorbed, and how much hurt they are capable of dishing out at any given moment. Whatever you’re doing now, can only be sustained for V more minutes. Own your guns.
  48. Carbone // That feeling you get when you see a beautiful bike.
  49. Climbone // That feeling you get when you see a beautiful climb. (Thanks to Collin)
  50. Cobblebone // That feeling you get when you see an roughly paved roadThis is most acutely felt in the presence of rough cobblestones. Thanks to @BianchiDenti
  51. Rimbone // That feeling you get when you see a beautiful set of rimsThis can be either deep dish rims or handbuilt three-cross spoked wheels. (thanks to TexasRouleur).
  52. Switchbone // That feeling you get when you see a beautiful climb.The localised swelling resulting from looking at pictures of switchback-laden mountain passes like the Stelvio. (Thanks to @Bianchi Denti.)
  53. Piti Principle // Punishment for violating the spirit of the law.A model of punishment wherein a competitor is sanctioned for abusing the system while still technically staying within the specific guidelines.
  54. Dotty Jumper // The Polka-Dot jersey.The spotted jersey given in the drug-riddled King of the Mountains competition at the Tour de France.
  55. Peaking in Two Months // Being out of form and overweight.A universal acknowledgement that one is out of form and overweight, while at the same time asserting that you are following a strict training plan and diet and that when you do peak – in two months – you will dish out pain in overwhelming proportions. See also: related video. (Thanks to Andrew)
  56. Nearly Peaking // Assertion that you are no longer too fat to climb.Also may mean to imply that you are in training and approaching form.
  57. Train Properly // Controlling your pace when riding.This figures heavily into the assertion that you are only being passed on a climb because you are following a strict training regimen.  See also: related video.
  58. Too Fat To Climb // Being too heavy to climb well.The assertion that one is overweight and will not be able to climb well. See also:related video. (Thanks to Andrew)
  59. Climb Well For My Weight // Being a good climber relative to your weight/size.The assertion that despite your size, you are still a reasonable climber.  See also:related video. (Thanks to Steampunk)
  60. Belly Breathing // Excusing a gut as a breathing technique.The assertion that one is not sporting a protruding gut but is in fact using a highly sophisticated respiration technique called diaphragmatic breathing.
  61. Rode Like a Lion // The assertion that you rode like a hardman.See also: related video. (Thanks to Steampunk)
  62. Magnificent Stroke // A rider’s smooth, powerful stroke.Pedal stroke.
  63. Tapering // Not riding in preparation for a big ride.Refusing to do any ride of substance because one is tapering to time one’s peak.  See also Train Properly and I Am Nearly Peaking.
  64. Recovery Ride Specialist // A rider who never participates in hard rides.One who is always on a recovery ride everytime you go out for a spin because they ‘hit it so hard the previous day’. Of course, no one is ever with them when they actually do a hard ride.  See also Train Properly. (Thanks to Souleur)
  65. Yellow Jacket of Authority // A fluoro yellow wind/shower jacketIn the wild, this is sported by many commuting cyclists and gets its moniker from the smugness and perceived aura of invincibility that seems to emanate from wearers of this garish garment.  Also comes in sleeveless version the YVA.
  66. YJA // Shorthand for Yellow Jacket of Authority.
  67. Cycleway Hero // Cyclists who treat their daily commute as races.The commute is seen as a way to prove their manhood by wheel-sucking, or blasting past on their squeaky MTBs whilst wearing a YJA.  Never says ‘hello’. Considers fellow commuters to be their competition and sworn enemies.
  68. Commuter Grand Prix // The domain of the Cycleway Hero.Only they know where the intermediate sprints, KOM and finish line is, and they are never beaten.
  69. Sit Up and Beg // A high, upright riding position.The riding position of a cyclist whose bars are placed absurdly high.  (Thanks to Gillis.)
  70. Vampire Tactics // Using a blood-doping ring to win bike races.
  71. Oscarito Principle // Gaffer-taping a mini-pump to your frame.
  72. Huangism // A trite and/or clichéd remark about a bikeCommonly made by CyclingNews.com technical editor, James Huang, whose reviews are sometimes nothing but cliche-riddled re-hashs of manufacturers press release. An example of a Huangism is a statement like “laterally stiff, vertically compliant”.
  73. Breeding and Blimping // Having kids and gaining weight.The process of gaining weight after becoming a parent due to a shift in priorities.
  74. Like Fuck You Will // A partner’s level of faith in a Cyclist’s follow-through.A spouse’s assertion that any promise made towards post-ride activity will be superseded by laying on the couch, complaining about your guns. (Thanks to Marcus)
  75. COTHO // C*nt Of The Highest Order.See also Pharmstrong, Veino, Pharmstrong, Contador, Pharmstrong, Piti, Johan Bruyneel, Pharmstrong, Ricco, Hein Verbrugge, and Pat McQuaid – depending on your perspective. (Thanks to Geof)
  76. Rainbow Turd // Wearing over-matched rainbow kit.Wearing full matching white rainbow jersey with white rainbow bibs, and then being crapped out of the back of the bunch when the road goes uphill, as Mario Cipollini did in the 2002 Giro d’Italia.
  77. Cadelephantiasis // A sudden increase in toughness and aggressive riding.Specifically, the increasing in size of one’s gonads to gargantuan proportions when exposed to rainbows, as was the case with Cadel Evans.
  78. White Ladies // White cycling shoesPreferably made of patent-leather and by an Italian cobbler.
  79. Yellow Princesses // Yellow cycling shoes.Made by the only company willing to do such a thing, Mavic.
  80. Red Damsels // Red cycling shoes.Preferably made of patent-leather and by an Italian cobbler. Thanks to @RedRanger for the photo.
  81. Black Widows // Black cycling shoes.Preferably made of patent-leather and by an Italian cobbler.
  82. Dark Knights // An alternative moniker for The Black Widows.Thanks to Omar for his Batman-inspired dissertation.
  83. Aristocrats // White/black cycling shoes.The combination of white and black in a fine Italian patent leather shoe, as perfectly demonstrated  here.
  84. Silver Bullets // Silver cycling shoes.
  85. Inhaling a Wasp // Gasping for air whilst climbing.Mouth agape, snarling, dishing out the V. (Thanks to BigRingRiding.com)
  86. Communing with Butterflies // Climbing so slowly that butterflies nest in your spokes“The last time I climbed it a butterfly flew through my front wheel completely unscathed.” (Thanks to Cyclops)
  87. Out of Dish // When someone is acting out of order“Hincapie was really out of dish blaming the others in the break for not chasing. What a COTHO!”  (Thanks to Cyclops)
  88. Fluidly Harmonic Articulation // Riding in harmony with the bicyle.This refers to the symbiotic relationship between oneself and one’s machine. It is characterised by an immovable torso combined with effortlessly gliding pedal rotations. A revelation of harmony and elegance for you resulting in high doses of Rule 5 pain for your fellow riders. This is a state only obtainable when peaking, and is sometimes referred to as La Volupte. (Thanks to Marcus for twisting Jørgen Leth’s words as narrated in The Impossible Hour.)
  89. Adrian // Being an annoying, if harmless, twatwaffle.An Adrian also exhibits poor spelling and grammar while attempting to make points.
  90. Glorious Steel // The exclamation that steel is the finest material for a bicycle. See also, Steel is Real. (Thanks to Rusty Tool Shed)
  91. That Fucking Bike // A derogatory sleight to the Velominatus’ tool, the bike.A Velominatus’ domestic partner’s reference to The Craft, who obviously does not understand The Work we do nor have any appreciation for Rule 11. A sample “That Fucking Bike” conversation may be reviewed here. (Thanks to Roadslave525)
  92. Handlebar Dingleberry // A loose, loopy bit of handlebar tape.See also Hasidic Handlebars. (Thanks to McSqueak.)
  93. Belgian Style // Riding primarily with hands positioned on the hoods.“Look how clean the tape is on that dude’s drops! He must be a Belgian Style specialist.”
  94. Velominatus Budgetatus // A Velominatus who finds great deals on expensive kit.This is a wily creature who always figures out a way to satiate the need for expensive kit using low-cost means. (Thanks to Cyclops)
  95. Velominatus Violatus // A Velominatus who contravenes the Rules.Penance is paid in the form of hill repeats and heavy helpings of The V. (Thanks to Geof)
  96. Fendangelist // Fender (mud guard) evangalist.A rider who insists on pointing out and scolding riders in a group who fail to ride with fenders, pointing out the many reasons they should do so in the future.
  97. Three-Point System // The proper way to wear a hat.The system is a  repeatable and reliable process to ensure you Look Fantastic wearing fundamentally ugly objects on your head: the front should be low to the eyes, sides running close to the ears, and the back no deviating below the nape of the neck. More details here.
  98. Toad Head // Wearing the helmet too high upon the head.The mushroom-like appearance of wearing a bicycle helmet too high upon the head. (Thanks to Collin.)
  99. Dork Disc // The useless plastic guard that is installed on bicyclesThis part exists for the same reason as blue M&Ms: one we can’t explain.
  100. EPMS // Velomiskrit for European Posterior Man Satchel.A saddlebag.
  101. Millarcopter // The arcing, spinning motion of a thrown bike.This is normally taken on by a bike when ejected over a fence, or the destination of your choice. *Of course, we would never treat our bikes like this, because we pay for ours.
  102. Schleckanical // Suffering an ill-timed mechanical during the height of competition.Extra points if the mechanical could possibly be the rider’s own fault. (Thanks to Xponti.)
  103. Casually Deliberate // The easy sense of style and calm exuded by a Velominatus. This is true whether they are on the bike, off the bike and is exhibited by a sharp dress sense and air of confidence. Details here.
  104. Bel Mezzo // Mezzo in Italian vernacular stands for means of transportI’m showing you my new bike and you say: bel mezzo!  (Thanks to Pedale Forchetta.)
  105. Well Hydrated // Consuming large quantities of alcohol (beer)This is usually prior to a ride in an effort to stay properly hydrated. Thanks to Jeff in PetroMetro
  106. Flanders Facial // Covering your face in mud and grit while riding.The fashionable “in” look of the Spring season whereby the cyclist’s face is caked with mud in the tradition of the Spring Classics.  Note: any mud will do, not just Flandrian mud.  (Thanks to BIGRINGRIDING.)
  107. Flandrian Facial // Covering your face in mud and grit while riding. See also Flanders Facial.
  108. Flemish Facial // Covering your face in mud and grit while riding. See also Flanders Facial.
  109. Luggs // Lugs so sexy they deserve a second “g”.
  110. Mini-pumps at Dawn // Challenge to a duel.Them’s fightin’ words!  A Velominatus’ version of the “Gentleman’s Duel” of the past.
  111. Sprinters Muscle // The middle-aged male gut.The monolithic protuberance rising above one’s waist and below one’s rib cage which is a source of explosive power.  Ironically, it is the opposite of a six pack but typically acquired by drinking beer. (Thanks to Minion.)
  112. Brommer // Motorcus’s bike.Derived (read:taken wholesale) from the Dutch word for moped.
  113. Belgian Toothpaste // The thick, sticky spit you get when laying down the V.Thanks to ZachOlson.
  114. Spinal Tap Black // All black, all the time.When something can be none more black, like the color of your kit, frame, saddle, tires, or your soul.
  115. Sur La Plaque // French for “Put that thing in the big ring, fucktard.” (Literally, to move sur la plaque means to move onto the plate, or the BIG RING.)
  116. Carbon Craplet // The carbon framed bikes that are passed on a climb or sprintThis is best emphasized as you hammer on your Old Skule steel. e.g “I dropped a half dozen Carbon Craplets on the River Road sprint.” Thanks to Ray Bransky.
  117. Mach V // The speed attained by maximum application of Rule 5 This requires whole body commitment to Sur La Plaque; a profound Knowledge of Rule 85 and Rule 64 are especially important. Thanks to Wilbur. (We wish his name sounded more Rule Fivish for recommending such a cool lexi entry.)
  118. Delgado // Missing the start of the VSP or any other event.Inspired by Pedro Delgado’s 1989 late Tour start (as defending champion.)
  119. Cycling Sensei // A velominatus’ highly revered mentorThis mentor teaches and guides us in the finer ways of our Sport.
  120. Pedalwan // A Cycling Sensei’s protege.
  121. Pedalwan Learner // A Cycling Sensei’s student.
  122. Starter Pistols // The Guns of Navaronne in their primordial state.Thanks to mcqueek.
  123. Schleckulation // Speculation on how a rider will perform.Specifically as it related to predicting if a rider’s less-than-stellar pre-TdF form foretells disaster or represents a ploy to fool rivals. Thanks to Xyxax.
  124. Phantom Aerobars // Resting the forearms on the tops of the barsGetting low and aero on standard road bars as if they were riding on aerobar extensions, ala Fabian Cancellara. Thanks to Joe.
  125. Pre-Race Kelly // Going without sexUsually involuntarily and often a result of some action involving That Fucking Bike. This can also be a deliberate, voluntary pre-race preparation technique in the spirit of Sean Kelly. Thanks to Buck Rogers.
  126. Post-Ride Recovery Drink // A nice, cold, hoppy ale.Consumed after a hard ride to restore carbohydrates, proteins, sugars, and Awesome to the body.
  127. Recovery Ale // See Post-Ride Recovery Drink.
  128. Recovery Ales // See Post-Ride Recovery Drink.
  129. Fuckness // Any manner of negative physiological effects caused by weather.
  130. Dirty Schleck Love // The illogical hero-worship of any cyclistParticularly one who has yet to make the most of his ability. It is the velomotion that daren’t speak its name. (Thanks to Marcus)
  131. Chicked // Getting your ass dropped by a Velominata.We’re all peaking in two months; set your male insecurities aside and train harder, jackhole. (Thanks @Jen)
  132. Dutch Gel Shot // A packet of mayonnaise.(Thanks to @Mcsqueek)
  133. Brian // Brian will crush your ego and is of the same sub-species as AdrianThe guy who bridges up to you on a ride, usually a climb, wearing items like khaki shorts, a camelback, and clip-ons, breaking any given number of Rules and then proceeds to ride you off his wheel. (Thanks @sgt and @Nate)
  134. Vonk // Failure to find your Rule 91 happy place.
  135. Steerectile Dysfunction // A large stack of spacers or a steep-angle stem.The inefficient and aesthetically displeasing setup leading to a sit up and beg riding position. This also applies to any unnecessary stack of spacers piled above the stem, like some sort of Rule 45 safety-chute. (Thanks to @VeloVita)
  136. Gruppo // Campagnolo.Since gruppo is an Italian word, the only gruppo is Campagnolo. Shimano is a Group-San, and SRAM is a Bro-Set. Thanks to Ken Horsnby as nominated by @Daccordi Rider
  137. Group-san // Shimano.Since gruppo is an Italian word, the only gruppo is Campagnolo. Shimano is a Group-San, and SRAM is a Bro-Set. Thanks to Ken Horsnby as nominated by@Daccordi Rider
  138. Bro-Set // SRAM.Since gruppo is an Italian word, the only gruppo is Campagnolo. Shimano is a Group-San, and SRAM is a Bro-Set. Thanks to Ken Horsnby as nominated by @Daccordi Rider
  139. Gun Decks // The platforms that absorb the massive force of our guns.Every Velominatus knows their guns aren’t their arms (carry those gallons of milk in one at a time, we don’t want to build up too much upper body mass, Hercules) but their legs. And we all know the way to make our bikes go faster is to push harder on the Gun Decks, also known as pedals. Thanks to @Conor via email.
  140. Onyx Blahniks // Black fi’zi:k R1’s. This could also apply the white R1’s as Onyx technically refers to a spectrum of colors. In any case, these shoes set the standard.
  141. Post GT Depression // Depression suffered at the conclusion of a Grand Tour.The onset of a sense of hopelessness characterized by irritable and manic behavior as access to cycling coverage decreases suddenly from daily to weekly (or less). Treatments include Rule 5, riding, and Rule 5. Thanks to @Ron.
  142. Cycling Shit Sandwich // A triathlonAlso referred to as the CSS, the Cycling Shit Sandwich is characterized by an event which begins with prolonged near-drowning and ends with trying to outrun the slowest person in your vicinity. May also involve a conclusive demonstration of a lack of motor skills. Thanks to @ralph.
  143. Charismatically Poisoned // Carrying a good beer buzz.Its a scientifically proven fact that people are more charismatic when drinking alcohol. Alcohol is also a poison. Thus, drinking makes us charismatically poisoned. Thanks to Mikael Liddy.
  144. Wookie Shorts // Shaving your guns to just above the tan line.This leaves furry patches above the shorts line that look like Chewbacca got stuck thigh-deep in a pool of Nair.
  145. Shave Horizons // The boundary between smooth gun and hairy limb.Once you start shaving your legs, can you stop anywhere short of giving yourself a Brazilian, waxing your chest (men only, obviously), and shaving your eyebrows and head?
  146. Escape Velocity // The speed at which you spin out your top gear.This is the critical point at which all speed has been coaxed from your machine and you have wrung the top end out of your block. “I hit escape velocity on that descent and I had to break out my LeMond tuck.”
  147. Masturbation Principle // Rule violations are like masturbation.The Keepers understand that from time to time, some riders will violate a Rule or two because of their personal situation. If this is the case, we understand you might do it, but don’t fucking brag about it. Also like masturbation, it is best done where no one can see you and too much of it will make you go blind. Thanks to @Marcus.
  148. Gravity Assisted Resistance Training // The upshot of being Too Fat To Climb G.A.R.T. makes you stronger when you start your training overweight and build strength hauling your fat ass uphill. Thanks @Beers for this one.
  149. Flemish Compact // A 53×39 Chainset.Training in winter on your usual hardman chainset of 53×42 is bad for your knees. Changing to a Flemish Compact during VVinter will help spare them. Or, as Museeuw said, “I don’t like the 50T on compacts. It is not big enough for climbing.”
  150. Torchman’s Taint // A saddle sore.Only those who have experienced the burning pain of a saddle sore will understand where this notion comes from.
  151. Festum Prophetae // A celebration of the birth of The Prophet, Eddy MerckxThe Velominati observe His birthday, June 17, in our own ways. Some stage Cogals, others ride in wool jerseys, others just pour an ounce of Tripel on the ground in his honor. (But seriously, don’t spill beer.)
  152. Survive on V // The ability to ride well on little training by drawing directly from The V. Pronounced Survive on Five.
  153. Plaquetic Acid // Lactic acid building caused by climbing Sur la Plaque.The rapid (and often debilitating) build-up of lactic acid in the guns when, in the glorious haze of the Five and Dime, you hit a climb in the big ring which is both longer and steeper than your puny guns can feasibly conquer in the 53t.Ӭ Often accompanied by much wimpering, weaving about the road. Thanks to @maxim.
  154. Shampag Moment // A misshift caused by swtiching between Campa and Shimano.Referring to the erroneous use a ghost go button or of the inner shift lever when transferring between Gruppo, Group-san, or Bro-Set equipped bikes. Thanks to @CarlyJ.
  155. Bidonkadonk // Saddle-mounted bottle cages as used by triathletes.Thanks to Will Benton.
  156. Happy DeVlaeminck // Being secure in another man massaging your guns.See A Sunday in Hell for clarity.
  157. Nine Bike // Velomiskrit for Rain BikeIn honor of its place as the steed of choice during Rule #9 Conditions. Thanks to Nik.
  158. Die Congnoscentus // May 5th, the Day of the Five.The Ancients of Mount Velomis considered the fifth day of the fifth month to be the convergence of the Two Fives and the most sacred day of the year. It is also recognized as the official Velominati New Year, a day for reflection on our weakness and an opportunity to renew our resolve to improve on them.
  159. Shimanguish // The feeling a Campa rider gets when forced to use Shimano-equipped machine.Thanks to @unversio.
  160. Going Das // To be impossibly hard to as ride a Himalayan Pass.More specifically, to be so absurdly hard as to ride a Himalayan pass on a modified rickshaw from sea level, thereby transcending all Rules but Rule #5 and presumably Rule #10.
  161. Gravelbone // That feeling you get when you see a beautiful gravel road.
  162. 3PS // Velomiskrit for Three-Point System
  163. Stripper Boots // Unnecessarily tall overshoesBy the time your overshoes are as tall as a stripper’s Go-Go boots, it’s time to reconsider your life.
  164. Five gap // The Cyclist’s answer to thigh gap.Evident in individuals whose condition is so fucking awesome that their gun definition makes a gap under their bibshorts. *Thanks to @harminator.
  165. Fournel’s Theorem // To look good is already to go fast.Based on a passage from the fantastic book by Paul Fournel’s, Need for the Bike which in spite of its entirely Rule-Breaking cover photo is perhaps the most perfect collection of Cycling essays ever written.
  166. RULEV // Research Unit for Logical Explanations of the VelominatiVelominati’s rogue research team which bases its conclusions primarily on malted beverage-assisted “assertive guessing” in favor of “fact” or “science”.

Nicknames

  1. Dumpoulin // Tom DumoulinFor his emergency rest stop during stage 16 of the 2017 Giro d’Italia.
  2. The Prophet // Eddy MerckxThe Chosen one, the Hardest Man of Them All, the man who, by the very sweat from his mighty guns, etched into stone The Rules.
  3. Brothers Grimpeur // Frank and Andy Schleck Like the Brothers Grimm, except instead of writing scary tales, these brothers are scary grimpeurs.
  4. Billions and Billions // Peter Sagan, not to be confused with Carl Sagan.
  5. Grimpito // Andy Schleck, the younger of the Brothers Grimpeur.
  6. Grimplette // Andy Schleck, the younger of the Brothers Grimpeur.
  7. Grimpelder // Frank Schleck, the older of the Brothers Grimpeur.
  8. Good Cadel // Cadel EvansDepending on the results he produces, Cadel Evans can be good, bad, or almost good enough. This one comes from his comment at the 2010 Amstel Gold Race, “I was good, I was good, I was good and then I was bad.” Other variations of this moniker include, “Almost Good Enough Cadel”, “Not Quite Good Enough Cadel”, and his first name often is exchanged for his last name.
  9. Bad Cadel // Good Cadel’s alter-ego.
  10. Cadelephant // The result of a mixture of Rule 5 and rainbows.
  11. Cuddles // A soft, stuffed Cadelephant.
  12. The Ego-testicle // Lance ArmstrongMakes up for his lack of balls with an inflated sense of self-importance.  Who else could it be?
  13. Pharmstrong // Lance ArmstrongFor his (and his team’s) involvement in doping throughout his career; his organization could easily have doubled as a pharmaceutical business.
  14. Huevo Lancheros // Lance Armstrong… do we really have to explain it?
  15. Veino // Alexandre VinokourovBecause he never doped, but now obliquely refers to “the dark years” of his career and insists that he is now honest and wants to prove bike races can be won without the use of the vampire tactics.
  16. Piti // Alejandro ValverdeFor his code name in Operación Puerto.
  17. Twistin Banged and Felled // Christian Vande VeldeFor his unfortunate proclivity towards falling off his bike and breaking important bits of his body. (Thanks to Geof)
  18. The Russian Rug Salesman // Vladimir KarpetsFor his name and the sports the world’s worst haircut.
  19. Motorcus // A power-assisted Spartacus.
  20. Faboo // A homo-erotic reference to Spartacus and his “dreamy eyes”.
  21. Twiggo or Jolly Naughty Wiggins // Brad WigginsDo we really need to explain this one?
  22. Levi Eggtimer // Levi LeipheimerFor his egg-shaped noggin.Plus the time it takes him to get up a hill is like waiting for an egg to boil.  And like an underdone egg, Levi is soft in the centre and cracks easily.
  23. She’s Legal in Amsterdam // Tom BoonenFor his love of the party drugs.
  24. Plan de Cojones // Plan de Corones in Italy A stretch of terribly steep, unpaved road where an uphill time trial takes place in the Giro d’Italia.  You gotta have some stones to send a race up that bit of road.
  25. George Hincrappy // George Hincapie.Sorry – we love you (I Heart Hincrappy) and wish you all the success in the world, but while you ride like a hardman – when you start talking…
  26. Dirty Sanchez // Samuel SanchezBecause he’s dirty, and we simply couldn’t resist.
  27. LL ‘Cool J’ Sanchez // Luis Leon Sanchez.
  28. Damiano Can-he-go // For Damiano CunegoThe answer to this question seems to be unclear.
  29. Rob-a-bank // Too easy, but given the economic climate, it’s rather fitting.
  30. Retirement Shack // Where old egos go to die.
  31. LeakyGas // Team LiquigasBecause we’d hate to ride in the paceline behind one of these guys.   Old El Paso should consider sponsorship.
  32. Dickweed Giovanni // Team DiquigiovanniBecause this is how the commentators on Universal Sports pronounce it.
  33. Tom Blownen // Tom BoonenBecause he loves the white line fever.
  34. T-Bone Hamilton // Tyler HamiltonFirst for his tendency to break bones, and then for his tendency to suck.
  35. Tyler Shamilton // Tyler HamiltonFor all the shams he tried to pull…disappearing twin?  Really?
  36. Count Dracula // Alexandre VinokourovFor his bloodlust.
  37. Roid Landis // Floyd LandisDoes this really need explanation?
  38. Fraud Landis // Floyd LandisOr this?
  39. Floyd Slanders // Floyd LandisOr any combination of the above…
  40. LeMan // Greg LemondHe won three Tours, laid down the fastest ITT in tour history, and is responsible for probably the most exciting (surely the closest) Tour of all time. He is The Man.
  41. LeMonster // Greg LeMondThe young, combative animal Greg LeMond who exuded class on the bike. (Thanks to Dan O)
  42. David A-Yo-Yo // David ArroyoFor his off the back-back on again riding style as he gallantly defended his Giro d’Italia lead.
  43. Michael Rasjuicin // Michael RasmussenThey feed chickens hormones, don’t they?
  44. Michael Ras-missin’ // Michael RasmussenThe ‘Where’s Wally?’ of the peloton.
  45. Heinrich Sauceler // Heinrich HausslerFor his “I’m out with an injury and thus will be going on the sauce” coping mechanism.
  46. Cavendouche // Mark CanvendishBecause despite his formidible sprinting prowess, the kid is a bit of douchebag.
  47. The Manx Mouth // Mark CanvendishI think we were the first on this one, but in any case, this one also refers to Markie Mark.
  48. GaGa // Phil Gibert The Belgian JaJa.
  49. Frandy // The collective Schlecks.
  50. RatPack // Tony Martin.The lovechild of Tony Curtis and Dean Martin. (Thanks to Jarvis)
  51. Invisible Denis // Denis MenchovRobert Gesink.For his hide until the time trial methods of getting a Tour podium.
  52. Keep’em Gesink // Robert Gesink.Because you never know if he’s gonna suck, crash, or crush.
  53. Who-tarovich // Yauheni HutarovichFor his sprint from obscurity to a GT stage winner. (Thanks to Dermot K)
  54. Teeny Bettini // Paolo BettiniFor the pint-sized Italian star.
  55. Clenbutador // Alberto ContadorAfter his positive test for Clenbuterol. (Thanks to Dermot K)
  56. The Spanish Steak // Alberto ContadorThe new poster child now for the organic, free-range, grass fed beef movement. (Thanks to KitCarson)
  57. Albutero Clentador // Alberto ContadorNo explanation needed. (Thanks to Eddy Merckx’s Ears)
  58. Carlos Disaster // Carlos SastreBecause since winning the Tour in ’08, that’s what he’s been. (Thanks to Vaughn)
  59. Carlo’s Ashtray // Carlos SastreLike a cigarette, one minute on fire, smokin’, then extinguished and dropped like a bad habit. Not cool anymore.
  60. Tricky Dickie // Richard Virenque
  61. Reeeshard Virenque // Richard Virenque (Thanks to Michael)
  62. Mark Reckshaw // Mark RenshawFor his unorthodox leadout style.(Thanks to Marcus)
  63. Mark Rickshaw // Mark RenshawFor his superb ability to drag Mark Cavendish to the line.
  64. Jacky Bobby // Jack BobridgeYoung Aussie upstart gonna come at the peloton like a spider monkey.
  65. Potato // Filippo PozzatoYou say potato, I say Pozzato.
  66. Boss Hog // Edvald Boasson HagenWho looks nothing like ol’ Boss Hog, but his name is irresitable.
  67. Gandalf // Alessandro PetacchiFor his Gandalf-like violation of Rule 59 to keep Cavendish from passing him during the Stage 3 gallop in the 2011 Giro. Thanks to Steampunk.
  68. Judas Gadret // John GadretFor not only refusing to lend a hand to his team leader, Nicolas Roche during the 2010 Tour de France, but going on the attack when he suffered a puncture. Thanks to Marcus.
  69. Lenault // Lemond-HinaultIn 1986 at La Vie Claire, vying not only for team leadership, but for Tour dominance.
  70. The Spotted Dick // Richard VirenqueFor his 7 stints in the dotty jumper.
  71. Johnny Prikkeldraad // Johnny HoogerlandFor famously surviving a 60km/h introduction to a barbed-wire fence. (Prikkeldraad is the Dutch word for “barbed-wire”.)
  72. Gilbackwards // Philippe GilbertFor his riding style up the bergs in Vlaanderen in 2012.
  73. Pippi Longstockings // Bradley WigginsFor his too-long socks. See also: Goldilocks Principle. Thanks to @VeloVita.
  74. Beaker // Bradley WigginsJust because he looks and speaks just like Beaker. Thanks to LA Dave.
  75. VV Dam // Laurens Ten DamThe big Dutchman emodies the Five and Dime, and two V’s make Ten. He also posts ‘Rule 5 rides’ on Strava and owns a copy of The Rules. Pronounced “Five and Dime Dam”.
  76. Degencobble // John DegenkolbThe cobble-eating winner of the 2015 Paris-Roubaix.
  77. QuietKowski // Michał KwiatkowskiThe quiet Pole with a big engine.

The majority of these terms were coined by the Velominati or one of our readers, but for those terms which we have borrowed, we endeavored to give credit where credit is due.  If we missed you, please let us know and we’ll give you your well-deserved props.

816 Replies to “The Lexicon”

  1. @Cary

    merry christmas to me! new genius 5s. my lbs made me a deal i could not pass up for these and an identical black pair.

    What size are they? I have a pair of very similar blue and white Sidis, size 44, looking for a new home at a price that can be negotiated.

  2. @KogaLover

    Not new, but in very good shape. Sidis run small. I have a pair of size 44 Shimanos that are roomier and size 43 Carnacs that are larger too. That’s the issue, there’s no consistency across brands – or even within brand. I have two pairs of Shimanos – one 44, the other 45. They both feel the same!

  3. @KogaLover

    @wiscot

    Are they new? Sidi’s are reported to be small, so not sure whether 44 in Sidi is my size. My normal size is 9-9.5 UK or 43-43.5 in EU

    Even Sidi say go up a size vs your street size (in Euro sizing).

  4. A new one for the Lexicon I think… Dumpoulin .

    When cameramen, photographers and millions of viewers expect something completely different to what they actually see.

    To be used as a verb.

    “When he grabbed my cap I thought he needed some shade, but then he started Dumpoulin all over the place… I just wish he hadn’t given it back as well.”

  5. @ChrisO

    A new one for the Lexicon I think… Dumpoulin .

    When cameramen, photographers and millions of viewers expect something completely different to what they actually see.

    To be used as a verb.

    “When he grabbed my cap I thought he needed some shade, but then he started Dumpoulin all over the place… I just wish he hadn’t given it back as well.”

    Or, “hey guys, can we stop a minute, I really gotta take a Tommy.”

  6. @Teocalli

    @KogaLover

    @wiscot

    Are they new? Sidi’s are reported to be small, so not sure whether 44 in Sidi is my size. My normal size is 9-9.5 UK or 43-43.5 in EU

    Even Sidi say go up a size vs your street size (in Euro sizing).

    Weird, I found my Sidi’s fit exactly as my normal shoe size. 10.5/45. I’ve got a 46 in both my other pairs of cycling shoes (Shimano and LG).

  7. After the dramatic events of this years Giro d’Italia (2017) on stage 16, I hereby apply for admission for a new term into the lexicon. It already became common on several riding groups the days after the happenings of the 16th stage. So I’d like to make it official:

    A Dutch break: roadside ditch for a comfort break.

    An alternate saying this week was “to do the Dumoulin”, but which I found inappropriate for this book of cycling history.

    I’m looking forward for your approval!

    Best,

    Q

  8. “Dumoulin”  needs to be part of the lexicon.  Something along the lines of having to take an urgent dump.

  9. @wiscot

    @ChrisO

    A new one for the Lexicon I think… Dumpoulin .

    When cameramen, photographers and millions of viewers expect something completely different to what they actually see.

    To be used as a verb.

    “When he grabbed my cap I thought he needed some shade, but then he started Dumpoulin all over the place… I just wish he hadn’t given it back as well.”

    Or, “hey guys, can we stop a minute, I really gotta take a Tommy.”

    0

    Byciclautist: a rider who always finishes his training rides on a round number.

  10. Sandbragging: when you struggle to bridge up to a stranger on a training ride, say hello, and they offhandedly comment that they’re out of shape and their spin is shot.

  11. The internet claims that “Belgian toothpaste” is facial mud and grime from riding in harsh (probably cobbly) conditions. Can we sort this out?

  12. CRABON, that material they make ultra expensive bikes out that only rookie Amazon employees can afford #youaintearnedthatpinarellodude

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