
The Lexicon
by The Keepers / Jun 1 2009 / 388 posts
We here at the Velominati have our own set of nicknames and terms which have developed over time through our comments and correspondence. Some of these are names of landmarks or terms in cycling; others are nicknames for some of the riders in the pro peleton. While not intended to be offensive or derogatory, the nicknames in the list represent the riders’ personalities or their reputations; usually little more than a play on words, these are intended to be just a bit of fun in the sometimes too-serious world of cycling.
*Of course, names such as The Cannibal, The Badger, Mr Roubaix, Der Kaiser and Il Pirata are taken as read, and should be well enough recognised by any Velominatus to warrant their non-inclusion in this list.
Terms
See also: related video.
Velominata who also happens to be a Velominatus’ significant other.
These are the simple truths of Cycling, compiled and maintained by the Velominati.
Often spotted gliding over cobblestones or mashing up the Koppenberg in the Big Ring in all kinds of weather. This one is not ours, but it bears inclusion here since we use it so much.
Just as the Illuminati would stage their fabled, and somewhat feared Cabals, the Velominati stage our own modern-day versions, the Cogals. A meeting of like-minded misfits brought together by the promise of beer, preceded by a bike ride. A Cogal distinguishes itself from other group rides by the following criteria. First, Cogals are organized and supported through Velominati, though not necessarily a Keeper (legally speaking, however, we have no involvement, so if you crash or die, it’s your own problem. Second, a Cogal is a day-long undertaking that focuses 100% on the bike. The rides are categorized (Casually Deliberate, Rule #5, Rule #10, for example) but are long. This is what you’re doing today, nothing else; see Rule #4. Third, Cogals always include a session of Malted Recovery Beverage Consumption after the ride. Whenever possible, it should also include a pre-ride espresso.
We don’t strictly endorse their interpretation, but like the Catholics and Opus Dei, we recognize them as part of our own.
The Rules are simultaneously simple and complex. They are consistent yet rife with contradiction. To embrace them all is to walk the path of La Vie Velominatus.
This can be used in many conversational instances or when in worship as a concluding word for prayers and hymns to the Great Gods of Cycling. (This is not to be confused with the first initial and last name of Eddy’ Merckx’s son, Axel.)
No confusing read-out. No buttons to push. No debate as to what you need to do. Just look down, ruminate briefly on the message conveyed to your oxygen-starved brain and lactate-laden legs, and V the fuck outa there. What’s the gradient of the climb? V. How fast are you going? V. What’s your heart rate doing? Your V-max? You will instantly and unequivocally know the answer.
The Italians call this la posizione. The Flemish call this “riding your bike.”
This has evolved to take on the greater meaning it holds within the Velominati. (Pronounced “The Five”.)
The Anti-V manifests itself in an absence of those things we love most about cycling: a combination of guts, class, and panache. Wheel-sucking, bragging, and poor sportsmanship are examples of The Anti-V. (Thanks to KitCarson.)
Thanks to Roadslave525.
But remember this: this is a bank with steep inactivity fees. Thanks to King Clydesdale
This individual misinterprets the humor and intent behind The Rules and has likely missed their daily dose of humility and humor. They are also not likely to actually ride a bike very much or very well. See also: Adrian. Thanks to Jonathan via @CyclingTips.
While church goers will dress in their Sunday Best for a sermon, when a Cyclist goes to worship in bad weather, they dress in their Flandrian Best.
Also applies to any other matter of Good Taste and Sensibility where extremes are unpalatable.
How much hurt have your legs absorbed, and how much hurt they are capable of dishing out at any given moment. Whatever you’re doing now, can only be sustained for V more minutes. Own your guns.
(Thanks to Collin)
This is most acutely felt in the presence of rough cobblestones.
This can be either deep dish rims or handbuilt three-cross spoked wheels. (thanks to TexasRouleur).
A model of punishment wherein a competitor is sanctioned for abusing the system while still technically staying within the specific guidelines.
The spotted jersey given in the drug-riddled King of the Mountains competition at the Tour de France.
A universal acknowledgement that one is out of form and overweight, while at the same time asserting that you are following a strict training plan and diet and that when you do peak – in two months – you will dish out pain in overwhelming proportions. See also: related video. (Thanks to Andrew)
Also may mean to imply that you are in training and approaching form.
This figures heavily into the assertion that you are only being passed on a climb because you are following a strict training regimen. See also: related video.
The assertion that one is overweight and will not be able to climb well. See also:related video. (Thanks to Andrew)
The assertion that despite your size, you are still a reasonable climber. See also:related video. (Thanks to Steampunk)
The assertion that one is not sporting a protruding gut but is in fact using a highly sophisticated respiration technique called diaphragmatic breathing.
See also: related video. (Thanks to Steampunk)
Pedal stroke.
Refusing to do any ride of substance because one is Tapering to time one’s peak. See also Train Properly and I Am Nearly Peaking.
One who is always on a recovery ride everytime you go out for a spin because they ‘hit it so hard the previous day’. Of course, no one is ever with them when they actually do a hard ride. See also Train Properly. (Thanks to Souleur)
In the wild, this is sported by many commuting cyclists and gets its moniker from the smugness and perceived aura of invincibility that seems to emanate from wearers of this garish garment. Also comes in sleeveless version the YVA.
The commute is seen as a way to prove their manhood by wheel-sucking, or blasting past on their squeaky MTBs whilst wearing a YJA. Never says ‘hello’. Considers fellow commuters to be their competition and sworn enemies.
Only they know where the intermediate sprints, KOM and finish line is, and they are never beaten.
The riding position of a cyclist whose bars are placed absurdly high. (Thanks to Gillis.)
Commonly made by CyclingNews.com technical editor, James Huang, whose reviews are sometimes nothing but cliche-riddled re-hashs of manufacturers press release. An example of a Huangism is a statement like “laterally stiff, vertically compliant”.
While riding on the rivet, forcing yourself to climb at your current pace “just a little higher”. Based on the scene in Star Wars where Lando Calrissian is caught by the Sarlacc‘s tentacle and the semi-blind Han Solo is about to shoot him free; Lando repeatedly yells for Han to aim, “just a little higher, just a little higher”. In the (paraphrased) words of Brad Wiggins[/term][definition]“You’re always a minute from cracking. So all you have to do is hold on a minute more.”
The process of gaining weight after becoming a parent due to a shift in priorities.
A spouse’s assertion that any promise made towards post-ride activity will be superseded by laying on the couch, complaining about your guns. (Thanks to Marcus)
See also Pharmstrong, Roid Landis, Veino, Pharmstrong, Basso, Millar, Pharmstrong, Piti and Pharmstrong, depending on your perspective. (Thanks to Geof)
Because he’s an even bigger c*nt than any of those guys making COTHO status.
Wearing full matching white rainbow jersey with white rainbow bibs, and then being crapped out of the back of the bunch when the road goes uphill, as Mario Cipollini did in the 2002 Giro d’Italia.
Specifically, the increasing in size of one’s gonads to gargantuan proportions when exposed to rainbows, as was the case with Cadel Evans.
Preferably made of patent-leather and by an Italian cobbler.
Made by the only company willing to do such a thing, Mavic.
Preferably made of patent-leather and by an Italian cobbler. Thanks to @RedRanger for the photo.
Preferably made of patent-leather and by an Italian cobbler.
Thanks to Omar for his Batman-inspired dissertation.
The combination of white and black in a fine Italian patent leather shoe, as perfectly demonstrated here.
Mouth agape, snarling, dishing out the V. (Thanks to BigRingRiding.com)
“The last time I climbed it a butterfly flew through my front wheel completely unscathed.” (Thanks to Cyclops)
“Hincapie was really Out of Dish blaming the others in the break for not chasing. What a COTHO!” (Thanks to Cyclops)
This refers to the symbiotic relationship between oneself and one’s machine. It is characterised by an immovable torso combined with effortlessly gliding pedal rotations. A revelation of harmony and elegance for you resulting in high doses of Rule 5 pain for your fellow riders. This is a state only obtainable when peaking, and is sometimes referred to as La Volupte. (Thanks to Marcus for twisting Jørgen Leth’s words as narrated in The Impossible Hour.)
An Adrian also exhibits poor spelling and grammar while attempting to make points.
See also, Steel is Real. (Thanks to Rusty Tool Shed)
A Velominatus’ domestic partner’s reference to The Craft, who obviously does not understand The Work we do nor have any appreciation for Rule #11. A sample “That Fucking Bike” conversation may be reviewed here. (Thanks to Roadslave525)
See also Hasidic Handlebars. (Thanks to McSqueak.)
See also Handlebar Dingle-Berry. (Thanks to Steampunk.)
“Look how clean the tape is on that dude’s drops! He must be a Belgian Style specialist.”
This is a wily creature who always figures out a way to satiate the need for expensive kit using low-cost means. (Thanks to Cyclops)
Penance is paid in the form of hill repeats and heavy helpings of The V. (Thanks to Geof)
A rider who insists on pointing out and scolding riders in a group who fail to ride with fenders, pointing out the many reasons they should do so in the future.
The system isa repeatable and reliable process to ensure you Look Fantastic wearing fundamentally ugly objects on your head: the front should be low to the eyes, sides running close to the ears, and the back no deviating below the nape of the neck. More details here.
The mushroom-like appearance of wearing a bicycle helmet too high upon the head. (Thanks to Collin.)
This part exists for the same reason as blue M&Ms: one we can’t explain.
This is normally taken on by a bike when ejected over a fence, or the destination of your choice. *Of course, we would never treat our bikes like this, because we pay for ours.
Extra points if the mechanical could possibly be the rider’s own fault. (Thanks to Xponti.)
This is true whether they are on the bike, off the bike and is exhibited by a sharp dress sense and air of confidence. Details here.
I’m showing you my new bike and you say: Bel Mezzo! (Thanks to Pedale Forchetta.)
This is usually prior to a ride in an effort to stay properly hydrated. Thanks to Jeff in PetroMetro
The fashionable “in” look of the Spring season whereby the cyclist’s face is caked with mud in the tradition of the Spring Classics. Note: any mud will do, not just Flandrian mud. (Thanks to BIGRINGRIDING.)
Them’s fightin’ words! A Velominatus’ version of the “Gentleman’s Duel” of the past.
The monolithic protuberance rising above one’s waist and below one’s rib cage which is a source of explosive power. Ironically, it is the opposite of a six pack but typically acquired by drinking beer. (Thanks to Minion.)
Derived (read:taken wholesale) from the Dutch word for moped.
Thanks to ZachOlson.
When something can be none more black, like the color of your cables, bars, saddle, tires, or your soul.
Usually savored by an outnumbered but superior rider.
(Literally, to move sur la plaque means to move onto the plate, or the BIG RING.)
This is best emphasized as you hammer on your Old Skule steel. e.g “I dropped a half dozen Carbon Craplets on the River Road sprint.” Thanks to Ray Bransky.
This requires whole body commitment to Sur La Plaque; a profound Knowledge of Rule 85 and Rule 64 are especially important. Thanks to Wilbur. (We wish his name sounded more Rule Fivish for recommending such a cool lexi entry.)
Inspired by Pedro Delgado’s 1989 late Tour start (as defending champion.)
This mentor teaches and guides us in the finer ways of our Sport.
Thanks to mcqueek.
Specifically as it related to predicting if a rider’s less-than-stellar pre-TdF form foretells disaster or represents a ploy to fool rivals. Thanks to Xyxax.
Getting low and aero on standard road bars as if they were riding on aerobar extensions, ala Fabian Cancellara. Thanks to Joe.
Usually involuntarily and often a result of some action involving That Fucking Bike. This can also be a deliberate, voluntary pre-race preparation technique in the spirit of Sean Kelly. Thanks to Buck Rogers.
Consumed after a hard ride to restore carbohydrates, proteins, sugars, and Awesome to the body.
Particularly one who has yet to make the most of his ability. It is the velomotion that daren’t speak its name. (Thanks to Marcus)
We’re all Peaking in Two Months; set your male insecurities aside and train harder, jackhole. (Thanks @Jen)
(Thanks to @Mcsqueek)
The guy who bridges up to you on a ride, usually a climb, wearing items like khaki shorts, a camelback, and clip-ons, breaking any given number of Rules and then proceeds to ride you off his wheel. (Thanks @sgt and @Nate)
The inefficient and aesthetically displeasing setup leading to a Sit Up and Beg riding position. This also applies to any unnecessary stack of spacers piled above the stem, like some sort of Rule #45 safety-chute. (Thanks to @VeloVita)
Since gruppo is an Italian word, the only Gruppo is Campagnolo. Shimano is a Group-san, and SRAM is a Bro-Set. Thanks to Ken Horsnby as nominated by @Daccordi Rider
Since gruppo is an Italian word, the only Gruppo is Campagnolo. Shimano is a Group-san, and SRAM is a Bro-Set. Thanks to Ken Horsnby as nominated by@Daccordi Rider
Since gruppo is an Italian word, the only Gruppo is Campagnolo. Shimano is a Group-san, and SRAM is a Bro-Set. Thanks to Ken Horsnby as nominated by @Daccordi Rider
Nicknames
The Chosen one, the Hardest Man of Them All, the man who, by the very sweat from his mighty guns, etched into stone The Rules.
Like the Brothers Grimm, except instead of writing scary tales, these brothers are scary grimpeurs.
Depending on the results he produces, Cadel Evans can be good, bad, or almost good enough. This one comes from his comment at the 2010 Amstel Gold Race, “I was good, I was good, I was good and then I was bad.” Other variations of this moniker include, “Almost Good Enough Cadel”, “Not Quite Good Enough Cadel”, and his first name often is exchanged for his last name.
Makes up for his lack of balls with an inflated sense of self-importance. Who else could it be?
For his (and his team’s) alleged but unproven (as yet) involvement in doping throughout his career; his organization could easily have doubled as a pharmaceutical business.
… do we really have to explain it?
Who is Lance Armstrong… do we really have to explain it?
Because he never doped, but now obliquely refers to “the dark years” of his career and insists that he is now honest and wants to prove bike races can be won without the use of the Vampire Tactics.
For his code name in Operación Puerto.
For his unfortunate proclivity towards falling off his bike and breaking important bits of his body. Also known as Twistin’ Banged and Felled. (Thanks to Geof)
For his name and the sports the world’s worst haircut.
Do we really need to explain this one?
For his egg-shaped noggin.Plus the time it takes him to get up a hill is like waiting for an egg to boil. And like an underdone egg, Levi is soft in the centre and cracks easily.
After a controversial attack on the Yellow Jersey, but then issuing a nice YouTube apology.
For his love of the party drugs.
A stretch of terribly steep, unpaved road where an uphill time trial takes place in the Giro d’Italia. You gotta have some stones to send a race up that bit of road.
Sorry – we love you (I Heart Hincrappy) and wish you all the success in the world, but while you ride like a hardman – when you start talking…
Because everyone is out to get George - always taking advantage of him and doing him wrong. Do your own chasing and shut the fuck up, George. (Thanks to Ross and his spouse)
Because he’s dirty, and we simply couldn’t resist.
The answer to this question seems to be unclear.
Because we’d hate to ride in the paceline behind one of these guys. Old El Paso should consider sponsorship.
Because this is how the commentators on Universal Sports pronounce it.
Because he loves the white line fever.
First for his tendency to break bones, and then for his tendency to suck.
For all the shams he tried to pull…disappearing twin? Really?
For his bloodlust.
Does this really need explanation?
Or this?
Or any combination of the above…
He won three Tours, laid down the fastest ITT in tour history, and is responsible for probably the most exciting (surely the closest) Tour of all time. RIP LeMan.
Seems an ego-driven has-been and likely to have a heart attack sitting on the toilet.
The young, combative animal Greg LeMond who exuded class on the bike. (Thanks to Dan O)
For his off the back-back on again riding style as he gallantly defended his Giro d’Italia lead.
They feed chickens hormones, don’t they?
The ‘Where’s Wally?’ of the peloton.
For his “I’m out with an injury and thus will be going on the sauce” coping mechanism.
Because despite his formidible sprinting prowess, the kid is a bit of douchebag.
Other variations include Caven-anything disparaging you’d like to add about the little bugger-dish.
For a play on his nickname of Manx Missile and Mangina.
I think we were the first on this one, but in any case, this one also refers to Markie Mark.
For his delivery of Cavendouche to the line. (AKA ‘Butts’).
The Belgian JaJa.
(AKA Perry Farrell).
The lovechild of Tony Curtis and Dean Martin. (Thanks to Jarvis)
For his hide until the time trial methods of getting a Tour podium.
Because you never know if he’s gonna suck, crash, or crush.
For his sprint from obscurity to a GT stage winner. (Thanks to Dermot K)
For the pint-sized Italian star.
After his positive test for Clenbuterol. (Thanks to Dermot K)
For both his failed dope test and attacking when Grimpito dropped his chain. Fucking cheat either way. (Thanks to Shannon)
The new poster child now for the organic, free-range, grass fed beef movement. (Thanks to KitCarson)
No explanation needed. (Thanks to Eddy Merckx’s Ears)
No explanation needed. (Thanks to Eddy Merckx’ Ears)
Because since winning the Tour in ’08, that’s what he’s been. (Thanks to Vaughn)
Like a cigarette, one minute on fire, smokin’, then extinguished and dropped like a bad habit. Not cool anymore.
(Thanks to Michael)
For his unorthodox leadout style. (Thanks to Marcus) or;
For his unorthodox leadout style.(Thanks to Marcus)
For his superb ability to drag Mark Cavendish to the line.
Young Aussie upstart gonna come at the peloton like a spider monkey.
You say Potato, I say Pozzato.
Who looks nothing like ol’ Boss Hog, but his name is irresitable.
For his Gandalf-like violation of Rule #59 to keep Cavendish from passing him during the Stage 3 gallop in the 2011 Giro. Thanks to Steampunk.
For not only refusing to lend a hand to his team leader, Nicolas Roche during the 2010 Tour de France, but going on the attack when he suffered a puncture. Thanks to Marcus.
In 1986 at La Vie Claire, vying not only for team leadership, but for Tour dominance.
For his 7 stints in the Dotty Jumper.
For famously surviving a 60km/h introduction to a barbed-wire fence. (Prikkeldraad is the Dutch word for “barbed-wire”.)
For his riding style up the bergs in Vlaanderen in 2012.
For his too-long socks. See also: Goldilocks Principle. Thanks to @VeloVita.
The majority of these terms were coined by the Velominati or one of our readers, but for those terms which we have borrowed, we endeavored to give credit where credit is due. If we missed you, please let us know and we’ll give you your well-deserved props.
















