Climbing Weight

Climbing Weight

by / / 277 posts

When it comes to weight and body dysmorphia, we cyclists can go toe-to-toe with any thirteen year old tween who has done their time flipping through the pages of Vogue and Sixteen. However fit and thin we might be, at some point it dawns on us that we’re not as light as we could be. The obvious solution is to buy lighter parts for our bikes, but eventually we will run out of parts to buy or money to spend. At that point, we’ll have no alternative but to start losing weight.

On the surface, this is a fairly simple matter; calories in minus calories out is the magic to any weight loss voodoo, right up to the point where it stops working because the “calories in” part deviates from our lifestyle or our metabolism decides we’re old and that since everything else is slowing down, it should too.

It is at this juncture that we ask ourselves how we can lose those kilos that seem unwilling to melt from our bodies. The answer varies depending on your lifestyle, body type, how loud your Awesome is, and your ideal riding weight. (By the way, similarly to the number of bikes to own, your ideal riding weight is one kilo less than your current weight, or weight ideal = weight current – 1). But assuming that you enjoy eating, alcohol, or anything else that doesn’t suck, it will require doing something drastic.

My journey through weight loss started with doing everything the same but riding more until that program stalled, and then I started doing sit-ups and leg lifts, both of which meet the aforementioned suck requirement. And then I cut back on beer and wine, which sucks even more, but that’s when things really started happening. A surprising side-effect of cutting down on booze, by the way, is that although you get less charismatic, you feel better in general and sleep better in addition to losing weight. It turns out that alcohol is a poison or something. Who knew?

But now that my V-Jersey isn’t stretched like a balloon on a pumpkin, I’ve moved on to worrying about my upper body, which is bigger than a typical cyclist’s thanks to 15 or so years of nordic ski racing. Which brings me to Ullrich’s sleeves. I have always had it in my mind that Jan and I are of similar physique, aside from the quads and calves and the devilishly good looks. But my stupid sleeves are always tight, and his were always loose. I take off my jersey, and sure enough, there’s that little mark that the sleeves made on each of my arms. Infuriating. The only solution is to focus completely on wasting my upper body into nothing.

Since I’m not doing anything outrageous like routinely lifting weighty objects or doing pushups, the only conclusion I can draw is that I’m carrying too many groceries into the house at once. I’ve therefor moved to a strict regimen of only carrying one gallon of milk at a time. It takes twice as long to unload the car that way, but all that walking is good for my cardio, you just have to push through the pain. I also alternate hands every few strides if I’ve parked more than a hundred meters from the house in order to avoid becoming lopsided.

Finally, if this latest program doesn’t work out as well as I expect it to, I’ve also realized that while carbohydrates are an athlete’s friend in terms of providing easy energy to burn during a workout, they are heavy on the fork, and repetitively lifting forkloads of pasta into my mouth may be what’s causing my shoulders to bulk up unnecessarily. I’m therefor on the lookout for a healthy food source that can be drank from a straw or something in pellet form that I can peck out of a bowl.

It’s drastic, sure, but drastic times call for drastic measures, and I’m determined to get there eventually.

// La Vie Velominatus // Look Pro // Nostalgia // Technique // The Rules

  1. @frank I still feel pretty good about the effort, regardless of what Strava says. Bunch of douchebags. Now I know why I never got a garmin. I use my GSP on my blackberry.

    I spent the weekend in Banff riding some of the lower climbs – Tunnel Mountain and Mt. Norquay, so I came home this week thinking I was fucking Pantani.

  2. @frank

    @Dan_R

    @Dan_R

    I eat well for my weight

    I am awesome! (Let’s shed this talk of “Lance” and get on with talking about climbing weight!

    I killed my climb up to my house today and friggen Strava didn’t track it. I tracked the rest of my ride but not the only climb I was able to ride sure la plaque fucktards! It was all about how awesome I am and regaining my KOM from the one other twat that rides that hill! Probably juiced…

    Hellyeah! But this is also a great example of why Strava can be frustrating; if you didn’t have that KOM you were going after, wouldn’t you feel great about your climb? But your computer crapped out and that’s overshadowing your great ride.

    Sur La Plaque – its what its all about. Rule #90 or bust.

    Agreed, I have opened a can of worms where I work, as I have put them all onto Strava. All the YJA’s there now constantly point out the (few) koms I have been losing to my kom  stalker. I just use it all to track progress, the enjoyment of the ride always comes first for me.

  3. I can’t climb. Period. Hills and rollers yes. BIG hills and mountains no. But I on the weekend I was able to stay with my group the whole time (except for the trek up the mountain). And it is definitely not a flat ride.  No falling off the back, not a once. Climbing weight be damned!

  4. @Dan_R

    @frank I still feel pretty good about the effort, regardless of what Strava says. Bunch of douchebags. Now I know why I never got a garmin. I use my GSP on my blackberry.

    I spent the weekend in Banff riding some of the lower climbs – Tunnel Mountain and Mt. Norquay, so I came home this week thinking I was fucking Pantani.

    Word up to that. Strava is a great tool – don’t get me wrong. Its a great way to measure yourself against the only thing that matters: yourself. And, if you get a KOM, then shit, how cool is that? But I got sucked in, and spend a few months overtraining as I rode every day like it was a race, trying to better my own segments and getting KOMs all over town.

    But when training properly, you have a few targets along the road that you train towards, and you work up to them. I keep all my rides private and study them to see how I’m doing. When I feel I’m up to killing it one day, I’ll drill it and see how I’m doing on the segments I care about. I keep most of them private, except where I take a KOM or do a major ride like a Cogal or some such. The rest is just for me to consume and study.

    That’s the way for me to maximally enjoy the service. Just my view. Oh, and GPS stats are usually a few km/h slower than people riding with sensors, so keep that in mind.

  5. @girl

    I can’t climb. Period. Hills and rollers yes. BIG hills and mountains no. But I on the weekend I was able to stay with my group the whole time (except for the trek up the mountain). And it is definitely not a flat ride.  No falling off the back, not a once. Climbing weight be damned!

    That, sister, is all about The V and Dime. Weight, BMI, all that stuff is great, but it goes out the window when you need to Survive on V.

  6. Great article in The New Yorker about a dentist who cheated at marathons all over the USA. He managed to show up at all the timing checkpoints without actually running the full race.

    And to think that he spent thousands of dollars flying all over the country, registering for races, staying in hotels, just to cheat. But apparently he was quite good at it and even now, no one can figure out how he did it.

    http://www.newyorker.com/reporting/2012/08/06/120806fa_fact_singer

  7. @G’rilla

    Interesting read and strange guy but the most common oddity of his marathons was that he wasn’t posting at many of the time mats and would almost never be in photos along the routes.

  8. @G’rilla Very interesting read. Litton reminds me of Frank Abagnale Jr. from Catch Me If You Can.

  9. @G’rilla

    Hilarious read.  He even invented a marathon that didn’t happen, in Wyoming or Idaho.

  10. @G’rilla

    @Nate
    Hilarious and more than a little sad. I guess doing a Kip Litton might be a potential lexicon entry? Or maybe Lance should engage Kip’s services to provide hime with a few alibis when the drug evidence comes out.

    Come to think of it, I have never seen Armstrong and Litton in the same place at the same time…

     

  11. @G’rilla @itburns @Nate @unversio
    Do you think Frank could organize a VSP for the West Wyoming Marathon?

  12. @Marcus

    @G’rilla

    @Nate
    Hilarious and more than a little sad. I guess doing a Kip Litton might be a potential lexicon entry? Or maybe Lance should engage Kip’s services to provide hime with a few alibis when the drug evidence comes out.

    Come to think of it, I have never seen Armstrong and Litton in the same place at the same time…

    Rasmussen clearly was on the Kip Litton plan.

    @Marcus

    @G’rilla @itburns @Nate @unversio
    Do you think Frank could organize a VSP for the West Wyoming Marathon?

    Fuck no, running is for criminals.

    By the way, I had no idea that antipodeans read the New Yorker as those parts are not visible from Manhattan.

  13. @Nate

    By the way, I had no idea that antipodeans read the New Yorker as those parts are not visible from Manhattan

    No worries. Down here we think that America is just New York and the places that have Disneylands. The rest of the joint is where the cowboy and civil war movies are made. 

  14. @Nate As a New Yorker(living abroad) I need to get a print of that cover on my wall.

  15. @frank LOL, I just realized that I wrote GSP instead of GPS.

    Yeah, I ride with George St.Pierre on my handlebars. Whenever I get weak, he punches me in the mellon.

  16. @RedRanger

    New Yorker store has them but not cheap.

    When I was a kid, my grandfather had a 1/2 bathroom in his house wallpapered with old New Yorker covers from the 1940s-1970s.  I could spend an hour in there looking at old covers.

  17. @Marcus

    @Nate

    By the way, I had no idea that antipodeans read the New Yorker as those parts are not visible from Manhattan

    No worries. Down here we think that America is just New York and the places that have Disneylands. The rest of the joint is where the cowboy and civil war movies are made.

    We could draw a parallel to Americans’ views of Australia.  Sydney, and all the other places infested with marsupials.

  18. @G’rilla Paul Ryan is a dentist. Who knew?

  19. @Nate

    @Marcus

    @Nate

    By the way, I had no idea that antipodeans read the New Yorker as those parts are not visible from Manhattan

    No worries. Down here we think that America is just New York and the places that have Disneylands. The rest of the joint is where the cowboy and civil war movies are made.

    We could draw a parallel to Americans’ views of Australia.  Sydney, and all the other places infested with marsupials.

    You should try explaining being Scottish to an American sometime…

  20. @the Engine

    @Nate

    @Marcus

    @Nate

    By the way, I had no idea that antipodeans read the New Yorker as those parts are not visible from Manhattan

    No worries. Down here we think that America is just New York and the places that have Disneylands. The rest of the joint is where the cowboy and civil war movies are made.

    We could draw a parallel to Americans’ views of Australia.  Sydney, and all the other places infested with marsupials.

    You should try explaining being Scottish to an American

    For starters you need to understand what an average American knows about being Scottish.

  21. @Nate

    @Marcus

    @Nate

    By the way, I had no idea that antipodeans read the New Yorker as those parts are not visible from Manhattan

    No worries. Down here we think that America is just New York and the places that have Disneylands. The rest of the joint is where the cowboy and civil war movies are made.

    We could draw a parallel to Americans’ views of Australia.  Sydney, and all the other places infested with marsupials.

    it is a huge step forward for the average American to have even a thought of Australia. It is always quite amusing when travelling in the States to start telling lies to Americans about Australia. Last year I was in a lounge at LAX (where you would think people would know better) and  started telling this American couple (only because of the sheer stupidity and ignorance that they displayed) how psyched I was to have arrived in the US so I could start using the internet – “because we dont really have it back home”.

    To then have the stupid fuckers start showing me how to access the net on my iPhone was priceless. To then see Pammy Anderson in the same lounge made my trip before it had started.

    And of course you can always tell them about the Drop Bears…

  22. Australia is across the water from that place where they filmed Lord of the Rings. About sums it up!

  23. ‘squeak – I was lucky enough to see Lord of the Rings in the theatre while being on the south island of NZ. Pretty sweet as experience!

  24. Why Kiwis would have any desire to go to the West Island is beyond me. North and South islands are perfect. The West Island has too many bugs, spiders, and kangaroos.

  25. @Xyverz

    Why Kiwis would have any desire to go to the West Island is beyond me. North and South islands are perfect. The West Island has too many bugs, spiders, and kangaroos.

    My daughter (9) has been getting funny lately about any bugs or crawly things in the house – while we were on holiday in France she was creeping out about a daddy long legs in the hallway outside her room.

    She was complaining in disbelieving tones, wondering why I was not roaming the house smiting anything with more than four legs, so I had to list for her all the REAL bugs, snakes and spiders I encountered on a regular basis as a child in Australia.

    As they are all usually described as being capable of killing a small child, I guess we did well just to grow up.

    Do they have anything dangerous in NZ… apart from boiling mud ? And sheep STDs of course.

  26. @Marcus It pains me greatly, however, Pammy is Canadian.

  27. @Marcus

    You must have had a blast taking a piss out of my ignorant countrymen while you were here.  Next time you should make a feature-length film of it.

    @Xyverz

    “West Island,” good one.  BTW how did your Kiwiness not emerge on the Cogal?  The West Islanders weren’t represented.  Typical.

  28. I finally found a use for my pull-up bar!

  29. The VMH told me today that my head looked like an orange on a toothpick. I almost shed a tear, it made me so happy.

  30. @frank

    The VMH told me today that my head looked like an orange on a toothpick. I almost shed a tear, it made me so happy.

    Well done, mate. I was told the exact opposite regarding myself….my head looks like a toothpick on an orange.

  31. @frank

    The VMH told me today that my head looked like an orange on a toothpick. I almost shed a tear, it made me so happy.

    The Colonel puts a secret ingredient in his chicken that makes you crave it fortnightly!

  32. Wait, wait, wait! How many people are in the pentaverate?

    Five!

    How many Keepers?

    Do you find yourself inexplicably returning to this site on a regular basis?

    See? See?!!

  33. @frank

    The VMH told me today that my head looked like an orange on a toothpick. I almost shed a tear, it made me so happy.

    I received the strangest of looks from the VMH based on my reaction when she told me my collarbone is looking disgusting because for the first time since it was put in she can see the plate sticking out under the skin…the joy I felt was palpable!!!

  34. @mcsqueak

    Australia is across the water from that place where they filmed Lord of the Rings. And made Mad Max.

    Which, despite the serendipity of the titlet, is not the one where Mel Gibson is already insane.

  35. Generally I don’t learn post on blogs, but I would like to say that this write-up very forced me to try and do it! Your writing style has been amazed me. Thank you, very great article.

  36. So I have to lose 4kg in the next 3 weeks to be ready for cyclocross season.

    Other than cutting beer and food from my diet, what should I do?

  37. @G’rilla

    So I have to lose 4kg in the next 3 weeks to be ready for cyclocross season.

    Other than cutting beer and food from my diet, what should I do?

    Pray?

    Wait, I know the answer.  Ride your bike, a lot.

  38. @seemunkee

    @G’rilla

    So I have to lose 4kg in the next 3 weeks to be ready for cyclocross season.

    Other than cutting beer and food from my diet, what should I do?

    Pray?

    Wait, I know the answer. Ride your bike, a lot.

    It’s not only what you eat it’s also when.  No carbs after lunchtime.  Evening meal Protein and Veg only.  If you eat carbs in the evening then sit in front of the TV, then go to bed, the body has little option but to lay down the carbs on your ribs.  So not only reduce Carbs take care when you eat them.

  39. @Teocalli

    +1!

    All carbs post-noon should be replaced by bourbon, scotch, or beer and Haagen-Dazs Dulce de Leche.

  40. @japan-fishing.net

    Generally I don’t learn post on blogs, but I would like to say that this write-up very forced me to try and do it! Your writing style has been amazed me. Thank you, very great article.

    And all your base are belong to us, Algorithm-san.

  41. @PeakInTwoYears

    @Teocalli

    +1!

    All carbs post-noon should be replaced by bourbon, scotch, or beer and Haagen-Dazs Dulce de Leche.

    I guess that that is based on that list all being well known zero carb recovery food.  Most especially #2 and #4.

  42. @G’rilla – Sadly, I suspect you already know the answer to this.  If you are not already riding 50K+ three times a week, best get to it.  If you already are, then make it 5 times.  And….at least one 100K ride per week.  You are a far more accomplished Velominatus than I; so I apologize if you are already putting in 300K per week and 5000M.  Oatmeal and OJ for breakfast, nothing more – you can substitute Honey Nut Cheerios with fruit for the oatmeal.  Pasta at lunch (never at dinner) and no dinner after 6PM.  Eat fish for protein three times per week – fish tacos, yum!  Booze on weekends only. Oh, and did I mention riding the bike?

  43. @G’rilla

    So I have to lose 4kg in the next 3 weeks to be ready for cyclocross season.

    Other than cutting beer and food from my diet, what should I do?

    You wouldn’t want to be prime weight for the start of the season. Give yourself 6 weeks which works out at about 100 grams to lose a day.

    I’m racing for the first time in a local CX league in October. It’ll be my first competitive sporting event since a lack lustre performance at school sports day in 1988.

  44. @G’rilla

    So I have to lose 4kg in the next 3 weeks to be ready for cyclocross season.

    Other than cutting beer and food from my diet, what should I do?

    I know of two surefire ways of achieving this.

    contract amoebic dysentry

    or

    two weeks in Belize on a jungle warfare course.

    i am not entirely sure which is preferable….have a beer and think it over!

  45. @G’rilla the only thing I would add is no food on rides under 2 hours, I can drop 3kg in a month by not drinking my usual 2 beers a nite FWIW.

  46. @G’rilla

    have a look at cyclingtips.com.au

    there’s a discussion on there about high fat low carb diets for cyclists.

    I’m one week into the experiment. I’ll let you know how it goes.

  47. @mouse

    @G’rilla

    have a look at cyclingtips.com.au

    there’s a discussion on there about high fat low carb diets for cyclists.

    I’m one week into the experiment. I’ll let you know how it goes.

    I’ll be interested to hear your experience. My wife and I did it at the start of the new year, aiming for < 50 gm carb per day. We lasted about 4-5 weeks and had to stop being so strict as we simply had no gas for our respective athletic activities. No weight loss then

    BUT, keeping the high fat and being a little more ad lib with the carbs, I’ve dropped 4-5 kg since and am lighter than I’ve been in 15 years. High fat is great at curbing appetite.  So I’ll be skinny for my coronary bypass surgery.

    Best of luck.

  48. “I starve myself

    and never lose a pound

    The pain never goes away,

    it just moves around.”

    – Buck 65

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