New Rules
The Rules – They were never expected to become this well known. Nor was the list ever going to get this long or be taken this seriously. The Rules were first suggested as a few basic guidelines just to keep some basic civility and decorum on the road. But we took it too far (as we do everything) and now The Rules somehow define the Velominati, the inverse of intention. I use the communal ‘we’ as all Velominati share some responsibility in this.
In the spirit of a new year and spring cleaning, we have ourselves a Rules overhaul, with some New Rules to get excited about. Rule #38, #47, #79 and #81, we forget what those were, but we are moving on. For the official stone tablet version, refer to The Rules page.
- Rule #38 – Don’t leapfrog. Don’t ride back into a group that just passed you and ruin their pace, the pace that you couldn’t keep or you wouldn’t have been passed in the first place, and especially if you’ve been passed by women. Deal with it. You’ve been chicked, get used to it. There are a lot of badass women cyclists and they are going to pass your ass. @Jen gave us this Rule, suggested from personal experience and “getting chicked” is in the lexicon.
- Rule #47 – Drink Tripels, don’t ride triples. Brett was rightly offended by someone on our facebook page suggesting “kicking back with a Corona”. Everyone should be offended by this, even people who come from the land of that other great amber embarrassment, Fosters. I’m told they export it only, there should be a Rule about that. Thirty years ago we were all excited in the USA about the massive oil cans of this exotic Fosters, except you couldn’t chill it cold enough to not taste it and there was even more of it to be gagged down. Enough! Quality beer is a recovery drink. It makes you a better cyclist. OK, that’s a stretch, a happier cyclist then.
- Rule #79 – Fight for your town lines. From our good mate @Rob; “I was out yesterday to start the serious training for the 200 on 100. Met up with a group that were strong but have no race experience. We passed through at least five town lines and one double-point town/county line (nearby is my all time favorite triple – state/county/town). There should be a Rule that says something like “Town lines must be contested or at least faked if you’re not into it”. Every time we went through without sprinting, it was like, what a waste – this is boring! And I’m not even saying I would have won any.” When @Rob speaks, I listen, especially when sprinting is the subject. And yes, he would have won most of those sprints. I miss those rides: mindlessly rolling along when from behind, someone opens up a huge handlebar throwing sprint for a town line that everyone else is too dumb to realize is right up the road. Trash talking ensues, it’s all a way to pass the k’s, amuse each other and hone your sprint. Or nervously clicking ergo shifters so people close by hear and think you are preparing for the big shift and sprint as the town line approaches, forcing someone to do something as the ergo-clicker does nothing but rides along with a dumb grin on his face.
- Rule #81 – Don’t talk it up. Cruel but fair, tempting as it is to talk about one’s most recent road rash to one’s cycling buddies but really, if you are still riding, how bad could it have been? And it was probably your own fault so better to keep quiet. @MarkyMark gave us this gem then he disappeared. MarkyMark come back, you’re famous now.
- Rule #88 – Don’t surge. A rule concerning the mechanics of group riding: when in a paceline, ride the tempo, before you tire, pull off, slow enough to drift to the back as the line ride through. It’s not rocket science, impress people by keeping the pace, not upping the speed when you get to the front. Thanks to John Perry, Sydney Cycling Club for Rule #88.
So there you have it, a slew of new Rules for you to meditate on, discuss amongst yourselves, and of course, Obey.
btw: brilliant prose Gianni!!
It’s got to be a good real ale all the way for me.
The ultimate in post ride re-hydration.
Regarding Rule #79–when training in a double pace line one doesn’t want to disrupt the line or pace at a town limit, it is ok for one or two riders to do a “faux-throw” bike throw.
Regarding Rule #81–fresh road rash should not be thought of as a badge of honor. Rather, it should be somewhat embarassing. One can, however, refer to the loss of sleep in order to gain sympathy.
@Dr C
I think we do, the Dales are fantastic, from there we can take in Fleet Moss, Buttertubs, Tan Hill…..the pain could be endless. Also VERY exited about the possibility of 2016, Yorkshire as the host of the opening stages of the Grand Buckle. I just really hope that they don’t woose out and make it a flat stage through the Vale of York and send them head first into the Heart of the Dales
Rule #88 – “It’s not rocket science, impress people by keeping the pace, not upping the speed when you get to the front.”
Great add… can’t tell you how many times I see relatively strong riders who could help keep a good pace blow themselves up and get spit out the back in local group rides.
@Dr C
The accepted method in the long term is I believe, ride more. Rule V. I do know of another way to avoid this fate Dr but I dare not speak it in these pages. ( hint..it requiers more guile than V and probably several rule violations but when riding with a group stronger than yourself one does what one must to survive).
For me there is only one rule: V.
But then, what else to expect from a student breaking all others (possible exception Rule #9) and too poor to buy a proper bicycle.
@Marko
Those are different things though – pulling through and riding on the front at the same pace is a skill one must have. Pulling up and tightening the screws is different and awesome when necessary. Good point.
@paolo
Maher was just through Maui doing his act, seemingly high on the local flora. I think he would have mercy on me for shamelessly ripping him off. Also, his range of interest come no where near intersecting with this site. We are safe.
@itburns
Well played, oh me brother. That’s as clear as an un-muddied lake. +1
@Barry Roubaix
Let the healing begin in late March. I’m a novitiate in the Belgian Abby’s world and I need to start up the steep learning curve of pleasurable Belgian beer drinking. 15% grade on that learning curve, I reckon, I’ll be in the 50×26. That’s right, god damnit, an f’ing compact in Belgium. I don’t care anymore. I’m not pushing my bike up, that is not going to happen.
@Souleur
Ah, Jensing it – the stuff of my dreams – sadly, just keeping the pace ticking at the front had me on the rivet
As per usual, the rollers were 6K away, and sure enough, there I was, 4 back, on the outside line, guaranteed the last two shifts to the foot of the hills, and a celebration of pedalling squares as the charge began – it’s always the same – I just try to convince myself I am a super domestique, and make sure I blow in style – I rarely fail – not sure any amount of V would save myself or the poor sod trying to get some air just behind me – one of these days, I’m going to apply some guile….
@Gianni
Is that an f’ing compact drinking technique you espouse? Probably safer than drinking pints in Belgium….. just saying
@Sam
For a moment I thought you were going to say Brailsford had got the WCs for the Yorkie Dales – now that would be a scoop!
@Dr C
I’d love a World Cup Stage up here! thats the dream for me a spring classic with 4-5 of the stomptastic 20% bastards to make the selection…. i’m presuming WCs is a World Cup Race, we have a shocking lac of pro level races in this country
@Sam
set your sights higher – I was thinking rainbows
@Dr C
that would be fantastic wiki says we haven’t had it since 1982, which feels like a long time, i’d love it to be up here but i can’t see it, but then again the road scene is growing again up here we’ve got a new elite RR series starting which hopefully should divert some of the attention from the interminable crits, not that i have anything against them but RR is where its at
@Souleur
I just can’t keep my eyes of this colour scheme!
Behold the V-Pint in all it’s Merckxian Glory!
@sthilzy: man that is a classic, that’s a Keeper!
here are some paint schemes that make me wonder where the Rules may apply
I mean really? Are we riding cows now??
ok, its a beauty of a bike, but does anyone not named KOM deserve to ride it? and maybe that’s the point, I get that.
but here is what I am talking about
this is how you fucking paint
now, there seems to be something consistent, a Rule, but what is it?
Or is it the rider who can pull it off, or not pull it off
are there somethings off limit?
are there somethings right EVERY time, because the Baum is and will be right everytime
@Netraam
I’m right there with you, but the important thing is to obey all the rules you can, the little things like tire/valve position and such matter much more. You need to balance out the broken rules.
@Souleur
I’m not sure we need a rule to tell us 1 and 2 are wrong and 3 is right. You know it when you see it.
i’d totally rock a “tripels, not triples” shirt.
just saying…
@Souleur
The most powerful colors in the world are red, black, and white. You’re good with that or any combination, methinks. And Orange.
So long as its tastefully done, I think we’re golden with anything. Even that Rossin. But not the chicken pox bike up there or the cow one. Case in point.
@frank
I don’t know, Red is pretty fast too. Everyone needs at least one red bike in their n+1 stable.
@GottaRideToday
@frank
Matte black is sexy as hell
@Souleur
@frank
And not fucking cool either;
@frank
I would totally rock a pastel-y pink bike, like Maglia Rosa color. Not because of the Maglia Rosa, I just like the color.
Stybar is rocking one.
Forgot the pic.
Revisions are always good, in my opinion. We’ve improved on greatness! Strong work, lads, strong work.
And holy cannoli! I saw that photo of Zdenek last week. Boss! Pink bike, white WC kit, nice air. Sweetness!
I still think he’s bold/crazy to race cross in white kit + socks + shoes. But hey, I guess he ain’t payin’ for it or cleanin’ it!
@DerHoggz
@Ron
Love that picture! and yeah he is a boss. cant wait to see him kill it on the road.
@DerHoggz
Yeah I’ve always liked the Raphael kits with a bit of bright pink on them.
@mcsqueak
Er, Rapha kit, stupid autocorrect.
@DerHoggz
Guy I know of in Melbourne (now in Singapore racing) has a pretty awesome looking Pink Baum that may tickle your fancy…
@frank
That video had me in tears – the amount of shite handled Guinness I’ve had around the world is amazing. It just never compares to what it’s like at home.
This pic isn’t relevant except it connects the two, cycling and beer!
Is that someone’s smalls hanging in the background of the title photo? Are brassieres pro?
There you go fucktards, changed the photo.
@Oli
Shit, can’t win!
@Mikael Liddy
I may have seen that bad boy around. Not sure when, but it rings a bell.
Baums are the shit. Dream bike material for me.
@wedger
What, another Irishman – at last!
You will also agree that there is even more shite talked about Guinness than there is about cycling, and that’s going some!
Only sensible video about Guinness ever made
@Dr C
It may well be where you are but the link isn’t working. ’90s advert with the chap dancing while his pint pours? Everything else seemed to have Rutger Haur in it and made no sense.
@DerHoggz
That’s just mental! And to think Cav got told off for bunny hopping across the line at the Veulta!
@sthilzy
A bit busy perhaps, but I like it! Steel is Real!
I may be in a bit of a minority here but I quite enjoy a few Coronas especially when it’s hot. It might not be the greatest of beers but as lager goes it sits above most of the crap available in the UK, Europe, Australia and the States and it’s a bit harsh to compare it to Fosters.
It’s all about the time and the place, it doesn’t matter how fine your best Belgian Tripel of British real Ale is, most people are going to struggle after a ride of any proper distance on a +30C day. A Corona (with or without a slice of Lime) or something similarly crisp and cold hits the spot.
@Chris
I hate that – I can’t view Youtube at work (you’ll be pleased to hear, as a taxpayer), so only get the link, which was worng clearly – it wasn’t that funny anyway, so will leave it to wither on the vine
@Chris
Agreed. I like a Corona now and then, especially with some Chipotlé burritos!
@936adl
Similar to the Look Mondrian frames. I don’t care how gauche some people say they look, I would love to have one.