Guest Article: Reverence – Rule 33 For the Risk Averse

The Shaved Guns

We’re going to take advantage of our break in the Velominati Super Prestige to get a few articles out that have been sitting in the queue but haven’t had the opportunity to see the light of day due to the busy race schedule. Besides, we’ve spent the last two days bemoaning a couple skinny kids’ lack of tactical prowess and arguing over which under-rated riders are actually over-rated riders. Don’t get me wrong, I love the discussions and I hope they continue, not to mention that this is the most exciting time of year, but there’s so much more to our sport than just racing and Pros. There is also the matter of Looking Fantastic at All Times, oh – and riding our bikes.

We jump in today with a debut Guest Article from our own Sgt, wherein he details his journey along the road to La Vie Velominatus. So grab your beverage of choice and settle in. Enjoy.

Yours in cycling,

Frank

While we all aspire to La Vie Velominatus, and strive to apply The V in all its manifestations to our avocation, some things seem to be harder than others. I’ve been back on the bike for a few years now (after a 15 year absence). Since throwing a leg over in late 2006 at 200lbs+ (I wasn’t self aware enough back then to refer to myself in metric measures, even today), struggling away on a triple crank, bonking after 35 minutes, European Posterior Man-Satchel dangling astern, I have been on what seems in retrospect to be a steady course towards enlightenment.

Over a couple seasons of honing my skills, learning group and paceline etiquette, riding constantly with clubmates and friends who could and did put me in the hurt box, I slowly became able to sit in, then take my pulls, occasionally sprint for the town sign, and even dish out a little of The V on the climbs (very little to be sure). At about that point, I began to notice that certain people I ride with (although by no means all, or even most of them) exude a certain je ne sais quoi, and I started to wonder what they were doing that I wasn’t… and how I might be able to somehow conjure their easy, Casually Deliberate style.

And then came a fateful trip to Italy in 2008.

 

(that’s me, above center, you can see I had long way to go)

Riding every morning with a couple of friends through the heart of Tuscany was my first taste of a wider cycling world, and made it clear that I had work ahead of me if I wanted to embrace what I now know as The Rules. The first step was ditching the Shimano triple in favor of Campy 10 speed on my ’06 Lemond, which proved to be simply a gateway drug to my current steed:

Then came a serious breakthrough when, like Gianni , I acquired a couple truly awesome Italian kits on my next trip to Italy last spring:

Up until then I had progressed from cheaper PI and Nashbar stuff through goofy souvenir jerseys to better quality branded kit (Castelli, Giordana etc.) to joining a club and donning club kit. Luckily increasing fitness and weight loss made it necessary to constantly upgrade.

Next was coordinating helmet, shades, gloves, etc. (Yes, I have two identical helmets with matching Oakley Radars for each, depending on which kit I decide to wear. Get over it.)

At this point I knew I was on to something. But I while I was pretty sure what needed to happen next, I needed a little motivation. Well, as the Buddhist proverb says, “When the student is ready the teacher will appear”. In August of last year I ran across this hallowed ground, and like so many of us, I found a home for my own brand of off-kilter commentary, a repository of knowledge, history and passion for our sport, and, of course, The Rules.

Going over them repeatedly, I immediately acknowledged The Rules’ inherent wisdom and rational approach to cycling. I also ruefully noticed that I was in violation of several of them, notably Rules #29, #40, #68, #74, and of most obviously, the dreaded Rule #33. Once I knew that V-Kit was in my future, my path became clear; to become as Rule-compliant as possible, in preparation for the donning of the Sacred Garments. A Vision Quest, if you will.

Rule #29 was easy, as I’ve noted elsewhere on the site. $6 USD for this, and I got a bunch of bandaids and sterile wipes to boot! Everything for at least two punctures goes in, along with mini-tool and ID. And losing the Man-Satchel made the bike handle better too.

Rule #40 simply involved giving a shit when repairing punctures or replacing tires. Done and done.

Rules #68 and #74 went together, but involved a sacrifice: getting rid of the Garmin. I had been rationalizing its presence for months, using the following excuses (in no particular order): “I like it”; “It was expensive”; “It calculates gradient and total ascent”, “it does cadence”; blah, blah, blah, and the killer; “I know a lot of good cyclists who use a Garmin”.

Well, I know a lot of good musicians who shoot smack (not really), but that doesn’t mean it’s a good idea. So the search for its successor began. And let me tell you, it wasn’t easy.

After a lot of trial and error (and more than one purchase and return), I finally came across this little gem. The Blackburn Atom 4.0. Set to metric, it’s Rule #74 epitomized (simple, small, stem mounted, wireless). And cheap enough to put one on each bike.

(BTW, if any of you have the balls to publicly post that you want my Garmin, I’ll sell it to you cheap: Garmin 705, complete setups for two bikes, plus maps for Europe and North America, $350 US, plus shipping. Any takers? And thanks for the free ad, Frank!)

Which left me stalled at my hirsute appendages. Rule #33. Staring back at me. Mocking me. In my defense, I hate shaving. I’m a hairy dude. Neighbors swear to have seen Sasquatch when I’ve gone outside for a late night slash (it’s closer than the bathroom, shut up). In fact, I gave up using blades on my face in favor of my trusty Norelco years ago. I bleed just looking at a razor. But I knew I had to do something. My riding buddies were noticing my new-found esprit and wondering when I was planning to prune the tree trunks. But I just couldn’t face the thought of scraping a blade across such broad expanses of tender skin. I knew there had to be a solution out there. An electric solution. Again, I searched. And searched. And agonized. And searched. (Try Googling “man-scaping”, just for fun. I dare you. It’s not pretty.) Finally I found something claiming to be the answer to my prayers. The Philips Norelco BG2040/34.

What Hath God Wrought?

A few clicks on Amazon later, and it was on its way. When it arrived, I opened it up, plugged it in, set it in its cool little stand…. And chickened out. For a week. Then another week. I knew I had to Rule V this one; the wife wanted to know what the hell it was, and I couldn’t stand to have it looking at me every morning! So one afternoon in November, all alone on my back patio, I took the plunge. It switched on with a pleasing whir, not unlike my trusty Norelco. It had a sure-handed heft to it. And Holy Shit! It went through the thatch like Sherman through Georgia! Ten minutes later, the right leg was silky smooth. Ten minutes after that, Rule #33 had ceased to haunt me. I was fully compliant; the guns glinting like bayonets in the sun (a little lotion helped). I’ve rarely been so impressed, or relieved that it worked so well. Once a week, 15-20 minutes, no muss, no fuss.

Seriously, and to make a long story short: if you dread Rule #33, give this bad boy a try. Yes, it costs a little more than razors and soap. And no, it doesn’t get as close as a blade. But it’s damn good. It’s really fast and comfortable. And you won’t cut yourself, or get an ingrown hair, or use up your VMH’s Lady Schick.

Epilogue

The V-kit arrived yesterday; it was waiting on my doorstep when I got home, just in time for an afternoon jaunt.  Let me start by saying that the quality is absolutely first rate; I have way too much kit, and have tried most of the top brands, and Frank has selected some great fitting, stylish and comfortable stuff here.  The leg grippers are snug but not binding, sleeves just the right length.  It does run snug; although I normally wear L in upper range Castelli, I had to get XL bibs to accommodate the guns (thanks for the exchange, Frank!), so if you’re planning to order, go bigger than you think.

One journey is now complete; La Vie Velominatus awaits.

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131 Replies to “Guest Article: Reverence – Rule 33 For the Risk Averse”

  1. Its good to know that The Rules are a journey. I am a long way from being compliant but I work on it one rule at a time. Awesome write up SGT. I to cant wait to get my V jersey.

    As for Rule #33. I have such little hair on my legs that when I did shave them no one noticed.

  2. @Sgt
    @RedRanger

    Timely. North of 50 years old, I shaved my legs for the first time on the weekend. Like you, RedRanger, my leg hair, while not exactly sparse, is nearly invisible except in direct sunlight (took me forever to get the missed spots). I am hoping it is a state of mind as much as anything else.

  3. I’m struggling with Rule #33 as well. How high up do you shave the legs? Do you go all the way up to the waist line, or just inside the shorts line? I don’t see where the rules dictate this…

  4. Great story Sgt and the last photo is just the icing on the cake.
    You look very V!

  5. Loved reading this… there are many parallels in your path to enlightenment to my own awakening as a youngling Velominatus. I know I have further to travel on this path, but tales like this are inspiring.

  6. @All

    Aw shucks gang… It’s been a fun process, for sure. And now that spring is here, I can start working on Rule #7.

    @Xyverz
    Your choice. First time I stopped at the shorts line, that was not a good look. Now I go up higher. How high? Only me and the VMH know for sure…

    @Cyclops
    Unfortunately, above the eyebrows and below the hairline is the largest bare spot on my body, and it’s getting wider every year now.

    Truth be told, while Rule #33 has a big aesthetic impact, Rule #29 and especially Rule #74 have increased my riding ability and enjoyment the most. I have a nifty little 50k loop with 1k of climbing I like to do after work; last night I went all the way to the highest point without looking at any numbers but kph, and did a personal best time. Nice.

    And I’ve gotten a few more rides on the V-Kit since I submitted this article. I have to say it gets better the more I wear it. Little details like flat stitching, chamoix, zipper pulls, sleeve length, etc. are all top drawer. And don’t even get me started on the leg grippers… magnifico! Now I need a vest, arm warmers and socks. And bottles. Definitely bottles.

  7. Beautiful post. We all love a tale of redemption. The Kit is the perfect finish to the transformation. Two helmets and matching Oakleys, that is near-genius material. Frank, shouldn’t you be doing that?

  8. Great article sgt. Like others have said, I see a lot of my own ongoing development in your story.

    Great link to Amazon, too – it looks like a great product. My next step is to overcome Rule #33. I am excited and scared at the same time. My main objection was the time-sink of shaving, and that once you start you are basically committed to it unless you want a gross grow-out period. I think this may be a perfect solution. How long until the little hairs start poking through your shorts? About a week? I could handle once a week. I am really starting to dislike the way my legs look while riding, because of the hair.

  9. Oh, and leg grippers. I bought a pair of LG bibs recently that have leg “grippers” just made out of compression lycra or something similar – it basically just looks like the same material in the rest of the bibs. So much more comfortable than cheaper bibs that use elastic leg grippers. Ugh. I’ll never go back to bibs with crappy elastic grippers.

    Friends shouldn’t let friends ride with Pearl Izumi.

  10. Nice work sgt. That Italian kit is pimp.

    I’ve gone over to similar mechanical methods for Rule #33 compliance since I crashed and busted open my chin this winter. I had to get a gizmo like this to shave around the stitches, and once I was ready to get back on the bike started using it on the legs. I have to admit I feel like I am cheating a bit but I justify it as preserving maximum residual riding time left over after work and a family including two little boys.

  11. @Gianni

    Beautiful post. We all love a tale of redemption. The Kit is the perfect finish to the transformation. Two helmets and matching Oakleys, that is near-genius material. Frank, shouldn’t you be doing that?

    Way ahead of you. That’s why I bought the Jawbones, although I occasionally wear the Radars with the V-Kit as well. MTB helmet with Radars, Velominati Black Bell with Radars. @Sgt, you’ve come along nicely with an innovation like that without us even discussing it.

    Awesome article, mate.

  12. Well done on an inspiring tale of your journey.
    I am a long long way from rule compliance but like so many here try each each ride to improve. I am scared of complying with Rule #33, not of the deed itself but the piss taking I will have to endure when I shave the legs more than the girlfriend. There are still other rules to comply with first I guess.

  13. I love this leg shaving thing. I’m a bit of an oddball, and wear cool socks with my suits at work; they always grab people’s attention (I dress like a European should). My favorite is after the comment on the socks has been absorbed to casually mention my shaved legs and pull the slacks up a little higher. The reactions are typically priceless.

  14. @Lepidopterist

    I am scared of complying with Rule #33, not of the deed itself but the piss taking I will have to endure when I shave the legs more than the girlfriend. There are still other rules to comply with first I guess.

    Hm. Starting with Rule #5, apparently.

  15. @frank
    I’m lucky enough to no longer need a suit a work, but I do love me some Euro-fashion. I meet a lot with commercial architects and interior designers, and I strive to exceed their sartorial expectations, especially since many of them are cute young things, and my competitors are typically in dumb-ass company polos and pleated-front dockers with their bellies hanging over their belts.

    Duh, Winning!

  16. frank:
    @Lepidopterist

    I am scared of complying with Rule #33, not of the deed itself but the piss taking I will have to endure when I shave the legs more than the girlfriend. There are still other rules to comply with first I guess.

    Hm. Starting with Rule #5, apparently.

    Man, I must have a best non-cycling VMH ever. She told me when I expressed my intent recently to maybe start shaving my legs soon: “you better be riding at least four days a week when you do that”.

  17. @mcsqueak
    My VMH was suitably unimpressed when I took the plunge…

    “Your legs look smaller”, she said.

    “Shaving’s supposed to make everything look bigger!”, I replied.

    “Oh, it makes that look bigger.” she explained, calming my fragile male ego.

  18. @frank
    Well I have a new frame on its way and a Campag group to go on it. A bottle of Leffe and Merckx willing I shall do the deed for its first ride honours.

  19. On Rule #33, I have been compliant for many years (even when unable to observe Rule #5 due to injury, school, or suffering from Rule #23).
    In preparation for a trek to Nepal (which I go on in 48hrs, incidentally), I’ve deliberately become hairier. Suffice it to say, both I and my VMH aren’t enjoying my return to hairiness.
    Fear not – I have still observed Rule #33, by dishing out significant hurt to the rest of my local bunch on Saturday mornings! After hitting the bunch just before the designated preme, and holding on for the ‘win’, we returned home, to find myself being cursed for dropping the shaven riders while turning tempo up a slight grade!
    I can’t wait to get back and observe Rule #33 in its pure form, although I hate to say it, but I am planning on duty-free purchases that will deliberately contravene Rule #74, in order to more fully comply with Rule #71 such that I can achieve greater harmony with Rule #70

  20. Awesomeness! Great post, sgt.

    I have followed a similar path to yours in many ways; I think a lot of us have.

    For all my compliance, the guns are still hairy. Can’t really say why. I also don’t really like to shave & I think I justify it by telling myself I’m not that hairy (I’m not) and that my leg hair is light. But, I’m about to pick up my first CX bike so I guess pinning a number on means the hair must go this fall. Maybe sooner.

    One great thing about cycling, amongst the many, is that when I get new gear it makes me want to ride further and harder. I can’t stand looking at a new bike/kit/shades/shoes etc. and not take them out for a few hours. I think far too many folks these days buy the gear, thinking it will entice them to get off their fat asses, but don’t. For me it’s just the opposite: when I spend a bunch of money on cyclo gear I feel like a bastard if I don’t use the hell out of it. This keeps me a) picking up cool stuff b) riding my arse off.

  21. sgt: Great write up. Loved reading it.

    mcsqueak: I shave once a week and that seems to be just fine for keeping the “guns” smoothe and not too much time devoted to it.

  22. @mcsqueak
    Some disappointment from Mrs. Steampunk at first as I shaved the BFGs, but she’s come around. She likes the more evident definition.

    @Buck Rogers
    I find this one dictated by riding patterns over a certain period. I definitely “should” shave at least once a week, but since I’m not even out of leg warmers yet, it’s a bit of a loose rule. Of course, the BFGs are so frickin’ huge, by the time I finish shaving the second one, the first one needs to be done again…

  23. Good stuff, Sgt. Interesting how closely your tale resembles those of many of us around here (myself included).

    One of the more liberating things one can do is admit that you shave your legs as a result of image-consciousness and tribal affiliation. Sure, it originated as an aid to effective massage and in some cases may have some marginal advantages in preventing road rash infections. But, really, how many of us have our guns regularly massaged and/or frequently suffer from road rash? (And let’s not even bother to investigate too closely the inconsistency between the two explanations – “how hard would you like me to massage your gaping wounds, sir?”).

    I used to explain Rule #33 compliance (to myself as well as to others) as the first shave being an experiment (true) and the rest being the result of an abhorrence of stubble (only partially true). The reality is that it has much more to do with self-image and affiliation than anything else. (That and the pleasure of watching people (i) notice but not ask or (ii) notice, ask and try desparately to hide their deep sense of discomfort).

    The trolls see Rule #33 as epitomising all that is wrong with road-cycling – preening male vanity divorced, in many cases (such as mine), from any real athletic talent. But they miss the deeper truth that, for many of us, cycling has proved to be the vehicle which made possible a major life-change: from overweight, out of shape, middle-aged couch potato to trim, fit and altogether more vigourous person. None of us who have made that journey want to go back. We feel so much better now.

    And we also look a whole lot better – better than we used to, and better than many (probably most?) of our non-cycling friends. And that desire to stay looking a whole lot better is one of the things that makes us eat better (and less), drink (a bit) less and cycle (a lot) more. (Not the only thing. Cycling is an end in itself. Being fitter is an end in itself. But let’s not deny the added motivation of also looking better.)

    If a bit of shaving, a bit of preening, the occasional splurge on an entirely functionally redundant extra helmet / pair of knicks / stem / etc, and regular indulgence in the company (virtual or otherwise) of like-minded souls is an inevitable (and possibly necessary) part of the package, I can live with that. It needs to be kept in check with regular doses of humility and humour. But the like-minded souls on this site do a pretty good job of ensuring that. So let’s just admit that, for many of us, being good, feeling good and looking good are inextricably intertwined – and then get out those razors.

    I’d rather be smooth, fit and trim than hairy and out of shape. The fact that those may be the only two options for me might be a little pathetic. But I can live with that. Hell, I can celebrate it!

    Thanks, Sgt.

  24. Hey, Frank – there’s an amusing bug / feature. When I wrote “couch potato” it automatically linked to Pippo’s entruy in the Lexicon. Celarly not what was intended, on this occasion!

  25. Right on Sgt.

    Mijn meisjes also seems to love the addition of the embrocation to the shaved legs. That is until some of it inadvertently reached that area of hers while in bed. She didn’t see the humor in it the way I did. I have had to promise to triple wash the guns prior to entering bed.

  26. GluteCramp:
    although I hate to say it, but I am planning on duty-free purchases that will deliberately contravene Rule #74, in order to more fully comply with Rule #71 such that I can achieve greater harmony with Rule #70

    I’m with you on this one. My Garmin 500 (Small and sleek, wireless, but measures HR) surely must comply as I use it to comply with Rule #71 and Rule #70, and I only use the HRM when I am specifically training. No training (ie having a break but still riding with the bunch) no HRM

    @g’phant A-Merckx

    @sgt I am slowly working my way to compliance, but I started with Rule #33.

  27. @G’phant
    umm, I’m starting to think someone else should’ve written this… Well put, sir.

    For me, I always snickered at the thought of amateur cyclists shaving for the sake of helping road rash cure. If an amateur, racer or nay is crashing enough to benefit in this way, they need to have their head examined (and not just from all the crashing). And I don’t know anyone who gets a massage after a ride. Especially not anyone who’s been married for any length of time.

    We shave because it looks fucking good and makes us feel Awesome. Own it.

    G’phant for the win.

  28. @Steampunk
    I wasn’t trying to link to Pippo at all. I was trying to employ the term (common in these parts) “couch p0t@t0” (i.e. someone who spends long hours watching TV eating crisps and drinking beer, rather than exercising). But any reference to “p0t@t0” on this site (spelt correctly) automatically links to Pippo’s Lexi entry.

  29. PS It also helps if you can lay down some V while you’re at it. Which I can typically manage.

  30. @sgt
    “We shave because it looks fucking good and makes us feel Awesome. Own it.”
    That’s why I’m in law, not marketing. What I was trying to say, but a whole lot shorter. Gotta remember: fewer words = more punch. +1.

  31. sgt :
    PS It also helps if you can lay down some V while you’re at it. Which I can typically manage.

    And that’s what I’d LIKE to be able to say. One day …

  32. sgt:
    PS It also helps if you can lay down some V while you’re at it. Which I can typically manage.

    That is yet another dilemma for the ages. Do you shave the guns to look the proper part, even if you’re still two months from peaking, or do you let them stay hairy because you don’t feel worthy of the look?

  33. @mcsqueak
    Get the look – then the fear of not having the performance to match will provide the extra motivation you need to peak better and sooner.

  34. @G’phant

    Can you provide that for me in more a more verbose legalese jargon? I’m not sure I the straight to the point marketing answer.

  35. @mcsqueak

    I’m not sure I get the straight to the point marketing answer, even. Proofread, proofread, PROOFREAD, for Merckx sake.

  36. I don’t think shaving my legs is form related or will remotely help me look good, but it definitely makes me feel like part of the gang still.

  37. Is that a Purdue Griffin I spy on your right there?

    I too have been dabbling with Rule #33 compliance. So far I’m liking it. Not sure what the wife thinks.

  38. @G’phant
    I love the tribal argument because it’s true. In Hawaii no one wears long pants and as yet no one has asked me about Rule #33 compliance but now I can just say, “it’s a tribal thing” and leave it at that.

    @mcsqueak

    That is yet another dilemma for the ages. Do you shave the guns to look the proper part, even if you’re still two months from peaking, or do you let them stay hairy because you don’t feel worthy of the look?

    I used to only shave when I was fit and worthy of having shaved legs, as I don’t race. But it’s better to shave ’em up, enjoy the sensations, and it will make you train more so some hippy douche can’t put some hurt on you.

  39. AWESOME, sgt!

    I really like the transformation from the 1st photo to the last. The V-kit is tight. Your face is thinner. You are clearly committed to La Vie Velominatus. I feel so off-the-back since I don’t have TWO helmets with matching Oakleys to stay fully coordinated with whichever kit comes out to play.

    To all who are not yet Rule #33 compliant–RULE 5. JUST DO IT. Trust me. When the guns are chiseled and the tan lines are sharp, VMH’s dig it. And you will feel like you are a committed member of the tribe because you are a member of the tribe. Welcome! Keep ’em smoove.

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