Categories: Rantings from the V-BunkerRiding UglyThe Rules

The Shaving

Heeeere's Danny!

[rule number=50]

Back when this Rule was coined, it seemed to have little meaning or relevance at all to Cycling. The only beard we’d ever witnessed on a Cyclist was that of the nasty Russian guy in American Flyers, and we all knew he, like Kevin Costner’s acting ability, didn’t actually exist.

Then along came Pantani, plus a slew of mountain bikers in the early 90s sporting goatees and variations of pointy sideburns, not the cool kind like the true stylemeisters De Vlaeminck and The Prophet wore. The goatee quickly became a partody of itself, especially when paired with dyed flouro-coloured hair, or worse, dyed as well as the hair. Sadly, I was guilty on all counts, culminating in an embarrassing situation when my best friend’s father died a couple of days after I turned my head a retina-scorching shade of Slazenger Yellow. It made for some welcome lightening of the mood at the funeral and wake though. It’s how he would’ve wanted it, so his widow told me, without a hint of irony or sarcasm. When Il Pirata did it on the Champs Elysees a few years later, I felt somewhat vindicated for my funeral faux pas. The crux of it though was both The Pirate and I looked ridiculous, even if we felt like rebels, but it did predicate the Pantani Clause in Rule #51.

That’s the whole trouble with the beard epidemic of the last year or so. When one person does something that goes against the grain of society, they’re a rebel by default. If the whole of the population, or close to it, is doing it, then it’s just a flock of sheep situation. And you know who stands out then? The sheep who’s been shorn. Maybe he’s covered in bloody cuts and nicks and has a few dags hanging off his arse, but he’s still the one that everyone is looking at. When Luca Paolini showed up with the makings of a full ginger bushranger face a couple of seasons ago, he garnered attention because it was individualistic. “The guy with the beard” stood out like dog’s balls. Then one or two others started sprouting some stubble here, a moustache there. It worked a treat for my mate Alex when he turned up at the World Cup cyclocross races in 2012 with his full handlebar upper lip warmer, because he stood out. Now there’re other imitators playing the same card with not as much success, because it’s been done. Originality is key.

I say it’s time for the beard to be banished from the peloton, and the bunches of the world. It’s time we took the razor to our faces as well as our legs; another mate Josh has even gone the extra step and has started using a cutthroat blade. If hipsters have taught us one thing, it’s that anything cool will soon be tarnished, besmirched and ruined by their appropriation of it. They did it to the Cycling Cap, and we’re only just reclaiming its rightful position as For Cycling Only. The beard, well we can let them have it, because it is soiling good reputations of fit men with smooth guns, smooth faces and smooth pates that are a hallmark of our sport. Shit, when even Tommeke has more hair on his chin than on his head, things have gone too far.

[dmalbum path=”/velominati.com/content/Photo Galleries/brettok@velominati.com/facial hair/”/]

Brett

Don't blame me

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View Comments

Nate says:

Jan 12 2015 at 1:51 pm

@ChrissyOne

That's a first class rant right there.

I see way too many bushy beards in SF right now. They all have the same haircut and pants too.

Thankfully my DNA makes me immune to the temptation of absurd facial hair.
SamFromTex says:

Jan 12 2015 at 1:53 pm

@oldensteel

@JohnB, They call it a "tactical" beard on this side of the pond. Although, I'm unaware of any "tactics" a so-called "tactical" beard was ever a part of.

Survival tactics - helps by retaining a Strategic Soup Reserve near the Mouth Unit at all times.
Chris says:

Jan 12 2015 at 2:03 pm

I'm getting a real mixed message from the Keepers on this. On the one hand, @brett reminds us that Rule 50 is explicit in it's condemnation of facial hair and on the other, there's a Keeper wandering around looking like this:

WTF, I'm confused and disturbed.

I know it's a bit chilly in Markoland but surely a Keeper should at least adhere to the Masturbation Principle?
Ccos says:

Jan 12 2015 at 2:07 pm

@unversio

I did grow a Grizzly Adams Junior beard these past few weeks in winter.

Grizzly Adams was THE MAN. Though I think his flap jacks were "kind" which explains why that prospector fucker was always jonesing for them.
wiscot says:

Jan 12 2015 at 2:12 pm

Merckx knows I'm a huge Tommeke fan, but what's up with his ears in that pic above? They look rather weird - almost Spock like . . .

Worst beard in modern sport: Andrew Luck of the Colts. Someone needs to have a wee word with him.
Barracuda says:

Jan 12 2015 at 3:53 pm

@ChrissyOne

Beards were cute for about 5 seconds, but they became a Thing, and so much of a Thing they've spawned the uncouth term "Lumbersexual" to describe that faux-rugged bar dwelling ironic Pabst drinker that you think might be in a band and hasn't bought a new shirt since his first Alice In Chains show.
At first I thought a better term about have been "Timbersexual", but then I ruminated a bit and decided that "Lumber" was perfect - it came from nature, to be sure, but it's been cleaned, dried, refined, and made uniform to match every other piece of lumber in the yard. Just like the latest wave of apathy-beard models. There's nothing rugged about you and your soy latte, even if you drive a Subaru.
That's not to say that facial hair is verboten. I have a few friends who sport outrageous and innovative mustaches, for example. But I know in most cases their wives (bless them) will not touch them while in this state.
So if you're going to do it, put some creativity into it. Just like the bike and the kit. Don't just get lazy and try to call it art. Grizzly mountain men look as they do because they lack running water and a Dollar Shave Club membership, not because they think they're impressing the elk.

Thats quality right there !

Cant add much more other than well said.

Why shave legs then put it all back on somewhere else. Pointless exercise !
Teocalli says:

Jan 12 2015 at 3:59 pm

@ChrissyOne

Talking of lumbersexual.............
Teocalli says:

Jan 12 2015 at 4:06 pm

Maybe if this is your commute there would be some small claim to special dispensation......
PeakInTwoYears says:

Jan 12 2015 at 5:38 pm

I should think that at this specific moment in history we would not be speaking favorably of banning or banishing, not even of trendy whateverthefuck-sexual beards in the peloton.

Personally, I'm done with facial hair (unless I'm too fucking lazy to shave for a week), but if Dan C. wants to rock a beard in the pro peloton or if @Marko wants to keep his fucking face from falling off in temps that are, quite literally, colder than the fucking surface of Mars, I'll not say a bad word.
Ron says:

Jan 13 2015 at 2:07 am

ChrissyOne - strong work! Thank you for that. I thought I was the only one fed up with the Lumbersexual. I had never seen one until seemingly a few weeks ago, now I go out with friends and we're the only guys not working some head-to-toe style schtick. It's fucking bizarre when you see someone and you're pretty sure they a) weren't dressing like that a month ago b) purchased everything they're wearing, including eyeglasses, within the last week.

What I find truly disturbing is how fast these "types" pop up thanks to the big, odd orgy soup of smartphones, t.v. shows, advertising, and fashion. What is sad is that I like fashion as a form of expression, but now there are just a few types for guys/gals and people actively work to fit into a category, instead of just being themselves and wearing what they like.

Maybe I'm just getting old and fed up with all the bullshit. It has been a whole day since I've gotten a long ride in.