Study of a Toolbag: The Assos Guy

Study of a Toolbag: The Assos Guy

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Until I started wearing the sacred threads of the V-Kit, I believed firmly that Assos produced the finest clothes in cycling.  Their winter clothes are toasty-warm and lack the bulk of most winter garb, while no epidermal cell has ever been lost to chaffing while wearing a pair of FI.13 bibs.

For a company who has such a stellar reputation in the construction of cycling clothing, I can’t understand why they have hired a sullen-faced body-builder who would look less out of place delivering lines like, “Hello, I understand your pipes need to be checked” than he does modeling cycling clothes.  That said, it does appear he has a talent for flexing every muscle in his body simultaneously – including those in his toes, and I suppose I can admire that.

That talent aside, take the photo in this article, which I found on The Google. I assume he’s demonstrating how to ride the Batcycle projectile, but  that’s not really a bicycle and is also fictional; as such I can’t see the relevance of wearing a pair of bibshorts while pretending to ride one.  Besides, everyone knows you need a cape to ride any of Batman’s gear. It’s protocol.

I also don’t understand why a company like Assoss would hire a guy with a shirt allergy to model their clothes. After all, since I am to understand Assos also sells jerseys, I would have thought it a sound business decision to find a candidate who, in addition to pulling off an excellent Blue Steel, should also be able to occasionally drape a garment over his chiseled abs.  But, as they say, hind-sight is 20-20, and since I wasn’t there, I shouldn’t pass judgement on their decisions.  Besides, they seem to have repeated the decision when choosing the model for their womens line, so maybe it’s part of their strategy.

In any case, for a company who makes the worlds second-best cycling kit, I recommend they shift to a marketing scheme that involves using people who occasionally ride bicycles to model their clothes.

// Accessories and Gear

  1. @Souleur
    I don’t know, man. I guess what really bugs me about Assos’s’s’s marketing plan is that for a company who knows so much about cycling, and has been worn to win the biggest races by the likes of Fignon and Faboo, I can’t understand why they wouldn’t choose people who look like cyclists to model their clothes.

    @Jarvis
    Castelli has one of these as well? Commencing Internet Research.

  2. @frank
    if it’s not Castelli it’s one of the other big brands*, was looking for kit for the velomihottie the other day…hence her comments

    *I just checked and it’s Giordana

  3. Frank, I’m glad someone has taken on this Assos guy as he really is a douchnozzle(thanks, Josh). He needs a beating. But, but, but the Assos girl is such a minx, it’s taken me a while but she has worn me down, certainly no cyclist but she does look good in Assos anyway.
    Here is my vote for cycling model, a real cyclist with fab legs and tan lines…schwinggggggg

  4. @Cyclops

    For fuck’s sake man, did you have to post that? I threw up more than a little in my mouth.

    Luckily, Ken and John administered the antidote promptly.

  5. @Frank

    In any case, for a company who makes the worlds second-best cycling kit, I recommend they shift to a marketing scheme that involves using people who occasionally ride bicycles to model their clothes.

    With Cyclops at one end of the spectrum and the douchebag below at the other, we have two great examples why Assos should not use real cyclists to model their clothes.

  6. Oh and whilst I’m on a roll here, this shot of the Chicken, who looks like he has coated his arms in Colonel Sanders secret recipe and stuck them in the deep fryer for 30 minutes, reminds me why this particular Rule Holist cannot subscribe to Rule #7.

    p.s. great site by the way …

  7. @ken

    My arm tanlines look very close to the same as the Chicken’s. I show them off as much as possible, if only to see the horrified looks on people’s faces. My thigh line is similarly defined. I place Rule #7 on equal terms with shaving. Crisp tanlines and smooth legs are part of a cyclist’s identity. A badge of honor, as it takes a helluva a lot of time in the saddle to attain such glorious tanlines.

    It is clear that the Chicken rides mostly without gloves though. I always wear gloves and during better times, I have a strip of tan from wrist to mid-bicep, while my hands are whitish, similar to Mickey Mouse.

  8. I maintain a figure similar to that of the Assos Guy. Looking like either Grimpeur is not something I’d be proud of.

    He adds something to the brand that others don’t have, whether it’s douchebaggery or notoriety. Everyone knows him as the “Assos Guy.” Bring him up in a conversation while on your weekend hammerfest, and everyone instantly knows who you’re talking about. Brand recognition. I think he’s great. The body of most professional cyclists are not ideal for marketing any type of clothing.

    Truth be told, I’d rather look like him than most pros.

    Either way, the first time I threw on a pair of Assos bibs, I knew there was no going back. In fact, my Assos kits were in the hamper, and I had no choice but to wear my old team kit made by Castelli. It just wasn’t the same.

  9. @Omar

    I had no choice but to wear my old team kit made by Castelli. It just wasn’t the same.

    You should try Castelli’s new stuff. I perviously had the same experience (as an Assos guy) until I went to the Aero bibs. They are incredible.

    The body of most professional cyclists are not ideal for marketing any type of clothing.

    Please review John’s contribution and tell me if you still feel that way.

  10. Omar :I maintain a figure similar to that of the Assos Guy. Looking like either Grimpeur is not something I’d be proud of.

    While I adhere to the tan line Rule, I’ve often wondered if it wasn’t a cyclists’ rule to divert attention away from the absence of delts.

    The body of most professional cyclists are not ideal for marketing any type of clothing.

    I’m also waiting for someone to evoke the image of Tom Boonen the Gladiator.

  11. frank :
    Please review John’s contribution and tell me if you still feel that way.

    True dat, but I’m still not buying anything she’s wearing.

  12. @ frank: I agree, no doubt as any red blooded American heterosexual, that lady up there would make me buy darn near anything, minus alimony and for me I would much rather see Fabian, the swiss hardman sell their duds. It seems a natural fit. But I am simply saying Assos may well like getting a rise out of people ‘who don’t get it’, because us cyclists are just appealing to that nuance. Thats all I am saying.

    The real question has nipple-slipped by however. My question is how the chicken painted perfectly those titties on his Assos base layer. Perfectly placed, level, proportionate. Kudo’s to the chickain’.

  13. Nice, amusing write-up. I too have always found the Assos Guy an odd one. Certainly doesn’t make me want to buy their gear. Has anyone else noticed in the Assos catalogues that come with their bibs have faint pictures in the background, some of them being shower scenes? Also kind of odd.

    Oh wow, I didn’t realize Assos was now #2. I guess I better get with it and place an order for the Velominati gear…

  14. Have a ride with the “ASSOS Guy” and check his results on The Iron Man of Hawai 2011. And after that you might have a second opinion on being an athlete, cyclist or whatever….

  15. @Yves
    Welcome Yves, oh no, are the Velominati going to have to retract the terrible things we have said about him? If he qualified for the World Championships in Kona he must be a good cyclists. For him to qualify in his age group means he can ride faster for 210km than any of us. Damn. I assumed, wrongly and with no evidence, that he was a crazy male model who maybe rode a stationary bike in the gym.

    Chapeau to him then. He still looks a little crazy in the Assos ads but maybe that is the art director making him. Seriously, I’d like to go on a ride with the “Assos Girl.”

  16. In the interest of balance it seems fair to let the Assos Guy have his say.

    http://www.competitivecyclist.com/learn/behindthezeghos?cmp_id=EM_CC_1043101_M1&mv_pc=r105

  17. @Mikael Liddy

    In the interest of balance it seems fair to let the Assos Guy have his say.

    http://www.competitivecyclist.com/learn/behindthezeghos?cmp_id=EM_CC_1043101_M1&mv_pc=r105

    Wooaa, he’s Photoshopped?!! Does this mean the same for Assos Girl?

    Nah!!

  18. I was just going to paste in the same article. Sure we were a little harsh with him. And yes, Cyclops did ruin our brains forever. Do Not scroll up!

    And Assos guy has never even met Assos girl! Crazy.

  19. @Gianni

    I was just going to paste in the same article. Sure we were a little harsh with him. And yes, Cyclops did ruin our brains forever. Do Not scroll up!

    And Assos guy has never even met Assos girl! Crazy.

    Shame really, imagine the progeny !!!!!

  20. @Barracuda

    @Gianni

    I was just going to paste in the same article. Sure we were a little harsh with him. And yes, Cyclops did ruin our brains forever. Do Not scroll up!

    And Assos guy has never even met Assos girl! Crazy.

    Shame really, imagine the progeny !!!!!

    We need to do something to facilitate an introduction.

  21. @Nate

    @Barracuda

    @Gianni

    I was just going to paste in the same article. Sure we were a little harsh with him. And yes, Cyclops did ruin our brains forever. Do Not scroll up!

    And Assos guy has never even met Assos girl! Crazy.

    Shame really, imagine the progeny !!!!!

    We need to do something to facilitate an introduction.

    Seems to work well in the equine industry.

  22. @Barracuda

    @Nate

    @Barracuda

    @Gianni

    I was just going to paste in the same article. Sure we were a little harsh with him. And yes, Cyclops did ruin our brains forever. Do Not scroll up!

    And Assos guy has never even met Assos girl! Crazy.

    Shame really, imagine the progeny !!!!!

    We need to do something to facilitate an introduction.

    Seems to work well in the sheep industry.

    Aren’t you from Stralya?  Fixed your post.

  23. Are we seriously discussing husbandry in regards to the assos models? Sounds a lot like human genetic engineering… Next you will be discussing the perfect race of people bred from the worlds upper echelon of cycling.

  24. @Barracuda

    @Gianni

    I was just going to paste in the same article. Sure we were a little harsh with him. And yes, Cyclops did ruin our brains forever. Do Not scroll up!

    And Assos guy has never even met Assos girl! Crazy.

    Shame really, imagine the progeny !!!!!

    Could just end up with replacement for Photoshop though?

  25. @DCR

    Are we seriously discussing husbandry in regards to the assos models? Sounds a lot like human genetic engineering… Next you will be discussing the perfect race of people bred from the worlds upper echelon of cycling.

    Our antipodean brethren have a long history of bringing animal husbandry into the discussion.  Hilarity usually ensues.

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