Study of a Toolbag: The Assos Guy

Study of a Toolbag: The Assos Guy

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Until I started wearing the sacred threads of the V-Kit, I believed firmly that Assos produced the finest clothes in cycling.  Their winter clothes are toasty-warm and lack the bulk of most winter garb, while no epidermal cell has ever been lost to chaffing while wearing a pair of FI.13 bibs.

For a company who has such a stellar reputation in the construction of cycling clothing, I can’t understand why they have hired a sullen-faced body-builder who would look less out of place delivering lines like, “Hello, I understand your pipes need to be checked” than he does modeling cycling clothes.  That said, it does appear he has a talent for flexing every muscle in his body simultaneously – including those in his toes, and I suppose I can admire that.

That talent aside, take the photo in this article, which I found on The Google. I assume he’s demonstrating how to ride the Batcycle projectile, but  that’s not really a bicycle and is also fictional; as such I can’t see the relevance of wearing a pair of bibshorts while pretending to ride one.  Besides, everyone knows you need a cape to ride any of Batman’s gear. It’s protocol.

I also don’t understand why a company like Assoss would hire a guy with a shirt allergy to model their clothes. After all, since I am to understand Assos also sells jerseys, I would have thought it a sound business decision to find a candidate who, in addition to pulling off an excellent Blue Steel, should also be able to occasionally drape a garment over his chiseled abs.  But, as they say, hind-sight is 20-20, and since I wasn’t there, I shouldn’t pass judgement on their decisions.  Besides, they seem to have repeated the decision when choosing the model for their womens line, so maybe it’s part of their strategy.

In any case, for a company who makes the worlds second-best cycling kit, I recommend they shift to a marketing scheme that involves using people who occasionally ride bicycles to model their clothes.

// Accessories and Gear

  1. Besides, they seem to have repeated the decision when choosing the model for their womens line, so maybe it’s part of their strategy.

    Exactly. By using a half-clothed male model, they can justify using a half-clothed female model. Equal rights and all that. Strangely she happens not to be a sullen-faced body-builder. And whilst she may not be a Velomihottie, she has a certain charm.

    So I’m not complaining. On no. Instead, I’m sending them another 120 of my hard-earned British pounds for a pair of bibshorts. Great shorts yes, but daylight robbery nonetheless. But the pain of parting with my cash is matched by the pleasure of handing it over to the pump-wielding, half clothed, Assos girl.

    Clever, these Swiss ….

  2. Isn’t that a poor downhill tuck?

  3. @Ken
    Actually, if I understand correctly (my Swiss isn’t that good), it’s the guy who handles the money.

  4. @ken,

    but how often are you going to be buying women’s cycling clothing? Or do you just read the catalogue to pass the time on the toilet?

    My velomihottie hates the Assos (and Castelli) marketing for their women’s lines. She’d probably not buy their stuff on that principle.

  5. There’s something a little Matrix-y about all this, isn’t there? That and the bold assertion that I’ve spent a lot of money on my kit if I’m wearing Assos, which I’ve never been too fond of. I’ve been perfectly happy with my Castelli and Cannondale bibs…

  6. You know who comes in 2nd in the Google ranking when you put in “The Assos Guy”?

    This guy:
    http://drillit.tv/2009/05/12/assos-guy/

    Velominati has pipped him at the line…

  7. he looks like Joshua

  8. @Marko
    Could be him. Last I heard, post-docs at Montana State didn’t make a decent wage. Mind you, he’s not cut like a beer and bacon guy…

  9. @Steampunk
    Sounds like a squabble-o-academia I best stay away from, I teach at a community college dude.

  10. To me, looks like he’s taking an aerodynamic dump – especially the last photo.

    That’s okay though, Assos probably also sells a trick carbon fiber pooper scooper…..

  11. Are there photos of The Tease, AKA, the Assos Girl in the feminine model of these bibs, performing those same, er, poses? ;P

  12. Jarvis :@ken,
    but how often are you going to be buying women’s cycling clothing? Or do you just read the catalogue to pass the time on the toilet?
    My velomihottie hates the Assos (and Castelli) marketing for their women’s lines. She’d probably not buy their stuff on that principle.

    Yes, no doubt their advertising turns off some female buyers. But I suspect less than 10% of the clothes they sell are to women. And you don’t have to be perusing page 105 the women’s section of the Assos catalouge in the toilet to catch sight of the girl. Though obviously it helps. She’s given a 50/50 prominence in many adverts.

    No doubt their marketing men will tell you it’s all about form following function. The athletic body in its purity, needing only the Assos shorts to complete the picture.

    Imagine the brand brainstorming session in Lugano:

    “So, how about a half-naked Assos guy”

    “Men don’t want to look at half naked guys”

    “There would be a half-naked Assos girl too, you know, ‘for our female customers'”

    “But only 10% of our customers are female”

    “Precisely”, they all nodded wisely in agreement.

  13. @Marko
    On the contrary. If anything, it’s a little petty jealousy for not getting that one when I applied several years ago. It’s one of the sweeter gigs in our field.

  14. I thought he was hanging on the toilet after a bad chicken sandwich.

    Well, Assos does make the best duds in the business, and their advertisement strategy may well be fine left alone. Think about it. Nearly everyone that is on the inside is asking this. Some say ‘where did that Tron dude come from?’. ‘Is he gonna shoot a spiderman web outta that thing?’. Others say ‘what is that’. I would say that Assos is perfectly fine as is w/their purposed advertising and keeping everyone guessing about things, developing interest in it and just simply continuing to provide us w/exclusive clothing.

    Truthfully, does it sell anything? I am not really sure, what do you guys think??

  15. Maybe Frank will let me model the V-Kit.

  16. BTW, that was four years ago.

  17. @Cyclops
    Way to make me regret getting the uploader to work!

  18. How does he get the tendon on the outside of his ankle to bulge so impressively while riding an imaginary speederbike from Return of the Jedi?

    http://24.media.tumblr.com/orYDLadn2pa4lvp7TZWCTdGAo1_400.gif

  19. @wvcycling

    The Tease. Purely for illustrative purposes you understand. Not gratuitous in any way.

  20. @Souleur
    I don’t know, man. I guess what really bugs me about Assos’s’s’s marketing plan is that for a company who knows so much about cycling, and has been worn to win the biggest races by the likes of Fignon and Faboo, I can’t understand why they wouldn’t choose people who look like cyclists to model their clothes.

    @Jarvis
    Castelli has one of these as well? Commencing Internet Research.

  21. @frank
    if it’s not Castelli it’s one of the other big brands*, was looking for kit for the velomihottie the other day…hence her comments

    *I just checked and it’s Giordana

  22. Frank, I’m glad someone has taken on this Assos guy as he really is a douchnozzle(thanks, Josh). He needs a beating. But, but, but the Assos girl is such a minx, it’s taken me a while but she has worn me down, certainly no cyclist but she does look good in Assos anyway.
    Here is my vote for cycling model, a real cyclist with fab legs and tan lines…schwinggggggg
    tan lines

  23. @Cyclops

    For fuck’s sake man, did you have to post that? I threw up more than a little in my mouth.

    Luckily, Ken and John administered the antidote promptly.

  24. @Frank

    In any case, for a company who makes the worlds second-best cycling kit, I recommend they shift to a marketing scheme that involves using people who occasionally ride bicycles to model their clothes.

    With Cyclops at one end of the spectrum and the douchebag below at the other, we have two great examples why Assos should not use real cyclists to model their clothes.

  25. Oh and whilst I’m on a roll here, this shot of the Chicken, who looks like he has coated his arms in Colonel Sanders secret recipe and stuck them in the deep fryer for 30 minutes, reminds me why this particular Rule Holist cannot subscribe to Rule #7.

    p.s. great site by the way …

  26. @ken

    My arm tanlines look very close to the same as the Chicken’s. I show them off as much as possible, if only to see the horrified looks on people’s faces. My thigh line is similarly defined. I place Rule #7 on equal terms with shaving. Crisp tanlines and smooth legs are part of a cyclist’s identity. A badge of honor, as it takes a helluva a lot of time in the saddle to attain such glorious tanlines.

    It is clear that the Chicken rides mostly without gloves though. I always wear gloves and during better times, I have a strip of tan from wrist to mid-bicep, while my hands are whitish, similar to Mickey Mouse.

  27. I maintain a figure similar to that of the Assos Guy. Looking like either Grimpeur is not something I’d be proud of.

    He adds something to the brand that others don’t have, whether it’s douchebaggery or notoriety. Everyone knows him as the “Assos Guy.” Bring him up in a conversation while on your weekend hammerfest, and everyone instantly knows who you’re talking about. Brand recognition. I think he’s great. The body of most professional cyclists are not ideal for marketing any type of clothing.

    Truth be told, I’d rather look like him than most pros.

    Either way, the first time I threw on a pair of Assos bibs, I knew there was no going back. In fact, my Assos kits were in the hamper, and I had no choice but to wear my old team kit made by Castelli. It just wasn’t the same.

  28. @Omar

    I had no choice but to wear my old team kit made by Castelli. It just wasn’t the same.

    You should try Castelli’s new stuff. I perviously had the same experience (as an Assos guy) until I went to the Aero bibs. They are incredible.

    The body of most professional cyclists are not ideal for marketing any type of clothing.

    Please review John’s contribution and tell me if you still feel that way.

  29. Omar :I maintain a figure similar to that of the Assos Guy. Looking like either Grimpeur is not something I’d be proud of.

    While I adhere to the tan line Rule, I’ve often wondered if it wasn’t a cyclists’ rule to divert attention away from the absence of delts.

    The body of most professional cyclists are not ideal for marketing any type of clothing.

    I’m also waiting for someone to evoke the image of Tom Boonen the Gladiator.

  30. frank :
    Please review John’s contribution and tell me if you still feel that way.

    True dat, but I’m still not buying anything she’s wearing.

  31. @ frank: I agree, no doubt as any red blooded American heterosexual, that lady up there would make me buy darn near anything, minus alimony and for me I would much rather see Fabian, the swiss hardman sell their duds. It seems a natural fit. But I am simply saying Assos may well like getting a rise out of people ‘who don’t get it’, because us cyclists are just appealing to that nuance. Thats all I am saying.

    The real question has nipple-slipped by however. My question is how the chicken painted perfectly those titties on his Assos base layer. Perfectly placed, level, proportionate. Kudo’s to the chickain’.

  32. Nice, amusing write-up. I too have always found the Assos Guy an odd one. Certainly doesn’t make me want to buy their gear. Has anyone else noticed in the Assos catalogues that come with their bibs have faint pictures in the background, some of them being shower scenes? Also kind of odd.

    Oh wow, I didn’t realize Assos was now #2. I guess I better get with it and place an order for the Velominati gear…

  33. Have a ride with the “ASSOS Guy” and check his results on The Iron Man of Hawai 2011. And after that you might have a second opinion on being an athlete, cyclist or whatever….

  34. @Yves
    Welcome Yves, oh no, are the Velominati going to have to retract the terrible things we have said about him? If he qualified for the World Championships in Kona he must be a good cyclists. For him to qualify in his age group means he can ride faster for 210km than any of us. Damn. I assumed, wrongly and with no evidence, that he was a crazy male model who maybe rode a stationary bike in the gym.

    Chapeau to him then. He still looks a little crazy in the Assos ads but maybe that is the art director making him. Seriously, I’d like to go on a ride with the “Assos Girl.”

  35. In the interest of balance it seems fair to let the Assos Guy have his say.

    http://www.competitivecyclist.com/learn/behindthezeghos?cmp_id=EM_CC_1043101_M1&mv_pc=r105

  36. @Mikael Liddy

    In the interest of balance it seems fair to let the Assos Guy have his say.

    http://www.competitivecyclist.com/learn/behindthezeghos?cmp_id=EM_CC_1043101_M1&mv_pc=r105

    Wooaa, he’s Photoshopped?!! Does this mean the same for Assos Girl?

    Nah!!

  37. I was just going to paste in the same article. Sure we were a little harsh with him. And yes, Cyclops did ruin our brains forever. Do Not scroll up!

    And Assos guy has never even met Assos girl! Crazy.

  38. @Gianni

    I was just going to paste in the same article. Sure we were a little harsh with him. And yes, Cyclops did ruin our brains forever. Do Not scroll up!

    And Assos guy has never even met Assos girl! Crazy.

    Shame really, imagine the progeny !!!!!

  39. @Barracuda

    @Gianni

    I was just going to paste in the same article. Sure we were a little harsh with him. And yes, Cyclops did ruin our brains forever. Do Not scroll up!

    And Assos guy has never even met Assos girl! Crazy.

    Shame really, imagine the progeny !!!!!

    We need to do something to facilitate an introduction.

  40. @Nate

    @Barracuda

    @Gianni

    I was just going to paste in the same article. Sure we were a little harsh with him. And yes, Cyclops did ruin our brains forever. Do Not scroll up!

    And Assos guy has never even met Assos girl! Crazy.

    Shame really, imagine the progeny !!!!!

    We need to do something to facilitate an introduction.

    Seems to work well in the equine industry.

  41. @Barracuda

    @Nate

    @Barracuda

    @Gianni

    I was just going to paste in the same article. Sure we were a little harsh with him. And yes, Cyclops did ruin our brains forever. Do Not scroll up!

    And Assos guy has never even met Assos girl! Crazy.

    Shame really, imagine the progeny !!!!!

    We need to do something to facilitate an introduction.

    Seems to work well in the sheep industry.

    Aren’t you from Stralya?  Fixed your post.

  42. Are we seriously discussing husbandry in regards to the assos models? Sounds a lot like human genetic engineering… Next you will be discussing the perfect race of people bred from the worlds upper echelon of cycling.

  43. @Barracuda

    @Gianni

    I was just going to paste in the same article. Sure we were a little harsh with him. And yes, Cyclops did ruin our brains forever. Do Not scroll up!

    And Assos guy has never even met Assos girl! Crazy.

    Shame really, imagine the progeny !!!!!

    Could just end up with replacement for Photoshop though?

  44. @DCR

    Are we seriously discussing husbandry in regards to the assos models? Sounds a lot like human genetic engineering… Next you will be discussing the perfect race of people bred from the worlds upper echelon of cycling.

    Our antipodean brethren have a long history of bringing animal husbandry into the discussion.  Hilarity usually ensues.

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