V-Announcements: The Way of the Cycling Disciple

V-Announcements: The Way of the Cycling Disciple

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We interrupt the current programming for the following announcement:

The more clever among you might have noticed slight shiftings of the sands, a new scent on the breeze. Indeed, the Velominati Boardroom has been bristling with activity of late; the meetings longer and more regular, the pints downed in quicker succession, the views shouted in louder slurs. This can mean only one thing: Velominati is publishing a book.

It is our great pleasure to announce that Velominati has teamed up with Sceptre (subsidiary of Hodder & Stoughton Publishers in the UK) to publish a book framed within the context of The Rules. The book will contain a listing of all the Rules as they currently exist, supplemented with essays written in the spirit of La Vie Velominatus. The book’s subtitle has not yet been finalized but it is provisionally entitled, “The Rules: The Way of the Cycling Disciple”.

Drummond Moir, who has the distinguished challenge of being named our editor (I hope he knows how to herd cats), had the following to say about the book:

I’m so looking forward to this. Imagine a two-wheeled Fight Club, or a cycling version of Neil Strauss’s cult bestseller The Game, and you’re halfway there.

I’ve seen Fight Club, but have no idea what The Game is. For simplicity’s sake, I’ll assume its Awesome. We plan to finish the manuscript by the New Year, and the book will be published in June, 2013. More information may be found on BookTrade.

Thanks to each and every one of you for your suport, and for making Velominati a place worth visiting. VLVV.

// General

  1. @Captain Poulidor I’ve been MIA for a while.  I finally set up a FB page, so now I get a little sump’n sump’n from Velominati daily.  So I’ve been stalking from the tall weeds.

    I just finished building up my new LOOK 595.  Story and pics to follow.

    Also, I’m moving to Dallas shortly.  So I guess I’ll change my handle, just like you did!  Any suggestions?  Jeff in Big D is at the top of my list right now.

    Cheers!

  2. @Jeff in PetroMetro

    @Captain Poulidor I’ve been MIA for a while.  I finally set up a FB page, so now I get a little sump’n sump’n from Velominati daily.  So I’ve been stalking from the tall weeds.

    I just finished building up my new LOOK 595.  Story and pics to follow.

    Also, I’m moving to Dallas shortly.  So I guess I’ll change my handle, just like you did!  Any suggestions?  Jeff in Big D is at the top of my list right now.

    Cheers!

    Jeff Does Dallas?

  3. I could now write an entire book on Rule #22

     
  4. Pulitzer Prize winner for sure……! Just hope the UCI doesn’t sue you in Switzerland after it’s published…!

  5. Awesome but an external editor? Surely we’ve enough in-house pedants to sort out the grammar and when it comes to the inclusion of borderline content, the conversation will probably go something like this:

    @Drummond Moir “@frank, you can’t say that, you’ll get sued.”

    @frank “why not, it’s never stopped us before? how about we include a picture of the assos girl to soften the blow?”

  6. Fantastic news… the perfect Velominati book IMHO would have:

    1. Free sample sachet of Nipple Lube attached to every cover.

    2. Scratch and sniff page of Flandrian mud.

    3. A Cipograph image of the Assos girl –  where it looks normal until you tilt it and her bib shorts come off.

  7. Good news, but I’m a little worried. “I’m so looking forward…” That’s how teenage girls and middle aged women who watch Oprah talk. So, like, I’m just a bit nervous.

  8. Wow! Mozel,mozel!  Maybe L.E. Gunderson can write the intro!

  9. @RedRanger

    Pretty amazing. How did this come up?

    They asked us to write a proposal, we tricked them into thinking it was worth doing, and now we’re staring down the business end of an intimidating deadline. That pretty much sums it up.

    @Jeff in PetroMetro

    Thank Merckx!  It’s about time.  This place was worthy of a book two years ago.  Congratulations, Keepers!  I can’t wait to read it.

    Merckx, its good to see that smiling mug of yours, JiPM.

    (BTW, when you move to Dallas – by the way, Seattle is lovely this time of year, consider that – just change your name to JiPM. Its what we all call you already, and then we don’t have to deal with an identity crisis.

  10. @Captain Poulidor

    Keepers – excellent.  Brett mentioned this to me a couple of years ago, and I do not know whether I am more delighted that it looks like it’s finally going to happen, or that you have fucked around for an inordinate amount of time before committing. 

    That would have been the original concept we had to self-publish a book in a small format that fit in a jersey pocket. Turns out self-publishing is a massive pain in the ass. Better this way. 

  11. @Chris

    Awesome but an external editor? Surely we’ve enough in-house pedants to sort out the grammar and when it comes to the inclusion of borderline content, the conversation will probably go something like this:

    @Drummond Moir “@frank, you can’t say that, you’ll get sued.”

    @frank “why not, it’s never stopped us before? how about we include a picture of the assos girl to soften the blow?”

    The contract says we can’t say anything obscene.

    Keepers: Ah, Drummond? This is going to be a problem. This is going to be a short book if we can’t be obscene.

    Drummond: Strike that bit, shall we?

    @Ron

    Good news, but I’m a little worried. “I’m so looking forward…” That’s how teenage girls and middle aged women who watch Oprah talk. So, like, I’m just a bit nervous.

    Its OK. Drummond is English. They all talk like that over there.

    @ChrisO +1!

  12. @frank Can’t wait to tell Drummond he’s English (he’s Scottish)

  13. Once @frank gave his lectures at that eminent institution of Canadian higher learning I felt a book could not be far behind.

  14. @frank possibly not a coffee table book if you’ve got kids under the age of 21 who can read, then.

  15. @blackpooltower

    @frank Can’t wait to tell Drummond he’s English (he’s Scottish)

    Fuck.

    Well, since I’ve just alienated our only ally in this process, I suppose it won’t hurt to conduct the rest of our meetings with him in my Scottish accent, which basically consists of me headbutting things and yelling FOOOQUOU!

    I was trying to protect your identity in this matter in case the book sucks and you still wanted to show your face around here, but:

    @all

    It was @blackpooltower who originally approached us to do the book, so you can all blame him.

  16. Cheers all! I happened to search “velominati” on amazon like 2 weeks ago (in hopes of a “the works” type list to come up with reading suggestions) and was suprised/pleased a listing for your forthcoming book is there. I just smiled and did my Mr. Burns…..excellent.  I hope it is a light to those seeking cycling enlightenment and an offensive, thorn to all the tools out there.  Either way should be fun, chapeau!

  17. Chapeau gentlemen! May I be so bold as to ask if there is any Velominata content pending? Besides the Assos girl, of course.

  18. I’d heard rumours…. but now it’s official:  chapeau! or – to blatantly rip-off @NedBoulting from the telly – Hat! if you don’t speak french.

    Frank – I assume this means book signings, launch parties, and as many podium girls as your tongue can handle, here in old London?  If you are coming across this way, remember to let us know – I may even dress up as a groupie

    Looking forward to reading it

  19. We’ve got bookshops in Scotland so you could do signings here too…

  20. @frank Ah, he’s used to it. And he loves it when people do Scottish accents. Sean Connery alwaysh goesh down well…

    And thanks for your discretion, but not needed. I’m very proud to have been instrumental.

  21. @the Engine

    We’ve got bookshops in Scotland so you could do signings here too…

    You’ve got those there now?? Interesting…

  22. The very notion of a V-Tome is making me tingly all over.  It better be hard-cover, so that you can literally whoop a non-compliant douche upside the head with THE RULES on the next group ride.

  23. @Oli

    Wait, so you’re printing the internet now?

    Great stuff, Keepers. I look forward to czeching your work out.

    This will look great next to my other favourite book

  24. @mcsqueak

    @the Engine

    We’ve got bookshops in Scotland so you could do signings here too…

    You’ve got those there now?? Interesting…

    Yes – they even bake the clay now so you can read your tablet when it rains

  25. @The Pressure

    Wow! Mozel,mozel!  Maybe L.E. Gunderson can write the intro!

    Can’y you guys approach Jens for the intro, his writing isn’t bad and it would be cool as.

  26. @TBONE

    @Oli

    Wait, so you’re printing the internet now?

    Great stuff, Keepers. I look forward to czeching your work out.

    This will look great next to my other favourite book

    Please tell us that’s some kind of photo-shopped joke. If real, it seems like the perfect christmas gift for your least favorite person.

  27. @the Engine

    @mcsqueak

    @the Engine

    We’ve got bookshops in Scotland so you could do signings here too…

    You’ve got those there now?? Interesting…

    Yes – they even bake the clay now so you can read your tablet when it rains

    Well aren’t YOU fancy!

    *goes back to eating a bucket of KFC while watching Honey Boo Boo on The “Learning” Channel…

  28. @wiscot

    @TBONE

    @Oli

    Wait, so you’re printing the internet now?

    Great stuff, Keepers. I look forward to czeching your work out.

    This will look great next to my other favourite book

    Please tell us that’s some kind of photo-shopped joke. If real, it seems like the perfect christmas gift for your least favorite person.

    http://www.cookingwithcum.com/

    Better yet. Secret Santa work Christmas party.

  29. @frank

    @Chris

    Awesome but an external editor? Surely we’ve enough in-house pedants to sort out the grammar and when it comes to the inclusion of borderline content, the conversation will probably go something like this:

    @Drummond Moir “@frank, you can’t say that, you’ll get sued.”

    @frank “why not, it’s never stopped us before? how about we include a picture of the assos girl to soften the blow?”

    The contract says we can’t say anything obscene.

    Keepers: Ah, Drummond? This is going to be a problem. This is going to be a short book if we can’t be obscene.

    Drummond: Strike that bit, shall we?

    @Ron

    Good news, but I’m a little worried. “I’m so looking forward…” That’s how teenage girls and middle aged women who watch Oprah talk. So, like, I’m just a bit nervous.

    Its OK. Drummond is English. They all talk like that over there.

    @ChrisO +1!

    Hopefully, Drummond is more like this.

  30. @roadslave525

    Frank – I assume this means book signings, launch parties, and as many podium girls as your tongue can handle, here in old London?  If you are coming across this way, remember to let us know – I may even dress up as a groupie

    The launch will be in London, but at this stage its not clear if any Keepers will be able to go. I would certainly happily sign away my unborn children in order to do so.

    @Gianni

    When I tell you to fuck off, what do you think it means?

    Yeah, pretty much. That would kick ass.

  31. @TBONE

    I threw up in my mouth.

    @wiscot@TBONE

    Please stop fucking quoting it! You’re making it worse!

  32. @blackpooltower

    @frank Ah, he’s used to it. And he loves it when people do Scottish accents. Sean Connery alwaysh goesh down well…

    And thanks for your discretion, but not needed. I’m very proud to have been instrumental.

  33. @ChrisO

    Fantastic news… the perfect Velominati book IMHO would have:

    1. Free sample sachet of Nipple Lube attached to every cover.

    2. Scratch and sniff page of Flandrian mud.

    3. A Cipograph image of the Assos girl –  where it looks normal until you tilt it and her bib shorts come off.

    Would prefer a scratch and sniff of the Assos girl…

  34. Splendid, where do I sign?

    @wiscot, @TBONE

    Disturbing, but fucking funny at the same time.

  35. @TBONE @wiscot  The author is apparently “Fotie Photonauer”.  Anyone else smell spoof?  (As it were.)

  36. We can see what will happen.

    There will be people out there who speak the Velotongue but do not truly appreciate the silent core of humility which lies at the heart of every Velominatus. They will go out on the roads and sully the image by being bastards. They will read the book and buy bicycles. The bike shops will start pandering. Pander pander pander. The hipsters will start doing it ironically. Wearing the kit. Actually, like, being, like, really into their road bikes, like, its actually, like, so much more like honest and real than, like, like fixies.

    There will be interviews on Ellen DeGeneres. Happy smiling guys in V-Kit saying ‘Hey, it’s great fun for all the family, anyone can do it, woo!’. DeGeneres will make a joke about guns or pistons. Cue screams of mirth in the studio. She will ride a road bike four feet across the room. Cue screams of mirth.

    There will be V-cupcakes and V-Plates, V-Cards, V-Apps. V-competitions, V-offers, V-documentaries, V-toys.

    But somewhere out there, the true V men will survive.

    In the rain. Pedalling. In the sun. Grimacing.

    Into the night. Over the horizon.

    Into forever.

    :..(

  37. @Gianni Incredibly well played sir.

    Sorry I know that you disapprove of swearing so I’ll sort that, you are a boring f**cunt

  38. I will, without reservation, pay V dollars for this book.

  39. +1

    To think that we are in some small way all dropped by these literary Velominati as they travel the talk show circuits…you thought I was going  to say part of it. Didn’t ya!?

  40. Looking forward to my purchase of this tome of collected wisdom. Just make sure I am in line in front of Petrometro!

  41. @jeff in Petrometro. Name change to NTAC Dallas?  Cheers mate!!

  42. As to Jeff in Petrometro’s comment on name change. How would I go about that as I am now the Sales Manager of a Cycle shop in Dubai. I would like my name to reflect that. Thanks for any help you can give this lowly pack rider.

  43. @Winelli

    We can see what will happen.

    There will be people out there who speak the Velotongue but do not truly appreciate the silent core of humility which lies at the heart of every Velominatus. They will go out on the roads and sully the image by being bastards. They will read the book and buy bicycles. The bike shops will start pandering. Pander pander pander. The hipsters will start doing it ironically. Wearing the kit. Actually, like, being, like, really into their road bikes, like, its actually, like, so much more like honest and real than, like, like fixies.

    There will be interviews on Ellen DeGeneres. Happy smiling guys in V-Kit saying ‘Hey, it’s great fun for all the family, anyone can do it, woo!’. DeGeneres will make a joke about guns or pistons. Cue screams of mirth in the studio. She will ride a road bike four feet across the room. Cue screams of mirth.

    There will be V-cupcakes and V-Plates, V-Cards, V-Apps. V-competitions, V-offers, V-documentaries, V-toys.

    But somewhere out there, the true V men will survive.

    In the rain. Pedalling. In the sun. Grimacing.

    Into the night. Over the horizon.

    Into forever.

    :..(

    Fuck me that’s good +1 even with the forbidden emoticon

  44. @TBONE Haha, EWWW!!? That is seriously gross, and I’m worried about how one even knows such a thing exists.

  45. @Gianni I am going to hunt out and watch In The Loop on the strength of that audition.

  46. when you go on the book tour, make sure you use “siri” to ask where to get some food & drink, & use a scottish accent. a clip for apple scotland:
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SGxKhUuZ0Rc&feature=youtube_gdata_player

  47. @actor1 and DEFINITELY n.s.f.w. if you turn the volume up.

  48. @the Engine Apologies, I don’t know what came over me there with the little face!

  49. @actor1

    Hilarious! My oldest son’s soccer coach sounds about like that, without the F-bombs.

  50. @ Frank…I see the PR wagon is in full motion now.  I took a chance and bought the first edition of Cyclist Magazine.  Well “what the hell” if the sale price of 1st editions of Rouleur are anything to go by this could make me some money in the future.  I have also ordered a couple of issues or Rouleur which I will compare to see how the new magazine stacks up..I mean Cyclist is half the price almost so it may swing my final decision on subscriptions…

    However more to the point, what do I find on page 42…but our very own Frank waxing lyrical about the The Rules!

    We should expect an influx of members…right…about…now!

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