Breaking The Rules: #29
As we gingerly assembled outside the gite, the Belgian sun shining for the first time in the three days we’d been in the spiritual home of cycling, the conversation was muted; what do you say to a legend of the sport, an apostle in his parish about to hold a sermon on two wheels? I can’t recall who it was who said it, but I remember the sentiment. Something along the lines of “yeah, we do that because that’s a Rule”. The rebuttal was swift and concise, its message with little to zero chance of being misinterpreted.
“NO RULES!”
I felt the collective wind rapidly leaving the sails of everyone within earshot. Those who didn’t hear it could sense that something was amiss.
When you have been told in no uncertain terms that the very essence of what you have built your reputation, your persona, indeed your identity on doesn’t mean a thing to someone you presumed would be a poster boy for all things Pro and style, it’s like being given the keys to a Ferrari then discovering it’s fitted with a speed limiter set to 60kmh. As we rolled through the farm tracks, byways and cobbled climbs around Kemmel, the Apostle seemed now keen to learn more of The Rules and what they encompassed in relation to not exactly looking Pro, but Looking Fantastic. This seemed to sit better with our guest, and by the end of the ride the “no rules” statement was long forgotten. But the sentiment was easier for us to comprehend; you can make the rules, you can bend them, even break them if you want, but if you must flout them, then do it with the same ideals with which you would obey them.
Which brings us to one of the most divisive Rules in the set; #29. “A saddle bag has no place on a road bike…” I think I even coined this particular one, and have been a long time advocate of its use. And because of my strict adherence to it, my bike always looked great but my jersey pockets started to resemble a camel named Humphrey. There was so much crap stuffed in there that my lower back would ache on any ride longer than down to the corner shop. Items were discarded ad hoc until the real danger was never being able to make it home without the help of a pump-wielding, tube-proffering riding mate.
I found what I thought might be the solution; a tiny ‘tube pack’ from Continental, which velcro’d to the seat rails like so many other packs, but was barely noticeable (by comparison). At least until you rode over anything rougher than the smoothest seal, when the Co2 canister inside would rattle itself against the seat base relentlessly and annoy the crap out of me (and anyone within a 2km radius). I’ve had it eject itself from my seat at the most inopportune times. So I’d stuff it into my jersey pocket, and be pretty much back at square one, only a slightly neater square one.
Our partnership with fizik gots me to thinkin’ though, and their small saddle pack looked at least like it had a cool mounting system with no chance of it rattling against the seat. Why the hell not? Now, while this pack is small and stylish, it’s still a saddle pack, and I’ll never really be a fan. They just cloud the aesthetic of any bike. But I’ve never been one to shy away from experimentation. Here’s the results so far:
Yes, it’s pretty compact. I can easily stuff a tube, 2 Co2 canisters, a lever, glueless patch kit and a multitool in there (though I never carry a tool). I’m sure another tube and a fair bit of useless stuff could be squeezed in too. Yes, the mounting system is cool, if you have a fizik saddle; it slides into the slot built into the base and can be adjusted to the angle best suited to the seat. If you don’t have a fizik saddle (why the hell not?) then there’s a velcro strap version too. But when mounted, the pack sticks out quite a way behind the saddle, which looks a bit weird to my eyes. So I struck on a solution; undo the hinge bolt on the pack’s mount, slide it out and turn the mounting arm around. Then slip it into the mounting slot from under the saddle (the front rather than the rear) and voila… tucked away nicely, looks way tidier and still easily accessible.
But, it’s still a saddle bag. While a functional, good looking one, the fact remains that any saddle bag looks worse than none at all. I can’t see it gracing my bike except for very long rides, when the maximum of gear needs to be carried. So if you’re going to mess with Rule #29, do it in style, keep it small, tidy and only filled with the bare essentials. I’m sure even an Apostle will back me up on this one.
[dmalbum path=”/velominati.com/content/Photo Galleries/[email protected]/rule 29/”/]
From the main photo I thought that fi’zi:k bag was mounted on there sideways!
Getting bored, bretto? I rationalized a saddle bag for a while but it’s been a long time. I had one of these fizik things for two weeks before the plastic clip broke from fatigue on a trashed section of road I pound over regularly. If you have trouble with stuff flopping around in jersey pockets it just means your jersey doesn’t fit and/or you arent wearing V-kit. Spare sew up under the saddle is pure awesomeness, has nothing to do with Rule #29.
@starclimber
Overcooked steak. Defeats its own purpose. No No No.
@wiscot
I’ll do a bit of that route after work tonight
Never slung an extra scrotum when I was riding back in the day, and I did a few long rides. I did get into the habit briefly in the late nineties when I was having a fling with a skanky mtb. When I got a road bike again, I put a bag on and had to take it off. To my eye, full pockets–while unattractive–are less ugly than a bag under the seat.
Thanks for this article, Brett. I’m an avid Rule #29 breaker, with my rather large EPMS (which I am looking to downsize, by the way). I’ve always liked Fi’zi:k’s integrated seat-mounted items, but haven’t ever seen them at my LBS (or any other LBS nearby). Your little trick to swapping the bracket around gives me a goal and hope for my future rule breaking. =)
Your contents in this one must be a digital camera, an extra apple, a manicure set, a comb, and… some dry socks. Right?
That’s not even a small fizik bag.
I could get rid of my saddlebag, but then where would I keep my elephant testicles?
I may have missed the point here.
Purchased the same compact Continental ‘tube pack’ to go “IN THE JERSEY” and now use a carbon SciCon pack “IN THE JERSEY”
@the Engine
The Blink!
On my ride tomorrow I may wear a black arm band, and perhaps tape over the rules that adorn my right thigh on almost every ride.
Why?
I’ll be in mourning because Bretto has gone nutters and is trying to murder the rules with a rusty, blunt knife!
For most normal road rides (exceptions being something like a crazy gravel ride or something like that, mentioned earlier), everything you need should be able to fit neatly in your pockets.
If it doesn’t, you may be a harder and will probably appear on one of those A&E shows soon…
The story about Museeuw is a great one; we were talking about Rule #37 and to prove a point he put his sunglasses inside his helmet straps for about 7 seconds before he couldn’t take it any longer and put them back on right.
He started off saying No Rules, but by the end of the ride, he was totally into it and even suggested two new ones. The power of The V; its not about Looking Pro, its about Looking Fantastic. There is a large overlap in the two sets, but Looking Fantastic is what its all about, and even (ex)Pros can get on board with that.
Er, you may be a HOARDER, is what that last sentence should say. Yay English.
@mcsqueak
Its OK, just file this in the bin with all the other crazy shit that’s going on in Oz right now. He can’t really help it, its in the air down there or something. As Scaler said, must be a long Winter. The Keepers will have an intervention with Poor Old Brett and we’ll have him back in ship shape in no time.
Go all the way with this fanny pack.
@mxlmax
The same – it only works intermittently intermittently
@mxlmax
Is that with the proper Scots usage – as in “ya fanny”?
@the Engine
I like the Blink. And like taking it off when not necessary (sunny day) and popping the fizik emblem back in. I once bought the smallest fizik bag and cut the strap off to try it “IN THE JERSEY”, but it was still too big.
@mxlmax
Can’t figure how to get the little fucker off – and I’ve misplaced the emblem – and I suspect the light weights much the same as the emblem – so there it remains.
@mxlmax
Bretto, a comb? Nah.
Wow! I’ve never seen a post get so many responses so fast. But then it’s even gotten me out of my usual lurking to opine.
I have to admit that I am shocked to see this post, especially from Brett, author of this.
Back in June I did a 200km Sportive in the Pyrenees and, not wanting to stop at the rest stops, I had my pockets filled with food, plus the obligatory arm warmers and gilet. So I went with an EPMS from Lezyne (micro caddy, linked here on Wiggle as Lezyne’s site is now showing new models.) This particular EPMS actually tucks in under the saddle pretty well, but it’s still an EPMS. In any case, I used it for that ride but felt dirty about it, then took it off immediately afterwards. If I had been wearing the sacred garments I probably wouldn’t have done it at all. Oh, the shame!
So I may have tried it, but I didn’t inhale! And to have one of the Keepers talk about having it on his bike long term really just shakes my faith in Western Civilization as I thought I knew it.
@Frank, maybe you should just take this post down completely and we can pretend it never happened. (Also note that I didn’t post an actual photo of the offending Lezyne bag…)
@Skip
No don’t take the post down! I have seen the light and can spread the word…I am not packing a shiny new topeak micro rocket pump with a blackburn toolminator and one of those tiny tiny lezyne patch kits and the EPMS is gone!…I even have room in my pockets for a take away curry! genius!!!
I’ve actually stopped using a saddle bag purely to be more rule compliant… now I find it’s all been a waste of time.
All of it… the Rules, cycling, my life, all human existence. Nice one Brett.
NO FUCKING SEAT BAGS, ASS-WIPES!
@Cyclops
Merckx’s ball sack. You can afford a GT3 but have that shit on top? I’d key the fuck out of that car if I saw it, just out of spite.
@scaler911 I wouldn’t be surprised if there was a roof rack in the official approved equipment list but a tow bar on a GT3 – massive warranty and insurance fail.
@ChrisO That’s how I feel. Apart from failing to comply with Rule #33 for relationship reasons, I’ve done verything I can to Obey the Rules.
What next, @gianni on how flat bars are good for your back and @frank’s step by step how to mod a Cervelo to take suspension forks and wide tires?
@Chris
Exactly. Why would you even want to do that to such a bitchen machine? Gonna run your yard debris to the dump in your $185,000 barely street legal race car?
@scaler911
It’s not mine. It’s a visual representation of what running a seat bag on your bike is like.
A 911 with a trailer (AND a mtn bike on top)? Next thing you know you’ll be running a seat bag on your bike. Loser.
BTW, if you can afford a GT3 then you can afford to buy whatever you need when you get there.
@scaler911 to be fair the trailer could be to take spare, completely illegal tyres to track days. Still utterly wrong, though, and there’s no excuse for a bike on that car. Rule #25 makes that an impossibility.
Cycling = try harder. Try harder to remove that papoose! Carry your toy pooch along some other way.
And your saddle needs to be level!
Don’t we love a saddlebag discussion? I too was a dissenter but thanks to my light fingered neighbours, I’m assuming Velominati agents aren’t operating in the dodgy suburbs of Napoli, I was left looking for an alternative.
I discovered all you have to do is fly longhaul with Emirates, Roma-Auckland will do it, and they’ll provide you with just what you need. You can collect an armfull of discarded ones as you leave the plane if you so desire.
As for the annoying rattle of cannisters, I stuff mine in a bit of old inner tube. This could also guard against frozen fingers, although I’ve yet to try it.
Now I’ve said it I’ll tell you tomorrow how it works.
[dmalbum: path=”/velominati.com/wp-content/uploads/readers/napolinige/2012.09.05.17.23.13/”/]
C’mon now…that photo is clearly a joke of some sort. Car has NY tags while the trailer has NJ tags. New Yorkers don’t help our sad little cousins to the south & definitely don’t tow their junk for them…
I had to second-guess myself yesterday just before heading out to ride. I only tucked in a SciCon (compact) pack into my jersey. That was it. No phone (not charged anyway). This serves me better in a pocket — not on the rails.
@Ron
What a relief to hear you say that. I thought your inner New Yorker had disappeared.
Breaking The Law, Judas Priest, yes. But their expression here shows how much they do not appreciate your neato “accessory”
What’s next, an article on the best kind of pantyhose to hide unshaven legs? This blasphemy can only be meant as a test, not a true schism.
For me it is a sign. I struggled with 29, the only rule I occasionally flouted, using all these excuses and more (no cage bosses = bottle in pocket).
This morning I cut the strap off my only remaining EPMS, the tiny Scicon Elan. Fits better in my pocket now, and it’s a few grams lighter.
@pistard Yes… Yesss… cut the strap off and complete your journey to the ?? other side! Although, I am pitching the CO2 and will want to use the strap to bundle the pump to the SciCon pack.
This is awesome! I said to the other Keepers yesterday that this would generate some ‘passionate discussion’, and lo and behold I wake up to 90 posts!
But I think some of you didn’t read the article and just saw the photo and saw red… did any of you read this? “A saddle bag has no place on a road bike…” I think I even coined this particular one, and have been a long time advocate of its use.”
This? ” Now, while this pack is small and stylish, it’s still a saddle pack, and I’ll never really be a fan. They just cloud the aesthetic of any bike. But I’ve never been one to shy away from experimentation.”
Or this? “But, it’s still a saddle bag. While a functional, good looking one, the fact remains that any saddle bag looks worse than none at all. I can’t see it gracing my bike except for very long rides, when the maximum of gear needs to be carried.”
I rode with the sack for one (1) ride, and now it’s back in the cupboard. So you can all settle down, take a deep breath and rest easy that the sanctity of The Rules is intact, at least 29.
Now, sit back and wait for Marko and Gianni to defend running frame-mounted pumps on their rigs…
@brett
– “I can’t see it gracing my bike except for very long rides, when the maximum of gear needs to be carried.”
The problem here is the ‘except’. What next, panniers?
@brett
This is how your post reads to me:
Just wrong.
Tough crowd…
@Chris ouch!
@unversio
Now that’s a pack of fannies.
Chaps, poor form
First there is an article at the end of August discussing co2 canisters, and now this? I learned the hard way about the panache needed to be viewed apart from our colleagues on mountain bikes (Rule 35). Yes I’ll say it, use a pump.
I feel like a schoolboy at certain Catholic schools.
Forgive them father, for they know what what they do.
@brett
You brought it on yourself brother……….Keepers writing articles saying it’s OK to break the rules is like Moses banging his neighbors wife and writing a chapter about it. We all bend or break the rules, but there’s a DADT policy around ’em.