Zoo Hill Time Trial: Triple Dip into the Pain Pool
You can’t teach an old dog new tricks but you can grab a beer and watch that old dog do the same stupid thing over and over again, which is almost the same as a doing trick. On an unrelated note, I find myself, for the third year running, staring down the business end of the week approaching the Climb4Cancer time trial up Zoo Hill in Issaquah, Washington.
Zoo Hill is perhaps the most diabolical climb I know of, and I include in that statement the various cobbled bergs we tackled in Belgium this year, as well as the considerable heap of climbs around the US and Europe that I’ve had the great pleasure of hauling my too fat to climb carcass up. The trouble with this particular climb is the ferocity of the lower pitches which give way to a dead-straight final section of road consisting of ever-steepening rollers.
There is no keeping the powder dry on the ramps that litter the bottom half of the climb; this is an á bloc, stay-alive effort which serves to mop up speed and morale in equal measure. By the time you make the right-hand turn onto the sinister second half of the climb, your guns are fried and lungs hemorrhaging V resin. This section of road is nearly straight (which Science has proven is the most annoying kind of road to climb) and consists of a series of rollers which gain in gradient and culminate with the longest and steepest of them. This section is made physically daunting by the already-blown guns at your disposal, and mentally devastating by the fact that even if you could remember how many rollers there are in total, there is no way you can remember how many you’ve already sorted. (The answers are always “too many” and “not enough”, respectively.)
Riding this section during recon, it’s tempting to imagine moving Sur La Plaque and using the momentum from the short descents to fly up the next roller and thus dispatching with this comparatively easier section without much ado. Arriving here during the race, however, one faces an alternate reality consisting of legs reduced to quivering lumps of useless flesh, and rather than slipping into the big ring, ghost-shifting into a non-existent lower gear.
I look forward to my next attempt at bettering my time up Haleakala in Hawaii, which represents an unrelenting 60km ride from sea level to 3,000 meters, dished out in a massive four-hour helping of serial suffering. But I find nothing but dread in my heart when I cast my mind to the quarter of an hour of comprehensive pain I will endure on Saturday.
Donations Update
This event is organized to support cancer research with donations going to the Fred Hutchinson Cancer Research Center. The Climb4Cancer Charity has arranged for donation-matching; for those of you who donated prior to the event, your contributions were given in the name of the Velominati Community. Thanks to you all for your support.
@frank 14:01
Good Luck
14:05
13:45 for the Dutchiest of Dutch Monkeys this Saturday.
@Frank @ 14 even
@James @ 13:47
13:18. Just make sure you take your Xipamide tomorrow night.
@frank-14:18
Wild guess as unfortunately we didn’t get to observe your form in person last weekend. [Sad emoticon omitted]. 14:03.
@Frank 13:55
@Buck Rogers 13:41
@RedRanger13:33
@Mikael Liddy 13.56
@roger 13:58
@girl 13:53
@Adrian 13:02
@Duende 13:49
@snoov 13:13, the unluckiest possible time, surely
@Dan_R 13:22
@Chris 14:21, bastid
@Sauterelle 12:58
@Anais Ninja 14:13
@Xyverz 14:02
@el mateo 14:01
@San Tonio 14:05
@mcsqueak 13:45
@urbanwhitetrash 14:00 (@James 13:47)
@scaler911 13:18 (who is also DS’ing the effort)
@SuperFed 14:18
@Nate 14:03
@Kevin 13:55
@frank
Damn Frank, no pressure, eh?
@frank
I don’t subscribe to anything metaphysical, transcendental or quaint notions of luck and chose that time to defy gods and magic.
The only thing I have faith in is that you and your guns will do their utmost to perform well on the day, out of respect for the V-kit you will no doubt be wearing. I know you won’t be trying to hit my time but I’d hope that for a few nights before you will abstain from alcohol and get plenty of sleep. Yeah right, like that’s gonna happen!
@snoov
I’m not superstitious either, but I only used to race in one set of lenses and one pair of gloves, regardless of the weather. Anything else and I was doomed to have a bad day.
@Buck Rogers
All good fun. The only thing going through my mind will be concentration on keeping the rhythm going for just one more rev. If I let up, then I’ll be bummed. If I explode or break my cranks off, I’ll be fine. Just so long as I go hard and do a good ride, I’ll be happy. A good time will just be icing on the cake.
I’ll take 13:39
@frank – Again, good luck, good sir!
Loving the sub 10 talk but that’s a long way of your best, I am compromising at a tidy 12:00 dead (not literally)
13:35 of pure pain
$1…oh shit I meant 14:07.
@frank
I’m going with a 3% gain over last year’s time.
13:50
@frank
B’stard, old boy, B’stard.
12.45.
I am in but (no reflection on what I think of you and your abilities Frank) I am going to increase my chances of winning the super prize offered by going in the wrong direction… Shit happens but I want to win!
15:10
Good luck and blow my pessimism away!!
12:03
Only 29 people have dipped into the pool for the handlebar cufflinks. Seems that if I go anywhere in the 13 minute range, it will be a tight rice. Sub 13 or over 14 and it will be wide open.
And fuck you, @Rob.
@Buck Rogers 13:41
@RedRanger13:33
@Mikael Liddy 13.56
@roger 13:58
@girl 13:53
@Adrian 13:02
@Duende 13:49
@snoov 13:13, the unluckiest possible time, surely
@Dan_R 13:22
@Chris 14:21, bastid
@Sauterelle 12:58
@Anais Ninja 14:13
@Xyverz 14:02
@el mateo 14:01
@San Tonio 14:05
@mcsqueak 13:45
@urbanwhitetrash 14:00 (@James 13:47)
@scaler911 13:18 (who is also DS’ing the effort)
@SuperFed 14:18
@Nate 14:03
@Kevin 13:55
@seemunkee 13:39
@meursault 12:00
@Souleur 13:35
@ramenvelo 14:07
@xyxax 13:50
@motor city 12:45
@Rob 15:10
@Cyclops 12:03
Go hard my friend, that hill is your bitch. 12:52
Scaler is DSing. You’ll set a craking time but no one will believe you because it’ll be recorded as Frankie Strack (f).
Wait there’s a prize? I’ll be in!
Put me down for 13:59.
Godd luck
@ChrisO
You should analyze our collective idiocy on this one.
13:31
I like palindromes.
@snoov 13:13, the unluckiest possible time, surely
Oh, and good luck, Mate. Voekler that climb.
14.47 unless you hallucinate a wolf chasing you… Good luck Frank – smash it up mate!
I’m going for 13:28.
Oh, umm, 13:47. Or so…..
14.06.
Strong from you, Frank – make sure you bung it on strava.
@Buck Rogers 13:41
@RedRanger13:33
@Mikael Liddy 13.56
@roger 13:58
@girl 13:53
@Adrian 13:02
@Duende 13:49
@snoov 13:13, the unluckiest possible time, surely
@Dan_R 13:22
@Chris 14:21, bastid
@Sauterelle 12:58
@Anais Ninja 14:13
@Xyverz 14:02
@el mateo 14:01
@San Tonio 14:05
@mcsqueak 13:45
@urbanwhitetrash 14:00 (@James 13:47)
@scaler911 13:18 (who is also DS’ing the effort)
@SuperFed 14:18
@Nate 14:03
@Kevin 13:55
@seemunkee 13:39
@meursault 12:00
@Souleur 13:35
@ramenvelo 14:07
@xyxax 13:50
@motor city 12:45
@Rob 15:10
@Cyclops 12:03
@brett 12:52
@napolinige 13:59
@G’phant 13:31
@heinous 14:47
@DerHoggz 13:28
@Buck Rogers 13:41
@RedRanger13:33
@Mikael Liddy 13.56
@roger 13:58
@girl 13:53
@Adrian 13:02
@Duende 13:49
@snoov 13:13, the unluckiest possible time, surely
@Dan_R 13:22
@Chris 14:21, bastid
@Sauterelle 12:58
@Anais Ninja 14:13
@Xyverz 14:02
@el mateo 14:01
@San Tonio 14:05
@mcsqueak 13:45
@urbanwhitetrash 14:00 (@James 13:47)
@scaler911 13:18 (who is also DS’ing the effort)
@SuperFed 14:18
@Nate 14:03
@Kevin 13:55
@seemunkee 13:39
@meursault 12:00
@Souleur 13:35
@ramenvelo 14:07
@xyxax 13:50
@motor city 12:45
@Rob 15:10
@Cyclops 12:03
@brett 12:52
@napolinige 13:59
@G’phant 13:31
@heinous 14:47
@DerHoggz 13:28
@moondance 13:47
@Smithers 14:06
@Smithers
I’ve gone stealth on Strava; only publicly publishing rides that are Cogals or other events, or contain a KOM. Anything else is just noise, so I keep it off there. The “Frank rode 30km and climbe 400m” feed activity is the Twitter equivalent of “I just ate a tasty sandwich.”
But so, yeah. I’ll post this one.
@frank In the absence of a “dispute” button: I picked 13:31 (the palindrone) It was Snoov who picked 13:13.
@Sauterelle
Everybody is Too Fat to Climb on this hill. Everybody.
Lets examine some of the evidence.
Here’s the steepest corner. Rather a bit steep.
Here’s one for perspective.
This guy came by me sounding like a harrier jet. Hoping that doesn’t happen this time around.
Here’s Frankieboy carrying a panload of suck with him.
And here’s G’rilla chasing me down. Unforgivable, really.
@frank
Sandbagger!
@G’phant
Corrected, sorry mate. Really must get around to automating these “name that time” rides. Rather simple, but everything takes time.
Oh, what the hell.
13:25
@frank
What’s the timing on donations? I might be moved to donate more if you put up an impressive time and you may or may not be moved to go faster — so can I wait till after we have results?
14:12. Marginal gains make all the (small) difference.
As 13.VV was already taken, I’ll go with 13:36, which is a V% improvement on last year. Sterkte!
Speaking of Dutch Monkeys, Frank what do you know about canal vaulting, from today’s NY Times?
@Nate
You can wait for a century and I’d still pass the donation on to the Hutch, but only those donations made by the time I sign in are going to be matched by the sponsors, so it would kind of defeat the purpose.
Besides, your scenario makes us both douchebags, I don’t think that’s the case.
@frank
But more seriously, do you take those steep corners sharp like those guys in the photos, or go wide and maintain momentum without so much drain on the V-bank?
I’d test it out myself, but it’s hard to do rolling backwards.