Single Gun Theory
Kids are assholes. Kids are also sensitive and vulnerable, and the two extremes are usually not found together in the one vessel. When you’re a kid, or more specifically a young teenager, being skinny (or conversely, overweight) can be somewhat testing for a developing brain. Processing jibes and deflecting taunts from meatheads and low-rent bullies brandishing such cerebral gems as ‘stick legs’ and ‘bones’ becomes a daily exercise in futility, eventually recognised for being exactly that once maturity takes hold (and school days disappear in the rear-view mirror), thereby flushing (some of) the human detritus from your life. Heck, I wasn’t even a Cyclist during my high school years (but I rode the shit out of bikes every day), which possibly saved me from more targeted and specific lines of insults which the only ‘real’ Cyclist at the school, Alan Masson, would regularly encounter. Even I thought he was a bit of a freak, his tall, lean frame and shaved pins standing out like dog’s balls among the squat, hairy, scarred stumps of the footy crowd as they hunted in packs for their seemingly weaker victims. Little did they really know the skinny freaks would have the last laugh.
Even after joining the strange sub-culture on two wheels, acceptance didn’t come easily. Not from anyone else, but from myself. I was among fellow skinny-legged freaks, a collective of popping veins and nobbly knees, yet pulling on a thin layer of black and pink Lycra (the choices were limited and largely fluoro in the early 90s) still didn’t seem like the best way to fade into the background or go about my business quietly. Luckily, as I was exclusively a mountain biker then, the advent of baggy shorts saved the day not just for me, but every dirt rider who wasn’t an XC racer. The pins were becoming more toned by now, and shaving came onto my radar when I bought my first proper road bike shortly after. That’s when I noticed what I thought made me even more of a freak; my left leg seemed to be bigger than the right. At least, more toned.
One-legged pedalling drills followed, in an attempt to even things up. Calf raises, leg extensions, squats, whatever I did would only serve to keep things uneven, while still barely increasing musculature in both legs. I decided to check out other Cyclists for the same affliction. (Now, to be clear, this is not a massive discrepancy that has small children crying and running away.) I was heartened to find that Single Gun Theory wasn’t just a great Australian 90s electronic/trip hop outfit, but a common occurrence in a good number of Cyclists. Similar to some tennis players having a more developed racquet arm, and golfers an over-developed belief that what they do is ‘sport’, most of us will favour one side of our body for undertaking most common tasks, sometimes alternating different sides for varied exercises. My right arm is stronger and bigger than my left, yet the left gun is the boss downstairs. And I can’t explain it.
It could be any number of physical things that causes SGT, but I’m not too worried, as long as both guns fire, whether one’s an AK47 and the other a starter pistol, it matters not. If the worst that can happen is singing Zappa songs when I’m riding, I’ll take it.
“One of my legs is shorter than the other
‘N’ both my feet’s too long
‘Course now right along with ’em
I got no natural rhythm.”
Chris Hoy (C), Rene Enders (L) and Mickael Bourgain all have a touch of SGT.
Zappa! He knew how to bike. Well played sir.
Wow. What a post. Who doesn’t like to look down and see some veins on the guns?
I inherited noticeably different size calves from me da. It makes no difference on the bike as I don’t think calves do much in cycling, except look awesome.
This is keeping a smile on my face for the rest of the day.
Great post! Veins a poppin’ = point of pride. I get a few on the calves every once in a while when its hot and I’m fit. Fortunately SGT is not one of my numerous afflictions.
Brett,
Right vs left guns and lousy high school experiences aside, I just wish I could write anywhere near as well as you! Your analogies are perfect! Thanks for the great post.
@DeKerr
@Brett
I usually try to quietly keep on my Velominati posts while avoiding actual work, but I lost it on that line and everyone around new what I was doing.
@Gianni
This is true… unfortunately, I don’t look remotely awesome.
Symmetry is predictable. Asymmetry is fascinating.
I’m the same as you Brett – right side dominant up top/left side dominant down below. I recently discovered one legged pedaling drills and quickly learned that my right leg was an imbecile incapable of pedaling a smooth circle without inelegantly clunking here and there and everywhere. I’d always assumed that it was the right leg that was in charge down there but now I know better – my right leg is an idiot.
Also now that I read this article I can confirm that I’ve always seen better muscle definition on the left leg as well.
@DeKerr
Me also, and they use miniature clown cars to get from one place to another, on grass no less.
Wanna know why it crosses over at the waist? Think of the way you would jump up to reach something, if you’re right handed you’ll likely be taking off on your left leg, swinging both your right leg & arm up to generate more upwards momentum.
Been there and done that in the tennis career, Right side dominant, looked like a before and after shot of Popeye sadly.
Also right side dominant on the bike. LLCC ( left leg concentration camp ) hasn’t helped either.
Just got to remember to stand right side towards mirror or watch the shop windows from across the road, not those closest to me.
@brett
” Processing jibes and deflecting taunts from meatheads and low-rent bullies brandishing such cerebral gems as ‘stick legs’ and ‘bones’ becomes a daily exercise in futility ”
Know this feeling all too well, only now am I realising, some 40 years later, that its a blessing in disguise, but earlier years where tuff
SGT? Same goes for women’s breasts… just saying.
@Barracuda
My second favourite tennis player of the 70s/80s was renown for a massive left arm and a useless right…
Unrelated (sorta) but funny. It seems you’ve got some roos in your homeland who may have this issue too, though with their puny arms.
http://www.bbc.com/news/science-environment-33169547
@brett
Who is the first favorite ?
@brett
FYI – Mats Wilander for the win
@Barracuda
Borg was my favourite, loved his coolness and temperament, although I was more McEnroe in my own on-court persona. Wilander was a favourite later on, loved the big topspin groundstrokers.
@Puffy
Oh how I had to resist that analogy!
@Mikael Liddy
Yeah. My Chiropractor explained it to me some years ago. You tend to me more dextrous on one side but stronger on the other. So if you kick a ball right footed that is your most dextrous leg but you plant the stronger left leg to have a stable platform. Hence if you pull on a rope tug-o-war style you would plant and pull against the left leg and the right is mainly balancing you.
I ruptured my right Achilles in 2011 and in the short period I was in plaster and immobile was stunned by how quickly my calf atrophied. It still is a fair bit smaller than my left and I doubt I’ll ever get it back to where it was – but age may be part of the reason I can’t build it back up so easily.
A very prescient post. I’ve noticed that my right and left legs are quite different. The muscle on the outside of the left leg is much more prominent than on the right, but I don’t know if this is because the muscle down the middle of the thigh is less developed on my left. I intend to ask my physio on Thursday!
I’ve been having some niggly pains on the bike (knee pain seemingly caused by a tight lower back on my left side, and linked to an old hamstring injury on my left), the cause and effect of which is still quite muddy. All I know is my knees hurt more when I’m not on my bike than when I’m riding -so I’m riding as much as I can!
@Dave from VA
Well thank you, Dave!
@brett
Glad this has become a tennis thread. I played in high school and college (the 70s) and then for a little bit more into the 80s (team tennis/tournaments). Borg was far and away the coolest of cool. But McEnroe was my favorite. Although a rightie, I patterned my style of play after him, i.e., serve-and-volley, angles, touch shots. Even played with the same racquet: Dunlop 200G.
@Barracuda
Point of order, while golf is not really physical exercise (I can drink beer while playing and not get kicked out), it does fit at least my definition of sport: objective scoring and governed by clear rules. Some subjectivity is always allowed for things like “did the ball hit the cart path” or “is my club at the bottom of the lake after I threw it” but it’s generally objective.
By the same logic, something like figure skating is not sport. It is definitely athletic, and takes a lot of skill, but the whole decision of who wins and loses is entirely subjective.
Also by the same logic, it’s why I don’t like time bonuses in stage races. Just finish with the lowest time and don’t fuck around with tactically losing.
All about genes, for sure. My lower right leg is bigger than my left leg, since I had a pretty good break from sports and it grew back thicker. Other than that, good upper Guns, chicken-like lower guns. A lifetime of sports and my calves are smaller than my VMHs. Oh well.
And genes can suck to for body shape. Some guys are hopelessly skinny, while others are hopelessly stout. Oh well.
Wanna talk about kids being assholes? A group of teenagers were massing on the sidelines of our soccer pitch last week. We range in age from 25-73 and have played on this field, which is part of a private university, for years. Half of our players are faculty/employees. Kids kept encroaching, no amount of “stay the hell off the field” was working. One of my mates, who is quite tall and in great shape from soccer/surfing/being a carpenter approached them and put an arm around a kid, trying to gently escort him off the field. This teenager said, “Don’t touch me, you fucking fag.”
Good god. I was tough and aggressive as a kid, but also had an older brother who taught me about fucking with more powerful people. I would never, ever have told a significantly bigger stranger to fuck off, or called him a name. My friend, who is a gentle soul, simply told the fucking jerk, “I’m quite comfortable in my sexuality, thanks.”
The only bad thing is that at some point in the near future that punk is going to say something like that to someone who doesn’t take kindly to teenagers acting tough. And really get worked over.
Oh, and while I played a lot of sports growing up, I was never a bully. I guess it was because I was also in accelerated classes, so could be considered a nerd as well. Most of the bullies I knew growing up topped out at about 18-20 years of age and I’m sure are now regretting a lot of what they did.
@chuckp
Nice, same timeline as me. Golden years. Those wooden racquets are like vintage steel bikes, they look so cool. I must’ve broken half a dozen at least though, they tend not to bounce very well. And aluminium ones would bend, my Prince Pros (yep, we’d have two racquets because that was Pro) were more square than round and one had a corner on the top of the frame from bashing it onto the ground.
My last racquets were the Spalding GC-20, one of the first graphite/carbon frames. It was a whole new world of lateral stiffness and vertical compliance. They might still be at my parents’ place, and pretty sure at least one has a cracked frame.
@Ron
That’s quite the story. I think you’re right, one of these days that kid (or one of his pals) will say that to the wrong guy and instantly regret it. I also suspect there were a lot more of you than there were of them.
@brett
I went through all sorts of racquets when I played. Can’t even remember them all. I remember my Head Comp composite (the one Arthur Ashe played with) and my Yonex 8600 aluminum (Tony Roche). Yamaha YFG30 fiberglass. The last wood racquet I played was the Snauwaert Vitas Gerulaitis.
I had three racquets and a huge bag filled with all my gear. My Dunlop 200G was the last racquet I played with as a competitive/tournament tennis player. But when I decided I just wanted to bang balls around on a court in mid-life, I got a Head Flexpoint racquet (which is now old by modern racquet technology standards) because I knew I would need all the help I could get. Simply amazing how racquet technology has advanced over the years (decades).
@Ron
Is that really a bad thing? It’s quite simply a loss of respect which has risen through bad parenting and an overrun of political correctness. Plain and simple. EG: how many parents serve food to the kids first at parties (any time actually) because it “get’s them out of the way”? What does that teach them? Only one thing and that is kids come before adults. At the cycle club xmas party they did this (I held mine back) and by the time the first adults were coming to the head of queue kids were pushing in for seconds. No one said anything to them, and one lady even helped one find food!! I ended up standing at the buffet telling any kids coming up “you’ve eaten, some adults have not. You can wait”. They all did without argument but I was waiting for a parent to take me to task over it.
Ask a teacher how many times had they disciplined a kid, who then went home and lied to mummy about it. Next day mummy comes to school with the kid and abuses the teacher for holding johnny to a standard. What does that teach the kid??
When I was at school, if I disrespected a teacher I would get a flogging. Now, if you disrespect a teacher you get nothing. Even if the teacher wanted to do something – the school typically doesn’t back them up in my experience.
How many times have you slagged off at police in front of your kids? Do you now expect your kids to respect the police? How about politicians?
Anyway – I’d better get off my soap box…
Folks, just to be clear on golf, I love the game. Its a great sport. No doubt. 30 lbs ago I was single digit hc and winning local tourneys. Its a whole different ball game from cycling for sure. There is no suffering involved. Make no mistake about that. But there is a dedication necessary to achieve success. And from that perspective it is a sport I suppose. I really dig the opportunity to play at super cool courses no different than I wanna ride my bike on great roads. I have far more luck finding business opportunities available playing golf than I do riding bikes that’s for sure. BTW: so USAC is wanting to focus on “doping” in amateur and masters cycling with their 2016 initiative and license surcharge for testing? Guaranteed it’s nothing compared to similar circumstances in golf. Oh, and more to the point, I have one foot bigger than the other, does that count? cheers all
@wilburrox
>>> no suffering involved <<< except when Tiger won 08 US Open at Torrey Pines with a broken leg. No, no chance anyone rubbed any special cream or whatev on his leg at that time ??? Still, it was an incredible performance. There was a time also when Ken Venturi won a US Open back in ’64 that is considered an ex of considerable suffering. I’m not gonna suggest it amounts to what competitors deal with in a grand tour. But it’s a big deal amongst golfers.
@Brendan O’Donoghue
Agree about asymmetry. Slight imperfections seem to help my brain assess the overall form (see Cindy Crawford’s mole).
And Brett, that first paragraph is so .. sharp. I hope it took you a month to write, because it’s so beautifully written.
@Ron
Or worse, perhaps the punk will develop mental capacity to regret their statements. Regret is more painful than a beating.
@tedder
Ha! If only I had a month to write an article! I’m afraid most of my stuff is written in a last-minute freakout and usually without any tangible direction. I’m always amazed when someone likes it…
@Puffy
No, you’d better keep them coming, I hear ya!
When I saw that picture of the 3 pairs of mortars standing next to each other, I was thinking that pic must have been taken from weightlifters. However, I checked their names and found a French article about that very picture, which features the epic sentence: Le keirin, sprint en peloton de six coureurs, est une affaire de “grosses cuisses” or “The keirin, sprint squad of six riders, is a matter of “big thighs”. Now all we need to do is ask Google Translate to convert the French word “cuisses” into “guns” as from now on.
@KogaLover
they’re not cyclists, they’re bodybuilders who occasionally ride a bike
@KogaLover
I think Sir Chris Hoy might disagree with you on that point.
@wilburrox
No suffering involved?!?!?!?!? You’ve ripped a drive down the middle. 150 yards left to the pin. You pick up a 7 iron, your trusty 7 iron. You visualise the shot you’re about to play, no wind. And shank it, a grub shot, 30 yards right into rough.
No suffering?!?!?
@davidlhill
That’s not suffering. That’s just incompetence.
@brett
You shouldn’t be amazed, you consistently write great pieces here and for Spoke. You’re a Writer.
@KogaLover
Are you serious?
@Oli
Is this site ever? Spoiler: Rule #43
@davidlhill
It’s at that stage that my trusty seven iron wings its way over the shrubbery of the next hole whilst I unashamedly yell expletives at the sky !
@KogaLover
:blush:
@Barracuda
Folk who are good at golf miss out on the observing the natural history of the local flora and fauna surrounding a golf course. Also what is the point in a game where you strive to get better so that you play less of it?
@RobSandy
Of course it is! The suffering comes from believing you’ve set yourself up correctly, holding the club as you did the previous shot, you repeat what you think is the exact same swing and yet the result as far from the same.
No suffering indeed……..
@Teocalli
That is so, so true. I usually get home with *more* golf balls than I started with due to my, um, less than straight trajectories which allows for much examining of the flora.
@davidlhill
Mental suffering yes. Physical suffering. No.
I’m just being argumentative, don’t mind me.