Book Release: Events and New Rules

The Prophet hands down the New V-Estament
The Prophet hands down the New V-Estament

The Rules lie at the beginning of The Path, not the end. In pursuit of La Vie Velominatus, we know of no end to the Path; each of us journey through an endless evolution of understanding and reverence. As such, The Word continues to be handed down from high upon Mount Velominis and The Rules continue to be expanded upon. Today we present you with two new Rules, in addition to the announcement of the first two Rules Book Signing Events.

The Rules will be released in the United States on May 5, known as Die Congnoscentus or V.V in old Velomiskrit. In support of its impending launch, we’re very excited to announce the first of our book signing events. The first will be in New York City’s flagship store on Saturday, May 3rd; the second will be held in Rapha’s store in San Francisco on Saturday, May 10. Both events will start with a ride leaving the Rapha store at 8:30am, returning around 2:30pm. The signing will take place in the respective Rapha store starting at 3:00pm. See the respective event pages for the NY Rapha Event and the SFO Rapha Event.

We took the opportunity to correct some issues and improve the quality of the photographs with respect to the UK version that came out last June. That’s not to say we fixed all the errors and didn’t introduce new ones; as long as I’m involved in any project you can be sure there will be problems. But in addition to being refreshed, we also gave the Prologue a facelift and Greg LeMond – the only American Tour de France winner – graciously wrote the Foreword. The US Release also contains four Rules which were not included in the UK release; two of them appeared on the site as they were divined, but the other two were reserved for the release of the book.

Rule #94 // Use the correct tool for the job, and use the tool correctly.
Bicycle maintenance is an art; tools are designed to serve specific purposes, and it is essential that the Velominatus learns to use each tool properly when working on their loyal machine.

For anyone who has ever tried to do something as simple as cut a brake cable or install a headset, this one doesn’t really need much explanation. Without the proper tools, you will certainly massacre the part and likely deface the bicycle itself. At worst, you will cause irreparable harm. The tools and learning to use them is as much a part of La Vie Velominatus as riding itself.

Rule #95 // Never lift your bike over your head.
Under no circumstances is it acceptable to raise one’s machine above your head. The only exception is when placing it onto a car’s roof-rack.

None of the Keepers understand why people are lifting their bikes over their heads. A road bicycle is meant to leave the ground as much as a Cyclist is meant to walk. It is an unholy thing and this behavior must come to a stop immediately.

For a full explanation on the origins and justification of these Rules, I suppose you will have to consult the latest release of the book or join us in New York or San Francisco.

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78 Replies to “Book Release: Events and New Rules”

  1. Re: Rule #95, agree, but just as I have been known to take the brunt of the collision in order to spare my machine in a crash (infrequent though it may be), so shall it be hoisted above me at the risk of drowning in case of flooding.

  2. Rule #94 would have helped me in college when I spent an hour trying to remove a tire with a screwdriver. I’ve since learned of the existence of tire levers.

  3. Rule #95 infractions always look to me like someone saying ‘Look at me! I have a bike made of carbon fibre!  See how light it is?  Yay!’

    In a word: lame.

    @Ccos: The flooding exception seems fair!

  4. Re: Rule #95: I postulate that a road bicycle is also permitted to leave the road when bunny hopping over road furniture at full speed to take the best line through a roundabout (obviously this exception only applies during an event).

  5. @Ccos

    so shall it be hoisted above me at the risk of drowning in case of flooding

    That is a reasonable exception. Better the water should leak into your nostrils than your bottom bracket bearings. 

  6. Learned the hard way that removing pedals without using the proper length lever will take a great deal of force to break free — and also learned to put the chain up on the big ring. I now have an accurate 0.5 inch scare gauge (gauge not gouge) on my hand.

    Thankfully another chainring (clean) was already mounted when it jabbed 2 teeth into my palm.

  7. @G’rilla

    Rule #94 would have helped me in college when I spent an hour trying to remove a tire with a screwdriver. I’ve since learned of the existence of tire levers.

    You were using a Phillips weren’t you?

  8. Looking forward to getting a copy. Glad to see LeMelvis is on board too. For one thing, it shows he has a sense of humor! I just can’t imagine another (well-known) American cyclist penning the intro.

  9. Also, if you are violating Rule #95, then you have too much upper body strength, and clearly aren’t riding your bike enough to begin with. Hill repeats as penance until you can recite “Hail Merckx, full of grace…” without your wasp inhaling getting in the way.

  10. As an aircraft mechanic I can really appreciate Rule #94. That said, some times you need to get creative/fabricate custom tools. Like when I used a C clamp and some wood to install a press fit BB. But now that I have 2 bikes that require pressing in BBs, I think its time to get the proper tool.

    Don’t use the knife on a leatherman to take a Shimano chain apart. Some of you know what I’m talking about.

  11. Let’s not forget that Rule #94 extends to the bike itself, and is the chief driver behind the N+1 equation. At least that’s how I’m trying to justify buying a rain bike.

  12. @G’rilla

    Rule #94 would have helped me in college when I spent an hour trying to remove a tire with a screwdriver. I’ve since learned of the existence of tire levers.

    Would’ve saved me an awful lot of trouble when I tried to use my car keys in an emergency – with the result being that both means of transportation were rendered useless.

  13. @unversio

    @G’rilla

    Rule #94 would have helped me in college when I spent an hour trying to remove a tire with a screwdriver. I’ve since learned of the existence of tire levers.

    You were using a Phillips weren’t you?

    Never work on your bike while drinking.  This is a screwdriver…..

    and this is a tyre lever

  14. “This (hiccup) is a screwdrivuuur… and this… (hiccup) tyrelevuuur… … … okaaay!”

  15. @G’rilla

    Rule #94 would have helped me in college when I spent an hour trying to remove a tire with a screwdriver. I’ve since learned of the existence of tire levers.

    Sad to say that I also did this when installing new tires on my first true road bike. Bonkers. Know I’m able to install tires on my of my rims without anything more than my hands.

  16. @seemunkee

    Ain’t nothin’ new about #94. Mr. Natural been saying that ages

    Keep on truckin! I don’t know why Mr Natural has not shown up more on these pages? Oh, wait was he talking about tools for… Forget it. Peace, out.

    @Frank,  what’s the route for the NYC ride?  GW Bridge and up to the Runcible Spoon Bakery in Nyack, NY which is a stunning and hilly ride of about 80km I think?

  17. @G’rilla

    Rule #94 would have helped me in college when I spent an hour trying to remove a tire with a screwdriver. I’ve since learned of the existence of tire levers.

    Sad to say that I also did this when installing new tires on my first true road bike. Bonkers. Now I’m able to install tires on most of my rims without anything more than my hands.

    I swore that I’d have to sell my soul to the devil the first time I tried to mount 23 mm tires on a road rim.

  18. All hail the rules! Read this on another site the other day.  Some people just don’t get it:

    I liked the Velominati rules because they were so blatantly over the top and tongue in cheek, but what I hated were all the people who took them too seriously. It was like talking to a person who thinks Stephen Colbert is actually a right wing pundit and not a characterization of one for entertainment. 

  19. @Rob god I hope so. the Rapha store is in the meat packing district, so very close to the waste land we call New Jersey.

  20. @RedRanger

    @Rob god I hope so. the Rapha store is in the meat packing district, so very close to the waste land we call New Jersey.

    and riding up the west side hgwy would be really nice.

  21. @Ron

    @G’rilla

    Rule #94 would have helped me in college when I spent an hour trying to remove a tire with a screwdriver. I’ve since learned of the existence of tire levers.

    Sad to say that I also did this when installing new tires on my first true road bike. Bonkers. Now I’m able to install tires on most of my rims without anything more than my hands.

    I swore that I’d have to sell my soul to the devil the first time I tried to mount 23 mm tires on a road rim.

    One time I flatted on a midnight commute and a cop pulled over for safety or somesuch.  It took me like 5 minutes to stretch the tire back on and I felt like an idiot while he just stood there and watched.

  22. @Pedale.Forchetta

    @Gianni I’ll be in NYC few days, but unfortunately I’ll be back in Italy the 30th of April… too bad.

    Yes, that is too bad. That would have been much fun to see you in NYC. Enjoy your time in New York without us.

  23. I’m really confused at the moment. I have in my possession a copy of The Rules, first American Edition 2014, in hardback…yet you say that it’s release date is V.V. How can this be? Was there a colossal foul-up at my particular book store…or was it perhaps divine intervention that the prophet bestowed I should be able to find a copy 2 weeks early?

  24. As this thread is likely to attract the attention of our many Velomericans it seems a good place to ask… is anyone in Los Angeles?

    I have most of a day to kill there in June (Friday the 13th as it happens). Attending a conference at a hotel in Beverly Hills which finishes Thurs afternoon but I have to wait until Friday afternoon for a flight so I’m looking for something to do, possibly involving bicycles.

    Alternatively I’m open to any other suggestions about what to do, not being particularly inclined to give a shit about celebrities, film-stars and so on.

    I did look to see if there was a baseball game but the Dodgers are on the road on Thursday unfortunately. And so far no porn studios have responded to my emails.

  25. All Hail Rule #94!! As a lifelong member of the Brotherhood of the Wrench I have seen many,many acts of tomfoolery enacted upon poor unsuspecting bicycles by people having no idea how to properly wield tools.

    If you don’t know how to fix it..IT’S OKAY..we are happy to fix it for you!

  26. @Stephen

    I’m really confused at the moment. I have in my possession a copy of The Rules, first American Edition 2014, in hardback…yet you say that it’s release date is V.V. How can this be? Was there a colossal foul-up at my particular book store…or was it perhaps divine intervention that The Prophet bestowed I should be able to find a copy 2 weeks early?

    Mother jumper! How is it you have a copy before I do? This did happen in England too; book shops seemed to have the book well before the British release date and they sold them also.

  27. @RedRanger

    @Gianni there is a certain online vendor that has it for sale right now also.

    That would be too easy. Better to fly from Hawaii to NYC (and back) in hopes the publisher slips me a free one.

  28. @Nate

    @ChrisO non bike: go to the Getty Museum.

    Mmm, yes that looks good, thanks for the tip.

    I figured Friday wouldn’t be the ideal day to join a group ride anyway, apart from the issues of getting hold of a bike.

  29. Ah come on, who hasn’t wrapped one side of a chain around a broom handle, the other round the cassette, wedged broom handle in door frame, held wheel tight and braced with feet against door frame…

    Yeah OK I bought a chain-whip shortly after.

  30. Chapeau, chaps on US publication date.  First edition was a cracking book, and sounds like this will carry on where that left off.  
    Love the V. V publication date… Day after Star Wars Day (May the Fourth be with you – boom).
    Celebrity book signings; link ups with Rapha cafés on both coasts; foreword from Greg LeMond: where did it all go so wrong?

  31. Celebrity book signings; link ups with Rapha cafes on both coasts; foreword by Greg Lemond… where did it all go so wrong?

    Chapeau, chaps on your US publication.  UK first edition was a cracking read, and am sure this will carry on from where that left off.

    Love the publication date of V. V… although dangerously close to Star Wars Day (May the Fourth be with you… boom).

  32. Congrats Keepers on the US book launch. Any chance Toronto might be on your whirlwind tour? We have hills, gravel and good micro-brews too!

  33. @eenies

    Rule #95! FFS, shirley you can give an exception for bike storage applications?

    I think this is in the same spirit of the exception for placing your bike on a roof rack.

  34. @ChrisO

    As this thread is likely to attract the attention of our many Velomericans it seems a good place to ask… is anyone in Los Angeles?

    I have most of a day to kill there in June (Friday the 13th as it happens). Attending a conference at a hotel in Beverly Hills which finishes Thurs afternoon but I have to wait until Friday afternoon for a flight so I’m looking for something to do, possibly involving bicycles.

    Alternatively I’m open to any other suggestions about what to do, not being particularly inclined to give a shit about celebrities, film-stars and so on.

    I did look to see if there was a baseball game but the Dodgers are on the road on Thursday unfortunately. And so far no porn studios have responded to my emails.

    Baseball?! It’s the only sport slower and more boring than cricket…

    Good luck with the adult “acting” though, that sounds a bit more exciting for ya. Plus, it could offer years and years of slowly burning memories.

  35. Recently found that a Dremel and a cut-off wheel are the best tool for trimming cables and housings.  No crimping, stray metal, or un-square housing ends and no fraying of the cable.  like buttah.

  36. @VeloVita

    @eenies

    Rule #95! FFS, shirley you can give an exception for bike storage applications?

    I think this is in the same spirit of the exception for placing your bike on a roof rack.

    @eenies Also, the masturbation principle seems to apply here. Whatever you do in that dark little room in your basement…we don’t want to know about it!

  37. @Roadslave525

    Chapeau, chaps on US publication date. First edition was a cracking book, and sounds like this will carry on where that left off.
    Love The V. V publication date… Day after Star Wars Day (May the Fourth be with you – boom).
    Celebrity book signings; link ups with Rapha cafés on both coasts; foreword from Greg LeMond: where did it all go so wrong?

    Cinco de Mayo!

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