La Vie Velominatus: Survive On V

La Vie Velominatus: Survive On V

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It’s a beautiful, yet cruel sport, this. It punishes you for being lazy, for being unfit, but it also punishes you when you are at the top of your game. And as for Europe, well it’s sending out all kinds of mixed messages when it comes to cycling. Everyone rides, and a good number of them do it while smoking. If it’s good enough for them…

…It’s not good enough for me. I returned from Keepers Tour with a little smoking habit, one that has been an on again/off again affair over the years; mostly off I must say, but every now and then I like to partake in a puff (usually if someone else is smoking close by, and I’m drunk). With my bike stuck in Lille and me wandering around for a week or so after the trip ended, boredom set in and smoking seemed to help relieve it, five minutes at a stinking, coughing time.

As always, the inanity of the whole procedure quickly became apparent, and after returning to New Zealand with three weeks of no riding the ol’ airbags were in need of a good clean out. The usual dread of the first ride back was there, but so were the reserves of V. Luckily it was a solo ride, as the amount of hacking and spitting would’ve put even the most grizzled of sailors off. The bike acted like a chimney sweep for my lungs.

It was a great ride. Short, yes; slow, for sure; flat, you betcha. But it was a ride, and I survived. On V. It’s become my new motto. When you think your fitness is non-existent, when you make excuses not to ride or shy away from harder routes, just remember that you’ve got The V in reserve, deep down, even if dormant. It’s always in you. It will see you through those dark days and rise to the top when needed most. Shit, it’s inscribed right there on the leg of your bibs. Look down, drink it in, breathe it in if there’s room amongst the carcinogens, and use it.

No excuses. Survive on V.

Vive la vie Velominatus.

// La Vie Velominatus

  1. Smoking hot cyclist? I think she’s pretty awesome…

  2. @niksch
    That’s a triathelete FFS! Not a cyclist!

  3. @il ciclista medio

    @niksch
    That’s a triathelete FFS! Not a cyclist!

    What’s your point?

  4. @frank

    @the Engine

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i7YBaiJMnik

    That’s it. Someone posted a Bob Newart video. We’ve officially jumped the shark. Site coming down tomorrow unless someone posts up some pictures of something awesome right now. Let me repeat: AWESOME.

    Cheers.

    Here ya go:

  5. @brett

    @frank
    It is! If I want to smoke, I smoke… if I want to stop, I stop. I will smoke again I’m sure, but I’ll never be ‘a smoker’.

    Self delusion wears a pretty dress don’t she? What horseshit. You’ll be the fittest guy on the cancer ward, that’s for sure.

  6. Cunego Sagan descent How rad does it look at the bottom when they get into the village?

    What’s Bob Newhart?

  7. @il ciclista medio
    Touche’. Here’s one of Liz looking casually deliberate…right before she rips your legs off.

  8. @minion

    Cunego Sagan descent How rad does it look at the bottom when they get into the village?

    Can he go? Yes he fucking well can! That’s some way to go about taking over the leader’s jersey in any race.

  9. @minion also they’re some pretty significant sized hills Millions & Billions got over to take the stage win, if he can learn to do that on a larger/more consistent scale he’ll be some sort of stage race rider in years to come.

  10. @Mikael Liddy
    From Memory doesn’t a Schleck attempt a breakaway on the climb and get dropped like a redheaded child? That may be in the preceding video, but the timing seems apt.

  11. And I recommend folks who complain about Cunego’s perceived shortcomings to watch that video. Even if he wont’ win a grand tour with Lampre he’s a fricken awesome rider.

  12. @niksch
    but I do digress, smokin’ hot is an appropriate description.

  13. @minion not quite, Andy was in the lead group pacing Fuglsang up and having done that he goes back (getting blown away by Canhego with the afterburners on) & helps Frank’s group to back within about 30s at the top of the climb.

    I assume they were soft pedalling a little because Birdsong (actual translation of Jakob’s name) was the leader at the race.

  14. @frank

    @the Engine

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i7YBaiJMnik

    That’s it. Someone posted a Bob Newart video. We’ve officially jumped the shark. Site coming down tomorrow unless someone posts up some pictures of something awesome right now. Let me repeat: AWESOME.

    Cheers.

    a real low point in this site’s history, un jour sans, bit like this guy…

    and speaking of the 1987 tour, those were the days when they really knew what Rule #9 meant

  15. @Chris

    @frank

    @the Engine

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i7YBaiJMnik

    That’s it. Someone posted a Bob Newart video. We’ve officially jumped the shark. Site coming down tomorrow unless someone posts up some pictures of something awesome right now. Let me repeat: AWESOME.

    Cheers.

    a real low point in this site’s history, un jour sans, bit like this guy…

    and speaking of the 1987 tour, those were the days when they really knew what Rule #9 meant

    Well someone had to prove that whatever you might think the limits are there’s always room to go lower – and (in my defence) it was about smoking

  16. @niksch
    Holy smoldering (keeping in the spirit of the post!)

  17. @scaler911

    @frank

    @the Engine

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i7YBaiJMnik

    That’s it. Someone posted a Bob Newart video. We’ve officially jumped the shark. Site coming down tomorrow unless someone posts up some pictures of something awesome right now. Let me repeat: AWESOME.

    Cheers.

    Here ya go:

    This must truely prove repentance.

    Awesome!

  18. @niksch

    Smoking hot cyclist? I think she’s pretty awesome…

    I my sweet Lord, is she for real?? Like that girl out of the Species movies – beware boys, all may not be what it seems

    On a more medical note….

  19. @Dr C
    That photo does bring to mind some questions that really shouldn’t be asked in an open forum!

  20. Indeed, it is a harsh message, but it is true

    Regarding the girl on the bike, I have studied this for some half an hour until I am quite out of breath, and I cannot for the life of me see any rules violations – chapeau to her – I shall probably come back later and take another Rules check just in case – certainly the first time I have thought triathlons maybe have something to offer

  21. @niksch
    That photo is of Jessi Stensland. Former pro triathlete. I met her back in the day. Total party girl, and a lot of fun to hang out with. Hot too!

  22. @brett
    Smoking + Cyclist = Hippie

    @frank

    @sgt
    BEST. CYCLING. PHOTO. EVER.

    Are you fucking serious?

  23. @Dr C
    An understandable reaction. I have conducted further research into Cyclist 2 and have determined that she is one Liz Hatch. Given your condition brought on by Cyclist (triathlete) 1, I recommend you do not repeat this research unless you have a full resuscitation team on standby.

  24. @niksch

    Smoking hot cyclist? I think she’s pretty awesome…

    That’s Jessi Stensland.

  25. Nice post Brett. We salute you.
    “V” …. it doesn’t come in a can

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