Climbing Weight
When it comes to weight and body dysmorphia, we cyclists can go toe-to-toe with any thirteen year old tween who has done their time flipping through the pages of Vogue and Sixteen. However fit and thin we might be, at some point it dawns on us that we’re not as light as we could be. The obvious solution is to buy lighter parts for our bikes, but eventually we will run out of parts to buy or money to spend. At that point, we’ll have no alternative but to start losing weight.
On the surface, this is a fairly simple matter; calories in minus calories out is the magic to any weight loss voodoo, right up to the point where it stops working because the “calories in” part deviates from our lifestyle or our metabolism decides we’re old and that since everything else is slowing down, it should too.
It is at this juncture that we ask ourselves how we can lose those kilos that seem unwilling to melt from our bodies. The answer varies depending on your lifestyle, body type, how loud your Awesome is, and your ideal riding weight. (By the way, similarly to the number of bikes to own, your ideal riding weight is one kilo less than your current weight, or weight ideal = weight current – 1). But assuming that you enjoy eating, alcohol, or anything else that doesn’t suck, it will require doing something drastic.
My journey through weight loss started with doing everything the same but riding more until that program stalled, and then I started doing sit-ups and leg lifts, both of which meet the aforementioned suck requirement. And then I cut back on beer and wine, which sucks even more, but that’s when things really started happening. A surprising side-effect of cutting down on booze, by the way, is that although you get less charismatic, you feel better in general and sleep better in addition to losing weight. It turns out that alcohol is a poison or something. Who knew?
But now that my V-Jersey isn’t stretched like a balloon on a pumpkin, I’ve moved on to worrying about my upper body, which is bigger than a typical cyclist’s thanks to 15 or so years of nordic ski racing. Which brings me to Ullrich’s sleeves. I have always had it in my mind that Jan and I are of similar physique, aside from the quads and calves and the devilishly good looks. But my stupid sleeves are always tight, and his were always loose. I take off my jersey, and sure enough, there’s that little mark that the sleeves made on each of my arms. Infuriating. The only solution is to focus completely on wasting my upper body into nothing.
Since I’m not doing anything outrageous like routinely lifting weighty objects or doing pushups, the only conclusion I can draw is that I’m carrying too many groceries into the house at once. I’ve therefor moved to a strict regimen of only carrying one gallon of milk at a time. It takes twice as long to unload the car that way, but all that walking is good for my cardio, you just have to push through the pain. I also alternate hands every few strides if I’ve parked more than a hundred meters from the house in order to avoid becoming lopsided.
Finally, if this latest program doesn’t work out as well as I expect it to, I’ve also realized that while carbohydrates are an athlete’s friend in terms of providing easy energy to burn during a workout, they are heavy on the fork, and repetitively lifting forkloads of pasta into my mouth may be what’s causing my shoulders to bulk up unnecessarily. I’m therefor on the lookout for a healthy food source that can be drank from a straw or something in pellet form that I can peck out of a bowl.
It’s drastic, sure, but drastic times call for drastic measures, and I’m determined to get there eventually.
@Steampunk
It’s funny, I think everyone who comment on your picture should have to put up some of their own for “inspection”.
I eat well for my weight
Der Kaiser might be carrying some flab, but did he just win another 3 Tours?
And well done to Zulle, Kloedi, Basso and Beloki on their maiden Tour victories.
@Marcus That’s funny! But,hey it’s true! I poke fun at Jan and his…er, puffiness, but he’s an all time favorite and now a 4x tour winner.
@graham d.m. it actually wont happen at all. UCI and ASO will just ignore USADA when it comes to the record. Just like Bjarne Riis’ victory, Lance’s will still remain. Which is the way it should be.
Interesting that Lance’s language has changed. Rather than deny doping, he just speaks about “playing (winning) by their rules”…
I still admire him.
@Marcus I’m sure you’re right. Doping or not, his victories are still amazing. Do you take this as admission of guilt or just facing the fact that the USADA is going to dog him no matter what?
@graham d.m. no admission of guilt. And he avoids having to go down that track (including us hearing the tawdry evidence) by going this way.
Will be interesting to see whether USADA release/leak their evidence anyway. If the (presumed) testimony from riders like Hincapie and Vaughters comes out it will be pretty damaging anyway – at least to Armstrong in the broader community.
@Marcus “I think” that Armstrong pull a Boone (Animal House) during the proceedings.
@Marcus I take all these things to be of little consequence any longer, at least in the sense that to the average person his guilt is now presumed. I guess I just watch it in a soap opera sort of way, in this sense I sort of will miss getting the tawdry and backroom dealings. More than anything I’d like see the evidence and hear the testimonies, but this is owed mostly to me be nosy and curious. Ultimately,I don’t take such a hardline stance on doping. If winning at cycling was so easy all the dopers would be champions. I guess there is just alot to the story LA doesn’t want shared. If one was a fan, they could say by trying to limit the damaging info, he is trying to protect the longterm health of his charity work with Livestrong (this route is for the optimists).
@unversio that’s pretty brilliant!
Thinking about it more, I reckon UCI should just release a statement saying something like “we continue to recognize Armstrong’s wins. He has been subjected to an investigation far beyond the scope of that applied to any other cyclist. We acknowledge that cycling has had its problems with drugs and Armstrong’s victories occurred during a very difficult phase of the sport… blah blah.
This would actually suggest that its likely every other fvcker wa”s on it too so if they all copped the same level of scrutiny we are all farked. So without casting aspersions on individuals, lets leave it as is… But they would never be that ballsy.
They can’t award to Tours to others – if they decide not to give Jan his wins, then they need to give one to Vino, etc etc.
Or maybe they just go down the list until we find Aussies – maybe Robbie and Stuey. Because I know my own kind never doped. Just like Tyler was innocent because he was so nice.
Lance should pull an Otter during the USADA proceedings.
An Otter!
@mcsqueak
I’m here in photos should you care to dig around.
@Marcus
I’m not sure they’ll have to leak anything. As COTHO2 has decided to go to arbitration, a lot of the testimony will be made public anyway.
@unversio very good. How i love that film. However Lance and US Postal are probably more Omega guys (Lance a combo of Greg Marmalard and Doug Nedermeyer) than Delta guys.
Interestingly, Nedermeyer was killed by his own troops in Vietnam. Lance has been done over by his (albeit unwillingly).
@Marcus Well then, if Lance will just wear a Red Plaid Sports Jacket. That would be enough.
@Marcus
Wholeheartedly agree, there’s no way any of the others can be legitimately listed as the winners of those tours…
BUT the only problem with this situation is that it relies on the UCI to take a sensible course of action, something they’ve continuously shown that they’re unable to do when Pharmstrong is involved.
@Marcus
Hell, Lance should just go with an all out Bluto in the end
It’ll probably happen when the head of the UCI changes though – I can see a clean broom CEO dealing with the issue in about 6-7 years when people give less of a fuck, and it’s had a few more years to unwind, slowly and painfully for the sport.
Fuck Pat.
One last bit to add from DEVO — Worried Man Song!
@Marcus
It’s not surprising really the course of action COTHO’s taken. It allows him to retain his carefully cultivated plausible deniabilty and claim Martyr. Cunt.
I’m glad that Bruyneel is going to arbitration. At least some of the evidence will get aired. The list of allegations and stories written about Lance over the years as listed on Cyclingnews today with regard to his activities is illuminating. There’s a surplus of smoking guns there.
@mouse
I am guessing that in the absence of evidence putting Bruyneel directly in the doping gun, “plausible deniability” will most likely be his defence, ie. “I could not know what my riders were doing every second of the day – I was planning strategy, etc. in the lobby. How was I to know they were shooting up in another hotel room?” That is a plausible deniability defence.
My understanding of the proposed evidence is that there is no way Lance could “plausibly deny” anything – because there is first hand evidence from his teammates of his doping. Plausible deniability is only available when there is a just “circumstantial evidence”… If Lance could successfully plausibly deny it, he would presumably be in there swinging – because that would effectively exonerate him.
All together now (with apologies to Tony Orlando and Dawn)…
Just hang your yellow wristbands on that old oak tree
It’s taken eighteen years
But they’ve finally got me
Now I’m giving yellow wristbands away for free
I’m on my arse
But can I ask:
“Why put the blame on me?”
It’s Johan should be hanging from that old oak tree
@minion
Yeah there was an article on Cyclismas (a serious one at that) a few weeks ago looking in to the real players involved behind the scenes on this (i.e. Verbruggen) and how while they’re attached to the power structures nothing will really change.
I was looking at one analysis of riders not involved in doping scandals, busts or admissions in the last 15 years – if you strip out riders regardless of timing (assuming they were doping all along) then the seven titles go to:
Daniele Nardello (1999, 2000)
Andre Kivilev (2001)
Jose Azavedo (2002, 2004)
Haimar Zubeldia (2003)
Cadel Evans (2005)
Plus Carlos Sastre gets three second places, and Sandy Casar made the podium in 2004. Chapeau.
Slightly dubious that Azavedo and Zubeldia get the jnod given their long involvement with Armstrong and Bruyneel,. but I guess that’s just one of life’s little ironies.
@Marcus
I use Scottish beaver pelts at home that I have to tear off our local beaver populations with my trusty flint utility tool. I can change them in to Australian Clams at the local trading post. I know not of these US dollars of which you speak.
Was having a conversation elsewhere and wondered if the guys who came second might have a claim against COTHO for loss of earnings?
i dont eat much, i dont eat snacks, dont drink beer/wine, train 6 days a week, but still cant get rid of the last KG that i want off…i weight 73Kg, height 1,83m…i have this constant voice in my head telling me that my ideal climbing weight is around 70kg…last 3 kg are hard to shed
well, had the same problem es well several years ago: for almost a year I could do everything and nothing happened with my weight. then I was thinking not just about the “how many” (sport & food) but also about the “when”. maybe that can help!?
but in my opinion weight reduction is a very personal thing: what went well for me, does not mean it will work your you and other way around.
crossing the fingers you will make the final 3kg!
After a quick survey of a few blogs, the scales seem to have fallen away from some of the writers that have had to write impartially about Pharmy, and unfortunately the non cycling media have the bit between their teeth on this one. Unfortunately the blog that I agree with most draws a pretty long bow, which indicates to me my grip on sanity is slipping. Still, at least its a relatively well written;
http://www.cyclismas.com/2012/08/its-not-about-the-jerseys/
and also good (but much too sane for me to really dig)
http://www.guardian.co.uk/sport/blog/2012/aug/24/how-lance-armstrong-strongarmed-cycling
@hassan hajj
Do some power testing to see how your weight relates to your output. You’re an inch taller than me and 10kg lighter already. I am a massive fucking blimp but the lightest I could get to (admittedly our builds could be very different) is around 74kg in my very early 20s. If your body is stubborn about losing that last bit of weight, there’s a chance you’ll do yourself a disservice, since you’re probably well out of the area of easy weight loss.
http://www.analyticcycling.com/ForcesPower_Page.html
@graham d.m.
And 4 times the size ;)
@minion i was discussing the fact that armstrong is propbably going to have his tour titles taken away with a non cycling colleage this morning. He thought about it for a while then said, ‘oh well, he still got to fuck Sheryl Crow, they’ll never take that away from him…’
I do feel sorry for all the cancer sufferers that were sucked in by the Armstrong story / livestrong stuff (some friends included). There are going to be a lot people waking up to the fact that their inspiration is a massive fraud.
@motor city
Don’t forget one of the Olsen Twins too. Mind you, that might not really be something to put on one’s resume.
@motor city Hold on, inspiration is inspiration – if he inspired someone they can’t be dis-inspired retrospectively! If his inspiration got someone through cancer or hardship – and I’m betting it has once or twice – then he was of some inspirational value no matter what happened subsequently. Even if he was a doper he still did some great things off the back of that which aren’t changed by his later downfall.
@Oli I sincerely hope you’re right and I can’t argue with all the good stuff that he’s done.
A friend who beat cancer gave me his book (not about the bike) because she knew I rode and she had been inspired by it. I read it and I did enjoy it for what it is. Maybe he’ll come up in conversation next time i see her, I certainly won’t raise the subject myself.
@Marcus
This is pretty much how I see it. USADA/WADA can single out a guy and make an example, but for the result to be that all the others profit from it, it just makes the risk worth it. Dope all you want, just don’t become too dominant, or we’ll take it all away.
@climbing weight I struggle with this one. There is nothing fantastic looking about a wafer thin schleck. I agree with others that the Boonen look is probably the ideal. Not that I get there at all with my 79kg/183cm frame. It sounds reasonable, but the lack of upper body definition coupled with the bulging midsection, make it a bit less of an ideal reality. Gonna be a long winter of kettlebell hell. I’m convinced 2-3kg is all I need to shed, coupled with some massive shuffling of BMI makeup.
Steampunk – Ha, hipster soul-destroyer! That’s awesome. Been a lot of bike ridin’ fixsters around my parts this summer. Dance festival at the uni brought them in. A question though – isn’t a hipster by definition soulless?
As for this whole upper body thing, I don’t mind not being built like Twiggo. Years of sports and lifting gave me a non-cyclist build. Since I’ve become a cyclist my body has definitely changed, lost a lot of the bulk, but I actually got pissed at how skinny I was getting. Been using a lone dumbbell I found while riding my bike and a homemade kettle ball (see: bowling ball from Sal’s Army + eyelet screws + chain) for a few weeks, plus some abdominal work and I can’t believe how quickly my muscle mass has returned. Not looking to be a meathead, but also not looking to be built like Bertie. A happy medium – fast on the bike, but able to still help the VMH with garden work, etc.
A buddy of mine actually claimed his impressive (upper) guns are the result of hauling his 2 year old around.
Jeez, the VMH actually heard about COTHO on the radio and called me. Hadn’t even heard. Huge fucking mess for sure.
@henrik
A-Merckx, brother.
@everyone quoting bmi’s and ideal weight calculations:
All these charts ignore the power of the V. I’ve been dropped by fatter guys than me, and I’ve dropped fitter guys than me going uphill.
Bottom line: if you lose one more kilo and lay down just as much V, you’ll go faster. That is all.
@imakecircles
Spot the fuck on. Those Buddhists are on to it.
@Steampunk
Capris are pants that never got the Rule #5 talk. Pick a lane: shorts or pants!
@wiscot
I have to say that neither of those would be notches in my gun stock that I’d brag about…or want to remember.
@Mikael Liddy
Into the Lexicon with that one, mate. Charismatically Poisoned.
In the words of the prophet:
As much as I hated Pharmy, I think looking back at his era, we have little reason to believe he was doing anything different than his competition. They were all juiced, and he was the most focussed and determined rider of his generation.
To see him get dragged down like this seems more than pointless (they’ll have to go down to 15th place to find a rider who hasn’t been implicated) – it seem vindictive.
On the other hand, the rules are the rules and just because you’re famous doesn’t make you immune to them.
@Oli
I agree with the sentiment, though from what I’ve understood (don’t have the articles to cite on hand), his foundation is really quite ineffective when it comes to cancer research – they are based on awareness, and I think we got the “awareness” bit a while ago: we got the message – cancer is an asshole. But his story has inspired many, that’s for certain and that can’t be taken away from anyone. I just hope cancer patients continue to have hope and continue to want to fight like he did.
@minion
Wow, that article actually made me laugh. Its not necessarily wrong, but I think your assessment that this is an indication of your sanity is not far off.
The cold war made us hungry for Lance to save us? Puh-lease.
@frank
That is awesome! Yeah, completely sitting on the fence. Hmm, where do knickers fit into the equation? Pretty nice in certain situation, though now that I have Kneekers I’ve been using those all the time. Mild “winter” here in NC last year.
Oh, and I realize my above statement was pretty crass. As if those women give two hoots about me. A nice way of putting it would have been that I don’t find them particularly attractive. Others might, that’s cool. I just don’t dig Crow or Olsen. Sorry about that, no need to make it a men’s club.
And Frank, VERY true about weight/bmi/etc. More than once I’ve been at the limit trying to stay with a guy thinking to myself, “What in the heck? He’s fat! He has a gut?!” Kind of like a “ride what you got” – if you’re a bigger person but can still motor, cool. If you’re skinny but still have a sprint in ya, nice! Don’t overthink it, just ride, eat well, rest, repeat.
Surely the USADA cannot remove Lance from Dodgeball?! I am sure skanky blood and EPO had nothing to do with his performance in that film and for me that was one of his finest moments!
@frank
Correct. This was reported a recent article in Outside Magazine. Basically Livestrong now funds very few–if any–research initiatives, choosing to focus their efforts and dollars on support initiates for patients and awareness campaigns.
Been quietly sitting and watching the whole Armstrong / USADA / UCI situation wondering where it will all take our sport. Nowhere very nice anyway. I have to post something somewhere, not that it”ll make me feel better. For all his perceived faults Armstrong was who inspired me off my solitary MTB onto the road and to train to race at the ripe old age of 37. Always got a kicking but enjoyed the experience. How we love to topple those on a pedestal, the UK does not have the monopoly on that. Where does it stop, how far back do we go to rewrite the almanacs? Lance was a product of his era, allegedly 500 tests and if ‘they’ could have caught him they would have. If he found that holy grail there is no pro cyclist of his time who would not have grabbed it with both hands and never looked back. In my opinion ‘Chapeau! Now let’s move on. Cycling needs to stop looking for the self destruct button and look forward to the truly clean riders we have racing now.
Not forgetting the original thread, 181cm, 70kg, ok climber, rubbish TT but rarely wear arm warmers because the ones that grip are never long enough. Stay off the cheese, beer and chocolate and they weight stays manageable I find.
Lance’s socks and shorts were the wrong length – so like James Bond outing the assassin because he had red wine with chicken we knew there was something of the cad about the fellow.