Riding Ugly: The Spider

Too low and too short. Photo: Montreal Gazette
Too low and too short. Photo: Montreal Gazette

There are lots of things to like about Vroomie Froomie, like his willingness to accept the fact that people are inclined to question his performances. Aside from me resenting him for leading a Tour which everyday becomes a little less exciting, he seems quite a likable guy; he is polite, respectful of the sport, wears team-issue bibs with his yellow jersey, his bike is only subtly yellow’d out, and he hasn’t publicly called anyone a c*nt that I’m aware of. That last point alone represents a refreshing change from last year.

When KRX10 and I worked together during the Dot-Bomb, we used to keep a miniature bike in our office, which we would use to do 6-corner time-trials around the office floor. I’m assuming someone must have made videos of those races and that they must have gone viral in Kenya, because it appears Froome modeled his position after ours on those tiny bikes.

I haven’t seen anyone ride in a position like his since Sean Kelly, except Sean always Looked Fantastic. His saddle is too low, his reach is too short, his back is too hunched, and his heels and elbows are pointed out like he’s trying to stomp on a Smurf. And, from the looks of his shoes, it appears he has been successful. I would very much appreciate it if he would sort himself out and attain a more pleasant position on the bike. I don’t care that he can make it go like a nutter; it’s an affront to my sense of aesthetics to see him hunched up like a spider humping a lightbulb.

And everyone knows that Science has proven spiders to be icky on account of having too many appendages.

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191 Replies to “Riding Ugly: The Spider”

  1. @Deakus

    @DerHoggz

    @frank

    @Xyverz

    Aside from the unnecessarily long shorts, yes.

    Which reminds me, he also has Toad Head. That’s a clear violation of the Three-Point System.

    As long as we’re on the subject, Movistar’s Bug Eyed Sprite Adidas shades are deplorable. Can’t anyone besides Oakley make a good-look pair of shades?

    I’m disappointed that Froome lost the Jawbones this year.

    There is also an issue on the jersey where the yellow version does not have sleeves as long as the usualy Rapha version….this is leading to Rule #7 infractions all over the shop. Can someone have a word with him please?

    Don’t agree Movistar looking good, those helmets lol.

  2. “Like a praying mantis on a coathanger” is how one of the Eurosport guys described him!

  3. I could care less how ugly a bike or a rider’s style is perceived. As long as it gets the job done, that’s what matter. A win is a win no matter how it looks.

    -Dinan

  4. @Dinan

    I could care less how ugly a bike or a rider’s style is perceived. As long as it gets the job done, that’s what matter. A win is a win no matter how it looks.

    -Dinan

    I appreciate the sentiment, but no, you are incorrect.

  5. @meursault

    @Dinan

    I could care less how ugly a bike or a rider’s style is perceived. As long as it gets the job done, that’s what matter. A win is a win no matter how it looks.

    -Dinan

    I appreciate the sentiment, but no, you are incorrect.

    We are all welcome to our own opinion. I wouldn’t, however, blatantly tell you you’re wrong. That’s kind of dickish.

    Let me know if you’re ever around Asheville and we can discuss it out on the road…..

    -Dinan

  6. @Dinan

    I believe his tongue was planted firmly in cheek.

    And, he’s right – you are wrong. Style is what 95% of what we’re talking about. Winning is one thing; winning with class and panache is a whole level above it.

    The Prophet wouldn’t have been The Prophet were it not for his combination of winning, panache, class, and style.

  7. @DerHoggz

    I’m disappointed that Froome lost the Jawbones this year.

    Speaking from my own experience, I like my Jawbones in cooler weather, but I find them very hot and almost stifling in the heat due to the way they wrap around top and bottom. When its hot, I’ll ride my Radars, when its cooler, I’m all over the Jawbones.

    Love how they look, though.

  8. @frank

    @DerHoggz

    I’m disappointed that Froome lost the Jawbones this year.

    Speaking from my own experience, I like my Jawbones in cooler weather, but I find them very hot and almost stifling in the heat due to the way they wrap around top and bottom. When its hot, I’ll ride my Radars, when its cooler, I’m all over the Jawbones.

    Love how they look, though.

    I think it all depends on who is wearing them.  Hincapie looked ok in them – Froome looked like Lord Voldemort on holiday.

  9. @Dinan

    I could care less how ugly a bike or a rider’s style is perceived. As long as it gets the job done, that’s what matter. A win is a win no matter how it looks.

    -Dinan

    We’ll refer to those hearty riders as Quasimodo(s). He did triumph!

  10. @Pedale.Forchetta Your right, there is always scope for improvement but even if I did have your aptitude for it,  I don’t really have the time to invest in it.

    I’m struggling a bit finding a balance between contrast, overexposure and underexposure at the moment and I’m not sure that I’ve got to grips with the WB settings. Either that or the camera was not one of my best ebay acquisitions.

    It was all so much easier when I was kid and B&W in a manual was the only option.

  11. There are two reasons Michel Pollentier got kicked off the tour while winning the maillot jaune in 1978, he failed a drug test (or rather his crappy plastic tube/condom and bulb apparatus filled with someone else’s piss was discovered) and he looked like shite on a bike.

    Evidence: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xpu9Q_FDKFI  Notice, in contrast, how smooth Hinault is.

    OR Robert Alban at 2:37 minutes in here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JO6CE4EhrwA

    Alban has an excuse – he’s all lanky. Pollentier was a midget.

  12. @frank

    if I remember correctly he’s wearing them again today in Tour Yellow instead of his usual virgin white. Is it possible Oakley did not have them on hand?

  13. @Buck Rogers

    @Chris

    @Buck Rogers

    Ahhhh, my cycling news live ticker has died and I cannot seem to get any live stream to open here at work! Painful!

    Everybody who is nobody* are out in the break with about a 10 minute lead. They are not being pursued with any great urgency by the peloton. It is likely to remain that way.

    *Schleck Jr wasn’t informed that he now a nobody and missed the break. He is likely to be dropped at some point.

    Thanks! Cycling News ticker is working again. I had to resort to VeloSnooze’s ticker for a while and I swear that they mentioned the COTHO four times and had a video on during the 30 minutes that I watched on their website. They’re worse than Auntie Phil and Uncle Paul. What the FUCK is it with them and their Lance-love? Jesus, made me remember why I quit going to their site about two years ago.

    A while back Jeff in Petro Metro mentioned that he knew a staffer at Velo, who told him it’s an editorial requirement to mention LA in every second breath. Take that as you will, second hand and old quotes etc…

  14. @frank

    @Dinan

    I believe his tongue was planted firmly in cheek.

    And, he’s right – you are wrong. Style is what 95% of what we’re talking about. Winning is one thing; winning with class and panache is a whole level above it.

    The Prophet wouldn’t have been The Prophet were it not for his combination of winning, panache, class, and style.

    You’re right, Frank, style IS what we are talking about. Simple because I care about function and dismiss style doesn’t mean I’m missing the point of the discussion. I’m participating but on the other side of it. I could care less about how things look and base my interest on how said thing performs.

    I’m sure lots of people on this site have a great sense of style and have their kit and bike matched perfectly. I also bet they are shit riders that talk more than they pedal. Again, to each his own.

    I just don’t think telling someone they’re wrong because he has differing point of view on subject is very gentlemanly. Sadly, that’s a part of the internet. Everyone is tough and right hidden behind anonymity and a keyboard….

    -Dinan

  15. @Dinan

    You’re right, Frank, style IS what we are talking about. Simple because I care about function and dismiss style doesn’t mean I’m missing the point of the discussion.

    Maybe, but you obviously miss the point of this website and more specifically exactly what a Velominatist is.

    Eg: Go onto a Womans righs forum and espuse a chauvinistic point of view. You are completely within your rights to do so, but you’re gonna get flamed for it!

  16. @Puffy

    @Dinan

    You’re right, Frank, style IS what we are talking about. Simple because I care about function and dismiss style doesn’t mean I’m missing the point of the discussion.

    Maybe, but you obviously miss the point of this website and more specifically exactly what a Velominatist is.

    Eg: Go onto a Womans righs forum and espuse a chauvinistic point of view. You are completely within your rights to do so, but you’re gonna get flamed for it!

    I think you’re the one that’s missing the point, Puffy. I shared my opinion and was blatantly told I was wrong. I found that in bad taste and said so. Plain and simple. You’re taking it and making it something else entirely.

    Perhaps you’re right though. Given how much time is spent on appearance on this site, I might be better off with discussions that are more technical in nature elsewhere.

    -Dinan

  17. Jesus, did everyone give up alcohol at the same time around here?  Have a drink, laugh a bit, and don’t get so worked up with your “invisible friends”.  There’s bound to be awesome stuff to talk about tomorrow on the ITT!  I need a bourbon personally.

  18. @Dinan

    @Buck Rogers

    Jesus, did everyone give up alcohol at the same time around here? Have a drink, laugh a bit, and don’t get so worked up with your “invisible friends”. There’s bound to be awesome stuff to talk about tomorrow on the ITT! I need a bourbon personally.

    Did you just give me a green light?

  19. @Buck Rogers

    Jesus, did everyone give up alcohol at the same time around here? Have a drink, laugh a bit, and don’t get so worked up with your “invisible friends”. There’s bound to be awesome stuff to talk about tomorrow on the ITT! I need a bourbon personally.

    Seriously.

    @Dinan

    Mate, you’re a good guy but @meursault was teasing you in the vein that everyone here gets teased, and you’re taking it the wrong way. It was a lighthearted joke and you’re taking it way too seriously. No sweat. Have a drink if you drink, a hit if you smoke, or a wank if you’re a guy.

  20. @Marcus

    @Buck Rogers

    Jesus, did everyone give up alcohol at the same time around here? Have a drink, laugh a bit, and don’t get so worked up with your “invisible friends”. There’s bound to be awesome stuff to talk about tomorrow on the ITT! I need a bourbon personally.

    Did you just give me a green light?

    I assume that you interpret any action that doesn’t result in you having a gun pointed at you as getting a “green light”.

    And did you just seriously post an animal picture? I mean, at least its a dog, but I thought you’d be happy sticking to soft porn and skinny Danes.

    And before you get carried away, I said “Danes”, not “dames”.

  21. @Marcus

    @frank

    Reading between the lines, did you just ask for some soft porn with a Great Dane?

    Boobs man, big boobs time.  That’s what I heard.

  22. @Buck Rogers

    @Marcus

    @frank

    Reading between the lines, did you just ask for some soft porn with a Great Dane?

    Boobs man, big boobs time. That’s what I heard.

    Don’t start this again. We’ve been told off once.

    However,,,wasn’t Brigitte Neilsen from Denmark?

  23. @frank

    As long as we’re on the subject, Movistar’s Bug Eyed Sprite Adidas shades are deplorable. Can’t anyone besides Oakley make a good-look pair of shades?

    Sometimes, things that seem jarringly unaesthetic at first become curiously fascinating over time and then, finally evolve one’s aesthetic going forward. The Movistar shades are becoming so for me, although, admittedly, they like so many designs, look massive on tiny heads.

  24. @wiscot

    There are two reasons Michel Pollentier got kicked off the tour while winning the maillot jaune in 1978, he failed a drug test (or rather his crappy plastic tube/condom and bulb apparatus filled with someone else’s piss was discovered) and he looked like shite on a bike.

    Evidence: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xpu9Q_FDKFI Notice, in contrast, how smooth Hinault is.

    OR Robert Alban at 2:37 minutes in here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JO6CE4EhrwA

    Alban has an excuse – he’s all lanky. Pollentier was a midget.

    Speaking of Hinault, I often wish he’d stuffed Lemond and taken his sixth tour. Everything would have changed, everything. Hinault would be the Prophet. Well, no, but closer to, and he was fucking awesome enough to warrant consideration. Lemond wouldn’t have been shot, and might have won 7 Tours clean, and COTHO would have known that no amount of perfect doping would have sufficed to better this unassailable tally. He probably would have kept eating cycling shit sandwiches, the perfect fate for him.

    I say Lemond wouldn’t have been shot because losing to Hinault for the final time would have been akin to the butterfly’s wingbeat in Brazil. All history for him would have been altered. He wouldn’t have gone rabbit hunting because he’d have realized the degree of commitment necessary to truly be the best. He’d have turned himself into a cannibal badger to win, because the taste of betrayal, losing yet again despite the promise, would be something he could never again stomach.

    @Buck Rogers: bless you, good sir, for the open season you just declared on the beer fridge. My thought processes have already cleared significantly.

  25. I have to say that Froome went down a couple of notches in the V-Stakes with his post-stage comments about Bertie’s crash. Taking too many uncalculated risks? FFS, risk management isn’t risk elimination! If Froom thinks others are descending recklessly, perhaps he should do some bloody risk management of his own and come off of the wheel. Then he can attack without remorse when the inevitable happens. Seems he’s getting a little bit precious in yellow.

    And with that, I give you…

    Froolum

  26. @starclimber

    Speaking of Hinault, I often wish he’d stuffed Lemond and taken his sixth tour. Everything would have changed, everything. Hinault would be The Prophet. Well, no, but closer to, and he was fucking awesome enough to warrant consideration. Lemond wouldn’t have been shot, and might have won 7 Tours clean, and COTHO would have known that no amount of perfect doping would have sufficed to better this unassailable tally. He probably would have kept eating cycling shit sandwiches, the perfect fate for him.

    I say Lemond wouldn’t have been shot because losing to Hinault for the final time would have been akin to the butterfly’s wingbeat in Brazil. All history for him would have been altered. He wouldn’t have gone rabbit hunting because he’d have realized the degree of commitment necessary to truly be the best. He’d have turned himself into a cannibal badger to win, because the taste of betrayal, losing yet again despite the promise, would be something he could never again stomach.

    Wow.  This is counterfactual history at its best. Chapeau!

  27. @Marcus

    @Mikael Liddy teams supply their own yellow jerseys – just not the ones on the podium. That would be a Rapha jersey with Le Coq logo. Sleeves just appear rolled up.

    Nope.  Official Maillot Jaune has faux collar points this year.  Compare collar, zipper and sleeves (raglan vs. standard).

  28. @VeloVita

    @frank

    @DerHoggz

    I’m disappointed that Froome lost the Jawbones this year.

    Speaking from my own experience, I like my Jawbones in cooler weather, but I find them very hot and almost stifling in the heat due to the way they wrap around top and bottom. When its hot, I’ll ride my Radars, when its cooler, I’m all over the Jawbones.

    Love how they look, though.

    I think it all depends on who is wearing them. Hincapie looked ok in them – Froome looked like Lord Voldemort on holiday.

    That’s what I found interesting, he had an impish, devilish look between the glasses and his facial structure.  Good to see he finally got a nice yellow pair.  All of sky is wearing yellow frames now, which they did last year when Wiggo was in yellow as well.  Marketing: it works.

  29. @ten B

    I have to say that Froome went down a couple of notches in The V-Stakes with his post-stage comments about Bertie’s crash. Taking too many uncalculated risks? FFS, risk management isn’t risk elimination! If Froom thinks others are descending recklessly, perhaps he should do some bloody risk management of his own and come off of the wheel. Then he can attack without remorse when the inevitable happens. Seems he’s getting a little bit precious in yellow.

    And with that, I give you…

     

    Froolum

     

    I completely agree. If he falls off chasing Bertie, that is his problem, not Contador’s. Froomey should be riding conservatively on the descents with a 4 minute lead! He would be a total muppet to drop it on descent and hand the victory to Mollema.

    He may be leading the TdF by 4 minutes, but he has still not won a GT yet. So he can’t play the “Patron” card and start pushing others around. If anything, the other riders seem to look up to Bertie, who has so many GT wins in the bank that he can afford to give a few away!

  30. @ten B

    I have to say that Froome went down a couple of notches in The V-Stakes with his post-stage comments about Bertie’s crash. Taking too many uncalculated risks? FFS, risk management isn’t risk elimination! If Froom thinks others are descending recklessly, perhaps he should do some bloody risk management of his own and come off of the wheel. Then he can attack without remorse when the inevitable happens. Seems he’s getting a little bit precious in yellow.

    And with that, I give you…

    Froolum

    Spot fucking on. He’s starting to sound like a Schleck. Perhaps the one taking uncalculated risks is the guy with a five-minute buffer chasing down a rider at a point in a stage where he poses little danger to his lead.

  31. @Marcus

    @Mikael Liddy teams supply their own yellow jerseys – just not the ones on the podium. That would be a Rapha jersey with Le Coq logo. Sleeves just appear rolled up.

    I’ve never heard this, ever. In fact, I’ve heard the opposite, where if the race is close a rider will endeavor to stay OUT of the yellow jersey because the team skin suit is faster in a ITT. Allegedly, this was the case for Ryder at the Giro last year.

    Also, I know the Tour supplies jerseys in all sizes pre-screened and ready for use. Also, riders like Cunego have had to resort to pinning their jerseys to make them fit because the race doesn’t supply a small enough jersey.

  32. @frank I thought I was fucking sure that teams made at least some of their own leaders’ jerseys – I could be wrong but I am pretty sure the ASO didnt make this one, nor would they have made Rolland’s dotty knicks.

  33. @frank btw, your statement, if a race is close, they go slower to avoid a crap skinsuit so they can go faster? Puhleeze.

    That would kind of defeat the purpose wouldnt it?

  34. @Bespoke Agreed that the movistar specs are made worse by the tiny faces and hollow cheeks of a pro on the razors edge, on a giant fat face like mine they may look the business!

    Did someone mention bourbon? I’ll have a Four Roses, thanks very much

  35. The podium jerseys are supplied by the race organization and the appropriate team logos are ironed on just before the ceremony.  But those aren’t actually worn in the race; the kit sponsors usually make up the race wear.  For a favorite for the win, like Froome, Rapha had a good idea they would need some yellow kit.

  36. @Marcus

    @frank I thought I was fucking sure that teams made at least some of their own leaders’ jerseys – I could be wrong but I am pretty sure the ASO didnt make this one, nor would they have made Rolland’s dotty knicks.

    Not the knicks, but that’s also why in most cases the colors don’t match.

    And yes, by the time the riders go to the post-tour crits, which is where Ricky V is in that abomination, they are no longer supplying the jerseys.

    @Marcus

    @frank btw, your statement, if a race is close, they go slower to avoid a crap skinsuit so they can go faster? Puhleeze.

    That would kind of defeat the purpose wouldnt it?

    Vaughters made this claim, yes. Not so much “went slower” as were happy not to take the jersey in a dead heat for the chance to ride in their own kit.

  37. @DerHoggz

    @Marcus

    @Mikael Liddy teams supply their own yellow jerseys – just not the ones on the podium. That would be a Rapha jersey with Le Coq logo. Sleeves just appear rolled up.

    Nope. Official Maillot Jaune has faux collar points this year. Compare collar, zipper and sleeves (raglan vs. standard).

    Good evidence. Nicely done. I don’t even know why we’re having this discussion because obviously if Rapha made the jersey it would be exactly like his usual race jersey but yellow. Its an idiotic discussion, something we both excel and accel in.

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