The Rules

We are the Keepers of the Cog. In so being, we also maintain the sacred text wherein lie the simple truths of cycling etiquette known as The Rules. It is in our trust to maintain and endorse this list.

The Rules lie at the beginning of The Path to La Vie Velominatus, not at the end; learning to balance them against one another and to welcome them all into your life as a Velominatus is a never-ending struggle waged between form and function as we continue along The Path towards transcension.

See also The Prophet’s Prayer.

  1. // Obey The Rules.
  2. // Lead by example.It is forbidden for someone familiar with The Rules to knowingly assist another person to breach them.1
  3. // Guide the uninitiated.No matter how good you think your reason is to knowingly breach The Rules, it is never good enough.
  4. // It’s all about the bike. It is, absolutely, without question, unequivocally, about the bike. Anyone who says otherwise is obviously a twatwaffle.
  5. // Harden The Fuck Up. 2,20
  6. // Free your mind and your legs will follow.Your mind is your worst enemy. Do all your thinking before you start riding your bike.  Once the pedals start to turn, wrap yourself in the sensations of the ride – the smell of the air, the sound of the tires, the feeling of flight as the bicycle rolls over the road.
  7. // Tan lines should be cultivated and kept razor sharp.Under no circumstances should one be rolling up their sleeves or shorts in an effort to somehow diminish one’s tan lines. Sleeveless jerseys are under no circumstances to be employed.
  8. // Saddles, bars, and tires shall be carefully matched.3Valid options are:

    Match the saddle to the bars and the tires to black; or

    Match the bars to the color of the frame at the top of the head tube and the saddle to the color of the frame at the top of the seat tube and the tires to the color where they come closest to the frame; or

    Match the saddle and the bars to the frame decals; or

    Black, black, black

  9. // If you are out riding in bad weather, it means you are a badass. Period.Fair-weather riding is a luxury reserved for Sunday afternoons and wide boulevards. Those who ride in foul weather – be it cold, wet, or inordinately hot – are members of a special club of riders who, on the morning of a big ride, pull back the curtain to check the weather and, upon seeing rain falling from the skies, allow a wry smile to spread across their face. This is a rider who loves the work.
  10. // It never gets easier, you just go faster.As this famous quote by Greg LeMan tells us, training, climbing, and racing is hard. It stays hard. To put it another way, per Greg Henderson: “Training is like fighting with a gorilla. You don’t stop when you’re tired. You stop when the gorilla is tired.” Sur la Plaque, fucktards.4
  11. // Family does not come first. The bike does.Sean Kelly, being interviewed after the ’84 Amstel Gold Race, spots his wife leaning against his Citroën AX. He interrupts the interview to tell her to get off the paintwork, to which she shrugs, “In your life the car comes first, then the bike, then me.” Instinctively, he snaps back, “You got the order wrong. The bike comes first.”21
  12. // The correct number of bikes to own is n+1.While the minimum number of bikes one should own is three, the correct number is n+1, where n is the number of bikes currently owned. This equation may also be re-written as s-1, where s is the number of bikes owned that would result in separation from your partner.
  13. // If you draw race number 13, turn it upside down.Paradoxically, the same mind that holds such control over the body is also woefully fragile and prone to superstitious thought. It fills easily with doubt and is distracted by ancillary details. This is why the tape must always be perfect, the machine silent, the kit spotless. And, if you draw the unlucky Number 13, turn it upside down to counter-act its negative energy.
  14. // Shorts should be black.Team-issue shorts should be black, with the possible exception of side-panels, which may match the rest of the team kit.
  15. // Black shorts should also be worn with leader’s jerseys.Black shorts, or at least standard team-kit shorts, must be worn with Championship jerseys and race leadership jerseys. Don’t over-match your kit, or accept that you will look like a douche.
  16. // Respect the jersey.Championship and race leader jerseys must only be worn if you’ve won the championship or led the race.
  17. // Team kit is for members of the team.Wearing Pro team kit is also questionable if you’re not paid to wear it.  If you must fly the colors of Pro teams, all garments should match perfectly, i.e no Mapei jersey with Kelme shorts and Telekom socks.
  18. // Know what to wear. Don’t suffer kit confusion.No baggy shorts and jerseys while riding the road bike. No lycra when riding the mountain bike (unless racing XC). Skin suits only for cyclocross.
  19. // Introduce Yourself.If you deem it appropriate to join a group of riders who are not part of an open group ride and who are not your mates, it is customary and courteous to announce your presence. Introduce yourself and ask if you may join the group. If you have been passed by a group, wait for an invitation, introduce yourself, or let them go. The silent joiner is viewed as ill-mannered and Anti-V. Conversely, the joiner who can’t shut their cakehole is no better and should be dropped from the group at first opportunity.
  20. // There are only three remedies for pain.These are:

    If your quads start to burn, shift forward to use your hamstrings and calves, or

    If your calves or hamstrings start to burn, shift back to use your quads, or

    If you feel wimpy and weak, meditate on  Rule #5 and train more!

  21. // Cold weather gear is for cold weather.Knickers, vests, arm warmers, shoe covers, and caps beneath your helmet can all make you look like a hardman, when the weather warrants their use. If it isn’t wet or cold, save your Flandrian Best for Flemish weather.
  22. // Cycling caps are for cycling.Cycling caps can be worn under helmets, but never when not riding, no matter how hip you think you look. This will render one a douche, and should result in public berating or beating. The only time it is acceptable to wear a cycling cap is while directly engaged in cycling activities and while clad in cycling kit. This includes activities taking place prior to and immediately after the ride such as machine tuning and tire pumping.  Also included are cafe appearances for pre-ride espressi and post-ride pub appearances for body-refueling ales (provided said pub has sunny, outdoor patio – do not stray inside a pub wearing kit or risk being ceremoniously beaten by leather-clad biker chicks).   Under these conditions, having your cap skull-side tipped jauntily at a rakish angle is, one might say, de rigueur. All good things must be taken in measure, however, and as such it is critical that we let sanity and good taste prevail: as long as the first sip of the relevant caffeine or hop-based beverage is taken whilst beads of sweat, snow, or rain are still evident on one’s brow then it is legitimate for the cap to be worn. However, once all that remains in the cranial furrows is salt, it is then time to shower, throw on some suitable aprés-ride attire (a woollen Molteni Arcore training top circa ’73 comes to mind) and return to the bar, folded copy of pastel-coloured news publication in hand, ready for formal fluid replacement. It is also helpful if you are a Giant of the Road, as demonstrated here, rather than a giant douchebag. 5
  23. // Tuck only after reaching Escape Velocity.You may only employ the aerodynamic tuck after you have spun out your 53 x 11; the tuck is to be engaged only when your legs can no longer keep up. Your legs make you go fast, and trying to keep your fat ass out of the wind only serves to keep you from slowing down once you reach escape velocity. Thus, the tuck is only to be employed to prevent you slowing down when your legs have wrung the top end out of your block. Tucking prematurely while descending is the antithesis of Casually Deliberate. For more on riding fast downhill see Rule #64 and Rule #85.
  24. // Speeds and distances shall be referred to and measured in kilometers. This includes while discussing cycling in the workplace with your non-cycling coworkers, serving to further mystify our sport in the web of their Neanderthalic cognitive capabilities. As the confused expression spreads across their unibrowed faces, casually mention your shaved legs. All of cycling’s monuments are measured in the metric system and as such the English system is forbidden.
  25. // The bikes on top of your car should be worth more than the car. Or at least be relatively more expensive.  Basically, if you’re putting your Huffy on your Rolls, you’re in trouble, mister. Remember what Sean said.
  26. // Make your bike photogenic.When photographing your bike, gussy her up properly for the camera. Some parameters are firm: valve stems at 6 o’clock. Cranks never at 90 or 180 degrees. Others are at your discretion, though the accepted practices include putting the chain on the big dog, and no bidons in the cages.
  27. // Shorts and socks should be like Goldilocks.Not too long and not too short. (Disclaimer: despite Sean Yates’ horrible choice in shorts length, he is a quintessential hard man of cycling and is deeply admired by the Velominati. Whereas Armstrong’s short and sock lengths are just plain wrong.) No socks is a no-no, as are those ankle-length ones that should only be worn by female tennis players.
  28. // Socks can be any damn colour you like.White is old school cool. Black is cool too, but were given a bad image by a Texan whose were too long.  If you feel you must go colored, make sure they damn well match your kit. Tip: DeFeet Wool-E-Ators rule.
  29. // No European Posterior Man-Satchels.Saddle bags have no place on a road bike, and are only acceptable on mountain bikes in extreme cases.
  30. // No frame-mounted pumps.Either Co2 cannisters or mini-pumps should be carried in jersey pockets (See Rule #31). The only exception to this rule is to mount a Silca brand frame pump in the rear triangle of the frame, with the rear wheel skewer as the pump mount nob, as demonstrated by members of the 7-Eleven and Ariostea pro cycling teams. As such, a frame pump mounted upside-down and along the left (skewer lever side) seat stay is both old skool and Euro and thus acceptable. We restate at this time that said pump may under no circumstances be a Zefal and must be made by Silca. Said Silca pump must be fitted with a Campagnolo head. It is acceptable to gaffer-tape a mini-pump to your frame when no C02 cannisters are available and your pockets are full of spare kit and energy gels. However, the rider should expect to be stopped and questioned and may be required to empty pockets to prove there is no room in them for the pump.
  31. // Spare tubes, multi-tools and repair kits should be stored in jersey pockets.If absolutely necessary, in a converted bidon in a cage on bike. Or, use one of these.
  32. // Humps are for camels: no hydration packs.Hydration packs are never to be seen on a road rider’s body. No argument will be entered into on this. For MTB, they are cool.
  33. // Shave your guns.Legs are to be carefully shaved at all times. If, for some reason, your legs are to be left hairy, make sure you can dish out plenty of hurt to shaved riders, or be considered a hippie douche on your way to a Critical Mass. Whether you use a straight razor or a Bowie knife, use Baxter to keep them smooth.
  34. // Mountain bike shoes and pedals have their place.On a mountain bike.
  35. // No visors on the road.Road helmets can be worn on mountain bikes, but never the other way around. If you want shade, see Rule #22.
  36. // Eyewear shall be cycling specific.No Aviator shades, blueblockers, or clip-on covers for eye glasses.
  37. // The arms of the eyewear shall always be placed over the helmet straps.No exceptions. This is for various reasons that may or may not matter; it’s just the way it is.
  38. // Don’t Play Leap Frog.Train Properly: if you get passed by someone, it is nothing personal, just accept that on the day/effort/ride they were stronger than you. If you can’t deal, work harder. But don’t go playing leap frog to get in front only to be taken over again (multiple times) because you can’t keep up the pace. Especially don’t do this just because the person overtaking you is a woman. Seriously. Get over it.
  39. // Never ride without your eyewear.You should not make a habit of riding without eyewear, although approved extenuating circumstances include fog, overheating, and lighting condition. When not worn over the eyes, they should be neatly tucked into the vents of your helmet.  If they don’t fit, buy a new helmet. In the meantime you can wear them backwards on the back of your head or carefully tuck them into your jersey pocket, making sure not to scratch them on your tools (see item 31).
  40. // Tires are to be mounted with the label centered over the valve stem.Pro mechanics do it because it makes it easier to find the valve. You do this because that’s the way pro mechanics do it. This will save you precious seconds while your fat ass sits on the roadside fumbling with your CO2 after a flat. It also looks better for photo opportunities. Note: This obviously only applies to clinchers as tubulars don’t give you a choice.
  41. // Quick-release levers are to be carefully positioned.Quick release angle on the front skewer shall be an upward angle which tightens just aft of the fork and the rear quick release shall tighten at an angle that bisects angle between the seat and chain stays. It is acceptable, however, to have the rear quick release tighten upward, just aft of the seat stay, when the construction of the frame or its dropouts will not allow the preferred positioning. For Time Trial bikes only, quick releases may be in the horizontal position facing towards the rear of the bike. This is for maximum aero effect.9
  42. // A bike race shall never be preceded with a swim and/or followed by a run.If it’s preceded with a swim and/or followed by a run, it is not called a bike race, it is called duathlon or a triathlon. Neither of which is a bike race. Also keep in mind that one should only swim in order to prevent drowning, and should only run if being chased. And even then, one should only run fast enough to prevent capture.
  43. // Don’t be a jackass.But if you absolutely must be a jackass, be a funny jackass. Always remember, we’re all brothers and sisters on the road.
  44. // Position matters.In order to find the V-Locus, a rider’s handlebars on their road bike must always be lower than their saddle. The only exception to this is if you’re revolutionizing the sport, in which case you must also be prepared to break the World Hour Record. The minimum allowable tolerance is 4cm; there is no maximum, but people may berate you if they feel you have them too low.
  45. // Slam your stem.A maximum stack height of 2cm is allowed below the stem and a single 5mm spacer must always – always – be stacked above. A “slammed down” stack height is preferable; meaning that the stem is positioned directly on the top race of the headset.
  46. // Keep your bars level.Handlebars will be mounted parallel to the ground or angled slightly upward. While they may never be pointed down at all, they may be angled up slightly; allowed handlebar tilt is to be between 180 and 175 degrees with respect to the level road. The brake levers will preferably be mounted such that the end of the brake lever is even with the bottom of the bar.  Modern bars, however, dictate that this may not always be possible, so tolerances are permitted within reason. Brake hoods should not approach anything near 45 degrees, as some riders with poor taste have been insisting on doing.
  47. // Drink Tripels, don’t ride triples.Cycling and beer are so intertwined we may never understand the full relationship. Beer is a recovery drink, an elixir for post-ride trash talking and a just plain excellent thing to pour down the neck. We train to drink so don’t fool around. Drink quality beer from real breweries. If it is brewed with rice instead of malted barley or requires a lime, you are off the path. Know your bittering units like you know your gear length. Life is short, don’t waste it on piss beer.
  48. // Saddles must be level and pushed back.The seating area of a saddle is to be visually level, with the base measurement made using a spirit level. Based on subtleties of saddle design and requirements of comfort, the saddle may then be pitched slightly forward or backward to reach a position that offers stability, power, and comfort. If the tilt of the saddle exceeds two degrees, you need to go get one of those saddles with springs and a thick gel pad because you are obviously a big pussy. The midpoint of the saddle as measured from tip to tail shall fall well behind and may not be positioned forward of the line made by extending the seat tube through the top of the saddle. (Also see Rule #44.)
  49. // Keep the rubber side down.It is completely unacceptable to intentionally turn one’s steed upside down for any reason under any circumstances. Besides the risk of scratching the saddle, levers and stem, it is unprofessional and a disgrace to your loyal steed. The risk of the bike falling over is increased, wheel removal/replacement is made more difficult and your bidons will leak. The only reason a bicycle should ever be in an upside down position is during mid-rotation while crashing. This Rule also applies to upside down saddle-mount roof bars.23
  50. // Facial hair is to be carefully regulated.No full beards, no moustaches. Goatees are permitted only if your name starts with “Marco” and ends with “Pantani”, or if your head is intentionally or unintentionally bald. One may never shave on the morning of an important race, as it saps your virility, and you need that to kick ass.
  51. // Livestrong wristbands are cockrings for your arms.While we hate cancer, isn’t it better to just donate some money and not have to advertise the fact for the next five years? You may as well get “tryhard wanker” tattooed on your forehead. Or you may well be a bogan.
  52. // Drink in Moderation.Bidons are to be small in size. 500-610ml maximum, no extra large vessels are to be seen on one’s machine. Two cages can be mounted, but only one bidon on rides under two hours is to be employed. Said solo bidon must be placed in the downtube cage only. You may only ride with a bidon in the rear cage if you have a front bidon, or you just handed your front bidon to a fan at the roadside and you are too busy crushing everyone to move it forward until you take your next drink. Bidons should match each other and preferably your bike and/or kit. The obvious exception is the classic Coca-Cola bidon which by default matches any bike and/or kit due to its heritage. Coca-Cola should only be consumed flat and near the end of a long ride or all-day solo breakaway on the roads of France.
  53. // Keep your kit clean and new.As a courtesy to those around you, your kit should always be freshly laundered, and, under no circumstances should the crackal region of your shorts be worn out or see-through.
  54. // No aerobars on road bikes.Aerobars or other clip-on attachments are under no circumstances to be employed on your road bike. The only exception to this is if you are competing in a mountain timetrial.
  55. // Earn your turns.If you are riding down a mountain, you must first have ridden up the mountain. It is forbidden to employ powered transportation simply for the cheap thrill of descending. The only exception to this is if you are doing intervals on Alpe d’Huez or the Plan de Corones and you park your car up top before doing 20 repeats of the climb.
  56. // Espresso or macchiato only.When wearing cycling kit and enjoying a pre or post ride coffee, it is only appropriate to drink espresso or macchiato. If the word soy/skim latte is heard to be used by a member wearing cycling apparel, then that person must be ceremonially beaten with Co2 canisters or mini pumps by others within the community.6
  57. // No stickers.Nobody gives a shit what causes you support, what war you’re against, what gear you buy, or what year you rode RAGBRAI.  See Rule #5 and ride your bike. Decals, on the other hand, are not only permissible, but extremely Pro.
  58. // Support your local bike shop.Never buy bikes, parts or accessories online. Going into your local shop, asking myriad inane questions, tying up the staff’s time, then going online to buy is akin to sleeping with your best friend’s wife, then having a beer with him after. If you do purchase parts online, be prepared to mount and maintain them yourself. If you enter a shop with parts you have bought online and expect them to fit them, be prepared to be told to see your online seller for fitting and warranty help.
  59. // Hold your line.Ride predictably, and don’t make sudden movements. And, under no circumstances, are you to deviate from your line.
  60. // Ditch the washer-nut and valve-stem cap.You are not, under any circumstances, to employ the use of the washer-nut and valve-stem cap that come with your inner-tubes or tubulars. They are only supplied to meet shipping regulations. They are useless when it comes to tubes and tires.
  61. // Like your guns, saddles should be smooth and hard.Under no circumstances may your saddle have more than 3mm of padding. Special allowances will be made for stage racing when physical pain caused by subcutaneous cysts and the like (“saddle sores”) are present. Under those conditions, up to 5mm of padding will be allowed – it should be noted that this exception is only temporary until the condition has passed or been excised. A hardman would not change their saddle at all but instead cut a hole in it to relieve pressure on the delicate area. It is noted that if Rule #48 and/or Rule #5 is observed then any “padding” is superfluous.7
  62. // You shall not ride with earphones.Cycling is about getting outside and into the elements and you don’t need to be listening to Queen or Slayer in order to experience that. Immerse yourself in the rhythm and pain, not in whatever 80’s hair band you call “music”.   See Rule #5 and ride your bike.8
  63. // Point in the direction you’re turning.Signal a left turn by pointing your left arm to the left. To signal a right turn, simply point with your right arm to the right. This one is, presumably, mostly for Americans: that right-turn signal that Americans are taught to make with your left arm elbow-out and your forearm pointing upwards was developed for motor-vehicles prior to the invention of the electric turn signal since it was rather difficult to reach from the driver-side all the way out the passenger-side window to signal a right turn. On a bicycle, however, we don’t have this limitation and it is actually quite easy to point your right arm in the direction you are turning. The American right-turn signal just makes you look like you’re waving “hello” to traffic.
  64. // Cornering confidence increases with time and experience.This pattern continues until it falls sharply and suddenly.
  65. // Maintain and respect your machine.Bicycles must adhere to the Principle of Silence and as such must be meticulously maintained. It must be cherished, and when leaning it against a wall, must be leaned carefully such that only the bars, saddle, or tires come in contact with the wall or post.  This is true even when dismounting prior to collapsing after the World Championship Time Trial. No squeaks, creaks, or chain noise allowed. Only the soothing hum of your tires upon the tarmac and the rhythm of your breathing may be audible when riding. When riding the Pave, the sound of chain slap is acceptable. The Principle of Silence can be extended to say that if you are suffering such that your breathing begins to adversely affect the enjoyment of the other riders in the bunch, you are to summarily sit up and allow yourself to be dropped.10
  66. // No  mirrors.Mirrors are allowed on your (aptly named) Surly Big Dummy or your Surly Long Haul Trucker. Not on your road steed. Not on your Mountain bike. Not on your helmet. If someone familiar with The Rules has sold you such an abomination, return the mirror and demand a refund, plus interest and damages.
  67. // Do your time in the wind.Nobody likes a wheel sucker. You might think you’re playing a smart tactical game by letting everyone else do the work while you sit on, but races (even Town Sign Sprints) are won through cooperation and spending time on the rivet, flogging yourself and taking risks. Riding wheels and jumping past at the end is one thing and one thing only: poor sportsmanship.
  68. // Rides are to be measured by quality, not quantity.Rides are to be measured by the quality of their distance and never by distance alone. For climbing rides, distances should be referred to by the amount of vertical covered; flat and rolling rides should be referred to by their distance and average speed. For example, declaring “We rode 4km” would assert that 4000m were climbed during the ride, with the distance being irrelevant. Conversely, a flat ride of 150km at 23kmh is not something that should be discussed in an open forum and Rule #5 must be reviewed at once.7
  69. // Cycling shoes and bicycles are made for riding.Any walking conducted while wearing cycling shoes must be strictly limited. When taking a slash or filling bidons during a 200km ride (at 38kmh, see Rule #68) one is to carefully stow one’s bicycle at the nearest point navigable by bike and walk the remaining distance. It is strictly prohibited that under any circumstances a cyclist should walk up a steep incline, with the obvious exception being when said incline is blocked by riders who crashed because you are on the Koppenberg. For clarification, see Rule #5.7
  70. // The purpose of competing is to win.End of. Any reference to not achieving this should be referred immediately to Rule #5.11
  71. // Train Properly.Know how to train properly and stick to your training plan. Ignore other cyclists with whom you are not intentionally riding. The time for being competitive is not during your training rides, but during competition.
  72. // Legs speak louder than words.Unless you routinely demonstrate your riding superiority and the smoothness of your Stroke, refrain from discussing your power meter, heartrate, or any other riding data.  Also see Rule #74.
  73. // Gear and brake cables should be cut to optimum length.Cables should create a perfect arc around the headtube and, whenever possible, cross under the downtube. Right shifter cable should go to the left cable stop and vice versa.
  74. // V Meters or small computers only.Forego the data and ride on feel; little compares to the pleasure of riding as hard as your mind will allow. Learn to read your body, meditate on Rule #5, and learn to push yourself to your limit. Power meters, heart rate monitors and GPS are bulky, ugly and superfluous. Any cycle computer, if deemed necessary, should be simple, small, mounted on the stem and wireless.
  75. // Race numbers are for races.Remove it from your frame before the next training ride because no matter how cool you think it looks, it does not look cool. Unless you are in a race. In which case it looks cool.
  76. // Helmets are to be hung from your stem.When not worn, helmets are to be clipped to the stem and draped over your handlebars thusly.
  77. // Respect the earth; don’t litter.Cycling is not an excuse to litter. Do not throw your empty gel packets, energy bar wrappers or punctured tubes on the road or in the bush. Stuff em in your jersey pockets, and repair that tube when you get home.12
  78. // Remove unnecessary gear.When racing in a criterium of 60 minutes or less the second (unused) water bottle cage must be removed in order to preserve the aesthetic of the racing machine.13
  79. // Fight for your town lines.Town lines must be contested or at least faked if you’re not in to it or too shagged to do anything but pedal the bike.
  80. // Always be Casually Deliberate.Waiting for others pre-ride or at the start line pre-race, you must be tranquilo, resting on your top tube thusly. This may be extended to any time one is aboard the bike, but not riding it, such as at stop lights.15
  81. // Don’t talk it up.Rides and crashes may only be discussed and recounted in detail when the rider required external assistance in recovery or recuperation. Otherwise refer to Rule #5.
  82. // Close the gap.Whilst riding in cold and/or  Rule #9 conditions replete with arm warmers, under no circumstances is there to be any exposed skin between the hems of your kit and the hems of your arm warmers. If this occurs, you either need to wear a kit that fits you properly or increase the size of your guns. Arm warmers may, however, be shoved to the wrists in Five and Dime scenarios, particularly those involving Rule #9 conditions. The No-Gap Principle also applies to knee and leg warmers with the variation that these are under no circumstances to be scrunched down around the ankles; Merckx have mercy on whomever is caught in such a sad, sorry state. It is important to note that while one can wear arm warmers without wearing knee or leg warmers, one cannot wear knee or leg warmers without wearing arm warmers (or a long sleeve jersey). It is completely inappropriate to have uncovered arms, while covering the knees, with the exception of brief periods of time when the arm warmers may be shoved to the wrists while going uphill in a Five and Dime situation. If the weather changes and one must remove a layer, the knee/leg coverings must go before the arm coverings. If that means that said rider must take off his knee or leg warmers while racing, then this is a skill he must be accomplished in. The single exception would be before an event in which someone plans on wearing neither arm or leg warmers while racing, but would like to keep the legs warm before the event starts; though wearing a long sleeve jersey over the racing kit at this time is also advised. One must not forget to remove said leg warmers. 16
  83. // Be self-sufficient.Unless you are followed by a team car, you will repair your own punctures. You will do so expediently, employing your own skills, using your own equipment, and without complaining that your expensive tyres are too tight for your puny thumbs to fit over your expensive rim. The fate of a rider who has failed to equip himself pursuant to Rule #31, or who knows not how to use said equipment, shall be determined at the discretion of any accompanying or approaching rider in accordance with Rule #84.17
  84. // Follow the Code.Consistently with The Code Of The Domestique, the announcement of a flat tyre in a training ride entitles – but does not oblige – all riders then present in the bunch to cease riding without fear of being labelled Pussies. All stopped riders are thereupon entitled – but not obliged – to lend assistance, instruction and/or stringent criticism of the tyre mender’s technique. The duration of a Rule #84 stop is entirely discretionary, but is generally inversely proportional to the duration of the remaining time available for post-ride espresso.17
  85. // Descend like a Pro.All descents shall be undertaken at speeds commonly regarded as “ludicrous” or “insane” by those less talented. In addition all corners will be traversed in an outside-inside-outside trajectory, with the outer leg extended and the inner leg canted appropriately (but not too far as to replicate a motorcycle racer, for you are not one), to assist in balance and creation of an appealing aesthetic. Brakes are generally not to be employed, but if absolutely necessary, only just prior to the corner. Also see Rule #64.18
  86. // Don’t half-wheel.Never half-wheel your riding partners; it’s terrible form – it is always the other guy who sets the pace. Unless, of course, you are on the rivet, in which case it’s an excellent intimidation technique.22
  87. // The Ride Starts on Time. No exceptions.The upside of always leaving on time is considerable. Others will be late exactly once. You signal that the sanctity of this ride, like all rides, is not something with which you should muck. You demonstrate, not with words but with actions, your commitment. As a bonus, you make more time for post-ride espresso. “On Time”, of course, is taken to mean at V past the hour or half hour.
  88. // Don’t surge.When rolling onto the front to take your turn in the wind, see Rule #67, do not suddenly lift the pace unless trying to establish a break. The key to maintaining a high average speed is to work with your companions and allow no gaps to form in the line. It is permissible to lift the pace gradually and if this results in people being dropped then they have been ridden off your wheel and are of no use to the bunch anyway. If you are behind someone who jumps on the pedals when they hit the front do not reprimand the offender with cries of ‘Don’t Surge’ unless the offender is a Frenchman named Serge.
  89. // Pronounce it Correctly.All races shall be referred to by the name given in its country of origin, and care shall be taken to pronounce the name as well as possible. For Belgian Races, it is preferable to choose the name given in its region of origin, though it is at the speaker’s discretion to use either the Flemish or Wallonian pronunciation. This principle shall also be extended to apply to riders’ names, bicycle and component marquees, and cycling accoutrements.
  90. // Never Get Out of the Big Ring.If it gets steeper, just push harder on the pedals. When pressed on the matter, the Apostle Johan Museeuw simply replied, “Yes, why would you slow down?” It is, of course, acceptable to momentarily shift into the inner ring when scaling the 20% ramps of the Kapelmuur.
  91. // No Food On Training Rides Under Four Hours.This one also comes from the Apostle, Johan Museeuw, who said to @frank: “Yes, no food on rides under four hours. You need to lose some weight.” Or, as Fignon put it, sometimes, when we train, we simply have to go out to meet the Man with the Hammer. The exception is, of course, hard rides over two hours and races. Also, if you’re planning on being out for more than four hours, start eating before you get hungry. This also applies to energy drink supplements.
  92. // No Sprinting From the HoodsThe only exception is riders whose name starts with Guiseppe and ends with Saronni. See the Goodwood Worlds in 82.24
  93. // Descents are not for recovery. Recovery Ales are for RecoveryDescents are meant to be as hard and demanding as – and much more dangerous than – the climbs. Climb hard, descend to close a gap or open one. Descents should hurt, not be a time for recovery. Recovery is designated only for the pub and for shit-talking.25
  94. // Use the correct tool for the job, and use the tool correctly.Bicycle maintenance is an art; tools are designed to serve specific purposes, and it is essential that the Velominatus learns to use each tool properly when working on their loyal machine.
  95. // Never lift your bike over your head.Under no circumstances is it acceptable to raise one’s machine above your head. The only exception is when placing it onto a car’s roof-rack.

Posts related to The Rules may be found here.

Submit your suggestions in the posts, or via email here.

Credits

1 Thanks to Geof for this submission.
2 Stijn Devolder on Rule #5, in defense of staying in Belgium when his teammates went off to train in sunny Spain: “It is not so cold that you freeze on to your bike. You go from a temperature of zero (Celsius) to minus one and you’re not dead; It hardens your character.”
3 It is possible for experts to mix these matching guidelines successfully without breaking The Rules.  This is a very risky undertaking and can yield unpredictable results.  Proceed carefully and, if in doubt, run your configuration by the Keepers for approval.
4 Famous quote by Greg LeMond, hardman and American Cycling legend. Greg Henderson quote courtesy of Neil. (Incidentally, it does not matter how fast you go, but you may never give up.)
5 Thanks to James for his sound input on modifying this submission from it’s original draft which read, “An exception to wearing a cap when not riding is: If you have a soigneur (you don’t) and he places the cap on your head after you’ve just won a mountain top finish or soloed into the velodrome (you haven’t).”
6 Thanks to Rob for this submission.
7 Thanks to Rob (different from Rob in 6) for this submission.
8 Thanks to Saul at Speedy Reedy for this submission.
9 Thanks to BarryRoubaix for the astute observation regarding Time Trial Bikes.
10Thanks to Souleur for the astute observation regarding the Principle of Silence.
11 Thanks to Charlie for this addition.
12 Thanks to Jarvis and Steampunk for their tidy ways.
13 Thanks to Cyclops for this sensibly aesthetic addition.
15 Thanks to SupermanSam via our friends at CyclingTipsBlog.
16 Thanks to Rusty Tool Shed and Reid Beloni for assistance in helping craft the language of this Rule.
17 Thanks to Karim for this most accurate contribution.
18 Thanks to SterlingMatt for this most accurate contribution.
21 There are variants of this story, including one which is more likely to be the actual way this story unfolded, which goes that Sean Kelly is met by his wife after a the ’84 Amstel Gold Race and they get in his Citroen AX: “Ah, Sean” says his beloved wife, “in your life the car comes first, then the bike, then me.” “You got the order wrong,” Kelly scowls, “the bike comes first.” Thanks to Oli Brooke-White for helping sort out the details of the story.
22 Thanks to David Ezzy for this excellent contribution and fantastic ride out to Kaupo and back.
23 Thanks to Donnie Bugno for this most accurate contribution.
24 Thanks to Robert Millar – yes the Robert Millar for filling this most glaring omission.
25 Thanks to @urbanwhitetrash for the submission.

12,462 Replies to “The Rules”

  1. @G’rilla

    Wasn’t cooked meat the thing that helped homosapien outlast the Neanderthals? Neanderthals ate only raw meat.

    Of course, that won’t stop me from enjoying a rare wagyu steak.

    My anecdote:

    PDX cogal: had a tofu po’boy for dinner and absolutely cycled for shit the next day.

    Seattle cogal: had a burger and dipped my fries in mayo and managed to finish 160k without embarrassing myself too much the next morning.

    I mean, if that is not rock solid SCIENCE right there, I don’t know what is.

  2. @snoov

    In a nutshell, if you want nutrients boil and liquidize your veggies

    So basically cook like the British cook then, yeah?

  3. @Chris

    @ped

    @DerHoggz Yeah, that didn’t post right and makes me look like a dehydrator(it’s just an oven on a lo setting you gullible hipsters).

    This is how it should’ve gone up –

    As a father of a child with an extreme egg allergy, I have not ignored ” reams of documented, peer-reviewed evidence” , in fact, I have read widely on the subject, and, have never come across anything to support this crackpot theory, unless you class Good Housekeeping as a peer reviewed journal.

    If you could provide some citations I’d be most grateful, thanks.

    Fuck that, please don’t. Heaven forbid that we might get into discussions based on scientific fact.

    One of the things that sets this site apart is that it is not populated by internet warriors claiming extensive expertise in the subject of the day, we’re happy to admit that it’s largely conjecture and supposition.

    Supposition. That’s sorta like an Ass Saver, right?

  6. @mcsqueak

    @snoov

    In a nutshell, if you want nutrients boil and liquidize your veggies

    So basically cook like the British cook then, yeah?

    Not sure how you ‘mericans come up with such sweeping generalisations given that only one in ten of you will have travelled further than the distance between your lazy boy and double doored fridge and of those who have, it was only visit your local drive thru McDonald’s/Krispy Kreme franchise. It’s well known that those of you who haven’t super sized  are only allowed to travel out the country in troop transports to secure more cooking oil for the Colonel’s industrial catering complex.

    As I said enough with the generalisations.

  8. @VeloSix Murphy’s First Rule: If you cleaned your bike before a ride, said ride will be through either rain or duststorms.

    Happened without fail for the past two months. Jesus – rain, pouring rain, in fucking May, in the fucking desert. I enjoyed it, but was completely unprepared with only my most lightweight kit taken for the weekend.

  9. @frank Just to comment on 5 and 3:

    3) “Fat burns in a carbohydrate flame” – lipids (fats) are more energy-dense (even a 5%-bodyfat cyclist has, on paper, enough energy to last through two days of exercise), but require an energy investment in order to extract it (to break down the lipid). More specifically, it’s an exergonic reaction (energy out > energy in), but requires energy to happen in the first place.

    When there is no more energy from glycogen stores (carbs, “immediate energy”), the body releases catabolic enzymes that break down muscle in order to get energy. That’s why the malnourished and anorexic lose muscle so badly. For a cyclist, it’s not such a big deal: That point is reached together with a full-on bonk anyhow, and that’s usually when we eat. It’s when you make it a habit that it becomes detrimental.

    Also, fat utilization can (and should) be trained, but is always dependent on heart-rate and effort. At threshold and beyond, the body depends completely on glycogen. It’s only on easy rides that fat is the primary source of energy.

    5) Euskaltel drink a beer after every ride. Ergo, beer is good. Woo!

  10. @tessar

    @frank Just to comment on 5 and 3:

    3) “Fat burns in a carbohydrate flame” – lipids (fats) are more energy-dense (even a 5%-bodyfat cyclist has, on paper, enough energy to last through two days of exercise), but require an energy investment in order to extract it (to break down the lipid). More specifically, it’s an exergonic reaction (energy out > energy in), but requires energy to happen in the first place.

    When there is no more energy from glycogen stores (carbs, “immediate energy”), the body releases catabolic enzymes that break down muscle in order to get energy. That’s why the malnourished and anorexic lose muscle so badly. For a cyclist, it’s not such a big deal: That point is reached together with a full-on bonk anyhow, and that’s usually when we eat. It’s when you make it a habit that it becomes detrimental.

    Also, fat utilization can (and should) be trained, but is always dependent on heart-rate and effort. At threshold and beyond, the body depends completely on glycogen. It’s only on easy rides that fat is the primary source of energy.

    5) Euskaltel drink a beer after every ride. Ergo, beer is good. Woo!

    You forgot curry!  It contains all the major food groups in a balanced way, and if you add in a tarka dahl, you even get extra pulses!!

    You know it makes sense!

  11. @tessar

    5) Euskaltel drink a beer after every ride. Ergo, beer is good. Woo!

    Right, because Euskaltel have just got that whole marginal gains things sorted haven’t they.

  12. @Bespoke

    @Chris

    @ped

    @DerHoggz Yeah, that didn’t post right and makes me look like a dehydrator(it’s just an oven on a lo setting you gullible hipsters).

    This is how it should’ve gone up –

    As a father of a child with an extreme egg allergy, I have not ignored ” reams of documented, peer-reviewed evidence” , in fact, I have read widely on the subject, and, have never come across anything to support this crackpot theory, unless you class Good Housekeeping as a peer reviewed journal.

    If you could provide some citations I’d be most grateful, thanks.

    Fuck that, please don’t. Heaven forbid that we might get into discussions based on scientific fact.

    One of the things that sets this site apart is that it is not populated by internet warriors claiming extensive expertise in the subject of the day, we’re happy to admit that it’s largely conjecture and supposition.

    Supposition. That’s sorta like an Ass Saver, right?

    Er no, but do feel free to carry on picking out words that look like their meaning might be bottom related.

  13. @Chris

    Er no, but do feel free to carry on picking out words that look like their meaning might be bottom related.

    Hnrr, hnrr, he said but.

  14. Wow, that guy trolled you all good, or he is one of those crazy fools that buys into every dietary fad that comes down the pike hardcore.

    Just eat what you enjoy, in an appropriate amount. To me a slice of homemade pizza (with the works on it) and a beer is the ideal recovery meal. It has the most important food groups: pizza, beer, meat, and to a lesser extent, vegetables.

    Anyone else make their own pizza dough?

  15. @scmtns

    (though most died from micronutrient starvation without eventual access to nuts, berries, fruits, and vegetables)

    Rarely have I heard so much utter guff…I just love people who make up theories or believe the tripe they read in so called scientific magazines from the latest professor trying to make a name for himself.

    1.  Paeleolithic man died largely of desease and injury.

    2.  We have always been, and still are Omnivores.  That means we eat fruit, nuts, veg, meat (dark and light) and pretty much anything else we can get our hands on.

    Disregard everything you read, common sense prevails.  Eat and drink everything in moderation.  The quality of what you eat is probably far more important than anything else.  If you cut open a sausage and it looks like meat paste, then it is probably full of shit.  Modern day intensive farming techniques probably have a role in the recent rise of allergies, behaviour and general health but this is still under investigation.

    Most of all, enjoy your food…..but not too much……and…..ride ride ride.

    And +1 to Frank, I must remember that phrase

    Beer is the perfect recovery beverage, and solves exactly as many problems as it causes.

  16. @Deakus

    Beer is the perfect recovery beverage, and solves exactly as many problems as it causes.

    Or, as the greatest living American, Homer J Simpson said ” Beer, the cause of, and answer to, all of life’s problems”

    Apparently, in Deutschland, they hand out alcohol free beers routinely at the end of sportives

  17. @frank

    Ok, bringing the diet discussion back to reality. How the fuck do we ever lose weight if we believe the journals?

    Don’t eat less because your metabolism will slow and you’ll just burn less calories to do the same thing. I say bullshit because then no one would die of starvation, would they?
    If you don’t eat on long rides, your body will just eat muscle instead of burning fat. I also say bullshit to that because all the other theories say fat is there to be burned (you body starts with the easiest to burn energy sources; fat easier than muscle.)
    I assure you the GT riders are not eating nuts and bolts unless they crash into another rider.
    Carbs are good so long as you burn them. They are most easily converted into energy but should you consume more in a day than you burn, your body immediately stores it as fat for later use. For that reason, unless you’re planning on riding a lot very soon, don’t eat heaps of carbs. By the way, news flash, you’re not burning that half pound of past you just dished on your plate at 8pm for dinner.
    Beer is the perfect recovery beverage, and solves exactly as many problems as it causes.

    @Chris

    This. Keep guessing people, we’re climbing without the rope of research here – this is dangerously close to getting informative, dependable, or interesting.

    Adding HIT to the regular rides shows some promise for improved fat burning –

    Scientists at Nottingham University who measured Mosley’s reaction to the High-Intensity Interval training (HIT) sessions recorded a 30 per cent improvement in the effectiveness of his insulin action: that’s the body’s ability to move glucose out of the bloodstream “” where it can become a toxin and lead to the build-up of dangerous visceral fat “” and into muscle tissue, where it is of benefit.

    Professor James Timmons is leading the UK research programme that mosley participated in, part of a Europe-wide study that’s due to report in four years’ time. He tells RT: “The science is developing on High-Intensity Interval training. Yes, it is really good at improving glucose uptake into the muscles in a very, very short time.

    “With really intense exercise, you release hormones that can help break down fat. This may help burn that fat over time, after HIT is done. Also, we think, but don’t know, that HIT will subdue appetite, while traditional exercise (jogging etc) will stimulate appetite. This last point is key and will be researched by our team.”

    Scientists at Nottingham University who measured Mosley’s reaction to the High-Intensity Interval training (HIT) sessions recorded a 30 per cent improvement in the effectiveness of his insulin action: that’s the body’s ability to move glucose out of the bloodstream “” where it can become a toxin and lead to the build-up of dangerous visceral fat “” and into muscle tissue, where it is of benefit. Professor James Timmons is leading the UK research programme that mosley participated in, part of a Europe-wide study that’s due to report in four years’ time. He tells RT: “The science is developing on High-Intensity Interval training. Yes, it is really good at improving glucose uptake into the muscles in a very, very short time. “With really intense exercise, you release hormones that can help break down fat. This may help burn that fat over time, after HIT is done. Also, we think, but don’t know, that HIT will subdue appetite, while traditional exercise (jogging etc) will stimulate appetite. This last point is key and will be researched by our team.”

  19. @Chris

    @Steampunk

    @mcsqueak

    Have you ever seen a malnourished Brit?

    Yes and it’s not pretty.

    Chris, I am not shadowing you (much – an no bottom puns here) but that is a rather horrific picture – a document of the dark side of professional cycling? And, I am not talking about the knee scrapes. Will some say that that’s how you look when you ride hard and train, in other words “looking pro”?! It does appear to be willful under eating from otherwise (extremely) healthy athletes. It reminds me of a documentary on professional horse jockeys.

  20. @ped

    @frank

    Ok, bringing the diet discussion back to reality. How the fuck do we ever lose weight if we believe the journals?

    Don’t eat less because your metabolism will slow and you’ll just burn less calories to do the same thing. I say bullshit because then no one would die of starvation, would they?
    If you don’t eat on long rides, your body will just eat muscle instead of burning fat. I also say bullshit to that because all the other theories say fat is there to be burned (you body starts with the easiest to burn energy sources; fat easier than muscle.)
    I assure you the GT riders are not eating nuts and bolts unless they crash into another rider.
    Carbs are good so long as you burn them. They are most easily converted into energy but should you consume more in a day than you burn, your body immediately stores it as fat for later use. For that reason, unless you’re planning on riding a lot very soon, don’t eat heaps of carbs. By the way, news flash, you’re not burning that half pound of past you just dished on your plate at 8pm for dinner.
    Beer is the perfect recovery beverage, and solves exactly as many problems as it causes.

    @Chris

    This. Keep guessing people, we’re climbing without the rope of research here – this is dangerously close to getting informative, dependable, or interesting.

    Adding HIT to the regular rides shows some promise for improved fat burning –

    Scientists at Nottingham University who measured Mosley’s reaction to the High-Intensity Interval training (HIT) sessions recorded a 30 per cent improvement in the effectiveness of his insulin action: that’s the body’s ability to move glucose out of the bloodstream “” where it can become a toxin and lead to the build-up of dangerous visceral fat “” and into muscle tissue, where it is of benefit.
    Professor James Timmons is leading the UK research programme that mosley participated in, part of a Europe-wide study that’s due to report in four years’ time. He tells RT: “The science is developing on High-Intensity Interval training. Yes, it is really good at improving glucose uptake into the muscles in a very, very short time.

    “With really intense exercise, you release hormones that can help break down fat. This may help burn that fat over time, after HIT is done. Also, we think, but don’t know, that HIT will subdue appetite, while traditional exercise (jogging etc) will stimulate appetite. This last point is key and will be researched by our team.”

    Scientists at Nottingham University who measured Mosley’s reaction to the High-Intensity Interval training (HIT) sessions recorded a 30 per cent improvement in the effectiveness of his insulin action: that’s the body’s ability to move glucose out of the bloodstream “” where it can become a toxin and lead to the build-up of dangerous visceral fat “” and into muscle tissue, where it is of benefit. Professor James Timmons is leading the UK research programme that mosley participated in, part of a Europe-wide study that’s due to report in four years’ time. He tells RT: “The science is developing on High-Intensity Interval training. Yes, it is really good at improving glucose uptake into the muscles in a very, very short time. “With really intense exercise, you release hormones that can help break down fat. This may help burn that fat over time, after HIT is done. Also, we think, but don’t know, that HIT will subdue appetite, while traditional exercise (jogging etc) will stimulate appetite. This last point is key and will be researched by our team.”

    Jeez, if we’re going to get all scientific about nutrition, say goodbye to dull…

  21. @Bespoke

    @Chris

    @Steampunk

    @mcsqueak

    Have you ever seen a malnourished Brit?

    Yes and it’s not pretty.

    Chris, I am not shadowing you (much – an no bottom puns here) but that is a rather horrific picture – a document of the dark side of professional cycling? And, I am not talking about the knee scrapes. Will some say that that’s how you look when you ride hard and train, in other words “looking pro”?! It does appear to be willful under eating from otherwise (extremely) healthy athletes. It reminds me of a documentary on professional horse jockeys.

    To be fair, I think Wiggins is at the extreme end of the lanky cyclist spectrum but I don’t think it’s anything new as far as his road career is concerned.

    Bear in mind that these are early season (Roubaix) rather than at the back end of a GT. This one is 2008 on the track for comparison.

  22. Velominati quoted in the Wall Street Journal???

    http://online.wsj.com/article/SB10001424127887324767004578485194028851214.html?mod=WSJ_LifeStyle_Lifestyle_5

    “For the uninitiated, the rules can seem rigid. Imagine, for instance, if sportswear etiquette prohibited Baltimore Ravens fans from wearing their Super Bowl championship jersey. “Championship and race leader jerseys must only be worn if you’ve won the championship or led the race,” according to a popular keeper-of-the-rules blog on the website Velominati. “Wearing Pro team kit is also questionable if you’re not paid to wear it.

    “If you must fly the colors of Pro teams,” the site adds, “all garments should match perfectly, i.e. no Mapei jersey with Kelme shorts.”

    But there’s no wiggle room on tightness. “No baggy shorts and jerseys while riding the road bike,” says Velominati.”

  23. @Sauterelle

    It’s always about Lance. Commuters don’t want to wear lycra? Must be about Lance. Obama considering military aid to Syrian rebels? Lance. Astronomers find a new Earth-sized planet? Yep.

  24. @Sauterelle That is one poorly written article with a decided biased.  Not at all what I would consider objective, nor are the points made necessarily related to the subject.  Not worth spending any more time on, actually.

  30. @Chris

    @mcsqueak

    @snoov

    In a nutshell, if you want nutrients boil and liquidize your veggies

    So basically cook like the British cook then, yeah?

    Not sure how you ‘mericans come up with such sweeping generalisations given that only one in ten of you will have travelled further than the distance between your lazy boy and double doored fridge and of those who have, it was only visit your local drive thru McDonald’s/Krispy Kreme franchise. It’s well known that those of you who haven’t super sized are only allowed to travel out the country in troop transports to secure more cooking oil for the Colonel’s industrial catering complex.

    As I said enough with the generalisations.

    Ha, touche.

  31. @tessar

    @VeloSix Murphy’s First Rule: If you cleaned your bike before a ride, said ride will be through either rain or duststorms.

    Happened without fail for the past two months. Jesus – rain, pouring rain, in fucking May, in the fucking desert. I enjoyed it, but was completely unprepared with only my most lightweight kit taken for the weekend.

    Oh yes, the past week and a half, every ride had either all rain, and a nice dumping at the beginning to get you wet and covered in road grime.

    The bike got cleaned after each ride.

  32. What we have here is an extremely rare sighting of three rule violations at one time!  I hope that by posting this we each will have the courage to gently remind your fellow riders of the rules and teach by example.

  33. more misguided experiences from the noobie….

    This year for my Wednesday LBS group ride (a no drop ride, that last year would drop me like a bad habit), I have been noticing to the range of cyclists who ride, from novice to hill climbing monsters (last year, I was too green to tell the difference).  There is a regular group of guys, all muscle bound beach body types, always walking around the parking lot shirtless and flexing their muscles pre-ride.  Most on TT bikes (or tri-bike, not sure the difference) or road bikes with aero bars….

    Now I’ve always been the thin lanky guy, last one picked for teams at any pick up game, and envious of the pretty blonds seemingly always hanging off their arms.  However, this season of cycling after 18 kg of weight loss, my now leaner 182 cm, 74 kg frame seems to be perfectly suited to lay waste to these guys.  The more I train and learn about how to ride, I can punish them with ease it seems on most any hill.  Yesterday was however different.  After they rode around in the back all day, they all wanted to sprint away like rabid wolves from the red light, for the final 1.6 km stretch leading back to the shop.

    I may very well be in the wrong here, as there was no town line sprint ahead to be defending, but there was a small number of us up front who did most all of the pulling who got tired of a few of those guys rocketing past us to get 50 meters out and quickly come right back to the group, just to go sit on a wheel.

    Yesterday, they all hammered away from the last traffic light like there was a 100 meters to go flag we all missed (even though it was a full 1.6 km).  I took great pleasure in catching and accelerating past all of them.  Even the linebacker like built guy, who exclaimed “…I’m all tapped out…” as I went buy him, and later heard him tell someone else, “….that guy still had two gears left, and he just blew my doors off…”

    It was good natured fun to them I assume, as we chatted our way through the parking lot back to our vehicles, and laughed about the excitement   But maybe it makes me evil and maniacal, because for me there was a sweet selfish pleasure to pounding on those muscle bound peacocks.

  35. @frank Absolutely.  I always have a certain respect for guys who just get out there and ride without regard for the rules and had mixed feelings about posting their pictures, but the violations were just too flagrant, and I guessed that they would not be visiting this site any time soon.

  36. @ped After watching that show, my wife starting doing some HIT intervals three times a week.  Her morning insulin readings have gone from diabetic, to pre-diabetic, to normal.  Post exercise readings are usually pretty high.  I’m assuming because you are releasing the glycogen stores.  She is still taking meds, but we’ll see what her A1C levels are at her next check up.  I haven’t looked into it yet, but I’m curious if insulin resistance returns after you stop doing HIT or does your body recover from the resistance and start metabolizing sugars normally. 
    The other thing I got out of that show was that there are some people who just do not respond well to aerobic activity.  I’m pretty certain I fall into that group.  Even at my most fit the gains I make are small and hard fought.  Would love to get the DNA test to see if that is the problem or if I’m just weak sauce.  Would also like to know my Vo2Max.

  37. @VeloSix

    My pov: if you can do your share of the work and still grind on wheelsucking meat-heads, why not enjoy it? I think it’s a fine thing to make them suffer if you’re not being an asshole about it. In fact, if I were you, I’d start looking for circumstances under which you can bait them into trying, and failing, to gain/keep your wheel. Sounds like good clean fun.

  38. @seemunkee

    @ped After watching that show, my wife starting doing some HIT intervals three times a week. Her morning insulin readings have gone from diabetic, to pre-diabetic, to normal. Post exercise readings are usually pretty high. I’m assuming because you are releasing the glycogen stores. She is still taking meds, but we’ll see what her A1C levels are at her next check up. I haven’t looked into it yet, but I’m curious if insulin resistance returns after you stop doing HIT or does your body recover from the resistance and start metabolizing sugars normally. The other thing I got out of that show was that there are some people who just do not respond well to aerobic activity. I’m pretty certain I fall into that group. Even at my most fit the gains I make are small and hard fought. Would love to get the DNA test to see if that is the problem or if I’m just weak sauce. Would also like to know my Vo2Max.

    that is fantastic, i reckon you would lose any benefits pretty quickly if you were to stop. as for the genetic testing, don’t you think it would just be tooo depressing to be told for definite that you’re a poor responder?

  40. @nkanafani

    What we have here is an extremely rare sighting of three rule violations at one time! I hope that by posting this we each will have the courage to gently remind your fellow riders of the rules and teach by example.

    I’m doing the UPAF (United Performing Arts Fund) ride in Milwaukee soon. I shall do my best to ignore rule violators as there will be too many. Actually, that’s rather unfair as you can’t obey the rules if you’ve never heard of them and for many of the participants, it’s likely the longest ride they do all year. For them, 25 or 50 miles is like a Velominatus doing a 160 or 200kms ride. They really should be applauded for their efforts. And many ride bikes in very dodgy condition. Mind you, I shall reserve the right to heap scorn on the guy ho did 80kms on a fancy two wheeled scooter. Wanker.

  41. @ped

    @seemunkee

    @ped After watching that show, my wife starting doing some HIT intervals three times a week. Her morning insulin readings have gone from diabetic, to pre-diabetic, to normal. Post exercise readings are usually pretty high. I’m assuming because you are releasing the glycogen stores. She is still taking meds, but we’ll see what her A1C levels are at her next check up. I haven’t looked into it yet, but I’m curious if insulin resistance returns after you stop doing HIT or does your body recover from the resistance and start metabolizing sugars normally. The other thing I got out of that show was that there are some people who just do not respond well to aerobic activity. I’m pretty certain I fall into that group. Even at my most fit the gains I make are small and hard fought. Would love to get the DNA test to see if that is the problem or if I’m just weak sauce. Would also like to know my Vo2Max.

    that is fantastic, i reckon you would lose any benefits pretty quickly if you were to stop. as for the genetic testing, don’t you think it would just be tooo depressing to be told for definite that you’re a poor responder?

    No, I would stop beating myself up so much and just relax into what my body is capable of. Right now I push myself for marginal gains until I break or get too depressed at the lack of progress that I can’t find any motivation.

  42. @Sauterelle

    Velominati quoted in the Wall Street Journal???

    http://online.wsj.com/article/SB10001424127887324767004578485194028851214.html?mod=WSJ_LifeStyle_Lifestyle_5

    “For the uninitiated, the rules can seem rigid. Imagine, for instance, if sportswear etiquette prohibited Baltimore Ravens fans from wearing their Super Bowl championship jersey. ”

    Forget cycling, isn’t this just good judgement?  Sports apparel should be reserved for playing sports, and would you wear a Super Bowl Champion Baltimore Raven’s jersey in a football game if you weren’t a Super Bowl Champion Baltimore Raven?  On or off a bike, this style of dress is distasteful, and does not look fantastic.  Arguably it looks trashy.  If you want to look trashy, so be it, but know that you look trashy.

  43. @Sauterelle

    Velominati quoted in the Wall Street Journal???

    http://online.wsj.com/article/SB10001424127887324767004578485194028851214.html?mod=WSJ_LifeStyle_Lifestyle_5

    “For the uninitiated, the rules can seem rigid. Imagine, for instance, if sportswear etiquette prohibited Baltimore Ravens fans from wearing their Super Bowl championship jersey. “Championship and race leader jerseys must only be worn if you’ve won the championship or led the race,” according to a popular keeper-of-the-rules blog on the website Velominati. “Wearing Pro team kit is also questionable if you’re not paid to wear it.

    “If you must fly the colors of Pro teams,” the site adds, “all garments should match perfectly, i.e. no Mapei jersey with Kelme shorts.”

    But there’s no wiggle room on tightness. “No baggy shorts and jerseys while riding the road bike,” says Velominati.”

    Fuck my tits – we made it to the Wall Street Journal? I’m going for a lie down.

  44. @wiscot

    @nkanafani

    What we have here is an extremely rare sighting of three rule violations at one time! I hope that by posting this we each will have the courage to gently remind your fellow riders of the rules and teach by example.

    I’m doing the UPAF (United Performing Arts Fund) ride in Milwaukee soon. I shall do my best to ignore rule violators as there will be too many. Actually, that’s rather unfair as you can’t obey the rules if you’ve never heard of them and for many of the participants, it’s likely the longest ride they do all year. For them, 25 or 50 miles is like a Velominatus doing a 160 or 200kms ride. They really should be applauded for their efforts. And many ride bikes in very dodgy condition. Mind you, I shall reserve the right to heap scorn on the guy ho did 80kms on a fancy two wheeled scooter. Wanker

    At the urging of a friend I did the NYC 5 Boroughs ride two weeks ago.  It was a nightmare of rules violation.  Never again.

  45. @the Engine

    @Sauterelle

    Velominati quoted in the Wall Street Journal???

    http://online.wsj.com/article/SB10001424127887324767004578485194028851214.html?mod=WSJ_LifeStyle_Lifestyle_5

    “For the uninitiated, the rules can seem rigid. Imagine, for instance, if sportswear etiquette prohibited Baltimore Ravens fans from wearing their Super Bowl championship jersey. “Championship and race leader jerseys must only be worn if you’ve won the championship or led the race,” according to a popular keeper-of-the-rules blog on the website Velominati. “Wearing Pro team kit is also questionable if you’re not paid to wear it.

    “If you must fly the colors of Pro teams,” the site adds, “all garments should match perfectly, i.e. no Mapei jersey with Kelme shorts.”

    But there’s no wiggle room on tightness. “No baggy shorts and jerseys while riding the road bike,” says Velominati.”

    Fuck my tits – we made it to the Wall Street Journal? I’m going for a lie down.

    Ya, but the fuckwad article and the jerk common- tatering after were a bit much. Guess I’m a “Fred/ Mamil”. AND, I can state for a fact, that COTHO has never been any influence in my choice of cycling kit.

  47. @scaler911

    @the Engine

    @Sauterelle

    Velominati quoted in the Wall Street Journal???

    http://online.wsj.com/article/SB10001424127887324767004578485194028851214.html?mod=WSJ_LifeStyle_Lifestyle_5

    “For the uninitiated, the rules can seem rigid. Imagine, for instance, if sportswear etiquette prohibited Baltimore Ravens fans from wearing their Super Bowl championship jersey. “Championship and race leader jerseys must only be worn if you’ve won the championship or led the race,” according to a popular keeper-of-the-rules blog on the website Velominati. “Wearing Pro team kit is also questionable if you’re not paid to wear it.

    “If you must fly the colors of Pro teams,” the site adds, “all garments should match perfectly, i.e. no Mapei jersey with Kelme shorts.”

    But there’s no wiggle room on tightness. “No baggy shorts and jerseys while riding the road bike,” says Velominati.”

    Fuck my tits – we made it to the Wall Street Journal? I’m going for a lie down.

    Ya, but the fuckwad article and the jerk common- tatering after were a bit much. Guess I’m a “Fred/ Mamil”. AND, I can state for a fact, that COTHO has never been any influence in my choice of cycling kit.

    No kidding, awful article and worse comments.

    It seems like people who don’t wish to wear lycra have to do a lot of rationalizing and putting down of those who do regarding their decision. Wear whatever the fuck you want, but don’t be sad when you show up to work a sweaty disaster.

  48. Off to Mudgee for 4 days. Home of Mark Renshaw’s wife’s family, but also unfortunately staying in the cave of VHM’s mother. Four days of riding ,Mudgee to Gulgong (60km return), Lowes Peak, Ulan. Couple of hours on bike, back to pub, watch recorded Tour d’Italia and t d California. Need more excuses to avoid acid tongue of beasty ma-in-law accusing this man-beast of spiriting daughter away into the real wicked world and voting against her preferred political party Etc. Especially hurtful is her barb about “scaring the neigbours” as I leave in well-matched Lycra.

    3 degrees in mornings, zero with wind chill, but preferable to icy shoulder in monster-in-law cavern. Plenty of wineries to ease the pain, though.

  49. @Deakus

    @scmtns

    (though most died from micronutrient starvation without eventual access to nuts, berries, fruits, and vegetables)

    Rarely have I heard so much utter guff…I just love people who make up theories or believe the tripe they read in so called scientific magazines from the latest professor trying to make a name for himself.

    1. Paeleolithic man died largely of desease and injury.

    2. We have always been, and still are Omnivores. That means we eat fruit, nuts, veg, meat (dark and light) and pretty much anything else we can get our hands on.

    Disregard everything you read, common sense prevails. Eat and drink everything in moderation. The quality of what you eat is probably far more important than anything else. If you cut open a sausage and it looks like meat paste, then it is probably full of shit. Modern day intensive farming techniques probably have a role in the recent rise of allergies, behaviour and general health but this is still under investigation.

    Most of all, enjoy your food…..but not too much……and…..ride ride ride.

    And +1 to Frank, I must remember that phrase

    Beer is the perfect recovery beverage, and solves exactly as many problems as it causes.

    Since I missed the discussion and I am totally an university educated physical fitness coaching master (ok bachelor) I want to weigh in too!

    Spot on, we eat to survive. If it doesn’t move faster than us it get eaten. Watch a three year old, it’s instinct. So called paleo man survived when Neanderthal dieded because we learned to fish. That’s been proven google NG on it. I am instinctively lazy due to evolution (yyaaayyy fuck you nature, we win!). And I will need this energy to ride V. Meat is good for you, that’s why it taste good, just like corndogs with mustard and beer.Lots of beer. It is cleaner than water which is full of poo. Want to really be paleo? Smear yourself in shit and collect pinecones and step away from the computer screen.

    Evolution is just a theory. Ha! Try jumping off a bridge, gravity is just a theory too. Fucktards and their lack of proper mutherfucking the word theory.

    WSJ – look good, ride hard, don’t be a douchebag or a pussy and follow the fucking Rules.

    PS-we are built for endurance, thank you uncle caveman. Cycling is the most efficienct way for the human to move. Thank Merckx.

    I need to go watch 4 year olds play soccer. In the rain. Up hill. Suck it up. And then drink beer.

  50. @mcsqueak

    It seems like people who don’t wish to wear lycra have to do a lot of rationalizing and putting down of those who do regarding their decision. Wear whatever the fuck you want, but don’t be sad when you show up to work a sweaty disaster.

    The confusion here is thinking that road racing and commuting are the same activity because they both happen on two wheels.

    In my book, randonneuring is a completely different sport from crit racing. Different equipment, different clothes, different muscles.

    Commuters complaining about people who wear lycra is as nonsensical as bowlers complaining about the leather used on a basketball.

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