Etiquette

Riding Ugly: The Spider

Too low and too short. Photo: Montreal Gazette
Too low and too short. Photo: Montreal Gazette

There are lots of things to like about Vroomie Froomie, like his willingness to accept the fact that people are inclined to question his performances. Aside from me resenting him for leading a Tour which everyday becomes a little less exciting, he seems quite a likable guy; he is polite, respectful of the sport, wears team-issue bibs with his yellow jersey, his bike is only subtly yellow’d out, and he hasn’t publicly called anyone a c*nt that I’m aware of. That last point alone represents a refreshing change from last year.

When KRX10 and I worked together during the Dot-Bomb, we used to keep a miniature bike in our office, which we would use to do 6-corner time-trials around the office floor. I’m assuming someone must have made videos of those races and that they must have gone viral in Kenya, because it appears Froome modeled his position after ours on those tiny bikes.

I haven’t seen anyone ride in a position like his since Sean Kelly, except Sean always Looked Fantastic. His saddle is too low, his reach is too short, his back is too hunched, and his heels and elbows are pointed out like he’s trying to stomp on a Smurf. And, from the looks of his shoes, it appears he has been successful. I would very much appreciate it if he would sort himself out and attain a more pleasant position on the bike. I don’t care that he can make it go like a nutter; it’s an affront to my sense of aesthetics to see him hunched up like a spider humping a lightbulb.

And everyone knows that Science has proven spiders to be icky on account of having too many appendages.

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191 Replies to “Riding Ugly: The Spider”

  1. @Marcus

    You want an offensive photo of a tall skinny climber who could TT (he could for one Tour anyway)?

    ouch. That photo was uncalled for. But I did like being reminded of the chicken crashing his TT bike repeatedly. That was gold.

  2. @Gianni

    @Marcus

    You want an offensive photo of a tall skinny climber who could TT (he could for one Tour anyway)?

    ouch. That photo was uncalled for. But I did like being reminded of the chicken crashing his TT bike repeatedly. That was gold.

    Can’t @frank write a script to block pix like that of the Chicken?

  4. @Steampunk

    Watching yesterday’s highlights again and I think the “problem” is his compact bars. For a guy with such long arms, when he gets out of the saddle, it looks like he’s still on the tops, which looks horrendous.

    Comparing the pic above with this one from the 2010 Giro, he seems to have reduced his reach considerably:

    Here’s last year’s Vuelta:

     

    …where he seems to have the reduced reach. I can’t find a comparable angle from the 2011 Vuelta, but he seems a bit more stretched out there, too.

    So, I wonder:

    1. What prompted the change in set-up at Team Sky? It looks very wrong, but it’s clearly working.

    2. An injury and this mitigates the discomfort?

    3. I’d also like to know what gearing he was using yesterday. Sean Kelly seemed to indicate that the peloton would likely be riding 39×23/25, but the speed of Froome’s acceleration has me wondering if he had smaller gearing, too.

    4. The 2010 Giro photo clearly shows Froome emitting steam from his helmet. The lack of steam in the Vuelta photo may account for the difference in position there and now.

    well, that’s my theory anyway…

  6. @Marcus

    @Bianchi Denti

    Of all the Liz Hatch pics on the net (and i am pretty sure we have seen them all – twice), you went with that one? You can do better.

    Of course I could, but that’s too easy, and has been done to death. My photo showed her excellent position on the bike. Otherwise it’s just gratuitous. Like this:

    http://velominati.com/wp-content/uploads/readers/Richard/2013.07.16.00.41.40/2/Liz%20Hatch%202.jpg

    Man, does her chain need cleaning or what?!

  7. @Bianchi Denti

    @Marcus

    @Bianchi Denti

    Of all the Liz Hatch pics on the net (and i am pretty sure we have seen them all – twice), you went with that one? You can do better.

    Of course I could, but that’s too easy, and has been done to death. My photo showed her excellent position on the bike. Otherwise it’s just gratuitous. Like this:

    Man, does her chain need cleaning or what?!

    Faaarrk me!  Knew I needed to check the site one more time before bed for a reason!  Sweet dreams!

  8. @Bianchi Denti

    @Marcus

    @Bianchi Denti

    Of all the Liz Hatch pics on the net (and i am pretty sure we have seen them all – twice), you went with that one? You can do better.

    Of course I could, but that’s too easy, and has been done to death. My photo showed her excellent position on the bike. Otherwise it’s just gratuitous. Like this:

    Man, does her chain need cleaning or what?!

     

    Nipple lube?

  9. Skkezicks

    Every time I see Froome, I can’t help but think of Skeezicks from the old Uncle Wiggily stories. Now that I think of it, Snippy Snoopy could be Quintanta. Not sure about Pipsisewah though. Bruyneel perhaps?

  10. @scaler911

    The wrong position is just wrong.

     

    Exactly, and I can tell you I could do fuck all in terms of getting power into the pedals. A problem Froome admittedly doesn’t appear to have.

    @Gianni

    @Nate

    Yes, it should be automatically replaced with this. Warning! Turn off audio or your brain will be permanently damaged.

    I actually think I might be able to do that. Stand by. Might not be perfect, but over time I’ll catch all the versions of that stupid image.

    Or, easier might be just to block @Marcus.

  12. @Steampunk

    Interesting that he’s also playing with stack height. He’s got a spacer in the second but none in the first, though they switched from deda stems at 8 degrees to PRO stems at 10 degrees, which might account for the change in bar height, now that I think of it.

    But I did notice somewhere today that he’s got yet another spacer config on his bike this year, so he seems to be very willing to futz about with his position. Quite dramatically, it would appear.

    @Zman

    It has little to do with frame size; he just needs to raise his saddle and chuck in a belgian-sized stem!

  13. @gregorio

    @Chris SPD sandals = nightmare at the velodrome. This hits at the core: cyclist vs. bike rider.

    On a long ride last weekend I couldn’t avoid catching up to an individual with whom I didn’t want to compete even implicitly because I saw the sleeveless jersey from quite a distance. So eventually I caught this person and it turned out to be Brian–if Brian were a MILF in SPD sandals. It actually took a while to get up to her wheel.

  14. @women

    I apologize on behalf of men everywhere. In case this fact has escaped you, we are hopelessly excitable when it comes to boobs. They don’t even have to be nice boobs – any boobs will do, particularly when the woman in charge of said boobs is willing to put them on display, even partially.

    Please keep coming to the site – all three of you – and eventually @Bianchi Denti, @Marcus, and @Buck Rogers will die of old age and the site will be more respectful. As women live longer than men, you’ll luckily live long enough to experience it, probably on account of our making horrible decisions when presented with the opportunity to look at a pair of boobs.

  16. @frank

    @Gianni

    @Nate

    Yes, it should be automatically replaced with this. Warning! Turn off audio or your brain will be permanently damaged.

    I actually think I might be able to do that. Stand by. Might not be perfect, but over time I’ll catch all the versions of that stupid image.

    Or, easier might be just to block @Marcus.

    That would be a pity.  The mantle of Australia is tailor made for the chip on his shoulder.

  17. @frank in relation to such matters, and in spite of Rule #42, i have quite possibly found a reason to breach said rule.

    Couple of friends did the Challenge Roth on the weekend (a very famous German iron-distance triathlon, just not run by Ironman) – other than the Solarer Berg which is like a mini TdF col with fans and beer, those crazy Germans also have something else. Unisex showers at the end of the race. That’s right, unisex showers!!!!!

    The fellas cannot recall ever being cleaner.

  20. @Marcus Huh?  I’ll admit to having chips on both shoulders when I was growing up in the midwest, but that’s long ago.

    @Marcus

    @frank in relation to such matters, and in spite of Rule #42, i have quite possibly found a reason to breach said rule.

    Couple of friends did the Challenge Roth on the weekend (a very famous German iron-distance triathlon, just not run by Ironman) – other than the Solarer Berg which is like a mini TdF col with fans and beer, those crazy Germans also have something else. Unisex showers at the end of the race. That’s right, unisex showers!!!!!

    The fellas cannot recall ever being cleaner.

    @frank we would hate to lose gems like this.

  21. @Marcus

    @frank in relation to such matters, and in spite of Rule #42, i have quite possibly found a reason to breach said rule.

    Couple of friends did the Challenge Roth on the weekend (a very famous German iron-distance triathlon, just not run by Ironman) – other than the Solarer Berg which is like a mini TdF col with fans and beer, those crazy Germans also have something else. Unisex showers at the end of the race. That’s right, unisex showers!!!!!

    The fellas cannot recall ever being cleaner.

    … and the shower supervisor made sure everyone got really clean…

  22. @frank

    @Xyverz

    But judging by the photos that @Erik just posted, Froome-froome is definitely not utilizing The V-locus, but does it really matter? The guy is being a full-on monster this year.

    Does it really matter? DOES IT REALLY MATTER?

    Have you forgotten where you are? This is Velominati. This is what we do, for fucks sake. The fact that he’s going batshit fast only makes his unappealing position marginally less offensive.

    You gotta admit, he looks completely fucking pro standing up on the top step in yellow. =)

  23. @Xyverz

    Aside from the unnecessarily long shorts, yes.

    Which reminds me, he also has toad head. That’s a clear violation of the Three-Point System.

    As long as we’re on the subject, Movistar’s Bug Eyed Sprite Adidas shades are deplorable. Can’t anyone besides Oakley make a good-look pair of shades?

  24. @Ron

    As humans, we are all different. So he looks different from the “regular” rider and maybe taking a different approach, but so what. Is he doing what he wants and well on his way to reaching his goal?

    New to this neck of the woods I take it !

  25. @Gianni

    Froome should ride your bike, that would help.

    He has the rib cage of a high altitude sherpa, arms of a person who never uses them and long skinny legs. It is another good thing about cycling, the bike is the great equalizer of body types. It doesn’t matter your body type; if you can go bat-shiet fast, you are winning. He is built like a tall climber yet he can time trial like Tony Martin, almost. Thank god he can’t sprint.

    Except up Mont Ventoux.

  26. @frank

    WRT eyewear  – I agree.  Movistar get just about everything right in their kit (Pinarello & Campa is a good start) and then fail on the glasses.  If they were just black or navy blue they might pass but they are not and they do not.  It would seem their doping program is being similarly neglected.  Except Quintana who does not need dope because he exists on a diet of pure cocaine.

  27. @Buck Rogers

    @Oldnslowly

    Oh come on! He’s in yellow, he’s gained a minute and a half on his rivals, and he attacks the only man left standing to win the stage by thirty seconds. The Ventoux on the hundredth tour. What does he have to do to impress lesser cyclists. I despair…

    Not sure about lesser cyclist but for Velominati he needs to look fuck’in FANTASTIC while doing it.

    This

  28. Fuck Sir Christopher is fast, his climbing speed is perhaps only matched by Pantani, here the similarity ends, in fact I don’t think anyone rides a bike like he does, it actually makes me wince to watch it, some of his accelerations looked like I’d pressed ffwd, the man has not come from no where to the top of his game, you only have to look at him to see he’s rockin some pretty unique physiology, he was born at altitude, he was probably the strongest at TDF last year as well, I think he has earned his place fair and square. It’s a bit like… God there’s nothing like it, it’s wrong wrong wrong make it stop, please someone, any one, please…

  29. @VeloVita

    @Ron

    As humans, we are all different. So he looks different from the “regular” rider and maybe taking a different approach, but so what. Is he doing what he wants and well on his way to reaching his goal?

    I’m more disturbed at the fact that it seems we now have two Rons…

    Very disturbing indeed. There’s an unauthorised @Chris operating on this page as well.

    I suppose it’s my fault really for not choosing something unique like @sleevelessspeedoboyinMelbourne or @deviantincanberra.

  31. @il ciclista medio

    @Steampunk

    Watching yesterday’s highlights again and I think the “problem” is his compact bars. For a guy with such long arms, when he gets out of the saddle, it looks like he’s still on the tops, which looks horrendous.

    Comparing the pic above with this one from the 2010 Giro, he seems to have reduced his reach considerably:

    Here’s last year’s Vuelta:

    …where he seems to have the reduced reach. I can’t find a comparable angle from the 2011 Vuelta, but he seems a bit more stretched out there, too.

    So, I wonder:

    1. What prompted the change in set-up at Team Sky? It looks very wrong, but it’s clearly working.

    2. An injury and this mitigates the discomfort?

    3. I’d also like to know what gearing he was using yesterday. Sean Kelly seemed to indicate that the peloton would likely be riding 39×23/25, but the speed of Froome’s acceleration has me wondering if he had smaller gearing, too.

    4. The 2010 Giro photo clearly shows Froome emitting steam from his helmet. The lack of steam in the Vuelta photo may account for the difference in position there and now.

    well, that’s my theory anyway…

    Sir Dave has been tweaking his Skybots to come up with the perfect configuration, hence the changes to Froome. Or more correctly, hence Froome v1.03 and v3.01 seen here.

    v1.03 was the ill fated steam variant. Sunday’s high cadence acceleration was the result of mismatching some old Wiggins 2012 servo’s with some Michael Barry USPS/Discovery era recovery systems.

  33. @frank

    @Xyverz

    Aside from the unnecessarily long shorts, yes.

    Which reminds me, he also has Toad Head. That’s a clear violation of the Three-Point System.

    As long as we’re on the subject, Movistar’s Bug Eyed Sprite Adidas shades are deplorable. Can’t anyone besides Oakley make a good-look pair of shades?

    I’m disappointed that Froome lost the Jawbones this year.

  34. @DerHoggz

    @frank

    @Xyverz

    Aside from the unnecessarily long shorts, yes.

    Which reminds me, he also has Toad Head. That’s a clear violation of the Three-Point System.

    As long as we’re on the subject, Movistar’s Bug Eyed Sprite Adidas shades are deplorable. Can’t anyone besides Oakley make a good-look pair of shades?

    I’m disappointed that Froome lost the Jawbones this year.

    There is also an issue on the jersey where the yellow version does not have sleeves as long as the usualy Rapha version….this is leading to Rule #7 infractions all over the shop.  Can someone have a word with him please?

  35. @Deakus not sure there’s much he can do about it, the le Coq Sportif supplied yellow jersey seems to be a slightly more traditional cut, hence the shorter sleeves.

  36. @Mikael Liddy teams supply their own yellow jerseys – just not the ones on the podium. That would be a Rapha jersey with Le Coq logo. Sleeves just appear rolled up.

  37. @frank

    @women

    I apologize on behalf of men everywhere. In case this fact has escaped you, we are hopelessly excitable when it comes to boobs. They don’t even have to be nice boobs – any boobs will do, particularly when the woman in charge of said boobs is willing to put them on display, even partially.

    Please keep coming to the site – all three of you – and eventually @Bianchi Denti, @Marcus, and @Buck Rogers will die of old age and the site will be more respectful. As women live longer than men, you’ll luckily live long enough to experience it, probably on account of our making horrible decisions when presented with the opportunity to look at a pair of boobs.

    Boobs?  Did someone say Boobs?  Where?

  38. @Deakus

    @Steampunk

    Watching yesterday’s highlights again and I think the “problem” is his compact bars. For a guy with such long arms, when he gets out of the saddle, it looks like he’s still on the tops, which looks horrendous.

    Comparing the pic above with this one from the 2010 Giro, he seems to have reduced his reach considerably:

    …where he seems to have the reduced reach. I can’t find a comparable angle from the 2011 Vuelta, but he seems a bit more stretched out there, too.

    So, I wonder:

    1. What prompted the change in set-up at Team Sky? It looks very wrong, but it’s clearly working.

    Perhaps they were interested in adjusting the configuration of the ponytail jetstream emitting from his helmet.

  39. On another note, hell of a break today in the tdf.  Nico Riche, Gilbert, Quinziato, Tommy “Oh Fuck my Face Just Broke” V, Riblon, Navarro, Costa, Kadri and Hoogerland just to name a few.  They should be fighting for the stage win, me thinks!

  42. @Pedale.Forchetta Those are some stunning photos.

    I’m going to go away and cry now in the knowledge that it would only by pure chance that anything that good will ever come out of my camera.

  43. Ahhhh, my cycling news live ticker has died and I cannot seem to get any live stream to open here at work!  Painful!

  44. @Chris

    @Pedale.Forchetta Those are some stunning photos.

    I’m going to go away and cry now in the knowledge that it would only by pure chance that anything that good will ever come out of my camera.

    Ditto.  Incredible.

    Pedale.Forchetta, are you going to be at the Worlds this year?

  45. @Buck Rogers

    Ahhhh, my cycling news live ticker has died and I cannot seem to get any live stream to open here at work! Painful!

    Everybody who is nobody* are out in the break with about a 10 minute lead. They are not being pursued with any great urgency by the peloton. It is likely to remain that way.

    *Schleck Jr wasn’t informed that he now a nobody and missed the break. He is likely to be dropped at some point.

  46. @Chris

    @Buck Rogers

    Ahhhh, my cycling news live ticker has died and I cannot seem to get any live stream to open here at work! Painful!

    Everybody who is nobody* are out in the break with about a 10 minute lead. They are not being pursued with any great urgency by the peloton. It is likely to remain that way.

    *Schleck Jr wasn’t informed that he now a nobody and missed the break. He is likely to be dropped at some point.

    Thanks!  Cycling News ticker is working again.  I had to resort to VeloSnooze’s ticker for a while and I swear that they mentioned the COTHO four times and had a video on during the 30 minutes that I watched on their website.  They’re worse than Auntie Phil and Uncle Paul.  What the FUCK is it with them and their Lance-love?  Jesus, made me remember why I quit going to their site about two years ago.

  47. YES!  Let’s go J-Rod.  I need you in the top five, preferably 3rd, for a chance at some VSP booty, BABY!!!

  50. This is fantastic. I have no reason to dislike Froome, then it dawned on me that it was his appearance that caused my scorn.  I think he looks like a preying mantis. Think about it: bug face, twiggy extremities, hunched up with crunched up arms….check, check, and check.

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