Author Archive | frank

The Prophet solos in the mountains wearing the Yellow Jersey.

Vive Le Tour

by / / 34 posts

Maybe it’s the narcissist in me or maybe I never really learned how to share properly, but I prefer my birthday over Christmas. My birthday is the one day of the year where everything is about me. No feigning interest in other people’s gifts, no getting distracted by any greater meaning. Just me and my loot,…

The irresistible Sa Calobra. Photo: @roadslave525.

Sur La Plaque, Part Trois: Monkey in the Middle

by / / 76 posts

Climbing is something I enjoy more than I am good at it; any time I see a new road pointing up to the heavens, I find myself irresistibly drawn to explore where it leads. Every season I come to the conclusion that my training routes are all very hilly and I arrive at the brilliant idea that…

Stay on your toes: you're in the bike lane now.

Urban Riding: The Sanctity of the Bike Lane

by / / 92 posts

There was a time when the world was painted in hues of black and white. Right and Wrong were separated by lines painted in such a thick, heavy paint that even to wander close was to already alter your very nature. The Elders taught us on which side we were to dwell and what evils would descend upon…

af13

The Cycle of Style

by / / 253 posts

There are two ways in life to be good at something. The first way is the most obvious, which is to actually be good at something. This is harder than it sounds because you need things like skills, talent, fortitude, and light sabers. The other way doesn’t require those things but it has its own…

This isn't the height your looking for.

The Curse of Four Millimeters

by / / 118 posts

I don’t know how a guy who shows off the better part of a half meter of seat post comes to the conclusion that his saddle is too low, but that precise thought occupies an enormous amount of time. Ever closer looms the minimum insertion point on my seat pin, yet I am irrevocably bound to…

Bernard Thèvenet and The Prophet enroute to Pra Loup.

The Fire and the Moth

by / / 36 posts

In my journey through life, I’ve been struck by the near universal existence of the competitive spirit amongst people. Even people who claim not to be competitive in nature are seemingly competitive about how uncompetitive they are. I’m more uncompetitive than you. We find it everywhere, between old friends and perfect strangers alike; during official tournaments or…

Glossy shiny goodness thanks to Pedro's Bike Lust

Reverence: Pedro’s Bike Lust

by / / 70 posts

I met a nice character a few weeks ago on a magnificent ride through the Bay Area. He rode a Colnago C-50 which was so filthy that I was unable to ascertain with any degree of certainty what color it was painted. I spent most of the ride suppressing the impulse to lead him and his bike…

The European Posterior Tubular, tied on by a toe strap. This ain't no EPMS.

European Posterior Tubular (EPTB)

by / / 197 posts

The divisive nature of Rule #29 is not to be underestimated. It is but a humble satchel, but our rejection of its use sends people completely out of their minds. One fine gentleman even threatened my editor at Cyclist Magazine with cancellation of his subscription on the basis that they published an article wherein I espoused the virtues…

LeTour

On Rule #59: Hold Your Line

by / / 118 posts

Anecdotal research suggests that people are being let off-leash without adequate training to perform basic activities such as walking on sidewalks or through airports and busy city centers. I’m assuming this expands to shopping malls, but I never go there so I can’t be sure. It’s easy to blame the mobile phones which apparently grow from our hands, but even…

Phil Anderson tries in vain to hold Le Blaireau's wheel.

Getting Dropped

by / / 90 posts

I can can feel his cold breath on my back, like a shadow drifting through an alleyway. He’s not yet upon me, but the Man with the Hammer is lurking nearby. I’m not even sure he has the intention to strike; he’s just staying close, cruelly reminding me that my fate is in his hands.…

graveur

Something Beautiful

by / / 68 posts

Despite the proclivity towards being all-knowing that comes as a consequence of my being Dutch, the most beautiful things in life are discoveries that come as a result of not knowing. We are quick to answer but slow to think; the easy solution lies at our fingertips while the true mystery lurks just beyond, ready to…

Johan Vandevelde wears a snow helmet on the Gavia during the '88 Giro.

Velominati Super Prestige: Giro d’Italia 2014

by / / 874 posts

For the simple reason that the Cobbled and Ardennes Classics are behind us, I have not alternative but to get back on my soap box about the Giro being the best of the three Grand Tours. Well, usually, at least. Last year’s race sucked the big one (even if it was supremely Rule #9), but for the most…

Minnie Phinney takes a swig. Photo: Pedale.Forchetta

Look Pro: Drink Properly

by / / 119 posts

Riding a bicycle involves much more than just pushing the pedals around in a perfect sweep of muscular elegance while Looking Fantastic at all times. There are all sorts of soft skills involved like learning to shift properly, learning to corner properly, learning to crash properly, learning to criticize a fellow rider’s puncture-repair technique, learning to chide a struggling…

Hinault explores the second of the Fundamental Fives: technical skill.

Convergence of the Two Fives

by / / 81 posts

Physics tells us that for every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction. The conservation law extend beyond the physical world and into mystical where the V and Anti-V are also in a constant fight for balance. The Ancients on Mount Velomis understood this well, and taught that the Anti-V expresses itself within the universe as two…

The Prophet hands down the New V-Estament

Book Release: Events and New Rules

by / / 78 posts

The Rules lie at the beginning of The Path, not the end. In pursuit of La Vie Velominatus, we know of no end to the Path; each of us journey through an endless evolution of understanding and reverence. As such, The Word continues to be handed down from high upon Mount Velominis and The Rules…

Pantani finds his power in the drops. Photo: Tom Able-Green/ALLSPORT

In Search of Power

by / / 119 posts

It’s no secret that I’m prone to riding in the big ring as much as possible, mostly on account of my not being a giant sissy. In accordance with the ISO Non-Sissy Standard, I also never read instruction manuals or ask for directions when lost. I make sure to only rarely ask my VMH to turn…

Phinney takes flight in the Trouée d'Arenberg.

Velominati Super Prestige: Paris-Roubaix 2014

by / / 355 posts

It has been a brutal week for us Keepers, having decided not to hold a Keepers Tour this year. Watching the action from half a world away has been almost too much for us to bear, and I know most of the participants from last year must be feeling similarly. On Sunday, we would be…

Fabs and Vanmarke make the split on the Kwaremont. Photo: Alexandre Voisine

Balance

by / / 78 posts

I had always imagined that de Ronde van Vlaanderen must be hardest race in the world. The way I worked it out – having never ridden the course of either event at the time – was that de Ronde had the same cobbles as Roubaix, but with 20% grades thrown in. It makes enough sense…

Ellen van Dijk scales the Oude Kwaremont

Velominati Super Prestige: VVomen’s Ronde van Vlaanderen 2014

by / / 204 posts

Vlaanderen. Its no accident the Flemish word for Flanders starts with a V; there is nothing simple or easy about riding a bike here. If it isn’t wind, its steep bergs. If it isn’t tarmac, its cobbles. Most of the time, its all three. Oh, and the weather there sucks. In fact, Flanders doesn’t have…

In defiance of Gravity

Gravity

by / / 68 posts

Gravity is the most unavoidable force on Earth, with the possible exception of Stupidity. And like with Stupidity, you can take measures to reduce its influence on you, but you won’t get rid of it completely, assuming you’re staying on this planet. From the very moment we’re born, Gravity takes its unrelenting hold on us – which…