The Rules

We are the Keepers of the Cog. In so being, we also maintain the sacred text wherein lie the simple truths of cycling etiquette known as The Rules. It is in our trust to maintain and endorse this list.

The Rules lie at the beginning of The Path to La Vie Velominatus, not at the end; learning to balance them against one another and to welcome them all into your life as a Velominatus is a never-ending struggle waged between form and function as we continue along The Path towards transcension.

See also The Prophet’s Prayer.

  1. // Obey The Rules.
  2. // Lead by example.It is forbidden for someone familiar with The Rules to knowingly assist another person to breach them.1
  3. // Guide the uninitiated.No matter how good you think your reason is to knowingly breach The Rules, it is never good enough.
  4. // It’s all about the bike. It is, absolutely, without question, unequivocally, about the bike. Anyone who says otherwise is obviously a twatwaffle.
  5. // Harden The Fuck Up. 2,20
  6. // Free your mind and your legs will follow.Your mind is your worst enemy. Do all your thinking before you start riding your bike.  Once the pedals start to turn, wrap yourself in the sensations of the ride – the smell of the air, the sound of the tires, the feeling of flight as the bicycle rolls over the road.
  7. // Tan lines should be cultivated and kept razor sharp.Under no circumstances should one be rolling up their sleeves or shorts in an effort to somehow diminish one’s tan lines. Sleeveless jerseys are under no circumstances to be employed.
  8. // Saddles, bars, and tires shall be carefully matched.3Valid options are:

    Match the saddle to the bars and the tires to black; or

    Match the bars to the color of the frame at the top of the head tube and the saddle to the color of the frame at the top of the seat tube and the tires to the color where they come closest to the frame; or

    Match the saddle and the bars to the frame decals; or

    Black, black, black

  9. // If you are out riding in bad weather, it means you are a badass. Period.Fair-weather riding is a luxury reserved for Sunday afternoons and wide boulevards. Those who ride in foul weather – be it cold, wet, or inordinately hot – are members of a special club of riders who, on the morning of a big ride, pull back the curtain to check the weather and, upon seeing rain falling from the skies, allow a wry smile to spread across their face. This is a rider who loves the work.
  10. // It never gets easier, you just go faster.As this famous quote by Greg LeMan tells us, training, climbing, and racing is hard. It stays hard. To put it another way, per Greg Henderson: “Training is like fighting with a gorilla. You don’t stop when you’re tired. You stop when the gorilla is tired.” Sur la Plaque, fucktards.4
  11. // Family does not come first. The bike does.Sean Kelly, being interviewed after the ’84 Amstel Gold Race, spots his wife leaning against his Citroën AX. He interrupts the interview to tell her to get off the paintwork, to which she shrugs, “In your life the car comes first, then the bike, then me.” Instinctively, he snaps back, “You got the order wrong. The bike comes first.”21
  12. // The correct number of bikes to own is n+1.While the minimum number of bikes one should own is three, the correct number is n+1, where n is the number of bikes currently owned. This equation may also be re-written as s-1, where s is the number of bikes owned that would result in separation from your partner.
  13. // If you draw race number 13, turn it upside down.Paradoxically, the same mind that holds such control over the body is also woefully fragile and prone to superstitious thought. It fills easily with doubt and is distracted by ancillary details. This is why the tape must always be perfect, the machine silent, the kit spotless. And, if you draw the unlucky Number 13, turn it upside down to counter-act its negative energy.
  14. // Shorts should be black.Team-issue shorts should be black, with the possible exception of side-panels, which may match the rest of the team kit.
  15. // Black shorts should also be worn with leader’s jerseys.Black shorts, or at least standard team-kit shorts, must be worn with Championship jerseys and race leadership jerseys. Don’t over-match your kit, or accept that you will look like a douche.
  16. // Respect the jersey.Championship and race leader jerseys must only be worn if you’ve won the championship or led the race.
  17. // Team kit is for members of the team.Wearing Pro team kit is also questionable if you’re not paid to wear it.  If you must fly the colors of Pro teams, all garments should match perfectly, i.e no Mapei jersey with Kelme shorts and Telekom socks.
  18. // Know what to wear. Don’t suffer kit confusion.No baggy shorts and jerseys while riding the road bike. No lycra when riding the mountain bike (unless racing XC). Skin suits only for cyclocross.
  19. // Introduce Yourself.If you deem it appropriate to join a group of riders who are not part of an open group ride and who are not your mates, it is customary and courteous to announce your presence. Introduce yourself and ask if you may join the group. If you have been passed by a group, wait for an invitation, introduce yourself, or let them go. The silent joiner is viewed as ill-mannered and Anti-V. Conversely, the joiner who can’t shut their cakehole is no better and should be dropped from the group at first opportunity.
  20. // There are only three remedies for pain.These are:

    If your quads start to burn, shift forward to use your hamstrings and calves, or

    If your calves or hamstrings start to burn, shift back to use your quads, or

    If you feel wimpy and weak, meditate on  Rule #5 and train more!

  21. // Cold weather gear is for cold weather.Knickers, vests, arm warmers, shoe covers, and caps beneath your helmet can all make you look like a hardman, when the weather warrants their use. If it isn’t wet or cold, save your Flandrian Best for Flemish weather.
  22. // Cycling caps are for cycling.Cycling caps can be worn under helmets, but never when not riding, no matter how hip you think you look. This will render one a douche, and should result in public berating or beating. The only time it is acceptable to wear a cycling cap is while directly engaged in cycling activities and while clad in cycling kit. This includes activities taking place prior to and immediately after the ride such as machine tuning and tire pumping.  Also included are cafe appearances for pre-ride espressi and post-ride pub appearances for body-refueling ales (provided said pub has sunny, outdoor patio – do not stray inside a pub wearing kit or risk being ceremoniously beaten by leather-clad biker chicks).   Under these conditions, having your cap skull-side tipped jauntily at a rakish angle is, one might say, de rigueur. All good things must be taken in measure, however, and as such it is critical that we let sanity and good taste prevail: as long as the first sip of the relevant caffeine or hop-based beverage is taken whilst beads of sweat, snow, or rain are still evident on one’s brow then it is legitimate for the cap to be worn. However, once all that remains in the cranial furrows is salt, it is then time to shower, throw on some suitable aprés-ride attire (a woollen Molteni Arcore training top circa ’73 comes to mind) and return to the bar, folded copy of pastel-coloured news publication in hand, ready for formal fluid replacement. It is also helpful if you are a Giant of the Road, as demonstrated here, rather than a giant douchebag. 5
  23. // Tuck only after reaching Escape Velocity.You may only employ the aerodynamic tuck after you have spun out your 53 x 11; the tuck is to be engaged only when your legs can no longer keep up. Your legs make you go fast, and trying to keep your fat ass out of the wind only serves to keep you from slowing down once you reach escape velocity. Thus, the tuck is only to be employed to prevent you slowing down when your legs have wrung the top end out of your block. Tucking prematurely while descending is the antithesis of Casually Deliberate. For more on riding fast downhill see Rule #64 and Rule #85.
  24. // Speeds and distances shall be referred to and measured in kilometers. This includes while discussing cycling in the workplace with your non-cycling coworkers, serving to further mystify our sport in the web of their Neanderthalic cognitive capabilities. As the confused expression spreads across their unibrowed faces, casually mention your shaved legs. All of cycling’s monuments are measured in the metric system and as such the English system is forbidden.
  25. // The bikes on top of your car should be worth more than the car. Or at least be relatively more expensive.  Basically, if you’re putting your Huffy on your Rolls, you’re in trouble, mister. Remember what Sean said.
  26. // Make your bike photogenic.When photographing your bike, gussy her up properly for the camera. Some parameters are firm: valve stems at 6 o’clock. Cranks never at 90 or 180 degrees. Others are at your discretion, though the accepted practices include putting the chain on the big dog, and no bidons in the cages.
  27. // Shorts and socks should be like Goldilocks.Not too long and not too short. (Disclaimer: despite Sean Yates’ horrible choice in shorts length, he is a quintessential hard man of cycling and is deeply admired by the Velominati. Whereas Armstrong’s short and sock lengths are just plain wrong.) No socks is a no-no, as are those ankle-length ones that should only be worn by female tennis players.
  28. // Socks can be any damn colour you like.White is old school cool. Black is cool too, but were given a bad image by a Texan whose were too long.  If you feel you must go colored, make sure they damn well match your kit. Tip: DeFeet Wool-E-Ators rule.
  29. // No European Posterior Man-Satchels.Saddle bags have no place on a road bike, and are only acceptable on mountain bikes in extreme cases.
  30. // No frame-mounted pumps.Either Co2 cannisters or mini-pumps should be carried in jersey pockets (See Rule #31). The only exception to this rule is to mount a Silca brand frame pump in the rear triangle of the frame, with the rear wheel skewer as the pump mount nob, as demonstrated by members of the 7-Eleven and Ariostea pro cycling teams. As such, a frame pump mounted upside-down and along the left (skewer lever side) seat stay is both old skool and Euro and thus acceptable. We restate at this time that said pump may under no circumstances be a Zefal and must be made by Silca. Said Silca pump must be fitted with a Campagnolo head. It is acceptable to gaffer-tape a mini-pump to your frame when no C02 cannisters are available and your pockets are full of spare kit and energy gels. However, the rider should expect to be stopped and questioned and may be required to empty pockets to prove there is no room in them for the pump.
  31. // Spare tubes, multi-tools and repair kits should be stored in jersey pockets.If absolutely necessary, in a converted bidon in a cage on bike. Or, use one of these.
  32. // Humps are for camels: no hydration packs.Hydration packs are never to be seen on a road rider’s body. No argument will be entered into on this. For MTB, they are cool.
  33. // Shave your guns.Legs are to be carefully shaved at all times. If, for some reason, your legs are to be left hairy, make sure you can dish out plenty of hurt to shaved riders, or be considered a hippie douche on your way to a Critical Mass. Whether you use a straight razor or a Bowie knife, use Baxter to keep them smooth.
  34. // Mountain bike shoes and pedals have their place.On a mountain bike.
  35. // No visors on the road.Road helmets can be worn on mountain bikes, but never the other way around. If you want shade, see Rule #22.
  36. // Eyewear shall be cycling specific.No Aviator shades, blueblockers, or clip-on covers for eye glasses.
  37. // The arms of the eyewear shall always be placed over the helmet straps.No exceptions. This is for various reasons that may or may not matter; it’s just the way it is.
  38. // Don’t Play Leap Frog.Train Properly: if you get passed by someone, it is nothing personal, just accept that on the day/effort/ride they were stronger than you. If you can’t deal, work harder. But don’t go playing leap frog to get in front only to be taken over again (multiple times) because you can’t keep up the pace. Especially don’t do this just because the person overtaking you is a woman. Seriously. Get over it.
  39. // Never ride without your eyewear.You should not make a habit of riding without eyewear, although approved extenuating circumstances include fog, overheating, and lighting condition. When not worn over the eyes, they should be neatly tucked into the vents of your helmet.  If they don’t fit, buy a new helmet. In the meantime you can wear them backwards on the back of your head or carefully tuck them into your jersey pocket, making sure not to scratch them on your tools (see item 31).
  40. // Tires are to be mounted with the label centered over the valve stem.Pro mechanics do it because it makes it easier to find the valve. You do this because that’s the way pro mechanics do it. This will save you precious seconds while your fat ass sits on the roadside fumbling with your CO2 after a flat. It also looks better for photo opportunities. Note: This obviously only applies to clinchers as tubulars don’t give you a choice.
  41. // Quick-release levers are to be carefully positioned.Quick release angle on the front skewer shall be an upward angle which tightens just aft of the fork and the rear quick release shall tighten at an angle that bisects angle between the seat and chain stays. It is acceptable, however, to have the rear quick release tighten upward, just aft of the seat stay, when the construction of the frame or its dropouts will not allow the preferred positioning. For Time Trial bikes only, quick releases may be in the horizontal position facing towards the rear of the bike. This is for maximum aero effect.9
  42. // A bike race shall never be preceded with a swim and/or followed by a run.If it’s preceded with a swim and/or followed by a run, it is not called a bike race, it is called duathlon or a triathlon. Neither of which is a bike race. Also keep in mind that one should only swim in order to prevent drowning, and should only run if being chased. And even then, one should only run fast enough to prevent capture.
  43. // Don’t be a jackass.But if you absolutely must be a jackass, be a funny jackass. Always remember, we’re all brothers and sisters on the road.
  44. // Position matters.In order to find the V-Locus, a rider’s handlebars on their road bike must always be lower than their saddle. The only exception to this is if you’re revolutionizing the sport, in which case you must also be prepared to break the World Hour Record. The minimum allowable tolerance is 4cm; there is no maximum, but people may berate you if they feel you have them too low.
  45. // Slam your stem.A maximum stack height of 2cm is allowed below the stem and a single 5mm spacer must always – always – be stacked above. A “slammed down” stack height is preferable; meaning that the stem is positioned directly on the top race of the headset.
  46. // Keep your bars level.Handlebars will be mounted parallel to the ground or angled slightly upward. While they may never be pointed down at all, they may be angled up slightly; allowed handlebar tilt is to be between 180 and 175 degrees with respect to the level road. The brake levers will preferably be mounted such that the end of the brake lever is even with the bottom of the bar.  Modern bars, however, dictate that this may not always be possible, so tolerances are permitted within reason. Brake hoods should not approach anything near 45 degrees, as some riders with poor taste have been insisting on doing.
  47. // Drink Tripels, don’t ride triples.Cycling and beer are so intertwined we may never understand the full relationship. Beer is a recovery drink, an elixir for post-ride trash talking and a just plain excellent thing to pour down the neck. We train to drink so don’t fool around. Drink quality beer from real breweries. If it is brewed with rice instead of malted barley or requires a lime, you are off the path. Know your bittering units like you know your gear length. Life is short, don’t waste it on piss beer.
  48. // Saddles must be level and pushed back.The seating area of a saddle is to be visually level, with the base measurement made using a spirit level. Based on subtleties of saddle design and requirements of comfort, the saddle may then be pitched slightly forward or backward to reach a position that offers stability, power, and comfort. If the tilt of the saddle exceeds two degrees, you need to go get one of those saddles with springs and a thick gel pad because you are obviously a big pussy. The midpoint of the saddle as measured from tip to tail shall fall well behind and may not be positioned forward of the line made by extending the seat tube through the top of the saddle. (Also see Rule #44.)
  49. // Keep the rubber side down.It is completely unacceptable to intentionally turn one’s steed upside down for any reason under any circumstances. Besides the risk of scratching the saddle, levers and stem, it is unprofessional and a disgrace to your loyal steed. The risk of the bike falling over is increased, wheel removal/replacement is made more difficult and your bidons will leak. The only reason a bicycle should ever be in an upside down position is during mid-rotation while crashing. This Rule also applies to upside down saddle-mount roof bars.23
  50. // Facial hair is to be carefully regulated.No full beards, no moustaches. Goatees are permitted only if your name starts with “Marco” and ends with “Pantani”, or if your head is intentionally or unintentionally bald. One may never shave on the morning of an important race, as it saps your virility, and you need that to kick ass.
  51. // Livestrong wristbands are cockrings for your arms.While we hate cancer, isn’t it better to just donate some money and not have to advertise the fact for the next five years? You may as well get “tryhard wanker” tattooed on your forehead. Or you may well be a bogan.
  52. // Drink in Moderation.Bidons are to be small in size. 500-610ml maximum, no extra large vessels are to be seen on one’s machine. Two cages can be mounted, but only one bidon on rides under two hours is to be employed. Said solo bidon must be placed in the downtube cage only. You may only ride with a bidon in the rear cage if you have a front bidon, or you just handed your front bidon to a fan at the roadside and you are too busy crushing everyone to move it forward until you take your next drink. Bidons should match each other and preferably your bike and/or kit. The obvious exception is the classic Coca-Cola bidon which by default matches any bike and/or kit due to its heritage. Coca-Cola should only be consumed flat and near the end of a long ride or all-day solo breakaway on the roads of France.
  53. // Keep your kit clean and new.As a courtesy to those around you, your kit should always be freshly laundered, and, under no circumstances should the crackal region of your shorts be worn out or see-through.
  54. // No aerobars on road bikes.Aerobars or other clip-on attachments are under no circumstances to be employed on your road bike. The only exception to this is if you are competing in a mountain timetrial.
  55. // Earn your turns.If you are riding down a mountain, you must first have ridden up the mountain. It is forbidden to employ powered transportation simply for the cheap thrill of descending. The only exception to this is if you are doing intervals on Alpe d’Huez or the Plan de Corones and you park your car up top before doing 20 repeats of the climb.
  56. // Espresso or macchiato only.When wearing cycling kit and enjoying a pre or post ride coffee, it is only appropriate to drink espresso or macchiato. If the word soy/skim latte is heard to be used by a member wearing cycling apparel, then that person must be ceremonially beaten with Co2 canisters or mini pumps by others within the community.6
  57. // No stickers.Nobody gives a shit what causes you support, what war you’re against, what gear you buy, or what year you rode RAGBRAI.  See Rule #5 and ride your bike. Decals, on the other hand, are not only permissible, but extremely Pro.
  58. // Support your local bike shop.Never buy bikes, parts or accessories online. Going into your local shop, asking myriad inane questions, tying up the staff’s time, then going online to buy is akin to sleeping with your best friend’s wife, then having a beer with him after. If you do purchase parts online, be prepared to mount and maintain them yourself. If you enter a shop with parts you have bought online and expect them to fit them, be prepared to be told to see your online seller for fitting and warranty help.
  59. // Hold your line.Ride predictably, and don’t make sudden movements. And, under no circumstances, are you to deviate from your line.
  60. // Ditch the washer-nut and valve-stem cap.You are not, under any circumstances, to employ the use of the washer-nut and valve-stem cap that come with your inner-tubes or tubulars. They are only supplied to meet shipping regulations. They are useless when it comes to tubes and tires.
  61. // Like your guns, saddles should be smooth and hard.Under no circumstances may your saddle have more than 3mm of padding. Special allowances will be made for stage racing when physical pain caused by subcutaneous cysts and the like (“saddle sores”) are present. Under those conditions, up to 5mm of padding will be allowed – it should be noted that this exception is only temporary until the condition has passed or been excised. A hardman would not change their saddle at all but instead cut a hole in it to relieve pressure on the delicate area. It is noted that if Rule #48 and/or Rule #5 is observed then any “padding” is superfluous.7
  62. // You shall not ride with earphones.Cycling is about getting outside and into the elements and you don’t need to be listening to Queen or Slayer in order to experience that. Immerse yourself in the rhythm and pain, not in whatever 80’s hair band you call “music”.   See Rule #5 and ride your bike.8
  63. // Point in the direction you’re turning.Signal a left turn by pointing your left arm to the left. To signal a right turn, simply point with your right arm to the right. This one is, presumably, mostly for Americans: that right-turn signal that Americans are taught to make with your left arm elbow-out and your forearm pointing upwards was developed for motor-vehicles prior to the invention of the electric turn signal since it was rather difficult to reach from the driver-side all the way out the passenger-side window to signal a right turn. On a bicycle, however, we don’t have this limitation and it is actually quite easy to point your right arm in the direction you are turning. The American right-turn signal just makes you look like you’re waving “hello” to traffic.
  64. // Cornering confidence increases with time and experience.This pattern continues until it falls sharply and suddenly.
  65. // Maintain and respect your machine.Bicycles must adhere to the Principle of Silence and as such must be meticulously maintained. It must be cherished, and when leaning it against a wall, must be leaned carefully such that only the bars, saddle, or tires come in contact with the wall or post.  This is true even when dismounting prior to collapsing after the World Championship Time Trial. No squeaks, creaks, or chain noise allowed. Only the soothing hum of your tires upon the tarmac and the rhythm of your breathing may be audible when riding. When riding the Pave, the sound of chain slap is acceptable. The Principle of Silence can be extended to say that if you are suffering such that your breathing begins to adversely affect the enjoyment of the other riders in the bunch, you are to summarily sit up and allow yourself to be dropped.10
  66. // No  mirrors.Mirrors are allowed on your (aptly named) Surly Big Dummy or your Surly Long Haul Trucker. Not on your road steed. Not on your Mountain bike. Not on your helmet. If someone familiar with The Rules has sold you such an abomination, return the mirror and demand a refund, plus interest and damages.
  67. // Do your time in the wind.Nobody likes a wheel sucker. You might think you’re playing a smart tactical game by letting everyone else do the work while you sit on, but races (even Town Sign Sprints) are won through cooperation and spending time on the rivet, flogging yourself and taking risks. Riding wheels and jumping past at the end is one thing and one thing only: poor sportsmanship.
  68. // Rides are to be measured by quality, not quantity.Rides are to be measured by the quality of their distance and never by distance alone. For climbing rides, distances should be referred to by the amount of vertical covered; flat and rolling rides should be referred to by their distance and average speed. For example, declaring “We rode 4km” would assert that 4000m were climbed during the ride, with the distance being irrelevant. Conversely, a flat ride of 150km at 23kmh is not something that should be discussed in an open forum and Rule #5 must be reviewed at once.7
  69. // Cycling shoes and bicycles are made for riding.Any walking conducted while wearing cycling shoes must be strictly limited. When taking a slash or filling bidons during a 200km ride (at 38kmh, see Rule #68) one is to carefully stow one’s bicycle at the nearest point navigable by bike and walk the remaining distance. It is strictly prohibited that under any circumstances a cyclist should walk up a steep incline, with the obvious exception being when said incline is blocked by riders who crashed because you are on the Koppenberg. For clarification, see Rule #5.7
  70. // The purpose of competing is to win.End of. Any reference to not achieving this should be referred immediately to Rule #5.11
  71. // Train Properly.Know how to train properly and stick to your training plan. Ignore other cyclists with whom you are not intentionally riding. The time for being competitive is not during your training rides, but during competition.
  72. // Legs speak louder than words.Unless you routinely demonstrate your riding superiority and the smoothness of your Stroke, refrain from discussing your power meter, heartrate, or any other riding data.  Also see Rule #74.
  73. // Gear and brake cables should be cut to optimum length.Cables should create a perfect arc around the headtube and, whenever possible, cross under the downtube. Right shifter cable should go to the left cable stop and vice versa.
  74. // V Meters or small computers only.Forego the data and ride on feel; little compares to the pleasure of riding as hard as your mind will allow. Learn to read your body, meditate on Rule #5, and learn to push yourself to your limit. Power meters, heart rate monitors and GPS are bulky, ugly and superfluous. Any cycle computer, if deemed necessary, should be simple, small, mounted on the stem and wireless.
  75. // Race numbers are for races.Remove it from your frame before the next training ride because no matter how cool you think it looks, it does not look cool. Unless you are in a race. In which case it looks cool.
  76. // Helmets are to be hung from your stem.When not worn, helmets are to be clipped to the stem and draped over your handlebars thusly.
  77. // Respect the earth; don’t litter.Cycling is not an excuse to litter. Do not throw your empty gel packets, energy bar wrappers or punctured tubes on the road or in the bush. Stuff em in your jersey pockets, and repair that tube when you get home.12
  78. // Remove unnecessary gear.When racing in a criterium of 60 minutes or less the second (unused) water bottle cage must be removed in order to preserve the aesthetic of the racing machine.13
  79. // Fight for your town lines.Town lines must be contested or at least faked if you’re not in to it or too shagged to do anything but pedal the bike.
  80. // Always be Casually Deliberate.Waiting for others pre-ride or at the start line pre-race, you must be tranquilo, resting on your top tube thusly. This may be extended to any time one is aboard the bike, but not riding it, such as at stop lights.15
  81. // Don’t talk it up.Rides and crashes may only be discussed and recounted in detail when the rider required external assistance in recovery or recuperation. Otherwise refer to Rule #5.
  82. // Close the gap.Whilst riding in cold and/or  Rule #9 conditions replete with arm warmers, under no circumstances is there to be any exposed skin between the hems of your kit and the hems of your arm warmers. If this occurs, you either need to wear a kit that fits you properly or increase the size of your guns. Arm warmers may, however, be shoved to the wrists in Five and Dime scenarios, particularly those involving Rule #9 conditions. The No-Gap Principle also applies to knee and leg warmers with the variation that these are under no circumstances to be scrunched down around the ankles; Merckx have mercy on whomever is caught in such a sad, sorry state. It is important to note that while one can wear arm warmers without wearing knee or leg warmers, one cannot wear knee or leg warmers without wearing arm warmers (or a long sleeve jersey). It is completely inappropriate to have uncovered arms, while covering the knees, with the exception of brief periods of time when the arm warmers may be shoved to the wrists while going uphill in a Five and Dime situation. If the weather changes and one must remove a layer, the knee/leg coverings must go before the arm coverings. If that means that said rider must take off his knee or leg warmers while racing, then this is a skill he must be accomplished in. The single exception would be before an event in which someone plans on wearing neither arm or leg warmers while racing, but would like to keep the legs warm before the event starts; though wearing a long sleeve jersey over the racing kit at this time is also advised. One must not forget to remove said leg warmers. 16
  83. // Be self-sufficient.Unless you are followed by a team car, you will repair your own punctures. You will do so expediently, employing your own skills, using your own equipment, and without complaining that your expensive tyres are too tight for your puny thumbs to fit over your expensive rim. The fate of a rider who has failed to equip himself pursuant to Rule #31, or who knows not how to use said equipment, shall be determined at the discretion of any accompanying or approaching rider in accordance with Rule #84.17
  84. // Follow the Code.Consistently with The Code Of The Domestique, the announcement of a flat tyre in a training ride entitles – but does not oblige – all riders then present in the bunch to cease riding without fear of being labelled Pussies. All stopped riders are thereupon entitled – but not obliged – to lend assistance, instruction and/or stringent criticism of the tyre mender’s technique. The duration of a Rule #84 stop is entirely discretionary, but is generally inversely proportional to the duration of the remaining time available for post-ride espresso.17
  85. // Descend like a Pro.All descents shall be undertaken at speeds commonly regarded as “ludicrous” or “insane” by those less talented. In addition all corners will be traversed in an outside-inside-outside trajectory, with the outer leg extended and the inner leg canted appropriately (but not too far as to replicate a motorcycle racer, for you are not one), to assist in balance and creation of an appealing aesthetic. Brakes are generally not to be employed, but if absolutely necessary, only just prior to the corner. Also see Rule #64.18
  86. // Don’t half-wheel.Never half-wheel your riding partners; it’s terrible form – it is always the other guy who sets the pace. Unless, of course, you are on the rivet, in which case it’s an excellent intimidation technique.22
  87. // The Ride Starts on Time. No exceptions.The upside of always leaving on time is considerable. Others will be late exactly once. You signal that the sanctity of this ride, like all rides, is not something with which you should muck. You demonstrate, not with words but with actions, your commitment. As a bonus, you make more time for post-ride espresso. “On Time”, of course, is taken to mean at V past the hour or half hour.
  88. // Don’t surge.When rolling onto the front to take your turn in the wind, see Rule #67, do not suddenly lift the pace unless trying to establish a break. The key to maintaining a high average speed is to work with your companions and allow no gaps to form in the line. It is permissible to lift the pace gradually and if this results in people being dropped then they have been ridden off your wheel and are of no use to the bunch anyway. If you are behind someone who jumps on the pedals when they hit the front do not reprimand the offender with cries of ‘Don’t Surge’ unless the offender is a Frenchman named Serge.
  89. // Pronounce it Correctly.All races shall be referred to by the name given in its country of origin, and care shall be taken to pronounce the name as well as possible. For Belgian Races, it is preferable to choose the name given in its region of origin, though it is at the speaker’s discretion to use either the Flemish or Wallonian pronunciation. This principle shall also be extended to apply to riders’ names, bicycle and component marquees, and cycling accoutrements.
  90. // Never Get Out of the Big Ring.If it gets steeper, just push harder on the pedals. When pressed on the matter, the Apostle Johan Museeuw simply replied, “Yes, why would you slow down?” It is, of course, acceptable to momentarily shift into the inner ring when scaling the 20% ramps of the Kapelmuur.
  91. // No Food On Training Rides Under Four Hours.This one also comes from the Apostle, Johan Museeuw, who said to @frank: “Yes, no food on rides under four hours. You need to lose some weight.” Or, as Fignon put it, sometimes, when we train, we simply have to go out to meet the Man with the Hammer. The exception is, of course, hard rides over two hours and races. Also, if you’re planning on being out for more than four hours, start eating before you get hungry. This also applies to energy drink supplements.
  92. // No Sprinting From the HoodsThe only exception is riders whose name starts with Guiseppe and ends with Saronni. See the Goodwood Worlds in 82.24
  93. // Descents are not for recovery. Recovery Ales are for RecoveryDescents are meant to be as hard and demanding as – and much more dangerous than – the climbs. Climb hard, descend to close a gap or open one. Descents should hurt, not be a time for recovery. Recovery is designated only for the pub and for shit-talking.25
  94. // Use the correct tool for the job, and use the tool correctly.Bicycle maintenance is an art; tools are designed to serve specific purposes, and it is essential that the Velominatus learns to use each tool properly when working on their loyal machine.
  95. // Never lift your bike over your head.Under no circumstances is it acceptable to raise one’s machine above your head. The only exception is when placing it onto a car’s roof-rack.

Posts related to The Rules may be found here.

Submit your suggestions in the posts, or via email here.

Credits

1 Thanks to Geof for this submission.
2 Stijn Devolder on Rule #5, in defense of staying in Belgium when his teammates went off to train in sunny Spain: “It is not so cold that you freeze on to your bike. You go from a temperature of zero (Celsius) to minus one and you’re not dead; It hardens your character.”
3 It is possible for experts to mix these matching guidelines successfully without breaking The Rules.  This is a very risky undertaking and can yield unpredictable results.  Proceed carefully and, if in doubt, run your configuration by the Keepers for approval.
4 Famous quote by Greg LeMond, hardman and American Cycling legend. Greg Henderson quote courtesy of Neil. (Incidentally, it does not matter how fast you go, but you may never give up.)
5 Thanks to James for his sound input on modifying this submission from it’s original draft which read, “An exception to wearing a cap when not riding is: If you have a soigneur (you don’t) and he places the cap on your head after you’ve just won a mountain top finish or soloed into the velodrome (you haven’t).”
6 Thanks to Rob for this submission.
7 Thanks to Rob (different from Rob in 6) for this submission.
8 Thanks to Saul at Speedy Reedy for this submission.
9 Thanks to BarryRoubaix for the astute observation regarding Time Trial Bikes.
10Thanks to Souleur for the astute observation regarding the Principle of Silence.
11 Thanks to Charlie for this addition.
12 Thanks to Jarvis and Steampunk for their tidy ways.
13 Thanks to Cyclops for this sensibly aesthetic addition.
15 Thanks to SupermanSam via our friends at CyclingTipsBlog.
16 Thanks to Rusty Tool Shed and Reid Beloni for assistance in helping craft the language of this Rule.
17 Thanks to Karim for this most accurate contribution.
18 Thanks to SterlingMatt for this most accurate contribution.
21 There are variants of this story, including one which is more likely to be the actual way this story unfolded, which goes that Sean Kelly is met by his wife after a the ’84 Amstel Gold Race and they get in his Citroen AX: “Ah, Sean” says his beloved wife, “in your life the car comes first, then the bike, then me.” “You got the order wrong,” Kelly scowls, “the bike comes first.” Thanks to Oli Brooke-White for helping sort out the details of the story.
22 Thanks to David Ezzy for this excellent contribution and fantastic ride out to Kaupo and back.
23 Thanks to Donnie Bugno for this most accurate contribution.
24 Thanks to Robert Millar – yes the Robert Millar for filling this most glaring omission.
25 Thanks to @urbanwhitetrash for the submission.

12,462 Replies to “The Rules”

  1. @unversio

    @Fexnix

    I don’t know if this already has been posted here, but it seems like the last rule of Team Sky’s Rider Rules is a direct reference to The Rules.

    An universal extra rule that applies to any set of rules.

    Any linguists kicking around?  I believe “universal” has a glide at the beginning, necessitating using the  “a” form.

  2. @DerHoggz

    @unversio

    @Fexnix

    I don’t know if this already has been posted here, but it seems like the last rule of Team Sky’s Rider Rules is a direct reference to The Rules.

    An universal extra rule that applies to any set of rules.

    Any linguists kicking around? I believe “universal” has a glide at the beginning, necessitating using the “a” form.

    A universal peeve that affects any grammarian.

  3. @DerHoggz

    Any linguists kicking around? I believe “universal” has a glide at the beginning, necessitating using the “a” form.

    A fine gesture of gratuitous pedantry. It inspires me to keep an eye peeled for the monarchist penchant for putting quotation marks inside periods (periods, I say) and commas.

  4. Simply desire to say your article is as astounding. The clarity to your submit is just spectacular and i could suppose you’re a professional on this subject. Well together with your permission let me to seize your RSS feed to stay updated with forthcoming post. Thanks one million and please continue the enjoyable work.

  5. @Stig Bordsenius

    A comment to Rule #62 , there should be ONE exception here. If you listen to Kraftwerks album “Tour de france”, or any remix of the single from 1983 this is allowed. Kraftwerk is famous for riding all the etapes of tour de france right after the competitors, and is quite possibly the only band that has almost split up because of too much cycling. In the 70″²ies and 80″²ies they got of the band-bus about 150 km from the place they where playing their next gig, and did the rest on their bikes.

    If you get mauled to death by a rabid dog, or a monkey, it is quite ok as long as you listen to lyrics that go:

    The hell of the north: Paris – Roubaix
    The Cote d’Azur and Saint Tropez
    The Alps and the Pyrennees
    Last stage Champs-Elysees
    Galibier and Tourmalet
    Dancing even on the top
    Bicycling at high gear
    Final sprint at the finish
    Flat tire on the paving stones
    The bicycle is repaired quickly
    The peloton is regrouped
    Comrades and friendship

    I am not sure this necessitates any rule exemptions but it is definitely worth a bump and a recommendation!

  6. @Stig Bordsenius

    and is quite possibly the only band that has almost split up because of too much cycling. In the 70″²ies and 80″²ies they got of the band-bus about 150 km from the place they where playing their next gig, and did the rest on their bikes.

    Cool. I don’t hate them as much anymore. That’s a great reason for a band break up. He fookin’ shaves his legs and he is too knackered to do a sound check because he rode 140 km to the gig, again.

  7. @JohnB

    This time?

    OK, that was worth the wait. Fantastic cake man, someone has some mad skills. Shame almost to cut it up and stuff it in your face.

  8. @Gianni Thats how I felt but it is delicious. Made by a local baker working from a photo. The orange and black theme of the table set it off nicely. Brought a tear to my eye as the VMH tended to be a bit dismissive of the V community or ‘that club’. Now she gets it.

    In the past couple days I’ve become afflicted with labyrinthitis and off the bike for a while so I can happily finish off the remnants while thinking of long miles in the coming weeks to work it back off again.

  9. A seriously good read, but I’d like to suggest a Rule regarding full length zips on jerseys.

    “Full length zips may ONLY EVER be fully unzipped if someone has previously painted your name on a road, and is currently chasing you up it, dressed in a ‘Man-kini’, waving a cow bell.”

    Apart from that minor omission – pretty much spot on!

  10. @Danny Martin

    A seriously good read, but I’d like to suggest a Rule regarding full length zips on jerseys.

    “Full length zips may ONLY EVER be fully unzipped if someone has previously painted your name on a road, and is currently chasing you up it, dressed in a ‘Man-kini’, waving a cow bell.”

    Apart from that minor omission – pretty much spot on!

    That’s a good ‘un. We will take it up at the next corporate retreat. Who knew the Borat man-kini would have such a long life. It still makes me smile when I see a few of these nutters waiting on an alpine pass in their green man-kinis. Bold. Maybe alcohol is involved.

  11. @PeakInTwoYears

    @DerHoggz

    Any linguists kicking around? I believe “universal” has a glide at the beginning, necessitating using the “a” form.

    A fine gesture of gratuitous pedantry. It inspires me to keep an eye peeled for the monarchist penchant for putting quotation marks inside periods (periods, I say) and commas.

    I had just been in an in depth discussion on another forum about that, I may have forgotten it wasn’t on here.  I have been known to occasionally put punctuation outside of quotation marks.

  12. @Danny Martin

    A seriously good read, but I’d like to suggest a Rule regarding full length zips on jerseys.

    “Full length zips may ONLY EVER be fully unzipped if someone has previously painted your name on a road, and is currently chasing you up it, dressed in a ‘Man-kini’, waving a cow bell.”

    Apart from that minor omission – pretty much spot on!

    I like the sentiment but, can I suggest a slight amendment to that to read:

    “Full length zips may ONLY EVER be fully unzipped on roads on which names have been painted and men dressed in man-kinis regularly chase pros whilst waving a cow bell.”

    We all have to dream, don’t we? And we’re much more likely to overheat going over the Tourmalet than Nibbles or Quintana.

  13. @Danny Martin

    A seriously good read, but I’d like to suggest a Rule regarding full length zips on jerseys.

    “Full length zips may ONLY EVER be fully unzipped if someone has previously painted your name on a road, and is currently chasing you up it, dressed in a ‘Man-kini’, waving a cow bell.”

    Apart from that minor omission – pretty much spot on!

    Strong effort but completely unacceptable as-is. Looking Pro is half the battle of Looking Fantastic, and climbing while laying down the V with jersey unzipped is oh-so-Pro.

    That said, if you’re climbing with your jersey unzipped you had better be going fast enough that it is actually moving away from your sides. Furthermore, you had better be able to sit up at the top and casually reach back to the open ends of your jersey (without looking down), bring the ends together in a smooth arc, engage the zipper and pull it up in one fluid motion, exhibiting a fully casually deliberate nature at all times.

    If you need to stop to zip up, you are required to return your jersey from whence it was purchased and exchange it for a set of training wheels.

  14. @DerHoggz

    @PeakInTwoYears

    @DerHoggz

    Any linguists kicking around? I believe “universal” has a glide at the beginning, necessitating using the “a” form.

    A fine gesture of gratuitous pedantry. It inspires me to keep an eye peeled for the monarchist penchant for putting quotation marks inside periods (periods, I say) and commas.

    I had just been in an in depth discussion on another forum about that, I may have forgotten it wasn’t on here. I have been known to occasionally put punctuation outside of quotation marks.

    In my book, a United Statesian who intentionally does “this”, just to fuck with other pedants, is playing to win in the Game of Trolls.

  15. @frank

    If you need to stop to zip up, you are required to return your jersey from whence it was purchased and exchange it for a set of training wheels.

    Or for any of this?

  16. So we should carry tubes, multi tools, puncture kits and pumps in our pockets. That wouldn’t be a problem IF I didn’t ever need to eat, not to even mention storing arm warmers, gloves or wind vests.

    I’ll opt for a small saddle bag in order to avoid looking like the hunchback of Notre-Dam.

  17. The Casually Deliberate re-zippering can get quite fun, and a bit animated, when your jersey has the zipper on the “Euro” side (or whatever one your not used to it being on) and instead of cool smoothness your front wheel turns just enough and you have to give yourself a stern talking to for being a dick, after you feverishly grab for the bars.

  18. hi frank,

    first, happy new year and thanks for the rules.

    second, if i may, suggest that some rule needs to be written about not wear any underwear under your bib. i have been helping out with quite a few newbie converts and today i got a “it was not the in the rules”. yes, i make them read the rules.

    and thanks for some great reads.

    best regards.

  19. @Jamie

    @darthtoffee Some rules do not need to be written down.

    Not so sure. Read an article in an Aust. cycling mag. Through the line of vehicles ahead the author could see strange orange spot bouncing around with group of cyclists. On approaching group he saw that it was the chamois lining on the outside of someone’s knicks.

  20. @markpa

    @Jamie

    @darthtoffee Some rules do not need to be written down.

    Not so sure. Read an article in an Aust. cycling mag. Through the line of vehicles ahead the author could see strange orange spot bouncing around with group of cyclists. On approaching group he saw that it was the chamois lining on the outside of someone’s knicks.

    Someone must have lost a bet…

  21. @Ron

    The Casually Deliberate re-zippering can get quite fun, and a bit animated, when your jersey has the zipper on the “Euro” side (or whatever one your not used to it being on) and instead of cool smoothness your front wheel turns just enough and you have to give yourself a stern talking to for being a dick, after you feverishly grab for the bars.

    Interesting.  Euro clothing has the zipper on the same side as North American clothing.  Women’s clothing however has the zipper on the other side…

  22. I have a question that might be a Rule #25 or maybe Rule #49 combination/clarification.

    I saw a roof rack mounted bike, and the bike was pointed backwards.  This seemed to defy all that was right about one’s road machine.  Much like flipping it over to perform whatever tire change you might attempt, putting it on your roof rack, pointed in the opposite direction of which the vehicle will travel, it just feels wrong.

  23. Is this Rule #66 compliant – no mirrors on your bike, no mirrors on your helmet?

    Useful for checking if your nemesis is sneaking up on you without turning around.

    you would need one for each arm. Perhaps we could have Velominati logoed versions?

    “stylish and practical”

    might be good for my tennis elbow too.

  24. @Rom

    Is this Rule #66 compliant – no mirrors on your bike, no mirrors on your helmet?

    Useful for checking if your nemesis is sneaking up on you without turning around.

    you would need one for each arm. Perhaps we could have Velominati logoed versions?

    “stylish and practical”

    might be good for my tennis elbow too.

    Rule #66 seems to be pretty clear to me: “No Mirrors”. But I think this may also conflict with Rule #7. And let’s not distract @Frank with V-logoed versions of this, at least until we get V-caps (not hats).

  25. @Rom  mirrors, while making all kinds of common sence, have yet to work in all circumstances. Therefor when you start to rely on them they let you down at just the wrong time/angle. Ok, I’m just giving you what they say I’ve never used any and unless I get a fused vertebra or the pros start using one (in that circumstance it will be bullet proof because like the switch to look pedals in the 80’s no one will lose a race with one) there seems no need.

    Why do folks want a mirror? Because they lack skills that make having one needless. Get those skills (not saying you Rom). Learn to ride a straight line then add turning your head in both directions still online. Practice. Practice more then get creative, right hand bend in the road look over your right shoulder. Look between your legs when your out of the saddle, look under you elbow when your flat out and low, look more than you need so that It becomes second nature. Lastly if your too stiff then stretching  is now part of your training!

    Rant over, test on Monday.

    P.S. it’s NOT stylish and would be hell in a pace line, end.

  26. I have to add that as mirrors go this one does seem to be better than the rest for Joe six pack. For the casual rider this IS probably a good idea. But if you are on this forum and doing what you should be doing then not so much!

  27. So it’s basically a makeup compact strapped to your arm? Now I can touch up my face without stopping.

  28. @VeloSix

    I have a question that might be a Rule #25 or maybe Rule #49 combination/clarification.

    I saw a roof rack mounted bike, and the bike was pointed backwards. This seemed to defy all that was right about one’s road machine. Much like flipping it over to perform whatever tire change you might attempt, putting it on your roof rack, pointed in the opposite direction of which the vehicle will travel, it just feels wrong.

    I always mount my roof racks this way. Two significant reasons;

    1. Bugs and road debris hit the rear trye and back of the seatpost predominantly. Not the front of the bike. Ergo you have a relative clean bike to ride without squashed insects to stick your hands in.

    2.  When you drive into your garage/carport (and you will!!!, eventually) it is the rear wheel that takes the brunt of the force. This will often result in the rack being forced off the roof rails with little or no damage to the bike. The alternative is often very messy and expensive.

    Trust me, I have direct experience.

  29. @pistard

    So it’s basically a makeup compact strapped to your arm? Now I can touch up my face without stopping.

    That will help you look fantastic at all times.

  30. @Jamie

    @markpa

    @Jamie

    @darthtoffee Some rules do not need to be written down.

    Not so sure. Read an article in an Aust. cycling mag. Through the line of vehicles ahead the author could see strange orange spot bouncing around with group of cyclists. On approaching group he saw that it was the chamois lining on the outside of someone’s knicks.

    Someone must have lost a bet…

    Got dressed in the dark one morning to go meet a friend for a ride.  Stopped in Starbucks for some breakfast and noticed I had a baboon butt.  thank god I had a chance to tuen them right side out before meeting my buddy or I would never hear the end of it.

  31. An alternative view of ‘the rules’ – by Mrs W

    1.       Obey the rules

    Your dedicated and cycling mad partner can quote ‘the rules’ verbatim.  This means they are (a) a very keen cyclist (b) have probably been cycling for many years and (c) enjoy quoting ‘the rules’ to their cycling friends as evidence of hard core, bad ass, cycle awesomeness. Particularly Rule #5.  This is the answer to everything, but when quoted back to them on a rainy, cold, windswept shocker of a day, for some reason is not found to be in the least bit amusing.

    2.       Lead by example

    The competitive streak in your partner will manifest itself as wanting to tell all their cycling friends that they are ‘definitely up for going out tomorrow for a 100 miler’ even though the weather forecast is atrocious and they have just got over a cold/dislocated shoulder/twisted knee/in-growing toenail and have had a long week at work and are really tired and could do with a rest day really.   This show of ‘leading by example’ is hard core and comes with the added bonus that it can be boasted about at length later on Strava when everyone else has spent the day in front of the telly, eating biscuits and watching re-runs of last years TDF.

     3.       Guide the uninitiated (in the rules)

    Self-flagellation is the hallmark of a keen cyclist and they delight in quoting the rules and reminding all who will listen that they were tempted to break them, but didn’t and it nearly killed them, but they stuck with it anyway despite 4 punctures in 20 miles and it was -20 degrees c and their fingers nearly dropped off due to frostbite and then they hit a huge pothole and fell off and they had a hole in their shoe which let in water….but they still stuck to the rules and so should you if you want to be bad ass.

     4.       It’s all about the bike

    The bike is something to be venerated and loved and tinkered with for hours and adjusted and added to with lighter bits of kit and taken on holiday and if possible kept in the house and hung on the wall as ‘art’ and occasionally even ridden, but only on dry days and on wet days it will be polished, cleaned and lubed before being put safely to bed.

     5.       Harden the F*** up

    Your cycling partner will tell you that it’s OK to ‘do a Graham Obree’ from time to time, but they only earn that right if they have proved their mettle month in and month out, all year and in all weathers, at all hours for mile after relentless mile.  Before they go out, you will listen to how cold/wet/windy it is going to be…when they come back you will listen to how cold/wet/windy it was and for each ride subsequently no ride will have ever been as bad as ‘that day I forced myself to go out in sub-zero temperatures and I nearly died because it was so cold that I couldn’t feel my toes’.

     6.       Free your mind and your legs will follow

    The keen cyclists mind does not have a lot of space to free up – the part that is not concentrating on cycling from A to B is thinking about claiming Strava KOM’s,  what bargain can be bought next in the upcoming Wiggle sale, which Rapha outfit goes with which frame colour, when the next race/Sportif/charity ride/challenge can be applied for, how long before the next TDF is on and working out how it can all be watched live and fitted around work and how much they ‘admire’ Victoria Pendleton/Chris Hoy/Bradley Wiggins/Chris Froome and Laura Trott’s thighs.

     7.       Tan lines should be cultivated and kept razor sharp

    Your partner will apply fake tan liberally to give the impression that they are a keener cyclist then they actually are (they may ask you to supply appropriate lotions for their use as they don’t want to be seen in the shop buying it for themselves), body parts may be shaved to enhance tan lines,  lycra cycle shorts and short sleeve tops will be worn all year around to facilitate crisp tan lines – particularly on holiday and on the beach – and you can be sure that they will take serious offence when you are crying with laughter and pointing a camera at them saying ‘it’s hilarious, let me take a picture, I promise I won’t show anyone else, it’s just between us, honest….’

     8.       Saddles, bars and tyres should be carefully matched

    The importance and amount of thought that goes into the look of the bike (see Rule #4) is not to be under estimated.  There are endless colour combinations that can be applied to bike parts and compared to other cyclist’s bike parts and then changed because they are not quite right or Cycling Weekly/The Cyclist says that’s old hat or XXX had that on his bike last season and they don’t want to be associated with them anymore because of a dubious routine drug test result.

     9.       If you are out riding in bad weather it means you are bad ass

    Keen cyclists live, eat, breathe and sleep weather forecasts.  Their whole life is planned around the weather and so, if found out on the bike in bad weather, it is (a) because they enjoy self-flagellation (see Rule #3) and want to tell all their cycling friends how cold/wet/muddy they got on the ride today, but they were bad ass enough to be out in it anyway or (b) they are really bad at understanding weather forecasts.

     10.   It never gets easier, you just go faster

    Keen cyclists always push themselves to go longer, harder, stronger, faster, further – this is in their DNA. You will hear them discussing their rides at length with their friends, comparing routes and altitudes and road surfaces and best views and where the best cafe was.  The only point of interest to be gleaned from this is that if you listen carefully at the right points, you can find out where to get the best cappuccino and carrot cake.

     11.   Family does not come first. The bike does

    You will be told that family comes first and your cycling partner does genuinely mean that when present in the room and gazing into your eyes.  However, deep, deep down you know that if tested and forced to choose, you cannot be certain that they may not have to give that family wedding a miss because ‘I promised the guys I would do the ride months ago and I can’t let them down and it’s a once in a lifetime opportunity and anyway I’ll never be this fit again….’

     12.   The correct number of bikes to own is n+1.

    N+1 or S-1 is a fine balancing act to achieve.  The latest bike is always the best bike your partner has ever owned, and the only bike they have ever wanted, and the lightest bike on the market and the best bargain of all time.  Then the garage/shed/hallway is full and that old thing (last year’s model) ‘can be sold for parts as it has been downgraded from third best spare, wet weather bike and anyway I have my fixie for Winter and my MTB for icy days’.

     13.   General rules on clothing….

    Your cycling partner will carefully select what to wear on the bike depending on the weather forecast (see Rule #9).  They will choose a selection of appropriate clothing from their extensive cycling wardrobe.  They will then dress, re-dress, adjust, pack a light wind gilet, put on 2 pairs of shorts, overshoes, arm warmers (oh, they forgot to put on the chest strap for the Garmin – start again), sunglasses, helmet,  ‘I think I need a warmer jacket, OK, now I’m ready’.  This, of course, will be just as bad as you getting ready and checking in the mirror a bit before you go out for the night and they will then have the gall to ask if their ass looks big in padded shorts when they are all wafer thin anyway.

  32. @Mrs W.  Katie, Katie my VMH, is that you???

    Well done but I must say that your Rule #10 line about the views is all screwed up.  What the hell is a view?  I know that I look at my guns and the tubulars humming on the road but never have noticed a view on a ride yet in 27 years.

    Kind of like the Dowager’s line from Dowtwon Abbey, “What is a weekend???”

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zhfpBW-nUWk

  33. Cue: “Honey, is that you?”

    I would, except my partner is more cycling mad than I am.

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