The Lexicon
by The Keepers / Jun 1 2009 / 102 posts
We here at the Velominati have our own set of nicknames and terms which have developed over time through our comments and correspondence. Some of these are names of landmarks or terms in cycling; others are nicknames for some of the riders in the pro peleton. While not intended to be offensive or derogatory, the nicknames in the list represent the riders’ personalities or their reputations; usually little more than a play on words, these are intended to be just a bit of fun in the sometimes too-serious world of cycling.
*Of course, names such as The Cannibal, The Badger, Mr Roubaix, Der Kaiser and Il Pirata are taken as read, and should be well enough recognised by any Velominatus to warrant their non-inclusion in this list.
A cycling disciple of the highest order.
Plural form of Velominatus.
Female Velominatus. See also: related video.
The mountain within whose fiery depths were forged The Rules.
The canon of cycling’s etiquette, compiled and maintained by yours truly.
The tough-as-nails cyclist, often spotted gliding over cobblestones or mashing up the Koppenberg in the Big Ring in all kinds of weather. This one is not ours, but it bears inclusion here since we use it so much.
The sect of Rule 5 Fundamentalists. We don’t strictly endorse their interpretation, but like the Catholics and Opus Dei, we recognize them as part of our own.
A Rule 5 Fundamentalist.
A female Rule 5 Fundamentalist.
The Fundementalist Manefesto followed by the Cognescenti.
The notion of embracing the beauty and complexity of The Rules in their entirety.
A declaration of affirmation used by a Velominatus in worship as a concluding word for prayers and hymns to the Great Gods of Cycling. (This is not to be confused with the first initial and last name of Eddy’ Merckx’s son, Axel.)
Old Velomiskrit for Rule 5 and the greater meaning it holds within the Velominati. (Pronounced “The Five”.)
An assessment of your legs and how much hurt they are capable of dishing out at any given moment. Own your guns.
That feeling you get when you see a beautiful bike.
A model of punishment wherein a competitor is sanctioned for abusing the system while still technically staying within the specific guidelines.
The Polka-Dot jersey, given in the drug-riddled King of the Mountains competition at the Tour de France.
A universal acknowledgement that one is out of form and overweight, while at the same time asserting that you are following a strict training plan and diet and that when you do peak – in two months – you will dish out pain in overwhelming proportions. See also: related video. (Thanks to Andrew)
Assertion that you are no longer too fat to climb. Also may mean to imply that you are in training and approaching form.
The assertion that you are only being passed on a climb because you are following a strict training regimen. See also: related video.
The assertion that one is overweight and will not be able to climb well. See also: related video. (Thanks to Andrew)
The assertion that despite your size, you are still a reasonable climber. See also: related video. (Thanks to Steampunk)
Refusing to do any ride of substance because one is tapering to time one’s peak. See also Train Properly and I Am Nearly Peaking.
One who is always on a recovery ride everytime you go out for a spin because they ‘hit it so hard the previous day’. Of course, no one is ever with them when they actually do a hard ride. See also Train Properly. (Thanks to Souleur)
A fluoro yellow wind/shower jacket as sported by many commuting cyclists. Gets its moniker from the smugness and perceived aura of invincibility that seems to emanate from wearers of this garish garment. Also comes in sleeveless version the YVA.
Cyclists who treat their daily commute as a way to prove their manhood by wheel-sucking, or blasting past on their squeaky MTBs whilst wearing a YJA. Never says ‘hello’.
The domain of the Cycleway Hero. Only they know where the intermediate sprints, KOM and finish line is, and they are never beaten.
Using a blood-doping ring to win bike races.
The notion that your bicycle must always be quiet.
Gaffer-taping a mini-pump to your frame.
A trite and/or clichéd remark about a bike, as commonly made by CyclingNews.com technical editor, James Huang, who’s reviews are nothing but cliche-riddled re-hashs of manufacturers press release. An example of a Huangism is a statement like, “laterally stiff, vertically compliant”.
While riding on the rivet, forcing yourself to climb at your current pace “just a little higher”. Based on the scene in Star Wars where Lando Calrissian is caught by the Sarlacc‘s tentacle and the semi-blind Han Solo is about to shoot him free; Lando repeatedly yells for Han to aim, “just a little higher, just a little higher”. In the (paraphrased) words of Brad Wiggins: “You’re always a minute from cracking. So all you have to do is hold on a minute more.”
The process of gaining weight after becoming a parent due to a shift in priorities.
A spouse’s assertion that any promise made towards post-ride activity will be superseded by laying on the couch, complaining about your guns. (Thanks to Marcus)
Cunt Of The Highest Order. See also Pharmstrong, Roid Landis, Veino, Pharmstrong, Basso, Millar, Piti and Pharmstrong, depending on your perspective. (Thanks to Geof)
Wearing full matching white rainbow jersey with white rainbow bibs, and then being crapped out of the back of the bunch when the road goes uphill, as Mario Cipollini did in the 2002 Giro d’Italia.
The increasing in size of one’s gonads to gargantuan proportions when exposed to rainbows.
White cycling shoes, preferably made of patent-leather and by an Italian cobbler.
Bright yellow cycling shoes, made by the only company willing to do such a thing, Mavic.
Gasping for air whilst climbing, mouth agape, dishing out the V. (Thanks to BigRingRiding.com)
When someone is acting out of order, e.g “Butt-Hurty was really out of dish blaming the others in the break for not chasing. What a COTHO!” (Thanks to Cyclops)
Frank and Andy Schleck are like the Brothers Grimm, except instead of writing scary tales, these brothers are scary grimpeurs.
Andy Schleck
Frank Schleck
Andy Schleck
Depending on the results he produces, Cadel Evans can be good, bad, or almost good enough. This one comes from his comment at the 2010 Amstel Gold Race, “I was good, I was good, I was good and then I was bad.” Other variations of this moniker include, “Almost Good Enough Cadel”, “Not Quite Good Enough Cadel”, and his first name often is exchanged for his last name.
The result of a mixture of Rule 5 and rainbows.
A soft, stuffed Cadelephant.
Makes up for his lack of balls with an inflated sense of self-importance. Who else could it be?
Lance Armstrong, for his (and his team’s) alleged but unproven (as yet) involvement in doping throughout his career; his organization could easily have doubled as a pharmaceutical business.
Lance Armstrong…do we really have to explain it?
Alexandre Vinokourov, because he never doped, but now obliquely refers to “the dark years” of his career and insists that he is now honest and wants to prove bike races can be won without the use of the vampire tactics.
Alejandro Valverde, for his code name in Operación Puerto.
Christian Vande Velde, for his unfortunate proclivity towards falling off his bike and breaking important bits of his body. Also known as Twistin’ Banged and Felled. (Thanks to Geof)
Vladimir Karpets, who sports the world’s worst haircut.
A power-assisted Spartacus.
A homo-erotic reference to Spartacus and his “dreamy eyes”.
Brad Wiggins; do we really need to explain this one?
Brad Wiggins, though an odd evolution of the nickname starting with Twiggo going to Syrup o’ Figgo, to Syrup. We can’t control these things. We just roll with and document it.
Levi Leipheimer for his egg-shaped noggin. Plus the time it takes him to get up a hill is like waiting for an egg to boil. And like an underdone egg, Levi is soft in the centre and cracks easily.
Alberto Contador
Alberto Contador after a controversial attack on the Yellow Jersey, but then issuing a nice YouTube apology.
Alberto Contador, because when they named him, they got a few of the letters wrong. And his pistol salute stinks.
Tom Boonen, for his love of the party drugs.
Plan de Corones in Italy, a stretch of terribly steep, unpaved road where an uphill time trial takes place in the Giro d’Italia. You gotta have some stones to send a race up that bit of road.
George Hincapie. Sorry – we love you (I Heart Hincrappy) and wish you all the success in the world – but you are simply not a Hardman.
Because everyone is out to get George, always taking advantage of him and doing him wrong. Do your own chasing and shut the fuck up, George. (Thanks to Ross and his spouse)
Samuel Sanchez, because he’s dirty, and we simply couldn’t resist.
Luis Leon Sanchez.
For Damiano Cunego, the answer to this question seems to be unclear.
Too easy, but given the economic climate, it’s rather fitting.
Where old egos to to die.
Team Liquigas, because we’d hate to ride in the paceline behind one of these guys. Old El Paso should consider sponsorship.
Team Diquigiovanni, because this is how the commentators on Universal Sports pronounce it.
Tom Boonen, because he loves the white line fever.
Tyler Hamilton, first for his tendency to break bones, and then for his tendency to suck.
Tyler Hamilton (reprise) for all the shams he tried to pull…disappearing twin? Really?
Alexandre Vinokourov, for his bloodlust.
Does this really need explanation?
Or this?
Or any combination of the above…
The young, combative, cool American cyclist who won three Tours, laid down the fastest ITT in tour history, and is responsible for probably the most exciting (surely the closest) Tour of all time. RIP LeMan
The old, fat, Las Vegas style dude who’s an ego-driven has-been and likely to have a heart attack sitting on the toilet.
David Arroyo for his off the back-back on again riding style as he gallantly defended his Giro d’Italia lead.
They feed chickens hormones, don’t they?
The ‘Where’s Wally?’ of the peloton.
Heinrich Haussler for his “I’m out with an injury and thus will be going on the sauce” coping mechanism.
Mark Canvendish, because despite his formidible sprinting prowess, the kid is a bit of douchebag.
Other variations include Caven-anything disparaging you’d like to add about the little bugger-dish.
For a play on his nickname of Manx Missile and Mangina.
I think we were the first on this one, but in any case, this one also refers to Markie Mark.
Mark Renshaw for his delivery of Cavendouche to the line. (AKA ‘Butts’).
The Belgian JaJa (or is that GaGa?).
Daniel Navarro (AKA Perry Farrell).
The collective Schlecks.
Tony Martin, the lovechild of Tony Curtis and Dean Martin. (Thanks to Jarvis)
Denis Menchov, for his hide until the time trial methods of getting a Tour podium.
Robert Gesink.
Because you never know if he’s gonna suck, crash, or crush.
Yauheni Hutarovich, for his sprint from obscurity to a GT stage winner. (Thanks to Dermot K)
The majority of these terms were coined by the Velominati or one of our readers, but for those terms which we have borrowed, we endeavored to give credit where credit is due. If we missed you, please let us know and we’ll give you your well-deserved props.
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Pipo Pot-Belge-zzato?
Tomeke “It’s Legal In Holland” Boonen?
Excuses: I’ve got a wicked Breukink in my Van Hooydonck*
*credited to Lary “Fabio” Ball(dato)
Christian Banged-and-Felled ? The poor guy just cannot get a break (as it were).
@Geof
Brilliant! Added!
Belgian Cocktail: A concoction of amphetamines, caffeine, cocaine and heroin that is injected into the arm. Breaking the Chain by Willy Voet
Good to see Contador’s pistol get whipped!
@krx10
My family always refers to that as “frites”. Added.
Cerveso. A hopped beverage enjoyed after completing a ride on your R3.
Beeranchi. A hopped beverage enjoyed after completing a ride on your Infinito.
Coldnago. A hopped beverage enjoyed after completing a ride on your Prima.
Specialale-ized. A hopped beverage enjoyed after completing a ride on your Tarmac.
Trek. Budweiser. A watered-down version of a really good thing that you can’t figure out why everyone wants.
@Marko
I just won’t drink because I’ve got a Giant then… ;)
@Nathan Edwards
Gi-PA. A hopped beverage enjoyed after completing a ride on your TCR.
@Nathan Edwards
I’ll drink with ya. I’m having a Ti-PA, a hopped beverage enjoyed after completing a ride on my Merlin Extralight.
This is useful, but should be alphabetical. Get with it!
Mario Chipalonee a douchbag that follow his own sausage around in the third person and is never seen for long with any one woman, or person, once they get to know him.
Love the peaking in 2 months, I find it is a constantly useful phrase throughout the year as I never get there.
@Rob
As the genius who coined the term when you made this video, I assume you don’t mind me posting it here:
@frankI wish I could take credit but this was done by Andrew this winter and you might detect some sarcasm? But hey its not about videos its about the road!
I will try to get Andrew to post up and give a comentary. His cycling wit and knowledge belong here.
@Rob
If what you say is true and he is indeed the author of this work of art, then he should, indeed, join the Velominati.
Hello Rob and Frank. Yes I am afraid Rob is correct, I am the creator of said video. Thank you for the kind words. I have been busy standing on the corner pointing fingers at the cyclists who ride by and telling them everything that is wrong with their bikes, themselves and all The Rules they are breaking. I am doing this of course because I want to help mind you.
Off to change my stem, Rule 70 – Stems cannot have an angle greater than 10 degrees. If you need a steep stem to help your stiff aching back, neck or shoulders, see Rule 5.
@frank
Sorry frank I think this might be the wrong Andrew?
@Andrew
If this is Andrew and not some pussie whipped posseur then let the peanut gallery know what you really think!
Well…I really think you are a fat slob that needs to shut up and lose some weight so you could keep up…but then again, whats new?
@Andrew Ya but I haven’t seen you since the winter and I WILL be peaking in July and then your skinney butt is going to get some hurting.
@frank It’s Ok Frank it is him.
@Andrew, @Rob
Well, I’ll be peaking mid-June, so both of you watch out. My EPO shipment comes in on June 1.
So, the weather finally clears after several crap days and I head out for a couple of hours of snakes and ladders on Wellington’s hills. And I’m sure it’s going to be one of those rides which is guaranteed to put a huge smile on my face – warm sun, crisp winter air, leaves on ground, birds twittering in trees, and an afternoon of leg-destroying hills to look forward to. Yet, I am angry. And no matter how hard I climb, the anger remains.
Now, were I one of the Cognoscenti, I expect I would simply refer myself to Rule 5 and then things would be OK. But, being a Soft Cog, I gently interrogate myself. What could be the cause of this unaccountably persistent anger roiling around inside me?
Maybe it’s because I know that work will prevent me riding tomorrow? No – that might explain regret, but not anger. After all, I’m riding today.
Perhaps, then, it’s the thought that Brett sold me all that Rule-breaking stuff like mirrors and frame-mounted pumps? No – I’ve exacted my revenge and shown him how much Rule-breaking can hurt, by wearing an internet-purcahsed top into his shop just to piss him off.
So finally I have to acknowledge what I think I knew all along. It’s Fucking Roid Fucking Landis. Just when it looked like we had two decent races to enjoy, this egregious little prick goes and focuses the eyes of the world on two things the sport can do without – himself and doping.
Now, I have no idea what he really thought he was doing – and, frankly, I would not be surprised if he didn’t, either. But what I do know is that not only has he spent years protesting his innocence, but that he is reported to have sought and received some $500,000 from members of the public to help him in his “fight for justice”. And, if true, that puts him in a whole new league of bad bastards who’ve done incalculable damage to a great sport.
The doping, the years of protestations of innocence, the bizarre emails to Messick et al, the prospect that he has just slandered a bunch of innocent people (or, if he’s finally telling the truth, the fact that he took so long to do so) – all of that, while disgraceful, is no worse than much else that has gone before (though it does make me even more glad that I turned down the opportunity to pay NZ$750 for the pleasure of having lunch with him when he came to NZ last year).
But if it’s true that he has bilked that sum of money out of people for something he knew all along was a lie, then he really is a wanker the like of which we thankfully do not often see. And that’s what makes me angry.
For my money, “Roid Landis” is way too generous a term. The Lexicon needs a term which more accurately reflects the man’s character.
“Roid Madness”? Quite possibly accurate, but I don’t want any suggestion that the prick can claim insanity as a defence.
“Roid Sadness”? That’s maybe how I’ll feel once I’ve calmed down, but it doesn’t do the trick right at the moment.
“Devoid of Gladness”? Quite conceivably an accurate description of how he’ll feel if the G-men decide that all that fund-raising in order to defend a lie is tantamount to theft and deserving of a few years in a federal penitentiary. But it still doesn’t capture how I feel about him right now.
In fact, no amount of punning on his name will do it. Puns are supposed to be funny, and humour and Floyd do not belong in the same thought any longer.
The fact of the matter is that Landis is a Cunt Of The Highest Order.
Hence my suggested addition to Lexicon – “COTHO”.
@Geof
Hehe! “No – I’ve exacted my revenge and shown him how much Rule-breaking can hurt, by wearing an internet-purcahsed top into his shop just to piss him off.”
I know, Bizarro Landis hurts. I’m convinced the dude is a whack job after reading his emails to Messick, Armstrong, and others. But how can you can let Landis fuck up your ride? Jesus Christ, harden the fuck up. All I could think about today was perfecting my sweet, new out-of-the-saddle climbing technique, which I’ve been working on for two months. I intend to unleash it on my teammates at the next team climbing ride, and hopefully, when I peak in mid-July, at a few road races.
@geof if Landis is a COTHO, then surely Armstrong is as well? No?
@GeofI like the shorter FRFL (“Fucking Roid Fucking Landis”) COTHO is to generalized…
He sure must be one conflicted, confused and sorry assed guy who’s now deservedly going to be in the middle of a shit storm. I still think this maybe the dam breaker and the source of many hours of good stuff here for years to come.
Personally I guess I am one of the Cognoscenti and SWG has the right attitude. But its not so much about Rule #5, to me it is a soap opera. What I mean is that its like letting actors ruin your day when they speak about politics/philosophy – does their trade make them experts? Of all the racers I knew the only one that I thought might have some great intellect, and I never met him, was Andy Hampsten because I read in Velonews that he read books! There are one or two with skills out side of bike racing, Mario with podium girls and Marco with lines but on the whole I never found the dinner conversation that scintillating after a day in the saddle or in the team car on the drive home…
No I won’t be spending too much worry time over this its only bike racing, just a sport after all and the races you are concerned about will go on. Maybe they will go on without some obnoxious people (Gee who could he mean??) and be more fun to watch?
I am off to practice Rule 5 where it should be practiced and my hope is you can too, those NZ “snakes and ladders” sound too good to let this stuff be so distracting!
SGW, you will have to go down under and give Geof a demo some day on those wicked S+L’s – Hey how about a Velominati trip to NZ??
@Geof
@Rob
I vasilate back and forth between both of your sentiments. FRFL is certainly raising my ire a bit now and Greg LeMelvis can’t help himself either. I’d like nothing more than the certainty I’m watching my favorite athletes competing cleanly at something I love doing myself, riding bikes. Ultimately though, that’s what it’s about for me, riding bikes. Whether or not FRFL ever rode a bike, doped, gave LemElvis a Dutch Rudder, or eats kittens doesn’t matter in the end. It’s background noise. Indeed really loud background noise right now but my bike and legs still work, so fuck em. In the meantime I’ll continue on my two-month peak timeline and enjoy watching riders like Jens, Fabian, Tyler, et. al.
Oh for fucks sake…
Landis cheated, got caught, lied… I always knew he was a cheat and a fraud. BUT; now he’s coming clean. Good on him.
Pharmstrong cheated, lied, bribed, and lied some more, cheated cancer victims out of more money than Landis ever did. Fuck him I hope he rots in hell and others come forward to expose what any right-minded human with half a brain has known for so long… He’s a fucking fraud who has done more to ruin the sport than anyone before or after him.
Open your fucking eyes… anyone still under the false belief that the cunt Pharmstrong is some sort of miracle worker is deluded.
Fuck him and anyone who supports him. Fuck fuck fucking fuck I’m so pissed that people are so naive to have a crack at Landis when they know that he is fucking right.
I can’t wait to see that cunt crucified.
Ok, so that’s my drunken rant…
Geof, you know I respect you and even though I have sold you some questionable items, don’t let this get in the way of our professional relationship or friendship.
But man, you loaned me the Pantani book, you know what goes on, and you know that one man cannot be a lone ranger against all the bad guys.
I don’t hate Armstrong coz he’s a doper, but because of the way he takes us all for fools, and actually gets intelligent people like yourself to buy his bullshit. That’s what really yanks my chain.
Rant over, headache deployed, hangover imminent. Serenity now, serenity now…
@brett: amen, brother. It’s the bullying and the lying that got to me years ago.
Perhaps this COTHO has legs. How high do you rate each one, is Landis a bigger cunt than Armstrong or the other way around.
Brett – it’s all good. If I hadn’t worn that jersey to your shop you wouldn’t have felt the need to go out and get shit-faced. So it’s my fault, really. Just to be clear, though, it’s not (just) the doping – it’s the alleged $500k+ raised for the purpose of defending himself. That ain’t Livestrong. Whatever your view of Armstrong, there is a world of difference (I hope!) between Livestrong and FRFL’s fighting fund (FRFLFF?).
All – thanks for the advice. I have meditated on Rule 5. And, being a Rule Holist, I have also meditated on Rule 4, which has been particularly helpful. I will no longer allow FRFL (or any other COTHO) to spoil my ride.
SGW – you’d be most welcome to come and visit us and display your out-of-the-saddle technique. Brett will happily sell you a mirror and affix it to the right hand side of your helmet, just to remind you that we ride on the wrong side of the road down here.
@Geof
Wow, I never knew a Torpedo 7 (yes folks, you read right) jersey could get one so pissed (literally!) I’m paying for it today (although a low internet priced hangover), and like buying stuff from a webstore, I got instant gratification but feel a bit empty today.
Maybe not as much as you think…
Ok , I’ve come up with a couple of new Landis names. They can be mixed and matched for your pleasure.
Fraud Landis
Floyd Slanders
or of course the combination Fraud Slanders.
@Andrew
Andrew, belated congratulations on the brilliant “peaking in two months” clip. Have now watched it about ten times, and am confident I will still laugh just as hard on the 11th. My mate Andy – who visits this site a lot but has not yet made his presence known – says the same thing. And I suspect so does everyone else who sees it. Outstanding effort. (Of course, I am now look like a halfwit whenever I say “pedal stroke” due to my inability to stifle a snigger immediately afterwards. But it’s a small price to pay.)
@Geof Part of the brilliance of Andrews “work” is that he not only captures my man breasts but he portrays himself in such a subtle way that the image, if you knew the man, is so apt (no his cycling shorts are black but the smiley face briefs express his character to a t).
There is a round of these, perhaps best watched in the winter when they were made…
Not as polished as Andrews… and the next by another friend gives a glimpse into Andrews character:
@Geof
John is joining Marko, Jim, and myself on a 135km ride up Mount St. Helens in a few weeks. You can bet that the entire ride will be peppered with comments like, “you look too fat to climb”, “I will be peaking in two months”, “let me help you with your stroke”, and “your stroke is not as smooth as mine”.
@Rob
There goes my productivity. *buh-bye*
@Geof
@Andrew
I’ve watched this movie even more times and I’m giggling like a little girl still.
Andrew, you have a gift. Having known Rob since he first started lecturing about the pedal stroke, it slays me on many levels. I actually assumed Rob made this and had to re-access, maybe he is deeper and more incisive than I give him credit for?…whew, no worries there. But in two months, when he does peak, he will out climb you so be prepared.
Andrew – even my wife thinks the clip is hilarious. The significance of this is that cycling, to her, means alarming expenditure on gear, magazines full of men (and the occsional woman) in lycra lying all around the house, the tedium of having to explain blood values to me (because her job means she understands them), being woken at 5:15 when I get up to go cycling, dealing with the Trojan which infected her computer as a result of me trying to find some live internet internet of Liege, and putting up with the tedium of her husband talking cycling whenever he meets another cyclist. So the word “Velominati” tends to make her roll her eyes and try to walk away. But the phrase “pedal stroke” now makes her giggle – unsurprisingly, like a girl – and the phrases “no, you are wrong” and “you are not smooth” (said with an appropriately wooden manner) have gained a disturbing currency in our household. This could be just the thing I needed to convert her. Thanks, mate.
@john
Careful there cowboy I have stories I could tell…
@Rob
Every one needs to understand that Rob got me a t-shirt that says, “Do I Look Like A Fucking People Person?” I wore it to a Pilates class.
@Geof
Geof it is my pleasure. Get her on a bicycle and be like Rob and pontificate and critique everything she does. Let me know how that works for you.
@john
John,
He has yet to out climb me. He lives in Long Island. A category 4 there is an easy bump here in the Berkshires. He does pass me on climbs but then I get fed up looking at his fat ass in those worn out shorts that are damn near see through that I get so disgusted I have to be in front of him. Please tell him to buy some new shorts.
@Andrew Well done. My favorite line, “Two months have past, and you are still fat.”
One more for yucks don’t know if its already up?
@david (formerly, SGW)
Even the little cartoon looks a bit fat.
Speaking of looking a little fat, here’s another one currently doing the rounds
@Geof
This strikes much too close to home for my liking.
@Steampunk ++1
@Steampunk
It happened in my home! It’s my cartoon created verbatim from a conversation with my velomihottie who at that stage was velomihottie under the collar.
@Marcus
I showed it to my velomihottie and asked if it sounded at all familiar. No, she said. There’s no way she’d give me the satisfaction of keeping the bike…
@Steampunk
She sounds like a formidable adversary. Maybe there should be a Rule about keeping Velomihotties happy so they don’t take our bikes.
@Marcus
Outstanding effort, Marcus. It’s being enthusiastically forwarded around the cycling community in NZ.
@Marcus
My strategy involves always making sure she has a slightly nicer bike than I do.
Awesome video Marcus, one which has raised some discussion among the Keepers.
Frank will be posting his thoughts in video form soon, we look forward to that!
My take is:
“A Velomihottie is described as a ‘female Velomintaus’. A Velominatus
is termed as ‘a cycling disciple of the highest order’.
Unless your wife/girlfriend/partner at least rides a bike, she is not
a Velomihottie, she is just your w/g/p.
If she thinks a saddle is something you put on a horse, she is not a
Velomihottie, she is just your w/g/p.
If she doesn’t look forward to reading the latest issue of Rouleur or
Spoke, she is not a Velomihottie, she is just your w/g/p.
If she displays the sort of behaviour outlined in Marcus’ video, she
is not a Velomihottie, she is just your w/g/p.”
Thoughts?
As for a w/g/p of a Cognoscenti, well that’s a whole other kettle of fish…
@brett
I think Brett is right. (Brett also asked me to point out that technically – with apologies (again) for briefly rehearsing my schoolboy Latin – a female velominatus would be a “velominata”, not a “velomihottie”. But I think we can all agree that “velomihottie” is preferable.)
Which leaves the question of what (if anything ) should be the term for the w/g/p of a velominatus. Presumably this depends on whether or not said w/g/p is an enthusiastic supporter, a resigned-to-it tolerater or a hostile opponent of the craft practised by the velominatus. Herewith my suggestions for these categories:
* enthusiastic supporter – velomihappie
* resigned-to-it tolerater – velomihumphie
* hostile opponent – velomihatie
As to the female equivalent of a cognoscentus, perhaps “cognoscentrix” (after “domninatrix”).
@all
Here is a conversation with a true Velomihottie based loosely on Marcus’ video above:
So what’s a Velominatus’s sex-buddy? Velominaughty?
@frank #$%^&&!!
@frank
Excellent Frank. If that really is your Velomihottie, you are lucky indeed as she would be an excellent training partner.
And you know what they say about Velomihotties, Angry in the Head, Angry in the Bed.
Can you please create a Lexicon entry for “Like Fuck you Will”? Suggest something like “This is the reflex response of a Velomihottie to any promise of post-ride activity from a Velominatus.”
Unless she’s got a headache, in which case she’s a velominotonighty.
@frank
watched it again, “you put a saddlebag on your bike. What the fuck is that?” Priceless.
@Marcus
Thanks. She is a great training partner, but she is much, much nicer to me than this video suggests.
I like the idea of adding your phrase to the Lexicon.
Movie Reviews
@Marcus
That is some funny shit. I do love to get a look into another man’s marriage. Beauty. A wife who mocks her husband’s shaved legs, that’s trouble.
@frank You funny boy too. Guns of Navarone. These movies are killing me.
Marcus, Frank, to funny, you have launched a whole new sub genre of preparation/return from the ride. Except for the girlfriendless college kid or the 30 something bike nerd (wait he lives with the parents so still has to get permission) we all must face these issues.
Brett, Geof and Marcus’s Lexicon ideas are classic.
Saw this in a video some time ago, but actually heard a variation of it in my local coffee shop this morning. I almost poured my espresso down my front:
“You didn’t drop me. Yesterday I was doing intervals; today was a recovery ride.”
@Steampunk
After you regained your composure, did you manage to wander over there and, in a monotone English accent say, “I know how to train properly. I train properly.”
@frank
You have to understand that the depths of my adherence to Rule #5 have led me to be in considerable breach of Rule #50. So I’m hardly one to say much of anything to a “real” cyclist (other than HTFU!). These guys were kitted out with bling bikes that likely have never made it above 30km/h. But the first thing that came to mind was actually: “Your stroke is not good.” Or “you are not smooth; I am.” (facial hair notwithstanding).
New episode in the adventures of Thelma and Vincent (ie. he is the chubby guy (can you be peaking in more than two months time?) in the color cartoon above.
http://torosvecchi.wordpress.com/2010/06/15/honey-i-am-back-from-my-ride/
@Marcus Wife, “Even I know it is embarrassing for middle-aged men to dress up in the outfits of professional teams.” Beautiful. But for as much as the wife knows–she’s nearly omniscient–she’s gotten the Rules wrong. “If you must wear lycra, the Rules are that you must wear plain cycling outfits or your club gear.” Unfortunately, many of the Velominati do not see it that way, and insist on the propriety of wearing the kit of pro teams. I’m with the wife on this one.
@Marcus
Priceless!
@Marcus
Would post a supportive comment, but am a bit busy combing through our household accounts right now …
@Marcus@Geof
This prompted some quick accounting in our household, too. We have no pool, either, but fortunately no pool cleaner. But: “on that score, how much did that new bar tape cost?”
No, we don’t condone Pro kit, but state “Wearing team kit is also questionable if you’re not paid to wear it. If you must fly the colours of Pro teams, all garments should match perfectly, i.e no Mapei jersey with Kelme shorts and Telekom socks.”
$%&&! Nice. “I climb well for my weight.” Hehe.
@david
I stole a number of lines from here, but that one’s mine and I use it regularly.
@Steampunk
Brilliant. Close to home, again, but brilliant.
@Steampunk I’ve got one on the way too. And, it seems mandatory, now, that any xtranormal movie produced by a Velominatus include the words, “When I peak in two months.”
“Come on I’m going to need help with the second arm”
Oh fuck that is priceless!
Nice one Steampunk – I am a little worried about your kid did she get home?
@Rob
What’s her name rolled in a couple of hours off the pace. A little sun-burned, but none the worse for wear. She needs to harden up a bit (I try to keep the language down around the kids).
@Geof
DUDE! Skin suit for the baby! I dropped them on the first climb. I am in tears. Brilliant. You once took a week off from riding because your cuticles were sore.
Glad she made it home, that girl has a future as a Velomihotie at the least if not a J. Longo at best!!
“I climb well for my weight.” should be in the lexicon…
another that needs in the lexicon is ‘post-recovery ride specialist’: one who is always on a recovery ride everytime you go out for a spin because they ‘just hit it so hard the previous day’….
@Souleur
Spot on. I’ll add this tomorrow. Brilliant. I was thinking of a related term, “I’m Tapering”, which means that you’re not riding hard because you’re timing your “peak”.
Chuck Norris challenged Lance Armstrong to a “Who Has the Most Testicles” contest.
Chuck Norris won by five.
Dang! If I was really on my game I would have been “Jens challenged…”
After having seen him do it so often, I think Renshaw needs to be dubbed “FedEx” for his delivery of Cavendouche to the line.
@Kermitpunk
Ha!! Added.
I was just thinking we needed a “nicknames” section and what do I find…been away too long.
Need to add Ratpack from the Stage 19 thread.
Invisible Denis for Menchov
A very tenuous one is Sylvain Haveago
Gaysink is missing
Also Evans has to be listed as Cuddles as well. It’s all I’ll refer to him as
Grimplet for Brother Grimpeur the Younger
@Jarvis
Yes: the nicknames should be separated. The various names have very little to do with the true lexicon of peaking in two months, etc. They’re fun, but also quite distinct, and they get in the way of the importance of the lexicon.
Nicknames. The Schlecks. Frandy. Only UK X-Factor officianados may get this, unless you’ve heard of Jedward it won’t make sense. Like them really.
I’m just going out for a recovery ride/taper/level one ride now….
In response to “Train Properly”, “I’m commuting”. Cos everyone knows the ride to work is a race of the highest calibre, especially in London where most of them will be at Hillingdon (or Spillingdon as it is affectionately known) on Tuesday night, racing, crashing and being beaten by guys from Durham :)
@Jarvis
@Buzz
Thanks guys, done…
My wife (a non-cycling fan who just happened to be walking through the room at the time) , upon seeing George Hincapie’s act in the 09 Tour when he was “chased down” and “denied” the yellow jersey by Garmin, started calling him “Butthurt-capie” She still does so to this day everytime see sees him. It would mean a great deal to us both if this could be added to the Lexicon
Here’s one that I use often for someone that is acting in an unacceptable manner – “Out of dish” as in “That dude is way out of dish”.
perhaps after today’s Vuelta stage a new nickname might enter the Lexicon. “Who-tarovich?”
@Ross
@Cyclops
@dermot_k
Thanks for the suggestions fellas, tweaked and added.