The Lexicon

The Velominati have our own set of nicknames and terms which have developed over time through posts and correspondence. Some of these are names of landmarks or terms in cycling; others are nicknames for some of the riders in the pro peloton. While not intended to be offensive or derogatory, the nicknames in the list represent the riders’ personalities or their reputations; usually little more than a play on words, these are intended to be a bit of fun in the sometimes too-serious world of cycling.

It goes without saying that names such as The Cannibal, The Badger, Mr. Paris-Roubaix, Der Kaiser and Il Pirata are taken as read, and should be well enough recognised by any Velominatus to warrant their non-inclusion in this list.

Email us with any suggested additions.

Jump to: TermsNicknames

Terms

  1. A Tommy // (v.)When cameramen, photographers and millions of viewers expect something completely different to what they actually see.
  2. Orange Damsels // Orange cycling shoes.Preferably made of orange patent leather.
  3. Climber in a Gorilla Suit // A large rider who climbs too well for their weight.A big, heavy beast of a rider who goes uphill like an angel with wings. Thanks to @urbanwhitetrash
  4. NITRO // None In The Right OrderPertaining to Velominati Super Prestige picks, the entirely unawesome scenario where one has selected all the correct picks for the VSP and none of them in the correct position. Thanks to @xyxax.
  5. Belgian Gatorade // Beer, whether it be in the bidon or not.Thanks to @fignons-barber.
  6. Spanish Turbo Session // Riding the turbo in full leggings, long sleeve jersey, and wooly hat.The Spanish do this to promote sweating to counter the bloating effect caused by taking cortisone. Allegedly. We do it to fight off the bloating effect caused by eating and drinking too much.
  7. Spanish Turbo Sessions // Plural of Spanish Turbo Session.
  8. Velominatus // A cycling disciple of the highest order.
  9. Velominati // Plural form of Velominatus.
  10. Velominata // Female cycling disciple of the highest order.See also: related video.
  11. Velomihottie // A Velominatus/a who is also a Velominatus/a’s significant other.
  12. VMH // Velomiskrit shorthand for Velomihottie.A Velominatus/a who is also a Velominatus/a’s significant other.
  13. VMW // Velomiskrit shorthand for Velomiwidow.
  14. Velominada // A Velominatus who has temporarily stopped riding.This is typically not due to any reduction in passion, due to outide factors that should be banished, like friends, family, or work.
  15. Velomiwidow // A Velominatus’ significant other who is not a Cyclist.This typically involves them sometimes feeling like they are playing second fiddle to The Bike.
  16. Velomiwookie // An unshaven Velominatus.After having failed to shave the guns, now sports a thatch that Chewbacca would be proud of.
  17. Mount Velomis // The mountain within whose fiery depths were forged The Rules.
  18. V-Receptacles // The microscopic organisms that allow us to channel The V.A rider’s ability to channel The V is directly proportional to their V-Receptacle count. There are several known ways to increase one’s count, among them continued mediation on The V, Training Properly, consumption of Post-Ride Recovery Ales, and adherence to Rule #2 and Rule #3.
  19. The Rules // The canon of cycling’s etiquetteThese are the simple truths of Cycling, compiled and maintained by the Velominati.
  20. Hardman // The tough-as-nails cyclist.Often spotted gliding over cobblestones or mashing up the Koppenberg in the Big Ring in all kinds of weather. This one is not ours, but it bears inclusion here since we use it so much.
  21. Cogal // A meeting of Velominati for a day of cycling and beer.Just as the Illuminati would stage their fabled, and somewhat feared Cabals, the Velominati stage our own modern-day versions, the Cogals.  A meeting of like-minded misfits brought together by the promise of beer, preceded by a bike ride. A Cogal distinguishes itself from other group rides by the following criteria. First, Cogals are organized and supported through Velominati, though not necessarily a Keeper (legally speaking, however, we have no involvement, so if you crash or die, it’s your own problem. Second, a Cogal is a day-long undertaking that focuses 100% on the bike. The rides are categorized (Casually Deliberate, Rule #5, Rule #10, for example) but are long. This is what you’re doing today, nothing else; see Rule #4. Third, Cogals always include a session of Malted Recovery Beverage Consumption after the ride. Whenever possible, it should also include a pre-ride espresso.
  22. Cognoscenti // The sect of  Rule #5 Fundamentalists.We don’t strictly endorse their interpretation, but like the Catholics and Opus Dei, we recognize them as part of our own.
  23. Cognoscentus // A Rule #5 Fundamentalist.
  24. Cognoscentrix // A female Rule #5 Fundamentalist.
  25. Coefficient of Difficulty // The pre-determined degree of difficulty for each ride.There is a pre-determined Coefficient of Difficulty for each Velominatus on each ride. Velominati are capable of registering their training regimen by a CoD being no less than V and working towards an intensity of  VV. The three Coefficients of Difficulty are V, V.V and VV. Thanks to @unversio.
  26. Hardmanifesto // The Fundementalist Manifesto followed by the Cognescenti.
  27. Rule Holism // The notion of embracing The Rules in their entirety.The Rules are simultaneously simple and complex. They are consistent yet rife with contradiction. To embrace them all is to walk the path of La Vie Velominatus.
  28. A-Merckx // A declaration of affirmation used by a VelominatusThis can be used in many conversational instances or when in worship as a concluding word for prayers and hymns to the Great Gods of Cycling.  (This is not to be confused with the first initial and last name of Eddy’ Merckx’s son, Axel.)
  29. V-Meter // The fictitious cylcometer which only reports on the V.No confusing read-out. No buttons to push. No debate as to what you need to do. Just look down, ruminate briefly on the message conveyed to your oxygen-starved brain and lactate-laden legs, and V the fuck outa there. What’s the gradient of the climb? V. How fast are you going?  V. What’s your heart rate doing?  Your V-max? You will instantly and unequivocally know the answer.
  30. V-Locus // The sacred point where rider and machine maximally channel The V.The Italians call this la posizione. The Flemish call this “riding your bike.”
  31. The V // Old Velomiskrit for Rule #5This has evolved to take on the greater meaning it holds within the Velominati. (Pronounced “The Five”.)
  32. The Anti-V // The forces in life that cause you to not observe The V.The Anti-V manifests itself in an absence of those things we love most about cycling: a combination of guts, class, and panache. Wheel-sucking, bragging, and poor sportsmanship are examples of the Anti-V. (Thanks to KitCarson.)
  33. Five and Dime // Laying down The V in the wholesale commitment to Rule #10.
  34. Rule V // Rule #5
  35. Rule VV // Rule #10
  36. V and VV // Velomiskrit shorthand for Five and Dime.
  37. Five Face // Any facial expression that demonstrates a holistic commitment to Rule #5.As kindly demonstrated hmyah.
  38. VLVV // Velomiskrit shorthand for “Vive la Vie Velominatus”.Thanks to Roadslave525.
  39. The V Bank // Some days you make deposits, other days you make withdrawals.But remember this: this is a bank with steep inactivity fees. Thanks to King Clydesdale
  40. Velominazi // A dogmatic enforcer of The Rules.This individual misinterprets the humor and intent behind The Rules and has likely missed their daily dose of humility and humor. They are also not likely to actually ride a bike very much or very well. See also: Adrian. Thanks to Jonathan via @CyclingTips.
  41. Flemish Mirror // The reflection of a rider caught in the shiny, rain-soaked tarmac.
  42. Flandrian Best // Arm warmers, vests, Belgian booties, and a cap under the helmet.While church goers will dress in their Sunday Best for a sermon, when a Cyclist goes to worship in bad weather, they dress in their Flandrian Best.
  43. Flemish Tan Lines // Artificial tan lines caused by mud, grit, and cow shit.After a Rule #9 ride, the contrast between one’s clean and grit-covered skin is directly proportional to how awesome the ride was.
  44. Principle of Silence // The notion that your bicycle must always be quiet.
  45. Goldilocks Principle // Ensuring that bibs and socks are not too long or too short.Also applies to any other matter of Good Taste and Sensibility where extremes are unpalatable.
  46. Graveur // A rider who specializes on riding gravel roads.Whether its the white Tuscan roads of the Strade Biancha, the roughly graded clay backroads of Northern Minnesota, or the stone gravel mountain passes of the Rocky Mountains, the Graveur knows some of the best riding is to be had off the beaten path of tarmac. A Graveur’s rig generally resembles a CX bike modified slightly for longer rides higher speeds, but can also be a road bike with extra-wide and durable tires.
  47. Gun Check // An assessment of the state of your legs.How much hurt have your legs absorbed, and how much hurt they are capable of dishing out at any given moment. Whatever you’re doing now, can only be sustained for V more minutes. Own your guns.
  48. Carbone // That feeling you get when you see a beautiful bike.
  49. Climbone // That feeling you get when you see a beautiful climb. (Thanks to Collin)
  50. Cobblebone // That feeling you get when you see an roughly paved roadThis is most acutely felt in the presence of rough cobblestones. Thanks to @BianchiDenti
  51. Rimbone // That feeling you get when you see a beautiful set of rimsThis can be either deep dish rims or handbuilt three-cross spoked wheels. (thanks to TexasRouleur).
  52. Switchbone // That feeling you get when you see a beautiful climb.The localised swelling resulting from looking at pictures of switchback-laden mountain passes like the Stelvio. (Thanks to @Bianchi Denti.)
  53. Piti Principle // Punishment for violating the spirit of the law.A model of punishment wherein a competitor is sanctioned for abusing the system while still technically staying within the specific guidelines.
  54. Dotty Jumper // The Polka-Dot jersey.The spotted jersey given in the drug-riddled King of the Mountains competition at the Tour de France.
  55. Peaking in Two Months // Being out of form and overweight.A universal acknowledgement that one is out of form and overweight, while at the same time asserting that you are following a strict training plan and diet and that when you do peak – in two months – you will dish out pain in overwhelming proportions. See also: related video. (Thanks to Andrew)
  56. Nearly Peaking // Assertion that you are no longer too fat to climb.Also may mean to imply that you are in training and approaching form.
  57. Train Properly // Controlling your pace when riding.This figures heavily into the assertion that you are only being passed on a climb because you are following a strict training regimen.  See also: related video.
  58. Too Fat To Climb // Being too heavy to climb well.The assertion that one is overweight and will not be able to climb well. See also:related video. (Thanks to Andrew)
  59. Climb Well For My Weight // Being a good climber relative to your weight/size.The assertion that despite your size, you are still a reasonable climber.  See also:related video. (Thanks to Steampunk)
  60. Belly Breathing // Excusing a gut as a breathing technique.The assertion that one is not sporting a protruding gut but is in fact using a highly sophisticated respiration technique called diaphragmatic breathing.
  61. Rode Like a Lion // The assertion that you rode like a hardman.See also: related video. (Thanks to Steampunk)
  62. Magnificent Stroke // A rider’s smooth, powerful stroke.Pedal stroke.
  63. Tapering // Not riding in preparation for a big ride.Refusing to do any ride of substance because one is tapering to time one’s peak.  See also Train Properly and I Am Nearly Peaking.
  64. Recovery Ride Specialist // A rider who never participates in hard rides.One who is always on a recovery ride everytime you go out for a spin because they ‘hit it so hard the previous day’. Of course, no one is ever with them when they actually do a hard ride.  See also Train Properly. (Thanks to Souleur)
  65. Yellow Jacket of Authority // A fluoro yellow wind/shower jacketIn the wild, this is sported by many commuting cyclists and gets its moniker from the smugness and perceived aura of invincibility that seems to emanate from wearers of this garish garment.  Also comes in sleeveless version the YVA.
  66. YJA // Shorthand for Yellow Jacket of Authority.
  67. Cycleway Hero // Cyclists who treat their daily commute as races.The commute is seen as a way to prove their manhood by wheel-sucking, or blasting past on their squeaky MTBs whilst wearing a YJA.  Never says ‘hello’. Considers fellow commuters to be their competition and sworn enemies.
  68. Commuter Grand Prix // The domain of the Cycleway Hero.Only they know where the intermediate sprints, KOM and finish line is, and they are never beaten.
  69. Sit Up and Beg // A high, upright riding position.The riding position of a cyclist whose bars are placed absurdly high.  (Thanks to Gillis.)
  70. Vampire Tactics // Using a blood-doping ring to win bike races.
  71. Oscarito Principle // Gaffer-taping a mini-pump to your frame.
  72. Huangism // A trite and/or clichéd remark about a bikeCommonly made by CyclingNews.com technical editor, James Huang, whose reviews are sometimes nothing but cliche-riddled re-hashs of manufacturers press release. An example of a Huangism is a statement like “laterally stiff, vertically compliant”.
  73. Breeding and Blimping // Having kids and gaining weight.The process of gaining weight after becoming a parent due to a shift in priorities.
  74. Like Fuck You Will // A partner’s level of faith in a Cyclist’s follow-through.A spouse’s assertion that any promise made towards post-ride activity will be superseded by laying on the couch, complaining about your guns. (Thanks to Marcus)
  75. COTHO // C*nt Of The Highest Order.See also Pharmstrong, Veino, Pharmstrong, Contador, Pharmstrong, Piti, Johan Bruyneel, Pharmstrong, Ricco, Hein Verbrugge, and Pat McQuaid – depending on your perspective. (Thanks to Geof)
  76. Rainbow Turd // Wearing over-matched rainbow kit.Wearing full matching white rainbow jersey with white rainbow bibs, and then being crapped out of the back of the bunch when the road goes uphill, as Mario Cipollini did in the 2002 Giro d’Italia.
  77. Cadelephantiasis // A sudden increase in toughness and aggressive riding.Specifically, the increasing in size of one’s gonads to gargantuan proportions when exposed to rainbows, as was the case with Cadel Evans.
  78. White Ladies // White cycling shoesPreferably made of patent-leather and by an Italian cobbler.
  79. Yellow Princesses // Yellow cycling shoes.Made by the only company willing to do such a thing, Mavic.
  80. Red Damsels // Red cycling shoes.Preferably made of patent-leather and by an Italian cobbler. Thanks to @RedRanger for the photo.
  81. Black Widows // Black cycling shoes.Preferably made of patent-leather and by an Italian cobbler.
  82. Dark Knights // An alternative moniker for The Black Widows.Thanks to Omar for his Batman-inspired dissertation.
  83. Aristocrats // White/black cycling shoes.The combination of white and black in a fine Italian patent leather shoe, as perfectly demonstrated  here.
  84. Silver Bullets // Silver cycling shoes.
  85. Inhaling a Wasp // Gasping for air whilst climbing.Mouth agape, snarling, dishing out the V. (Thanks to BigRingRiding.com)
  86. Communing with Butterflies // Climbing so slowly that butterflies nest in your spokes“The last time I climbed it a butterfly flew through my front wheel completely unscathed.” (Thanks to Cyclops)
  87. Out of Dish // When someone is acting out of order“Hincapie was really out of dish blaming the others in the break for not chasing. What a COTHO!”  (Thanks to Cyclops)
  88. Fluidly Harmonic Articulation // Riding in harmony with the bicyle.This refers to the symbiotic relationship between oneself and one’s machine. It is characterised by an immovable torso combined with effortlessly gliding pedal rotations. A revelation of harmony and elegance for you resulting in high doses of Rule #5 pain for your fellow riders. This is a state only obtainable when peaking, and is sometimes referred to as La Volupte. (Thanks to Marcus for twisting Jørgen Leth’s words as narrated in The Impossible Hour.)
  89. Adrian // Being an annoying, if harmless, twatwaffle.An Adrian also exhibits poor spelling and grammar while attempting to make points.
  90. Glorious Steel // The exclamation that steel is the finest material for a bicycle. See also, Steel is Real. (Thanks to Rusty Tool Shed)
  91. That Fucking Bike // A derogatory sleight to the Velominatus’ tool, the bike.A Velominatus’ domestic partner’s reference to The Craft, who obviously does not understand The Work we do nor have any appreciation for Rule #11. A sample “That Fucking Bike” conversation may be reviewed here. (Thanks to Roadslave525)
  92. Handlebar Dingleberry // A loose, loopy bit of handlebar tape.See also Hasidic Handlebars. (Thanks to McSqueak.)
  93. Belgian Style // Riding primarily with hands positioned on the hoods.“Look how clean the tape is on that dude’s drops! He must be a Belgian Style specialist.”
  94. Velominatus Budgetatus // A Velominatus who finds great deals on expensive kit.This is a wily creature who always figures out a way to satiate the need for expensive kit using low-cost means. (Thanks to Cyclops)
  95. Velominatus Violatus // A Velominatus who contravenes the Rules.Penance is paid in the form of hill repeats and heavy helpings of The V. (Thanks to Geof)
  96. Fendangelist // Fender (mud guard) evangalist.A rider who insists on pointing out and scolding riders in a group who fail to ride with fenders, pointing out the many reasons they should do so in the future.
  97. Three-Point System // The proper way to wear a hat.The system is a  repeatable and reliable process to ensure you Look Fantastic wearing fundamentally ugly objects on your head: the front should be low to the eyes, sides running close to the ears, and the back no deviating below the nape of the neck. More details here.
  98. Toad Head // Wearing the helmet too high upon the head.The mushroom-like appearance of wearing a bicycle helmet too high upon the head. (Thanks to Collin.)
  99. Dork Disc // The useless plastic guard that is installed on bicyclesThis part exists for the same reason as blue M&Ms: one we can’t explain.
  100. EPMS // Velomiskrit for European Posterior Man Satchel.A saddlebag.
  101. Millarcopter // The arcing, spinning motion of a thrown bike.This is normally taken on by a bike when ejected over a fence, or the destination of your choice. *Of course, we would never treat our bikes like this, because we pay for ours.
  102. Schleckanical // Suffering an ill-timed mechanical during the height of competition.Extra points if the mechanical could possibly be the rider’s own fault. (Thanks to Xponti.)
  103. Casually Deliberate // The easy sense of style and calm exuded by a Velominatus. This is true whether they are on the bike, off the bike and is exhibited by a sharp dress sense and air of confidence. Details here.
  104. Bel Mezzo // Mezzo in Italian vernacular stands for means of transportI’m showing you my new bike and you say: bel mezzo!  (Thanks to Pedale Forchetta.)
  105. Well Hydrated // Consuming large quantities of alcohol (beer)This is usually prior to a ride in an effort to stay properly hydrated. Thanks to Jeff in PetroMetro
  106. Flanders Facial // Covering your face in mud and grit while riding.The fashionable “in” look of the Spring season whereby the cyclist’s face is caked with mud in the tradition of the Spring Classics.  Note: any mud will do, not just Flandrian mud.  (Thanks to BIGRINGRIDING.)
  107. Flandrian Facial // Covering your face in mud and grit while riding. See also Flanders Facial.
  108. Flemish Facial // Covering your face in mud and grit while riding. See also Flanders Facial.
  109. Luggs // Lugs so sexy they deserve a second “g”.
  110. Mini-pumps at Dawn // Challenge to a duel.Them’s fightin’ words!  A Velominatus’ version of the “Gentleman’s Duel” of the past.
  111. Sprinters Muscle // The middle-aged male gut.The monolithic protuberance rising above one’s waist and below one’s rib cage which is a source of explosive power.  Ironically, it is the opposite of a six pack but typically acquired by drinking beer. (Thanks to Minion.)
  112. Brommer // Motorcus’s bike.Derived (read:taken wholesale) from the Dutch word for moped.
  113. Belgian Toothpaste // The thick, sticky spit you get when laying down the V.Thanks to ZachOlson.
  114. Spinal Tap Black // All black, all the time.When something can be none more black, like the color of your kit, frame, saddle, tires, or your soul.
  115. Sur La Plaque // French for “Put that thing in the big ring, fucktard.” (Literally, to move sur la plaque means to move onto the plate, or the BIG RING.)
  116. Carbon Craplet // The carbon framed bikes that are passed on a climb or sprintThis is best emphasized as you hammer on your Old Skule steel. e.g “I dropped a half dozen Carbon Craplets on the River Road sprint.” Thanks to Ray Bransky.
  117. Mach V // The speed attained by maximum application of  Rule #5 This requires whole body commitment to Sur La Plaque; a profound Knowledge of  Rule #85 and  Rule #64 are especially important. Thanks to Wilbur. (We wish his name sounded more Rule Fivish for recommending such a cool lexi entry.)
  118. Delgado // Missing the start of the VSP or any other event.Inspired by Pedro Delgado’s 1989 late Tour start (as defending champion.)
  119. Cycling Sensei // A velominatus’ highly revered mentorThis mentor teaches and guides us in the finer ways of our Sport.
  120. Pedalwan // A Cycling Sensei’s protege.
  121. Pedalwan Learner // A Cycling Sensei’s student.
  122. Starter Pistols // The Guns of Navaronne in their primordial state.Thanks to mcqueek.
  123. Schleckulation // Speculation on how a rider will perform.Specifically as it related to predicting if a rider’s less-than-stellar pre-TdF form foretells disaster or represents a ploy to fool rivals. Thanks to Xyxax.
  124. Phantom Aerobars // Resting the forearms on the tops of the barsGetting low and aero on standard road bars as if they were riding on aerobar extensions, ala Fabian Cancellara. Thanks to Joe.
  125. Pre-Race Kelly // Going without sexUsually involuntarily and often a result of some action involving That Fucking Bike. This can also be a deliberate, voluntary pre-race preparation technique in the spirit of Sean Kelly. Thanks to Buck Rogers.
  126. Post-Ride Recovery Drink // A nice, cold, hoppy ale.Consumed after a hard ride to restore carbohydrates, proteins, sugars, and Awesome to the body.
  127. Recovery Ale // See Post-Ride Recovery Drink.
  128. Recovery Ales // See Post-Ride Recovery Drink.
  129. Fuckness // Any manner of negative physiological effects caused by weather.
  130. Dirty Schleck Love // The illogical hero-worship of any cyclistParticularly one who has yet to make the most of his ability. It is the velomotion that daren’t speak its name. (Thanks to Marcus)
  131. Chicked // Getting your ass dropped by a Velominata.We’re all peaking in two months; set your male insecurities aside and train harder, jackhole. (Thanks @Jen)
  132. Dutch Gel Shot // A packet of mayonnaise.(Thanks to @Mcsqueek)
  133. Brian // Brian will crush your ego and is of the same sub-species as AdrianThe guy who bridges up to you on a ride, usually a climb, wearing items like khaki shorts, a camelback, and clip-ons, breaking any given number of Rules and then proceeds to ride you off his wheel. (Thanks @sgt and @Nate)
  134. Vonk // Failure to find your Rule #91 happy place.
  135. Steerectile Dysfunction // A large stack of spacers or a steep-angle stem.The inefficient and aesthetically displeasing setup leading to a sit up and beg riding position. This also applies to any unnecessary stack of spacers piled above the stem, like some sort of Rule #45 safety-chute. (Thanks to @VeloVita)
  136. Gruppo // Campagnolo.Since gruppo is an Italian word, the only gruppo is Campagnolo. Shimano is a Group-San, and SRAM is a Bro-Set. Thanks to Ken Horsnby as nominated by @Daccordi Rider
  137. Group-san // Shimano.Since gruppo is an Italian word, the only gruppo is Campagnolo. Shimano is a Group-San, and SRAM is a Bro-Set. Thanks to Ken Horsnby as nominated by@Daccordi Rider
  138. Bro-Set // SRAM.Since gruppo is an Italian word, the only gruppo is Campagnolo. Shimano is a Group-San, and SRAM is a Bro-Set. Thanks to Ken Horsnby as nominated by @Daccordi Rider
  139. Gun Decks // The platforms that absorb the massive force of our guns.Every Velominatus knows their guns aren’t their arms (carry those gallons of milk in one at a time, we don’t want to build up too much upper body mass, Hercules) but their legs. And we all know the way to make our bikes go faster is to push harder on the Gun Decks, also known as pedals. Thanks to @Conor via email.
  140. Onyx Blahniks // Black fi’zi:k R1’s. This could also apply the white R1’s as Onyx technically refers to a spectrum of colors. In any case, these shoes set the standard.
  141. Post GT Depression // Depression suffered at the conclusion of a Grand Tour.The onset of a sense of hopelessness characterized by irritable and manic behavior as access to cycling coverage decreases suddenly from daily to weekly (or less). Treatments include Rule #5, riding, and Rule #5. Thanks to @Ron.
  142. Cycling Shit Sandwich // A triathlonAlso referred to as the CSS, the Cycling Shit Sandwich is characterized by an event which begins with prolonged near-drowning and ends with trying to outrun the slowest person in your vicinity. May also involve a conclusive demonstration of a lack of motor skills. Thanks to @ralph.
  143. Charismatically Poisoned // Carrying a good beer buzz.Its a scientifically proven fact that people are more charismatic when drinking alcohol. Alcohol is also a poison. Thus, drinking makes us charismatically poisoned. Thanks to Mikael Liddy.
  144. Wookie Shorts // Shaving your guns to just above the tan line.This leaves furry patches above the shorts line that look like Chewbacca got stuck thigh-deep in a pool of Nair.
  145. Shave Horizons // The boundary between smooth gun and hairy limb.Once you start shaving your legs, can you stop anywhere short of giving yourself a Brazilian, waxing your chest (men only, obviously), and shaving your eyebrows and head?
  146. Escape Velocity // The speed at which you spin out your top gear.This is the critical point at which all speed has been coaxed from your machine and you have wrung the top end out of your block. “I hit escape velocity on that descent and I had to break out my LeMond tuck.”
  147. Masturbation Principle // Rule violations are like masturbation.The Keepers understand that from time to time, some riders will violate a Rule or two because of their personal situation. If this is the case, we understand you might do it, but don’t fucking brag about it. Also like masturbation, it is best done where no one can see you and too much of it will make you go blind. Thanks to @Marcus.
  148. Gravity Assisted Resistance Training // The upshot of being Too Fat To Climb G.A.R.T. makes you stronger when you start your training overweight and build strength hauling your fat ass uphill. Thanks @Beers for this one.
  149. Flemish Compact // A 53×39 Chainset.Training in winter on your usual hardman chainset of 53×42 is bad for your knees. Changing to a Flemish Compact during VVinter will help spare them. Or, as Museeuw said, “I don’t like the 50T on compacts. It is not big enough for climbing.”
  150. Torchman’s Taint // A saddle sore.Only those who have experienced the burning pain of a saddle sore will understand where this notion comes from.
  151. Festum Prophetae // A celebration of the birth of The Prophet, Eddy MerckxThe Velominati observe His birthday, June 17, in our own ways. Some stage Cogals, others ride in wool jerseys, others just pour an ounce of Tripel on the ground in his honor. (But seriously, don’t spill beer.)
  152. Survive on V // The ability to ride well on little training by drawing directly from The V. Pronounced Survive on Five.
  153. Plaquetic Acid // Lactic acid building caused by climbing Sur la Plaque.The rapid (and often debilitating) build-up of lactic acid in the guns when, in the glorious haze of the Five and Dime, you hit a climb in the big ring which is both longer and steeper than your puny guns can feasibly conquer in the 53t.Ӭ Often accompanied by much wimpering, weaving about the road. Thanks to @maxim.
  154. Shampag Moment // A misshift caused by swtiching between Campa and Shimano.Referring to the erroneous use a ghost go button or of the inner shift lever when transferring between Gruppo, Group-san, or Bro-Set equipped bikes. Thanks to @CarlyJ.
  155. Bidonkadonk // Saddle-mounted bottle cages as used by triathletes.Thanks to Will Benton.
  156. Happy DeVlaeminck // Being secure in another man massaging your guns.See A Sunday in Hell for clarity.
  157. Nine Bike // Velomiskrit for Rain BikeIn honor of its place as the steed of choice during Rule #9 Conditions. Thanks to Nik.
  158. Die Congnoscentus // May 5th, the Day of the Five.The Ancients of Mount Velomis considered the fifth day of the fifth month to be the convergence of the Two Fives and the most sacred day of the year. It is also recognized as the official Velominati New Year, a day for reflection on our weakness and an opportunity to renew our resolve to improve on them.
  159. Shimanguish // The feeling a Campa rider gets when forced to use Shimano-equipped machine.Thanks to @unversio.
  160. Going Das // To be impossibly hard to as ride a Himalayan Pass.More specifically, to be so absurdly hard as to ride a Himalayan pass on a modified rickshaw from sea level, thereby transcending all Rules but Rule #5 and presumably Rule #10.
  161. Gravelbone // That feeling you get when you see a beautiful gravel road.
  162. 3PS // Velomiskrit for Three-Point System
  163. Stripper Boots // Unnecessarily tall overshoesBy the time your overshoes are as tall as a stripper’s Go-Go boots, it’s time to reconsider your life.
  164. Five gap // The Cyclist’s answer to thigh gap.Evident in individuals whose condition is so fucking awesome that their gun definition makes a gap under their bibshorts. *Thanks to @harminator.
  165. Fournel’s Theorem // To look good is already to go fast.Based on a passage from the fantastic book by Paul Fournel’s, Need for the Bike which in spite of its entirely Rule-Breaking cover photo is perhaps the most perfect collection of Cycling essays ever written.
  166. RULEV // Research Unit for Logical Explanations of the VelominatiVelominati’s rogue research team which bases its conclusions primarily on malted beverage-assisted “assertive guessing” in favor of “fact” or “science”.

Nicknames

  1. Dumpoulin // Tom DumoulinFor his emergency rest stop during stage 16 of the 2017 Giro d’Italia.
  2. The Prophet // Eddy MerckxThe Chosen one, the Hardest Man of Them All, the man who, by the very sweat from his mighty guns, etched into stone The Rules.
  3. Brothers Grimpeur // Frank and Andy Schleck Like the Brothers Grimm, except instead of writing scary tales, these brothers are scary grimpeurs.
  4. Billions and Billions // Peter Sagan, not to be confused with Carl Sagan.
  5. Grimpito // Andy Schleck, the younger of the Brothers Grimpeur.
  6. Grimplette // Andy Schleck, the younger of the Brothers Grimpeur.
  7. Grimpelder // Frank Schleck, the older of the Brothers Grimpeur.
  8. Good Cadel // Cadel EvansDepending on the results he produces, Cadel Evans can be good, bad, or almost good enough. This one comes from his comment at the 2010 Amstel Gold Race, “I was good, I was good, I was good and then I was bad.” Other variations of this moniker include, “Almost Good Enough Cadel”, “Not Quite Good Enough Cadel”, and his first name often is exchanged for his last name.
  9. Bad Cadel // Good Cadel’s alter-ego.
  10. Cadelephant // The result of a mixture of Rule #5 and rainbows.
  11. Cuddles // A soft, stuffed Cadelephant.
  12. The Ego-testicle // Lance ArmstrongMakes up for his lack of balls with an inflated sense of self-importance.  Who else could it be?
  13. Pharmstrong // Lance ArmstrongFor his (and his team’s) involvement in doping throughout his career; his organization could easily have doubled as a pharmaceutical business.
  14. Huevo Lancheros // Lance Armstrong… do we really have to explain it?
  15. Veino // Alexandre VinokourovBecause he never doped, but now obliquely refers to “the dark years” of his career and insists that he is now honest and wants to prove bike races can be won without the use of the vampire tactics.
  16. Piti // Alejandro ValverdeFor his code name in Operación Puerto.
  17. Twistin Banged and Felled // Christian Vande VeldeFor his unfortunate proclivity towards falling off his bike and breaking important bits of his body. (Thanks to Geof)
  18. The Russian Rug Salesman // Vladimir KarpetsFor his name and the sports the world’s worst haircut.
  19. Motorcus // A power-assisted Spartacus.
  20. Faboo // A homo-erotic reference to Spartacus and his “dreamy eyes”.
  21. Twiggo or Jolly Naughty Wiggins // Brad WigginsDo we really need to explain this one?
  22. Levi Eggtimer // Levi LeipheimerFor his egg-shaped noggin.Plus the time it takes him to get up a hill is like waiting for an egg to boil.  And like an underdone egg, Levi is soft in the centre and cracks easily.
  23. She’s Legal in Amsterdam // Tom BoonenFor his love of the party drugs.
  24. Plan de Cojones // Plan de Corones in Italy A stretch of terribly steep, unpaved road where an uphill time trial takes place in the Giro d’Italia.  You gotta have some stones to send a race up that bit of road.
  25. George Hincrappy // George Hincapie.Sorry – we love you (I Heart Hincrappy) and wish you all the success in the world, but while you ride like a hardman – when you start talking…
  26. Dirty Sanchez // Samuel SanchezBecause he’s dirty, and we simply couldn’t resist.
  27. LL ‘Cool J’ Sanchez // Luis Leon Sanchez.
  28. Damiano Can-he-go // For Damiano CunegoThe answer to this question seems to be unclear.
  29. Rob-a-bank // Too easy, but given the economic climate, it’s rather fitting.
  30. Retirement Shack // Where old egos go to die.
  31. LeakyGas // Team LiquigasBecause we’d hate to ride in the paceline behind one of these guys.   Old El Paso should consider sponsorship.
  32. Dickweed Giovanni // Team DiquigiovanniBecause this is how the commentators on Universal Sports pronounce it.
  33. Tom Blownen // Tom BoonenBecause he loves the white line fever.
  34. T-Bone Hamilton // Tyler HamiltonFirst for his tendency to break bones, and then for his tendency to suck.
  35. Tyler Shamilton // Tyler HamiltonFor all the shams he tried to pull…disappearing twin?  Really?
  36. Count Dracula // Alexandre VinokourovFor his bloodlust.
  37. Roid Landis // Floyd LandisDoes this really need explanation?
  38. Fraud Landis // Floyd LandisOr this?
  39. Floyd Slanders // Floyd LandisOr any combination of the above…
  40. LeMan // Greg LemondHe won three Tours, laid down the fastest ITT in tour history, and is responsible for probably the most exciting (surely the closest) Tour of all time. He is The Man.
  41. LeMonster // Greg LeMondThe young, combative animal Greg LeMond who exuded class on the bike. (Thanks to Dan O)
  42. David A-Yo-Yo // David ArroyoFor his off the back-back on again riding style as he gallantly defended his Giro d’Italia lead.
  43. Michael Rasjuicin // Michael RasmussenThey feed chickens hormones, don’t they?
  44. Michael Ras-missin’ // Michael RasmussenThe ‘Where’s Wally?’ of the peloton.
  45. Heinrich Sauceler // Heinrich HausslerFor his “I’m out with an injury and thus will be going on the sauce” coping mechanism.
  46. Cavendouche // Mark CanvendishBecause despite his formidible sprinting prowess, the kid is a bit of douchebag.
  47. The Manx Mouth // Mark CanvendishI think we were the first on this one, but in any case, this one also refers to Markie Mark.
  48. GaGa // Phil Gibert The Belgian JaJa.
  49. Frandy // The collective Schlecks.
  50. RatPack // Tony Martin.The lovechild of Tony Curtis and Dean Martin. (Thanks to Jarvis)
  51. Invisible Denis // Denis MenchovRobert Gesink.For his hide until the time trial methods of getting a Tour podium.
  52. Keep’em Gesink // Robert Gesink.Because you never know if he’s gonna suck, crash, or crush.
  53. Who-tarovich // Yauheni HutarovichFor his sprint from obscurity to a GT stage winner. (Thanks to Dermot K)
  54. Teeny Bettini // Paolo BettiniFor the pint-sized Italian star.
  55. Clenbutador // Alberto ContadorAfter his positive test for Clenbuterol. (Thanks to Dermot K)
  56. The Spanish Steak // Alberto ContadorThe new poster child now for the organic, free-range, grass fed beef movement. (Thanks to KitCarson)
  57. Albutero Clentador // Alberto ContadorNo explanation needed. (Thanks to Eddy Merckx’s Ears)
  58. Carlos Disaster // Carlos SastreBecause since winning the Tour in ’08, that’s what he’s been. (Thanks to Vaughn)
  59. Carlo’s Ashtray // Carlos SastreLike a cigarette, one minute on fire, smokin’, then extinguished and dropped like a bad habit. Not cool anymore.
  60. Tricky Dickie // Richard Virenque
  61. Reeeshard Virenque // Richard Virenque (Thanks to Michael)
  62. Mark Reckshaw // Mark RenshawFor his unorthodox leadout style.(Thanks to Marcus)
  63. Mark Rickshaw // Mark RenshawFor his superb ability to drag Mark Cavendish to the line.
  64. Jacky Bobby // Jack BobridgeYoung Aussie upstart gonna come at the peloton like a spider monkey.
  65. Potato // Filippo PozzatoYou say potato, I say Pozzato.
  66. Boss Hog // Edvald Boasson HagenWho looks nothing like ol’ Boss Hog, but his name is irresitable.
  67. Gandalf // Alessandro PetacchiFor his Gandalf-like violation of Rule #59 to keep Cavendish from passing him during the Stage 3 gallop in the 2011 Giro. Thanks to Steampunk.
  68. Judas Gadret // John GadretFor not only refusing to lend a hand to his team leader, Nicolas Roche during the 2010 Tour de France, but going on the attack when he suffered a puncture. Thanks to Marcus.
  69. Lenault // Lemond-HinaultIn 1986 at La Vie Claire, vying not only for team leadership, but for Tour dominance.
  70. The Spotted Dick // Richard VirenqueFor his 7 stints in the dotty jumper.
  71. Johnny Prikkeldraad // Johnny HoogerlandFor famously surviving a 60km/h introduction to a barbed-wire fence. (Prikkeldraad is the Dutch word for “barbed-wire”.)
  72. Gilbackwards // Philippe GilbertFor his riding style up the bergs in Vlaanderen in 2012.
  73. Pippi Longstockings // Bradley WigginsFor his too-long socks. See also: Goldilocks Principle. Thanks to @VeloVita.
  74. Beaker // Bradley WigginsJust because he looks and speaks just like Beaker. Thanks to LA Dave.
  75. VV Dam // Laurens Ten DamThe big Dutchman emodies the Five and Dime, and two V’s make Ten. He also posts ‘Rule 5 rides’ on Strava and owns a copy of The Rules. Pronounced “Five and Dime Dam”.
  76. Degencobble // John DegenkolbThe cobble-eating winner of the 2015 Paris-Roubaix.
  77. QuietKowski // Michał KwiatkowskiThe quiet Pole with a big engine.

The majority of these terms were coined by the Velominati or one of our readers, but for those terms which we have borrowed, we endeavored to give credit where credit is due.  If we missed you, please let us know and we’ll give you your well-deserved props.

816 Replies to “The Lexicon”

  1. @Oli don’t know, it did it over in the rules as well when I tried to post the photo…

    Anyway, as I was saying – Fat Yaks: Cobbled from the finest Yak hide, these shoes are so sexy, the natural reaction for an onlooker is to “crack a fat

    Exhibit A: Fat Yaks

  2. Richard Gear — The final sprocket on the back of a cassette deemed good enough for climbing.

    “I got nowhere else to go! I got nowhere else to g… I got nothin’ else.”

  3. @unversio

    Richard Gear — The final sprocket on the back of a cassette deemed good enough for climbing.

    “I got nowhere else to go! I got nowhere else to g… I got nothin’ else.”

    Brilliant – will use this in future

  4. This just in from Seamus Heaney:

    To be first on the road,Up with the ground-mists and pheasants,To be older and grateful

  5. @JonnyG

    But it’s a great article and my story is not too dissimilar…. Except for the flagrant Rule #33 violation, he’s quite compliant and must be aware of the Rules. His VMH even states

    “Being a MAMIL, like all mid-life crises means acting like little boys. As 11-year-olds do, they have their in-jokes, asserting the perfect number of bikes to own is N + 1 (N is the number of bikes you have already).

    Another formula, which shows they are not entirely stupid, is S – 1 (S is the number of bikes that will prompt your wife to demand a separation).”

  6. @JonnyG

    Found this article on the Daily Mail site from December. Not sure if it will have been posted already.

    Contains a horrifying image of a VMW with her foot on her usbands bike which is lying on the ground. They both deserve a pump lashing for such horrendous treatment of a steed.

    http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-2869069/Oh-shame-married-MAMIL-s-Middle-Aged-Man-Lycra.html

    Other than feeling slightly soiled at reading a Daily Mail article, it’s all quite funny. The prices have obviously been manipulated – 250- pounds on sunglasses? That’s $375. Other than the hairy legs and the WTF footwear, he didn’t look to horrifying. Maybe she’d like him to be a fat ass sedentary hubby who can’t get it up because of all the cigs and beer he downs regularly? She should be happy he has a good healthy hobby. Even if you add up all the cash he spends on bikes, it’s still a fraction of a mid-life crisis sports car.

  7. @wiscot

    @JonnyG

    Even if you add up all the cash he spends on bikes, it’s still a fraction of a mid-life crisis sports car.

    I tried that argument with my WMW a while back – she had doubts on the basis that if I had a vintage car I’d only have one in the garage…………..

  8. @DeKerr

    @VeloJello

    Do you seriously get to keep your bike next to the bed?

    No, he keeps the bed next to the bike. Looks like there may be curtains to divide the two spaces though.

  9. Suggested to my family that we can use a Coefficient of Difficulty to pace ourselves at Disney.

  10. the voice of many reasons — notion that you should relegate yourself to the back, fall off the back, and do your own thing in order to preserve the integrity of the group

  11. @mjgordon

    I am a rider, pedestrian and driver in Sydney – in order of km done. I see a lot of bad manners from a lot of people (and this seems to have got worse since I started riding again 16 months ago, or is it I am turning into a grumpy old man?). Funnily enough I have less trouble from cars when I am riding than from the others. Maybe I am aware that they hurt, and ride to suit, and avoid certain roads.

    My definitions below relate to the above.

    Pedestrian Slalom – the sport, best done at speed with bugs in their ears, that Cycleway Hero’s play on shared paths in Sydney (and there are quite a few shared areas). They not only annoy the shit out of other cyclists, they give the impression to pedestrians that all cyclists are COTHO’s or similar. This is particularly bad on the Pyrmont Bridge, apparently the busiest pedestrian (and shared) walkway in the southern hemisphere.

    In think “fixie” should be added to “MTB’s” in the definition of “Cycleway Hero”

    Generation ZZZ – the young riders who qualify as Cycleway Hero’s, and whose brains are asleep when riding.

    Bug-gers – those riders (or pedestrians) oblivious to all around them due to their ears being filled with small pieces of plastic pumping in crap music.

    Lean-to – a rider who comes up beside you at lights, cannot unclip, and slowly falls onto you (although I think even members of the Velominati have been lean-to’s sometime early in their careers).

    Lean-to moment – self explanatory from the above, always with plenty of spectators. Being a beginner on cleats, I expect to have one sometime.

    Ute-a-saurus Rex – western Sydney tradie in their ute, hassle cyclists, read the Daily Telegraph and listen to anti-cyclist shock jocks. This is a sub-species of the “Bogan” – not referenced above, but mentioned in The Rules.

    I am thinking of suitable names for:

    • Those riders on bike paths who pass at the speed of light without warning (I am sorry, but how hard is it to say “bike right”?)
    • The riders who come from behind and stop ahead of you at lights, and then, when the lights are green, head off as if they are in a slow bike race.

    Velomimoron?

  12. I accept this may be predictable but I would like to suggest the term “Femke” for the lexicon.

    My definition –

    Femke

    noun

    1. any rider of an e-bike trying to pass it off as human powered,

    2. any rider of an e-bike who tries to “race” another rider on a human powered bicycle especially if the person in question is not interested

    Use in a sentence, I was riding up a hill when a Femke yelled “electricity!” at me. The Femke was annoyed when I pointed out that he was on a motorbike. Femke replied, “no it isn’t” to which my response to the Femke was, “it has a motor, its on a bike, its a motorbike”.

  13. Hello, my name is Rick and I am new here (in accordance with Rule #19). I would normally not join any group that would have me as a member. However, since we are all brothers and sisters on the road (even the virtual road as in this case) I decided to make an exception.

    As a member in good standing, at least so far, I would like to propose a term for consideration into The Lexicon:

    Pino Envy

    noun

    1. The feeling that one gets seeing a new Dogma. Pino envy symptoms may include weakness in the knees, shortness of breath, and lightheadedness.

    2. Alternatively, the feeling of disdain that some feel for riders and their mounts when the steed in question is a Pinarello.

    Thank you for your consideration in this matter.

     

    Rick

     

     

  14. D.E.I.S. Natalis

    Thanks to @Bea and @Freddy, a new expression for the Lexicon:

    Contrary to the Latin “Dies Natalis” which means “birthday”, Deis Natalis stands for the Decisive Evening In Shower when a Velominatus is born by applying Rule #33. In short form, just “Deis” suffices. Example: “When is your Deis?” or “I celebrated my Deis with ample helpings of the V and had a few malted recovery beverages after I was congratulated by the MWTH”.

  15. @universo

    calling these the Stormtroopers

    I LOVE IT. Transitions lenses are the bomb on these; only lens you will ever need. Well worth the extra cash.

    And of course I did a V-Jawbreaker.

  16. @frank

    @universo

    calling these the Stormtroopers

    I LOVE IT. Transitions lenses are the bomb on these; only lens you will ever need. Well worth the extra cash.

    And of course I did a V-Jawbreaker.

    I recently bought the Rudy Project photochromatic, polarized lenses for my Rydon frames. The difference between these and the non-polarized. non-transition lenses that they replaced is stunning. I often ride on roads that alternate between bright sunshine and shade. The ease with which I am able to see the road under all conditions removes a source of stress from my rides. The removal of this stress allow more energy to apply power to the gun decks. I swear I can go farther and faster with the new lenses.

  17. “Fuck Bolt”

    Any part of the fastenings of one’s machine the sudden loss of which will produce the cry “Fuck!”

    E.g. the 10mm Allen bolt that holds the cranks together in Camapgnolo’s system. The loss of this bolt whilst doing the Full Buhna uphill produces a Velominatus with his genitals making sharp and sudden contact with the top tube, his left leg flailing in suddenly empty space with a 175mm metal bar attached to the foot and the utterance of the word “fuck”.

    You’re welcome.

  18. @the Engine

    +1

    Alternatively, a bolt or fastener that elicits the cry “Fuck” when it is noticed, mid effort, that it is no longer tight or in place. The utterance is usually is usually accompanied by blind panic until one is able to draw to a halt.

    As demonstrated here, although I’d note that he’s too young to use such language.

  19. @the Engine

    That sounds awfully like something born from experience?

    I did have a similar experience to the photo elsewhere on my mtb some years ago.  Descending a technical section with numerous small drops where it was pretty much impossible to stop when I looked down to see the QR prescribing gentle revolutions.  Fortunately the safety lugs kept the wheel in till I got to the bottom.  Effect was pretty much as @chris describes.

  20. Here’s a suggestion: Doing a Nairo. Definition: attaining a high placing in a race or organized event while sitting in for the whole thing.

  21. 12-21 Overture: a powerful 10 speed, straight cassette that awakens humanity, sparing all worlds from galaxy-wide war — rebuked by Red Star of the Solar Federation for ending their control

  22. @Teocalli

    How should one call these shoes? Brown Berries? They are of course Italian and specifically made for Eroica. However, in my humble opinion, the cleats are not Eroica-compliant since you’re not allowed to have clipless pedals; one is required to have toeclips. Still classy.

     

  23. @KogaLover

    @Teocalli

    How should one call these shoes? Brown Berries? They are of course Italian and specifically made for Eroica. However, in my humble opinion, the cleats are not Eroica-compliant since you’re not allowed to have clipless pedals; one is required to have toeclips. Still classy.

    Sat in an empty hotel bar on the edge of the Baltic in Poland I’m struggling to find any inspiration to put a snappy name to some fine looking Italian footwear but I would have thought that some proper old school shiny metal toeclips would scuff the the fuck out of those Brown Bellissimos.

  24. @Teocalli

    @KogaLover

    Limburg entries opened yesterday. I’m signed up again.

    Can’t get through… Keep getting audiofeed of the organisers about how much they enjoyed the Eroica in Italy. 160km for you again I presume? Blocked the date myself. Will try to make it happen too.

  25. @KogaLover

    @Teocalli

    @KogaLover

    Limburg entries opened yesterday. I’m signed up again.

    Can’t get through… Keep getting audiofeed of the organisers about how much they enjoyed the Eroica in Italy. 160km for you again I presume? Blocked the date myself. Will try to make it happen too.

    Odd the site opens fine for me, there is a top page to close but I can access fine here

  26. @chris

    @KogaLover

    @Teocalli

    How should one call these shoes? Brown Berries? They are of course Italian and specifically made for Eroica. However, in my humble opinion, the cleats are not Eroica-compliant since you’re not allowed to have clipless pedals; one is required to have toeclips. Still classy.

    Sat in an empty hotel bar on the edge of the Baltic in Poland I’m struggling to find any inspiration to put a snappy name to some fine looking Italian footwear but I would have thought that some proper old school shiny metal toeclips would scuff the the fuck out of those Brown Bellissimos.

    You just need these…….

  27. Fack! Age and having a 7 month old are causing a serious case of Sprinter’s Muscle in me belly these days! No time for long rides. Gotta, gotta whittle down the calories that I don’t need these days. It’s the worst! Rest of body looks fine, then a spare tire. Ugh. Since I’m not very tall, even a few kilos makes me feel like Lampre Man.

    We also an entry to describe the mental state right after you pick up some new cycling gear and either think or tell your better half, “I swear. This is the last bit of cycling gear I need. I mean it. I’m totally set. For months. Or longer.” And then…a few days later you’re positive you need something new.

  28. @Ron

    Fack! Age and having a 7 month old are causing a serious case of Sprinter’s Muscle in me belly these days! No time for long rides. Gotta, gotta whittle down the calories that I don’t need these days. It’s the worst! Rest of body looks fine, then a spare tire. Ugh. Since I’m not very tall, even a few kilos makes me feel like Lampre Man.

    We also an entry to describe the mental state right after you pick up some new cycling gear and either think or tell your better half, “I swear. This is the last bit of cycling gear I need. I mean it. I’m totally set. For months. Or longer.” And then…a few days later you’re positive you need something new.

    Holy SHIT!  I can sooooooo relate!!!  I swear, I cannot get in a ride longer than 1:10 without feeling sooooo guilty with the five young kiddos and work, etc.  Just seems so selfish (and it is!)

    And the spare tire definitely creeps up! Ever since I hit 40, it has been such a fucking fight!  It is all about calorie restriction for me these last five years.

    And as for new gear, my new Hampsten should arrive any day now and I still need to go to Scotland to pick up my new new wheelset for it (and it ain’t cheap!) “Don’t you already have five wheelsets???”  “Well yes, but this one will have campag cassette and all the others have shimano.”   “Why didn’t you just get shimano on this one???”  “Ah, well, you see, …. I’ll just go clean the toilet now that I didn’t do earlier b/c I was riding the trainer dear.”

  29. @Teocalli

    @Buck Rogers

    Christmas festivities – two works parties and 2 Kilos suddenly appear. A Merckx but why/how can it take just 2 nights to put on and weeks to take off.

    And ohhhhh man, any micro-milligram of weight put on takes a fucking week and half to take off of pure monk-like existence!

  30. merry christmas to me!  new genius 5s.  my lbs made me a deal i could not pass up for these and an identical black pair.

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